Mineralaccident:

mineralaccident:

I don’t want to keep secrets, in fact I’d like to give them all away, but the problem is that such an ability is not in my repertoire. I hold on to everything. Every memory, feeling and moment of my life. But secrets are one thing I don’t want to hold on to. In other news, I was in a bad mood...

My interpretation of this may not be the way Larry himself wrote it out but there's a certain way this applies to me. These words are so strangely intertwined in my idea of living comfortably.

I so desperately want to cut myself open and have you read me but I would hate that there is a strong possibility you will dislike what you see.

I want to tell you my dreams and yet the very idea of you shooting them down inhibits me from doing so.

I want you to know but goddamn it you can't. You can't because it places me in a ridiculously vulnerable position. Not only am I open and bleeding while you criticize every drop but I am indebted to those who unknowingly carry a deadly weapon with them. Anxiety and paranoia rises in me as I realize that my secrets are no longer safeguarded by lock and key in my impenetrable vault. Now they are left to the security of a system I know nothing of. Who's to say how they use this secret? I am forever at their whim and I cannot have that. Injurious are not the secrets themselves but their placement in the hands of one who can do terrible damage when they are thrown back at me with spiteful malice. I'd rather keep them to myself.

I cut and I bleed and I embarrass easily - Michael Jackson

There's a weird thing I do. I'm a commuter student but I don't memorize the bus schedule. So when I go to the bus stop and I see the bus waiting there I don't run, even if that means I might miss it. I keep the same pace and I think "if it goes, it goes." If that means waiting for another bus to come, so be it. It's odd because when I'm on the bus I see others running for the bus, most times they get on but sometimes the bus drives off leaving the person huffing and irritated. I don't want people seeing me run only to have the bus drive away. My failed attempt would become known and I am left with embarrassment as those who were privileged enough to get on the bus pity me, laugh at me or simply don't care. But this mindset goes so much further than that. 

Guys are like buses to me. (That sounds so sexist.) I tell myself "if this doesn't work out there will be another one coming along." I don't want others to think I am putting too much effort into the relationship because I don't want others to watch me embarrass myself, like the passengers on the bus. I don't want them to pity me. But then that leaves the guy feeling as though I don't care and really he's the only one that matters. If I fight hard enough, run fast enough he'll know it's him and he'll wait, taking me where I need to be. But then again, just like bus drivers, some guys are assholes and leave anyways which is fine, I don't die. Sure I'll have to wait again but that guarantees my place for the next one that comes along. But then again that last guy could've been the one that I needed, like the bus that can take me to the place I need to be. But he'll never know because he sees me in his rear view mirror putting in no effort. Like the bus driver, eventually the guy will leave leave because he thinks I'm waiting for someone else. 

A question from my childhood

"On life's road the past is behind you, just keep moving forward."

What if I stopped? What if I turned to my right causing my path to go on a tangent? Where am I going then? I've always wondered this. There's always this expectation of straight and narrow but never an explanation of what happens when it's not followed. Do I go back and keep going forward? What I no longer like the future road and decide on a detour? Don't really know what this is for. Just converting my thoughts to typed words.

Naivety

Every time I turn and walk away my heart thumps against my rib cage and my eyebrows automatically stitch together trying to quell the tears. However, they do not fall. They do not fall because I know there are certain amount of steps I will take before yours begin to parallel my own. This mentality is not preparing me for the day when my steps are disregarded. I take for granted the amount of times you follow because I don't deserve it anymore. In all honesty you deserve to create your own path and shouldn't be obligated to follow mine. Please, run away.

Non, je ne regrette rien.

Edith Piaf

Her feet are firmly planted on the ground yet her soul soars above possibility.