Cheshyhooks - Just A Messed Up Person Who's Been On Here 9 Years

have had this corbin song on repeat in this bitter ass indiana cold so i had 2 sample it ♡ instrumental is from “take the blame so i don’t have to” by spooky black (x)

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don’t trust the angels 

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["By the time I reached adulthood, I had developed a mask that hid my discomfort with my gender. I could attract women by exuding highly practiced masculinity. With my children, I was the father who demanded their best, and who would not tolerate misbehavior. I would have preferred instead to be the nurturing one, who told them there was no one else in the world like them. But I did what was expected.

The main effect throughout my adult years was a steadily increasing discomfort with my place in the social world. The sorts of friendships I seemed to form with other men tended not to be satisfying. With women, it was often easier. They were more likely to be comfortable with allowing an emotional vulnerability that I'd found much rarer in men. However, approaching women for friendship as a married man proved fraught with awkwardness. Misread intentions abounded despite my best attempts at sincerity, and suspicious nature overwhelmingly won out over willingness to connect as friends.

Entry into my fifties drove me finally to seek the source of my struggles and pursue relief. That year, I summed up my goal in two words: fit in. The more I examined my life and resolved to know myself better, the more my explorations became increasingly focused on gender.

As I put together the puzzle pieces, the picture slowly emerged that I was transgender. Movies and books that featured females fascinated me. The company of women calmed and comforted me, whereas the company of men made me uneasy. And from my teens on, I discovered a fascination with having a woman's body. It galled me to the point of pain that I would never experience the sensation of breasts or female genitals. When I fantasized about being a woman. a feeling of wonder and amazement overtook me, placing womanhood on par with a lottery win or landing my dream job.

My understanding of being transgender is that I have a structure in my brain that really wants me to be female. Some would say that means I'm female and have always been female. But my gender is the sum of my experiences, my physical being, how people see me, how I see myself, and the role I'm accustomed to play. I've lived for more than fifty years as a male. I've been a father for more than eighteen years, was a husband for twenty years (until transition shattered our marriage), and was looked up to as a male schoolteacher by generations of students. Did I think I could erase that in three short years by taking pills and asking everyone to call me by a new name, however feminine and beautiful?

(...) My new gender therapist was the one calm spot in this maelstrom of longing and change. She told me we all experience our transness in different ways. I am no less transgender, no less deserving of a satisfying transition than the four-year-old who begs his mother for a dress. The person who can say, "I wish I were a woman" need not allow herself to be eclipsed by those who say "I've always been a woman." There is no one right way to be transgender and no one way to transition. I understood that people whose gender doesn't fit neatly into the binary boxes of "male" and "female" are still entitled to transition into the presentation in which we are comfortable. Being nonbinary does not mean we need to be content to sit on the sidelines and cheer on others as they transform their lives."]

Suzi Chase, from Not Content On The Sidelines, from Non-binary: Memoirs of Gender and Identity, edited by Micah Rajunov and Scott Duane, Columbia University Press, 2019