Civilian: Oh, Spider-Man! I Thought I Was Going To Die For Sure! Please, Have Anything, On The House!

Civilian: Oh, Spider-Man! I thought I was going to die for sure! Please, have anything, on the house!

Peter: Uh, I don't think I can...

Civilian: Please, as a thank you?

Peter: I-I really can't. I'm uh.. hormones.. I'm pregnant.

Civilian: Oh. Uh, congratulations..? Is it a boy or a girl?

Peter: Uhm, a spider. The father's a, uh, a daddy—daddy long legs.

Clint: Happy Father's day!

Peter: I hope my father's happy from 6 feet below, I wonder what entertainment he has down there.

Pepper: Peter, what did we say about the dead family jokes? I'm afraid that'll be a cause for another appointment— Tony, why do you look like that?

Tony, shrugging as he drinks his coffee: I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on me. He’s not just dead, he's also very condescending.

Scott, under his breath, scheduling an appointment for both of them: Jesus Christ, like father like son, apparently.

Peter: Yes, we are in the shit. No, we never give up.

Tony: Peter, you have a stAB WOUND AND YOU'RE LITERALLY BLEEDING OUT RIGHT NOW, PLEASE GET OFF THE DAMN CEILING—

Tony: So, I was recently enlightened.

Pepper, sighing: What now, Tony?

Tony: I learned that you can Thor-honest sue someone for the "loss of enjoyment of life", and boy, DO I HAVE A FUCKING LIST.

Steve: Happy Wednesday, everyone!

Peter: Wait, it's Wednesday?

Tony: It is Wednesday, underoos.

Peter: What happened to Tuesday?

Tony: I believe that was yesterday.

Peter: What? Why? How??

Loki, out of nowhere: By the progression of time, I'd assume, spiderling.

Tony: Alright, everyone. Remember to come dressed to kill for tonight!

*later*

Tony: Peter, why are you wearing an all black attire with a balaclava mask– wAIT WHY DO YOU HAVE A BODY BAG—