Foreverabeliever - Today A Dreamer. Forever A Believer. - Tumblr Blog

"When will you stop worrying and feeling guilty?"

She asked herself.

That feeling of dissatisfaction and discontentment after you have accomplished something great (in a young age), only to have your ambitions collide with your need to spend more time with people you love dearly.

~Here I am again, second-guessing every single decision I ever made.~

The older I get, the less I give a damn on what other people think, also the less I become judgmental.

I guess being older doesn't sound so bad.

-Me on my 30s-

Little girl's wildest dream

As a little girl, I was always a fan of an alpha woman, or a female lead in a movie or anime, who has strong personality, and can lead people to make things happen. Though I wish to be like that, as I grow up, I realize that's not who I truly am no matter how hard I try.

I am not an alpha woman (probably will never be), who has strong personality that people may follow. Instead I have grown myself into a woman with strong sense of humility and justice, and I have a strong belief in what I know is true. I might not be that person who can lead or stand out, but I stand for what I believe and I tend to work behind the curtain to thrive, to achieve my goals or to help people in need.

Being an alpha woman used to be my wildest childhood dream. But as I grow old I learn to embrace the person I have become, and I am proud of how far I go.

If I ask God to put some of His wisdom in me. Will God give me what my heart desire? Or will He judge me for wanting more?

I desire for wisdom and knowledge, so I pursue my study, but I always feel like what I am capable of is so little comparing to the ambitions I have or achievement I have always desired.

Sometimes I wish I had more wisdom from God, to understand everything clearly, to achieve more than what I have already done. I have always been scared of not getting enough insight or knowledge.

Most of all deep down I am scared of being unable to understand what God wants me to do, or what He wants me to become in this world. If I had more of His wisdom, will I still be scared of being clueless?

One thing that I hope for now, may God always gives my heart the right desire.

I miss you.

I miss you more.

I miss you most.

Life update...

I stumbled my feet a lot more than I expected. I failed my final test which caused me to suffer on a level that I never imagined. I know it's common to fail one or two tests, and I don't want to make it a big deal. But to fail on a test that you put all your efforts, energy, and heart into it was just another level of heartbreak. It feels like being late for a train you have been waiting for so long.

The failure did break me, but it also brought me into a lot of meditating on how the failure affected my life so far. I got another chance to be free, to enjoy little things while slowing down a bit, and perhaps being more of an adult than I was. For the most part, I can say that life has been treating me well.

I am thankful, or at least I learn to be thankful for the lesson learned for the last 6 months. Now I am praying and looking forward to what the future holds.

15/02/2023

I would do anything to go back. Just to feel the first time of everything once again.

The first time of feeling my heart beating out loud when you’re close, the chills of feeling the first touch, the first kiss when nobody’s watching, and the i-wish-time-would-stop kind of embrace.

-14/02/2023

I want one day people will feel connected to the girl I was, also the woman I am now, and will be, just by going through my Tumblr page. I know it is impossible to get to know a person just by reading what they posted or share on Tumblr. That is never my intention to make people instantly get to know me. I just want to make connections between me, and people out there who shares same feelings, opinions, interests and belief. :)

feeling old. more than 10 years on Tumblr.

Guess one thing that is currently living at the back of my head, that feels so heavy and burdened. (Clue: I am a final semester student at medical doctor residency program)

T.H.E.S.I.S

Great reminder today.

Those days when I can't seem to find stories to tell or feelings to share on Tumblr, because I can't stop thinking about responsibility to take in real life. Real life responsibility sure can be very energy-draining and time-consuming.

You can't runaway from responsibility girl

Ganbatte ne

John 19:30

Do you wake up wondering why you still do what you do? Or do you stil second guess every decision you have made?

~I.do.every.single.day