Vlog #9

Vlog #9

This came to mind just today. I don't know how long I have been aware of it but I see a problem and I'll find a solution.

*

I'm really thinking that if I don't seem to want to read my own things anymore... Maybe it was simply never good. Maybe I was just on self-hype.

Or this is just another outing for the frustration I feel for not being able to write.

5 YEARS

5 Years of taking month breaks but going back to it. But now...

Nothing.

Silence. It's like everything else has done so much interference with this radio signal that I can't even seem to remember what dial I was in.

It makes me really fucking sad. I loved doing this.

Now I just don't feel like the juice is there anymore. Or I just can't press from where there's barely nothing.

I'm tired. No matter how much the inner lover in me wants to get motivated. This body, this load of daily things have all my energy and the one I don't have.

Today I didn't want to stand from bed. I didn't even have that big of a list... But.

I need a new way with things. This is making me miserable.

Vlog #10

I

MISS

WRITING

SO

FUCKING

MUCH

Vlog #6

Wanting to start a skincare routine but never doing it has my skin dry.

I'll be a dry grapefruit (una pasa) when I'm 40 and I'll have to own up to it.

Because why is it so many steps and why do I have to use my hands to touch creams and stuff. I get tired just by that, to much stimuli. My brain doesn't want to go through all that process I think...

But hey. Excel budgeting sheets are so freckin great from another hand. I love them.

😭😭😭😭 Please

You might get uninspired, but you will always become inspired again. You might fall off track, but you will always pull yourself up and give it another try. You might feel far behind, but you will look back and see all of the progress you’ve already made. Life is filled with highs and lows. They dance with each other in harmony, and lead you to exactly where you need to go. Let the waves teach you and guide you.

girl help i’m having creation ideas above my skill level

i'm boycotting hybe merch and i think you should too

listen: i'm not going to hold anyone's feet to the fire and say "boycott or else" and i am not going to unfollow or unfriend people, but i have been thinking a lot about this, and then i saw a post on twitter basically outlining everything that i have been mulling over & then some, and it has just been on my mind all day (and tbh for a few days) and i thought that maybe if i put these thoughts out into the world, it might get people thinking.

i also realize that these thoughts would have been better if realized before black friday and current merch drops, but it is what it is. i didn't even know they were doing another merch drop because i do not pay attention.

THE AFOREMENTIONED THOUGHTS; APOLOGIES FOR BEING SCATTERED:

we are witnessing the starbucks boycott working, and although it is yet to be stated whether that is making anyone on the upper level rethink their bullshit, they have been losing billions !!! of dollars.

i think people will be like "but i don't want to hurt BTS as people," and i hear that, but i also do not genuinely think a boycott would. they are literally fucking millionaires, and it is so hard to not get on my "i don't respect millionaires or believe they have the right to exist" soapbox when i do love them so much, but i also don't think they need our money, especially right now. especially because some (if not most) money can't go to them while they are in the military anyway (although i did see something about how the artist collection proceeds still might since it was initially sold before??? idk. still they are fucking millionaires.)

i think that what would be impactful would be for people to stop buying the merch for a while to send a message to hybe that we are not in support of zionists working with BTS. a romantic, faraway dream is for them to drop scooter braun's dumbass all together, but i do not genuinely think hybe or bang pd gives a shit about much beyond money, which is unfortunate. on this note tho, we could organize an email campaign??? i am more than down??? but it would depend on a lot of you participating. (if you're down tho i will type it up right away.)

do i think we need to boycott golden as a whole? no. i mean........i'm not buying the album because i have personally been more or less boycotting merch since the whole angel pt. 1 debacle, but i think that streams are fine bc they hardly bring in money anyway. but i am boycotting the justin timberlake and usher remixes because.......well, sorry but the favs are problematic.

[going to center myself and my feelings quick and i apologize...] i just cannot get through a day without sobbing uncontrollably about what is happening in gaza. and i cannot, in good faith, support zionists or people who work with them. this falls in line with BTS preaching for us to "love yourself, speak yourself." everything they have stated in UN speeches and in many of their lyrics makes me feel like the only thing i can do as a fan is stand up for injustices when i see them, and hybe working with zionists is a huge injustice. and if you disagree.......idk. i cannot sympathize with or understand you; this post is not for you.

i think it is a huge injustice to what BTS instills in people and makes them believe if we sit back while hybe does whatever the fuck they want without caring about the consequences.

(disney is also on the list, by the way, of companies that support israel. if you need illegal links to disney+ bts content, we can figure something out.)

also, i will say that while silence is violence and choosing neutrality is choosing the side of the oppressor, i wonder if the reason none of the guys are speaking out about the conflict has to do with their enlistment (aka something pertaining to matters i do not understand within the korean government) or within the company itself because they work with scooter et al (aka bang telling them to stay quiet.) whatever the reason is, i guess i am choosing the side of wishful thinking right now. i have absolutely no proof for any of these thoughts, but i do see some people angry at BTS for not speaking up, and while i agree that everyone should use their platforms, i am wondering aloud whether there might be a reason for it. this is not me making excuses for anyone, though........i just don't know. i have no idea.

SOME FINAL FINAL THOUGHTS:

at the end of the day, we can only do what we can. if you can only boycott so much, you can only boycott so much. it takes time and effort to radicalize to the point of cutting out so many unnecessary things what we deem as "necessary." but it is possible. your money does make a difference, and wouldn't you want that difference to be good? and if you do have a moment of weakness, it is important to continue to stay the path and do not let guilt make you feel one way or another. we all make mistakes but the important thing is that we try.

ALSO if you want cute merch, support independent artists!!!!!!!!! the BTS army is full of amazing creatives and your money can help them for a little while instead!!!

i might be missing a lot, like i said, my brain is super scattered. but if this resonates or speaks to you or there is more i should consider, please reach out.