As A Capricorn

As a Capricorn

I’m not cold. I’m not emotionless. I’m not heartless. I’m protecting myself.

I pretend not to care. I pretend not to know and not to love and not to feel because of how strongly I actually do.

I want to love. I want to be open. I want to be close to people and trust them with my secrets and feelings. I want to be emotional and show it but it’s just hard.

I have the constant worry that someone will take advantage of my vulnerability, that people will make fun of me, that I’ll look stupid. That people are secretly plotting against me.

I fear vulnerability so much I pretend I have none. But I do, I have a lot of it. Sometimes I’m so angry I’ll scream, so sad, so mad, so infatuated. I’m sensitive. I pretend to be cold but that hurtful remark you mad yesterday is still circling in my head and torturing me. And the reason I might seem angry a lot is because I’m angry when my feelings are hurt and I don’t want to cry in front of you. Because I seem so strong or indifferent, people think it’s okay to say anything to you. They think they can be rude and mean and tear me down because they I’m this person who can just take it all. And the truth is, I’m not. Not really. It stabs me. It pierces me and drives me crazy into sadness and I just pretend it doesn’t. I can be extremely paranoid to the point of imagining something that isn’t there. Imagining someone is making fun of me. Imagining it. I cry easily, too and I get ashamed. It’s easy to hurt my feelings, but you’ll never know. No one does. Behind my wall, is sensitivity and vulnerability and a desire to show it but also a fear…to show it.