Head Full Of Pete Thoughts

head full of pete thoughts

i am supposed to be doing many things but i am sick so instead i am sitting here thinking about Vegas and Pete’s sex life

you know

as you do

and thinking about how Vegas has all these sex rooms and paraphernalia but *still* says he’s always felt like a freak, which suggests to me that he is not super well-versed or practiced in, like, kink lifestyle. if he’d been going to clubs or had arrangements with people who were expecting the same, his entire worldview wouldn’t have shifted just because of some sexy bondage with somebody who was really into it.

then there’s the matter of what *it* is, because i kinda think it’s… less about the specifics of the acts, and more about *how* those acts are performed. like, i don’t know if Pete is into having his balls shocked or pet play or whatever, because his reaction to various things changes drastically depending on *Vegas’s* mood. i think what Pete is into—really really really REALLY into—is being the absolute focus of Vegas’s insanely intense attention.

(i mean. can you blame him. can anybody blame him. that attention is… phew.)

and i was chatting with @thecookiemonster77 yesterday and we were talking about how we imagine their future relationship, which for me is basically that i see Pete has having no functional limits or brakes in his kinky fucker explorations, because for him it’s always about that overwhelming intensity and attention. as long as Vegas is obsessing over him, Pete’s into it, whatever it is. and that includes everything from the wildest kink down to fairly vanilla sex. his primary kink is being worshipped by a sexy madman! and that is so fucking valid of him.

but i am also thinking about what vegas is into and… okay, this miiiiiight be an unpopular opinion, but I’m not convinced he actually knows! the combination of all the kink toys + still feeling like a freak until he passionately rails a pillow princess suggests to me somebody who maybe doesn’t actually know what he wants, or thinks he ought to want one kind of thing but always finds it unsatisfying, and so keeps pushing and pushing, because he thinks the way to find it is to just go farther.

(there is also the fact that he was in a “relationship” with Tawan for a significant amount of time and hated every single second of it. i don’t think the only sex-related implication of that is “Vegas wanted kink but Tawan was freaked out” or whatever. Tawan could have been the kinkiest motherfucker on the planet and Vegas would still hate every second of it, still find it unsatisfying, because Vegas desperately wants to be loved and held and kept for who he is, and as long as he was pretending he would always hate the other person, regardless of sexual compatibility or incompatibility.)

but the thing is, I think that, unlike Pete, Vegas *does* have hard limits in his kink explorations—only he doesn’t know it, doesn’t want to acknowledge it, and his self-loathing is so strong he thinks there’s a problem with *him* the moment he starts to feel uncomfortable. and when Vegas feels uncomfortable and confused he lashes out, which only escalates everything, which only makes him feel worse. (see: beating Pete unconscious and taking no real pleasure in the act and certainly none in the aftermath. Vegas hated that! it was not a good experience for him! he Did Not Like It, even though he seems to think he Should Have Liked It. he is so so messed up in the head.)

i don’t know if I’m making sense, but i just really like the idea that Vegas—raised under tyrannical physical and emotional (and possibly sexual) abuse, used as a tool of extreme violence by the families, very good at violence and comfortable with it, fully expecting to be discarded by the same people carelessly using him as a weapon—finally, finally, with Pete, feeling safe enough and loved enough and cherished enough to say, “No, I don’t like that,” when it goes too far for him. and getting past his self-loathing enough to say that even when he’s the one who pushed it that far. how hard it will be for him to get to that point. the amount of TRUST it will require. so much!!!!

to me that is SO interesting and crunchy and complicated, more so than the reverse (eg., Vegas pushing Pete’s limits). because what i love about them is how they dig so bloodily into each other’s tender spots: Pete feeling invisible and useless, Vegas’s powerful self-loathing that builds up to being suicidal.

so Pete discovering how very very much he is into being the focus of Vegas’s intensity, and Vegas discovering how very very much he is into piling all of his intensity onto Pete who doesn’t ever flinch, that is just… *chef’s kiss* that is the good stuff. i don’t care about the details of *what* kinks they get into or how they fuck or any of that. that’s all… fine, whatever, anything can work, because it’s that push-and-pull of being complete emotionally-entrapped lunatics about each other’s attention and focus that i really love.

When Vegas says “I got nothing left” near the pool at the end of the battle, it doesn’t mean “I don’t even have you.” It means “I have nothing to give you so I am nothing so I can’t have you so I should die.” Which is why he doesn’t change his mind when Pete says that he’s still here but only when Pete says he’s hungry and Vegas can feed him, because then it means maybe Vegas has something to give him after all.

it’s pete’s shit-eating grin for me, as he goes, “bitch you thought”