Grief Is Like A Deep, Dark Hole. It Calls Like A Siren: Come To Me, Lose Yourself Here. And You Fight

“Grief is like a deep, dark hole. It calls like a siren: Come to me, lose yourself here. And you fight it and you fight it and you fight it, but when you finally do succumb and jump down into it, you can’t quite believe how deep it is. It feels as if this is how you will live for the rest of your life, falling. Terrified and devastated, until you yourself die. But that is the mirage. That is grief’s dizzying spell. The fall isn’t never-ending. It does have a ground floor.”

Taylor Jenkins Reid, Carrie Soto Is Back

Ximena's knee bounced nervously as she waited on the other side of the plastic glass panel waiting for his face to appear. She felt like if any moment someone would realize she was there too and arrest her but if they had, they would've done so by now right?

But she felt like she needed to be here, had he not taken the fall, she would've been on that side and her scholarship would have been rescinded. She owed him. When he finally appeared on the other side, she smiled and lifted the receiver. "I told you you needed to be faster." A joke but hopefully one that showed how grateful she was to him.

━━ ✦ @shishitoren-vc

omg. i think i am done with the thread tracker finally. if you check it out and theres a thread missing, please let me know i lost a lot in the shuffle. X_X

Elizabeth rolled her eyes at his tease before they began to roll back into her skull again at the touch of his hands. "What would we do?" The words were breathy and low and rhetorical as she let herself lean back against his body as he pressed it against hers. “I can’t believe that you’re still not tired after what we did in the shower.”

Scrunching her nose at the kiss, she smiled and placed a small peck on his lips."I thought it would take another round in the shower to convince you," she joked as she began to sway slightly in his arms as if trying to dance with him there in the silence of her room.

"Well, right now," Elizabeth donned a small sly smile, as she let the blouse fall off and grabbed his t-shirt and put it on. "I'm kind of hungry. I'll make us some breakfast." Placing a kiss against his lips, she pulled back and headed to the kitchen to make them breakfast as she texted her boss that she wouldn't make it in that day. "Any special requests?"

She was always so responsive to him, and it was one of the many things he loved so much about her. "What would we do all day?" he parrots the words, murmuring against her skin as his hands rest on her hips and pull her further back against him so that she can feel exactly what her moans did to him. There was never a moment that Kobe didn't want Elizabeth, always so ready and willing to take things to the next level

Letting her turn, he keeps his hands at hip level before returning his hands to their rightful place once she was facing him fully. The smile that her agreement brings is nothing short of breathtaking, radiant in a way that makes his green eyes light up. "I promise," he agrees almost too quickly, leaning down to press a kiss to the tip of her nose.

"Anything you want, I'll do it..." though he wasn't entirely certain he could afford to take a day off of work, he'd still do it for her. "Just tell me when and I'll get it approved with my boss," he added, not pulling away fully as he lowers down a bit to capture her lips with his own.

"I'll take a rain check," she shook her head, smile on her face. " You should definitely take that pit stop yourself though. Well deserved rest." It had no longer made her uneasy when he wanted to spend more time around her but it did still make her slightly nervous. Their positions, what he didn't know about her always loomed there in her mind. Had she been someone else, she would have said yes but alas, she wasn't.

There was a moment there where she wanted to tell him that she would take anything that he wanted that she was just being a brat. That she hated where they were now with everything that went down. Him injured and her floating out in the middle of the sea, shark infested, with no sign of land in either way. But to make him happy, she would do and take whatever ow whoever he wanted if it meant keeping him safe. Her mouth shut the moment he began to talk, feeling a story of sorts coming.

"Hmm," was all she could muster to say as he told her all about Memo. She knew plenty of men that turned in her day, it wasn't a new story, but at least she knew that the man was loyal to Wally, if need be, she could use that to her advantage to keep him safe, not the other way around. He was right about one thing, he was an odd one, a conscious and a heart had no place in this world. In her world. It felt strange how quickly she let herself revert to that. She had only been clean for four years now, some part of her how thought maybe she had as her stepmother told her once, born for it. It was like riding a bicycle. Maybe Charlie was wrong, maybe they both won't meant for something else, maybe he was. But not her. Never her.

Rolling her eyes at the puppy dog bit, she couldn't help but add. "Save your strength. It wouldn't work in the state that you're in right now anyway. I was going to agree anyway, anything to keep you from getting all worked up. And honestly," she smirked. "I'd like to see them try." While the new career path that Charlie had chosen for them didn't leave much for her to use what he taught her, she was itching for a fight, some sort of release. "Well, can't be mad at a man that keeps his word, now can I."

Not being able help the giggle that came from her as she took a drink from her water, putting it off to the side before closing an eye and scrunching her mouth up to the side, pretending to think before she answered. "Hmm, maybe. You haven't broken my finger yet so you're somewhere in the middle. But show up like this again and you'll probably be on my shit list. I'd have to have Charlie train you instead."

His mother, whenever brought up in conversation, drove a wedge into her. The same one she had since the day she was realized what a mom was and how every one but her had one. There were plenty that she came across that made her wish she had one, and others that made her happy she didn't have one but Miss Bordeaux, was the one that made her long for a mother. Wally never spoke ill of her, or bitched and complained as many of the people she had to deal with in life when she pretended to be there for them. Dates, wedding nights, hours spent with so many who never spoke about their mothers the way he did. Someone who had made a hard choice to send them away for their betterment but whose presence was never gone from their lives. She'd never understand it.

The question threw her off, she moved back slightly. Uncomfortable now. She had let her guard down too much. "Don't do that." It came out harsher than it should've, she felt emotions she had held down coming up. He had found a sore spot. "Don't use that psych babble 101 bullshit they make you all do on me. Why I do things or say things isn't your concern, okay. I just thought it wasn't something that was important right now, its not like we don't talk about your family enough." It was mean but she realized that there was a line in the sand that was being washed away in the current of their comradery and she needed to stop. It wasn't like they were going to be in each others life's for long, she reminded herself. She needed to stop letting whatever this friendship they had built from getting out of control.

Taking her hands back from him, a simple nod was all she offered at his list of ailments as she stood up. Not wanting to be there right now, now that her childhood was swirling through her head, she spoke as she made her way out." Well, I'm just going to go make that ice pack Charlie taught me to do." Finger nails digging into the palms of her hands, almost as if trying to reopen old scars, reminding her of who she really was, what she had endured and that this was just another job that she needed to finish. "Its, uh, an alcohol and water mix, it'll stay cold for like ever and helps wonders with swelling. I'll see if there's anything else to eat too. I'll come back or send Memo with it once its cold and ready."

Her laughter rung in his ear and brought him to give her a head tilt. "Got the jet to go anywhere. Maybe we will make a pit stop at Baton Rouge so you can really have the entire experience. Yeah, online i can get a lot but nothing really beats walking in and having the wafting smells attack your senses." Sometimes he missed hometown a little extra than others. After all he had promised his mother she was going to have a weekend with him to sight see.

"Take Memo with you, please. It'd make me feel better. He's not just a security guard." A long sigh escaped him as he might as well tell her. "He has a record. By now he's paid his dues and has gotten it expunged. He was going to have thirty five to life. If I can't be there with you. Please, take him. If need be I know he will keep you safe. He doesn't have loyalty for an agency, he's not former anything. Just a guy who had been branded a criminal by the very people who'd throw one of their own into the fire just to get ahead. His loyalty lies with me though I've told him countless times he doesn't owe me anything. I didn't care about his record but that is what makes me the odd duck. The agent with a conscious and heart." This also made him think of his best friend, Arturo. Another one who'd he helped without a moment hesitation. "At this point I'll pull out the puppy dog eyes to get you to say yes. I know you can take care of yourself, I don't doubt that but I know I won't sit still if I know you don't have backup in case shit goes wrong. Which by now with a price on my head, it wouldn't take long for them to come after you as my wife."

He smiled and nodded in agreement. "He did promise you adventure. I think he pretty much stuck to his word. Apparently he wasn't easy to settle down." That wasn't something he could blame her for and he wasn't going to try. "You're right. They're all assholes. Got that power trip going for them. Most have been bullies in their lifetime." Most also asked after they punched through for information. Again, that begged the question what the fuck was Wally even doing. To make change sometimes you had to roll in the mud. "I'm going out on a limb here and say the impression for me has changed. Maybe for the better? Or worse with how I look like right now."

Eye contact coming from her was new but he didn't break. She was thinking he assumed just by the way her eyes shimmered. Something he hadn't noticed until recently when it usually happened before she asked a question. The surprise chuckle escaped him as he took a second to think of the answer. Chuckling a little more now he simply said. "My mom would literally kill me if I ever did. Besides the second and third last name are incredibly ugly." Nothing truly went as well as Bordeaux did. "My mom would also see it as a slap in the face if I ever changed my last name. This last name is hers. We're contuning her line." Another little tidbit he had shared. Most people assumed his last name came from his father but that was so far from the case. Like his mother once said, this was her family. Her line. The one she fought for tooth and nail. She'd be dammed if she let some no name fool get the credit when she was the one who pushed them out without medication. That woman when she gets mad gets mad. The thought made him chuckle.

"Why do you do that?" The question was simple in his mind. "You're sorry for what? It almost feels like you never got a chance to be genuinely curious or got silenced as a child which then made it harder for you to understand genuine interest in what you need to say. You'll never have to apologize to me especially when you ask questions. I'm not gonna get mad at you."

The gentle sweep of his hair made his breath hitch momentarily. The tender moment shared made the electricity in the room charge up. He knew it must be from his since there was no way she'd be feeling the same way. He made himself look up to her, momentarily taking in her hazel eyes. Never had a color become so bright as it did in hers. "Eye still stings. I can still see from it just know it looks ugly. I should get an eye patch. Live out my pirate dreams." he chuckled and shook his head. "But no, no ice. Maybe later. Thank you." He looked down and moved to his side. "Ribs are still killing me, though I don't think that can be patched up. The cut to my leg isn't drenched so think I still have a solid few hours before it needs to be rebandged. Knuckles will still bruise which is fine. Annie won't see for another few weeks so it can heal properly. The gash to my side which I saw in the bath made me sigh. They got that side pretty good but unfairly. They used a knife which again coward move. How's the eyebrow cut looking?"