SHATTERED DREAMSa Nikolai Lantsov Drabble Exploring The Inner Conflict Between Love And Duty

SHATTERED DREAMS  a Nikolai Lantsov drabble exploring the inner conflict between love and duty 

❛ I’m sorry. ❜ Nikolai utters in the darkness as he’s leaning on the banister of the balcony. 

It seems he had spoken to the stars but, no, he’d spoken to the Sun. To Alina Starkov whom he knows has just walked in on him staring at the night sky. She needed a breather from the ball, he assumes. He’d recognize her footsteps amongst thousands. A skill that stems from his military training and his time serving in the infantry but also their time spent together traveling across Ravka and bringing hope to the people. 

❛ Pursuing you while your heart was somewhere else was disrespectful. ❜ He’d added on, turning to look at her. She looked absolutely stunning yet out of place and he was yet again feeling that pit in his stomach. 

He’d looked away, leaning back against the banister, unable to meet her gaze in his guilt. How could I do this to her? She doesn’t want any of this. How could he have thought of ever making her his Queen? Part of him was glad she had given him the Lantsov emerald back. 

Alina wasn’t meant for any of this. Saints! Even himself, sometimes, doesn’t want to be part of any of this. 

Sometimes –more often than he would admit– Nikolai Lantsov would long to be a simple man. He often dreamed of the days when he was just a boy. Days where he still had the illusion he was allowed to fancy and love whoever he wishes. 

His gaze falls on the guards patrolling down in the courtyard. One in particular. Isaak Andreyev. Isaya. A healthy constant in his life who’d managed to survive to this day. They’d barely spoken since he’d returned to the palace. Sure, Nikolai had been busy but the young king was also purposely keeping his distance. He couldn’t risk his feelings for his dear friend getting in the way of his great plan for Ravka. It didn’t mean his heart wasn’t breaking every step of the way, though. 

He exhales in a way that feels painful, as if he was injured. Alina hasn’t said a word and he somehow finds the courage to look at her. She stands by his side now and studies him, intently. 

Saints! When did she get so close? How long did he stare at Isaak? Cannot be THAT long, right?? It doesn’t matter. She’s here. So close, her shoulder brushes against his as he straightens to have a better look at the other one that got away. 

She knows he’s got more on his mind. She’s patiently waiting for him to unburden his soul. 

He indulges her. 

❛ As royalty, i do not have the luxury to choose whom I will marry. This choice will always be stripped away from me in favor of an alliance, in favor of Ravka, my very first love. For once, it finally felt like I had that choice, and in my—— enthusiasm, I ended up disregarding your feelings for Mal and his for you and it wasn’t respectful. And whilst I hope you can forgive me, I know that forgiveness is only for you to grant and no one else, Alina. ❜

Nikolai counts his heartbeats. One. Two. Three. Four—

Alina’s voice finally breaks the night. 

❛ I will forgive you, Nikolai Lantsov, on one condition… ❜ She begins before turning on her heels and leaving his side.

Nikolai, who has been hanging onto her every word, turns around to watch her as she walks back inside—— No. He finds it’s not the case. She stopped in the doorway.

He raises a brow. ❛ On what condition? ❜

❛ That you marry for love. ❜  

She smiles and his heart skips a beat. For a moment, he’s certain it’s daybreak already. Impossible. No. Improbable. Because it’s rarely dark when Alina Starkov is around. It gets dark when she says it does.

Then, reality catches up to him. He cannot promise something like that. He’s a king. His heart is bound by duty. Duty to Ravka.  

❛ I won’t make promises I cannot keep, Alina. ❜

It hurts him to even speak the words. He doubts love is even possible for him. So far, he’d only known unrequited love or one so toxic it had left permanent damages. He knows Isaak is neither, though. Isaak is good. Perhaps too good for him. He deserves someone who could be there for him the way King Nikolai Lantsov could never be. He cannot let him become another Dominik. Another sacrifice. Like his first love Dominik, Isaak was no ordinary friend. He was the one good thing that had come out of Halmhend. He was Hope. And much like his beloved Sun Saint, he reminded him of why he had been fighting so hard to make this world a better place for the people. The young king had seen many people die but Isaak had survived it all somehow. He had become a constant in his life. He was the phoenix rising from the ashes war had left in its wake. Just knowing he was alive somewhere brought him a sense of comfort like no other. And to say he wasn’t longing for his embrace would be a lie. Quite frankly, this constant tug of war between duty and heart’s desire was as painful as it was exhausting. But it had to remain. Ravka would always come first and his heart would always be aching for a closeness that couldn’t be.  

Alina shakes her head in disapproval and walks up to him again. 

❛ Nikolai, I see how you look at him— ❜ 

❛ I’m married to my country. ❜ He insists, knowing it is part of the truth. 

❛ Oh, please! Ravka is hardly a loving partner. ❜

❛ Ravka has her flaws, I’ll admit. ❜ He agrees with a slow nod. ❛ Which is why she demands my undivided attention. ❜

Alina sighs in exasperation. ❛ Do you want my forgiveness or not? ❜

❛ Yes, but— ❜

❛ Then do as I say. ❜

❛ Your request is unreasonable. ❜ He counters. He’s quick to suggest some other alternative. ❛ Are you sure you don’t want a mansion instead? Could be a lovely home for you and Mal and the kiddo and that cat you just adopted. Honestly, at that rate, you two are gonna need a mansion if you keep adopting all the orphans —humans or pets— you find. ❜ 

A fond roll of her eyes is all he gets for an answer before she stands in his way as he attempts to get inside to avoid the real conversation. Now, it’s his turn to sigh.  

❛ You’re insufferable, you know that? ❜

❛ I learned from the best. ❜ She says, holding his gaze, hands on her hips. 

He cannot help but smile at that. ❛ The best student I ever had. ❜

❛ I’m the only student you’ve ever had. ❜

❛ True. ❜ He admits with a smirk. ❛ But the best nonetheless. ❜

❛ Flattery won’t distract me. ❜

❛ Well, that’s unfortunate. I was hoping to save myself from another lecture about love, marriage and whatnot. ❜

Alina smiles, stepping forward. And he does something that surprises him: he takes a step back. There’s something about her, in this very moment, that reminds him of her stance when she faced Aleksander in the Fold.   

❛ Perhaps i haven’t made myself clear… I am quite disappointed in you, my king. ❜

Nikolai opens his mouth and, for once in his lifetime, no word comes out. He ultimately presses his lips together once more. Something stirs inside him at this display of dominance. He could swear the night grew darker all of a sudden. He locks gaze with her. Her brown eyes appear a few shades lighter, almost silvery somehow, which doesn’t make any sense considering there is barely any light around them. 

❛ Sasha..? ❜ 

Nikolai’s voice is but a whisper in the darkness. Fear and hope intertwined. No, this can’t be— Aleksander died in the Fold. Alina defeated him. You were there. You saw it. They burned his corpse, he cannot be—

Alina blinks, stepping backwards. ❛ What did you just call me? How— How do you know his name? ❜ She glances around. They’re completely alone. No sign of another presence. 

❛ Never mind. ❜ Nikolai breathes out, gesturing for her to forget what had just happened. 

He hadn’t realized he’d been holding his breath. What was he expecting? That Aleksander was really somewhat alive and possessing the Sun Summoner? That would’ve been a nightmare. And yet, some part of him aches to see the man once more. And he hates it.  

Alina shakes her head. ❛ No. Tell me… ❜  She snatches his wrist as he attempts to flee the scene. ❛ Did you find out when he turned you into a demon? ❜ 

Long before that, he thinks. But he doesn’t say. He can’t say. Can’t admit it. Can’t make it real. 

❛ Alina, please… ❜ 

Now, he’s pleading, begging for her to let that go. To let him go. Her touch doesn’t bring him the comfort it used to. It’s cold. Like never before. Like someone he knew, someone he wishes to forget… He shakes his head. No, he argues with himself. It’s just in your head. This is Alina. Her fingers are cold because it’s cold outside. But he’s still not convinced. There’s just something about the touch he can’t quite shake. He shudders. He wants her to let go, but he still cannot bring himself to yank his hand out of hers. 

Silence lingers between them. Eventually, Alina lets him go. He quickly finds the quietness of his room. His sanctuary. The only room where he gets to be utterly himself. He takes off his gloves, staring down at the only permanent damages Aleksander did to him. Or, at least, the last of many that is actually visible. The rest, he keeps hidden. 

He runs a shaky hand into his golden hair before pouring himself a small glass of kvas. Unlike someone he once knew too well, he hates the drink. But it’s the first bottle he managed to grab. 

He drinks it all in one go. He needs it. This is too much for one night. They won, Aleksander died, Alina killed him, she got her happy ending and, unlike her, Nikolai won’t ever get to marry for love and it seems his past is coming back to haunt him in the form of hallucinations. Because, apparently, the nightmares weren’t enough. His past had to torment him in his waking hours as well.  

Perhaps that’s why he loves Ravka so much. He, too, knows what it’s like to have been shattered both by war and Aleksander Morozova.

couronnez​: 

The fine Italian restaurant he has chosen for the occasion is just perfect for a date an apologetic invite to drink a cup of coffee turned dinner, the view breathtaking through the tall windows, city lights glimmering in the distance.

❝ Only every now and then. The food is excellent but I don’t have the time to eat out. ❞

If she knew more about his eating habits, she’d be devastated, he figured because Vasily doubts anyone manages to eat more junk than he does. He is lean and athletic, his build does not betray him. Broad shoulders, narrow hips, a muscular chest. The picture perfect portray of a Lantsov as his mother used to say.

❝ Please, pick whatever you’d like. The pasta is phenomenal. ❞

He returns her smile, easily summoning as much charm as he can muster while studying the menu himself. He finds himself leaning towards Seafood. Cozze? Or rather vongole? A waiter passes them by and Vasily makes a quick gesture, stopping the man in track.

❝ Could we get a bottle of Verdicchio, please? ❞

This wasn’t at all the coffee experience she expected. Is she disappointed though? Hell no! Every dish on the card looks absolutely exquisite. Even the seafood. She isn’t gonna eat any though. That would take her breath away, literally, and Vasily’s doing a great job at that already. That smile… Does he give it to all his interns? she cannot help wondering. While he asks the waiter for a bottle of wine, Ehri plunges her hand in her purse, pulling out a pill box, which she displays on the table. That way i won’t forget, she thinks. Usually, she puts an alarm on her phone but she didn’t want to disturb the date whole restaurant so she turned it off before entering the place.

❛ Absolutely. And what will we be serving you tonight to accompany such fine wine?❜ The waiter barely looks at the man. His gaze is all on the pretty brunette sitting across.  

❛ I would like a paccheri al forno, please. ❜ Ehri says, smiling at him as she puts down the card on the table. Then, she purses her lips together as she closes the menu. ❛ Um, just to be sure—— There’s no seafood in it, right? I’m allergic. I mean, it’s fine if people eat it around me, I just can’t ingest it myself. ❜ She wanted to make sure Vasily understood he could eat the seafood if he wanted, it’s just that she wouldn’t be joining him or kissing him after.

❛ No, madam. No seafood in this dish. I guarantee you it is a safe option.❜ The waiter smiles at her. The kind of smile that lets you know they are interested in knowing you, personally. That’s a bold move to do when the person you’re trying to flirt with is clearly on a date but, oh well, bold doesn’t mean wise. ❛ May i add it is a great choice. You won’t be disappointed. ❜ 

Ehri is completely oblivious. She just thinks he’s being helpful and polite, like a good waiter. ❛ Well, thank you. So far, i’m very satisfied with my experience. ❜ Another smile. A polite one. Nothing flirtatious about that but the waiter seems to read something else. Again, she’s totally oblivious. ❛ Oh! i’ll have a carafe of water as well, please. I tend to get thirsty when i’m nervous. ❜ Did she just say that last bit out loud? Yep. You did, her brain confirms as it replays the scene. Dammit. She wants to facepalm herself right now but that wouldn’t help make it less awkward. Instead, she settles for a nervous laugh while the waiter turns to Vasily, asking him his order.  

i’m feeling grateful for all of you. i’ve grown so much as a writer in the last few years on this website. interacting with y’all gave me the confidence to begin writing my very own fantasy novel in december 2022 as a love letter to my queer self and my friends who never felt properly represented in books and medias. rping on here gave me a safe space to tell the stories i wish i had seen or read about growing up. and it’s been quite healing. and i’m grateful to every single one of you who followed me on this journey. love y’all <333

finaly watching good omens for the first time! aziraphale having fun pretending to be a magician when he can do actual magic is ADORABLE

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