The Crushing Weight Of Anxiety

The crushing weight of 🌟anxiety🌟

Just A Tentative Theory

So I'm new to the Larry and 1D fandoms -brought in by Harry and Loui's solo careers- and I've just binged so many proof videos in literally the two months I've been a part of this thing. Along with all of those I've seen a fair few proof vides of other ships within the fandom, some really biased and others that almost make sense.

Not hating on or discrediting other ships!! This is all just based off my own observations and what I’ve been able to piece together from all of the content I’ve gone through. And I'm sorry it's so rutting long and rambley at bits, I am running on so little sleep I wanna cry and caffeine fumes.

So... this is my babyfan theory and feel free to comment or run with it just remember I'm new to all this and had to get this idea out?

So what if in the beginning, when Louis and Harry met on X-Factor, you have these 2 sweet young boys who like each other but don't really have a lot of hope of anything working out because they're both contestants shooting for the same prize so they harbor these innocent little acquaintance crushes like you'd get on someone you sit down the row from in class in highschool or something right? But then they get made into a group and all of a sudden they're all up in each other's space and they're bunking together and they realize they really do like each other but neither have much experience in relationships yet or more intense emotions so they keep it fairly quiet. They figure that with the press they're getting with the show and the stress of wanting to do well and everyone feeling each other out as a group they really would rather their little romance be just theirs for a little while longer. And of course people in charge of publicity encourage this mindset, telling them that if they come out as a new/forming couple or let it be known they like each other (or just boys in general) that way there would be more attention on that (not all of it good either) than their actual talents or performance(s) and the other boys would be pushed to the sidelines in favor of them and that's just not fair to the other 3 now is it?

Then they don't win X-Factor and they think that's it until they get brought in to make a boyband even though they didn't win because they're just that f-ing popular. But this thing between them is still new and fragile and they haven't had time to work out just what it is or if it's something that's going to last and the label swoops in with a legal gag dressed up as a temporary fix. They don't tell anyone about them, don't do anything overt in public, maybe be seen/paired off with a girl or 2 as a red herring for the press, giving them time to just figure this all out and see if they really will work. And they take it because they're young and this is the chance they've always wanted and there are 3 other lads who will suffer if the two of them turn this down. So they sign and they try to follow the scripts and listen to what their handlers and managers tell them but they're cheeky kids in puppy love and it's almost like a game to see how far they can push it and just what counts as too much when all of the boys are so tactile and affectionate with each other.

And they really do fall in love. In the whirlwind that is the first couple of years, the song writing, the tours, the hours put in at the recording studio and every single press conference and public appearance in between, they fall in love. And it's great and it's good and somewhere along the way they think this might be it for them and they're ready to come out but then the label hits them with the gag they signed and they realize just what it means. They realize that they basically signed away their rights to talk about it or show their love or share it with their fans because it might hurt their image, affect their popularity and hurt their profits. But that's okay, because they have each other and they're in love and the girl Louis is 'dating' isn't so bad and she's cool about the whole thing.

But then it gets hard. The press is making Harry out to be this womanizing sex symbol and pushing for Louis and the girl he's with to start getting serious because supposedly they'd been together while Louis was on the show and really it's about time isn't it? And during all of that the Larry Stylinson fandom has been born and they're putting the pieces together and the lads are cheeky things who are hurting because they can't tell the world they're in love and while Niall supports/ships them (at least from how he acts in proof videos I've seen) Liam agrees with management about not being open about it while Zayn is an odd mix of the 2. So they push it and they let things slip and they give the fans enough to put it together without violating their contracts and yeah management pushes back and takes measures so they don’t seem as close and to hopefully quiet the rumours but overall it's okay again for a while.

Then Harry starts figuring parts of himself out. And he wants to start wearing pretty shirts, bright colours and flashy patterns and painting his nails but they tell him he can't because those are girl shirts and it's too femme to paint his nails and wear bright colours and pastels and it hurts because he just can't be himself. And he wants out. He's tired of being scared he's going to mess up on stage or people won't like their songs enough for the label's liking and he just wants to be able to love Louis without worrying about what everyone else thinks and their little codes and touches just aren't always enough anymore.

So they start to fight. Louis is too scared to leave because he doesn't think he's good enough without the band and they're both still so young and have only been in this world for a few years how can they be sure they'd make it? How do they know that they won't just crash and burn and that will be the end of it? So they fight and they hurt each other and they're already living apart and barely seeing each other outside of work related or group functions because of management and Louis kind of lets himself fall into the illusion of the relationship he's being made to partake in and Harry finds himself growing closer to the other lads and pushing his limits with his wardrobe and public persona.

Now the next bits are where my theory starts to get a little more wobbly because like I said I'm new and my info digging skills are not as good as others in the fandom. A lot of it is based off of videos by freddieismyqueen (before she took them down), larrystylinson 28, Larry Stylinson's Utopia, s e p t e m b e r 2 8 and FireproofLarry.

So in the midst of the fighting and the hurting and both being so scared for so many different reasons they kind of fall apart. To Harry, Louis has chosen his career over their relationship and Louis is hurt and upset that Harry can't/won't see where he's coming from on all of this. And this is where Zarry comes in.

Throughout the Larry jealousy videos one of the things that stuck out to me was that there were a lot of Zarry moments and they seemed closer to the end of the 1D timeline. Before that most of them were just the references to Harry with girls, him being 'flirty' with interviewers or fans or just general cheeky sort of passively possessive moments probably played up to irk management and give the fans more to go off of. But then we get to the points where Harry and Zayn interact more on stage and Louis starts to look right pi**ed and just watches without doing any sort of possessive holding or touches or cheeky little looks and whispers like we're used to. No, Harry and Zayn start flirting on stage or being closer during interviews and Louis is angry and passive aggressive. And in the background Niall looks like he has no idea what the heck to do about all of this and Liam is just done with their cr*p.

So Louis gets his head out of the dirt and tries to make it up to Harry. And it works because this lad is head over heels for Louis and Zayn is left behind. But maybe Harry doesn’t realize that things were a little more on Zayn’s end. Maybe it hurt a little more than expected when the two lads finally figure themselves out. Or maybe Harry and Zayn really were just friends and the ‘Zarry’ moments just ruined his friendship with Louis and he felt it ruined his friendship with Harry too because Louis sees Zayn as a threat now so there’s bloody tension and such all over the place. (personally I’m leaning towards the last and that Louis’ jealous streak probably came out and he had a few a**shole moments because come on guys, he’s only human and they went through a lot as performers in the public eye and if you listen to a lot of his interviews there’s a lot of insecurity issues he’s dealt with over the years)

Then that blessed September 28th happened and it helps their relationship because honeymoon phase yo. But that’s 2013. Life goes on and it gets hard again and they’re pushing it again and life happens. Zayn leaves and it hurts the band because they’re in the middle of a tour and from what I’ve gathered he kind of just shut them out of his life. And so Harry is hurting because losing a friend is hard and Louis is upset that the band is falling apart and the media is having a heyday with the story and they’re in the middle of a blasted tour and that good old jealous streak comes out with Harry being so upset over Zayn leaving. So he’s scared and hurting, and mistakes are made.

Now we know that Liam confessed to a drinking problem at one point and there have been references of Louis having his moments as well. And Louis and Harry still have to ‘date’ girls and Louis is always the long-term one so it would stand to reason that he would have a decent rapport with the girls he’s seen with, that these would be people he learns to be comfortable with. And overindulgence in the presence of someone you trust or are familiar with when you’re hurting can lead to lapses in judgement. Which is probably how we got little Freddie. (And that is all being said of him because we don’t need to drag a child into all this drama people)

Louis being unfaithful, even if it wasn’t intentional, right after Zayn left would put a strain on their relationship and would cause another off period. But they’re still fools in love and married at this point so they try to make it work and they kind of come together again and they figure out how to move forward. But Louis is going to be a dad and their contracts are almost up and Harry still wants out.

So the band splits and Louis is so scared of what comes next and he’s trying to make it all work and the songs he’s released get good responses but not as much as he’d hoped and X-Factor doesn’t pan out and the other 4 are off living their lives. Zayn’s music career is a success and Niall waits awhile but his music is popular fairly right off the bat as well and Liam at least is still in the public eye and Harry is making waves. He’s wearing clothes he couldn’t before and he’s wearing all of the bright prints and flashy colours and those pearls happen and he’s in a movie ya’ll and he’s good at it.

And it takes Louis awhile but he finds his sound and he starts to make music he’s happy with and proud of and he’s finding himself. But he’s still with that old label and the same management.

So here’s where it gets closer to the present. Harry has a thing with Kendall but they part on good terms and I’m guessing it has to do with he tried for appearances sake and she gets it and probably low-key ships them but understands being discreet and giving them time to work it out.

So Louis wants Harry. Harry wants Louis. Louis is probably bound by another form of that dratted legal gag. So Harry waits. Because Harry isn’t scared anymore and he’s figured himself out and he’s happy with himself and he’s in a place where he can be himself and can encourage others to do the same. He gets it now that he’s older and seen more of the industry outside of their 1D bubble and he’s had to handle stuff on his own and he’s killing it.

Louis writes songs about them and being young fools and how love hurts and you have to be either young and dumb or just f-ing brave to go through with it. Harry writes songs about the stages a relationship (specifically theirs) goes through and they have their little rendezvous and Harry fosters this community of love and acceptance of others and Louis talks about finding yourself and being happy with yourself. And Harry has found himself, is happy with himself and Louis is almost there and he’s got that pesky legal gag anyway.

So Harry waits and he’s okay with that because in the end they love each other and he knows where Louis’ heart is and no matter what they have each other, He’s waited this long he can wait a bit more to tell the world just how much he loves this stupid wonderful man.

Hey! This is the mod behind amazingdevilfanpage, and I'm messaging you to let you know that you won the Ruin giveaway!! 🎉 Let me know what email you'd like me to send the album to, and I'll send it over tomorrow!

Holy crap I never expected to win but I just got the album and tbh I am beyond excited because I found TAD when I had more emotions about shit going on than I had words for and they just kind of put words to what I was feeling. And Ruin is especially special cause my ex and I had a bit of a listening party when it was released last year and the conversations we had prompted by this music is part of the reason we decided to give dating again after 2 years a shot and I partly attribute the level of communication we have to how much I play this band's music when I don't have the words to start the conversation I need to have.

So thank you so much I am beyond excited and this honestly means so much!

I feel like Cavill was "the problem" in that he is stated by castmates as constantly trying to correct plot points and writing and scene placement and characterization (like the fact that in the books Geralt is actually a fairly eloquent drama queen but all we get in the show really is 'hmm' and 'fuck') in a way that was obvious he is a very passionate nerd but if you think about it also means he was probably a little miserable making a show that wasn't true to this story he loved when that's what he signed up and was so excited for. And they didn't recast him for 3 seasons cause his established fanbase that only kept growing cause of his nerdiness was a major benefit to air time and he stayed on for 3 seasons cause there was the hope they'd get their shit together and he made new very nerdy friends who all enjoyed working together and honestly it opened the door for more fantasy based roles which he has stated he'd like to do more of.

So once he leaves yeah it probably will be "better" because the main character won't be low-key fighting the writers all the time (example: the story behind the voice he uses for Geralt cause you know that had to be more angsty and professionally dramatic than the audience friendly retelling) and the rest of the cast will just do their job instead of playing along with ribbing the writers and causing shenanigans and mucking up scenes trying to make each other crack when they're supposed to be *serious*.

So I guess we'll see but I feel like once Cavill leaves it will really just allow the writers to just go crazy on their bullshit and cherry picking and making things up and yeah the story will technically improve but it won't really be Witcher anymore.

Unless you know, Joey takes up the mantle of being a book purist little shit and continues what Henry started

what if s3 is shit again but then s4 is amazing and we have to be like oh maybe he was the problem

Zarry Ramblings

Disclaimers (!): 1.) I am a 1D, Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson and Larry Stylinson babyfan and only began my venture into the great wide world of this fandom about February 2020. So I’m playing catch-up here folks.  2.) Operating on maybe 3 hours of sleep and more caffeine than is healthy. Should probably be sleeping but where’s the fun in that? I swear I know how to adult, just let me Larry in peace people.  3.) I am still fairly new to the fandom and if you read my last typed out ramble then you also know that most of my insight is from proof videos on youtube and what content I skim through on Redditt and Tumblr. I wish I was able to put more time, effort and thought into this rabbit hole I find myself falling down but this is the best I’ve got for now.

SO... here we go folks... My take on Zarry and why I think it isn’t a romantic thing.

So what if in the beginning, when they were all on X-factor and Larry was off failing at trying to not fall in love (and then trying to just, for the love of all the gods young and old, keep it all quiet) and Liam was this older ‘more experienced’ return contestant who was trying to be kind of separate from the rest of the show’s contestants because making friends with your competition just cannot end well and there’s just so many ways he’s seen friendships and whirlwind romances go wrong even just from his one previous stint. So friends? Romances? No thanks, maybe if they made it closer to the end of the show he might consider actually being ‘friends’. And then you have little Niall who is just so happy to be here and yeah he was kind of the best singer in his home town but that’s his small home town and he knows he’s not as stereotypically good looking or charismatic as the other lads but he’s got a good voice and no one actually dislikes him so that’s a win right?

In all of this you have Zayn.

Zayn with his more quiet personality and he’s different, with his R&B soul, his fascination with tattoos and love of art and his family’s religion and culture, he doesn’t do the dancing thing and he seems to already be branded as a bit of a bad boy even though he hasn’t done anything yet?? Because the potential is there for him to grow into your typical pretty boy/bad boy stereotype so why not just make that his brand from the get-go? And Zayn meets Harry who’s still this curly-haired, cheeky little mama’s boy, with the sweetest dimples who comes off as a bit of a dandy sometimes because he just likes people and loves music and is more of an enthusiastic puppy than Niall sometimes and this kid is head over heels for one of the older lads but they keep putting together stunts and ‘behind-the-scenes’ shorts that paint him as some sort of Casanova making his way through the female contestants. But through it all he’s still sweet and seemingly innocent but this kid is distinctly different, like Zayn.

And he realizes that yeah, the kid is young and he’s a bit on the naïve side and he’s so hung up on that Tomlinson boy it’s kind of sad, but he’s smart. He’s smart and he’s funny and when you look past the sweet smiles and eager-to-please attitude, this kid is northern to the bone and there is a rock star in there waiting to shake the world.

Then they get put into a team. And now he’s got a dad-friend he didn’t ask for because Liam is trying to make sure they all make it to that final round. And Niall is still just so excited to be here and that he’s got another chance so at least they have someone in this group to take the edge off and to keep looking at the bright side of things. That kid Louis, who’s the oldest of them all and seems to think that makes him the boss even if he’s still as much of a child as Niall sometimes, he’s got this sadness and worry about him that puts Zayn a bit on edge and makes him kind of glad that the kid seems to have Harry because at least then he’s more bright, he’s more sure of himself and his talent and his place in their group. Then there’s Harry. They actually start to talk and spend time together now and they bond over the fact that they can see what direction their group is being taken. They can see the way they’re all being set up and groomed to fit certain ‘brands’ and stereotypes to hit as broad a fanbase as possible and what sort of music they’ll be expected to make if they win this and get a record deal. And it kind of hurts. Because if Zayn and Harry had their way they would probably be a couple of reckless boys making a mix of R&B and rock and urban music with a pop song here and there and Zayn would be quiet and have his art on the side while Larry would be out and proud, each showing off their cute boyfriend and being that disgustingly cute couple that everyone secretly loves to witness.

But for now Zayn is the bad boy and Harry is the Casanova and Louis is the ‘leader’, Liam is the dad friend and Niall is the puppy and there is so much he can’t say, so much they can’t do, but it’ll be different when they win. It will all be different when they win. Right?

Their group makes third place and yeah it’s sad and disappointing but they tried their best and their group was super popular (they had seen the numbers, they had an idea of just how broad their fanbase was and they hadn’t even been the winning contestants) so maybe there will be other possibilities, other companies and labels willing to sign them. And at least he’s got his family and these friends he’s made and his art. Then they get the summons from on high, Simon wants to make them into the next big thing. He sees their potential, he knows what the numbers mean and he says they can make it work. And Zayn is worried. Signing means these people will make him the bad boy, the troublemaker and Harry will be the womanizing sex-symbol and Liam will be their dad friend and Louis and Niall will be your typical pop idol personalities and he knows what sort of music they’ll be expected to make. But the lads convince him. Just a few albums and then they’ll be able to make the type of music they want. Just a year or two, get their name out there and they’ll be able to demand they be allowed to be themselves and make their own sound and they won’t be able to say no. And he wants this. He wants the chance to make music and be a part of something with these lads so he signs.

He signs and the others sign and they have their first few meetings to figure out just what their approach is going to be and how they all are expected to behave and it worries him but it’s okay. It’s only for a little while after all. But he sees the way Liam worries over everything and tries to dad them all and Niall has to learn to not read the comments because he’s not the most popular and he knows it and it’s sad because Niall is just as talented as the rest and everyone should recognize this. And then Larry, who get such a crappy deal it hurts. Louis is set up with this girl to be a cover and Harry is sent off to be seen with girl after girl because the two of them are so crazy for the other it’s hard not to see it in their everyday interactions. It doesn’t help they play it up sometimes just to mess with management and the fans. But Zayn and the other lads kind of love the two of them together. The three of them agree that they’re good together, they’re happy together and they just work you know? So they decide to cover for them. Take questions from the two that could out them, make jokes and say things in interviews or at functions that might get a scolding or reprimand from management so the two can just be themselves and don’t have to deal with quite as much.

And yeah, it sucks that the two of them have to be so secretive and the lads do their best to help but they made a deal, they signed a paper and they should honour that right? And if they want out so badly then they should at least have the decency to be on the same page about it.

Because at this point Larry are having problems. Louis doesn’t want to be out and Harry just wants to be able to love without having to hide and make the music he wants and dress how he wants and yeah the tattoos help and he gets away with his suits, almost androgynous style and his hair but there’s still so much more he wants to be able to say and do and wear and it’s just not fair. And Zayn gets it. Maybe not all of the clothes stuff because what he wears seems to fit what management wants anyways but the not being able to be himself? He gets that. And Louis wanting Harry, but wanting their careers more? He may not be able to completely get it but he can be a friend. Because they are the same in a way. Two boys with rockn’roll, R&B, hip hop and folk rock and this need to create and be and do seared into their very beings all wrapped up in pop and glitter and shine and presented to a world they are told won’t want the real them. And they just get each other. And yeah Zayn doesn’t swing that way but being around Harry is easy and they’re friends and during all this craziness that is their lives all of the lads have gotten really close so it bears to reason that when Larry are having issues they would go to one of the other lads for emotional support. He just hadn’t been expecting Louis to get so bent out of shape over it.

Because Harry is his bro, and he’s the youngest of them and they just get each other so they never had to have the super clingy talkative dynamic all the others had but now that Larry are having issues Harry needs that so he’s there to give it to him. he’s there to be a shoulder to cry on, to hash out heartbroken lyrics with and to share a room on tour and be each other’s support during interviews. And Harry is a flirt and really all the boys kind of are so they have little flirty moments and Harry needs touch so Zayn lets him into his bubble more than usual and reaches out occasionally because Harry needs someone right now and Louis has his sisters and his fake-girlfriend and Liam and Niall is trying not to take sides. And he sees the looks Louis is giving them. Sees the purse of his lips every time they play off each other or get a little too close and hears the little things Louis says during interviews that ring a little too close to home for the situation to be entirely innocent. And he and Louis were never the closest but they were never this distant. Never this tense. But he doesn’t say anything to Harry because Harry is just starting to be happy again and he’s getting better.

And maybe his helping Harry has been a little selfish. Because Zayn has his own issues. He has his own demons he’s fighting and their entire career has been eating at his soul little by little since the day he signed that contract but that’s okay because he’s got his lads. So it’s been nice to have someone who gets it and is willing to listen too and will let him just be sad and gets the way the contracts they signed have felt like a death warrant for awhile now.

But then Louis gets his head out of the sand. He comes to Harry and says he wants to be better. He wants what they had again and makes promises of being more understanding and open and Harry just wants his Lou back and in all of this they decide that secretly getting married is the way to go. And yeah, Zayn doesn’t get it. Doesn’t think it’ll help like the others are convinced it will but Harry is so happy and Louis doesn’t look like he wants to hit Zayn anymore and Liam and Niall seem agreeable to it so he smiles and voices his support and the two set a date. September 28th they exchange vows and rings and Louis is content and Harry is beaming and Zayn is still hurting and sad and it feels like the noose tightens just a little bit.

It gets worse. He feels the pressures to be something he just isn’t, not entirely. He can’t make the music he wants and Harry is happier because their sound is taking a direction that’s closer to what he wanted to do from the beginning and he has Louis and the other lads are back to covering and supporting and going with what management tells them. Niall is still an excited puppy and Liam is still the dad friend and Louis still tries to take over sometimes but gets distracted and falls back into line soon enough and it’s normal. Except that Liam is echoing management’s warnings about discretion and Louis is giving him the cold shoulder and Harry is trying, because this sweet boy with the rockn’roll soul and biggest heart of them all loves his lads so much, but Louis -his husband, and doesn’t that make the lad break out into his big dimpled grin- is his priority.

And he hates it, all of this.

So he leaves. He can’t find it in himself to finish the tour. He can’t just be their puppet. So he leaves. And he doesn’t talk to the other lads because they’ll try to make him come back and he’ll feel bad. He misses them but he’s mad at them too and lets everyone know about his anger and his discomfort and he basically denounces them all -especially Harry- and doesn’t attend any of their big to-do’s -even Louis’ tribute to his mum- and he sees the way it hurts them. He sees the way Harry is getting sad again, and he hears about Louis becoming a dad with the latest ‘girlfriend’ and that makes him more upset because after everything they all went through for those two, after Louis proposed and promised to be better about the two of them he goes and does this to Harry. But that’s not his problem anymore. They’re not his band anymore. And he’s still hurt and upset and it’s not. his. problem.

He focuses on his career and he’s doing well. He’s topping charts and yeah the boys break up and he keeps track of the highlights cause that’s just common sense and basic courtesy and maybe he could reach out. Maybe he could make an effort to reconnect but then the lads speak up and it’s not that great to be honest. They reminisce on the good times but mostly they kind of play into the public’s assumption that they had all been slowly falling apart before Zayn left and his departure was really just the straw that broke the camel’s back. So he keeps his distance. He stops being so angry when asked about it. Stops shutting down talk of a reunion and even talks to the lads here and there. But the hurt is still there, and there’s a history between them all and if he lets them back in like they used to be, if they become a band again and perform again and give it another shot who’s to say he won’t be slipping on another noose? What if they do a reunion, they come back together and he gets his brothers back and he and Louis work their shit out but he loses his creative independence. He knows logically that wouldn’t happen, but it’s there.

So he doesn't condemn the idea anymore and he doesn’t actively disavow the lads... but maybe the damage has been done. Maybe it’s just too late...

Tell me what your thoughts are! Discussions and friendly debates are welcomed people. Just no actual fighting or hating on each other please? Again, this is just a lot of rambling and I might do another one of these a little more thought out at some point so any alternate insights are welcome and encouraged!!

Treat people with kindness, stay home and stay safe, and don’t be afraid to be brave lovelies