Donaliah - Diário Da Pilgrim

☘️

If the look spoke truth, now there would be no tears. If looks could speak, I wouldn't be so alone... maybe. I already screamed with a look, I asked for help, I pretended not to. But I wanted someone to decipher that look, so I don't have to talk, ask for help. I look around and I only see the walls of my bedroom, in the living room the children scream innocently, they just wanted a more present mother, not just a present body, more disposition, joy in cooking and the desire to take them out for a walk. But I look like a robot and live on automatic. Sometimes I yell at them and I always seem to be pissed off so they leave me alone. I know, they are not to blame, they are innocent. I'm sorry for that. For letting time pass, without enjoying the one who loves me the most in this life, without seeing the afternoon that falls so beautifully. They'll say I didn't try, but that's a lie. Now all I can do is just cry in secret, and that's the hardest part. Pretending that everything is fine, that I'm not distressed. Waiting for the night to fall and for me to shrink one more day. I think I lost my zest for life. That's hard to say because I always had dreams and loved life. Today I just wanted to disconnect, press a button and simply not be there, let anyone who wants to think that I was weak, not having to prove anything. Because I know I tried, I was strong at my limit. I didn't know it was like this, I thought it was just a bad phase. But my look was there, warning that something wasn't going well, but I didn't even listen when I looked in the mirror. I also ignored myself, ignored my thoughts, feelings, health... the truth is that I don't love myself. I came to this conclusion, I don't love myself enough to stay by myself, I'm tired, married to characters and who I really am, it was never enough. This is sore, not loving me hurts too. I couldn't heal or deal with my pain. I have no one to share my burden with, and I don't even want to sustain it alone anymore.

“A solução, decidi, era não pensar. Mas como se faz para parar de pensar?”

— Charles Bukowski.

Ela me tirou de casa

Ela me levou na praia

Tinha um tempo que eu não ria cedo

Era uma tarde mansa

Dia de euforia rasa

Tinha um tempo que eu não ia a praia

E ela fez melhorar tudo que há

E me levou até tudo que é

As canções de amor inventam amor

Ainda te busco em toda letra que eu canto.

Minha mente só quer te ouvir de novo.🎶