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You know you want to hear more about this hero. Click on the heading to read the article.

The Room - a poorly attempted review

This post is dedicated to the friend who gave me his spare ticket. I would say more nice words but his ego is big enough and I already bought him a chicken kebab.

Holy shit, Tommy Wiseau. Holy shit.

On Saturday night I was lucky enough to get a ticket to see The Room. This is one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. I’m gonna frame my ticket. Holy shit.

The Room is described as “the Citizen Kane of bad movies.” Audiences all over the world have gathered together to touch base with their inner bitches and laugh at this film. It’s so bad that it came out the other end and is now cinematic gold.

The Room is the world’s most hilariously confusing soft-core mystery-porn. Who knew that was a genre? I would give a breakdown of the plot but I honestly don’t know what the fuck happened. There was a love triangle. There were framed spoons in the background (of course I’m not kidding). There was a football. There was boning and it was awkward. Things didn’t make any damn sense.

The three primary actors are Johnny (Tommy Wiseau), Lisa (Juliette Danielle) and Mark (Greg Sestero). Johnny is the main character. He has an accent that I can’t place. The best description I can think of is Arnold Schwarzenegger: drunk and high. Mark is his best friend and we know this because it gets repeated. A lot. Lisa is Johnny’s “hot” fiancé but is cheating on him with Mark. Lisa is probably my favourite character out of the lot. Think of the 3 trashiest towns in your area. She is a combination of their finest, but with a super special extra dose of crazy. At one point it’s announced that she is pregnant, but she then back tracks and says that she made it up because she was bored. BORED! Ahahahaha!

It’s like Tommy Wiseau wanted to make a film about the Dawson-Joey-Pacey love triangle from Dawson’s Creek. But he wanted to make everything worse: acting, actors, dialogue, sets, shots - EVERYTHING! He also decided to throw in a bit of the drama from Dawson’s Creek, but didn’t which ones to go with. Happily, Wiseau seems to have looked at all his options and decided that shit, they’re all good! Imma use ‘em all.

Every subplot was picked up and dropped almost immediately. But that's okay because these unexplored subplots certainly bring the LOLs. A secondary character gets roughed up by a drug dealer that he owes money to, and then it's never mentioned again. Another character announces that she has cancer. Her 5-second announcement is all the time that is spent on this. How fabulous is that?

Sometimes/often when I go to movies I end up laughing loudly at inappropriate times. I’m usually the only one. Not this time. The laughter was so intense that I’m pretty sure I stopped breathing a few times. I’ve never been in a movie with audience participation like this. There were waves of plastic spoons being thrown. That’s not an exaggeration – those bastards kept flying over the crowd. After all, why clap when you can throw a spoon? I left the cinema to the sounds of laughter and plastic spoons being crunched underfoot. Good times.

The experience of seeing this film was overwhelming. The movie itself is awesomely bad, but the experience of being in that audience was on a level that I've never seen before. We were still quoting lines from this movie at 3am-ish while eating a Kebab after several hours of drinking. At one point, we were trading/yelling one liners with another table who’d been at the same film. I've spent 3 days working on this damn review because every time I sit down to write something, I get overcome by the whole experience. This wasn't really a film that was meant to entertain and tell a story. This was a vanity project that went horribly wrong. This 'shrine' to Tommy Wiseau's self-perceived greatness has turned him into a bizarre joke and apparently he's cool with it, to the point where he shows up and sells merchandise at midnight screenings.

I knew it was gonna be a good night when I got ID’d while buying a bottle of Tui. It was more than that. It was transcendent. I live in a post-Wiseau world now. Come join me. We have footballs.

unscrupulousmaneater:

I don’t like the way daycares smell.  And sometimes, when people have children, their houses end up smelling like a daycare.  And sometimes those people end up smelling like a daycare.  Like the people that just left our conference room.  They smelled like a daycare.  And now our conference room smells like a daycare.  It smells like gross little children.  Sticky messes, play-doh, stupid plastic-y toy things, diapers, glue and construction paper.  I don’t like it.  Just like I don’t like children.

 Yes, yes, yes, yes. A thousand times, yes.

Today is one of those "never having kids" days...

Pole dancing - it's a sport

Does this mean that walking into strip clubs is now okay, because you are watching athletes perform at their peak level?

Seriously though, I think it's great. YAY!!

whytheyrehot:

Why He’s Hot: 

Hold the fuck up. Is that Shrek on your dashboard? You bet the fuck it is. This motherfucker is an ogre, meaning he’s deep, and he has layers like a motherfucking onion. And a sexy onion, I might add.

He can fucking sing. Is there anything he can’t do? Just imagine that melodic voice screaming out your name. Damn straight, that’s a sound you want to hear.

He’s a family guy. He’d not only fuck your brains out but he’d stick around to raise your kids too. Plus he is good with animals. Just look how caring he is. And here. It makes your heart melt. Plus he’d do anything for his one true love. That could be you, you lucky bitch.

You think you’d get bored of this face? Well he just downs some magic potion and BAM he’s got a new, sexy face. And his fucking donkey turns into a stallion. Damn right, he rides a stallion. You know that shit’ll make your panties wet.

Plus, the only woman you have to fight off is a right munter. Oh and there’s these guys too, but you could just let them join in. If you’re that way inclined. I’m not here to judge.

{submission}

 DAMN!

Bullrush was one of the bestest games ever when I was a kid. I really enjoyed it. Dunno if I'd ever play in this game though. Still, it's one of my favourite ads.