I Feel Everything But Feel Nothing At The Same Time, And The Pain Is So ExquisiteI Dont Even Ask Why

I feel everything but feel nothing at the same time, and the pain is so exquisite—I don’t even ask why

I found the Mermaid sitting on the ground, her dress torn at the hem, her makeup running down from tears. I stood with my hands in my pockets. You might mistake me for a father scolding his daughter. I summoned all the disappointment and pity appropriate to the scene. She looked up slowly, as if waiting for some harsh words. Perhaps a reminder of her poor choices. I stood in silence for a moment.

‘How many times is this going to happen?’

I take pleasure in the pain, I like the way it hurts

Whether it be from a razor, or summoned from a burn

I like leaving a scar behind,

Like proof of penitence, or like a caution sign, or trace of evidence,

reflecting the heartache that i must endure

while wallowing in misery and avoiding a cure

Because honestly I encourage your ghost in my mind ..

it's the only way to see you and look through your eyes

douleur-douce/douxsouffrance, proof of penitence

There were days when you peered into yourself, into the secret places of your heart, and what you saw there made you faint with horror. And then, next day, you didn't know what to make of it, you couldn't interpret the horror you had glimpsed the day before.

Yes, you know what evil costs.

Jean-Paul Sartre, No Exit

Anaïs Nin, Delta of Venus, originally published: 1977

“As long as he doesn’t shoot you and then eat you, we’re good.”

“The standards are so low.”