Yeein' On That 'Haw Ch. 8-- The New Kid In (Dial)Town

Yeein' On That 'Haw Ch. 8-- The New Kid in (Dial)Town

Once we were free of those weird mobsters, getting through the rest of the area was a breeze. Since it was practically the middle of the night, not many people were out and about. The only people we passed were either drunk or high off their balls and posed no problem to us. Even if they did, I’m sure Norm would have dealt with them efficiently. 

I noticed the way the shorter, suburban-style houses and shacks slowly morphed into staggeringly tall, urban buildings. Then the area became more recognizable; I spotted the familiar bank and the movie theater that I never went to, though I often found myself curious what movies were like in a world where everybody had phones for heads. I would have gone to see a movie, but the first time I walked in there, the kid working the concessions counter kept calling my head ‘groovy’ and ‘radical’ to the point of it being excessive. Oh, and I got harassed by a vengeful spirit, so that discouraged me from returning. 

The streets were empty, save for the occasional homeless person or rabid raccoon. One of them talked to me once. A raccoon, not a homeless person. It was kind of crazy. I can’t quite remember what he said, but I think it was some kind of cryptic message foretelling the arrival of some ancient God. And no, I had not consumed any nectar… that I knew of. 

“Welcome to Uptown Dialtown, Mr. Allen,” I turned to face Norm, who made a face at the way I referred to him. “Where the air smells like crystal meth, and the crystal meth smells like… actually, nevermind.” I waved my hand dismissively. “I’ve never actually smelled the crystal meth.”

“Damn.” Norm’s Sharpied eyes were wide with what seemed to be awe, scanning his surroundings and taking it all in. “This is Uptown Dialtown? This place has gone t’ shit.”

“Yeah, it does that,” I winced. “I have good news and bad news.”

The cowboy turned to me with a confused expression. He gestured for me to go on. 

“The good news is that Mingus’ office is close by. The bad news is that we’re in Uptown Dialtown. This place sucks ass, and we also might meet God, which is never good.” I looked around skeptically, analyzing our immediately area to see if the dogman I spoke of was nearby. He wasn’t. Thank–... I will not be finishing that statement. Might summon him or something.

Norm scoffed cynically. “I don’t think so, pardner. God lives up there,” he pointed to the darkened sky with the hand that wasn’t holding a revolver. “We won’t be meetin’ him tonight. At least, I hope we won’t be.”

I shrugged. “Alright, Norm. Alright.”

There was a brief pause before Norm spoke once more. “Where to?”

I sucked in a small breath through my teeth. “Probably the subway. I don’t feel like walking the fifteen minutes it takes to get there.” I didn’t allow him the time to object to taking the subway, marching in the direction of the nearest station entrance. 

It didn’t take long to get to the station. We descended the gross concrete stairs to the platform and checked to see if anyone was looking before hopping the turnstile. Our only witness was a stray cat, which I immediately threatened to get it to swear that it wouldn’t tell. It promptly scratched at my phone-face and sprinted away. I’m pretty sure Norm thought I was a psychopath. 

Regardless, we had some time before the train to Downtown Dialtown would arrive. The trains ran 24/7 for some odd reason, but that was none of my business. I just wanted to get out of there before Rat Hour hit. 

We stood in silence for a few moments before Norm broke it. “...Say, (Y/N), I’m not cut out fer this, am I?” 

My metaphorical eyebrows lifted in shock. “Damn, dude, that’s a deep question. And out of nowhere, too. What prompted that?”

He shrugged. “‘m not sure. I s’pose it jus’ dawned on me that I’ve been doin’ literally nothin’ fer th’ several years it’s been since I jumped int’ the future.” He took a breath. I noticed his reluctance to look at me. “I had a life before. I did bricklayin’, joined th’ Airforce, worked fer NASA… I even got int’ the good graces o’ th’ President himself.” A solemn expression crossed his bag-face. “Now look at me. I’ve been hidin’ away in a shack fer years, threatenin’ anyone who came t’ my door.”

I fell silent for a moment, looking down at the grimy tile floor. When I spoke, my voice was quiet and contemplative. “Well… you’re not doing that anymore, are you? Once Mingus is dead, you’ll be able to get back to your life. Minus the wife, of course, but–” I winced. Probably shouldn’t have brought up the dead wife. 

Norm didn’t seem to notice my insensitive mentioning of his late wife. He continued, “‘m not sure I can go about life as I did before. Everythin’s so… different. Everyone’s got phones fer heads, even you.”

I frowned– or I would have, if I didn’t have a phone for a head. “Hey, this wasn’t my choice, I kinda just… spawned in here like this.”

“But still,” Norm interjected, “I won’t be accepted here. That’s jus’ the truth o’ it.” His voice became more intense as he folded his arms in front of his chest. “‘m not sure if I can even go through with this plan o’ ours. Once we do get rid o’ th’ cat, what then? I run off somewhere remote where I won’t be discriminated against? I won’t even be able t’ enjoy the fruits o’ my labor.”

I looked up at him. “Once we’re done murdering Mingus, we need to find a way to get me back home, remember? What you do after that, I’m sure it won’t be too bad.” The words felt foreign from my own speaker. They didn’t feel…right. 

“Look, pardner. I got no idea how we’re gonna find ya a way back to… wherever y’came from. I dunno how long it’ll take us. I jus’ know it won’t be long enough.” That last part was mumbled, but I still caught it. I raised an eyebrow and began to question it, but he kept talking. “Yer one o’ the few people left in this godforsaken town that talks t’me like I’m a human bein’. Maybe it’s cuz ya had a human head once. But I dunno what I’ll do without ya, pardner.”

I felt my stomach flip. He cared about me. I don’t know what it was, but I did feel like I connected to him more than the other NPCs in this universe. I felt allowed to connect with him. Deep down, I knew it was only because we supplied each other something we were deprived of, but I felt lucky to know him. 

“Thanks, Norm,” I borderline whispered. “That means a lot.” 

It was all I could say. I always felt I never said enough in situations like those, but right then, I felt like I had too much to say. But I said none of it. The train was approaching anyway. 

But something had been bothering me. I narrowed my metaphorical eyes at Norm’s American flag cowboy hat before reaching up to lift it from his head. He seemed completely taken aback, even almost offended. I carefully rotated the hat and placed it back on his head. He looked at me like I was completely insane. I shrugged. “It was on backwards.” 

It may have been my imagination, but I could have sworn what little skin I could see of Norm’s neck reddened in embarrassment. 

We boarded the train in content silence. As I expected, the train car was completely empty aside from the occasional rat or cockroach. Standard train protocol, y’know. We didn’t sit down, since neither of us trusted the cleanliness of the seats, but we did hold onto the grab rails for safety’s sake. 

“Hey, uh, hey Norm?” I broke the silence with an inquisitive but mildly amused tone. 

Norm hummed in acknowledgement, turning his head to look at me rather than the roach in the corner. 

I stifled a torrent of snickers that threatened to leave my speakers. “...Is-Is your middle name Gaylord?” 

He immediately became furious, sticky note displaying an aggravated expression. His hands gestured wildly. “My middle name ain’t Gaylord! How many times do I need t’ say this t’ people?!” 

Soon enough, the train began approaching the Downtown Dialtown station. I was relieved– the scent of black mold on that train was becoming atrocious. I turned to Norm once more. “Okay, what’s the plan? We haven’t really come up with how exactly to assassinate Mingus.”

The space cowboy paused to think about my question. “We could always use ya as a distraction while I go ‘n pump ‘er full o’ lead.”

I tensed. I’m not good at distractions– I’m far too awkward for that. I would end up accidentally spilling our whole plan to whoever was guarding the Mayor’s office. It seemed Norm picked up on my hesitation and began proposing a different plan. “How about we break in? Reinforced glass can’t be that difficult ‘t break.”

As I was about to bring up an idea of my own, I noticed the train’s movement become rather rickety. That was odd– Dialtown’s trains were straight ass, but the tracks were fine. At least, they were most of the time. It seemed Norm noticed it too. “Y’feel that?”

I nodded slowly, gripping the rail a little harder. “Probably just some turbulence or something. We’ll be fine, we’re almost–”

There was a distant crashing noise. I froze. Norm froze. My voice became more high-pitched. “Okay, yep, not fine. Get your gun out.”

The cowboy was happy to oblige, retrieving his revolver from its holster and holding it at the ready. I had no weapon, but I brandished my boney fists the best I could. Norm gave me a look. I shrugged. He shook his head. I lowered my fists. 

Not long after Norm pulled his gun from the holster, there was yet another crashing noise, followed by a damn near inhuman screech. When did I sign up to be Doom Guy and conquer the souls of the damned? What the shit?

Before I could even process what had happened, a massive hole opened up in the ceiling of the locomotive right above my head. Dust and pieces of shrapnel went scattering about and I found myself screaming as I saw a silhouetted figure rocketing toward me from the ceiling. Norm damn near tackled me out of the way and pushed me back, shielding me with his body. Alright, okay. Keep it together. 

I peered over Norm’s shoulder to find a person standing at a whopping almost five feet tall, clad in a blue hoodie, neon green basketball shorts, and straight-up twinkle toes. He had a purple phone head and seemed completely unphased by the fact that he just slammed through a train car’s roof unharmed.

…Little Billy. 

“Oh, come the fuck on!” I shouted from behind Norm. I don’t think I’ve ever sounded more pissed off. 

“What’s up, bozos?!” Called Little Billy in his nasally, obnoxious ass voice. I noticed the cowboy in front of me tense. 

“Good Lord, not another one o’ those mobster fellers,” he muttered indignantly. “And it’s a youngin’? Those varmints ‘ave reached a new low.”

I opened my mouth to object, but Little Billy beat me to it. “Nuh-uh! I’m not in the mob! I’m something much worse.” 

When Norm glanced back at me, concerned, I sighed heavily while resting my hand on my dial. “Yeah, he’s worse.”

The cowboy leaned in to whisper to me, “But he’s jus’ a kid.”

Little Billy interjected, somehow hearing Norm despite his whispering. “Yeah! I’m a kid! That means I can get away with all kinds of absolutely diabolical shit!” 

Norm’s sticky-note jaw dropped and he turned to face Little Billy once again. “Who taught y’that kind o’ language?” 

The child jutted a thumb toward his chest. “Me, duh! I came up with most of this ‘language,’ bozo!”

Norm shook his head. “Good Lord, what ‘as this world come t’?”

“But anyway, we got bigger fish to fry!” Billy exclaimed, kicking aside a fallen piece of shrapnel. I flinched as it sailed past Norm and I and slammed into the wall of the train. Speaking of, it was steadily slowing down– just a few more seconds and we could book it. 

I raised my hand and asked “Hey, Little Billy, how did Mingus figure out what we were doing?

Billy shrugged. “Cameras.” The child continued, “I kinda suspected you two would be able to deal with Shooty and Stabby. They’re dumbasses. But me, I have the power to perform an evil monologue.”

As Billy continued yapping, the train finally came to a stop. I nudged Norm. “We have to run. We won’t be able to fight this little shit, not even with a gun. He’s probably rigged this whole car with explosives.” 

Norm looked at me skeptically and mumbled back to me, saying “I believe ya. I ain’t shootin’ a kid anyway.” He slowly holstered his revolver. 

I moved to bolt out of there, but I noticed that the doors hadn’t opened automatically like they were supposed to. I hurriedly turned to Billy and interrupted his villain monologue. “What the fuck did you do to the doors, you little shit?!”

He halted his yapping and sagged. “I glued ‘em together with silly string, bozos! No escape for you!” 

There was a brief moment of awkward silence as Norm retrieved his revolver from its holster, slowly aimed it toward the window on the sliding door, and cocked it. Billy looked at the gun, then at Norm, then at me. I stepped out of the line of fire. 

Norm fired at the window, cracking it enough for me to elbow the hell out of it and shatter it completely. Thank phone-christ for my long sleeves, because I definitely would have had some glass shards in my elbow otherwise. Norm ran up to me and assisted me in climbing out of the window, all while Billy watched in silence. 

Soon enough, we had made it out of the train car and were booking it toward the stairs out of the station. I glanced over my shoulder to find Billy following at a leisurely pace. Why was that more menacing than it would be if he were sprinting after us?! 

“Norm, jesus christ, we gotta find a place to hide or something! It’s only a matter of time until he starts hurling grenades at us!” I cried in a winded voice. 

“Grenades? How did this kid git ‘is ‘ands on grenades?” Norm called back. 

“I dunno, man, it’s Little Billy! He’s an enigma!” 

That was all I said before we reached the stairs, sprinting up them as best as we could. The streets of Downtown Dialtown weren’t as empty as Uptown’s, but still rather barren nonetheless. It was mostly occupied by hookers and homeless people. 

I honestly had no idea where I was going. I did frequent Downtown more than I did Uptown, but my mind was fogged by adrenaline and I wound up turning into a random alley. I skidded to a stop in front of a dumpster, getting an excellent idea. “Norm, get in the dumpster.”

Norm made a disgusted face. “...What?”

I lifted the lid of the dumpster and gestured for him to climb inside. I reasoned in a sing-song voice “Good place to hiiiide.”

Making violently confused gestures with his hands, Norm approached the dumpster and placed his hands on its rim before hoisting himself up and inside. I heard his body thud when it made contact with the bottom of the dumpster and took it as a sign that the container was mostly empty. 

I mimicked his motions, giving the alley a once-over with my optical sensors just to make sure Billy didn’t see us climb inside. Then I pulled myself into the container. Once inside, I knelt and pulled the lid closed. I let out a sigh of relief, mostly unphased by the scent of garbage and other such substances. “Okay. I guess we just hang out in here until we figure he’s gone.”

Norm only nodded. I didn’t know how long we would be here. I noticed a fearful energy filling the air, and it was already becoming stifling.

Yeein' On That 'Haw Ch. 2-- A Hot Cup o' Joe

Before I knew it, I was seated at Norm’s disheveled table, ceramic mug in-hand. The hot liquid inside was quickly heating up the material, making it almost painful to hold. 

“I wasn’t expecting you to have instant coffee on-hand, Norm,” I commented inquisitively. He shrugged, collecting his own mug from the small counter opposite me and leaning up against it. I noticed how he didn’t sit down. “Pays t’ ‘ave somethin’ hot on ya when it gets cold.” He used his free hand to gesture to the miniscule stove against the far wall. “That thing is my only source o’ heat in the winter.” He turned his head to the side in the general direction of the front door. “Got the coffee from some crippled feller who wanted to gimme a ‘housewarmin’ gift.’” He performed air quotes. “Scared ‘im off right quick.”

“Huh. So you’ve been out here for a while, then?” I tilted my head in his direction, choosing to ignore the fact that he presumably pointed a shotgun at a disabled man. And the fact that the disabled man was probably Jerry. Poor guy.

Norm nodded– almost solemnly. “That’s right. Been out ‘ere goin’ on three years.” He lifted his mug to where I assumed his lips were, paused when he remembered the bag on his head, then lowered the mug once more. Ha. Idiot. 

Not like I wanted to drink it myself. Since I got there, I’d hated how the people there absorbed nutrients. Sure, we ate, but I wouldn’t call it ‘eating,’ in the sense of there was a slot in the base of my head that I shoved food into and called it a day. I couldn’t even really taste it. Man, I missed actually tasting things. There was a vague essence of flavor in things, and I could still sense textures, but that was it. 

I hummed in acknowledgement. “I assume that Mayor Mingus has some involvement in you being sequestered in an abandoned shack in the woods.” 

Norm’s grip tightened on his mug. “Ya’d be assumin’ correctly, pardner. That dastardly feline thought it’d be easier t’ exile me than t’ deal with me properly.” 

If I had eyebrows, they would have lifted at that moment. “Mingus exiled you? I didn’t think she did things like that… or that she had the power to do things like that.” I paused to take a steadying breath. “I mean, I can’t say I’m surprised. It’s pretty obvious that she’s one corrupt kitty-cat.”

He scoffed. “Ya can say that again. I swear t’ all the powers that be, once I git my hands on that furry little–”

“Woah!” I interrupted him, holding up a finger. “Don’t finish that sentence. Lemme guess. You’re some kind of ruthless avenger who wants to heal his broken pride and compensate for his lack of action by unnecessarily harming those who have wronged you.” 

He fell into stunned silence. I realized I hit it right on the money and winced. Or I would have, if I had a face. 

Norm cleared his throat. “...I suppose y’ could say that,” he mumbled in a meek voice. 

“Ah, shit, dude, who am I to judge?” I leaned back in my chair and made a wide gesture with my arms. “I can understand why you would want her dead. She’s a corrupt politician who nobody seems to realize is corrupt. Not even that weirdly self-aware guy who lives in a dumpster knows what’s going on with her.” I paused. “Wait… why did Mingus exile you?”

The yeehaw man didn’t answer for a concerningly long time. He only stared at me, as if he were sizing me up. I could feel myself becoming increasingly uncomfortable. 

“Are ya stupid er what?” He finally resumed speaking, causing me to deflate in a mixture of relief and shame. “It’s cuz I ‘ave a head. A normal one, not some…” He pointed with an open palm toward my rotary head. “Plastic box.”

I felt my muscles tense at that comment. I couldn’t blame him for thinking that I have had this thing for a head since I was an infant. But… it still kind of hurt. 

“...Right,” I avoided his gaze for a moment out of discomfort. “So, you’re out here because Mingus doesn’t like people with flesh-heads. That feels almost sort of racist. Classist?... Dial-ist?” I shook my head, hearing the various components rattling about inside. Then I paused. “How do you have a flesh-head in the first place? I thought people around here got their heads replaced when they were babies?”

His sticky note face raised an eyebrow at my phrasing. “It’s a long story,” he didn’t comment on how I was speaking like I was a foreigner in a new country. 

“Well, do I have some good news for you, Mr. Space Cowboy!” I set my mug down on the table, making a soft clattering noise. I leaned forward, placing my elbows on my knees. “We quite literally have all night.” 

Norm stared at me for a long, awkward moment, sticky note displaying a reluctant, narrow-eyed stare. I heard him take a breath before sighing “Fine.”

“Yes! Okie-dokie, space-man, what’s the haps?” I leaned forward even further to the point where I was almost falling out of my chair. 

“Never ask me what th’ ‘haps’ are again.” He pointed a finger in my direction. “And quit leanin’ like that. Yer gonn’ git yerself killed.” I did as he said. I wasn’t going to die before I heard this story. 

Norm took a moment to organize his thoughts before taking a few slow, careful steps in my direction. “The long n’ short of it is that I’m a time traveler.”

I nodded eagerly. “Yeah?”

He paused briefly. “Yer not gonn’ question that?” 

I tilted my head at him. “You wouldn’t believe the shit I’ve gone through, man. Time travel is one of the more believable things I’ve heard in the last couple of years. What’s the context?”

He blinked at me questioningly before continuing. “I used t’ work for NASA back in the days o’ President Crown’s… presidency. Since I had sum experience in th’ Air Force, they stuck me on a special mission.” What kind of backstory was this? How old was this guy? “They sent me int’ a wormhole.”

“Ahh, this is starting to make sense!” I clapped my hands together. “Lemme try to guess what happens next–”

He cut me off with a firm “No,” and I raised my hands in submission. He continued with his story. “Moseyed on int’ the wormhole, came out the other side, n’ everything had changed. Turned out it had been a good sixty years since I left. I landed on Earth, and everyone jus’ casually had phones fer heads. Mingus didn’t like the fact that I was reluctant to git one o’ my own, so she exiled me.” 

I whistled. “Damn…” 

Norm raised a Sharpied eyebrow before sighing. “Yeah. It’s pretty damn tough. I don’t even know if my wife and kids are still around.” There was a melancholy edge to his voice that gave me a sinking feeling in my stomach. If he were in his late twenties when he left– and that’s being incredibly generous– his wife would be in her late eighties or early nineties. If they were any older (which was likely)… the prospects were not looking good. His kids probably all left Dialtown, as kids often do.

I took a sharp breath through my food hole (gods, it’s so gross) and rested a hand above my dial. “I’m really sorry to hear that, man. If it helps, I understand– we’re in sort of similar boats.” 

He closed the distance between himself and the table I sat at to set down his now-cold mug of coffee. “I don’t think y’do, pardner. I’ll bet money that ya didn’t even know quantum jumpin’ was a real thing until jus’ now.”

I draped my arms over the back of the semi-rotted chair I sat in. “Wanna bet?”

“Bet.” His voice became firmer as he folded his arms across his chest. 

A feeling of relief and triumph rose in my chest. I would finally get to tell somebody about what happened without sounding like a crazy person. I cleared my throat. 

“It all started with a very amateur museum robbery with my best bud…

Yeein' On That 'Haw Ch. 11-- God Among Men

Once Norm and I had left the alley, it all seemed to be smooth sailing. Every once in a while, I heard him grumble about my decision to keep the trigger, saying how it was dangerous and we didn’t know what it did and blah blah blah yeehaw blah blah. I was pretty out of it at that point and just wanted to go home. I’m pretty sure we hadn’t slept in like, a day, and I needed my naps, man. I was a sleepy human being.

The streets of Downtown Dialtown seemed less real by the second. I never quite saw this world as being real, because it wasn’t– it was a bunch of code inside of an arcade cabinet. But as I continued to live in it, I found myself becoming attached to it– the way it looked, its funky characters, even my own appearance, I started to not mind it. As much as it upset me that the game’s code didn’t allow me to get too close to the NPCs, I had tried to make it home. But right then, as I walked those empty streets with Norm, it suddenly appeared as it did to me when I first arrived here: flat. A screen. 

I felt a sudden presence to my right as Norm picked up his speed so he could walk at my side. His grip remained firm on his revolver. “Yer walkin’ slower. What’s rattlin’ ya?”

I couldn’t help but hesitate. Even if he knew he was a video game character, he never seemed to mind that. I assumed he took our realities as separate universes, not that he was a smaller being who only existed in a digital space. He had always taken it well. But the thing is, I didn’t want him to feel as if his world weren’t even real to me. I didn’t want him to know that I thought of him as only a character in a video game. 

I thought of how he spilled his thoughts to me back in the subway, and I no longer hesitated. It was unfair of me to keep secrets from him when he so readily told me his. “Nothing here means anything to me, Norm,” I began. “To me, it’s nothing but a bunch of code. Sure, it may feel solid, but it’s just… flat. I know nothing here is actually real, and it really messes with me. I can’t form meaningful relationships with anything.” I looked down at the ground, watching my sneakers as I walked. “Not even with you. I understand that you care about me, and it feels really nice to know that, but… my brain knows that you aren’t real.”

There was a long bout of silence. I didn’t look up at him– I couldn’t. If I did, I might have cried. And I didn’t want to leak any kind of fluid from my phone-head right then. 

Norm finally said something to break the tense silence, his voice taking on a tone I had never heard before from him. It was quiet and heavy, like a dense fog. I couldn’t quite tell if it was sad, angry, or an attempt at maintaining his stoic appearance. “That’s all I am t’ya?”

I immediately stopped dead in my tracks, turning to face him and looking up at his bag-face. His expression was blank. “No, no! I-I just…” I paused, trying to figure out what I should say next. “You’re… you’re… have you ever– uh…” I shook my head to clear it of fog. “Like a pet! You know how like… you love a pet as much as anyone else, but you know it’s gonna die, like, way before you, and you know it’s not as sentient as you, and–”

“I’m like a pet now?” Norm interjected. Now he sounded mildly upset. “That’s how ya think o’ me? Somethin’ t’ be coddled an’ taken care of? ‘Cause I ain’t capable o’ takin’ care o’ myself, right?” 

I frantically shook my head, hearing a panicked edge creep into my voice. “No! You-you don’t understand, Norm, you’re–”

“Because I’m not real, huh?” He interrupted me once more, taking an almost aggressive step forward. I countered it with a step backward. I could hear something new in his voice as it became louder: hurt.  “I ain’t capable o’ feelin’ real emotion. That’s it, right? That’s what ya think? ‘Cause I’m code, huh?” He leaned into my face, practically hissing his next words, “Well, I’ll tell ya what this lump o’ code ‘s feelin’ right now. I’m feelin’ pretty goddamn betrayed.”

His words rang in the air like a funeral toll. My heart sank to my shoes, and I looked down at them as if to try and find it. Norm straightened his back and returned to his full height. Silence blanketed us. 

“I’ll show ya what some NPC is capable of, since y’think yer so special. I’m goin’ after Mingus myself,” Norm spat before turning away from me. “Don’t follow me.” I noticed how hard he was holding his revolver– his knuckles had turned white. I extended a hand to try to get him to wait, but he was moving before I could grab him. 

“Norm, wait, please just let me explain–” I found that my voice had dampened to barely a whisper, and it trailed off before I could even try to say anything else. My feet felt as if they were made of lead. I could only watch him go, my vision blurring with the saline water built into my head that functioned as tears. 

Just as I was about to curl up into a ball right there in the middle of the sidewalk, I heard a high-pitched whistle from directly behind me. I whirled around, trembling, only to find fucking God. “Maaaan, that was rooooughhh,” he slurred.

“Damn it, why can’t I catch a break?!” I cried out, voice cracking with emotion. 

“‘Ey, calm down, I’m just a transfixed audience member,” he said, pulling on the edges of his open shirt as if they were suspenders. “I dunno what soap opera you guys were rehearsing, but that was good.”

“It wasn’t a soap opera, you fuckin’ dick! That was real!” I yelled at him, taking a step closer. I covered my phone-face with one hand, trying to wipe away the makeshift tears. 

The tv-screened man only stared at me for a moment, dumbfounded expression on the dog on the screen’s face before speaking again. “...Ohhhhh! Well, sucks to be you.” He made to leave, only for me to stop him. I had nobody else to talk to. I needed advice. 

“Hey, homeless man, I… really need help,” I mumbled reluctantly. 

He looked at me, confused, for just a moment before turning back around to face me completely. “That’s new, but okay, I guess. I can eat garbage at a later date, if my calendar allows.”

I didn’t question his garbage-eating, only looked down at the ground so I wouldn’t have to look at him while I spoke. “That yeehaw-man, I don’t know how to feel about him. I’m kind of, like, from another universe where this is a video game, so none of you feel real to me. I don’t even know why I’m allowed to get so emotionally close with him.”

God nodded along, humming thoughtfully as if he were listening. I knew he definitely wasn’t. “So you’re from one of those parallel realities, hmm, I see.”

I looked at him weird for a moment before continuing. “Right. Well, I told him this, and he kinda… freaked out. We were gonna murder Mayor Mingus, but now he’s gonna go try to do it alone, which will probably get him killed.”

The homeless man looked at me, dumbfounded once again, only to slap himself in the face. “Oh, you two are the ones I’m supposed to bring to Mingus alive!” He scoffed. “Whoopsie.”

“Come the fuck on, man, why is everyone in this damn city hunting me down?!” I shouted in pure, abject frustration. 

“Yo, broski, I’m not gonna getcha just yet. I think I have a solution to your little dilemma.” God made a face that communicated to me that he was absolutely, soul-crushingly high on something. Probably nectar. “Y’just gotta be there at the right time and the right place, preferably with a lil’ kiss. Lil’ kisses make everything better.”

I paused, looking at him like he was an idiot. “...A lil’ kiss? Really? I don’t even have lips! You didn’t give us lips, God!” 

“You’re ignoring the first part, homeslice.” He restated his previous advice, holding one of his calloused, mysteriously-stained fingers in the air. “Be at the right place at the right time.”

“What does that even mean? You’re just confusing me even more!” I complained. 

“Ahhhh, you’ll get it eventually.” He cracked his knuckles. “Anyway, I’m gonna snatch you up now.”

“...What?”

And just like an arcade machine being unplugged, everything went black.

I spent two hours compiling clips of me being a dumbass. Enjoy

Yeein' On That 'Haw Ch. 10-- Breaking and Entering or Dumpster Diving?

Once I finished assuring Norm that we wouldn’t be in this dumpster for long, I turned around to see if there were any, like… treasures I could fish out of the filth. Maybe if we found some C-4 in this dumpster, we would be able to counter Billy. There were some old banana peels, some burger wrappers, a couple paper cups and–

…There was a man in the corner. 

I immediately began screaming. What else was I supposed to do? There was a man curled up in this dumpster!

Well, I guess I was also technically in the dumpster, but I didn’t know this guy’s intentions. I hardly noticed over my own terror when the unknown man also started screaming. Norm turned around, expression disgruntled, and slammed a hand over my speaker. “‘f you don’t shut the hell up!”

I silenced myself, and the man’s screams died down shortly after. We stared at each other wordlessly for a time. Hang on a second, I recognized this guy! This was the guy I almost witnessed the murder of!... Actually, does it count as murder if it’s a swan? I like to think so. We were in similar boats, him and I. He just dealt with it… far more frequently. I also thought his entire being was funny. Like, he had a bandy-aid on his forehead that read ‘fuckface.’ That’s hilarious! Couldn’t quite remember his name, though. 

Norm immediately pointed his revolver at the man– not quite intending to shoot, but ready to if need be. “Who’re you?” He began.

The fuckface guy lifted his arms in a terrified gesture of submission, pressing himself farther up against the dumpster’s wall. “R-Randy! Randy Jade! Please– Please don’t shoot me!” His flip-phone-head’s screen flickered frantically between various colors, expressing panic. He seemed fucking terrified of Norm, though I could tell it wasn’t just because he had a gun. Now that I got a better look at him, myself and this guy were dressed pretty similarly: hoodie, flannel, some worn jeans– the only difference was the color scheme, of which he wore cooler-toned colors like blue and grey. Fit his overall vibe, honestly. Oh, and the bandages on his hands. Those were pretty wack. 

“Hang on, Randy Jade? The Randy Jade?” I took a step closer to the cowering man. “Like, phone-sex hotline Randy Jade?”

Wow, this was becoming better by the second. I had seen this guy around, but never quite made the connection that he was the same guy with the cheesy-ass introduction on the phone-sex hotline. I never imagined they could be the same person!

Both Norm and our newly-met friend froze. Norm looked at me with his most confused expression yet. “...Y’call phone sex hotlines?”

I paused. “Oh, right, uh,” I waved my hand dismissively. “For funsies. I thought it was funny that there was a phone-sex hotline in a city full of phones. Irony, y’know? I’m a curious person.”

Randy extended a meekly accusatory hand in my direction. “Are…Are you the person that heard my introduction and just… started laughing? Continuously? Until I hung up?”

I snickered at the memory. His introduction was ridiculous! “Yeah, that was me.”

“Oh.” I could practically hear the frown in his voice as his head lowered to look at the floor. “That really hurt my feelings.”

I suddenly felt overwhelming pity for this poor man. But now I was confused– why was he in this dumpster? Oh well, Norm still had a gun pointed at him, I might as well ask. “Say, Randal, what’re you doing in this here dumpster?”

“I live here!” Randy exclaimed, and immediately regretted it. He quieted down. “M-My jobs don’t really pay the bills, so I pay Bunny to let me live in his dumpster.”

Well, he gave us a location, so that was good. Outside Bunny’s Burgers. Christ, I hated that place. The burgers were dry as all hell, and always undercooked. I gestured to Norm to lower his firearm, which he did. “We’re good, Norm, he’s about as dangerous as a cold, wet sock.” Randy did not object to my analysis of his dangerous tendencies. Though, despite Norm having lowered his revolver, the poor man still seemed absolutely petrified of him.

“Does that technically mean we’re breakin’ an’ enterin’?” Norm mumbled to me. 

I paused. I actually wasn’t sure. “Nahhh, I think it just counts as dumpster diving. Not as illegal,” I whispered back to him. I returned my attention to the cold, wet sock of a man before us. “Randy, you’re cool with housing criminals for a little bit, right?”

Randy tensed. “Uh, well, I–”

I cut him off. “Great! We won’t be long.”

I turned to peek out of the little cracks in the dumpster’s walls. I could hardly see anything, but I’m pretty sure there was no Little Billy in the alley. I bit the inside of my cheek in contemplation, trying to think of a way out of this situation. Billy surely knew exactly where we were via some… magical child abilities, probably. We definitely couldn’t fight him, so we had to lose him somehow. 

“Any ideas?” I heard Norm mumble to my right. 

I slowly shook my head. “No. I don’t think so.”

“Well, I got one,” he continued before leaning in closer. He lowered his voice to say “We could always use that destitute feller over there as a distraction. Get ‘im t’ talk t’ the little varmint.”

I paused to contemplate his proposition. I looked at Randy. He did seem like prime Billy bait. If there was one thing I knew about Little Billy, it was that he loved tormenting people with too little self-respect to fight back. I tilted my head. “Huh. That’s not a bad idea,” I commented incredulously. “But how will we get him to do it?”

“I-I’m right here. I can hear you,” a slightly-offended Randy interrupted my thoughts. “What are you guys even running from?”

I didn’t answer his question, only approached to attempt a negotiation. “Randy, buddy,” I laid a hand on his shoulder, probably catching seven different contagious diseases (rabies included) as I did so. I felt the sad, sad man recoil under my touch. “We need you to do us a little favor.” Yes, speaking to him like he was a feral animal was my intention. He probably thought himself as one, anyway. “You like being a good person, right?” 

Randy didn’t notice that I was actually asking him a question until I stared at him expectantly. “Uh… y-yeah, I guess so.” He tried removing my hand from his shoulder, but I only squeezed harder.

“I thought so. Well, now’s your chance. You can actually do something for someone instead of sitting around like a limp, sweaty noodle.” A smile crept into my voice, but not onto my phone-face. “Doesn’t that sound nice?”

“Wh-What are you trying to make me do?” Randy asked. “I’ll do a lot, but there’s certain things I’ve had enough of!” He glanced at Norm. “I’ve dealt with enough cowboys at work that I don’t think phone-hell or heaven will let me in. I think I’ll just be stuck in a wild west style saloon for eternity.” He visibly shuddered. I couldn’t help but briefly question that in my mind, but decided not to talk about it. Norm looked mildly offended.

“We just need you to distract someone, Randy. It shouldn’t be that difficult, just make some crazy noises until we get away. Sound agreeable enough?” I lifted my hand from his shoulder, much to his relief. 

The swan-wrangler fell silent, gaze fixed on his tattered sneakers. “I’m not good at distracting people. I just kind of blend into the background,” he admitted. 

“Not when you’re screaming! You’re good at that, right? You do it a ton.” I lifted my hands in a somewhat motivational gesture, then glanced back at Norm to see if I was doing a good job. Norm only shrugged. 

There was another moment of awkward silence while Randy contemplated my proposition. He was taking a little too long to decide for my tastes, so I gestured to the yeehaw-man behind me. “Oh, and he has a gun. So you kinda have to do what we say.”

That seemed to do it. Randy tensed once more and frantically said “Okay! Okay, I-I’ll do it. Jeez.” I heard him add under his breath, “Why have I had a gun pulled on me thrice this week?” 

I decided not to question that last bit and retracted from Randy’s personal space. “Great! Now we just gotta wait until Billy inevitably shows up–”

“He’s outside,” interjected Norm, his bag pressed against a crack. “Better git on over here, kid.”

I nudged Randy, who hurriedly stood and awkwardly shuffled his way to exterior wall of the container, lifted the lid, and vaulted out. I stooped over to peer through a crack, just as Norm was. We both watched in stunned silence as Randy attempted to strike up a conversation with Billy, who immediately informed him of the grenade he had slipped into his pocket. 

While Randy panicked and fished said grenade from his pocket, Norm lifted the lid of the dumpster, jumped out, and then helped lift me out of it soon after. Thankfully, Randy had used some common sense and gotten Billy to turn his back to us. We began booking it to the end of the alley so we could get the hell out of there. 

Out of seemingly nowhere, Little Billy fucking appeared right in front of us. No, he didn’t like, run up and block our exit, he straight-up apparated. I yelped in shock and skidded to a stop, followed by Norm. 

“Hey, bozos! You should know better!” He vaguely gestured over our shoulders to Randy, who was still holding the grenade (which turned out to still have the pin in it) and seemed just as confused at how Billy blocked our way out. “Guys like him are boring! I need at least some resistance to my torment or it isn’t as fun! That guy doesn’t even have an ounce of self-respect!” I watched as Randy sagged and turned to slink back to his sad-man dumpster. Damn. Poor guy. 

“Jesus Christ, Billy,” I groaned exasperatedly, “Why are you even working for Mingus anyway? Is she even giving you anything?” 

Billy shrugged. “I dunno. Just because.”

I stared at him, dumbfounded. Just because? I guess I should have expected that. It was Little Billy, for phone-christ’s sake. He did all kinds of shit for no reason other than he felt like it. I shook my head to clear it of the confused fog that it was filled with. “Can you just, like… kill us already?”

“Nope! Gotsta keep you alive for the Mayor.” He balled his hands into fists and rested them on his hips in a display of ego. “No death for you, bozos.”

“I swear to Christ, I’m gonna wring your little neck!” I snapped and lunged forward to do just that. Little Billy practically cartwheeled out of the way and held up his hand in a pacifying gesture. I stopped. Man, I really was about to strangle a child. Wow. I heard Norm let out a relieved sigh through his teeth from behind me. 

“Y’know what? I like ya, bozo. You got balls,” Billy mused, not acknowledging the fact that I had just threatened to literally strangle him to death. “I think I’ll leave ya alone. Why not?” He paused for a moment, then perked up. I could pretty much smell the impish grin on his dumbass little phone-face as he reached into his pocket and retrieved a rectangular device from it. 

I fully thought he was about to like… shoot us with a bazooka or something, so I lifted my arms in a defensive gesture. He looked at me like I was the dumbest motherfucker on the planet and gestured confusedly in my direction. “Calm down, bozo, it’s not a bazooka. That’s in my other pocket. You should know this by now.”

I pursed my metaphorical lips. I think my concerns were valid. “Then what the hell is it?”

Billy extended the device in our direction, revealing a walkie-talkie-esque shape with an antenna extending from the top and a big red button in the center like a goddamn cartoon. It was clear what it was: a trigger. For what, I wasn’t sure. “A countermeasure,” the little shit stated, sounding like some sort of mentor in a superhero movie. 

“Alright, vague, but I’ll take it, why not?” I shrugged and extended a hand to receive the trigger. I noticed Norm bristle behind me, and gave him a brief look of concern. His expression remained stoic. 

“I’m gonna vanish from the story now, later, bozos!” Billy exclaimed, using two baby-carrot-ass fingers to salute Norm and I before… literally fucking vanishing. No smoke bomb or anything, he just… disappeared. I frantically looked around, trying to locate the little rat child, but finding nothing but shattered hopes and dreams. 

“...Christ,” I mumbled, resting a hand on my phone-face. “That kid is gonna kill me. Probably. Yeah, he’ll definitely be what causes my death.”

Norm spoke up, taking a place at my side, “Which ‘s why we won’t be usin’ that there trigger.”

I looked at him, confused, prompting him to continue. “Why not?”

After a sigh and some hesitation, he elaborated. “Y’said that kid ‘s basically th’ bane o’ everybody’s existence, right? I don’ trust anythin’ he gives us. We ain’t usin’ that. Might as well throw it away.”

I scoffed incredulously. “We shouldn’t throw it away. If it really is a countermeasure just in case our plan to assassinate Mingus fails– which I’m assuming that’s what he meant– we might very well need it.” I glanced around and leaned in closer to Norm. “As much as it confuses me to believe it, I don’t think Billy would lie about this, and this specifically.”

“And what ‘f it kills us ‘f we use it?” Norm’s voice gained a little bit of volume, which gave me pause. Did he really care that much? I recalled his earlier confession in the subway, and reasoned with myself that yes, he did really care that much. 

I hesitated for a moment. Maybe, I thought, I should just agree with him and throw the trigger away. But my instincts didn’t let me. I just had a good feeling about it– it might have ended up being the thing that saved our asses. Even if Billy supplied it to us. Fuckin’ weirdo. 

“I guess that’s just a risk we’ll have to take, Norm. I’m sorry.” I shoved the trigger into my pocket, being careful not to accidentally press the button in the process. Norm’s expression falled to discontent, and he visibly tensed. I began to worry that I might have pissed him off, but he would just have to deal with it. 

“Fine, you win.” He pointed an accusatory finger in my direction. “But ‘f we die when usin’ that, I’m blamin’ you.”

“You would have blamed me anyway, so I’m alright with that,” I half-joked while turning to face the end of the alley. “Let’s… find the cat, I guess.”

Norm sighed, beginning to follow me once more. “Love seein’ th’ enthusiasm.”