Repressing Kintypes

Repressing kintypes

Repression is the act of unconsciously pushing down unwanted thoughts, feelings or urges. It’s in the long term not exactly healthy and typically is a sign of a poor environment.

That’s to say when i first joined the therian community I was excited. In my childhood I suffered but in turn became extremely in touch with nature. My childhood nickname was “little deer” there was no question for me what I was it felt obvious. I was the forest guardian, I was the symbol of the forest, I was- a wolf? Wait what?

Well interesting thing about being a deer or a herbivore in general in the old therian community. Expect to get eaten. I didn’t want to get eaten or verbally abused. I was sick of the torment I got from it. So- I learned something. I’ll do what deer do and run. Right off from all these problems right into something stronger.

If I can’t be a deer i’ll be a ‘wolf’ were plural. We have ‘wolf’ alters so they can just front which means we are technically truthful. In turn our main personality cluster becomes dormant. To fit into the harsh categories pf something I felt I desperately needed at the time to save myself and survive everything else that was happening in my life.

I buried myself. I looked at myself knowingly and shot myself like a cabellas hunter and tossed the body in a ditch saying “i do feel bad but this is for the best” to turn around and roleplay as a wolf. Well to be honest it never felt right. Not for all of me at least. I felt forced to be fearsome while others took pride in it. I felt the urgency to do it to survive not because its fun.

In a room full of teeth why should I announce I have none? So playing along was my deepest urgency. This became so apparent it intertwined with who I was. I have to be scary. I have to show I am a carnivore. I have to show I am strong. Yet with every failure I spiraled. Depressed. Angry. I just want to be gentle thats my inherent nature. Virtuous. Strong but caring.

I don’t want to bite someone. I wanted to headbutt them. I didn’t want to eat raw meat it makes me sick. I wanna have veggies. But I can’t because not at that time. If I was a deer it was seemingly endless pestering. How would I introduce myself? I was to terrified to admit I was different.

I intertwined some characteristics pf my deepest parts of myself with being a deer. Cause I had been one for so long. I was always told I was gentle and caring. Soft and loving. People always said I have the body type of a deer long and slender. I was quiet like one. It was how i identified my feminity. I never minded being in a dress as a deer. It felt like a love letter to the flowers and grass I eat.

I was happy. But it had to go. Because when I got older these traits didn’t help me survive. So you draw the bow and let the arrow ring. When I came into therianthropy I was already partially repressing my deer traits. I didn’t understand why or what I was doing. I just did what it took to survive.

When I came across wolves and tried to pass off I was dual typed as deer and wolf the wolf was always accepted but the deer was always caught and questioned. So I stopped mentioning it. I was tired of being harassed.

Now the years have passed. The deer types come back. Stronger than before. Stronger than my carnivorous kintypes. I stand in awe with a feeling of being soaked in blood. That despite everything the original me is still here. That as a deer I weaved every obstacle and conflict. I ran when I needed to and hid until it was safe instead of dying I survived in the background.

Perhaps it’s feeling comfortable in the community. Maybe it’s feeling accepted. But I feel comfortable showing these sides now that aren’t so hard and edgy. Especially with this blog. I would have never imagined my voice would be listened to or ever considered.

My repressed kintypes are more feral i would say. They have a stronger urge to survive than even scar parasite kintype. Those parts of me feel stronger, tougher, more durable. They learned from the background and made choices to help us along without ever being seen.

Inside It feels painful. Having known now what all was missing it makes sense. I mourn for the time lost but at the same time understand how important those choices were. I wish I could have always been this way but that’s not the way of the this world.

I feel it’s probably more common to repress kintypes or parts of ourselves. It’s unfortunate how it happens. I was surprised to find how strong those parts are. Needless to say I won’t fuck with a deer.

HOLY BALLS I NEED IT

I've reached peak fashion rn

are evil dragons really evil, or are they just vitamin D deficient?

god damn this is a QUILT ('late day shadows' by nancy messier)

Diffrent from what I usually rb, but felt I should share this regardless! Your health is VERY important, and I notice a lot of people don’t really know any of these things^

~Blue