Having A Rough Week. Thinking About How Lucy Dacus Said That She Meant To Deliver The Message That One

having a rough week. thinking about how Lucy Dacus said that she meant to deliver the message that “one day at a time was the right place to aim” through her song ‘Please Stay’. she said when her friends were struggling with suicidal thoughts, she wanted to provide them a way back into life. thinking about how Julien Baker said in an interview that her reason for staying alive was to show other people that there’s a reason to stay alive. thinking about how she once wrote the lyrics “god I want to go home” and then later wrote the lyrics “I changed my mind, I wanted to stay”. thinking about how Phoebe Bridgers said that her song ‘Garden Song’ explores believing that good things are coming for yourself and is about choosing to entertain hopeful thoughts rather than dwelling on your bad ones. thinking about how if Julien Baker had taken her life, then I would not have mine today. something about the nature of hope and survival. something about how much I love these boys and how many times they’ve saved me.

tbh the very concepts of “feminine” vs “masculine” are entirely man made constructs. just imagine…thousands and thousands of years ago when we were cavemen, do you really think they were like “look at this BLUE sky, it’s so manly and masculine!” or “look at the PINK flower, how feminine and girly!” of course not. because that’s stupid. and do you think they were like “you can’t play with this dirt! girls have to cook!” and “sorry bud you can’t sleep with your friend because he’s a guy and that is a SIN!” NOOOOOOOO.

like there’s nothing wrong with identifying as a woman or a man, and I myself identify as a woman, but I do wonder how much of that is due to the societal definition surrounding femininity. it will be interesting to see how my relationship to femininity and womanhood change as I reconstruct my definitions of those things.

anyways, I think that the increased exploration of gender identities is beneficial to EVERYONE. when we can accept that gender is a construct, we can more freely explore ourselves without worrying about fitting into the boxes of “feminine” and “masculine”

I have a highly complicated relationship with almost everything in life, but most especially with my creativity. I have such a deep, desperate need to create. Every single day without fault I am brought to tears by the idea that my voice will never be heard. It is not that I feel particularly special or that I believe that I deserve to have a voice, but it simply saddens me so much to see a life for myself without that happening. looking at my favorite artists and the ways in which they’ve been able to impact and connect with others through their creations has been the fuel for this ravenous need of mine to create. However, it is not enough for me to just create. I must create something that transcends all expectations. I must make something so impactful, so special, and so meaningful that it tops anything I could have imagined. I need my work to be perfect. It has to be that good because it’s made by me. If my work is not to be tainted by my own hands, then it must be made to be so perfect that not a trace of me is left within it. Of course, this mindset of mine is detrimental to the art itself. Perfectionism, perfectionism. I cannot make something perfect, so I will not make something at all. It is absolutely stupid, and yet this is a constant looming feeling that I cannot escape. And of course, my depression and anxiety create further difficulties for my creativity. I have this pressing, urgent, desperate need to create something so beautiful…and yet, I cannot bring myself to get out of bed and put my hands to work. I believe, somehow, that I have something that I need to say…and yet, I hesitate to share any of my words and I find it immensely difficult to believe any of my work to be worthy in comparison to those already in existence. It feels as though I am a shell. I was born to be an artist and I feel that pressure constantly, yet it feels as though every factor of my existence is working against my ability to create. I feel something just beneath the surface, an eruption of ideas and words waiting to be expressed, but I’m not quite confident that I hold the artistic abilities to translate them effectively. It feels as though someone with more talent and motivation could have been given my brain, and they could have really made something of it. It is a crushing feeling, one that weighs me down more as each day passes.

i don't think it's unreasonable to want music to travel down my ears and reverberate in my chest until im positively vibrating with sounds and explode into music shaped confetti it'd be really cool if that happens

thinking about the dichotomy of being a queer woman who fits into neither the feminine nor masculine category. the clear privilege I have when I am embodying a more feminine presentation and am therefore straight-passing. then the fear I experience when I align my appearance with a more masculine presentation and I know that this makes me appear more outwardly gay. the sort of imposter syndrome I have…like can I really claim oppression and voice my experiences with micro aggressions and homophobia as a queer woman when I can also adjust my appearance to appear straight and avoid those things? I have been dwelling on this idea of gender expression and the ways in which my presentation effects peoples treatment of me, but I find it important for me to say that no matter how you express your sexuality or gender identity outwardly, you are still valid in your experiences with oppression and hate. You can both acknowledge that you may have privilege within your queerness while also acknowledging that your identity as a non-straight or non-cis person makes you inherently hold less privilege than straight and cis individuals. anyways…

this has been on my mind after coming across a YouTube video where a lesbian discussed how she is ashamed to be a part of the lgbtq+ community. she took pride in being a “normal” gay and not like the “weird” gays. many people in the comments agreed, saying they were gay and happy to find another “normal” gay person.

so let me say this: know the rich history of your community. the leather lesbians, the butches, the drag queens, all of the people who you are denouncing…they are the ones who fought for your right to love. they are the very foundation of the queer community. without their contributions, you would not be able to even make a YouTube video about your queerness. It’s extremely disrespectful to identify those people as “weird” and “not normal” when they are the very people who have paved the way for your existence.

in addition, I’d like to bring in a point that I read about the other day. a lot of younger generations of queer people are toning down their gayness to be acceptable and comfortable for straight people. what I mean is that they dress “normally”, they maintain long hair, they are not vocal about politics, they do not show off pride flags. they also denounce the queer people with dyed hair, short hair, pride flags in their bios, loud political opinions, and other outwardly gay attributes as “weird”. be aware of the ways that “acceptance” has really become limited in the way that many people are only accepting of gay people who are not too gay to be considered “weird”. do not, as a queer person, actively contribute to this.

and finally, please remember that in a world where there is increased division, where more people are attacking lgbtq+ rights, where hate crimes are on the rise…the community is what you have. those “weird” and “not normal” gays are a part of the community that has and will continue to have your back. show some respect.