AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I Logged On And Mr.Dawnbreaker Decided To Visit Today.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I logged on and Mr.Dawnbreaker decided to visit today.

Omg I just realized who Zayne reminds me of!

If you know you know.

1.selfless love, the I love you enough to let you go for your sake and not show that I’m in love with you kind of love.

2.tragic backstory involving love.

3.they look similar.

4. Look cold but are actually the kindest person you’ll ever meet and loves deeply.

5.they’re both doctors.

6.gentleman but not a pushover (not completely).

played LaDS today after a near month long hiatus. proceeded to dump gems into every chance during the event because it ends in like 12 hours and it's my beloved Zayne and I'm getting that 5* memory 😤 was NOT prepared for a Dawnbreaker storyline ARE YOU KIDDING ME. here's my scattered thoughts. I reached a point where I had to write it out, and I am subsequently a puddle of tears.

"It's carrot-flavored."

idk why but this just...urgh. Like, he's making jokes but he's using the memories he (and us) have seen to do it. It's so bittersweet. drawing upon those memories he cherished for his entire life to form some kind of connection with the woman he has loved from across time and space for years.

example #2: making two seals with his evol, another core memory between them, LIKE 😭

and the way he is so effected by her. when she offers to use their combined evol to break the protofield, and he makes a noise and looks away? I've lost count of how many times they highlight his subtle (not very subtle at all) reactions to her. he is barely holding it together right now and I am here for it.

I got hung up on them sharing chocolates on the sofa (after he so casually reached into the fridge and grabbed them, like he'd done it hundreds of times before 👀), and how often he had to have sat there, alone, thinking of her.

but she's here now, she's really here, and then I got to thinking how this is a dream come true and a nightmare all at once for him; yes he loves her and he wants to be with her but not here, not in his world. he wants to be her Zayne, live that idyllic life he dreams of where he saves people rather than kills them but instead she's been thrust into his desolate iteration of Linkon city and it just hurts.

he's so sweet though, letting her believe that it's nothing more than a dream, when for him it's his reality. he wants to protect her, and that includes protecting her from himself because he is so terrified of hurting her that it quite literally haunts him.

and correct me if I'm wrong, but were they not essentially handing his pain back and forth? she would use her evol to purify him, and he would use his evol to take it back, putting himself in further agony to ensure she is safe, unharmed from himself?

"By then, I'll find you in your dreams, the real you."

OW. does she know who he really is? does she comprehend the gravitas to that fucking declaration, will he ever outright tell her that he is not her Zayne?? they keep swaying either way, but there's no way this isn't Dawnbreaker. (confirmed when the narrative referred to MC as "the girl.") I'm going to have to replay it again, but I don't think they ever make the connection to him being the same 'Zayne' she had briefly seen before, keeping it ambiguous from MC's perspective whether or not she truly understands what's happening here.

THE ENDING. you just HAD to make sure we knew Dawnbreaker was never going to escape his own hell, didn't you? really had to drive it home that he'd never get to be with her. he finds her, reaches for her and she reaches back and then paradise crumbles around them only to find themselves back where it started? that's just...cruel, man.

it's almost worse now. he's got hope dangled in front of him and it's constantly being pulled just out of reach. before, there was no hope. he had somehow managed to cope, albeit in the words of MC, "struggling to live a normal life", he had resigned to his fate nonetheless. but now there's this sliver of hope, the white light amidst the darkness, and yet it's piercing him all the same.

it's like a saccharine purgatory, his nightmare evolving with her presence but still trapped in the black ice that plagues him because he can't escape, even with her help. it's not destined to be, fate has quite literally decided it.

(astra's a bitch and then we cry)

I'm going to be replaying these chapters a few times, there's so much going on. Dawnbreaker has always held a special place in my heart because I'm simply a whore for tragedy. anyways, gonna go sob over these pixels again ✌️

Me expecting a meandomdaddyguyidksomekindofwattpadloveinterest but he turned out to be all mushymushy and says cute things

Me watching Fruits Basket:

What I thought it would be about: Oh it's a typical shoujo anime with two pretty boys falling in love with the main girl. I can watch it and be relaxed. And they turn into animals! Haha, fun.

What it was: Trauma, PTSD, Parental neglect, isolation, self loathing, self depreciation, depression, physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, guilt, regret, grief, loss, heartbreak.

Now I need therapy.

(PS: as a girl who loves Girly media and Shoujo manga. I am so happy that this is a Shoujo that subverts a lot of people's expectations and makes you understand that Shoujo/Josei are NOT all the same as well as depict such a good story about familial trauma which is something we don't usually get.

I wish we could get more Shoujo/Josei anime each season 🥲)