Having A Rough Week. Thinking About How Lucy Dacus Said That She Meant To Deliver The Message That One

having a rough week. thinking about how Lucy Dacus said that she meant to deliver the message that “one day at a time was the right place to aim” through her song ‘Please Stay’. she said when her friends were struggling with suicidal thoughts, she wanted to provide them a way back into life. thinking about how Julien Baker said in an interview that her reason for staying alive was to show other people that there’s a reason to stay alive. thinking about how she once wrote the lyrics “god I want to go home” and then later wrote the lyrics “I changed my mind, I wanted to stay”. thinking about how Phoebe Bridgers said that her song ‘Garden Song’ explores believing that good things are coming for yourself and is about choosing to entertain hopeful thoughts rather than dwelling on your bad ones. thinking about how if Julien Baker had taken her life, then I would not have mine today. something about the nature of hope and survival. something about how much I love these boys and how many times they’ve saved me.

i don't think it's unreasonable to want music to travel down my ears and reverberate in my chest until im positively vibrating with sounds and explode into music shaped confetti it'd be really cool if that happens

I have a very extreme viewpoint with my life. It’s like when I envision my life, even if I have many of the things I want, if there’s not everything I want, then I immediately say “it’s not worth it. I don’t want it.”

like people always say “you can’t have it all.” but sometimes survival takes so much for me that I can’t hold onto having “some”. if it’s going to be enough for me to keep fighting, it has to be “all”. pretty tough

I have two modes:

(1) I love and adore you. I am prepared to do anything to be with you. I don’t care what the relationship looks like or how I’m treated, as long as I get you in my life.

and…the second an unknown, imaginary line is crossed in my head where I feel disgustingly clingy and it feels entirely unreciprocated:

(2) I am completely done with this. I feel disgusted at how much I am pouring into this. I will never reach out again or interact with you unless you facilitate it yourself. then I will re-evaluate

I think boygenius’ dynamic as a whole but in particular Lucy Dacus’ music is so beautiful because it depicts friendship with a level of genuine love that I find western society (and arguably the majority of cultures) undervalues so constantly we often forget it exists. Next to no other artists write songs about friendship which play like love songs in the way her music does.

thinking about my sweet baby cousin and this adorable little kitty that we found on the farm at my uncles wedding this weekend. it was so lovely and warm and beautiful.