Yall Just Thinking About How Excited Stanley Must Have Been To Host The Twins Alex Says He Smokes Cigars

y’all just— thinking about how excited Stanley must have been to host the twins— Alex says he smokes cigars but he doesn’t smoke once in the show— has a beer gut but he only drinks sodas in front of the kids— doesn’t swear when they’re around which must have taken INCREDIBLE effort— Stanley Pines, known crook, buying pancake mix at the supermarket and many bottles of syrup— learning to cook basic healthy meals and burning so many of them before he gets it right— buying new sheets, new mattresses— avoiding bunk beds because it reminds him of Ford— looking at the attic room he made wondering “is this enough will they like me”— trying to act aloof at the bus stop so he doesn’t betray the fact that he was there hours early— watching them goof around and thinking of New Jersey beaches— then the first night they’re there, he watches them debate running away and only stay because Mabel shook a magic 8 ball. That must have kept him awake all night.

the real antidote to the problem of "everyone is beautiful and no one is horny" is watching old horny shows like mash. nothing but perfectly normal-looking, homely, average people in that show who hook up with each other or unseen partners on a regular basis. hawkeye is absolutely drowning in sex and the man has such a bizarre mismatched set of randomly strong and weak facial features on a noodle body with dogshit posture. and it's GREAT. you can't tell how soft his jawline is because there's always a woman kissing his neck and blocking the camera. i know i riff on people saying they want to fuck mulcahy until he has a religious epiphany but as a butch lesbian with that exact face shape it's been so healing to be like. ohhhh ok so sexuality and attractiveness isn't just limited to the perfect beautiful poreless people on netflix. i understand now

“We are a story telling species. Other animals use tools. Other animals communicate. Every division we try to throw up to separate ourselves from our animal kindred gets knocked down, except this. Human beings have an insatiable drive to organize the world into narrative, both real and unreal. We are the only species to tell harmless lies that our audience knows are lies, in order to delight and inspire. What a heavy burden the truth. What a light gift a fabulation. A lie is a thing with feathers.”

— Cecil G Palmer, ep. 220 - A Radio Jupiter Holiday Special

okay tma bumper stickers

i deserve to be an eel. in a crevice with a bunch of other eels. opening and closing our mouths over and over

There is a crack in the wall. There is a twinge in your heart. There is someone coming, but don't worry, there is also someone going.