Blame Her For How I Turned Out-

blame her for how i turned out-

n+b

1. wrote this after what happened between us- i held his hand as we walked around the park i used too go to as a kid- his hand bigger than mine people staring at us- he’s thirty four i look all baby faced even with makeup on and im short- i look younger than eighteen. my parents know they saw him holding my hand. we lay in the grass sitting on his lap as he tells me that i am a “good girl” when i rub against him slowly-people watching us. some stranger. we spent the night together back in his car makeshift bed- i wake up next too him no clothes guilt surrounds me- i moved to leave putting on my clothes and grabbing my things. he stirred in his sleep opened his eyes half asleep and said to me “ where are you going ?” with this hurt look i felt immediately bad and stayed. he stares at me i move away nervously each time-hiding my face. we went on a drive at 2 am i couldn’t sleep we went to a store and i got things. i toss and turn most of the night because i feel dirty even after what we did together after what i let him do to me. later on in the morning. i leave him somewhere in town in some neighbourhood- he follows me for a little then leaves hurt that im “ditching him” i feel like he took something from me ?

3. before he left we went to a park in the morning everything was beautiful. we sat on the swings. me on his lap while he sits. as we talked. i can’t remember most of what we spoke about- i remember when we sat on the grass me on his lap. he said he liked me. that he would miss me when he went back. i admitted that i liked him that i would miss him too. he said something i can’t remember but i know it’s something sexual not mentioning anything else between us. or anything else we did together. i come back to reality hurt. remembering everything my friends said about him- all of it was right. he tried to kiss me i moved away from him his lap his warmth his touch it reminded me. that i am just another one of the girls from the photos he fucked. i am just some eighteen year old he fucked that’s all. i start crying a little bit like a little girl all over again not looking at him. moving away when he tried to touch me. “ don’t be like this” he said. during the ride home. i played music we sat in silence he tried too move his hand to my thigh. i moved away from him once again. ignoring him my legs on the dash. once we got there i practically jumped out with my backpack and the stuffed animal he bought me. he tried too explain himself but i said “i don’t care” i walked away.

if he likes me takes me home- ⟡

kind of my mood board- ♡︎