Having A Rough Week. Thinking About How Lucy Dacus Said That She Meant To Deliver The Message That One

having a rough week. thinking about how Lucy Dacus said that she meant to deliver the message that “one day at a time was the right place to aim” through her song ‘Please Stay’. she said when her friends were struggling with suicidal thoughts, she wanted to provide them a way back into life. thinking about how Julien Baker said in an interview that her reason for staying alive was to show other people that there’s a reason to stay alive. thinking about how she once wrote the lyrics “god I want to go home” and then later wrote the lyrics “I changed my mind, I wanted to stay”. thinking about how Phoebe Bridgers said that her song ‘Garden Song’ explores believing that good things are coming for yourself and is about choosing to entertain hopeful thoughts rather than dwelling on your bad ones. thinking about how if Julien Baker had taken her life, then I would not have mine today. something about the nature of hope and survival. something about how much I love these boys and how many times they’ve saved me.

sometimes I can convince myself that I’m okay alone. I say that I like it better this way. I tell myself that I just “haven’t met my people.” but truthfully, when it’s just me, in the dark of the night…I hear the truth being whispered softly into my ear. If I had another option, I would choose it.

I tell myself that I don’t have friends because no one is able to understand me, but at some point, it must be something about me. I pretend that I love my solitude, but I really really really would like to have someone to love. I’d really like someone to hold my cheeks between their hands and say “I love everything about you.”

I feel my love being pumped through my body at speeds too fast to comprehend. My heart must work overtime to keep it all in rotation. At some point, something has to let up, and the body must remove its excess. At some point, I will be unable to contain it, and my love may take on another form. We’re all just trying to escape.

this has been on my mind after coming across a YouTube video where a lesbian discussed how she is ashamed to be a part of the lgbtq+ community. she took pride in being a “normal” gay and not like the “weird” gays. many people in the comments agreed, saying they were gay and happy to find another “normal” gay person.

so let me say this: know the rich history of your community. the leather lesbians, the butches, the drag queens, all of the people who you are denouncing…they are the ones who fought for your right to love. they are the very foundation of the queer community. without their contributions, you would not be able to even make a YouTube video about your queerness. It’s extremely disrespectful to identify those people as “weird” and “not normal” when they are the very people who have paved the way for your existence.

in addition, I’d like to bring in a point that I read about the other day. a lot of younger generations of queer people are toning down their gayness to be acceptable and comfortable for straight people. what I mean is that they dress “normally”, they maintain long hair, they are not vocal about politics, they do not show off pride flags. they also denounce the queer people with dyed hair, short hair, pride flags in their bios, loud political opinions, and other outwardly gay attributes as “weird”. be aware of the ways that “acceptance” has really become limited in the way that many people are only accepting of gay people who are not too gay to be considered “weird”. do not, as a queer person, actively contribute to this.

and finally, please remember that in a world where there is increased division, where more people are attacking lgbtq+ rights, where hate crimes are on the rise…the community is what you have. those “weird” and “not normal” gays are a part of the community that has and will continue to have your back. show some respect.

unfortunately, being gay is extremely painful. the terrors are getting to me. I have decided to be straight. y’all stay safe out there lesbians <333

painfully accurate

thinking about the dichotomy of being a queer woman who fits into neither the feminine nor masculine category. the clear privilege I have when I am embodying a more feminine presentation and am therefore straight-passing. then the fear I experience when I align my appearance with a more masculine presentation and I know that this makes me appear more outwardly gay. the sort of imposter syndrome I have…like can I really claim oppression and voice my experiences with micro aggressions and homophobia as a queer woman when I can also adjust my appearance to appear straight and avoid those things? I have been dwelling on this idea of gender expression and the ways in which my presentation effects peoples treatment of me, but I find it important for me to say that no matter how you express your sexuality or gender identity outwardly, you are still valid in your experiences with oppression and hate. You can both acknowledge that you may have privilege within your queerness while also acknowledging that your identity as a non-straight or non-cis person makes you inherently hold less privilege than straight and cis individuals. anyways…