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the sun kissed him

ivory | writer | 18+

808 posts

First Love | 18

Word: 3.8k

Beta reader: jinned

You first saw him in the multi-purpose room. Later learn his name, and on your third year, as he becomes your neighbor, you discover his lifestyle. Knowing your crush on him was nothing but that, you wanted to find the courage to look for love. Asking your friend for help, you’re pointed in the direction of the expert. Your neighbor, Min Yoongi

Chapter Index

You lie in bed, staring up at the ceiling as the hum of the air conditioner fills the silence. The scenes play in your head over and over again. The first time you tried to say those three words to Hanbin. The second time you tried. The third time. Groaning, you turn to your side to face the wall. No matter how many times you try to say it, the words never leave past your lips. It’s like there’s glue in your throat, and the words can’t make it past the substance. It sucks and you’ve never felt so confused. Why can’t you say it? Do you not feel it yet?

Maybe you should wait until you know, but when do you know? When do you know that Hanbin is the love of your life? How does all this work?

You ponder for a while before giving up on trying to nap, so you get out of bed and make your way towards your desk, pulling out your textbook and notebook to work on your homework. Even as you try and focus on the question in front of you, your thoughts refuse to concentrate on anything but the lingering question you don’t want to think about. You groan, shaking your head as you try and bring your attention back to the question you haven’t answered after staring at it for ten minutes.

“Focus, Y/N. Now is not the time to question your feelings,” you mumble to yourself, adjusting in your seat. Those thoughts don’t leave. It lingers and pesters, hovering at the back of your mind like a pest. You don’t hear the lock to the door unlocking, or Ari walk in and begin to talk when you toss your pencil in frustration and cry out, “I can’t say it.”

“Can’t say what?” Ari asks as the door closes behind her, the sound of her footsteps making its way across the room towards her desk.

“I can’t say ”I love you“ to Hanbin,” you confess, resting your forehead against the cool surface in front of you, homework long forgotten.

Ari’s quiet for a moment, taking in what you had just told her. “Maybe you don’t feel it yet?”

“That’s the thing,” you begin, sitting up and looking towards her, “I don’t think I’m ever going to love Hanbin like I hope I will.”

She frowns in confusion, cocking her head slightly to the side. “What do you mean?”

You avert your eyes as you reply, “No matter how hard I try and forget him, I can’t.”

“Y/N…”

“What I feel for Hanbin doesn’t compare to what I feel for Yoongi.” You finally look up to meet her somber expression. “And I hate that. I hate the fact that I can’t forget him.”

“What are you going to do?” she questions.

“What do you mean?”

She adjusts in her seat, draping one leg over the other. “If Yoongi stood in front of you right now, could you tell him what you can’t tell Hanbin?”

You open your mouth to give your response, but you say nothing. What you want to tell her doesn’t feel right, but what you really feel should not be what you’re feeling. You need to follow your head not your heart. However, your heart is louder than your thoughts, and as you open your mouth to answer, you feel at ease wanting to say it. “I–”

A knock at the door interrupts your answer. The knocks are quick and loud, desperate for someone to open the door so that the person behind the door can see you. Making your way towards the door, you grab the handle, twist and pull the door open. Hanbin stands on the other side, hair disheveled and out of breath.

“Hey,” he says, voice wheezy as his chest heaves.

“Are you okay?” you ask him, seeing drops of sweat fall from his temples.

“Let’s go on a walk?”

“A walk?” you ask with a frown. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

He nods, waving your question off with his hand. “You up for a walk? I gotta tell you something.”

You bite the inside of your cheeks before nodding. “Let me grab my phone and then we’ll go.” He nods, looking relieved that you agreed to go on this walk with him. Letting the door go as he holds it open, you walk towards your desk to grab your phone and bag containing your wallet and ID. You look to Ari. “I’ll be back,” you tell her. She nods in response as you turn back around and make your way out of your room, following Hanbin down the hall and towards the side exit. “Is everything okay?” you question again, leaving the building and making your way down the stairs.

When the two of you reach the ground floor, he takes your hand in his delicately as the two of you begin your walk out of the dorm parking lot and onto the sidewalk, down the slope and along the route the bus and shuttle takes heading towards campus. “Yeah, I just…” You feel him grip your hand. “I need to tell you something before you find out and you think of something different.”

You stop, forcing him to stop and face you. “What do you mean?” He looks at you with soft, confused eyes. “What happened?” you ask.

“Lynn transferred here,” he confesses, looking away in shame.

“Your ex?” He nods. You know Hanbin, and you know he would never cheat on you, but you know that Lynn is his first love–the girl he was torn about when they ended their relationship because doing long distance was hard. They didn’t end on bad terms. “How do you feel?”

“If I’m going to be honest… I’m confused.” He meets your gaze again. “I thought that since she’s on the other side of the world, I’d be fine and move on. I meet you and I feel like I can move on.” He hangs his head. “But then she shows up and it’s like those feelings never left, and the worst part is I’m fighting something I wish I wasn’t.”

You take his other hand in your free one, swallowing a lump in your throat. “If Lynn,” you begin, taking in a deep breath, “were standing here right now, would things make more sense?”

His eyes look hurt when you ask that. “Y/N–”

“That day at the bus stop,” you interrupt, shifting the weight in your legs, heart racing, “I was going to tell you something, but I couldn’t.”

“What was it?” he asks, voice soft and comforting.

You want to cry, and you almost do when your voice cracks as you say, “I wanted to tell you that I love you, but I couldn’t.” You attempt to clear your throat. “I don’t think I can say it.” You can’t stop the sob escaping past your lips, or the tears rolling down your cheeks. “I’m sorry, Hanbin,” you cry, releasing his hands as you wipe the tears away. “I’m trying so hard, but I can’t.” He takes you in his arms, holding you tight and close. “I’m sorry–I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, Y/N,” he comforts, rubbing his hand up and down your back.

You shake your head. “It’s not fine. I want to love you, but I can't,” you sob into his shoulder. “You’re perfect and everything someone could ever want, but I don’t feel that way–I keep thinking maybe if I wait longer, I’ll feel it, but I don’t want to drag you along if I never feel it.”

“Y/N,” he begins, holding you tighter, “I feel the same way.” You separate yourself from him just a bit, your eyes meeting. “I care for you, and I have feelings for you, but”–he releases his grip around you and cups your cheeks–“I don’t want to drag you either.”

“You’re still in love with Lynn,” you whisper.

You can see in his eyes that he looks hurt and conflicted. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I’ve tried so hard to not fall back in love, but when I heard she was coming back the feelings lingered. Then when I saw her and it’s like those feelings never left.”

You shake your head, brushing your hand along his cheek as he let’s yours go. “She has your heart, and it’s not fair to stop you.”

His eyes glisten. “Who has your heart?” You’re quiet, afraid to answer because you’re not fully sure if he does. “Yoongi?”

Your eyes widen. “How…”

“The way you look at him and how you try so hard to avoid him, I figured he has yours in some way,” he replies, giving a small, sad smile. A smile you've never seen before. A smile that hurts you to look at. “Do you love him?”

It’s your turn to look away, head hanging. “I don’t know. I-I’ve had feelings for him for years, but I don’t know if it’s love.”

He lifts your head with his finger under your chin. “Well if he was right here, could you say it?”

There it is. The question asked for the second time today. When Ari asked you, you were sure of your answer. Now you’re confused–conflicted because you don’t know. You’re comparing Yoongi and Hanbin–comparing their personalities, attitudes and the little things they do differently. Hanbin is winning by a landslide, but you can’t say those three words to him. Can you say it to Yoongi?

“I-” You don’t know.

“Tell him how you feel, Y/N. Even if you don’t love him, it’s best to tell him what you feel because you’ll regret it if you don’t,” he tells you.

You can’t help but ask, “What does that mean for us?”

He smiles. This smile makes you cry. “You’ve made me so happy and I’m glad to have gotten to know you. You’re an amazing person, Y/N, and if Yoongi doesn’t see it, then he’s not worth it. Always know that you are beautiful and worth everything you don’t think you deserve. I hope you find your happiness.”

You choke back a sob as you reply, “I hope you find happiness, too. Lynn is a lucky person to have your heart.”

He chuckles. “I just hope something rekindles.”

You nod. “It will. She loves you, and I’m sure she’s waiting for you to go back to her.”

He wraps his arms around you once more and holds you tight as you cry in his arms. It’s after a few minutes that you finally stop crying and he releases you. “Want me to walk you back?”

You nod, taking his hand as you walk the short walk back to your dorm one last time. You can’t believe it’s over. This relationship that almost made it to one year is ending because your hearts don’t belong to each other. Why is life cruel? Why can’t you love him like you want to? Why are your feelings stronger for Yoongi? His heart doesn’t belong to you–he loves Sam. That cheater holds him close to her and you hate it. You hate feeling this way and not loving Hanbin.

This is crap.

The two of you stop at the gate of the dorms, holding each other’s hand tightly. “I love you, Y/N. I wish I could love you the way I want to.” He smiles, brushing his thumb along your skin.

You smile back. “I love you, too.” The two of you lean forward and press your lips against each other for the last time. Taking in the feeling and warmth he gives before the two of you separate.

“I’ll always be here if you need me,” he tells you, releasing your hand. You nod, watching him walk the way you two came from.

You want to cry, but you won’t. Instead you take in a deep breath and head towards your dorm. Out of everything you’ve experienced from this relationship, you’ll care and learn from it. Whatever happens next, you won’t let it be less than what you had with Hanbin. You won’t let anything push you around and make you feel small and scared.

When you unlock your door and enter the room, Ari is working at her desk, her body turning around to face you. She can see the red in your eyes as the door closes behind you. She gets to her feet and walks over towards you. “What happened?”

You smile as best you can. “We broke up.”

Her eyes widened in shock. Just like you, she isn’t expecting that. “What? What happened within those thirty minutes?”

You shake your head. “I’ll explain later, but for now”–You stand straight–“is Hoseok in his room?”

“Yeah,” she answers. “Why?”

“I need to talk to Yoongi.” Turning around, you exit the room and walk across the hall where Yoongi and Hoseok’s room is.

“Holy shit, Y/N. Are you sure?” Ari asks, holding the door open as she stands in the doorway.

You knock on the door, heart racing. “It’s now or never.” You two wait for a few seconds in silence when the door opens to reveal Hoseok.

“Y/N,” he begins, smiling wide until it fades, “are you okay?”

You ignore his question, asking, “Is Yoongi here?”

Hoseok shakes his head, glancing at Ari behind you. “He’s in the studio in the Music Building on campus,” he informs.

You give a simple nod, clutching your bag, double checking in your thoughts to make sure you have everything you need before running down the hall and out the building. “Good luck!” you can hear Ari call as the door closes and you jog down the steps, careful not to trip.

Reaching the ground floor, you see off into the distance the shuttle taking off. “No,” you groan, picking up your speed until you reach the sidewalk. Looking to your left, you notice a familiar bus parked by a restaurant and bus stop. You walk to the bus stop a bit away to your right. You suppose you’ll have to wait for the bus driver to get off break and head to the stop you’re waiting at.

You take your phone out of your bag and pull up a map of the campus. Where is this building located? Is it close to the buildings you’re familiar with? Is it on the lower side of campus? After a minute of searching, you find the building’s location, just as the bus pulls to a stop in front of you. You pull out your bus card, climb in, and press your card to the scanner. When you hear the beeping sound, you take the first seat available.

You’re scared. You’re scared as the bus drives closer and closer to the campus, taking no stops to pick anyone up. Your heart is racing and your palms are beginning to sweat as you clutch your phone tightly. You can’t do this–this is so dumb. Yoongi will think you’re stupid and you’ll look like a complete idiot for telling him something you’re confused about.

What do you do? Do you go to him and do it anyway? Do you get off the bus and wait for the next one to take you back to your dorms? What are you going to do?

The bus comes to a stop at the second bus stop on campus. When did you get here so quickly? You stand up and wait for some of the students to find their seat before walking off. This is the stop closest to where his building is. Right now, after you cross the street, you can either continue down the path that’ll lead you to the lower level of campus, or wait for the shuttle or bus to take you back.

What are you going to do?

Go forward? Wait here?

What are you doing?

Pick. Pick, Y/N.

When the signal turns green for you to cross the small road, your feet are running. You’re running down the pathway and towards Yoongi. If you stop–if you let yourself think, you’ll back down. You’ll give up and go back never knowing what he’ll say. Even when it’s a denial, at least you know how he feels rather than guessing and being left in the dark.

Right?

When you finally find the building, your heart is racing. You wonder if it’s from running or because you’re scared. You can’t think about it. If you do, you’ll quit and leave, and you don’t want to go back not knowing. After asking for directions, you take the elevator to the fourth floor. You feel like you’re going to throw up as the doors open to the fourth floor, an opening before you were chairs and desks line the walls with a few students sitting and studying in silence. Taking in a deep breath as you step out of the elevator, you look left and right down the halls, both lined with doors of what you assumed are studio rooms.

You don’t know which side he’s on, so you start right and begin to read all the names currently occupying the room. Left and right you don’t find his name, and the closer you get to down the hall, the more you feel yourself wanting to give up. You’re going to take the fact that you went right instead of left as fate telling you not to do this. And so as you get closer to the end of the hall, you’re accepting destiny faster than you thought you would. As the last two doors appear, you check both of them.

You almost trip from trying to turn around when you see his name. You really thought he wasn’t going to be down this hall, yet there’s his name. His name written in his handwriting plastered on the whiteboard next to the black door. You curse under your breath. He’s here. He’s on the other side of this door, waiting for you to spill your guts about everything.

You breathe, “Don’t think just go. Don’t think, just go.” Shaking off your nerves, you walk towards the door, twist the knob open and enter the room. You really didn’t think before entering. You didn’t think about who could possibly be in here–if he’s alone. You didn’t think. But to your luck it’s just Yoongi who is currently standing at a table of equipment you don’t know well enough.

He’s looking at you as the door closes behind you, your breath uneven as you try and calm yourself. You can do this. You got this. “Oh good,” he begins, standing straight before gesturing to the window in front of him with his thumb, “I can’t tell if the mic in there is working. You mind going in there and testing it out for me?” You’re completely caught off guard, unsure as to what you should do. “Well?”

You jump a bit and walk down the small hall next to his desk and open the door to the small room where only a mic and stool is placed. Yoongi’s voice booms in the room you’re in, “Just go ahead and talk into the mic when I say.” You walk up to the microphone, moving the stool out of the way. Watching Yoongi as he works the equipment in front of him, you bring your hands together in fear and take in deep breaths. You don’t have to tell him–he doesn’t need to know the real reason you’re here. You can just come up with an excuse. Yoongi interrupts your thoughts, “Okay. Just start talking–”

“I love you.” Oh shit you said it. You can’t go back now, but you can’t meet his eyes either. You can do this. “I’m in love with you. I-I’ve been in love with you since we first met, and I know that love at first sight isn’t real, but it hit me so hard when I met you. I thought it was just a crush, but the longer I felt it, the bigger it grew. Then you agreed to help me, and it just grew bigger–I couldn’t even tell Hanbin I love him because I don’t. I hate myself for dragging him along when you were always on my mind, but through those months of being together, it made me realize how much I’m in love with you.” You take in a deep breath. “I love you, Yoongi, and I don’t expect anything out of this, but I just had to tell you because if I didn’t, it would eat me alive for not telling you.”

Your breath is shaky as you finally muster up the courage to look past the microphone and at him. He’s staring at you with a blank expression. You don’t know what he’s thinking and it scares you. You said you just wanted to tell him, and that’s all you need, but you can’t help but feel saddened by his expression. You watch as his hand goes to the buttons in front of him. “I couldn’t hear you,” he begins over the speaker, “guess it’s broken. You can come out now.” There’s a click and the speakers are silent. Your heart drops and you want to cry so badly. You just spilled your guts and the speakers decide not to work? What kind of fate is this?

You exit the small room and walk into the open space where Yoongi messes with the gears. “What were you saying in there?” he asks, never looking up to look at you as he continues to push buttons and twist knobs.

You open your mouth, the words catching in your mouth. “Nothing,” you finally answer, voice low and quiet.

He hums. “Okay. Well I have work to do so you can leave.”

You can feel the tears prick the corner of your eyes as you give a small nod and turn to leave. Twisting the knob, you open the door and leave his room. You told him how you felt, and although he didn’t hear you, that counts as something right? You confessed and you know the answer. You can go back to your dorm and live your life happily.

Halfway down the hall, you spin on your heels and make your way back towards his room. You burst through the door again. Yoongi, with his hands resting on the table and head down, looks up and meets your gaze. The door closes behind you, again, and you speak, “I love you.” He rises slowly. “That’s what I said.” He’s silent and you’re not sure what to do, so you begin to repeat everything. “I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you since we first met–”

“Shut up,” he says, tone gravelly. “What did you say?”

You swallow the lump in your throat as you repeat, “I love you.”

He looks away, eyes looking conflicted for the first time as he runs a hand through his hair. “Dammit,” he mutters before walking over to you with quick strides. You’re scared as he gets closer, and you’re taken aback when he cups your cheeks and crashes his lips to yours.

First Love | 18

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