Think I Need Someone Older | Sebastian Stan X Reader (social Media Au)

Think I need someone older | Sebastian Stan x reader (social media au)

Summary: in which guys her age don’t know how to treat her right but a certain Romanian actor knows exactly how to treat her.

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x fem!reader

Warnings: Age gap (reader is 25, Sebastian is 41). Mean comments about reader.

A/n: The photos are all photos that I found on Pinterest so credits to whoever took those photos :). The dates under the post are random dates that I chose😊

Masterlist

Instagram.com

Yourusername

Liked by TomHolland, CharlesLeclerc and 567000 others

Yourusername: Young, wild & free!

21 October 2021

Comments:

FlorencePugh: You dropped this m’lady 👑

Zendaya: Mother!

Username23: When is she going to finally find someone to be with. She’s 23 it’s about time.

> Y/nswife: Let her live her life, she’s happy without someone!

> Y/nsfan: Exactly and every guy she has dated treated her like shit so let her be happy dude!

TimotheeChalamet: Check your dm’s😚

> Y/nswife: Not this guy making his move🫡

Yourusername

Liked by TimotheeChalamet, Bobbyskeetz and 657000 others

Yourusername: Last weekend with the friends✨

4 March 2022

Comments:

Y/nswife: Is that who I think it is???

> y/nsfan: What in the soft launch is this😮

FlorencePugh: Best weekend ever😙

TimotheeChalamet: We should do this again!!

> y/nswife: y’all I think we lost her

> username224: it is about time, at her age most people are already married.

> y/nswife: Respectfully, shut the f*ck up 😊

Menshealth

Liked by Yourusername, SebastianStan and 547000 others

Menshealth: Sebastian Stan in our latest photoshoot.

6 June 2022

Comments:

Yourusername: Respectfully Smash🫣

*comment liked by @Sebastianstan

> y/nswife: Girl😳

>Sebastianstanswife: She’s so real for that🤭

Yourusername

Liked by TimotheeChalamet, Zendaya and 736000 others

Yourusername: Prada 2023🖤

27 June 2023

Comments:

Zendaya: Prettiest girl ever🥰

>yourusername: Stop it, you’re making me blush☺️

Y/nswife: Mother fr

TimotheeChalamet: I’m so lucky to have such a pretty best friend🫶🏼

> y/nfan2: Best friend is code for girlfriend🤭

SebastianStan

Liked by Yourusername, ChrisEvans and 647000 others

SebastianStan: Prada ‘23

23 June 2023

Comments:

SebastianStanswife: I have something inappropriate to say🥵

> Yourusername: Same tbh😫

> SebastianStanswife: you’re so real for this girly🤭

Y/nswife: Ngl I kinda ship y/n and Sebastian😨

> username23: He’s literally 17 years older then her.

Yourusername added to their story

25 July 2023

Celebritynews

Liked by Y/nswife, SebastianStanswife and 6570000 others

Celebritynews: Actor Sebastian Stan (41) and actress Y/n Y/l/n (25) seen together in New York last night. Is there a new couple?

2 September 2023

Comments:

Y/nswife: Mother and father!!

SebastianStanswife: I’m not even mad, they look so good together.

Username23: The age gap is a bit weird🤔

> username234: exactly, he could be her dad!

>y/nsfan: Dude they’re both legal adults it’s not like she’s underage or something.

> Username23: Still. It’s a bit weird he’s 41😳

Username347: She’s probably only after his money

> y/nswife22: Did you miss the part where they said that she’s an actress too. She literally makes as much money as he does🤷‍♀️

> username236: Still, there are enough guys on the planet that she could date that are around her age😬

Y/nsfan45: I’m actually really happy for her. Finally a guy that knows how to treat her right.

Yourusername

Liked by SebastianStan, Y/nswife and 765000 others

Yourusername: Older men just do it better. Happy 4 months my love🫶🏼

Tagged: @SebastianStan

27 October 2023

Comments:

SebastianStan: Happy 4 months love🫶🏼

Y/nswife: 4 months?🫢

TimotheeChalamet: I’m finally able to speak again without almost spoiling this secret🫣

> Y/nsfan: All the people that thought that Timothée and Y/n were a couple are clowning so hard rn🤡

Y/nswife33: I’m so happy for her!!

Username23: The age gap is still a bit weird!

SebastianStan

Liked by Yourusername, ChrisEvans and 765000 others

SebastianStan: What the kids call a hard launch these days. Happy 4 months love❤️

Tagged: @yourusername

27 October 2023

Comments:

Yourusername: Happy 4 months honey❤️

ChrisEvans: Congrats both of you😊

Y/nswife: Mother finally found a father for us!

Sebastianstanswife: I find them so cute together!!

CAMP UPSIDE DOWN PART TWO Steve Harrington x fem!reader [33K] summer camp, broken kayaks, too much tension and that boy you hate. an enemies to lovers camp counsellor story.

I can’t stop, the way I feel. 

Camp Upside Down was about eighty miles outside of Hawkins, Indiana, just past Belmont and hidden amongst the trees of the YellowWood State Forest. 

It held too many kids, a collection of old wooden cabins, a few impressively sized lakes, sports equipment that was made in the sixties and Steve fucking Harrington. 

It’s not like you had always hated the boy, you just couldn’t really remember the last time you liked him. 

The first of June brought blue skies, summer rolling in with thick white clouds, the kind that didn’t look real. The Indiana air was warm and hazy, growing hotter in the afternoon, long days, bright nights and the return of fireflies and open air pools. 

Each year you left Hawkins behind, a kiss pressed to each cheek by your parents, your old car packed to the brim as you headed west for six weeks, to your home from home, buried between cedar trees, amongst giant redwoods and overgrown wildflowers. 

You rolled out of town and took the sun with you, windows down, radio blasting music and static, that soft buzz that you loved so much. You sped past the water tower, the quarry and the wheat fields, the strawberry patches and the forest that no one liked to wander too far into. 

You hated that Steve Harrington followed, his car newer, shiner, faster. You hated when he overtook you on the straight, before you had even had a chance to leave town. So you would hang your arm out the window, middle finger poised in a pretty salute just for him and he’d send you one back, like clockwork, like you’d practised it, like it happened every year. 

If you could get close enough, your car bumper threatening his, you could just make out the scowl behind his raybans, the twist of his lips cursing you out in the reflection of his rear view mirror. 

It went on like that for the whole drive, never stopping unless the boy did, refusing to fall behind, because bathroom breaks were for losers and you did not fucking lose to Steve Harrington. 

It was flat out, foot down, wind whipping in on the highway; a game of cat and mouse, curses yelled over the radio, hair messy in your face, just pushing the speed limit until overhead signs and four lane roads turned into something else. 

It’s like the sun got softer when you turned off the freeway, the light hazy between the trees and it made this part of the world seem like it was just for you. 

Single track roads took you through the forest, past rivers and lakes, mountains in front of you, Hawkins behind you and the air was sharper, muddled with pine and moss, still wet tree trunks from the morning rain, wildflowers and something too sweet to name. 

Smoke threaded through it all when you got closer to camp, the big wooden archway greeting you like an old friend, the cabins appearing through cracks in the forest, the doors open, staff carrying in pillows and sheets, prepping for the arrival of the kids in a few days time. 

And when you pulled your car into the staff parking, a clearing between trees behind the big gymnasium, you turned off your engine, closed your eyes and listened to the little slice of peace you’d get in your six week stay. 

No kids, no screaming, no arguing, no singing. Not yet. 

Just bird calls and the buzz of insects, soft wind between branches and the slow crackle of the main campfire if you strained your ears hard enough. 

“Your shitty car gets slower every year, princess.”

You swore, low under your breath, the soft “for fuck sake,” mixing with a sigh as you let your head fall onto the seat and you opened your eyes.  

Steve was standing at your open window, hip leaning against the side of your car, arms crossed, expression smug. He grinned at you. 

“Harrington,” you greeted, a drawl that lacked any sort of warmth, tinted with annoyance instead. 

The boy tsked, sarcasm dripping from him as he leaned in, arms on the window ledge, peering into the car and peering at the pile of cassettes on your passenger seat. 

“Blondie? Really?” 

You swatted at him, brows knitted together already because you’d been at Camp Upside Down for quite literally three minutes and the boy was already doing his best to infuriate you. 

“That’s not very nice,” he told you but he was still grinning. “You didn’t miss me?”

You pushed the car door open, knocking Steve out of the way in the process and you scowled as you popped the trunk, turning to him with a glare. 

“Miss you? I saw you at the store two days ago.”

Steve watched you haul out your bags, snorting when you let them fall to the forest floor without much care. 

“Yeah, but you called me a dickhead and hit me with your cart.”

“You yelled across the store and asked me where my cauldron was.”

You set the boy with a stare, a little dead behind the eyes, just like you’d perfected. Your lip twitched into an almost smile when you let another bag tumble out of the trunk, narrowingly missing the boy's foot when he flinched out of the way. 

Steve shrugged, tongue pressed to his cheek to stop his grin as he stared at you right back. 

“It was a valid question.”

You slammed the trunk, your gaze on the boy withering and you kicked at one of your bags. You hated this part. 

“Are you gonna help me with these?” You really didn’t know why you were bothering to ask, because the boy was already backing away, hands shoved into the pockets of his Levi’s and he was still fucking grinning. 

“Why would I do that?” He questioned. “Besides, I only came round to tell you Hopper wants everyone in the office. Now.”

You glared at Steve, seething, lips parting with a high pitched scoff as you threw an arm out and gestured to all your belongings, most of your life packed into four too big duffel bags. 

“You fucking just watched me unload the car.”

Steve hummed happily, too far away for you to throw a pine cone at. He tutted, all faux concern and sad brown eyes. 

“Damn, I did, didn’t I?” And then he was walking away, heading to the offices that were housed in the row of cabins by the lake. “Don’t be too late, princess, Hops already in a shitty mood.”

——————

Camp leader Jim Hopper, was indeed in a foul mood when you arrived twenty minutes later, out of breath and just as annoyed as he was. 

The cabin was full, bodies squeezed between desks and the moth-eaten couch was piled with people. Faces new and old stared back at your sudden entrance, the scowl that was already on your face only deepening when Steve, who was leaning lazy against a wall, wiggled his fingers at you. 

“Hawkins,” Hopper barked, “how nice of you to finally join us. You think after doing this for four years, you’d know that the first day meeting is always at eleven o’clock sharp.”

Hopper's habit of calling people by their hometown should’ve been insulting, if it wasn’t for the fact that he was a teddy bear looking man, moustache twitching when he was either annoyed or amused, but he had soft eyes and an even softer patch for the camp kids. 

When you first pointed out that there were three counsellors that came from Hawkins, he merely started calling you Hawkins number two, so you tended to not remind him after that. 

“Sorry,” you huffed, not sounding all that sorry, and you glared at Steve as you squished yourself between Eddie Munson and Robin Buckley. 

“Okay, shitheads, listen up,” Murray, Hopper’s right hand man, stood with a clipboard, thick rimmed glasses slipping down his nose. “Roll call.”

“Muson, music. You’ve got three new kids that have signed up for private guitar lessons, you’ll get their info by tonight, make sure you check in with Joyce at reception.”

Eddie Munson, one of the older boys nodded, long, dark curls already frizzy with the warmth that the forest trapped beneath its canopy. Originally from Philadelphia, the boy was still dressed in his leather jacket, a denim vest that had ripped sleeves and a giant Dio patch sewn messily onto the back, ready for a metal concert rather than s’mores around the campfire.

“And for the love of god, wear the proper uniform this year.”

On cue, Hopper started throwing out the mandatory shirts, white and years old, the sleeve cuffs red, just like the printed ‘staff’ on the back, in bold, capital letters. 

“Nancy, you’re moving up this year, senior counsellor,” Nancy Wheeler, another Hawkins native, nodded sharply, her hair clipped back and uniform already on. “We’re gonna need the first week's schedule done for the kids arriving at the weekend and christ, make sure these idiots turn up for their shifts.”

Robin snorted from beside you and Murray rounded on her, a finger pointing accusingly. “Buckley, any more missed shifts from you this year and you’ll be on clean up duty for every dinner shift. Bob wants you in the mess hall tomorrow for lunch prep.”

The girl scowled, mumbling under her breath about how it wasn’t her fault she never heard the morning tannoy. A pretty girl from Detroit, Robin was all ripped jeans and backwards caps, sarcastic comments and sleeping wherever she could make herself comfortable.

Hopper threw a shirt at her, grinning when it landed against her face with a soft thump.

“Jonathan.” The boy who was busy fiddling with the camera around his neck suddenly looked up, eyes wide as if he’d been caught half asleep. “The parents are more than happy to buy more of the photo packages this year and we need new prints for the newsletters so we want content, content, content. No slacking and distracting your girlfriend or you’ll be sleeping on the other side of the lake.”

Jonathan Byers, from Bloomington, just a few hours from Hawkins, mumbled an agreement before walking over to sit by Nancy and resting his head on top of hers.

“Hargrove,” Hopper barked from behind his desk, “you’re back on sports but we’re a lifeguard down this year so you’ll be splitting shifts with Harrington.”

Billy Hargrove, California bad boy, was sliding an unlit cigarette between his lips, getting the tip slick as he grunted his agreement. He caught his staff shirt as it flew through the air at him, winking at you when he tucked it into the waistband of his too tight jeans.

“And for fuck sake, Billy, no non staff members in the cabins after six,” Hopper groaned, “I’m not having screaming mothers at my door at one in the morning this year, corrupt the girls of Indiana on your own time, not mine.”

“You two,” Murray finally rounded on you and Steve, a sardonic grin pulling at his lips. “Lovebirds, you’re both on games and swimming.”

Steve and you both huffed out a protest at the term, features pulled into a scowl and you flipped off both Robin and Eddie when they chuckled.

“And Jesus Christ, if any more of your lovers' tiffs result in more broken equipment, it’s coming out of your wages.”

You scoffed, a sound of protest as Steve swore. “Bullshit, what broken equipment?”

The rest of the team snickered as Hopper levelled you with a stare from over the top of the computer screen. Murray snorted from behind his fist and even Steve had to try to hide his grin at your words.

“There’s three cracked kayaks, fourteen broken tennis racquets and a box of punctured basketballs sitting behind the gym as we speak, sweetheart, don’t even go there.”

You rolled your eyes and pushed yourself off of the couch, grabbing Robin’s hand and yanking her up with you when she batted at your arm. 

Everyone else shuffled to their feet, leaving the few newbies in the corner, wide eyed and worried as they waited for their orientation. 

Hopper glared at the seven of you as you lined up at the door, restless and waiting to escape to your cabins, to steal some food from the kitchens when Bob wasn’t looking.

“No drugs,” Hopper announced before Eddie could open the door. “No smoking, and for god sake Munson, don’t tell the kids that you can eat the mushrooms, not again.”

Eddie had the audacity to look bewildered, brown eyes big and doe like as you held in a snicker from behind him. He swatted at your leg and you thumped him back, grinning when the back of your hand caught the edge of his rolling tin in his front pocket. 

The older man moved onto Billy, glaring when the boy only smirked, sliding a pair of gold rimmed aviators over his eyes. 

“Nudity is for the showers and your own cabin, California, I don’t wanna see your ass comin’ out of the lake, I don’t care how early it is in the morning.”

Billy simply grinned wider, snickering when Nancy blushed, rolling his eyes when Robin dug her fingers into his ribs. 

“And you two,” Hopper lifted a hand, gesturing between you and Steve once more, “if I gotta break up any more fights, or play couples therapist, you’ll be paying for my own before summer is over, you hear me?”

The pair of you sulked, eyes lowered to the floor and feet shuffling as you weighed up your options of arguing back, but the office room was lacking its usual cloud of cigar smoke and the coffee machine in the corner had a piece of paper with a big ‘out of order’ scrawled on front.

“Loud and clear, chief,” Steve smirked, eyeing you from where he stood, Eddie grinning between you both.

Murray opened the door to the forest and the sun, the wall of heat seeping in and fighting with the old aircon unit and Hopper’s last words to you all before you slipped out were:

“Play nice and don’t kill the kids.”

Billy caught Steve by the shirt as they left, the boy’s watching as the rest of you walked down the gravel path that led through the trees, splintering off from cabin to cabin.

The blonde boy turned, grinning sharklike, sunglasses still on. He nodded to your retreating frame, taking a second to watch the way your shorts rode up the backs of your thighs as you climbed the cabin stairs behind Robin. 

“You tapped that yet, Harrington?”

Steve glowered, ripping away his arm from the other boy but his reaction only made Billy smirk wider, a lighter appearing from his pocket as he lit his cigarette. 

“Get fucked, Hargrove,” Steve did his best to sound bored, like he didn’t care.

But it only made Billy laugh, blowing smoke to the blue skies and he followed Steve down the opposite trail, heading towards the same cabin that Eddie was currently dragging a small amp into. 

Steve huffed when the blonde boy stomped up the stairs behind him, stepping over the forgotten bags that lay unpacked on the floor. “Maybe that’s Hawkins' problem, you know?” He asked, referring to you. Billy eyed Steve, leaning against his top bunk, the air in the wooden cabin so much cooler than outside. “Maybe she just needs a good seeing to.”

Eddie raised his brows, looking carefully between his bunkmate and Billy, wondering if there was about to be a new record for how quickly a fight broke out. The current sat at seventeen hours after arrival, but there had been a lot more vodka involved that time, and maybe a comment or two about that one time Billy got the clap from some girl in the next town over. 

“Now now, boys,” Eddie intoned, “I’ve not nearly had enough sleep to deal with this shit.”

He went ignored.

Billy continued, teeth sharp and white and bared as he followed Steve around the bunks, leaning against the dresser before the boy had a chance to open it and his eyes flashed when he watched the muscle in the brunette’s jaw twitch. 

“Think she’d let me?” Hargrove asked, “think she’d get a little wild for me?” “Don’t you have shit to do?” Steve snapped, refusing to look at Billy, ‘cause he could feel the tips of his ears getting hot, a horribly uncomfortable tightness clawing at his throat. 

But Billy could see right through him, years of spending summers together, watching the way you and Steve argued, nose to nose and chests panting. He always made sure he had a front seat to the show and poking the angry bear only made the inevitable first argument so much more fun to witness.

Billy clicked his tongue, still grinning unbearably wide. “Maybe I can go visit Hawkins… I’m sure there’s something heavy that your girl needs help with.”

“She’s not my fucking girl.”

The blonde winked at Eddie as he passed, the longer haired boy doing nothing to hide his smile, knowing fine well what game Hargrove was playing. And shit, he was winning, ‘cause by the time Billy left and Steve spun back around, his fists were clenched and a heavy scowl pulled his brows together. 

“You’re too easy, Harrington.”

“Shut up,” Steve muttered, but there wasn’t much heat behind it. He liked Eddie, and god, he knew he was right.

——————

“You know, every summer I expect you and Harrington to walk into camp, hand in hand, talkin’ all sweet to each other,” Robin wasn’t looking at you as she spoke, too busy stuffing already crumpled shirts into the shared dresser, but you knew she was grinning. “The sexual tension has to break sometime, you know?”

“Over my dead, fucking body.”

Your reply was one she’d heard before, year after year, summer after summer, because every June, the same thing happened. Fall outs, arguments, screaming matches in the mess hall, head to head battles on the dock, late night yelling over a campfire and a bottle of cheap bourbon.

“I still don’t get it,” the girl smirked, finally eyeing you from over the top bunk. The late morning light made the small cabin glow, the surface of the lake reflecting in through the open window and off of the panelled walls. “Steve isn’t that bad.”

“That’s because you didn’t have to go through high school with the King himself,” you deadpanned, already bored of the conversation. You’d had it before, several times over with almost all the camp staff, each one wondering why you and Steve fucking Harrington wanted to kill each other over a game of dodgeball, the last poptart at breakfast, picking teams on games night. “Harrington got everything I worked hard for, just ‘cause his daddy has some money.”

You threw your now empty duffle bag to the ground kicking at it until it slid underneath the bed. Your own pillow was in its rightful place on top, the peach coloured case clashing horribly with the army green duvet, but it smelled like home. 

“I announced I was running for class president in sophomore year, and then that asshole decided he would to,” you levelled Robin with a stare, still petulant after so many years. “He threw a party at his stupid rich house and by Monday, everyone was talking about Steve Harrington’s pool and how they were voting for him.”

“Don’t you think it’s unhealthy to hold onto such a grudge-”

You cut the girl off, on a tangent now she’d brought the sore subject up. “Like, wasn’t it enough that he was the swim team captain? And then! When we got into that stupid fight in Junior year, we both ended up with a weeks detention but no, no. Mr Harrington swoops in with a little two grand donation to the school’s library upgrade and low and behold, little Stevie is suddenly off the hook.”

You kicked another bag, this one not as empty and you tried not to wince when your toe made contact with what you assumed was a collection of books. 

“As long as his record is squeaky clean, right? S’not like his dad won’t just pay his way into fucking Yale, or Princeton, for him anyway,” you were grumbling now and when you looked up to see Billy Hargrove walking by with a too smug smile, you flipped him off, trying to make yourself feel better.

He just wiggled his fingers at you in a wave, winking when you grimaced.

“I think I need a drink,” you said, throwing yourself down onto the bed and concluding your Steve Harrington rant, more than likely only the first of the day.

The sheets smelled the same, like they always did. A little musty, like the back of a storage cupboard, almost hidden by the laundry detergent you knew Joyce made Hopper use. Fresh like pine needles, like the forest floor and mountain air. Kinda like another home. 

Robin barked out a laugh before coming over and standing between the space between your knees, your legs splayed over the too narrow mattress. She offered you a hand, exaggerating a loud groan when you took it and she pulled you back up to sit. An affectionate pat fell on your head before she looked around the mess of your half unpacked cabin, sheets and folded towels on the dressers, drawers open and half full, a litter of shoes by the door and an unplugged radio on a chair. 

“You know what?” She huffed out, “we both need a drink.”

——————

The keg party by the lake was a first night tradition, the older staff members long gone to their beds after a tiring first day in the forest heat, lugging around equipment and furniture. 

The rest of you gathered at the dock, crowding the small part of the water front that had sand instead of rocks, the air still warm from the leftover sun despite the stars in the sky. It was inky black in the middle of the woods, the clouds navy, the lake a mirror and the fire gave off an impressive amber glow.

Everyone was painted in orange light, pink and red on their cheeks, smoke in their hair and a different kind of fire in their chests when Billy produced a few bottles of cheap whisky, a half bottle of bourbon and surprising everyone, Nancy had added a bottle of vodka to the pile. Cheap beer came in the form of lukewarm kegs and despite the effort it took, Jonathan pulled the short straw and drove out of camp, meeting the delivery boy on the main road to pick up a pile of hot pizza boxes. 

It smelled like summer, smoke and god awful decisions.

The dirty beat of Need You Tonight by INXS started through the tannoys above you, the old, tinny speakers hidden in the trees.

Some people cheered, others moved to the sand to dance, a slow grind of bodies with their bare feet in the lake, water lapping at ankles as they moved. Steve was grinning from the dock, a rip in the one knee of his jeans, the skin underneath already tanned as if he belonged under the sun. The white t-shirt he wore was threadbare, years old with ‘camp upside down’ faded in green on the chest. 

He was watching you, a feeling that used to make you unravel, like you knew he did it just to earn a rise from you. So you waved instead, sugary sweet and full of sarcasm, huffing when he beckoned you closer with a hand that was holding the last of the bourbon, and you told yourself it was the promise of alcohol that made your feet move. 

You rolled your eyes before narrowing them at the boy in front of you, your red cup clutched to your chest and you couldn’t help but take another step forward, just a small one, until the toes of your shoes were touching his.

He looked down at the wooden boards, the water lapping underneath, barely seen between the cracks in the dark, but the boy was too focused on the way your converse bumped his nikes. It felt like a challenge, like everything with you did and when he looked back up, your chin was tilted high and your eyes were glittering.

You looked like trouble and he hated it. 

“Is this another one of your shitty mixtapes, Harrington?” You let the words drip from your lips, whisky mixing with distaste and the late night air.

Everything was warm and sweet, bourbon and peaches, campfire smoke and leftover lake water on your skin. Steve looked at you, eyes shining, freckles on his nose like stars and he grinned.

“How’d you know, princess?” He took the cigarette that had been tucked behind his ear, slid it between his lips as he kept your gaze, always undefeated in the staring contests you both never meant to start.

“‘Cause it sounds like something a boy would make when he’s trying too hard to get a chick in his bed.”

He lit the cigarette, still grinning, the end of it caught between teeth and Steve Harrington looked so unbelievably ready to play one of your little games with you. The ash burned red in the dim light, the sounds of your friends and co-workers dull behind you both.

“Does that mean it’s working?”

“You fucking wish, wonder boy,” you scoffed and you made a grab for the bottle he was holding, twisting your lips to hold in the annoyance when Steve moved it out of reach, holding the amber liquid above your head.

“So mean already,,” Steve tutted and you hated the familiar warmth that wrapped around his words, like it was supposed to be a compliment. “Don’t you usually wait for day three before breaking out that one?”

“Give it,” you demanded, and from over Steve’s shoulder you could see Eddie and Jonathan watching, expectant smiles on their faces and interest in their eyes.

“Make me, princess,” Steve answered, voice just as short as yours but he sounded too amused, like he always did when he was trying to push your buttons. The boy was too tall, his hand and the bottle well above your head, leaking into the night sky above and you weren’t going to humiliate yourself by trying to jump for it. 

So you drained what was left in your cup, the vodka was too cheap and it burned your tongue but the mix of cherry kool aid made up for it, staining your tongue red. You swiped at your lips, grinned and planted your hands on Steve’s chest much to his surprise. 

But just as his mouth fell into a pretty ‘o’ shape, his brown eyes darkened to that dark honey shade you were used to, you pushed, hard. He hit the water with a splash and to the raucous sound of whoops and cheers, a wolf whistle when he emerged, white top soaked and clinging to the ridges and dips of his muscles, tangled at his waist. 

He spluttered, waist deep in the lake as he stared back up at you, hair dripping into his eyes and oh, he was mad. You were fucking joyous, wrapped up in the way people were laughing and you didn’t break eye contact with the boy as you bent at the waist and picked up the bottle that’d dropped as he fell.

You pulled off the lid, grinned and brought it to your lips, draining the rest of the smoky drink, another burn that nipped at your throat, your chest, your skin. You felt too warm when you chased a stray drip of it with your thumb, sliding over your lip before sucking it back between your lips.

“Made you,” you told Steve. 

The things you do, don’t seem real. 

The kids arrived in a wave of colours and chaos, bags forgotten on buses, new cabins already turned inside out and Joyce had a queue as long as the lake outside of her office, her hands full of allergy medication, inhalers and requests to change bunks ‘cause ‘Kyle Jamison snores like a seventy year old with a lung condition.’

The camp itself was just as messy, it always had been. The old cabins littered the space, winding dirt tracks leading you into a cluster of trees, surrounding the old wooden huts, the porch light almost always flickering in the dark. 

There was faded bunting hanging from branch to branch, the old gym that sat with its rusting tin roof near the back, the dock with its splintering planks by the lake. The grassy hub at the centre was worn down by constant running and makeshift picnics and the wildflowers that free in between it all were getting too tall, bursts of red, yellow and orange between green moss. 

It was getting old, things were a little broken but the entire forest smelled like morning dew, that ‘it’s just rained’ kinda way and old campfire smoke. It was another home. 

Camp Upside Down was officially in full swing. 

You were pleased to see you had some of your returning favourites in your group that year: Will Byers, Lucas Sinclair, Suzie Bingham and Dustin Henderson. 

You were just going through the last of the names on your list, kids gathered in front of you and awaiting their assigned cabins when Steve snatched the clipboard from your hand, huffing. 

“Harrington!”

“What the hell is this?” Steve grumbled, looking at the sheet of paper and at your group. He singled out Dustin, and the boy flushed, all nervous grin and bright eyes underneath his curls. “Henderson, I thought you said you were requesting my group this year?”

The young boy shrugged, glancing at the trees instead of Steve. 

“I, uh, I said I was happy with either of you,” Dustin grinned, front teeth coming in more than they were last year and you beamed back. “Besides, Hawkins sneaks us extra cookies before bed.”

 You shot the boy a look. 

“Hey! I told you not to tell anyone about that,” you admonished, eyes rolling. “And that’s not my name, Dustin, we spoke about this last year.”

But before Dustin could argue back, Steve was pulling you aside, his hands shockingly warm as they wrapped around your wrist. You stumbled into the tree line with him, shoes sinking into moss, senses surrounded by cedar and cicadas and Steve. 

“What the fuck? Steve!” You hissed, pulling yourself from his grasp with a scowl. 

Before either if you could say anything,Lucas Sinclair, a tall, dark haired kid tapped a passing new counsellor on the arm. They looked concerned when the boy pointed to you both, hidden in the trees.

“Mom and Dad are fighting again,” he told them, voice bored and lacking any real worry. 

“You’re stealing my kids, princess!” Steve’s voice was just as annoyed as yours, his brow furrowed as he stabbed a finger at your sheet of names. 

“Stealing?” You scoffed, whacking your clipboard against his own. The metal clip narrowly missed his fingers and he swore at you hotly. “Stealing? They’re children, Harrington, not collectibles.”

The kids in question were giggling where you’d left them, your group mixing with Steve’s as they stared in that unabashed way only preteens could. You flushed when you heard one of them - Nancy’s brother, Mike, you were sure - made wet, kissing noises. Immature and highly ironic, you noted, considering he was standing hand in hand with a girl called El. 

You glared at them all and they quietened, but only just. 

Spinning back round to deal with your other problem, you pointed a finger to Steve’s chest, hating the way he smirked at your sudden frustration. 

“And what’s your point anyway, huh?” You huffed, “you have Maxine this year, I always have Max in my group!”

Steve looked entirely too smug as he bent a little at waist, crowding down into you so you were both toe to toe. 

You hated it. 

You hated his brown eyes, the way they caught the sun. You hated the smattering of freckles he got every summer, the moles on his neck, the ones you knew dotted the rest of his skin. You hated his hair, how it fell into his eyes when he got mad at you, how he was too focused on you to push it back. 

“Maybe Max just likes me better.”

You gasped, entirely offended at his accusation and before you could hurl something sharp and quick back at him, the girl in question raised her hand from the middle of the crowd, face scrunched in uncertainty. 

“Hi, uh, yeah” You both turned to look at the redhead. “Yeah, no, that’s absolutely not true.”

You rounded back on the boy, a shit eating grin on your face as you raised your brows, your expression victorious. 

“Whatever,” he mumbled, almost nose to nose now and you could smell the spearmint gum he’d chewed, the clean smell of his cologne, whatever body wash he’d used that morning. “Good luck keeping mini Byers alive.”

“Hey!” Will piped up, louder than he’d been last summer and he was scowling at Steve. “I only have three inhalers now.”

Steve rolled his eyes, finally moving out of your space and rounding up his kids like some sort of rogue cowboy, sans horse. He waved the boy away, sounding somewhat placating when he congratulated him. 

“That’s great, Will, honestly buddy,” Steve offered a fist bump, one that the smaller boy happily accepted. “Just don’t let Hawkins here let you forget them yeah?”

Steve turned back to you once more, still smug, still infuriating. “We wouldn’t want her to get in trouble now, would we?”

——————

“Camp has been in session for five minutes.”

Murray was standing in front of you, hands open in a gesture that screamed ‘for the love of god, explain yourselves.’ Hopper was sitting at his desk, eyes closed, fingers running circles at his temples and he sighed heavily. 

Neither you nor Steve spoke, eyes trained on the old, worn floorboards, converse shuffling, shoulders shrugging, lips twisted to hide your matching smirks. 

“Does someone want to explain what happened this time? Because we can’t keep throwing kayaks in the trash like they’re broken cups, people! They're not cheap!”

“Well, you see, Steve has this real annoying habit of-”

“- just because the princess feels then need to win at everything-”

“I need to win at everything?! Me?! Are you fu-”

“Yes you! Always breathin’ down my back, waitin’ for me to fuck up so you can-”

“Enough!“ Hopper jumped up from his chair, hands slamming on his desk as he hunched over it, shoulders heaving, face too red. “Who. Broke. The Kayak?”

You and Steve sighed, shoulder slumped, heads tilted to the ceiling as if you could avoid the question, each other, the inevitable punishment that was coming your way. You sighed, Steve groaned and you both swore. 

Because, honestly? You weren’t sure who’s fault it was. Maybe yours, probably Harrington's. More than likely both. ‘Cause the kids had stumbled out of the lake, giddy and a little sunburnt, leaving you to haul the kayaks onto the shore on your own.

Steve had only watched you for a few minutes, smirk on his face as you struggled with the faded red boats, huffing as you attempted to lift them onto the racks, feet clumsy and damp hair sticking to your forehead, your cheeks. 

In fact, he looked entirely too amused as he leaned against the dock and by the time he’d come over, offering a rare display of help, you stubbornly told him to ‘fuck off.’

 He’d laughed at that, angering you more and you squeaked as he stretched out behind you, his chest still bare from helping his group in the water, and the solid warmth of it brushed against your back when his hands moved to help yours.

He jumped when you did, hands stuttering over your own, over the kayak and you had to push yourself up onto your toes when the boat slipped from the railing. You both caught it in time, Steve pressed into you, cedar and mint and boyish cologne as the curve of your ass settled into his hips. As soon as the kayak was in place, you spun, pushing at his shoulders.

“I can do it myself,” you mumbled, suddenly far too flustered to sound overly annoyed. “I don’t need your help.”

“Christ, princess, you sound like a five year old,” Steve scoffed, but you couldn’t help but notice the flush on his cheeks, looking like you felt. “Can’t admit when you need help, huh?”

“I don’t need help from you, wonder boy,” you tried to laugh, but it came out too pitchy, too forced. 

The camp was quiet now the kids had gone back to their cabins, the lake settling after the afternoon swim, the smell of churros and pizza rolls coming from the mess hall. The air fizzed with summer heat and something else and you weren’t sure why, but your chest was heaving, the straps of your swimsuit suddenly feeling too tight. 

“Stop calling me that,” Steve growled, eyes flashing and he moved into you again, the way he did when every argument started. “You know I fuckin’ hate that.”

“No shit,” you spat, meeting him in the middle, chin raised in a taunt, a dare, a challenge. “You think I’m here to make your life easier than it already is?” “You’re fucking infuriating,” Steve hissed, “you know fuck all about my life, princess, don’t act like you’re so hard done by.”

You pressed a hand to Steve’s stomach, ignoring the way the muscles there clenched under your touch and you pushed at him, something inside you crackling when he didn’t budge. 

You hated his stupid smile, the way his lips twisted when he made you mad enough to scrunch your nose at him. You hated the way he looked down at you when you were this close, through his lashes, like you were something to be studied. Like he liked the way got into his personal space.

“Well damn, why don’t you tell me how you really feel, Harrington?”

Steve pushed his tongue to the inside of his cheek to try and hide his grin, and he shrugged, trying to look entirely unbothered at your pushing. He took another step towards you, chasing you slowly when you stumbled back, body pressed to the stacked kayaks behind you. 

The old boats were warm from the sun, the cheap pvc hot on your skin, back bared down the low cut of your swimsuit, your shorts doing nothing to protect the backs of your thighs. You wondered if that’s why your chest felt flushed, if that’s why your face was heating up. 

“Can’t do that,” he said, tutting before taking his time letting his eyes drop down your body, before trailing back up again. He caught your gaze, held it, bolder than ever. “I’ll get in too much trouble.”

And then, he fucking winked. 

So really, it was Steve’s fault that you stumbled into the racks, the kayak that the boy had just helped you push into place rocking on the rails. Neither of you had the reflexes to do anything about it when it slipped backwards, landing on the hard ground, the dull thud ringing out across camp, the sound ending with a sharp crack, the pvc splitting across the bow of the boat. 

So that’s how you both ended your night in the mess hall, waving after Bob as he finished serving up sloppy joes and went to find the gaggle of kids that demanded that he needed to fix their broken Walkmans and waterlogged Mattel electronic games. 

Murray had stood in front of you both, grinning widely as he handed you mops and cleaning supplies, gleefully pointing out the mustard stains on the linoleum, the spattering of jello that had somehow painted one of the windows. 

It was times like these that you were almost sure you preferred Hopper’s red face and grumbled lectures. 

“I want this place spotless,” Murray told you both, waving a pair of yellow rubber gloves at Steve. The boy snatched them, face less than impressed when the man simply chuckled. “If you can flirt somewhere away from expensive camp property, you can work out some of this sexual tension by trying to get rid of that dried in chilli from last year.”

You would’ve gagged at the mention of the fossilised food if you hadn’t burned at the insinuation of flirting. And sexual tension. With Steve fucking Harrington. 

But the boy beat you to it, as always, his eyes widening and he brandished the mop like a weapon as he pointed at you. 

“We were not flirting,” he insisted, “we do not flirt.”

Murray chuckled, “alright Casanova, keep your hair on.” 

You snorted and Steve scowled, shooting you a look that clearly was meant to tell you to shut the fuck up, but you couldn’t help yourself. 

“Murray, I’d like to think in all the years that we’ve known each other, you’d think I had better taste than to pine after Harrington,” you turned to the boy, smiling as sweet as the summer outside. “Wonder boy has enough of the fifteen year olds twirling their pigtails for him.”

“Stop calling me that.”

You ignored him, splashing his trainers with your mop instead and he kicked your bucket in return. 

“Yeah, no, this?” Murray clicked his fingers at you both, pointing back and forth at you as if you were a science experiment. “This is ridiculous. Do something about it before you both implode. I’m not having you take the entire camp down just because you’re both too horny to come to terms with normal human emotions.”

Your jaw dropped, a small noise of indignation coming from you and Steve looked completely bewildered. 

He grinned once more, smug as he shook his head, like he was the only enjoying whatever inside joke was going on. He turned to leave, not before reaching into his pocket and flicking something at Steve. 

The boy caught it instinctively and he turned to the man with wide eyes. But Murray was already walking away, a stern hand raised in the air, finger pointed to the roof as if he was giving you both some sage words of wisdom as he called out:

“Keep it clean!”

You realised he wasn’t just referring to the mess hall when Steve held up the object, face aghast and cheeks positively on fire, the square, foil packet pinched between his fingers. 

You were burning, mouth open in surprise and you panicked, batting Steve’s hand and making the condom fall into the sudsy water you had both already spilled onto the floor. 

You definitely preferred Hopper’s way of punishment. 

“Put that in the trash, right fucking now,” you demanded, staring at the offending object like it was a ticking time bomb, waiting to blow. 

“Christ, settle down, princess priss,” Steve huffed, “it’s not gonna bite.”

But for once, he did what you asked, the highs of his cheeks still tinted pink as he snatched the silver packet from the floor, stuffing it deep into the trash bags you’d both been equipped with. He didn’t look at you. 

You both worked in silence as the late afternoon turned into dusk, the sky outside the window a pretty lavender, the clouds over the lake turning the water tangerine and it was so quiet. 

Most of the kids would be in their bunks by now, some excitedly making their way over to one of the older cabins where Eddie would organise a game of Dungeons and Dragons for them all. Nancy would be in Hop’s office, going through the next week's schedule and Jonathan would be hidden in his makeshift darkroom, a small shed that was once used for bikes. 

You were almost certain Billy would be skulking the woods, looking for a ritual sacrifice or some lone kid to blow his shrill whistle at. Either option seemed likely. 

Robin would probably already be back in your shared cabin, music on, one of Eddie’s free joints hanging from her lips and you wondered if Steve would normally spend his down time alone, or if he liked to wander the collection of bars the next town over had to offer. If he brought some girl back to his cabin, if he pressed her down onto his stupid bunk that probably smelled like sunscreen and his cologne. 

Your stomach twisted ugly at the thought and you slammed the soaking mop down onto the floor harder than you needed to. 

You were positively glowering at the streaks of leftover over pudding some kind had smeared across the floor, kicking the forgotten baseball cards and tiny action figures so they skittered under the stacked chairs. 

“What’s got your panties in a twist?” The boy called out. 

He was sitting on one of the long lunch tables, legs swinging with a smirk on his face. He’d hardly cleaned, you’d come to realise, but you couldn’t find it in you to care. You had other reasons to be mad now. 

You stared at him from across the empty hall, chest heaving with an annoyance that only Steve Harrington could pull from you. You let mop clatter roll the floor, uncaring as you rounded on him. 

“You,” you spat, hands on your hips and hair messy from where the late night heat made it stick to your forehead. 

“Me?” Steve asked, all faux shock and innocence with a hand pressed to his chest. He grinned, wolfish and sharp edges. “Didn’t realise I had an effect on your underwear, princess, wanna elaborate?”

There it was again, you realised. That flirting lilt that weaved its way through his usual taunts and teases, Steve’s normal bite not quite cutting as deep. Not this year, not this time. 

It made you flustered, on edge, unable to formulate the kind of barbed reply you usually kept on the tip of your tongue, just for him, and oh my god, it infuriated you. 

“You have absolutely no reason to be thinking about what’s under my shorts, Harrington,” you told him, eyes narrowed as you went about moving the stacks of chairs against the wall. 

“Bold of you to assume I’d want to, Hawkins.”

The light was leaking from the day and what was left of the sun made the shadows on Steve’s face lilac and peach. You didn’t know you’d marched over to him until you were able to reach out and touch him. 

You didn’t. You couldn’t. 

“Don’t call me that,” you snapped, “don’t call me that as if you don’t come from the same shitty, backwater town as me.”

Steve leaned forward, his hands curling around the edge of the table as he raised his brows, ready for another argument. You could feel the heat radiating from him, like he’d trapped the sun in his chest, like summer lived inside of him. 

“D’you prefer princess? The princess of Hawkins, is that it?” His voice was mocking, his eyes sarcastically soft. 

“Fuck off, Harrington,” you snarled, and you couldn’t help but lean in too, Steve’s knees pressing into the front of your thighs, your fists clenched by your sides. “At least I’m getting away from that place without my daddy paying my way out.”

“Watch your mouth, sweetheart,” Steve spoke lowly, more serious than you’d heard him before. “You don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.”

“Ooh, did I hit a nerve, sweetheart?” You bit back. 

The boy stared at you, gaze heavy and hot in a way that made you squirm. The air was buzzing, popping and crackling like there had been a fire lit between you and suddenly, you didn’t know how you were supposed to end this fight. 

The tension was too thick to walk away from, sticky like honey, trapping you there. 

“You’re fucking impossible,” he whispered, staring at you like you were a puzzle piece that just didn’t fit. “You’re a pain in my ass, you have been since fucking freshman year.”

You scoffed, pinched and nipped by his words because you were just as aggravated by his presence as he was yours. Maybe more. And probably for longer. 

“Freshman year?” You said, surprise colouring your tone. “That’s real cute Harrington, but you’ve been getting on my last fucking nerve since seventh grade.”

“Seventh grade? What the fu-”

You sucked in a breath, preparing yourself. You’d been waiting for this moment for eight years. 

“Mrs Duncan’s science fair!” You burst out, “I worked my ass off making those vegetable batteries!”

Steve was staring at you blankly, lips parted. 

“I had my tables and all my charts, I even bought a metre to measure the voltage with just my pocket money!” You jabbed a finger to his chest, lips twisted into an almost pathetic pout but you felt twelve again and Steve Harrington still pushing your buttons. 

“And you! You waltzed in half an hour late, with a stupid bottle of coke and some mentos, claiming that you’d been the one to discover fucking CO2.”

Steve, unable to hide his amused smile, just shrugged. “I was barely thirteen, Jesus Christ princess…”

“And then your dad came in behind you,” you sniffed. “He walked right up to Mrs Duncan and handed her a piece of paper. And I remember it had a few zeros on it,” you laughed without much humour. 

The smile slipped from Steve’s face. 

“It was so weird, y’know? How that happened and then you won? And then the next week the library had been restocked and suddenly there were new bunsen burners in the science lab.”

You were genuinely surprised when Steve shoved past you, his hands a shocking heat on the dip of your waist as he grabbed at you to tug you out of his way. You didn’t know when you’d moved to stand between his legs, close enough to see the different shades of brown in his eyes, the way there was a small freckle just below his left brow. 

He was marching across the mess hall, mop and trash bag forgotten and you were so shocked that it took you a few seconds before you called out, weaker than you had previously been speaking. 

“What’s wrong, wonder boy? Don’t like it when you’re called out?”

You weren’t sure if you felt smug or concerned when he spun on his heel, stalking back towards you and moving into you, close enough that the mess of his hair brushed your forehead. But you stood your ground, your legs bumping into the back of the table he’d just left, and you watched through interested eyes as Steve’s chest heaved. 

He looked like he wanted to say something, to yell at you even. But you tilted your chin in one last act of defiance, the tip of your nose just, just brushing his and you swore on everything that was holy that you watched the fight leave him. 

He was still breathing heavily, like he’d run a mile, took a few hits in a boxing ring, got into a fight with a pretty girl and walked back in for more. You hated it when you realised your chest was moving the same, breaths leaving you in short bursts but you didn’t dare let your stare drop from the boy’s. 

You watched lips part, you watched his gaze drop to your mouth and suddenly the birds outside stopped chirping and you could’ve sworn that the world ceased spinning. It felt like the forest was waiting. 

Like it was holding its breath. 

But then the mop that Steve had left resting against the table he had crowded you against fell, clattering to the floor with a sharp echo. It startled you both, jumping apart as you shared one last breath together, eyes on the floor, cheeks burning. 

You didn’t try to stop him when he left a second time, managing to disappear out of the door and into the summer night. You watched the trees and the shadows swallow him, fireflies and leftover smoke in the air and fucking hell, you hated that you watched him walk away until his cabin door could be heard slamming shut.

Tell me what you’ve got in mind. 

By the end of the second week of camp, the staff was starting to show the stress of running after a bunch of kids twenty four hours a day. Some of the younger children in Robin's group had caught a bug, and between your friend, yourself and Joyce, you were all run ragged, hauling buckets across camp and dishing out cold compresses like sweets. 

So when Saturday rolled in, warmer than the last, you were all ready to let off some steam, meeting behind the gymnasium when the sun went down, greeted by a small fire that Eddie got going in an old trash can. He brought some pre-rolled joints, some stolen bags of chips from Bob’s secret stash and the gym was far away enough from the rest of the camp that no one heard the noise of the boombox Jonathan brought with him. 

You threw your own additions into the middle of the makeshift circle that the seven of you made, the newer counsellors still too scared to toe the line of what might get them fired. You stared at the pile of paraphernalia in the middle of the halved logs, makeshift sofas in the too long grass. 

A baggie of weed, a grinder and Eddie’s tin of joints, Billy’s favourite whisky, another bottle of vodka - loaded with cherry jolly ranchers that made it pretty and pink. A few cassettes, some homemade mixtapes, the stolen chips, some red vines and sour patch kids, the packet already open and sugar coating the grass.

You hadn’t really spoken to Steve since the mess hall incident. 

You’d rather immaturely begged Eddie to switch block sessions with you, allowing you to take your kids to the other side of camp, far from where Steve spent time with his group. You’d organised a massive arts and craft project with Nancy instead, avoiding her knowing looks and pointed questions, letting Dustin go crazy with googly eyes, glitter and neon felt tips instead. 

It didn’t matter if you’d asked the kids to make their favourite animal, you’d accept Henderson’s four eyed, sparkly green lizard looking thing over Nancy’s inquisition any day of week. You felt a little bad though, when you all discovered as a group that Will was most definitely allergic to the new type of glue sticks that Hopper had bought. 

But it meant that you’d only seen Steve during some meal times, a glance over breakfast, a small collision during one dinner, fries and a bottle of iced tea falling to the floor and everyone had stopped, stared, waited for the yells. 

They hadn’t come. 

You’d watched him argue with Max when she climbed a tree that he’d already warned her was too tall, you and your group stopping mid swim in the lake to bob around in the current, watching as the boy kicked a dead branch in frustration before scrambling up after her when Max inevitably got stuck. 

You knew he was listening in when Dustin started asking why you worked at the camp, a question he asked you every year. You always told the boy it was because you loved seeing him and the rest of the rugrats he called friends. And it always worked when he was younger, ‘cause he’d smile and let you muss up his curls, overjoyed with such an answer and a piece of bubblegum from your pocket. 

But he was older now and less believing and when you gave him the same adoring monologue, he simply raised his brows and asked again. 

“College,” you had told him simply. “Or money really. I need the cash to be able to leave Hawkins and go somewhere else.”

“Where?” Dustin had asked you, sincere in only the way kids could be. 

You were overly aware that Harrington was sitting behind you at the other table, back to back with you on the benches as he showed El how to tie her elastic just right, so that her slingshot would definitely beat Sinclairs. You didn’t have it in you to tell both of them that that kind of craft project definitely wasn’t allowed. 

You leaned into Dustin instead and shrugged, smiling softly despite the way you saw Steve in your peripheral, turning just enough so he could hear you say:

“Anywhere.”

So it was a little jarring when he arrived at your little staff get together, camp shirt replaced with one of his own, a sunshine yellow tee that made his eyes look like honey and his skin more tanned. You hated that you noticed, that you knew he looked good. 

He greeted everyone warmly, bar you, sending you a curt nod of his head over the burning fire that had Nancy rolling her eyes and Robin poking you in the ribs. Because there were no barbed wire words exchanged between either of you, no jabs, no bites, no smug smiles or sarcastic grins. 

“What is going on with you two?”

You ignored her question, giving her a warning glare that she also chose to ignore, ‘cause she went and sat next to Eddie and Jonathan instead, whispering to them behind the plumes of smoke they’d created. 

After a few drinks and several people telling Billy to shut up, the night turned darker, the sky navy and the air still stiflingly warm. The fire was more a source of light than heat at this point, or as Eddie liked to remind everyone, ‘it’s for the ambience,’ and everyone was doing their best to stay away from the flames, skin already tight and sore with fresh sunburn from that day. 

It only took the vodka bottle being emptied before Billy announced a game of truth or dare, to which everyone groaned and asked what age he was. But he tutted, unperturbed and dropped the empty glass bottle into the middle of the messy circle your bodies had made. 

“Don’t be so fuckin’ boring,” he intoned, “it’s either this or hitchhiking into Bloomington to find a chick that likes being on top-”

The girls groaned, faces pulled into disgust and Jonathan was shaking his head, a bemused look on his face. 

“-and quite frankly that seems like too much effort tonight.”

Steve scoffed, taking the joint Eddie offered him, pushing it between his lips for a hit before he turned to Billy, one eyebrow raised. 

“You mean finding a girl that doesn’t already know you’re a giant dickhead is gettin’ harder to find?”

Sometimes you wondered if Steve hated Billy more than he hated you. 

“There’s always your princess,” Billy grinned, eyeing you in a way that made you feel like you were under a microscope. “She’s gotta give into me sometime, right?”

“Keep dreaming, Hargrove,” you butted in, doing nothing to hide the disgust in your voice. You wanted to kick yourself when you realised you’d responded to being Steve’s princess, your name never even being mentioned. “I’d rather kiss Harrington.”

The wave of something washed over the group at your words, wide eyes and soft smirks, and you felt your stomach sink. Steve was staring at you, eyes lit up with something that looked akin to a challenge, a dare that you hadn’t yet been asked. 

Fuck. 

“Is that so?” Billy laughed, a harsh noise that let everyone know he wasn’t happy at your statement. But he grinned, sharp teeth and sharper blue eyes, steely on you. “You always pick dare, don’t you, sweetheart?”

“That’s not-”

“I dare you to give us all some entertainment and make out with Harrington,” Billy continued, talking over you without even blinking. “Maybe if both of your mouths are busy, we’ll get some fuckin’ peace and quiet around here.”

Nobody breathed. 

But someone must’ve picked your mixtape out of the pile, ‘cause the opening beat to ‘I Think We’re Alone Now,’ by Tiffany, started to play. You stared at Billy, shocked at his suggestion, his demand. The game suddenly felt less fun and the only sounds were the echo of your strangled scoff and the crackle of the fire. 

But then Nancy was pushing her foot into your ankle from where she sat on her boyfriend's lap, eyes glittering. 

“On you go,” she told you, and you think she was trying to be encouraging. 

“What?”

“What?” Nancy repeated, doe eyes innocent and wide, like she didn’t know what she was doing. “You picked dare!”

“I didn’t say shit!” You exclaimed, looking around at your friends for help. Robin and Eddie were cackling, faces pressed into each others shoulders, and being absolutely no fucking help to you. “Guys!”

“C’mon, Hawkins, you don’t like to lose now, do you?” Billy was grinning from where he lazed across some old crash mats, his voice a slow drawl as he chewed some gum obnoxiously. “Give Harrington a little lovin’.”

‘Children, behave… that’s what they say when we’re together.’

You turned to Steve, who was still leaning against the gym wall, his eyes finding yours even in the dim evening light. He looked unsure, nervous even, like he was ready to tell the rest of them to shut up, to pack it in. But then he watched the way you brought the bottle of wine to your lips, letting the rest of the sweet drink trickle past your lips and god, he looked at you like he was ready to fight. 

Dark brown eyes, smirk on his lips, cocky tilt of his head like he was waiting for you. 

He sucked a breath in through his teeth as he watched you stand there, thinking, weighing up your options. 

“What’s my forfeit?” You asked cautiously. 

You turned when Billy chuckled, blue eyes looking as navy as the sky. He let his head tip back, smoke slipping from his lips and into the trees before he grinned at you, far, far too happily. 

“Me,” he told you. 

So Steve sighed, overly dramatic before he spoke to the group, voice full of that easy confidence you hated so much. 

“Don’t worry princess, you can give it your best shot and I promise I won’t feel a damn thing.”

Your friends cackled and hollered around you; always thoroughly amused by the show you and Steve put on. Robin shook her head from where she sat beside Eddie, a shit eating grinning pulling at her lips and she spilled some beer as she leaned forward and called out:

“What’s that they say? It’s a fine line between love and hate?”

More laughs, whispers and knowing nudges, dollar bills exchanging hands as the group placed their bets on what would happen next. 

“I bet your dick says otherwise.”

You don’t know what made you mention Steve Harrington’s dick, but it made the boy’s jaw go slack and the rest of the circle lost it. More whistles, jeering and catcalls broke the quiet of the night, loud over the music, louder because of the vodka and you couldn’t help but set Steve with a smile and a shrug. 

This felt like a game you wanted to win. 

So you walked over to where he stood, leaning lazy against the gym wall, watching you move towards him like a predator stalking its prey. He was looking at you the same way he did when you ended up on opposite teams for a game of capture the flag, all red hot intensity, pride and confidence bubbling over. 

You were surprised when Steve’s hands settled on the dip of your waist, holding you there as you pushed up on your toes to find his lips. Your hand grabbed at his shirt, fisted at the collar to pull him down to you and something in your stomach tumbled when he obeyed.  

He didn’t make any more moves though, eyes almost closed as he looked at you through his lashes, watching, waiting, seeing if you fulfilled your dare. 

It was awfully quiet now, your friends silent, the radio and the fire both crackling and you could hear how you and Steve’s harsh breaths fell over each other’s faces. 

You’d never been this close before. And then it all happened a little too fast. 

His fingers flexed at your sides, digging into the soft there and you weren’t sure if it was out of anticipation, impatience or annoyance. There is as something screaming inside of you to move away, to take the loss, that kissing Steve fucking Harrington wouldn’t be worth the five second glory of completing a dare behind the gym hall. 

But then Steve was whispering and it fell across your lips, his breath sweet like raspberry sour patch kids and rosè wine. 

“If you’re too scared, princess, I totally understa-“

One more push was all you needed. A poke, a pinch, from him, the one person who knew how to rile you up the best. 

You kissed him with a surprising softness. Your mouths clashed rough at first, like you did it just to shut him up, to prove a point. And that was true. But your lips gave way to him with surprising ease, a push and pull that felt less like a fight than you thought it would. 

It was easy to pretend it wasn’t a dare when Steve let out the prettiest sound, a half sigh, half groan that came from the back of his throat and when he tried to move into you, to take a little more control, your hand that was still curled into his shirt pushed him back into the wall he was leaning on. 

He seemed to like that though, ‘cause you felt the curve of his lips on yours, smiling into the kiss and his grip on your waist got almost too tight, like he was planning on leaving marks on you. 

Maybe he was. 

But then it was a fight, like always, the most dizzying kind. His lips were hot and he tasted sweet, like summer and candy and too cheap alcohol. It felt nice to be kissed, it was all very nice until you remembered it was Harrington and you pushed into him a little harder, nipped at his lip and tugged on his hair. He gave it back just as good, nails scraping against your back, just catching bare skin as he lifted the shirt from your sides. 

No one said a word when you parted. Not you, not Steve, not your friends. Not even Billy. You left Steve with a small gasp, a soft noise as you finally parted, so entirely unaware of how long you’d been caught up in his kiss. You felt bruised, on fire, like you’d just stumbled away from your most heated argument yet. 

The only saving grace was that he looked as dizzy as you felt. 

—————

When a team meeting was called early the next morning, you walked into Hopper's cabin last, only to find everyone in different stages of a hangover, but all equally happy to see you. 

They were all grinning, wide, knowing smiles that set your own teeth on edge, your headache worsening when you caught sight of Steve slouched low on the sofa. 

He had a pair of Ray Bans perched on his nose and he didn’t look at you when you walked in, eyes on the floor and wincing. 

Why the fuck did you kiss Steve fucking Harrington?

“Good morning to you, darlin’,” Billy drawled from where he was leaning against Murray’s desk, smirking with tired eyes. “Sleep well? You didn’t come knockin’ on my cabin so I assume Harrington took real good care of you.”

Oh, you remembered. That’s why. 

“Fuck off, Hargrove.”

It was all you could muster when your mouth still tasted like bourbon and Steve, and Murray looked thoroughly interested when he took to the middle of the floor, clipboard in hand. 

“I don’t know what went on last night,” he chuckled, “but I’m sure your hungover asses will be pleased to know that it’s hike day.”

Please for the love of god, no. 

Everyone groaned, faces dropping in upset and Robin, who had already been sitting on the floor, her back to Nancy’s legs, slumped over, cheek pressed to the old carpet and she made a noise that was akin to a wail. 

“Lucky for most of you, we already have sign ups,” Murray crowed gleefully. “Harrington, Hawkins número dos, have a great day.”

Your mouth fell open in protest - hypocritical, you knew, considering you went through the training for hiking safety last summer, but you weren’t on the schedule until next week. 

You stared at Nancy who was flicking through the rota with confusion knitted into her features and when she caught your eye, she just shrugged. 

“No, no, no,” you told Murray, a strange laugh bubbling in your throat that sounded like panic, “I’m not taking my kids out until next weekend, with Robin!”

Murray shrugged, not looking like he really cared and he crossed his arms, nodding his head towards Eddie. 

“No, I know,” he told you in a voice he probably thought was soothing. “But Eddie Munster here-”

“Um, it’s Munson actually.”

“Whatever - your idiot colleague here decided that the road less travelled was the best way home last night.” Murray grinned and pointed down to where Eddie’s foot sat on a small stool, his ankle wrapped tightly in a haphazard bandage. “He’s sprained it.”

You gaped at the boy and Eddie had the right to look sorry, his teeth bared in an apologetic grimace and he mouthed “sorry” at you from beside Steve. His bunk mate hardly stirred. 

“Can’t someone else go?” You asked, spinning back to Murray and you didn’t even care that you sounded desperate. “Like, literally anyone else?”

But Murray kept smiling, his clipboard clasped to his chest like a schoolgirl with a secret diary and he sighed dramatically at you before shaking his head. 

“No.”

“But Hopper specifically said  that we’re not allowed to group together anymore!” You tried, gesturing wildly to Steve who barely answered with a groan. “Not after summer eighty three when he almost drowned me.” 

“Okay that’s a little dramatic, don’t you think?”

You rounded on the boy, hands still flapping around yourself. “Oh, he speaks! Don’t you have anything to say about this?”

Steve peered at you from over the top of his sunglasses, brown eyes weary behind them. He groaned, frowned and pushed his head onto Eddie’s shoulder. 

“Yeah, no, I’m too tired to argue right now, princess.”

Murray looked entirely too amused and he crooked his finger in air quotes when he snorted and said, “sure, tired, gotcha.” He turned back to you, still grinning obnoxiously. “Anyway, chief isn’t here today and I figured there isn’t any boating equipment for either of you to break out in the mountains.”

The group tittered. 

“So hop to it,” he clapped his hands, board tucked under his arm and everyone leapt to their feet when the older man made a move to grab the whistle that hung around his neck. “The kids are finishing breakfast and I want both your groups at the meeting point for a safety debrief before nine.”

—————

You were busy smearing another layer of sunscreen on Will’s nose when Dustin appeared at your side. 

The two groups had made it halfway up the trail, the sun lazy and warm, the way it could only be on an early morning hike. The sky was still hazy, a soft blue lavender that made the clouds in the sky seem dreamlike. The kids were still quiet with sleep, trailing happily behind each other, trading secrets and sips of water with their assigned hike buddies. 

It was nice. Apart from Steve leading the way with a scowl on his face. 

“Are you and Steve fighting?” Dustin asked, curls stuffed messily under a Camp Upside Down hat. 

You finished patting at Will’s forehead as you turned to the other boy with a soft frown. But the two kids stared up at you expectantly, as if waiting for some sort of answer. 

“Uh, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Henderson,” you laughed softly, “but Harrington and I fight all the time. Argue, I mean. Hitting is bad.” 

Will rolled his eyes as he fell back into step beside you, the three of you continuing up the path a little behind the rest of the group. But Dustin tugged at your shirt sleeve, clearly not finished with the conversation, nor satisfied with your answer. 

“But that’s the point,” he proclaimed and you huffed as you pulled him out of the way of a fallen branch, his attention focused too much on you to notice it in his way. “You haven’t been mean to each other all morning.”

“Or called each other names,” Will pointed out from the other side of you. 

“That’s because name calling isn’t nice,” you tried to protest, but your voice sounded weak even to your own ears. 

“You call each other names all the time.”

For the love of god. 

Suzie Bingham had appeared beside Dustin, coke bottle glasses slipping down the bridge of her nose as she set you with a knowing look. Dustin grinned at the girl's appearance, cheeks pink as their shoulders brushed together on the narrow path. 

“That’s not the point,” you told her, grappling for an explanation. You glanced up ahead, over the crowd of children’s heads to see Steve bickering with Lucas and Mike, Max poking him in the back with a long stick as she trudged behind them. “We’re adults.”

All three kids stared at you, expressionless and less than impressed. 

“Have you and Steve ever kissed?” Will suddenly asked, letting the words burst out from his chest like he knew he shouldn’t have asked. 

You tripped over a branch, the same fallen sticks that scattered the trail that you’d pulled Dustin away from. You turned to look at the boy so fast that your neck protested, your eyes wide. 

“Because Steve looks at you like he wants to kiss you all the time.” 

And then you were on the ground, gravel stuck to your bare knees and dirt on your hands and shins, swearing at the forest floor because all you could think about was the press of Harrington’s lips on yours, the way he dug his fingers into your sides like he couldn’t let go. 

Fuck. 

“Shit!” You cried out, hot, frustrated tears brimming at your lash line and you winced when you tried to stand back up. 

Suzie dropped to the trail beside you, eyes worried as she took note of the blood that slipped down your leg, a nasty gash on your knee that looked like it came from the jagged piece of bark that lay beside you. 

“Someone get Steve,” she started to say, a small hand on your shoulder that brought a little comfort. 

But Dustin was already cupping his hands over his mouth and positively hollering over the line of kids that were oblivious to what was going on behind them. 

“STEVE!” 

You groaned, “Dustin, no, I’m fine, honest.” 

“You’re bleeding!” Will protested, looking rather sickly at the sight of the red line that was quickly seeking into the white of your sock. 

“STEEEVE!”

“Kill me,” you whispered to the ground, “just kill me.”

You saw Steve’s trainers before anything else, the soft thud, thud, thud of his soles on the dirt as he pushed his way through to you. You managed to shove yourself back, your knees protesting before dropping to your ass, inspecting your bloodied leg, wincing. 

“Shit, are you okay?”

No comment about your clumsiness, or how you were dumb, or how your dirty, cut up knee looked gross. No, Steve’s voice was shockingly soft with concern as he dropped down on his haunches to inspect your injury. 

“M’fine,” you muttered, cheeks warm because he was almost as close as he had been last night, smelling like leftover cologne and sunscreen, the strawberry smoothie you’d watched him grab at breakfast. 

“Really?” He mused, his tone disbelieving. “‘Cause that looks pretty nasty, princess.”

His hand moved to cup the back of your sore knee, fingers tucked into the sensitive skin there as he went to inspect the scrape. You jolted at his touch, body electric underneath him and you watched the way Steve’s eyes widened at your reaction. 

“Shit, did that hurt?”

“What? No, yes, fuck,” you were panicking, you could hear it in your voice and from somewhere behind you, you heard the distinctive sound of Max Mayfield’s laugh. “Just, Christ, don’t touch me.”

“I’m trying to help, idiot,” Steve snarked but he backed off scowling. You watched how he flexed his hand after he let go of your leg, like his skin was burning the same way yours was, like he’d been scalded. “You need to go get that cleaned.”

You hated that the boy was right but you didn’t give him the satisfaction of agreeing out loud. Instead, you wrestled to your feet, grunting as you did so, wiggling your ankle to make sure you hadn’t suffered the same fate as Eddie. It seemed fine, nothing crunched at least, but the sting around your split skin screamed at you. 

Another slide of red rushed from your cut and down your leg as you moved it and beside you, Will groaned, quickly moving into the crowd to find Mike, his head pushed into his friend's shoulder and his hands clutched at his own stomach. 

A chorus of “eww’s” came from the kids and you weren’t fairing much better, your expression pitiful as you watched your white converse turn crimson. You held your leg out awkwardly, hardly balancing on your good one and every time you pushed your foot to the ground, you hissed. 

It stung like a bitch. 

But then Steve was clapping his hands, well into camp mother mode as he demanded the kids attention. To his credit, everyone looked at him, waiting for further instruction. Well, everyone except Max, who’d found a larger, longer stick and was holding it, javelin style. 

“Okay, let’s go,” he announced, his eyes still on you, and you were still surprised to see worry knitted in the space between his brows. “Turn it around gremlins, everyone in front of us and take your time going back down, okay? Stick with your buddy.”

The kids obeyed, muttering between themselves about how much blood was on your leg and would Hopper let them go to the lake now instead? But they trailed back down the path, two by two, and you and Steve waited for the last pair to pass you before he turned, grimacing.

“Put your arm ‘round me.”

You baulked, staring at the boy as if he’d suddenly grown another head. 

“What? No,” you hated that you sounded so nervous, and you wondered if he could tell.

“Christ, woman,” Steve rolled his eyes, offering a hand out to you, the warmth of it hovering close to the small of your back. “Can you swallow your fucking pride for a second and let me help you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you sniffed, but you wobbled on your one good leg and Steve didn’t try to hide his smile.

“Stubbornness, then,” he mused, eyes on you and his hand still hovering over your back as you started down the hill, an uneven step that had you swearing and muttering to yourself. “Spite, maybe?”

“Fuck you, Harrington,” you told him plainly, hardly any heat behind it for once due to all your attention focused on the pain you were in. Your poor sock was ruined.

Steve’s shoulder bumped yours, his body too close, acting like a buffer in case you fell again. You huffed every time you touched, bare arms brushing, hips grazing and his damn hand still an almost touch on your spine. You could feel the warmth radiate from him. 

“Is that dare, princess?” He was smirking. 

You stumbled, swearing profusely as you had no choice but to reach out and grab the boy. Steve was already halfway to you, his arm resting at your waist, his other hand catching yours as it grappled for purchase on something. His fingers curled around yours and you were surprised to realise, that aside from the night before, this was the most you had touched the boy in all the years you had known him. 

It was dizzying. But maybe that was the blood loss. His palm was even warmer where it was pressed against your back, the dip where the band of your shorts sat, fitting into the curve rather nicely. Steve guided you down the trail, taking more of your weight when the ground became rockier, the gravel under your soles making you slip, your side falling into Steve’s.

“We’re not talking about that,” you told him, teeth clenched as your knee bent at a funny angle, a new kind of pain nipping at you. 

“Oh, we’re not?” Steve asked, voice annoyingly light. You could feel his grin without having to look, like you knew the way the air changed when he smiled, everything warm and dizzying around you.

“Nope!” You declared, your tone leaving hardly any room for argument. Luckily for Steve, he always liked a challenge. “In fact,” you crowed, “it didn’t even happen.”

The boy snorted, a soft sound that you felt through your body, half of your back pressed into his chest as you both toed your way down the steepest part of the mountain. He held you to him, careful not to let you drop your weight onto your leg, one hand still curled large around your own, the other holding your waist now.

You swallowed, throat tight.

“It didn’t happen, huh?” Steve asked, voice low in your ear as you approached the back of the kids, Lucas and Suzie’s ears pricking up at the idea of eavesdropping. “That’s what we’re doing?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you repeated again, voice airy, nails digging into the back of Steve’s hand, a warning, another fight blooming in your chest. 

Another snort, a tighter grip at your waist, as if he was trying to remind you of the way he held you last night, calloused fingertips pushing at the cotton of your t-shirt, barely touching the skin underneath. 

You were so much warmer than when you were climbing up the mountain.

This waiting ‘rounds killing me. 

The third week went by in a blur, your incident on the hike leaving you with a nasty cut on your knee that Joyce had to dig gravel and dirt out of, and a sudden overwhelming awareness of where Steve Harrington was at all times. 

Your body lit up like a warning light every time he was near, a new agitation at the sight of his stupid hair and his stupid sunglasses and his stupid, stupid smirk. 

He didn’t try to talk about the kiss again, he wasn’t that idiotic. But the energy between you both was a little different than before. It was still fiery, buzzing with tension and an electrical current that kept you on your toes, but it was different. 

You weren’t sure if you liked it. 

The week led up to the annual game of hide and seek, the entire camp split into two teams, the cabins turned into bases, the inside of the old gym a ghost town. No one was surprised when Murray declared you and Steve team leaders - one seeking, the other hiding - the camp cheering and whistling as you both took your new shirts, both with ‘captain’ printed on the back. 

You’d barely led your team away from the middle of the camp before you heard Steve declare:

“Okay listen up, we need to win.”

You appraised your own squad with the same focused stare that Steve had, your gaze settling over Eddie and Nancy, the gaggle of kids that were all smearing face paint over their friends. War stripes on their cheeks, bandana’s wrapped around their foreheads and Dustin had even gone as far as to don a green ski mask.

You squinted at him, wondering if you should ask where he got such a thing but you decided against it, voice endearing as you said, “Dustin, sweetie, I don’t think you’re going to be able to see very well out of that.”

And before he could argue his case, Eddie pinched the top of it, whipping the fabric from his head, curls spilling out messily. The boy pouted, but he didn’t argue, instead standing still enough to let Lucas smear blue lines over his face.

“You gonna force me into the smallest corner you can find?” Eddie had turned to you whilst Nancy handed out some bottles of water, hushing the trash talk that was starting to get out of hand between Lucas and Suzie. 

You grinned, looking at Eddie with an easy smile, shrugging, “maybe. You’re pretty flexible, right Munson?”

The boy snorted, shoulder nudging into yours, “like a fucking gymnast, sweetheart.”

You fell into a soft conversation with Eddie, a rare occurrence in the craziness of the camp, all gentle laughs and hands pushed to arms, cracked jokes and the promise of a joint after the game was over. And then Steve was there, almost too close, brows knitted together as he watched the way his bunkmate pressed teasing fingers into your ribs, making you squeak.

“Are we flirting or are we playing?” He snapped, shoulder brushing yours. But Steve wasn’t looking at you, his stare heavy and trained on Eddie. “Hey dude, didn’t Joyce tell you you’ve got to stick with Will?”

Eddie could read his friend like a book. He smirked, unable to help himself when Steve was making it so obvious, but he nodded, moving away from you to tussle at Will’s hair. 

“Sure am, Harrington,” the longer-haired boy smiled good naturedly, “little Byers and I are gonna find the best spot, right kid?”

Will nodded enthusiastically, inhaler in hand and Mike at his side. But Steve was still scowling, eyes finally meeting yours before he turned suddenly, marching back to his team as if he couldn’t bear to be around you for any longer. 

And that was fine with you. Totally fine. 

From then, it was chaos, carnage across the camp with kids running riot, wrestling for the best hiding spot as Hopper and Murray watched from the office window, cups of coffee in hand. 

It went the way it always did, with Mike and Will caught first, the latter giving away their hiding spot way too soon because his allergies made him sneeze, the other boy refusing to split from his friend. 

Eddie trailed behind them, lazy and unbothered about being out of the game so early, a cigarette tucked behind his ear, waiting for Murray to stop watching. 

The kids spread around the camp in clusters, hiding in beached kayaks, under the dock, squeezed between the crash mats in the gym. Max was caught out in the open - after being refused sanctuary in Hopper’s office -  scowl on her face, El dragged behind her, grinning as you laughed.

“Hit the benches,” Steve had told them both, watching as they took their consolation s’mores from Joyce and sat with the rest of the captured kids around the fire. 

Steve’s team took out the other kids one by one, screams and laughter heard across the forest, campers crawling out from underneath decking and out of trees, covered in mud and nettle stings, but so, so happy. 

And then there were hardly any players left. 

But Steve bypassed Dustin and Lucas, the two boys snickering underneath an overturned canoe, and he headed to the gym instead. The old building was empty, his footsteps echoing on the linoleum and the lights were off, the sun that was starting to set just barely shining in the high set windows. 

It painted stripes of light and shadows on the floor and the air seemed golden. Steve kicked at the crash mats that were stacked and  

pushed against a wall, his movements playful and throwing dust mites into the air. They caught the light, floating, glittering and Steve saw a pair of shoes sticking out from behind the ball cage and he grinned. 

If you heard him walking over, you didn’t show it, stubbornly standing your ground until Steve rounded the corner, eyes bright on yours. 

“You’re losing your edge, princess, that was far too easy.”

You were scowling at him and you pushed yourself away from the cage, the wheels squeaking as you rounded the other side, eyes on the boy. It was familiar, that feeling, that push and pull, a chase, a challenge, a dare. 

“Don’t kid yourself Harrington, I’ve been waiting here for about an hour now.”

Steve followed, eyes trailing over your bare legs, the swell of your ass in your shorts, freckle on your thigh, the silver scar on your knee from the hike. You noticed, brows raised and you snorted when he shrugged, unapologetic in a way you hadn’t seen before. 

He didn’t care if you caught him staring. Steve Harrington had always been the first to call you annoying, stubborn, a thorn in his side. But he’d never tried to deny that you were good to look at. 

“That’s only ‘cause I was enjoying the peace and quiet,” Steve shot back and you smiled at him, eyes narrowed, overly fake. “But it looks like I win, who would’ve thought?”

But you were still moving, stepping around the pile of mats, the cold material brushing against your shins and the light from the window made you glow, eyes too bright, smile sharp. 

You stared at the boy from across the crash pads, voice sticky sweet when you asked, “don’t you have to tag the other opponent before they’re out?”

Steve stopped, level with you across the hall and he grinned. And fuck, he looked pretty like that, standing in a sunbeam, freckles on his nose, hands on hips and eyes burning on you. 

You weren’t arguing, not quite, not yet. But it still felt fun. 

Steve looked around, eyes conspiring, and he smirked. “There’s no one here to say I didn’t, princess.”

And then you were moving again, circling each other, smiling a different kind of playfulness and you tutted, pushing your hands into the back pockets of your shorts and you smirked when Steve followed the movement of it. 

“Cheating? C’mon now, wonder boy, you’re above that. Daddy’s not here.”

Steve twisted his lips, ran a hand through his already messy hair and made it flop into his eyes and he pretended to think, just for a second or two, as if he didn’t already know what he was gonna throw back at you. 

“Usually,” he told you, voice low, a little rougher than before. “But I think you owe me one, princess.”

You quirked a brow at him, standing still, one knee lifted and pressed to the mats to steady yourself. 

“Is that so?”

There was a fizz in the air that hadn’t been there before. 

“You got to win your little dare ‘cause of me,” he told you and god, something shifted. Maybe the sun dropped, maybe the shadows got darker, maybe the air got heavier. “I saved you from the clutches of Hargrove.”

You scoffed, turning and going back to walking around the mat, hiding the way your cheeks burned.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, remember?”

But Steve just grinned, that wide, bright kinda smile that showed off the dimples you almost forgot he had. He looked boyish like this, handsome in a pretty way, soft and full of sun. Maybe it was because he was looking at you without the lines between his brows, the downturn of his lips. 

“Oh but you do, don’t you, sweetheart?” 

‘Sweetheart’ was starting to sound less like an insult, less like a jab, when Steve said it. His voice was softer, a teasing pitch to it, that sounded so much different than you’d heard and you decided that you didn’t hate it. 

Not at all. 

But the boy was talking about the kiss and he was looking at you like you both shared a secret, despite the very public location it happened in. He was acting as if he liked it, as if he wanted you to admit that you did too. 

You stopped, converse digging into the wall the mats made, eyes wary on the boy because Steve kept walking. He found one side, then the other, only pausing when you were a foot away from him. He mirrored you, hands shoved into his own pockets as he watched you through messy hair. 

“What d’you want me to say, Harrington? Huh?” you smiled, sardonic, lips twisted to the side and gaze careful. You didn’t want to give anything away. “You want me to tell you that I liked it, is that it?”

Steve smirked, enjoying your tone, the teasing, the push of the taunt, the bite to your voice. He knew it so well. 

“You want me to tell you that you’re a good kisser? Does wonder boy need a little ego boost?”

“Oh princess, I don’t need anyone to tell me that.“

Steve’s voice was a drawl. Heavy, warm, sticking to you like the summer heat, all low, hot sun and sweetness. 

You were too warm, a tumble low in your stomach, a flush across your chest. 

“I’m good at a lot of things,” Steve continued,voice far too casual, as if he wasn't making you think about the dirtiest things imaginable. 

“You’re a pig.”

“You love it.”

“You fucking wish, Harrington.”

“Now you’re just flirting with me, princess.”

You weren’t sure when you’d moved closer. Neither was Steve, really. But you were once again in your favourite position with the boy, toe to toe and your chin tilted up defiantly to stare at him. He looked too happy, excited even. 

“I’m not playing your games,” you narrowed your eyes at him, hands on your hips in an arrogant display, trying your best to prove that you weren’t as affected by the boy as you actually were. 

The toes of his shoes brushed yours and you could smell his cologne, the forest on him, campfire smoke and pine, leftover rain and something minty. 

“No?” Steve asked and his eyes were tracing the features of your face, the length of your lashes, the dip of your Cupid’s bow, the curve of your lip. “Not even if I pick dare?“

You swallowed, hard. 

You weren’t sure what this was. Not anymore. Because it didn’t feel like the arguments you usually had, the poking and pushing and pulling at each other until something snapped and the yelling started. In fact, you were sure this was the quietest you’d ever been around Steve Harrington. 

Except for the thundering of your heart. It beat against your ribs, a drumming sound that you wondered if Steve would hear. It made your body vibrate, it made your chest feel fit to burst and you couldn’t help but part your lips under his stare, sucking in a breath that you suddenly so desperately needed. 

Steve did the same, an instinctual response to watching you, his tongue wetting at his bottom lip, his eyes heavy and hooded. You didn’t remember taking another step towards him, but you don’t recall Steve moving either. It was all a slow lean, a curl into each other’s bodies, slower and softer than the first time. 

Your hand was on his chest again, fingers splayed across his shirt rather than fisting it in your palm and god, you still really weren’t sure if it was to encourage him closer or shove him away. 

But then his touch was at your waist and the sun finally dipped below the windows and the hall went dark. The shadows sparkled as you got used to the lack of light, Steve’s face a pretty palette of lilacs and navy, the rosy tint of his lips looking deeper and closer to you than ever. 

The slide of your nose against his, stuttering and a little clumsy, unsure and nervous. Everything in your body was screaming at you. To push him away, to pull him towards you, to chew him out, to devour him. 

Steve fucking Harrington made you want to yell, to fight, to roll your eyes and rant for an hour and a half. Steve fucking Harrington made you want to be slammed against a wall, pushed down onto a bed, lips on your neck and kisses that were all tongue and teeth. 

His breath huffed against your cheek, slow and careful like he was still deciding what to do too. Steve was cherry cola and the heat of an argument, cedar and spice and bad decisions. Steve was a hot touch on your waist, a white hot burn through your shirt and a tight grip that was sending you to another level of frustration. 

Then light flooded the gym, a bright burst of it coming from the main doors as the very last of the low setting sun leaked through as they slammed open.

The noise of them hitting the wall made you both jump, the angry squeak of the hinges bringing both back to the harsh reality of who you were about to kiss. You stumbled and Steve tripped, falling backwards onto the crash mats with a soft “fuck” as you turned to see Nancy and Robin standing in the doorway. 

No one spoke, not for a few seconds and the quiet was painful. 

But then Nancy cleared her throat, a smirk on her face that she covered with her hand and Robin grinned. 

“Um, all the kids have been found,” she told you both, glee in her voice that she couldn’t cover and god, you were burning with a new kind of heat. “We’re doing story time.”

“And uh, one of you needs to take over,” Nancy explained, still smothering a laugh under what she thought was a serious expression. “Billy started talking about demogorgons and made Will cry, so…”

“Again?” Steve muttered from his seat on the mat. “I thought Eddie told him that it was all made up.”

You didn’t dare look down at him, your body still overly aware of his, his shoulder brushing against your thigh as he moved and when he clambered to his feet, you were spurned into motion, your legs carrying you quickly across the gym. 

Your shoes squeaked on the floor and your heart was still racing, leaving you feeling like a hormonal teenager who was out of control and unable to handle some stupid boy being too close. Grabbing Robin’s hand, you mumbled some sort of thanks to Nancy and then made up a lie about feeling sick, and how you needed to go back to your cabin now. 

Looking at your flushed skin and glassy eyes, no one could really argue with that. So you left Steve with the responsibility of the nightly campfire story and ignored Robin’s husky laughter as you pulled her through the trees and the dark until you got back to your shared bunk. 

You flew into the cabin like a bat out of hell, doing everything in your power to get away from the boy as quickly as you could. Robin was close behind you, still cackling before she slammed the door, just as you dumped yourself onto your bed, groaning. 

The other girl braced herself, back against the wood, facial expression scandalised as she stared at you wide eyed and through messy bangs. 

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but it looked like you and Harrington were about to rail each other on those fucking crash mats.”

You spluttered, the sound of protest getting caught in your throat as you tried to sit up, pushing yourself onto your elbows so you could glare at Robin, trying your best to look appalled. 

“What?!” You choked out, and you knew you were beetroot, you could feel the heat in your cheeks, the flush over your chest. “No we weren’t!”

“You know,” Robin mused, head tilted to the side as she looked at you, “your summer could be a lot more fun if you just admitted you don’t hate him as much as you claim to.”

Another noise came from your throat in response, strangled and panicked as you paced the cabin, old floorboards creaking under your feet. 

“I do hate him,” you insisted, turning your back to the girl to fuss over a pile of clothes you’d left on your dresser after laundry day. You wondered if she’d be able to see the lie on your face, if she could hear it in your voice. “Harrington is a pain in my ass, he has been since-”

“Seventh grade, yeah, yeah,” Robin interrupted, her voice bored and impatient, and she waved a dismissive hand at you. “Science fair, vegetables, Steve and mentos and his dad, I know.”

You glared at her, clothes abandoned, clean shorts dropping to the floor, your arms now crossed. You hated that you were pouting. 

“He didn’t look like he was causing you too much grief when you had him up against the gym wall the other week…”

“That was a dare!” 

“And now - in the gym again actually - do you have some sort of kink?”

“Robin…” you were groaning, pleading. 

“Is it a competitive thing? It gets you both going?”

“Nothing happened! We were- we were arguing!”

The other girl smirked, eyebrows raised and her back still pushed against the doorway. “Yeah, but babe, that’s foreplay for you.”

“I hate you,” you lied and there was no heat behind it, in fact, it only made your friend grin wider. 

“As much as Steve?” She asked, voice sweet. “Should I light some candles? Pop a mint?”

“You’re a dick,” your voice was mulish but you couldn’t find it in you to care. 

“You’re in denial,” Robin shot back, still sounding far too happy about the discussion. “Don’t you think all that pent up frustration could be easily solved?”

You rolled your eyes, knowing where this was going. The girl was moving towards you, eyebrows wiggling as she ran her hands over her chest in what you assumed was supposed to be a suggestive manner. 

“Y’know, there’s other things your mouths could do instead of arguing.”

You pretended to gag, face scrunched up at the thought of it and you went back to sorting through your laundry. “You sound like Murray.”

“I knew he was a sensible man,” she told you and you scoffed because you’d watched Murray Bauman light a firework with the end of Billy’s cigarette last summer. 

“But seriously, you’ve got to be attracted to him, right?”

“Murray?” You asked, all faux innocence, “he’s a bit old, no? Hopper, however-”

“You’re disgusting,” Robin snorted, grabbing at the pile of clothes you were hoarding, taking some of her own shirts to fold as she levelled you with a stare. “And you’re not fooling anyone. I’m very much gay - like, with a capital ‘G’ - and even I can say Steve is easy on the eyes.”

“Don’t let him hear you say that,” you tutted, “his head will get bigger.”

“Oh absolutely not.”

You fell into an easy silence then, clothes folded and sorted on your beds and you were surprised when Robin - perpetually messy - even went as far as to make her bed from that morning. 

It gave you too much time to think. About how the boy had been almost nice to you at some points this summer, helping you when you fell, teasing instead of scathing, always too close, always nearby. It made you notice him too much, made you far too aware of him. 

Like how his skin tanned so easily, new freckles every other day, how blue and yellow looked good on him, how when he got too close you noticed he had some green in his eyes. You knew he liked a smoothie for breakfast, he turned softer and quieter when speaking to Will, he encouraged Max to run faster, jump higher, swim deeper, that it was okay to be a little scared sometimes. 

You stopped, a choked breath of complete indignation leaving your lips and dropped the pyjamas you’d been folding and marched to the door. 

“Uh, where are you going?”

“To tell fucking Harrington that I know his game,” you seethed, “and that it’s not fucking working.”

Robin looked startled. “What?!”

You flung the door open and cringed when it hit the wooden wall behind it but you barely paid it any mind. The woods were dark, the sky inky and it smelled like rain was coming. 

“His game!” You urged, and god, you sounded a little manic, didn’t you? “He’s trying to get me to like him. And it’s not happening, he’s not winning!”

“Winning what?” Robin was almost yelling, confusion colouring her tone and she squinted at you. 

“I don’t know!” You told her, mouth agape because Jesus Christ, you really didn’t know, but you’d be damned if you let the boy think he had some kind of one up on you. 

“Babe, curfew is in like, ten minutes.”

 One glance at the clock on the wall told you that Robin was right, but stubbornness won out over sensibility so you made a strangled sound and shrugged, closing the door behind you a little too loudly and you made your way over the carpet of pine needles, heading towards the other cabins. 

—————

Eddie answered when you knocked, wearing an old, Metallica hoodie that was too big, his long curls pulled messily back into a bun and he grinned, arms crossed and leaning against the doorframe. 

“Now, I’m pretty certain you’re not here for me,” he told you, voice all light and full of a humour that you didn’t appreciate, “but there’s absolutely no fucking way you’re here for Harrington.”

You scowled.

“Is he in?”

Eddie cackled, pushing himself away from the door as he called out over his shoulder, looking thoroughly entertained. 

“Hey, big boy, you’ve got a lady caller.”

This was starting to seem like an incredibly bad idea. Your irritation had waned slightly as you’d marched across the dark forest, the fresh air soothing your anger just a touch. But before you could change your mind, Steve appeared at the door, barefoot and shirtless, his hair messy and wearing nothing but a pair of low slung grey sweats. 

For the love of fucking god. 

He had a towel thrown over his shoulder, like he’d planned on taking a shower, but he seemed content to stay and talk to you, his body leaning lazy on the door frame like Eddie had. 

“Princess,” Steve greeted, sounding bemused, “is this a booty call?”

From inside the cabin, Eddie snorted and you both made a point of ignoring him. 

“Absolutely fucking not,” you told him, outraged at the idea of it. But you were warm again, tongue feeling clumsy and too thick in your mouth and you started to wondered when the fuck Steve Harrington made you feel nervous. “And that’s the reason I’m here, actually.”

Steve simply raised his brows, crossing his arms over his chest. He tilted his head, a small smile on his lips. 

“Oh?”

“Mhmm, yeah,” you were stalling, trying to remember why you were actually standing outside with Steve at nine o’clock at night. His arms were entirely too distracting, the muscles there tensing and flexing as he moved. “I know what you're up to, Harrington.”

“You do?” Steve smirked, entirely entertained the way your gaze landed on his shoulders, his bare chest. “What am I up to, exactly?”

“This shit, that you keep pulling,” you told him, gesturing between the two of you. The space there crackled, it popped and buzzed with something unseen and electric, and you swore Steve felt it too. He had to, right? “This flirty, ‘lemme help you walk down the mountain’ crap.”

Steve was staring. And from inside, on his bed, Eddie was cackling again. 

“Would you rather I’d left you to hobble down by yourself?” Steve asked, lips twisted to hide his amusement. Your eyes were flashing with annoyance, and you’d leant against the porch fence for support, back to the wood and hands curled around the ledge. “Let a mountain lion get you?”

“There aren’t any mountain lions in Indiana,” you replied scathingly. 

“A bear then,” Steve shrugged, and Christ, he was grinning again, dimple and all. “Anyway, you think I’m flirting with you, princess?”

You stared, suddenly speechless. 

“I’d have more luck getting Munson into bed with me than managing to have a pleasant conversation with you, sweetheart.”

But then Eddie was yelling from inside the cabin, a pillow hitting Steve’s back as he called out, “ready when you are, honey.”

Steve ignored him, eyes still on you. “If you think that I’m flirting with you, you’re sorely mistaken.”

He oozed too much confidence, sarcasm and charm. 

It pissed you off. 

“Well then stop it!” you growled, pushing yourself off of the porch fence and moving towards Steve. You stared up at him, stubborn, face tilted up to him, eyes defiant. You couldn’t help but push a finger into his bare chest. God, he was warm. “Stop doing-”

“Stop doing what? Huh?” Steve was smiling. Why was he smiling?

You stumbled over your breath, it hitched in your throat and honestly it only caused more anger to bubble in your chest. Was it anger? Annoyance? Frustration?

“Stop - stop, getting all close to me all the time, stop calling me princess and stop doing this thing where you’re clearly trying to distract me.”

Steve raised his brows, looking down at the small space between the two of you. He tilted his head, smirk dripping with amusement and you knew you could argue anymore. You’d moved to him, chests almost brushing, warmth radiating off of him to you, sharing the same air. 

Fuck. 

“Do I distract you?”

The facade dropped. The game, the challenge, the fight - whatever it was - it stopped. Genuine surprise coloured the boy's tone and he uncrossed his arms, leaving his chest open and more space between you both. He was so warm, you could feel it from his skin, like the sun lived in his chest and he swallowed the summer. 

Steve looked shy, all of a sudden. Face flushed, eyes bright and wide and his lips dropped into a pretty ‘o’. Even in the dark, you could make out the pink of his cheeks, the tips of his ears and he was looking at you like an entirely different kind of challenge. A puzzle maybe, a new type of game. 

“What?” you were panicking inside. That white hot flash of embarrassment ran up your spine, blooming over your chest until blood rushed loud in your ears. “What? No, I didn’t say that.”

“You definitely just said that.” There it was, that smile again. 

“I didn’t,” you scoffed, eyes searching anywhere but his. You stared at the door behind him, groaning when Eddie waved from his bed, grin wider than Steve’s. 

“You did,” Eddie added to the conversation, all soft smiles and messy curls. “I heard you.”  

Suddenly you had had enough of boys. 

“Oh for fuck sake.”

You stormed away from Steve with more swears mixing in with the night air, your frustration taken out on the stairs as you stomped back down them, trainers kicking up pine needles and fallen acorns as you made your way back to your own cabin, completely done with Steve fucking Harrington.

PART TWO

-----

Ko-Fi ♡

nonsense... or is it? | charles leclerc social media au

pairing: charles leclerc x fem singer!reader

face claim: sabrina carpenter

based on this request: sooo, anyways,,, i was thinking maybe a smau where Charles is playing the guy who Milo was and this obviously breaks the internet even more and this leads to them dating ??? idk, just like a really wholesome one where she was his celebrity crush and now they're dating bc of them getting know each other more bc of the music video. sorry if this is all over the place but yeah. - @whoreks

MASTERLIST | BUY ME A KO-FI?

yourusername

liked by taylorswift, charles_leclerc and 1,200,441 others

yourusername: holla babes !!! the feather music video is heading your way fast xxx if only my real boyfriends were like my music videos ones ...

view all comments

user1: MOTHER

user2: finally music videos are back baby !!

taylorswift: you can still make the whole place shimmer ✨

yourusername: thanks to you baby

user3: oh to be able to call taylor swift baby

user4: y/n's shade is so underrated - i too wish her boyfriends were as good as her mv ones

user5: she's got such a good eye for casting why can't she do this in her actual love life

user6: okay but he's hot based off a single shoulder i'm excited

user7: you got that from a SHOULDER?

user8: he's TALL?

user9: babe y/n is like 4'2 she makes everyone look tall

user10: say what you want about the catholic church, they got the aesthetic down pat

yourbff1: so we aren't asking the mv boyf out? boring.

yourusername: we have lil things called phones? USE IT HOE

user11: charles leclerc in the likes

user12: so true of him

user13: unless he's... the guy

user14: babe he's way too short lol

user15: have yall seen the sky ad? baby aint acting any time soon

yourusername

liked by yourbff1, charles_leclerc and 1,763,550 others

tagged: charles_leclerc

yourusername: OMG you guys blew the feather music video up !! i'm sure it had nothing to do with this random guy i found off the street? jokes, thank you charles for being the perf mv boyf xx

view all comments

user17: HOLY FUCKING SHIT

user18: celeb crush inception no one touch me

charles_leclerc: thank you for my music video debut, maybe you can return the favour one day?

yourusername: i'll return any favour you want

yourbff1: dial down the desperation babe

charles_leclerc: what if i want her to dial it up please?

yourbff1: do NOT encourage her

yourusername: please encourage me :)

user19: Y/N STAND UP PLEASE

user20: actually y/n is so real have yall seen that man YUM

liked by yourusername

user21: y/n is a genius for fancasting her future bf in her music video

danielricciardo: THIS IS HOW I FIND OUT? SHARL WHEN I CATCH YOU

pierregasly: and me :( i thought our friendship meant more ....

charles_leclerc: it was a secret

yourusername: he doesn't kiss and tell xoxo

alexalbon: WHAT ??????

charles_leclerc: okay we can stop joking now

yourusername: fine...

user22: the way charles was defo typing that through tears

user23: y/n make the move we believe in you

user24: believe in her? she can get anyone she wants he's gotta STEP UP

charles_leclerc

liked by landonorris, yourusername and 2,099,441 others

tagged: yourusername

charles_leclerc: had a blast filming for my first ever music video, thank you y/n !!

view all comments

user25: i'm feeling a new unhealthy attachment forming

yourusername: feel free to come back any time soon

charles_leclerc: or maybe you can come to me?

yourusername: is this my paddock debut?

charles_leclerc: make sure you're wearing red and it sure can be

yourusername: let me check the wardrobe

user26: i will pass away if we get y/n at a race... in the ferrari garage ???

pierregasly: let it be known i am still angry that you didn't tell me, especially after all the weird rants i've listened to

alexalbon: me too

georgerussell63: me too

landonorris: me too

danielricciardo: me too

carlossainz55: me too

maxverstappen1: me too

charles_leclerc: why is max here?

maxverstappen1: that's what you're taking from this?

charles_leclerc: yeah why are you in my business

maxverstappen1: you make it my business you talk about her all the time

yourusername: oh really ???

charles_leclerc: HE'S A BIG FAT LIAR HE'S ALWAYS BEEN A BIG FAT LIAR ALL HIS LIFE INCLUDING WHEN I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY PUSHED HIM IN A PUDDLE

maxverstappen1: YOU DID PUSH ME IN THAT PUDDLE

yourusername: what is going on here?

user27: poor y/n being thrown into the grid drama

user28: poor charles with the grid trying to expose him

yourusername

liked by maxverstappen1, charles_leclerc and 1,334,661 others

yourusername: clearly was feeling myself this week

view all comments

user31: lol why is max here

maxverstappen1: doing my due diligence as an investigative journalist

charles_leclerc: choke.

user32: is that charles? are we in the soft launch?

user33: let's not get ahead of ourselves, we know charles doesn't dress that well

user34: consider this: girlfriend effect

user35: girlfriend effect is gonna have to do some heavy lifting when it comes to charles' wardrobe

yourbff1: you think you're so slick don't you

yourusername: maybe. maybe not?

yourbff1: you're so annoying

yourusername: annoyingly cute?

liked by charles_leclerc

yourbff1: keep your nose out of women's business leclerc

charles_leclerc: SLANDER

user36: i mean they seem to have the same sense of humour

user37: not to sound insane but they are perfect for each other and i will be passing away if they are not together

pierregasly: interesting

danielricciardo: add it to the folder

charles_leclerc: folder ???

maxverstappen1: leave us journalists be

charles_leclerc: can you even read?

yourusername: GET HER JADE

maxverstappen1: add that as well

charles_leclerc: why can't we win?

user38: what is going on in the house of commons

charles_leclerc

liked by pierregasly, yourusername and 2,331,663 others

tagged: yourusername

charles_leclerc: i don't believe in soft launches

view all comments

user39: we been knew... but OMG PARENTS

user40: i am crying they're so hot

yourusername: hawt bf obtained

charles_leclerc: sexy gf in my inventory

yourusername: you're such a cute patootie

charles_leclerc: i cannot speak my mind or instagram will censor me

yourusername: ...oop hurry up and come back :(

charles_leclerc: about to break all US speeding laws xoxo

yourusername: not you in your charli xcx era

user41: he's with her ... in the US ... could we get y/n paddock debut in vegas ???

user42: would only be right i fear

user43: the scheduling just about makes sense before she has to go back to opening for taylor in south america

user44: now why did vegas not get in their bag and get y/n to perform at the opening ceremony?

pierregasly: way to ruin the investigation

danielricciardo: yeah we were in our sherlock holmes era

maxverstappen1: have to spoil everything don't you charles 🤨

charles_leclerc: i thought you guys wanted to know who my girlfriend is?

alexalbon: yes, but we wanted to expose it :(

yourusername: CORNY

pierregasly: oh no. he has someone on his side now

yourusername: damn right frenchie. i can hear your asshole twitching from here

pierregasly: WHAT ???

charles_leclerc: idk what that means but YEAH PIERRE TAKE THAT

charles_leclerc

liked by carlossainz55, yourusername and 2,114,762 others

tagged: yourusername

charles_leclerc: gutted not to be on the top step but an overall great weekend in vegas. glad to have y/n by my side this weekend before she's off again to slay the stage xx

view all comments

user48: charles unironically using the word slay, the girlfriend effect knows no bounds

user49: the sky camera zooming in on y/n watching the podium

user50: i think we watched her fall in love in real time

user51: i mean look at the material... podium charles hits so different i think I FELL IN LOVE

yourusername: you're a winner to me babe

charles_leclerc: and that's all that matters

yourusername: NOPE STAY HUNGRY GET THEM POINTS AND DESTROY THE REST OF THE FIELD

charles_leclerc: okay :)

yourusername: good boy

pierregasly: never say that in public again

maxverstappen1: is this why he's blushing so much in the press conference?

charles_leclerc: NO. NO REASON

yourusername: you sure?

charles_leclerc: i am the unluckiest driver ever and am screwed over at every turn sue me if i like a lil praise

user52: charles is so real for that i also want y/n to tell me i'm doing a good job

alexalbon: enough time has passed. @yourusername can lily get some extra tickets for the eras tour

yourusername: of course. anything for my new bestie

lilymunhe: thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuu. charles you have amazing taste

charles_leclerc: i know :)

yourusername: i mean i got you, so who's the real winner here?

yourusername

liked by taylorswift, charles_leclerc and 1,667,982 others

tagged: charles_leclerc & taylorswift

yourusername: my leg of the eras tour has come to an end :( this was such an insane opportunity, thank you so much taylor xx but this also means i can go annoy charlie until he has to go back to work !!

one last nonsense outro:

i met this lovely boy named charlie,

he races round the world for ferrari,

giving it to me everyday like ari

view all comments

user53: i think y/n might actually be winning in life

user54: is she referencing everyday by ariana grande which is literally just a song about having constant sex?

yourusername: yes and what about it? f1 drivers have great stamina

arthurleclerc: DELETE ASAP

yourusername: no can do baby leclerc

user55: fave outro for real

charles_leclerc: i am blushing !!

pierregasly: she just told millions of people all you do is fuck and now you're blushing ???

yourusername: i don't think mr doggy emoji is talking right now

charles_leclerc: at least y/n did it in an artful way

pierregasly: believe me i know YOU WON'T STOP SINGING IT DOWN THE PHONE YOU MENACE

yourusername: you sing my songs :) ?

carlossainz55: ALL THE TIME

yourusername: i don't like your tone mr 🤨

charles_leclerc: i am just showing my love :(

yourusername: @pierregasly @carlossainz55 you made him sad APOLOGIZE IMMEDIATELY

pierregasly: sorry?

carlossainz55: sorry i guess?

charles_leclerc: thank you :) i shall continue to sing to my heart's content

yourusername: good.

taylorswift: you were amazing !! i'll see you soon my love xx

yourusername: i'm hearing double date ??

taylorswift: i'm sure that can be arranged

charles_leclerc: OMG

user56: charles and travis are really the top tier himbo bfs and i love them for that

fin.

note: i really loved writing this so i hope this was everything you imagined and more!! i'm just getting into sabrina's music but i was a girl meets world stan so... i hope i did the nonsense outro justice xxx

MY CHARLES DID IT!! HE WON THE MONACO GP😭❤️🇲🇨

Spaces Between Us

*Gif not mine credits to the owner*

• Pairing: Jay Halstead x Female!Reader.

• Requested: yes by anon.

• Summary: you and Jay break up and it’s the hardest thing you’ve even been through. Is it forever over or will you be able to overcome the difficulties?

• Warnings: LOTS of angst and cursing, use of alcohol, slight mention of blood and dead body (it’s not important for the plot but still), I don’t know if there’s anything else please let me know if I missed any <3

• Word count: 19k. Yeah… I know.

• A/N: I’VE NEVER BEEN SO STRESSED OUT FOR A FIC I SWEAR IT’S LIKE IT HAD TO PAY MY BILLS SO PLS BLOW THIS UP. I’m kidding (no I’m not ) but jokes aside, I hope you’ll like this fic even if still shitting bricks at the thought you’ll gonna hate it 😭 so please let me know what do you think and give me any advice if you want. I’m sorry for any mistakes and just so you know this fic dramatic as fuck lol. I love you all and thank you so much I know nobody is gonna read this, like I haven’t already written enough okay bye ❤️

Anyone who tells you that getting together with your best friend is simple because you know each other very well, don't trust them, it's complete bullshit.

And you had unfortunately learned this the hard way.

You really thought your relationship with Jay would be amazing to say the least, the first few months being pure heaven. You were very happy, you sprayed joy from every pore and anyone who met you could notice the toothy smile you continually had on your face.

You thought you knew Jay perfectly and that he knew you perfectly. After all you had been friends for so many years before getting together which is why you believed you knew everything about him, strengths and weaknesses, and he knew the same about you.

Unfortunately, however, this wasn’t true at all and you soon realized reality was very different from what you thought, being in a relationship with someone was totally different from being their friend. When you’re in a relationship you see that person differently, that person becomes the center of your thoughts, and everything they say and do have a weight on you whether you like it or not, you start to analyze everything with different eyes, you pay more attention to details, and you don't miss things that you wouldn't notice with a friend.

And that was exactly what happened with Jay.

You and him had been together for about six months when you started to notice something that among other things slowly took a big toll on you.

Given the nature of your jobs – him being a detective and you being a firefighter – there were times where you weren't able to spend much time together. He never let a minute pass without sending you a sweet text telling you how much he missed you and how much he wanted to be with you, but when it was time to see each other he sometimes preferred to go to Molly's with his friends.

Of course there was nothing wrong with that and you yourself told him to go, but when you started to notice this happened very frequently, taking time away from the two of you, you started to show him your discomfort.

You never wanted to create arguments, you just tried to communicate with him and express something that was starting to weigh on you but he didn't take it that way and a big argument were created from this. You knew Jay, you knew he was the type of person to keep everything inside, to not express his feelings right away, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt you. He accused you of alienating yourself from him, telling you he’d invite you to go with him when he went to Molly's and you were just being dramatic.

You tried to let it go for the sake of the relationship, trying to swallow the lump and think he wasn't doing it on purpose.

But from this episode everything started to go downhill.

When you were with him at the bar, or somewhere else, with his colleagues or friends you couldn't help but notice the way he and his colleague, Hailey, were particularly close. You tried not to let your mind wander, not to listen to your paranoid thoughts but when all you did was see the way they laughed and joked you couldn't keep the jealousy that gripped your stomach at bay.

You had known her since she joined Intelligence. You always knew they were good friends but since you got with Jay you couldn't help but wonder if their relationship had always been like this or if you saw it differently now just because you were in a relationship with him.

As with everything else, you started asking him questions about her and things like that and he didn't think much of it at first but when he started noticing the insistent way Hailey had become involved in your conversations, it started to bother him.

He had tried to reassure you, to tell you there was nothing going on with her but it wasn't enough, since he said the same thing to you too and yet you ended up together. But other than simple phrases and some sweet words thrown into the wind, he didn't seem to do anything to convince you otherwise.

You had never been the jealous type of person, you both had your own circle of friends, but the way Hailey always seemed to be up his ass, bothered you more than you’d never admit.

One evening, after work, you joined Jay at Molly's where you knew he had met with his colleagues and other friends. A strange sensation gripped your stomach as you tried to convince yourself it was only tiredness but inside you knew what the real reason for that anxiety was.

You hoped until the last minute to not see her there, you knew it was wrong, but you didn't want to be in her presence and you didn't want Jay to be either. But when you entered the bar and from afar you saw him and her sitting at the same table, that hope was destroyed in a second.

Jay looked up from her and immediately saw you walk in and a huge smile spread across his face as he waved his hand towards you. You approached the table, greeting everyone with a smile anyone from a mile away could tell was very fake.

“Hi baby, you're finally here.”

Jay stood up and hugged you tightly to his body. You returned that hug, your heart pounding in your chest even though you couldn't just let yourself go completely.

He let go of you and to your surprise pressed his lips to yours in a sweet, chaste kiss, eliciting a series of small squeals and whistles from the table. You giggled and, cheeks burning, went to sit next to Jay on the chair he had kept free for you.

A small smile – this time sincere – appeared on your lips. Jay wasn't the type of person who made sensational or dramatic gestures, he was a rather private person but when it came to you he didn't care about these things, he was very physical and always needed to have you close, to have a hand on you and feel your warmth in a way or another.

But, let's just face it, you loved that gesture mostly because he did it in front of Hailey and the territorial, irrational part of you was doing backflips.

God I don't recognize myself anymore.

“How was work? Wait, first tell me what you want to drink so I can order it for you,” Jay said immediately, an arm around your waist as he looked at you with a sweet smile on his lips. He didn't let you answer though. “You're so beautiful baby, you know that?”.

You giggled like a schoolgirl – being careful to let everyone hear you – and delicately smacking his chest before awkwardly resting your head on his shoulder, trying to hide the bright blush on your cheeks.

He laughed back and left a kiss on your forehead and that was enough to calm you down, to convince yourself he loved you, that he only wanted you, or else he wouldn't have acted so affectionately in front of her.

“What are you drinking?” You asked, feeling his arm move up from your side around your shoulders.

At that same moment a sudden flash blinded both of you for a second and as you looked up you noticed Adam taking photos of you and Jay with his cell phone with a huge grin plastered on his face.

“Ruzek what the fuck!” Jay exclaimed even though he was actually laughing. He paused and then continued, “Make sure to send us those pics man.”

You burst out laughing and at that same moment, while everyone was joking around and making fun of you and Jay, but you couldn't help but glance at Hailey and notice the way her face was twisted into a serious expression while pretending to play along.

You tried not to think much of it, but it disturbed you, because it was just further evidence she had an interest in Jay that went beyond work.

“So tell me about your day baby,” Jay brought his attention back to you when the others finally decided to give both you and him some spite.

“It went well, we only had one intervention. A man stuck in a car after a car accident,” you sipped some of his beer, earning a fake look of disappointment from him, “Really bad story, but everything went well, he survived and they managed to get him to Med's in time.”

“Just because you were there, love.”

“Kiss-ass,” You rolled your eyes, giggling. “How about you? Something interesting happened?”.

What you didn't expect was for Hailey to answer for him, as if she was listening to your conversation the whole time and was just waiting for the moment to intervene. “Oh my god today was hectic. We busted a drug trade. You should’ve seen it Y/n! Jay faced I don't know how many traffickers alone! Come on Jay, tell her!”.

You tried to keep your expression as neutral as possible as you directed your gaze towards her, noticing the way she suddenly perked up and how she looked at your boyfriend.

Did she seriously intruded while you were only talking to him?

Jay on the other hand didn't notice this attitude and laughed with Hailey as they started joking about what had happened that day. They made jokes, laughed as if it was just the two of them and the way his attention had completely shifted towards her caused you quite a bit of annoyance.

You remained silent as you pretended to listen to what they were saying, trying to bite your tongue and not say anything about the fact she was practically hanging on his lips and licking his ass as she praised him.

This was enough to knock your mood into the ground and throw you back into the spiral of paranoid thoughts you managed to keep at bay for a moment.

You hated the way he joked with her, the way they laughed together. Fuck it, he didn't have to feed her illusion and you couldn't even accept how he couldn't see she was blatantly flirting with him.

Your hands were shaking with anger but you wanted to act like a mature person, you wanted to try to stay calm and not let your emotions get the better of you.

“I think I’ll leave now. Jay, can you give me a ride home please? I didn’t came here with my car”.

What? Did I hear that correctly?

You almost had a heart attack, anger now flowing through your veins.

How could she be so bold? Did she forget you were there too?

“Sure, no problem,” was Jay's response and you almost smashed his head on the table. You looked at him in dismay, now unable to keep calm and act like a mature person.

“Jay do I have to remind you I'm here? You’re really going?” you spoke as he was getting up. He looked at you with an apologetic smile, completely unaware of the fact you were furious. You didn't care if they heard you, you didn't care about making a scene.

“But I'm not leaving baby, I'll just take her home and come right back here.” He pressed a kiss to your lips before leaving the bar with her.

You were so angry you couldn't say anything except watch them from afar.

You couldn't believe it.

This was fucking unbelievable.

You looked from the now closed door to Adam, who was sitting in front of you looking at you with frowning eyes and a surprised and confused expression.

“Wow…” you managed to let out, the humiliation forcing you to run your hands over your face for a moment, elbows resting on the table.

“Hey it's okay, calm down,” he tried to reassure you.

“Adam am I seeing things? Is this just my imagination?” You looked at him, still stunned.

He didn't respond but shook his head slightly, effectively answering your question. “But not from his side,” he pointed out “He only has eyes for you Y/n, believe me, but I can't deny this shit isn’t ridiculous.”

“I'm going home.” You blurted out, standing up and not listening to Adam, and then Kim, who tried to calm you down and convince you to stay.

But you couldn't think straight, not at that moment.

Your boyfriend had left you at a bar to give a ride to the female colleague who was actually crazy about him in a way everyone had noticed except for him, without even trying to ask if you wanted to go too or if it was okay with you.

You were so angry, so furious as you had been a few other times in your life, wanting nothing more than to smash something. You hated her, you hated him, you hated yourself for feeling that way.

You hated everything.

When Jay returned to Molly's after about twenty minutes, confusion appeared on his face as he immediately noticed you were no longer sitting at the table as he expected. He approached his friends, not ignoring the dirty looks they gave him.

“Where is Y/n?”.

Kim glared at him, making no effort to show the irritation towards him. “She's gone.”

“What? Why?”.

“Why? Are you fucking serious Jay?” Adam intervened, causing an even more confused expression to appear on his friend's face. His heart was pounding as he thought of every scenario, thinking you hadn't been feeling well.

“What's going on guys?”.

“You're so damn stupid,” Kevin scolded him, sharing the thoughts of his friends. “That was fucked up man.”

“What part of your brain convinced you that taking another woman – who casually has a crush on you – to her house and leaving your girlfriend here was a good idea? Do you understand how absurd this is? She was more mature than me, I would’ve kicked you in your balls,” Kim continued.

Fucking hell.

He realized he screwed everything up really, really badly this time. Without responding to those words, he immediately ran out of the bar, intending to rush to your house.

That night he tried to apologize and make up for it but you didn't want to talk about it and closed the door in his face when he showed up at your house. You didn't care if you seemed exaggerated, or even crazy, you didn't want to give in and you weren't going to let him disrespect you like that.

You completely ignored him for two days, not responding to any of his calls or texts, still too angry to seek a mature confrontation. When you thought you had calmed down, the memory of Jay leaving the bar with Hailey was enough to make you go back to being even more furious than before.

You understood the problem you had was much deeper than you would’ve ever wanted to admit and what hurt you most was not being understood by him.

You spoke with an open heart, you shouted at him and he understood the mistake he had made, promising you he’d try to fix it and stay away from these situations.

This wasn't the case though, in fact this was just one of numerous arguments you and Jay had over the topic of ‘Hailey’. You didn't feel reassured and his attitude did nothing but fuel your unease, making you feel even crazier than you thought.

On the other hand, you understood he too must have gotten tired of arguing about the same things so this contributed to making your relationship with him deteriorate considerably, the lack of trust he perceived made everything even worse.

The breaking point, however, came one morning and from there nothing was the same as before.

That morning you woke up to Jay's cell phone ringing. You had spent the night before together as he stayed over.

“Jay…” you murmured in your sleep, covering your ears to stop hearing that damn ringing. “Who the hell calls this early?”.

Jay removed the arm wrapped around your hip and let out a groan before propping himself up on his elbow and picking up his cell phone, answering the call without even checking who it was. “Halstead”.

You couldn't hear who it was but you turned to him, now giving him your full attention, wide awake.

“Oh yeah I forgot…” he said, rubbing a hand over his face before taking the cell phone away from his ear for a moment and checking the time “Yeah… I know it’s late. I’ll be there in half an hour. Okay. See you later.”

He ended the call before placing his phone on the nightstand and sighing.

“Who was it?” You asked as he stood up.

“I forgot I have breakfast with Hailey…”

Just hearing that name was enough to make your blood boil.

What the fuck?

You couldn't stand her anymore, why was she always around? Why did she always have to interfere? And why the fuck did Jay always have to run to her?

“Jay are you fucking serious?” You exploded, hair standing on end in anger as you jumped up from the bed.

He picked up his pants from the floor, starting to put them on and button them. “I know baby, but I completely forgot it but it's for work I swear or…”

“Work? What kind of ‘work’ is necessary for you to go have breakfast with her? You really think I'm that stupid Jay?!”

“Of course not! What the hell are you even talking about Y/n? I wouldn't even have told you if I had something to hide!”.

“Do you realize what you're doing? Do you realize how you always run to her every time she calls you?! You were in bed with me just five seconds ago and now you're going to her!”.

“I just told you it's for work! We have to go on an undercover mission and we just need to discuss the details Y/n stop implying things that don’t even exist!”.

You ran your hands over your face, frustrated and angry as ever as you watched him put on the shirt.

“Work doesn't tell you to always be up her ass Jay!”.

He looked at you like you had just grown a second head after hearing one of the craziest things in his life. “What the fuck are you even saying? Do you hear yourself when you talk? You realize how ridiculous that sounds? I don’t care about her why are you saying this?!”.

“And of course I'm ridiculous now, great! My boyfriend gets out of bed to go have breakfast with someone else he knew I fucking despise and I'm ridiculous! I'm fucking tired of this relationship and I'm fucking tired of always having her around Jay what the fuck can’t you understand that?!”.

Your words hit him like a tsunami.

I’m tired of this relationship.

Jay felt a sinking sensation in his chest, as if all the air had suddenly been sucked from his lungs. He was silent for a moment, his jaw clenched as he tried not to let the pain caused by those few simple word overwhelm him.

“You’re tired Y/n? You’re fucking tired?!” He almost shouted. “How the fuck do you think I feel when all we talk about is Hailey? You don't talk about anything else! You don't realize how obsessed you have become!”.

“Don't you dare blame me!” You yelled furiously through clenched teeth, pointing a finger at him as you continued to look at each other as if you were both ready to jump on your necks. Your eyes glare at the other, sending lightning and bolts full of anger and resentment. “We wouldn't be in this fucking situation if you had shown me some respect, if you had set boundaries with her! You seem to care more about her than me! Jesus, you know how all this shit makes me feel, you know how much all of this hurts me but you don't seem to give a fuck!”.

“That’s absolutely unbelievable, I can’t even believe how you’re doubting my feeling for you, how can you say something like that? I only have eyes for you Y/n! The whole world knows it, everyone sees it except you! You’re just choosing to let your weird obsession take over everything else.”

“Maybe you’re just shit at proving it because trust me leaving your fucking girlfriend to go have breakfast with another woman doesn’t seem a great way to show her your love!”

“Are you fucking serious right now?”. He clenched his hands into fists to try to maintain the tiny bit of calm he had left, pressing his nails hard against the skin of his palms to vent his anger.

“Yes Jay, I'm fucking serious!”.

“What the fuck are you doing with me then if that's what you think?! Since apparently I can't give you anything and you’re so fucking ungrateful you can't see the good things I do for you!”.

“What the fuck are you doing Jay huh?! Tell me! Is going to Hailey as soon as she calls you a good thing you do for me? Is this how you do it? Flash news my dear, that's not how this fucking works!”.

“I'm not fucking doing anything that’s the damn point! How the hell am I supposed to tell you she's just a colleague and I don't give a shit about her or anyone else but you! Why the fuck do you have so little faith in me!”.

“Because I don't trust you Jay! You really think an ‘I love you’ thrown in every now and then and a bouquet of flowers will fix everything? No it doesn't work like that, you don't solve the problems by just showing a fake reassurance that only lasts a couple of days!”.

“I will have to model myself for her majesty then, to be at her complete pleasure since…-”

You interrupted him. “For fucks sake Jay stop playing the victim! You don't get to do it, you have no right! You're the one going somewhere else what the fuck do you expect from me? Waiting for you with open arms? I'm not ungrateful, maybe you're just a shitty ass boyfriend who can't show me that he cares about me!” You screamed, throwing out everything you had kept inside for a long, long time, regardless of the destroyed and furious expression with which he was looking at you. “You show no respect for me, for my feelings, you don't give a fuck about what I tell you and that’s not even the first time I’m telling you this! It's not the first time I've told you how much this situation hurts me!”.

“Didn't it cross your mind, Y/n, that maybe you're the fucking problem here? That you're so fucking obsessed with that bitch you can't see anything else? That you're just a fucking child and all you can do is whine and whine and whine! You're making my life a living hell with your luck of trust! Every fucking day is a fight about something! You're always so needy, nothing is ever okay with you! Everything I do is wrong!”.

You took a step back at the sound of those words, as if to create a distance between you two. A pain radiated through your chest as your eyes stung while you continued to look at him. You fought with all your being not to let it go, you refused to cry in front of him.

You had come to the realization that maybe you weren't meant to be together, that taking your friendship to the next step was a mistake, you shouldn't have let your feelings get in the way and in that moment you realized that nothing between you would ever be the same.

You looked at each other, furious, both hurt by the words you had said. You looked at each other as if you didn't know each other, as if you were each other's worst enemy and this broke your heart.

“Get the fuck out of my house.” You ordered in a low, trembling tone, a stark contrast to the screams that had been filling the room just moments before. “It's over.”

Did he hear that right?

It’s over.

He was shocked. Getting hit by a bullet would’ve hurt less. He never once thought in his life that hearing you say those words would hurt so damn much, he actually never thought he’d hear those words at all. He swallowed the lump in his throat, suddenly feeling it close and his breath catch, his eyes filling with tears.

“Get out!” You screamed again, your voice cracking from crying. You turned to the window, hands on your face as you waited for him to leave.

You didn't want to see him anymore.

You didn't want him there anymore.

You jumped when you heard the front door slam shut, making a deafening noise. At that precise moment you felt as if all your strength had abandoned your limbs and you fell to the ground, bringing your legs to your chest and crying like you had never done before.

You tried to think through everything that had happened.

You and Jay broke up.

You couldn't believe it, although you knew that moment would come sooner or later.

You had just broke up with the love of your life and felt like the world was collapsing on you. You never wanted it to come to this, damn it, that man was the most beautiful person you'd ever met, you imagined your whole life with him, how could it all be over? How did you end up like this?

Why couldn’t he understand you? Why didn't he try to do it? Why couldn't he see how much you were hurting and how much it hurt to not see any reassurance from him? After all this was what you wanted, just a little reassurance.

You hated him and you hated yourself because despite everything you would’ve taken a bullet rather than see him suffer but you had reached breaking point, you couldn't continue like that.

You loved him so damn much and hated him with same intensity.

You cried all the tears you had in your body, until it was physically impossible for you to expel any more and you remained in that position, sitting on the ground for a time you couldn't quantify.

However, you knew that unfortunately you couldn't stay there forever and that, despite your broken heart, you had a job to do.

As soon as you set foot in the fire station all your colleagues immediately noticed something was wrong. Your eyes were puffy, visible from a mile away even though you were staring at the ground, your posture tense.

You went to your locker and put down the bag with your things inside it, trying with all your being not to cry again. You were at work, you had to be efficient and personal problems had to be left out.

“Y/n, honey, are you okay?” Stella's voice caught your attention but you didn't look at her, you couldn't do it or you would’ve collapsed. You were holding on to the only bit of strength you had to keep from bursting into tears.

“I’m fine.“

“It doesn't seem like it…”

“I'm fine dammit!” You exclaimed loudly, slamming your locker shut and making her jump in fright. You looked at her and a wave of guilt washed over you. “I'm sorry Stel-…” your voice broke as you burst into tears, covering your face with your hands so she wouldn't look at you.

She immediately hugged you and you cried in her arms as she held you and reassured you with all the warmth and affection she had. “Oh darling it's okay, you're not alone, everything will be okay.” She caressed your back and then your hair, while you let yourself go for the second time in less than an hour into one of the most desperate cry of your existence.

Your heart felt torn, completely shattered, as if they had taken it from your chest with their bare hands and dug their nails into it.

“It's okay, I'm here with you, cry as long as you want.”

You had an abyss inside, a storm that was overwhelming you painfully like you never thought it was possible. You didn't believe it was possible to feel such pain, you didn't believe you could even think of suffocating.

And if you were desperate, Jay had reacted in a totally different way.

He was furious.

So angry.

He had never felt something like this, he thought he might explode with anger.

He was angry at you, at himself, at the whole entire world.

It was as if something had flipped a switch inside him, because he could no longer think clearly. After leaving your apartment he didn't know how he managed to get back to his house without getting into an accident, all the way his body was driving but his soul seemed lost, his mind elsewhere.

He slammed the door so hard the noise reverberated throughout the house.

What the fuck had happened? How the fuck did you get to that point? How did you two manage to go from sleeping together the previous night to breaking up the next morning?

It's over.

Your words continued to echo in his brain, repeating over and over again as if he was listening to a broken record.

How could you have done that? How could you have left him?

He was so fucking furious.

“Fuck!” He screamed at the top of his lungs, not even caring if the neighbors could hear him. He would’ve punched anyone who dared to approach him at that moment.

He didn't know how or when it had happened but in the grip of blind fury he found himself breaking any object he came across, throwing vases against the wall, chairs, glasses, anything. The deafening silence in that apartment was broken only by the sound of his heavy and uncontrolled breathing mixed with the crashing of objects against the walls.

This wasn't enough though, he wasn't even able to partially calm the anger he felt.

“Fuck everything! Fuck you!” He screamed again as if you were in front of him.

It's over.

Why?

Jay couldn't give himself an answer. He knew things weren't going well for a while but he’d never, ever, ever imagine leaving you. He wanted to face everything with you, any kind of obstacle, because he wanted it to work, because since he had met you and even when you were just friends he hadn’t doubted for a second you weren’t the woman of his life.

He had said horrible things. Things he didn't even think.

You hadn't ruined his existence, on the contrary, his life would probably have ended in the abyss if he had never met you.

He was shocked.

He didn't want to believe it, he just couldn’t.

He was sure everything would be resolved, your love couldn't just end that way. He hadn't spent years pining for you only to lose you like that, just because of a misunderstanding.

His cell phone rang but he didn't pay attention to it as his shining eyes looked at his half-destroyed apartment.

He had to get out of there, he needed to distract himself as he couldn't stay in that damn room where everything reminded him of you, where everything screamed your name. Hell, if he closed his eyes he could hear your laughter filling his apartment as he chased you one night after you stole the bag of chips he was happily eating.

By the time he arrived at the district the intense anger had somehow subsided even though he was in no condition to do anything as his mind was completely elsewhere.

He had to suppress the urge to roll his eyes when he saw Hailey sitting on his desk. It was her fault and he was hating her for it.

Inside he actually knew this wasn’t true, it was only his fault for not being able to do things differently and yours for not trusting him enough but he wasn’t thinking clearly.

“Halstead where the hell have you been?! I waited for you for more than half an hour!”.

Just hearing her voice was enough to make him go back to the anger he had so difficultly tried to suppress. He didn't have the strength or desire to put up with anyone, especially not at that moment when everything in his life seemed to be falling apart.

“Hailey don't start this bullshit okay? God I can't stand you anymore just leave me the fuck alone! And find yourself another fucking partner from now on I’ve had enough of this shit!”.

Jay's loud voice made Voight leave his office but he didn't care just as he didn't care about the shocked expression with which she looked at him, not expecting that outburst in the slightest.

“What is going on here?” Voight's gravely voice echoed through the unit.

Jay gave him a look and without another word he left, ignoring his boss' voice calling out for him. He was walking down the stairs when he bumped into Kevin.

“Hey man dammit! Woah, are you okay?” Kevin asked, stopping in his steps and getting worried when he noticed the frantic way Jay was walking. He didn't answer him, ignoring Kevin completely as he continued towards the exit of the district.

He couldn't do this, he couldn't deal with this.

He couldn't function if you weren't there.

How was he supposed to do it?

-

The two months following the breakup were one of the hardest Jay had to face. Since you had met years ago that was the first time you hadn't spoken and to say he felt like shit was an understatement.

Some would’ve thought the reaction was exaggerated since you’ve been together for just few months, but Jay had loved you long before he even confessed his feelings for you. You had entered his life like a hurricane and now that you left he felt empty.

Empty.

Lost.

That's how he felt.

And not even these words could remotely describe how he actually felt. He was so used to having you in his life, to sharing everything with you, than even after two months he could resign himself to your breakup.

The anger had subsided but it was still there, no longer towards you – or rather only in a small part – but above all towards himself.

He was angry with you because he couldn't accept how you had given up so quickly at the first big obstacle. But then again, who was he kidding, you had every reason to do it and this was the reason why he, on the other hand, was furious with himself.

After the initial shock, as time passed, Jay had reflected on everything that had happened and what had led to the breakup and, also after speaking with his friends and brother, he realized how many mistakes he had done and how right you were saying he had been a shitty boyfriend.

He had disrespected you by not considering your feelings, he had neglected them thinking every problem would just go away on its own.

He had accused you of being irrational, oppressive and he had never realized how harmful these things were, not trying to really reflect on why were acting like that.

But it was too late.

You only realize you had something important only when you lose it, this was so true.

He mistakenly hadn't given enough importance to your feelings, your thoughts, your fears. He hadn't reassured you enough when you expressed your fears, he hadn't done what was necessary to make you go to sleep peacefully at night and he would’ve cursed himself forever for this.

He was hurting but he knew it was nothing compared to what you had been through with his carelessness and superficiality for so long, so he deserved to suffer. It's true, he deserved it – he thought – but every morning he woke up and wondered when it would end, when that emptiness would go way, when that constant sensation of his lungs being compressed and not being able to breathe would stop.

Talking to Adam one time, he pointed out Jay was wrong for not to setting boundaries with Hailey even though their relationship had always been like this even when you and him were still friends.

“We all noticed how Hailey was looking for every opportunity to get close to you man so I'm sorry to say but everything that happened was your fault. You’re like a brother to me you know this, but Y/n has every reason to be furious with you, you should’ve set some boundaries and shouldn't have never let her think another person comes before her. I don't blame her for breaking up with you.”

These words made Jay open his eyes, although ever since that day when he made that outburst against Hailey in the unit he had relaxed their partnership to the bare minimum after asking Voight to change partner. He no longer spoke to her except for work, he no longer went out when she was around, he didn't answer any calls or messages and god only knew how much he wanted to call you to tell you that but he also knew it was too late to fix it since he should’ve done this much sooner.

He thought about how he would’ve felt if the roles had been reversed and he didn't have to think twice about the fact that he would’ve reacted even worse than you did. This obviously only made him feel worse.

The question he asked himself two months ago was never answered.

Jay didn't know how to function without you. He didn't know how to exist in a world where you weren't part of it.

He couldn't sleep well anymore without you beside him and even though two months had passed, every night he found himself looking at the photos of you two and, God, how much he would’ve paid to go back to those moments and be able to relive them.

His gaze landed on one of the pictures Adam took at Molly's the fucking night when he decided giving Hailey a ride home would be a smart thing to do. God, on second thought if he could just go back in time – not giving a shit about seeming mean and insensitive – he would’ve even let her walk in the rain and snow if it meant having you with him again.

A bitter smile played on his lips as his vision blurred with tears. He had cried so much in those past months, more than he’d ever want to admit, and there were countless times where he called Will to come over and always ended up crying in front of him.

Fuck he missed you so much.

How was it possible to want someone so bad? How was it possible to miss someone so much he felt like he was dying everyday even after two months?

He sniffled as he paid attention to the photo again. You were so beautiful and seemed so carefree. He had his arm around your shoulders and you had half your face buried in his chest as you both laughed about something he couldn’t remember.

Jay struggled to recognize himself.

He didn't remember what it was like to be so happy anymore, to smile so much his jaw hurt, to feel his heart full of joy. By now he no longer smiled, if it wasn't for the strained and fake smiles he addressed to colleagues and friends from time to time.

He was so fucking happy with you and he had let slip the only source of such happiness, the only person who had ever managed to make him almost touch the sky with a finger.

He wiped away a tear that had slipped down his cheek as his finger traced the outline of your figure imprinted in the picture. This was all he had left. Just some photos and videos.

You were so beautiful, the most gorgeous woman his eyes had ever had the pleasure of laying on and the way you smiled in those photos, God, your smile was breathtaking.

The movie played in the background as he continued to look back at all the photos and videos of you he had saved in his gallery for the millionth time. He would’ve let someone rip his organs out with bare hands and let them being sold on the black market if it meant having you back.

He wanted nothing more than to go back to those happy and carefree times, to those moments he seemed to take for granted.

What would he have done to be able to make you laugh like that again, to hug you so hard until he took your breath away. What would he have given to have you back with him, to be able to open the car door for you, to hear you sing all the songs you knew on the radio or to be able to take you to your favorite restaurant and watch you stuff yourself with food with your eyes shining with joy until you exploded.

What he would’ve given to see you watch your favorite movie a thousand more times and be moved every single time while he hugged you and dried the tears you always denied having.

What would he even give to see you so grumpy and sad when your period was about to come but how that nervousness instantly disappeared and how your face lit up the moment he went to your house with a bag full of chocolate and junk food.

What would he have given to be able to sleep beside you again, to be able to cradle you in his arms and whisper sweet words until you fell asleep when you weren't sleepy or when, on the contrary, you denied you were sleepy but ended up falling asleep literally three minutes later . What would he have given to open his eyes in the morning and see you lying next to him, with only the sheet covering your body, to see your hair scattered on the pillow and some strands in front of your face, or feel your scent invade his nostrils every time you were close to him.

And, damn it, he would’ve given anything to even take back your cooking and your terribly prepared dishes. He missed going to your house and seeing the kitchen upside down with literally all the dirty dishes and pots. God, you were a terrible cook but he loved so much the immense effort you put into cooking something you knew he loved and yet he still ate whatever you made for him with a smile on his face, not admitting the food was overcooked or raw or even charred, just so he could see the look of pure joy on your face as he ate it.

He had never left a single plate full.

And that was the difference between you and him.

You always tried hard for him, you always tried to improve, to bite the bullet even if you didn't like something just so as not to bother him. You did it until you reached your breaking point and he understood this, even if it was too late.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

The guilt was eating him alive. He couldn't accept in any way the most beautiful things that ever happened to him had ended that way and above all because of him.

He couldn’t stop thinking about you.

What were you doing? Were you thinking of him? Did you miss him? How were you?

It had been two fucking months since he had seen you, that he hadn't heard from you even though he had tried several times to call you and text you even though – understandably – you had never replied to him. He went to your house so many times he couldn’t count them but every single time before knocking on your door he’d froze, not knowing what to do and fearing your reaction. So he turned and walked away, not sparing himself crying like a three-year-old.

He had asked his friends with whom you had kept in touch about you but they said it wasn't their place to say things that concerned you since you two have broken up and that he had to stop hurting himself and take the matter in his hands.

Jay had stopped going out, his life was now home-work work-home. He didn't even know how he managed to do his job, let alone think about going out and sitting at a bar.

The truth was that he was scared as hell.

He was afraid to see you again, he was afraid to look at you and know you no longer gave a fuck about him, he was afraid of how he’d react after so long without seeing you.

He jumped when he heard someone knocking on the door and quickly wiped away his tears, locking the phone and throwing it on the couch before getting up and going to see who it was.

Oh, and the cell phone was new obviously. He didn't want to think back to how he had destroyed the old one by throwing it furiously against the wall.

“Will what are you doing here?” Jay asked as he opened the door and let his brother in, closing it behind him.

“Go get dressed, we’re going out.”

“I'm not going anywhere, I'm watching a movie.” He sat back on the couch, looking at the TV even though he didn't even remember the name of the movie.

“It wasn't a request Jay. I've had enough of seeing you like this. You have to take your life into your own hands, aren't you tired of this?”

Jay rolled his eyes. “Will just leave me alone please, I don't want to go out.”

Will walked over and took the remote control before turning off the TV and placing it back on the coffee table. “Like I said, it wasn't a request. Go get dressed, let's go to a bar for a drink and we are not going Molly's don't worry. You need to get out Jay, you've been doing nothing but staying inside the house for two months.”

“Will… I swear to God,” Jay scolded, feeling his anger and irritation grow more and more.

“No brother, listen to me. I know it hurts, I can only imagine how much but it's time you start to move on. I know you still love her but it's full of people out there you might know. She left you and it was probably for the best...”

Jay didn't even let him finish his sentence.

He suddenly got up and grabbed him by the shirt, seething with anger and refraining from giving him a punch just because he was his brother.

“If you know what's best for you, don't even dare to finish the sentence,” he spat through clenched teeth and Will nodded, knowing he was in no condition to think clearly. Jay let him go but the anger was still there.

“Jay, listen I'm sorry…”

“No fuck you! How can you think it’s better this way? How could you say that! She is the best for me, if it’s not her I don't want anyone else. After all this time, you know what I’ve been through since we were just friend, you know how I won't be able to love anyone like I love her so stop trying to pair me with someone every fucking opportunity you get, I'm sick of it!”.

Will nodded, feeling guilty for pushing his brother so hard. “I’m sorry Jay, you’re right I went too far but I’m just worried about you. I hate seeing you this way and I wasn't kidding about taking back your life. You can't keep going like this,” he said “Let's at least go have a drink and get some fresh air, I promise I won't say anything else.”

So this was how Jay found himself sitting at a bar he had never been to before with his brother – who had also invited other friends besides those from the unit – regretting the fucking moment he agreed with that shit.

Hailey was there too but he didn't even say hello to her or gave her single glance. He didn't care although he knew she had nothing to do with it but he couldn't help but feel resentment towards her.

Don't blame others for your bullshit and for not being able to keep your girlfriend, his conscience added.

Jay ended up drinking and getting drunk until he couldn't stand without help. He wasn't the type to drink but in that moment he would’ve done anything to just stop thinking about you even for just a minute. But the thing was that even when he was drunk he couldn't stop blurting out your name and not think about you, so this was no use.

Will ended up letting him sleep at his house, not feeling like leaving him alone, a chasm in his heart while looking at his brother reduced to that state and not being able to do anything to help him.

“Oh Y/n what have you done do to my brother,” he sighed before casting one last glance at Jay asleep on the bed in the guest room before closing the door behind him.

But if only Will had known what conditions you were in too, he would’ve asked this same question to you.

What have Jay done to you?

In the two months after the breakup, not a day had gone by without not wanting him back and cry in his arms, telling him you regretted leaving him.

It was hard, damn it was, but you had to be strong.

You didn't know how you didn't give in but no matter how much you loved him, no matter how much your heart ached agonizingly, you couldn't go back, not if there was no change.

You believed that at least after the break up he’d try to fight for your relationship, that he’d demonstrate he loved you as much as he professed but you started to wonder if it was even true or not.

The passing of those two months could be compared to riding a roller coaster. One day you were angry like never before, another you seemed to feel better, another you had to ask for a work leave because you had spent the night crying all the tears you had in your body until you didn't even have the strength to get up the next morning.

You had also discovered that alcohol could be a good companion but after three weeks of continuous drinking and you calling some of your friends in tears, you realized it really wasn't that good and it made you think of Jay more than you normally did. You lost count of the number of times your friends had taken your cell phone from you to prevent you from calling Jay in your drunken state.

But you missed that bastard son of a bitch so much.

And you hated yourself because you couldn't hate him even when he had made you suffer.

You asked yourself so many times if it had been the right decision, if you hadn't made it too hastily, letting yourself be guided solely by your negative emotions.

No, your conscience quickly intervened when these thoughts crept into your mind.

You had already spoken up to him many times, you had explained to him how uncomfortable his friendship with Hailey made you feel but he had decided to ignore your words and not give importance to them. All of this hurt you so damn much, especially knowing he didn't care enough like you thought he did.

It didn't matter how much you had to suffer, this wasn’t what you wanted for yourself.

You didn't want to have to beg for his attention, you didn't want to have to tearfully tell him every single time how bad the way he talked and laughed with her made you feel or how ignored you felt sometimes. You wanted a carefree love, you wanted a love where the person next to you took you above all others, a love where your man saw no other person but you, you wanted a love so intense you had to be the center of his world.

And you really thought you won the lottery with Jay.

He was the perfect man for you, or at least he had been for the first few months. God what would you have given to relive those times. They were pure heaven, you felt like you were constantly floating on clouds, almost exploding with happiness. You really felt like the center of his world and you wondered what had happened, why everything had fallen apart.

Maybe you were too pretentious, maybe you lived too much on fairy tales and romance novels, maybe you were destined to be alone and not meet anyone who’d give you what you wanted. Maybe you had to settle down and lower your expectations.

But no, damn it, you’d didn’t want to do that.

You’d never settle for a mediocre love or a person who gave you the bare minimum, even if it meant dying alone.

You knew Jay was and would forever be the one and only, you wouldn’t be able to love anyone like you loved him.

“Y/n you still there?” Stella's voice brought you back to reality.

“Oh yeah, sorry, I was just… A little bit lost in my thoughts.”

You and Stella were taking a walk in the park after your shift, even though it was cold. You had initially refused, wanting nothing more than to go home and cry yourself to sleep as you looked at the photos of you with Jay and regretted the love you had probably lost forever. But Stella didn't want to listen and you had to thank her. You wouldn't have known what to do if she hadn't been there in those two months. She had truly become your rock.

“Don't worry, I get it,” she replied with a sweet smile on her face. “You want to tell me what were you thinking about?”.

“No, I don't really want to talk about it, I've already stressed you out enough with this whole thing,” you said, putting your frozen hands in your jacket’s pockets. There was almost no one in that park if it hadn't been for a few passers-by who were taking their dog for a walk.

Autumn had already begun, the trees were mostly almost all bare from their leaves and you couldn't help but feel like them. Empty, bare, devoid of any emotion other than a sense of loss and profound sadness.

I hate you Jay Halstead.

And I also love you so damn much.

“Y/n I told you a thousand times not to keep things inside, I'm here and I’ll happily listen to you, don't think for a second you can be a burden to me.”

You turned to her and gave her a smile, perhaps one of the only sincere ones you'd given in the last two months. You felt your eyes fill with tears and you cursed yourself for feeling so emotional, how you seemed to do anything but cry at the smallest thing.

She understood you instantly, even when you looked away from her and wrapped an arm around your shoulders, giving you an encouraging hug.

You let out a sigh as the cold air prickled your face, immediately wiping away a lone tear that slid down your cheek.

“I don’t know Stella, I’m so confused…” you started to speak “I miss him so much and I… I wonder when I’ll stop feeling this way.”

“I know you miss him, it's natural Y/n. Don't pressure yourself about this, give yourself time to get over it, it's only been two months,” she paused for a moment, giving you a look, “But you don't want to get over it, do you?”.

How did she know exactly how you felt?

You nodded feebly, feeling terribly stupid.

“I don't want to go on without him, I don't know how to do it... He made me feel like shit and all I can think about is that I’d love nothing more than for him to knock on my door,” you spoke, giving voice to your thoughts “I feel so stupid because I should be mad at him and fuck I am, I wish he had fought for us, I wish he hadn't limited himself to few stupid calls and texts, I wish he had listened to me when I talked to him about our problems, but… God, at the same time if he came back I know I’d go back to him in a heartbeat because I don't know how to be without him...” tears were now streaming down your face and Stella listened to you carefully while she continued to keep her arm around your shoulder. “Am I being crazy?”.

“Oh darling, of course you aren’t. Like I said, it is more than normal, in fact I’d be worried if you didn't feel this way.”

“Was I stupid to leave him?”.

“No, you did the right thing if that’s what you felt, I would probably have done the same thing if Kelly did this or worse. Even if you love Jay to death that doesn't mean you have to spend your relationship feeling anxious every time you see him with Hailey or constantly worrying that something might happen between the two of them, or asking him to spend time with you and take you on dates or something like that. It's best to set the record straight from the start, if there's one thing you shouldn't do it's keep it all inside you. Just know that sooner or later you will explode and believe me, if you had done this the outcome would’ve been far worse.”

“I know, I know… You’re right,” you sighed “But when will this end?” you sniffed at the same time she handed you a tissue.

“I wish I could answer that Y/n, but unfortunately this is love. It's beautiful and ugly, it's joy and pain. I always thought love and hate were two sides of the same coin and it doesn't take much to erase the line between them,” she sighed, feeling sorry for you.

“Well, love sucks right now.”

You both let out a laugh and you dried you tears, again. “Trust me honey I know but… Can I tell you what I think?”.

“Yes, please.”

“I think if fate wants it, it’ll bring you back together. Darling, you two broke up not because the love ended but because you reached the breaking point after so much tension and arguments. I’m one hundred percent sure that everything happened between you was due to communication problems: he didn't fully understand your problems and you didn't have the patience to make him understand them,” she softly spoke.

“Unfortunately, you have to understand you’re two different people honey and as such you have different thoughts and views of life so what’s important for you doesn’t mean it will be as much as important for him and vice versa. He wasn’t good at understanding this and I think this was his fault; he had to put himself in your shoes, and you couldn't take it the fact he didn’t immediately get why his relationship with Hailey – along with other issues – made you feel the way you felt,” she took a pause while you listened with meticulous attention to every single word.

“He was superficial, this is true, but his problem didn't come from this. Think for a second how it must’ve felt to be constantly accused of something that I myself am certain isn’t the truth, to feel the lack of trust from the person you love,” she continued to speak as you both kept waking slowly.

“Y/n that man lives and breathes for you, his heart beats for no one but you, I see the way he looks at you and the way he talks about you when you’re not there. I saw the way he’s struggling right not and I’m very sure if you called him this very moment he’d be here begging you on his knees to come back with him. I’m not on his side though, like I said, I really think you guys just had communication issues and you need a little more patience with each other. I'm not saying you didn't do the right thing, on the contrary, I think this breakup however painful, could be the turning point for you and I'm one hundred percent sure you’ll get back together, just mark my words.”

-

You spent the following weekend locked in your house avoiding any social interaction.

You did nothing but think over and over again about Stella's words during your walk and you would’ve been lying if you said the idea of calling Jay or going to him hadn't crossed your mind more intensely than before.

You didn't do it though, fear and pride blocking you.

What if he had moved on? What if he had already forgotten about you? What if he hooked up with Hailey?

No, no, no, fuck no.

These questions continued to haunt you and were what stopped you from doing something stupid. You wouldn't have been able to bear it, you weren't ready to know this and probably never would’ve been.

It had been two months since you had seen him or heard from him but every time you wanted to ask your friends about him you stopped yourself out of pure selfishness, because you were afraid of the answer. You knew if they answered those unexpressed questions and make your fears reality, it would’ve killed you. You’d never recover, no matter how dramatic and absurd that sounded.

Selfishly speaking, you hoped he was feeling as shitty as you were, just because that would’ve meant he still cared about you and that you were still somewhere in his mind like he was constantly in yours.

Monday came slowly and you were never so grateful for it, feared that if you were left alone with your mind another day you’d shoot your brain out with a rifle.

You entered the shower with the intention of washing yourself quickly, trying to ignore the memories of the ones you took with Jay.

“God please, stop,” you whispered to yourself. Why didn’t it get easier? Why couldn't you do anything without some fucking thing reminding you of him? Why couldn't you just forget?

You burst into tears, letting them mix with the tap water that wet your face. You leaned against the cold tiles, as you sobbed into your hands covering your face.

You couldn't take it anymore.

It was getting unbearable.

You placed a hand at your heart level, feeling how it was beating wildly. Your chest rose and fell rapidly and as numerous sobs came out of your mouth and copious tears from your eyes, you started to feel the horrible sensation of not being able to breathe, as if the walls had suddenly started to close around you.

You were familiar with that feeling unfortunately, it wasn't the first time it had happened to you in those last two months and all you could do was just let it happen, sit on the ground and wait for it to pass.

And that was exactly what you did, sitting on the floor of the shower, letting the water hit your back until it got cold and you calmed down.

When you arrived at work you felt like a zombie.

You hadn't had breakfast, your twisted stomach prevented you from being able to swallow any food, and you felt rather weak.

Absurdly you hoped there would be an accident, a fire, any kind of thing that would allow you to keep your mind occupied for at least a few hours.

And for once in your life, fate seemed to follow your will.

Your team was called to the scene of an accident that very morning, a couple of hours after you arrived at the fire station. It was a road accident, a car had crashed into a guardrail and the victim was trapped in the vehicle.

When you arrived at the crime scene it started raining, making that shitty day even shittier.

You didn't have time to think about the rain, you had a person to save but it made the job even more difficult. The car was completely destroyed in the front and there were pieces of glass from the car windows and braking marks on the asphalt, making you wonder how fast the driver was going to end up in that state. You were even surprised he was still alive.

“Hey buddy just hang on okay? We'll get you out of there, just hold on for a few minutes and don't make sudden movements,” you tried to reassure him, slightly leaning forward so you could look at him. The driver was a boy who couldn’t have exceeded the age of twenty and he was about to have a panic attack. You didn't blame him though, no one would want to be in that situation.

“Get me out of here!” He kept screaming.

You and the other firefighters on the scene worked together to get the victim out of the car which was now reduced to a pile of scrap that looked more like a can of tuna.

You managed to get him out of the car but not before putting a collar around his neck to stabilize the cervical vertebrae in case they were fractured. You and your colleague, Alex, removed him from the car and immediately placed him on the stretcher, locking the straps around his body.

Even though he was almost out of danger, the stranger continued to move, shouting to let him go.

“Hey, hey, hey! Listen to me! It's okay, you're safe now. They’ll take you to the hospital where they’ll treat you okay?” You tried for the umpteenth time to calm the boy down before looking at the paramedics and nodding at them, signing they could finally transport the victim on the ambulance.

“Y/n! Come here!” Alex's voice caught your attention and you joined him towards the crashed car.

“Am I tripping or does this look like blood?” He asked, pointing to the rear trunk which was closed and from which streams of what certainly appeared to be blood were coming out.

“Holy shit,” you let out and you both exchanged a worried look. “Take the crowbar.”

With no small amount of ease you managed to open the trunk and nothing could have prepared you for what you found yourselves facing.

“Fuck!” “Oh shit!” You and Alex exclaimed almost at the same time, covering your noses from the nauseating smell that had hit you right in the face, simultaneously taking steps backwards.

There was a fucking dead body in the trunk of that car and in that moment you understood why the driver was so agitated and in a hurry to run away.

“Call the police.”

It was the Intelligence who intervened at the crime scene and it wasn't even necessary to say you were a bundle of nerves. Your stomach was churning in anxiety as you tried to stay calm, the thought of having to see Jay again almost made you throw up.

You breathed a sigh of relief when you saw Antonio arrive alone, fuck, you weren't ready to face Jay, not on the crime scene where you had found a body.

“Mornin’ guys. So what do we have here?” Antonio asked as soon as he greeted you and Alex. He gave you a longer look than usual, giving you a smile that screamed pity and sorrow.

God, did you look that bad?

Alex explained the situation and everything that happened while you listened. The rain was incessant and by now all your hair was sticking to your forehead even though it was tied up in a ponytail. The cold was almost unbearable even though you were wearing your uniform jacket which was quite heavy.

You were talking to Antonio after Alex got back to your other colleagues when you saw him and you almost had a heart attack.

Jay.

You froze in place, feeling all your muscles suddenly atrophy and paralyze. You blinked several times, fearing you were having a hallucination.

“Y/n? You okay?” Antonio's voice reached your ears very far away, your attention focused on the only person who had ever made your heart beat so fast you feared it’d stop.

You know when you hear in a movie the characters say time stops when they see the person they love?

You had always thought it was just a cliché thing but in that moment you really realized how truth that statement was.

Everything seemed to disappear, rain evaporated, people vanished.

It was two months. Two months of not seeing him. Two months of pure torture and hell and now he was there in front of you, beautiful as the sun.

He was wearing a jacket whose pockets he had put his hands in, a hood covering his hair as he walked towards the yellow police tape. He put a hand out of his pocket to lift it and go under it after nodding to the cops, tucking his hand back into his pocket immediately afterwards.

You felt your knees give away and you didn't know how you managed not to collapse there in front of everyone.

But it was when your eyes met that your breath was completely knocked out of your lungs.

Jay stopped in his tracks instantly, as if he'd bumped into something. He couldn't help but widen his eyes and part his lips as his brain processed the vision in front of him.

Was it really you? Wasn't he dreaming?

The cold vanished almost instantly as a sensation of heat coursed through his body, causing every cell in his system to light up on fire. He didn't expect to see you, not like that and not after two months.

He had to repress the desire to run to you and throw himself at your feet and pray for your forgiveness. He was overwhelmed by a wave of emotions.

Happiness.

Sadness.

Repentance.

Emptiness.

Anger.

Pain.

The memories of your last meeting overwhelmed him. His heart shattered even more than it already was when he remembered the last time he had seen and spoken to you, you both had shouted the worst evil things at each other.

It's over.

Even from afar your eyes managed to hypnotize him but he couldn't help but notice how the light that characterized them, that light in those eyes he continuously dreamed about and which he still loved with all his being, had disappeared.

And it was his fault, he was the one who did this to you.

He had noticed the dark circles surrounding your eyes, perhaps even worse than his, and guilt was added to all those feelings he felt.

It was all his fault.

His eyes filled with tears when you looked away, wanting nothing more than to run away and cry.

He saw Antonio turn towards him and give him a look before returning his attention to you and saying something. Jay didn't have the strength to get closer, the fear was paralyzing him. He couldn’t even let out a sound.

But how much he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs how much he loved you, so deeply you made completely lose his mind to the point he couldn’t breathe without you, sleep, or even eat.

He just stood there like an idiot while staring at you, not moving a single muscle.

You’re so fucking mesmerizing Y/n. How can someone be so beautiful?

You said something to Antonio and looked at Jay again before turning your back and walking away, joining the rest of your colleagues who were about to go back to the fire station.

“Halstead you okay?” Antonio asked as he approached him but Jay didn't even seem to listen to him as his eyes were following your every move. “Jay.”

“I'm fine,” he murmured, never taking his eyes off you. You were taking some tools he couldn't even identify and loading it onto the fire truck.

“Jay, man, look at me please.”

But he didn't.

He didn't take his eyes off you until you got into the truck and drove away, not before you exchanged another look.

Jay let out a sigh he didn't even know he was holding, then ran his hands over his face wet because of the rain.

He looked at the gray sky for a moment, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath in an attempt to regain control of himself.

He hated all of this. He hated you still had so much control over him, his thoughts, how you managed to mess him up so badly he couldn't properly function anymore. You had such power over him and you didn't even know it. How the fuck could you even doubt he didn't care about you?

“I’m sorry,” he murmured when he realized how idiotic he must have looked.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“How is she?”.

Antonio sighed. “She… She’s not doing very well Jay, she was shaking when she saw you. Why don't you just talk to her and solve your problems? It's so obvious that neither of you are over it yet.”

It was now late afternoon and Jay was out of his mind.

For the rest of the day he thought of nothing but you and meeting you that morning. Even as the team investigated the case about the body you found, everyone had noticed how his mind was totally elsewhere.

He said something from time to time, participating in the investigations when he seemed to wake up from his thoughts and then immediately distanced himself from them again.

He didn't miss Voight's lecture, who chided him about how distracted he had been lately. He told him he understood the hard time he was going through but that he should leave his problems outside the district.

He was quite understanding, even when Jay came to him and told him he no longer wanted to be partnered with Hailey, but enough was enough. Jay had to be concentrated, he couldn't afford distractions in a job like his because just one small mistake could’ve cost him his life.

“What happened man? You seem even more out of your mind than usual today,” Adam stated when he entered the break room and saw his friend sitting on the small sofa, looking down and a cup of steaming coffee in his hands.

“I saw her,” Jay replied softly.

“What? Seriously? When? Have you guys talked?”.

Jay shook his head. “This morning, at the crime scene, she was one of the firefighters there,” he sighed as his mind was haunted by your eyes “We didn't talk. I just looked at her from afar.”

Adam sighed as he poured himself some coffee too. “How much longer are you planning to go on like this? You're becoming unbearable Halstead.”

“Excuse me?”.

“Yes, you heard me mate. You’ve been a pain the ass. Either you get back with her or move on, just stop crying to yourself like a baby and do something. Are you waiting for a fucking miracle to get you back together? Then you can wait forever because it will never happen. You make your own destiny.”

Jay looked at him not knowing whether to laugh or feeling offended.

But damn, was he right.

He was tired of feeling this way, of this continuing suffering, of being without you. It had been too long and he didn't want to live that way anymore. He no longer wanted to wake up in the morning and constantly wonder when the damn day would end, he no longer wanted to roll over in bed and not seeing you lying next to him, he no longer wanted to wake up in the middle of the night because of some nightmare where you were happily in love with another man.

He wanted to be your man, he wanted to give you all the happiness you deserved, he wanted to be the one to give you everything you needed.

He had been so stupid for even letting this much time pass.

All he had to do was go to you and do everything within his power to make you truly trust him again, to proving you how much he loved you, how much his world revolved only around you, how much only you made him happy.

Either it was you or he’d die in total solitude and he didn't want that. He wanted to be with you, he wanted to die like a decrepit old man while he held your hand.

He hadn't spent so many years of friendship longing for you only to give up like that and let you go, he couldn't do that. He didn’t want to live with that ‘if’, with the fear of taking a few steps towards you because he was afraid of your rejection, even if it would’ve hurt him, he wanted to give his all.

For this reason he placed the cup of coffee on the table and ran away at the speed of light, leaving Adam standing there who, however, immediately understood the intentions of his friend and grinned to himself.

Jay didn't bother wearing his jacket or getting an umbrella to protect himself from the rain that was pouring incessantly since the morning, not caring about anything other than coming to you.

Although it was only 5:30 PM, it was already dark outside. The rain was pounding so hard the walk from the district to his car was enough to get him soaked from head to toe.

If in other moments he would’ve torn a limb rather than get into the car with his soaked clothes and wet the seats, in that instant it was the last thing on his mind. He thought about how you’d react seeing him in that situation, he knew you’d tease him forever. Just the thought made him smile.

It was Monday and he knew you had a double shift that day so he drove to the fire station at the speed of light, hoping to find you there. He didn't care you were in the middle of the shift, he just needed to see you.

He parked the car crookedly, got out and ran towards the fire station. The first person he met was Stella, who looked at him with a weird look as soon as she noticed the condition he was in.

“Stella, hi... Where is Y/n? I need to talk to her.”

He gave her a confused look at her when he saw her slightly grinning as she crossed her arms over her chest. “Finally Halstead, took you long enough don't you think? Two months…”

“I know, I've been a stupid piece of shit,” he interrupted her not being able to contain himself anymore “But please tell me where she is.”

“She went home an hour and a half ago, she said she wasn't feeling well.”

Worry took over. “Wait what? Did something happened?”.

Stella rolled her eyes. “You're such an idiot Jay. Physically she's fine, emotionally not much and it's because of you,” she pointed her index finger at his chest. “You better fix the mess you've made.”

He felt like shit, more than he already was. He hated the thought of you being in pain, especially because of him. “I'll try, if she still wants to talk to me.”

“She has every reason not to,” Stella commented.

He nodded. She was right. “She’s home right?”.

“Last time I checked, yes.”

“Thank you Stella.”

Jay started to walk away but her voice made him stop.

“I never want to see her cry again Jay so if you don't believe in what you're doing and if you think you can't give her what she needs you better turn around and drive your stupid ass back to your house,” she threatened him. “She wouldn't be able to go through everything she's been through these past few months again, so I'm warning you, I'll rip your balls off and make you wear them like earrings if you make her suffer again.”

“I'm not going to Stella, she…” he sighed trying to find the right words to describe how he felt about you “She is my whole world, I've never been as sure of anything as I am of how much I love her, I just want her back.”

Stella nodded. “Now go.”

When Jay arrived outside your apartment building, a wave of relief went through him as he noticed your car was parked in its usual spot. But it was soon replaced by disappointment when after knocking your door several times there was no answer.

He thought about calling you but he didn't want to scare you away, he didn't want you to have the chance to escape since he wanted to talk to you at all costs.

He went outside again, and sat on the steps outside the main entrance waiting for you, his head bowed as droplets of water were falling on the asphalt. He luckily managed to sit where the rain wouldn’t come although the still soaked clothes were starting to bother him. He didn't care though, this was truly the last thing on his mind.

Where were you? Were you alone? Were you with anyone else?

He shook his head. He didn't even want to think about it, knowing he’d most likely get a life sentence without parole if he ever saw another man next to you.

He didn’t also want to think it wouldn’t be his businesses since you two weren’t together anymore.

Contrary to what Jay thought, you had just gone for a walk, unable to stay at home since you were afraid if you were left alone with your thoughts again you’d go crazy. You thought you were stupid for asking to leave early from work so you could stay at home and rest but then didn't want to stay because the anguish was so intense you couldn't even sit still.

So you ended up taking an umbrella and going out for a walk, without a specific destination. You just wanted to clear your head and get some fresh air. Even though the rain was bothering you since that morning, you still loved the sound of it and the smell it left in the air.

Seeing Jay had shocked you more than you would’ve ever imagined, even though you knew quite well how it’d end. You had wondered numerous times what it’d be like to meet him again after two months of not hearing from him, you knew it wouldn't be easy, but you didn't think it would’ve such a deep effect on you to not even let you do your job.

It was as if you jumped back to the day you broke up and that very little progress you had made over the course of those months disintegrated as soon as you met his beautiful eyes.

You walked for a time that seemed infinite to you even though barely an hour had passed and when your hands started to lose sensitivity due to the cold, you decided it was the time to head back home.

The journey to your apartment building took longer than expected, not in a hurry to return to those four cold walls as you knew the rough night awaited you. That is, crying and alcohol.

But if you had known what – or rather who – awaited you, you would’ve run until your lungs burned.

“Jay…”

You almost had a heart attack when you noticed the figure sitting on those steps, recognizing immediately the very and only man who managed to take your breath away and the ground off your feet with just a look.

You immediately saw how soakes wet his clothes were and how he wasn't even wearing a jacket over his long-sleeved shirt and your heart ached painfully.

How long was he there?

He shoot his gaze up from the ground when he heard your voice, fearing for a moment it was too good to be true and you weren't really there. He stood up quickly, standing in front of you.

“What are you doing here?” You asked with a shaky voice, struggling to hold the eye contact. Why did you want to cry so suddenly?

“I… I’m sorry for popping in here unannounced, I need to talk to you.”

Your stomach tightened in a vice, though you knew you had no other choice. You had to do it, you needed it too.

You nodded. “Let's go upstairs though.” You continued, feeling your heart break at thought he might catch something.

He nodded back and at the same time let out a sneeze before looking down in embarrassment. If it wasn’t for the fact you had broken up badly and this was the first time you interacted since that faithful day, you would’ve found it funny.

You closed your umbrella and entered your apartment building, aware Jay was behind you, and you both walked up to your home in complete silence.

Jay almost burst into tears when you opened the door and let him in, feeling a wave of nostalgia wash over him. He could smell your scent perfectly – well it was normal since it was your house – but he missed it so fucking much he thought he’d collapse on the floor.

He looked around, noticing everything was the same, but different at the same time. Two months had passed since he had set foot in that house but it seemed like an eternity since it had been the worst time of his life.

Silence reigned supreme as he looked at you taking off your jacket and hung it on the coat rack, after placing the wet umbrella in its stand.

You disappeared into your room for a moment and he stood there frozen, not knowing what to do.

He hated that feeling so fucking much, he hated not knowing how to act around you, what to say or what to do. You had always been his best friend, the person he felt most at peace with, you were the love of his life and yet at that moment he couldn't even look at you in the eyes without feeling like complete shit.

“I brought you some dry clothes, you can go change and put the wet ones in the dryer,” you said as soon as you walked out of your room, holding some folded clothes that Jay immediately recognized as his.

A little hope lit up inside him.

You still had his clothes, a black t-shirt and sweatpants. He had even forgotten you had them in first place but the relief and joy he felt from that small gesture almost made him burst into tears.

God I feel like a fucking emotional teenage girl.

“I thought you threw them away,” he replied, moving closer to you. You shook your head, but didn't look at him, too embarrassed to do it. If only he had known you had spent nights wearing those clothes and smelling his scent while crying yourself to sleep.

He took them and as he did it your hands touched.

You both tried to maintain a neutral facade but from the brief glance you exchanged you knew it affected both of you at the same way. It was as if an electric shock ran through your bodies and that small, almost imperceptible touch was enough to throw both of you into a whirlwind of indescribable emotions.

“Uhm… I-I… Well… I’ll just go,” he stammered before running to the bathroom and closing the door behind him.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, Y/n what are you doing to me,” he whispered, resting his forehead on the door as he caught his breath.

You let out a deep breath you didn't realize you were holding, placing a hand on your chest in an attempt to slow down your heart that was beating so hard it felt like it wanted to escape from your rib cage.

“I need a drink,” you said to yourself and went to the kitchen with the intention of drinking something strong.

You were still processing what was happening.

Jay was at your house.

Your ex-boyfriend and the love of your fucking life was at your house, in your bathroom, changing his wet clothes.

You tried to convince yourself it was reality and not just your dream as you poured some whiskey into a glass and downed it in one gulp like a shot.

You were so lost in your thoughts you didn't even realize Jay was back. You gave him a look, cursing yourself as you did since Jay in black was one of your weaknesses.

Lord please have mercy on my poor soul.

“How long have you been a whiskey drinker?”.

“Do you really want to know?” You responded with another question, looking up at him and taking another shot of alcohol, the burn along your throat now quite familiar.

You looked at each other for a few seconds and he shook his head slightly, knowing full well the answer to that question. He lowered his eyes to the floor, the guilt too strong.

“You want something?” You politely asked as you closed the bottle.

“No, thank you.” He wanted to talk to you as clearly as possible.

You nodded and placed the dirty glass in the sink.

Silence reigned supreme again and you walked past him before going into the living room and sitting on the couch. Your palms were sweating and you wondered why this had to be so damn hard.

Jay followed you like a puppy, but remained standing.

“You can sit Jay.”

He never thought about it but his name never sounded so wonderful until he heard you say it. Everything that came out of your lips was pure poetry to his ears, except when you insulted him, that was like getting stabbed by thousands knives.

He sat down on the couch, painfully far away from you.

“How are you?“ Was the first thing Jay asked and he mentally smacked himself on the forehead for his stupidity. He hadn't seen you for two months after you two had a horrible breakup and the smartest thing he could think of was ‘how are you?’.

Fucking dumbass.

You raised your head and your eyes met his, looking at him with an indecipherable expression. “You want the honest truth?”.

“Always.”

“Not very good Jay,” you gave a fake tight half smile “And now that you're here even less so.”

He sighed, obviously expecting this response, leaning back on the couch as he thought about what he could say.

“I'm sorry.” Was all he could spit out.

You imitated his gesture and leaned against the back of the sofa too, crossing your fingers over your belly while your eyes were fixed on the ceiling as if it was the most interesting thing you had ever seen.

You both remained silent for a moment. You looking at the ceiling and him looking at you.

With his eyes he traced the outline of your profile in meticulous detail, thinking about how much he missed being able to be close to you and look at you. He analyzed every inch of skin of your face, taking pictures with his gaze with the hope of imprinting them all in his memory in case he was no longer able to look at you like that.

“What did you want to talk to me about?” you asked, not looking at him.

He had to bite his tongue to keep from telling you how beautiful you were, fearing he’d get nothing more than a slap in the face, probably deserved too.

“So many things but I don’t know where to begin, I… I had a speech but I can’t even remember my own name now.”

You turned your head towards him and you looked at each other for a while in a way Jay couldn’t decipher, making him wish he could read your mind.

Your eyes never left each other as silence filled the room, the air was so tense it could be cut with a knife.

“How did we end up like this Jay?” It was you who broke the silence after a while, your voice so low you thought he hadn't even heard you.

“It was my fault,” he replied without hesitation “I… You were right Y/n, I was a shitty boyfriend,” he continued referring to what you had told him that fateful morning.

“No, it was my…”

“No bab- Y/n…” he tried to correct himself but it was too late because your heart had already skipped a beat. “I won't let you think it was your fault. I neglected you, I took you for granted, I was arrogant enough to think that once we got together we could just be happy without any effort. But I was wrong, I didn't realize I had hurt you so much and believe me... Please believe me, I’ll spend the rest of my days beating myself for this.”

“I hurt you too…” you whispered, feeling your eyes full of tears and afraid you’d start crying at any moment.

His chest tightened as he saw your sad expression and God only knew how much he wanted to hug you, holding you so tightly to his chest until he’d make all your pain go away.

He shook his head. “You were just angry, now I know, I understand it. I know your constant arguing with me was your way of telling me I wasn't doing enough for you and I'm sorry for putting you through all of this… I… I'm sorry for making you doubt me and I’ll never forgive myself for that Y/n because I lost the best thing that ever happened to me in life.”

Hearing those words made those little defenses you had managed to built collapse. You got up suddenly as tears ran down your cheeks, wiping them away in the process. You stood by the window, turning your back to him so he wouldn't see you.

He stood up right after you and carefully approached you. He moved his hands with the intention of resting them on your shoulders to comfort you but he stopped, not wanting to overstep your boundaries and make the situation even worse.

“Look at me Y/n please, I need to look into your eyes,” he whispered in a pleading tone. You quickly wiped your tears with your palms and turned to him, but kept your gaze lowered. “Hey…” He called your attention and you finally looked up at him. Your eyes were incredibly shiny from the tears but they had never been more beautiful than they were in that moment and finally being able to look at them so closely was like being punched in the stomach.

“I don't blame you, I don't blame you for a single thing you did or said, I hope you know that. I'm angry at myself for not giving you what you needed and for not realizing in time you were slipping through my fingers,” he confessed, “I haven't been fair to you, I've been superficial and selfish and… I stupidly thought our love would be enough for everything to go easy, but I was so wrong, because love is not just this, love is also understanding, patience, compromise and I failed giving you this...” he talked so softly it made your heart hurt.

Tears continued to leak from your eyes down your cheeks as you listened to the words you had wanted to hear for so long. This was all you ever wanted.

“I hate seeing you like this and I hate myself more for being the cause of it,” he continued in a whisper as the lump in his throat prevented him from saying anything else. “Can I?”.

You nodded without even knowing what he was referring to and your subconscious cursed you for reacting so quickly to whatever he said.

He lifted his hands and cupped them gently on your face, wiping away every tear with his thumbs with so gentle movements you thought you were dreaming of his touch.

You closed your eyes at that touch while at the same time letting out a sigh of relief. It didn't matter how long you denied it to yourself, you missed that man like oxygen, you were nothing without him.

“I hope you'll forgive me one day even though I know I don't deserve it…” his voice broke at the last words and with a blow to your heart you realized that he too was crying.

“Jay don't-…” you managed to mutter with a shaky voice.

“No, wait, please, let me talk,” he interrupted you, sniffling and never leaving your gaze “I need to tell you these things, I need you to know how much I care about you and how much I love you. I…” he stopped again, unable to continue moving forward and lowered his gaze, not being able to look at you anymore.

“Can I?” You whispered back and his eyes met yours again, chuckling through his tears before nodding. That time you were the one wiping away his tears with your fingers, gently stroking his skin with your thumbs, enjoying that sensation you missed so badly.

“Fuck baby, I don't deserve you.” He murmured hoarsely. “But I'm too selfish to let you go.”

His thumbs continued to caress your cheeks as you slid your arms to your sides.

“Let me decide that.”

“Before you do I want you to know I’ve never for a second stopped thinking about you. These past months have been pure hell, a fucking nightmare and I deserve it, for the way I treated you but I'm so pissed at myself because YOU didn't deserve it at all,” He croaked “I disrespected you by not respecting your wishes, and not giving your feelings the importance they deserved but I swear to you Y/n, I swear to you because you’re the most important person in my fucking life,” he looked intensely into your eyes, so much as if he somehow hoped you could read his soul. “Nothing has ever happened with Hailey or any other woman and I am so sorry I made you doubt it with the way I acted.”

“You’re the only woman of my life, you’re the woman I want to build my future with, you’re the woman I want to marry, you’re the woman I want to be the mother of my children, you’re the woman with whom I want to grow old and with whom I want to die,” he spat out as more lonely tears marked his cheeks, tears you immediately took and wiped away without hesitation. He softly smiled, making your heart race and your breath quicken, as he leaned against your touch.

“I can't exist without you, I can't function if you're not here baby and I wish I could let you into my head and heart… Fuck… You wouldn't doubt for even a second every fucking cell of my body don't have your name written on them I swear. You own me, in a way you’ll never imagine.”

You couldn't answer the question of how you were still standing as with each passing second you felt your knees buckle more and more. You were a crying mess, you couldn’t even look at him properly because of your blurred vision.

“I've been a selfish son of a bitch but I swear to you, and please believe me, there hasn't been a time since I first saw you that night at Molly's years ago that you haven't been in my mind. You came into my life like a hurricane Y/n and from the first time you smiled at me I never doubted for a second I finally met the love of my life, the greatest I could ever ask for.”

His fingers caressed your hair while you feared you’d have a heart attack at any moment.

“I know these will probably be empty words but if only you’d give me a chance my little angel, I promise I’ll do everything I can to make you happy and give you everything you deserve,” he whispered “I'm not giving up on us, even if now...

The ringing of his cell phone interrupted him and he let out a “Fucking hell” before taking it from his trouser pocket.

Contrary to what you expected, he rejected the call without no hesitation or even looking who it was and threw the phone on the sofa, not caring it bounced and then fell on the floor.

“I'm sorry…” he looked at you again.

“Why didn't you answer?”.

“Because I don't care about anyone else beside you right now.”

“But what if it was important?”.

“Nothing is more important than you Y/n, I hope I can convince you of that one day.”

“But…”

“Nothing but baby,” he placed his hands on your face again, freezing when he realized what he had just said “S-sorry I…” He didn’t realize it but he had already said it few other times.

You tried to hold back a smile and shook your head, letting him know it didn’t bother you. In fact, the way that pet name made you feel was something indescribable.

“I don’t want you to think I was thinking about her but Hailey’s not my partner anymore.”

He dropped this news like a bomb without even finished what he was saying earlier, leaving you in shock, not expecting something like this at all. “What? Why?”.

“Because it's something that bothers you.”

“Jay it didn't bother me she was your partner but…”

“I know,” he interrupted you, “It bothers you the way I behaved with her even though it meant absolutely nothing to me, the fact I was with you and when she called me I answered her, that I gave her a ride her, and all the things that happened. I know, I get it now, and this was fucked up on my part and I only now understand how you felt about it and I'm so sorry...”

“I'm glad you understand now but you still didn't even have to change partners Jay.”

“Y/n, I know it. I know it wasn't even necessary not to speak to her anymore except for something related to work but this is what I wanted and want to do. It might be dramatic but for me it's the least I can do for you,” he spoke in a firm and decisive tone “I had to set some boundaries, show you respect and understand how much all of this hurt you. I had to understand it was something that deeply troubled you instead of fueling your fears and making you feel like you were a burden.”

You looked at him with shock.

Who the hell was this man?

“You come first angel, everything else is worth less than a zero for me. I now get that if something hurts you than I have to figh tooth and nail to prove to you that whatever goes through this little head will never make me stop loving you, caring about you or needing you more than the air I breathe, so if you tell me my partnership with Hailey is bothering you, I'll get rid of it.”

“But it's not fair you… You don’t have to give up your friendship with her for me. I don't want you to have to deprive yourself of all this Jay, I never asked for this...”

“…You just wanted to be reassured,” he continued the sentence for you and you nodded feebly. “But listen to me. I know you didn't ask me, no one did, I decided to do it and there won't be anything that will make me change my mind. Y/n I want to do everything I can to make you trust me again, I don't care what it entails, even if it means burning up the whole world to the ground I will do it, without hesitation. I want you to understand that nothing’s more important to me than you, that you come above anyone else. Please, I don't want and I can't be without you anymore, I can't baby...”

Jay stopped talking for a second but continued noticing your silence. “And if this makes you feel better, I don’t want to keep a friendship with someone who acted the way she did. A friend doesn't try to intrude on your relationship, I was just too trusting and stupid to understand it and I'm sorry you had to pay for it.”

You pulled away from him for a moment, suddenly feeling suffocated. You sat on the couch again, resting your elbows on your knees and your face covered by your hands as you considered everything Jay had said so far.

Your mind was in a whirlwind of emotions and you couldn't figure out which of the thousand thoughts to listen to first.

Your rational part would’ve told him it was too late, that it was easy to fix your mistakes when the damage had been done.

But your non-rational part, the bigger one, would’ve thrown your arms around him and hugged him until he lost his breath.

You appreciated everything he had told you, so relieved he had finally understood what your real problem was with everything that had happened.

You loved him so much, so terribly much and the relief you had at hearing those words lifted a weight off your shoulders. But you still were so confused and didn't know what to do.

You didn't want to make hasty decisions following only your heart and you equally didn't want to make others that you might regret.

You felt the sofa sink next to you, a sign Jay had sat down.

“I… I know my job is to show you how much you mean to me and you might think that by rooting out Hailey's problem I've just gone with the easy solution but I hope you know that's not the case. I would choose you in a room with a billion people, I would still looking for you. It's just been my way of making you understand that neither Hailey nor any other woman is as indispensable in my life as you are, none of them are worth losing you.” He spoke softly. “I’ll never get tired of repeating you’re the only one who exists for me, I have eyes only for you and it will be like this until my last breath. All I want is to see you happy baby, I want to make you happy. The problem wasn't just my friendship with Hailey, I know that, I didn’t pay enough attention to you and I want to make up for every single mistake I made... And…”

You started crying again, just when you thought you had managed to control your emotions and he noticed.

“And I love you so damn much,” he whispered these last words like some sort of spell.

After what seemed like an infinite amount of time to him, you finally looked up at him. He gently wiped away your tears for the umpteenth time, trying not to focus on how painful it was to see you like that.

“To say these two months have been hell is an understatement,” you sobbed, but still tried to speak, “I've been so angry at you Jay.”

“I know and you have every right to.”

“Every single day I hoped you’d knock on my door and say these exact words to me. Why didn't you do it? God Jay, I would’ve gotten back with you before I even let you talk. Why didn't you fight for us?”.

His heart broke into a thousand little pieces. “Because I'm a stupid piece of shit. I know you won't believe me but I was scared as fuck. I've come here so many times, actually, but I've never had the courage to knock on the door.”

“Really?”.

He nodded mentally smacking himself for his stupidly as he could’ve avoided to both of you months of suffering. “Yes, I was scared to face you. I was afraid you’d tell me it was forever over and you didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, I honestly wouldn't have been able to survive something like that. As twisted or dumb as it sounds, I had the hope one way or another fate would bring us together again and I was afraid that if you told me no then this hope would die.”

“What made you come here today?”.

“Seeing you this morning reminded me of everything I had lost. In reality, Adam also helped me knock some sense in me but, well... I realized I don't want to cry anymore and that I want to do everything to get you back.”

You looked at him for a few moments in silence, studying his words and his wonderful features.

“I’ll fight for us Y/n, I can't be without you anymore, I feel like I'm going crazy.”

“I don't want you to think it's all your fault though, it's not.”

“Indeed it is…”

“No. It was also my fault, I shouldn't have given up so quickly, I should’ve trusted you a little bit more and explained myself better, be more patient and give you the time to understand my feelings and demanded to fix them immediately, without thinking you too had to adapt your own thoughts to mine. I was selfish too Jay.”

Jay looked at you with so much intensity and so fervently it suddenly made you feel small and naked under his eyes. He looked at you as if he wanted to get under your skin, he looked at you like a painter looks at his own work of art, like a sculptor looked at his own creation. He looked at you with so much love and sweetness this alone would’ve been enough to make you fall into a thousand pieces.

God, how much you missed the way he looked at you. As if you were the only one in the world, as if you were the most beautiful of the seven wonders of the world, as if you were everything his eyes wanted to see. This was what you missed, what you wanted: feeling like you were the only one for him.

“Don't slap me but I want to kiss you so fucking bad right now,” he whispered, fearing your reaction but at the same time unable to hold his tongue.

You let out a small chuckle through your tears as you dried them and straightened your back. You would’ve been lying if you said you didn't want him to jump on you.

“I'd like to see you try.”

“Oh don't tempt me sweetheart. I could make you squirm under me in less than five minutes if I wanted.”

Please just say yes baby.

You let out a louder laugh this time and threw one of the sofa cushions at him, especially because he was completely right and it wasn't something you wanted to find out at that moment.

He let out a mock cry of pain even though inside he was exploding with joy. He didn't know if it was more the fact you had thrown the pillow at him and actually jokes with him or because he finally heard you laugh. He was almost tempted to tickle you even though you hated it just so he could make you laugh and record the sound and set the recording as the ringtone on his cell phone.

Did he already say he loved you so fucking much he couldn't breathe?

“I'm scared Jay.” You whispered as the air became serious again. He moved closer to you and took your hand, drawing imaginary circles on its back with his thumb, a gesture he used to do to comfort you.

“I know, but I'll make it worth it. I never want to spend a day without you again, I’ll give you the world. I promise,” he whispered as his eyes caressed your face in a little dance, observing your features and every peculiarity of your beautiful skin. “I can't even tell you in words how much I love you Y/n. Just… Just tell me what you want and I'll give it to you. You want me to get on the roof and jump? I'll do it. Do you want me to blow up some buildings? Give me the address. I’m begging you…”

You chuckled again and he felt victorious for managing to make you smile again. He left out the part where he would actually do anything he just said.

“I love you to death Jay, more than you could ever imagine…” you murmured “And I'm so scared because if... If it doesn't work I won't be able to go through this again,” you paused for a second. “I don't have the strength. I never want to experience anything like that again, I would rather shoot myself.”

“No, no, no, no, this will never happen. There will never be an 'if it doesn't work' again. I'm here to stay and I want to make you the happiest you've ever been, please Y/n, I can't be without you anymore.”

He placed his free hand on your cheek and before your brain could even process it, your body had already responded and you found yourself leaning against his touch.

You looked at each other for few moments, still not believe all of this was real.

“I want us to take it slow. We went too fast the first rime we got together thinking we knew each other well because we were friends before. I want to know the real you, and I want you to really know me.”

“Yes, yes, yes, fuck yes, whatever you want baby,” he replied so quickly he embarrassed himself while he felt his heart beating so fast it was most likely going to explode.

“Or maybe it's better that we just be friends again. It seemed to work just fine,” you decided to tease him and the look of pure horror and shock that crossed his face was priceless. You so badly wished you could take a photo of him in that moment.

“I know you're taking the piss out of me right now, but you and I could never be friends again, never, ever, ever, again.”

“Why?”.

“You’re seriously asking me why? Have you heard any of the words I just said?” He raised an eyebrow and you shrugged, trying not to laugh. “Because there hasn’t been a single day where you were just a friend to me. I have loved you much longer than you’ll ever know baby, so no. Absolutely no friends.”

You bit your cheek to try and suppress a smile but it was in vain, Jay realized it before you could even try to hide it from him and he had to suppress the urge to kiss you right now and there.

“That's not what you should say when you're taking things slowly, you know?”.

He sighed. “You're going to torture me aren't you?”.

You nodded and his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree as they looked at you and he swore if you looked closely you could see his pupils had turned into a heart shape.

“Baby, I'd let you tie me naked to a pole and in the middle of a storm if that's what you wanted, don't even play with me right now.”

You laughed, your heart now lighter.

You didn't know if you were doing the right thing, if you had reacted hastily and without thinking but at that moment you didn't care. After all, that’s how love was: it was irrational, unconditional, vulnerable, overwhelming, it was messy. You couldn't just follow a plan or predict what to do.

You were aware you were taking an immense risk, that you were risking hurting yourself again in a deep and irreparable way but you wanted to have a little more faith in him. You had always wanted that intense love worthy of fairy tales and you knew he was the only one who’d be able to give it to you even if it meant facing the unknown and the possibility of suffering again.

And the more you looked at Jay, the more you were convinced this was a risk you were willing to take.

General tag list: @hngbrooks, @alexxavicry, @mrspeacem1nusone, @halstead-severide-fan, @allivzs, @omniaimy, @cursedashes

Jay Halstead tag list: @burgstead, @bebataylor84, @ares-kelani-wayn, @ixna-mikaelsxn, @sande5098, @smoothdogsgirl, @withakindheartx, @jess2013, @maddu-oliveira, @lovemesomepietro, @onechicagodrawings, @jinxtan18, @ready-hit-it, @rainroo2, @tinfoilhat2719, @upsteadlovingheart, @nevaehstreater18, @sophiatellerrhodes, @dedlund82, @kellykidd, @rippl3s, @stephanie708, @annahargrove, @smutlOver, @kuroe-san, @caroldanverwife, @baby, @nosy09, @luvreading67, @danielmarie, @saiyuo12, @nachodaze, @waywardhunter95, @deanstead, @fighterkimburgess, @ephemeral314, @mads-weasley, @itskellysev, @lovemedlife, @atarmychick007, @amazedbyitall, @glodessa, @xeleni-dutchnurse, @ossypooh, @itriedtoexplain, @randomwriter1021, @averyhotchner, @ellavanderberg, @mrshalsteadxx, @junevoidzombie, @nocturnalherb16, @croissantthief, @jayhalsteadsbadge, @youngblood199456, @dreamss-wavess, @halsteadloversworld, @laaaauuraaaaa, @firerusher, @itserickalove, @23victoria, @slytherlight, @goingwiththewind, @notanordinaryprincess95, @cadyfanninger, @acewritesfics, @iloveest, @instantpizzacat, @wickedlovely121, @hart-kinsella, @novabckly

Click here to be added to the tag list ❤️

Main Masterlist

Jay Halstead Masterlist

Support me on Ko-Fi ☕️

Side blog -> @halsteadloverslibrary

This man should come with a warning ⚠️

🤰🏻