When The Devil Drives.

when the devil drives.

pairing — jeonghan x fem!reader ft. bestie!joshua

word count — 23.7k

genres — road trip au, exes to friends with benefits to lovers, fighting as flirting, angst, fluff, smut (fingering, vaginal penetration, dirty talk, slight praise, cunnilingus)

warnings — toxic relationships, swearing and threatening language, explicit sexual content, they're both infuriating (yes that needs a warning, trust me)

summary — when your best friend breaks his leg and cancels your summer getaway, jeonghan turns up in his place to take you home from college on what was supposed to be a five hour car ride. except he has other plans, and you end up with more than you bargained for on a week-long road trip to nowhere with the cynical, silvertongued ex-boyfriend whom you're still kinda sorta in love with.

note — it's finally done. the bane of my existence. please enjoy the fic that made me so stressed that it delayed my period by like a week. on a lighter note, there's a playlist. enjoy <3

go to main masterlist | svt masterlist

THREE YEARS EARLIER.

The person in the mirror is not you.

The person in the mirror is beautiful when you’ve only ever felt pretty, mature even though you still feel like an overgrown child, and confident despite the fact that your heart is beating right out of your chest. Despite her makeover skills being limited to being practiced only on fortnightly dates, your mom has actually done an incredible job with you. Long hours of youtube video-watching and swatting you to remind you to sit still have finally paid off.

You trail your lilac-coated fingertips over your bare collar, marveling at the way your skin throws off light. It probably wouldn’t take much to convince your friends that it’s actually makeup instead of sweat doing the job, but it probably isn’t worth it. You stand up, looking down at the ruffled skirt of the purple dress you picked out at the mall weeks ago. Then, glancing back up at the mirror, you lift a hand to your arm, giving it a light pinch.

The yelp leaves your lips right as your mother opens the door to your bedroom, gesturing frantically with a makeup brush. “Honey, he’s here,” she informs you in a rapid hiss, looking as giddy as if it were her final prom night. “Get downstairs, quickly.”

“But my phone, and my purse—”

“They’re downstairs. First drawer of the credenza.” She slams the door shut before you can get a word in, leaving you standing in the middle of the room feeling even more alone than before.

You begin chewing on your bottom lip, and stop when you remember her specific instructions against ruining the lipstick. Smoothing down the ruffles with fluttering hands, you cast one last, yearning glance at the full-length mirror before going to the door, unlocking it gently and stepping outside.

The walk to the edge of the staircase is short, but it feels like more than an hour has passed by the time you get to it. You take a deep breath, clutching the balustrade with trembling fingers, and pause.

The noise had gone unnoticed by you earlier, owing to the anxious clamoring of overlapping thoughts in your head, but now if you pay attention you can hear your father’s stern tones, no doubt questioning your date at the front door. Anxious once more, you take a step back, wringing your hands. You carefully tuck a lock of hair behind your ear, running your hands over your skirt again, letting the texture of the ruffles calm you down. Okay, okay, I can do this, you think, placing the ball of your thumb between your teeth. It’s no big deal.

No big deal at all.

“Dad, quit grilling him,” you call out, and finally step into view. Your father looks up, and so does the poor boy he’s been cross-examining for who knows how long. You feel your face heat up at suddenly being brought into the spotlight, but manage a small smile.

You think you see your dad’s eyes misting over, but then your eyes automatically stray over to the person whose reaction you’ve been anticipating more. Your date is standing there slack-jawed, the top of his slightly-loosened tie visible as the bouquet of roses in his hands droops from inattentiveness. 

“Hi,” you say shyly, pleased at his reaction. Then, raising your hands above your dress, you give him a slow twirl. “So,” you say breathlessly, “how do I look?”

Jeonghan’s eyes are bright with fervor, the grip on the plastic cover around the flowers tighter than before, which you can tell by the way the blood has receded from his knuckles.

And he doesn’t say anything at all.

NOW.

“And done,” you say, slapping the end of the packing tape on the side of what you hope is the last carton. Then, still squatting, you place a hand on the side and lean back to examine your handiwork. To your dismay, the end of the tape has already begun to curl. "You think that’ll keep?"

"Absolutely," your roommate, Mina, hums in a way that tells you she isn’t listening. You glance back at her exasperatedly, and she gives you an apologetic grin. “Listen, I’m beyond caring at this point. That was the last of them, right?”

“Checklist.” You point at her, and she sighs, her acrylic nails tapping against the glitzy pink clipboard in her hands. 

“Yes, mother.”

Straightening, you place your hands on your hips and survey the area like the captain of a ship sailing into unknown waters. Your shared room, which had once been a safe haven strewn with comforters and fluffy rugs, is now overrun by corrugated cardboard boxes, some bulging and some rattling, almost all sealed unevenly with old dried-up tape. You rub your creased forehead. “I feel like we should’ve gotten professionals to do this work for us. The RA even recommended someone who gives out discounts for people who move before summer.”

“Are you kidding? We did a pretty bang-up job, considering this was all last-minute, and for free too,” Mina exclaims. “Plus, I would never trust a stranger with my ceramic dolls.” 

“You wouldn’t trust me with them, and I’ve been holding your hair up while you vomited in the toilet for months,” you complain. “Did we pack everything?”

She hums under her breath again, chewing on her bottom lip as her eyes roll down over the checklist. “I think so. Did you finish packing?”

“Yep.”

Mina looks sideways at one corner of the room, where your lone olive-green suitcase sits flush against the wall. “I still don’t understand how you’re going to survive a whole summer on just that.”

“It’s not a whole summer,” you correct. The thought of leaving fills you with a buzzing excitement, and you have to bite your lip to stop the smile from unfurling like a banner over your face. “Just a couple of weeks out in nature. And maybe a few motels. Neither place really requires much clothing.”

She makes a face, but dismisses the line of conversation with a wave of her hand. “Whatever you say,” she says. "Now, help me push these out into the hallway?"

You groan, but oblige. It’s mostly your fault that the two of you had to pack everything yourselves, since you picked the last possible day to move out before you’d have been thrown out of the dorms. Most of your stuff is already gone, but as a dutiful roommate, you’d promised Mina that you’d help her out before leaving for the summer. So, here you are, running on less than three hours of sleep, having spent most of this morning and the night before squeezing piles of clothes into boxes and folding bubble wrap like splints.

When you’re done, Mina takes the elevator down with you, and the sole suitcase you’re carrying feels even lighter than it is after all the boxes you'd been lugging around. When the metal doors slide open at the ground floor, you let go of a breath you hadn’t realized you’d been holding.

Mina pats your hand. Her clipboard is still tucked under her arm. “Don’t be so worried.”

You let out an uncertain laugh that fades quickly into a grimace, fingers clenched tight around the handle of your suitcase. “Why would I be worried?”

She pries your fingers out of their vice-like grip. “Exactly,” she says, grabbing the handle in your stead and pulling the suitcase out of the elevator, leaving you to awkwardly follow along, not quite knowing what to do with your hands. “After all your unfounded confidence in your packing and planning skills, it would be a shame if you lost faith in them now.” You can’t help but smile a bit at that, but for some reason, you still feel squeamish. “We’re not late, are we?”

Pushing your irrational anxiety aside, you hurriedly check your watch. “Well, um, a little,” you say with a shrug, “but Josh makes it a point never to show up until it’s fifteen minutes past our appointment.”

“So it’s all dandy then,” she says, her voice a bit further away, and when you look up you realize that she’s more than just a few steps ahead of you despite the heels and the suitcase, and you hasten your step. “Just make sure to check your pockets for condoms—”

“Mina.”

“—and your phone and wallet, and pepper spray.” She catches the stern look on your face. “You know, just in case.” She stops suddenly, and you almost trip over your own luggage. You look up at her in exasperation, but stop short upon noting the confusion on her face. “Is that Joshua?”

You follow her gaze across the parking lot, and spot the unmistakable blue Corolla parked a couple spots over. There’s a figure leaning against the side, his stark blonde hair makes the heated air shimmer like a halo over his head. Your first thought is oh, he dyed his hair. Your second is that’s not Joshua.

“What?” Mina looks confused, even as she falls into step beside you as you begin to stalk your way through the lot. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing yet,” you mutter as you reach the car. The blonde looks up, and your heart jumps into your throat. “What the hell are you doing here?”

The boy who is not Joshua tilts his head questioningly. “Why the cold reception?” Jeonghan asks. 

You raise your eyebrows, incredulous, and are just about to open your mouth to elaborate on just why he’s getting a cold reception when Mina places a placating hand on your arm. “Hi, I’m Mina,” she says, putting on a bright smile, no doubt to outweigh the dark glare you’ve directed at his face. “The roommate.”

“Jeonghan.” He inclines his head with a neutral yet pleasant smile of his own, glancing at you. His smile falls almost comically upon seeing the expression on your face. “The…”

“You didn’t answer my question,” you interject, relentless. Mina is looking more and more discomfited by the second, but you scarcely notice. 

“The ex,” Jeonghan completes. He then turns to you, raising a cool eyebrow. “I thought you knew,” he says.

“Knew what?” You demand. 

He straightens, slowly drawing his hands out of his pockets, and you almost regret asking the question. Always the dramatics, you think bitingly. “That there’s been a slight change of plans.”

There was a time you thought you could trust Joshua Hong.

For the major part of your life, he had been the one person you could rely on for (mostly) everything, even when that something involved needing someone to catch you when you snuck out your window at 2 a.m., or knowing you’d always have a clean band-aid to use if you scraped your knee biking through a junkyard.

That time was approximately a minute and twenty seconds ago, when you hadn’t pulled out your phone with its unrepaired crack and checked the unread messages—the most recent of which were from him. It says sorry, and that he’s broken his leg and won’t be able to drive you from your dorm for the planned road trip. The crack lands right over the word sorry.

You know it’s been a minute and twenty seconds because you’ve been counting.

It’s like a bubble has burst inside your chest. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” you mumble softly, clenching your fingers tighter around your poor phone, which might end up with another crack if you squeeze it any further. “And he couldn’t tell me this before.”

“So you’ve been saying,” says the unwelcome replacement Joshua sent in his place. Jeonghan doesn’t have a trace of sympathy on his face as he folds his arms across his chest and checks the time on his watch. “Not to sound like an asshole, but it’s already three o’clock. We were supposed to be in town before dark, and it’s at least five hours from here.”

His voice is flat, utterly unsympathetic to your frustration. You’re still reeling, which is the only reason you don’t snap back immediately. It’s bad enough that your best friend isn’t here after all the work that went into planning and budgeting your trip, but Yoon Jeonghan’s presence is like salt on the wound. 

Maybe you’d say something snarky if it hadn’t been eight full months since you’d last talked to him. If the anger from your last conversation hadn’t faded over the long months and turned into something more…malleable. Manageable, as if you could ever have associated the word with him, with the feeling that you were swallowing hot coals every time you looked at him. You still remember the last time you talked to him in painstaking detail, and as you realize that fact, the memory comes rushing back, alongside the feeling that you’re going to throw up.

“So...that’s it?” You don’t know if you’re supposed to be nice to him. Exes have never before been an issue for you because you’ve never really had one before. “Joshua breaks his leg, so he sends you over.” Like nothing ever happened between us, you want to say, but your tongue seems to curl up when you try. “As a stand-in?”

The corner of his mouth twitches, and you can tell he’s holding back some words of his own. “Call it what you want, sweetheart,” he says, and you feel like you’ve been slapped across the face.

Part of you knows that he’s just trying to rile you up, but unfortunately, he’s had a lot of practice at it, so it’s working. You find yourself wishing that you hadn’t sent Mina away with nothing more than a short hug and a few words, but ever since you spotted Jeonghan across the parking lot you’ve been feeling about as steady as a salt shaker. Some support right now would’ve been nice.

Your fingers unclench from around the phone. There’s two ways this could go—the good way, in which both of you pretend that nothing ever happened, or the bad way, and you don’t even know what the worst case scenario could be. Jeonghan has never been a patient person, but right now, even as you stand silently in front of him after months of no contact, he seems unresponsive. Something hurt and hungry rears its head inside you at his hollow indifference, and you taste a familiar venom at the back of your tongue.

But you’re not going to give him the satisfaction. 

“Why are you doing this?” you ask instead.

Jeonghan shrugs. You’re not sure if you just imagined the tension going out of his shoulders. “I owed Joshua a favor.”

You raise your eyebrows. “You expect me to believe that?”

His lips thin. “Would you believe me if I said it was a big favor?” he asks casually, but his shoulders are tense again.

You’re aware of the intensity with which you’re watching him, and the fervence with which he’s avoiding your gaze. “No.”

“Figured.” He looks away right before you manage to catch the look in his eyes. “Is that all you’re carrying, or…?”

You look back at your olive green suitcase, the handle still pulled out, lying forgotten a couple of steps away from you. You don’t remember having moved towards Jeonghan during the course of your conversation, and you’re surprised enough by the realization that your chest tightens for a second. “That’s all,” you say numbly, and Jeonghan turns to pull open the car door.

“Well, then, we don’t have all day,” he says, gesturing to the seat. You feel a twinge of irritation again, but say nothing, roughly grabbing the suitcase handle and yanking a door open. Asshole, asshole, asshole, you chant in your head. This is going to be the worst drive of your life.

Even worse, you find it impossible to fall asleep.

Somehow, it’s not the noise. Jeonghan doesn’t whistle, and he doesn’t turn on the radio, or try to make small talk that would make you want to tear your hair out. He remains perfectly silent, not saying a single word to you after starting the car, not even an offer to stop by a corner store or for a drink of water. It’s been some time since the loud city faded into empty, expansive grasslands on either side of the highway, but you’re still wide awake.

Maybe it’s the silence that keeps you up, or whatever it is that it implies. You’re on edge, and your mind is churning, struggling between being mad at Joshua or being mad at Jeonghan or being mad at yourself for giving a shit. You’re still so shaken by Jeonghan’s sudden reappearance that you haven’t even begun to process anything else.

I’m going home, you think numbly, but even that thought evokes only a dull response in you. You think about the weeks building up to the summer, the calls with your dad. Your not-so-meticulously packed suitcase lies in the car’s boot, probably collecting dust if you know anything about the state of Joshua’s car. Much like all your dreams of summer. No beers, and no swimming pools, and certainly no Joshua.

You look over at Jeonghan again, but he doesn’t even seem to notice. You must be in a daze, because for a moment, you think about leaning over and nudging him.

What makes seeing him so much worse is that he looks almost exactly the same as he used to. The same hands, the same eyes, even his hair is still bleached the same silvery-white. The first button of his white shirt is opened, revealing a sliver of tanned skin inside. He always wore pressed shirts and sweater vests—and here a venomous thought enters your mind—when he really should be wearing a straightjacket instead.

When you knew him a year ago, he had been beautiful, but it was a beauty that was yours to possess, to kiss and to touch and to hold. He’s still beautiful, but now it’s the kind of beauty that makes him untouchable. The kind that belongs behind a glass pane, like a fragile display made out of cards or glass or papyrus in a museum exhibit that you would stare at with wonder in your eyes, yearning to reach out but holding yourself back knowing that a single touch could send it crashing to the floor. No, you can’t allow yourself to touch him now.

So you cross your arms, tuck your fingers under your biceps, and turn to glare out the window instead.

You switch with him after the first stop at a gas station.

“I’ll be right back,” Jeonghan had told you before heading in, and you’d taken the opportunity to get out and stretch your legs. When he comes back carrying a plastic bag from the convenience store, it takes him a few minutes before he notices standing forlornly in front of a tree.

“What?” he asks, only half curious. It’s a tall three, thick-trunked, with segmented branches that end in spiky gray-green leaves that make it look like a high school rocker with too much hairspray.

“It’s a Joshua tree,” you reply mournfully.

“Oh my god,” he mutters, and you turn to him with an evil look in your eye as you begin the walk back to the car. “He broke his leg, not his neck.”

“Of course it’s all the same to you,” you fire back. Jeonghan unlocks the Corolla with short, sharp movements that show his exasperation, and tosses the keys to you. You catch them, going around to the driver’s seat, as he leans in and pushes against the lumpy plastic bag, trying to make space for it on the dashboard. “A broken leg is pretty painful.”

“More painful for you than him, apparently,” Jeonghan grunts. With a final push, he manages to make the bag stay, and climbs into the car, shutting the door behind him before pulling on the seatbelt. He turns to look at you with his forehead furrowed as the car starts rolling forward. “I thought you wouldn’t want to drive.”

“Why, because you think I’m sulking?” you ask, offense creeping into your voice. Your neck is already coated in sweat, and you’re not sure if it’s because of the weather or just a bodily reaction to your feelings.

“I’d say it’s normal to be upset about your best friend being hurt.” Jeonghan shrugs.

“I’m not upset about that,” you snap. 

“You’re not upset about your best friend being hurt?”

“I am. I just mean—” You break off, irritated. The sweat is now drying because of the hot air coming in through the open tops of the windows, making your skin itch. You just twist your shoulder backwards, unwilling to let go of the steering wheel because if you do, you might just sock Jeonghan in the mouth. “It kind of brings things to a halt. For both him and me.”

Jeonghan leans against the side. “I wouldn’t call one canceled trip bringing your life to a halt.”

Your head is beginning to hurt. “You’re right,” you say testily. “It’s just really fucking inconvenient.”

“Inconvenient?” he echoes. “You get to go home to sweet Joshua. Nurse him through his grievously traumatic injury. It could be a bonding experience, unless you’re bent on calling the poor incapacitated boy an inconvenience.”

“I never—” You grit your teeth, forcing down your rising anger. The heat has begun to crawl like a swarm of fire ants, up your neck and down your back. “I’m surprised he only broke his leg,” you say savagely. “Considering that he thought of sending you in his place, instead of literally anyone else, I wonder how he didn’t get a concussion instead.”

Jeonghan laughs. “All this anger over a little road trip? What exactly were the two of you planning to do, pray tell? I feel like I’m missing out.”

You kiss your teeth, thinking better of responding with another biting comment. Your skin is sweaty and itchy and hot and there’s still a good four hours before you get home. Going at it with him isn’t going to help your mood. You tell yourself that it’s been eight months, you’ve grown, you’ve become a better person. You’re not going to fall for his bait.

Then Jeonghan says, “You could always tour his bedroom.”

In your head, you slam on the brakes, bringing the car to an immediate halt for dramatic effect. In real life, however, you’re painfully aware of how Jeonghan’s lack of a seatbelt would send him flying into the windshield, so you slow down before coming to a rolling stop at the side of the road. Your throat feels like hot lava.

“Really?” the perpetrator asks, raising an eyebrow. “It’s the witless bedroom comment that gets you?”

You clench and unclench your jaw a couple of times, trying to bring your temper down, but to no avail. Your hands on the wheel are unusually tight, as if trying to close into complete fists around it, so you have to forcefully pry your fingers apart before you unlock the door and step out of the car.

Jeonghan copies your movements, getting out of his seat to lean over the hood of the car, his posture suggesting curiosity rather than sympathy. His lips part, no doubt in preparation to say something to push you over the proverbial edge, and warning bells go off inside your head.

“Shut up,” you snap, and he recoils, blinking in surprise.

“I didn’t—”

“Shut up,” you repeat decisively, turning to level your gaze at him like the tip of a sword. “I didn’t ask for you to be an ideal travelling companion, but the least you could do is shut the fuck up.”

Jeonghan says nothing, but his eyes stay on your face, intent and oddly unnerving. You force yourself to look away lest you give away some kind of weakness in your expression—being civil is your best bet to last the duration of the ride, but this is still a push-and-pull. With him, it always is.

“This was supposed to be the last summer we had before graduating and getting jobs and moving to different parts of the country,” you say through clenched teeth. “It wasn’t even going to be that big of a deal—just being on the road for a few weeks with each other for company, having no responsibilities, no destinations, and no deadlines. And then he had to go and fuck himself over, and fuck me over in the process, and now it’s weeks and weeks of work gone to waste, and all I’ve been looking forward to is dust. And on top of that, you had to come in and do what you do best, which is twist everything I say and make me feel like shit about it like it's your god-given right to ruin my life. So, yeah, it’s the fucking—” 

The anger seems to have gone out of you somewhere towards the end, and you feel yourself deflate like a pricked balloon. “And it’s so fucking hot, too,” you mumble, burying your face in your hands. Then, face still covered, you laugh, feeling ridiculous and petulant like a child after throwing a temper tantrum about a broken toy. “Sorry. I’m sorry. It’s not your fault for having to drive me, and it’s not Joshua’s fault for getting his goddamned leg broken. I’m just…” You struggle to find the right words to express your frustration, but ultimately give up. “It’s so hot,” you whisper.

Your face burns, and you’re no longer sure if it’s from anger or embarrassment. It’s unusual for you to lose your composure, but you must have been more affected by this than you had imagined. Or maybe it’s just Jeonghan bringing out the violence in your emotions again.

Speak of the devil. Jeonghan steps around the front of the car and comes to a stop in front of you, hands very still at his sides, yet tensed as if they’re about to move. Suddenly you feel very tired, and very, very small.

“Let me drive the rest of the way.” His tone is gentler than you expected, but you’re still not brave enough to meet his eyes. He hesitates, like he’s about to say something else, but then his lips press into a thin, concerned line. You remember that expression from years ago, his eyes warm, a hand reaching over to curl around yours. Now, it just feels alien.

“Get some rest,” he finally says, and you don’t have the heart to fight back.

It’s been half an hour, and you still haven’t said a word to each other. Whatever pretense of cordiality you thought could be preserved is gone—if it had even existed in the first place—and the tension in the air is thick enough that you could carve something out of it. You’re beginning to get a little tired of the silence, now that the noise in your head has begun to quiet down just enough so you can actually think.

At least he’s turned the air conditioner on, which is a small mercy. You don’t know how you forgot about it before, but it probably had something to do with your rising irritation and the complete lack of awareness due to your blinding rage. Maybe if you’d just retained enough sense to turn the stupid freaking air conditioner on, you wouldn’t have had a loud, embarrassing breakdown in the middle of the freeway.

“I can hear your internal monologue from all the way over here,” Jeonghan says, making you start. It’s almost as if he actually can hear every single one of your thoughts—which shouldn’t be so surprising, considering your history. Your heart’s startled palpitations turn into a painful squeeze. “Stop thinking so hard and get some sleep.”

“It’s not like I’m not trying,” you mutter. “I’m just…restless.”

“Can’t wait to get home?”

You scoff. “Yep,” you say, dragging the syllable sarcastically. “Can’t wait to get home.”

Jeonghan catches your eye in the rearview mirror. There’s something quietly thoughtful brimming behind his eyes, and although you can’t quite put your finger on why, it makes you sit a bit more easily. It could be that you’re glad he isn’t too mad at you—people pleaser that you are—but it’s more likely that the look is…familiar. Familiar enough that relaxing in reaction to it is an instinct your body hasn’t gotten rid of just yet. Fucking biology. “We don’t have to go home if you don’t want to,” he says with pretend nonchalance, looking away.

You laugh, a little sadly, and uncross your arms to rub your hands down your biceps. “Where else am I supposed to go?”

It’s quiet for another moment. This time, it’s you who can almost hear the gears turning in Jeonghan’s head. You can’t help but anticipate what he’s going to say. “I don’t know,” he says, voice so muted that you have to look at his mouth to make sure you can correctly make out what he’s saying. “Where were you planning to go with Joshua?”

Your breath catches in your throat. “No,” you say firmly right as he asks the question, your voice a little rough and more than a little hoarse. You’re sitting stock-still now, like you touched a live wire and have been electrified in place. “Don’t even think of going there.”

He shrugs, and you can see the slightest hint of tension in his neck muscles when they flex with the movement. “If we take the highway, there’s a motel about half an hour from—”

“Don’t,” you say through your teeth. He’s still not looking at you. “Jeonghan, stop it.”

“Two days,” he says, unrelenting. His eyes finally flicker to yours, and you feel something stutter in your heart when you see the first hint of genuine emotion in his expression. The first time in eight months. “If we take the U-turn up ahead and keep going, it takes two days to lead up to the bay. Just two days. We could stay in a bed-and-breakfast, and if you still want to go back after that, I’ll take you home. No stops.”

You swallow back the dry patch in your throat. It feels wrong to see him like this, so eager when he greeted you with all the warmth of an icicle just a couple hours ago in the parking lot behind your apartment building. You know some part of it is because of your unintended meltdown in the middle of the road an hour ago, but the whole proposal reeks of pity.

“Not funny,” you say shakily.

“I’m not joking,” comes the simple reply.

“What’s the catch?” you ask sharply. “Not even half an hour ago you were letting me know exactly what you thought of road trips and risks. Why the sudden change of heart, huh, Jeonghan? If you tell me it’s because you feel guilty, I swear to god I’ll punch you.”

“Well,” he starts, lifting a single shoulder, “I don’t really have anything better to do. And if I take you home right now your mom will definitely make me stay for dinner, which would be awkward for both of us.” He shrugs. “And…maybe I want to spite Joshua. For breaking his leg playing soccer with little kids, and making me come all this way just to pick up an ungrateful little alley cat who could’ve just taken the bus.” 

You lapse into silence for a few moments. Then: “He really broke his leg playing soccer with little kids?”

“Yes,” Jeonghan replies, but not without an eye roll to accompany it. He looks at you then. “So what will it be, sweetheart?”

You know in your heart that there’s only one right answer to that question, and it’s a resounding no.

But then, if you’d been sensible enough to listen to your heart, you probably wouldn’t have ended up five hours away from home in a shitty old college majoring in fucking math of all things. So of course you tell him to turn the car around.

Jeonghan has always been an ass with apologies.

Which is ironic, because ever since you first met him, you’d known that he had the gift of the gab (for lack of a better phrase). His talents had always been in lying and talking and picking exactly the right quote from a classic text to make himself sound smart—which, admittedly, he is. He went from making people pay him to write their college essays and down the natural pipeline to majoring in literature at a fancy place. He’s always been good at making you angry, but you don’t think he’s ever figured out how to make things right. Or care enough to work for it.

So when Jeonghan knocks on the door and you open it to find him with a beer bottle in his hand, you’re only slightly surprised to see it. 

When he comes in, his eyes go straight to the double bed. He steps inside the room (at the first motel you’d seen which advertised running hot water, which makes no damn sense anyway because it’s over a hundred degrees outside and neither of you is taking a hot bath anytime soon, but whatever). The blades of the ceiling fan spin lazily, barely even disturbing his hair.

“The speed for the fan doesn’t go beyond three, and the air conditioner only works between seven and seven,” you inform him as you sit back on the bed, your suitcase open on the mattress in front of you. 

Jeonghan nods, and you have to bite your lip to stop yourself from laughing. He’s probably not used to this kind of place at all, but if you’re going on the road with him, you’re not pulling your punches. You’re happy enough with the arrangements yourself, being accustomed to living in even worse conditions. His description of you as an ungrateful little alley cat wasn’t far from the mark. It could always be worse, but you don’t tell him that.

You’d decided against calling your parents—or Joshua—to inform them about your change in plans, and had instead chosen a few simple texts to convey the information. They trust you enough to deal with your last-minute changes, but you know that there’s going to be a lot of questions about your choice of companion when you get back. Those questions, however, you can confidently avoid thinking about at least until you get back. And as for Joshua—he should’ve known better, you think primly. 

“I’m sorry,” Jeonghan says suddenly, breaking you out of your reverie. The beer bottle sits guilty in his grip. Gotcha, you think. “For riling you up in the car. Being around you kind of triggers my fight or flight instinct, and I’ve never been much of a runner. Heaven knows my dad tried, though.”

You half smile in acknowledgement. His expression is awkward, which makes your smile widen. The apology in no way makes up for your history, but now that you're already halfway through your decision, you decide to put him out of his misery and call a truce.

Leaning forward, you take the beer he offers you, raising it in his direction like a salute. “You’re good enough with words to make up for your lack of athletic ability,” you say, making the corners of his lips curl up. “And the pen is mightier than the sword, as they say. Care for a sip?”

He shakes his head no. “Can’t blame you,” you say, nodding sagely as you casually uncap the bottle with your teeth. “Beer does taste like piss when warm.”

“Or cold. Or room temperature,” he says. “I don’t know how you manage to keep it down.”

“Needs must.” You grin, patting the empty space on the mattress next to you, and he indulges your request. “So, I was thinking about what you said,” you start, taking a square of paper from between folded clothes and books in your unzipped suitcase, and unfolding it. “I’ve been going over the route Josh and I picked out for the trip, but I thought of making some changes.” You run your fingertips over a squiggly blue line marked on the map, and tap a spot outside it. “We could visit the museum. Take a meandering route, make a few stops here-and-there before we actually get to the bay.”

Jeonghan peers over your shoulder. “That’s about eight hours from here.”

“Mhm,” you say, putting the lip of the bottle to your mouth and taking a gulp. You make a face as you swallow. “Damn. I thought it was kind of clichéd, but warm beer really does taste like piss.”

“I did warn you.” He’s stiffened a bit. You sniff the air, wondering if something stinks. 

“Well, uh,” you mutter under your breath, and bring the bottle back up to your lips with slow, careful motions. “We could make a few pit stops over here, and go to the shore later. Then there’s the wharf.” Your fingertip moves over the map.

Jeonghan looks at the spot you’re pointing at. His gaze shifts to your hand, then up over your arm, all the way to your bared shoulder—which you realize is mere inches from his face. 

He’s stopping breathing, as if afraid to exhale on your skin. You open your mouth to make a joke, but it dies in your throat. Your mouth remains open, no words coming out. Jeonghan lifts his eyes up to yours, and you feel your heart jump. The scent of green apple shampoo envelopes you.

Something thumps on the roof above. Jeonghan looks up, and you take the opportunity to nimbly shift away. “Do you think that was a rat or a person?” you wonder aloud.

“I’m not sure which I’d rather have it be,” he answers, getting to his feet. You look up at him, the beer bottle in your hand barely empty, but you’re already feeling lightheaded. “Dinner?”

Dinner is uneventful. You usually hate forcing pointless conversations, but now you find yourself broaching all kinds of topics from the weather to the food to the ketchup stain on the waiter’s apron.

Jeonghan is polite, laughing at the right moments and nodding along when you need him to listen, but you feel fidgety on the worn leather seat that you normally would have sunk comfortably into. The long-drawn conversation makes you feel like you’re talking to a stranger, not someone you’ve known for the most part of your life. Not for the first time, you mourn a friendship that has seemingly dissolved after your break-up.

By the time the two of you walk back, it’s almost ten. You pass under more than a few flickering streetlights, but they are more than made up for by the neon signs that begin to light up after dark.

When you get back to the room, all you can think about is the double bed. How convenient, you think to yourself, more than a little miserably when you think back to the tiny moment you shared while looking over the map. While you’ve moved on from Jeonghan, your body clearly hasn’t, if the way it reacted to his scent is anything to go by. And you have moved on. Why else would you be so comfortable basically running away with him?

“I hope the lock works,” Jeonghan mutters to himself as he locks the door for the night. You’re less confident, so you zip your bag back up and push it flush against the white door, propping the handle against the top.

Your phone rings, and you take it out, checking the caller ID. Joshua. You look up, and find Jeonghan looking at you, his face blank. Feeling unsettled, you reject the call, and put your phone away.

Now that it’s just the two of you with no dinners or strangers or ketchup stains to distract your conversations, the two of you fall into a pregnant silence. Jeonghan thumbs the collar of his shirt idly, looking at the bed with a glazed-over expression. You sidle by the bed and place a pillow in the middle, then stand back to survey your work.

“It looks like a face,” Jeonghan says.

“We can share the blanket,” you allow. For all the burning heat of the mid-afternoon sun, you know that the nights in the desert are cruelly cold, especially so within the paper-thin walls of the motel room. “Do you want to keep the fan on?”

“I’m good.” For some reason, Jeonghan looks ill. “You know…I just realized I don’t have a single change of clothes.”

You take a good look at his current attire, and it’s definitely not an excuse to stare. He’s wearing a plain white shirt, as you noted before. It’s fitted but billows faintly about his frame, making him look like a prince of old. His hair falls in soft blonde waves down to his neck, brushing the very top of his collar, and a few stray strands frame his face. Even though the harsh fluorescent lights draw the color from his face, the sheen of sweat over his cheekbones make them shine. You watch, transfixed, as Jeonghan’s fingers slip from the collar to the undone button, the pad of his thumb shaping the outline of it.

And he’s also wearing jeans. The jeans are reusable, you think, blinking yourself out of your stupor. Get a hold on yourself. But you can already pick out the stained collar of his shirt with ease. “We can go shopping tomorrow,” you suggest, clearing away the thickness of your voice. “Restock your supply of Walmart t-shirts.”

He looks at you with narrowed eyes, and you allow yourself a smile.

When all the blinds are all drawn and the lights turn off, you’re the first under the blankets. The pillow you’d ceremoniously placed down as a barrier between the two of you is flush against your back as you curl into yourself. You feel the mattress dip and the bed frame creak as Jeonghan gets into bed. It feels strange to have him in the same bed again, something you used to yearn for, now something so strange and troubling.

“Neighbors are loud,” he states, his voice muffled. You curl your fingers into the bedspread, and sigh silently before turning on your side so you’re facing him. Sure enough, now that you’re paying attention you can hear party music bleeding in from the room next to yours.

Jeonghan is nothing more than a dark outline against the sparing light that seeps in from under the door. “G’night,” you say softly. Softer than you intended, anyway. You bite your lip and duck your head under the blanket, feeling inexplicably schoolgirlish.

With the way your heart beats in your chest, it sounds almost as loud as the music coming from next door. You’re almost worried about him hearing it, but if he does, he doesn’t betray a thought. There’s no way I’m falling asleep like this, you think to yourself, but it doesn’t take more than a few minutes before you’re at the soft edges of sleep.

“Good night,” Jeonghan whispers back, just as you begin to drift off.

True to your word, the first place you put on your list of shopping locations is the local Walmart.

“You know I intend to wear these newly-acquired clothes outside of this trip, right?” Jeonghan complains as you browse a rack of t-shirts that advertise themselves as being up to fifty percent off! “You’re wasting your time if you think I’m going to spend my well-earned money on anything here.”

“May I remind you, mister, that this whole trip thing was your idea?" you ask, pulling out a tie-dyed shirt that’s a swirl of shades of peach and baby blue, and holding it up in front of his frame with an appreciative hum. “Plus, don’t you feel gross in your sweaty old underwear? This could be the splash of color your wardrobe so desperately needs.”

Jeonghan looks unimpressed. He pushes the tie-dye down, looking over it at you with a shake of his head. “I know better than to trust your choices, even those made with good intentions. And your intentions at the moment are clearly not good,” he emphasizes. “Anyway, this is not the underwear section.”

You raise your eyebrows, and look behind you pointedly at what is, actually, the underwear section. Jeonghan follows your gaze to the display of Fruit of the Loom underwear. “No, nope,” he murmurs. “Don’t even think about it.”

“Too good for Walmart underwear, are we?” You wrinkle your nose, but don't press the issue, moving instead towards another part of the t-shirts section. The tie-dye stays in your hand, though. 

“With underwear, I always believe that what you get is what you pay for,” Jeonghan says, then frowns. “What are you doing?”

You look up, innocent. “These crewnecks are on sale too.”

“That’s because it’s the peak of blistering summer,” he says, exasperated. “No one’s wearing crewnecks.”

“At night, though.”

“I’m not wearing a crewneck to bed.”

You’re about to crack a joke about going on long walks by the beach, but think better of it. Jeonghan looks confused by your sudden surrender, but you’re too busy looking in every other direction possible as a prickly heat crawls up your neck. “You really are a snob,” you mumble.

“I’m not a snob.” He rolls his eyes. “Can we go somewhere else? Anywhere else?”

You glance back, coy. “Anywhere?”

He grimaces. “I take that back.”

“Your wish is my command.” You wave the blue-and-coral tie-dye in the air. “We’re buying this one though. Don’t think for a second I’m gonna let you walk out of here empty-handed.”

For once, Jeonghan doesn’t complain, but he does purse his lips to make his feelings clear. “I guess I could make use of it when I have no clean clothes left.”

“Come on, it’s not that bad.”

He still pays for it—and some clean, much-needed underwear, despite his many complaints—at the counter, and you’re honestly surprised at how civil he's being. You'd thought that it would require a lot more effort to make this whole thing as smooth as possible after the fiasco in the car, but he's been on his beat behavior since then.

Despite your outburst and Jeonghan’s subsequent apology, you’re aware that neither of you have actually broached the reason for this tension. It’s much easier to just not think about the break-up, and act like it never happened, because that’s a whole can of worms right there that you do not wish to open. 

You wish you could unscrew the top of your head and bring your brain out. Give it a good shake to dust off all the stray thoughts you keep having about Jeonghan and your self-control and your relationship, and just let yourself enjoy the ride. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.

“We could go thrifting,” you suggest once you’re in the car, and for once, Jeonghan doesn’t seem too opposed to the idea.

The first thrift store you find on the GPS is small and plain-looking, but upon entering the dilapidated, run-down looking building you quickly learn not to judge the book by its cover. Inside, Jeonghan picks up a fluffy hot pink scarf with a wince, and you can’t help but laugh.

“You should try that one on, actually. It matches your mean girl vibe,” you point out, digging through the bin where he found the scarf in question.

“I like mean girl better than snob.” He slings the scarf around his neck. He'd decided to trade in his white button-up for the tie-dye you got from Walmart, but not before proclaiming that it was only because he needed clean clothes to wear. “It sounds more like a phase that way.”

“It doesn’t fit as well though,” you say, bringing out a sequined shirt. “Ooh, try this one. The disco vibes would make you a hit at the local club.”

“Thirty years ago, maybe,” he grumbles, but adds it to the cart. “Can’t you look for something more…”

“Boring?”

“Classy,” he finishes with a pointed look.

You grin. “As my lord pleases,” you announce, and hold up a plain brown t-shirt. Jeonghan arches his eyebrows, looking mildly surprised and skeptical, until you turn it around to reveal the Twilight logo with the faces of the main trio plastered below it. “Doth thou find this to thy liking, good sir?”

There’s an expression of part disgust, part enjoyment (and is that a glimpse of fondness you catch in his eye?) on his face. “Verily, fair maiden. It is to my utmost satisfaction,” he replies, a smile playing on his lips. “And it would be dost, not doth.”

“Very well.” You drop the shirt into the cart and straighten, grin unwavering. “Let us look around.”

He offers you his arm, and you hesitate only a millisecond before taking it. “Shall we?”

You nod, keeping the smile in place. “We shall.”

The two of you end up staying in the store until it closes, losing track of time as Jeonghan models different outfits you throw together—“This one has a dick drawn on the back.” “I know, right?”—and bring to him in the changing rooms. It’s not entirely a waste—he actually ends up finding some decent clothes, which you make him pack into a hello kitty backpack, and you buy the heart-shaped sunglasses that manage to catch your attention. By the time you come out and agree to get an unhealthy dinner from a McDonald’s drive-thru, it’s almost nine, but you’re on a dopamine high that you know is going to keep you up for a long while.

Also, you kind of don’t want to go to sleep. Going to sleep means finding a cheap place to stay, with vacancies, during tourist season, which means you’re probably only going to find a single bed. After all you’ve done to keep an invisible barrier between the two of you today (which is to say: not much) you don’t trust yourself enough to try to risk sleeping in the same bed again.

Jeonghan seems to have had the same idea, so you end up taking mini naps while switching with him to drive all night to the next destination. Most of the night, at least. It’s about four in the morning when you realize you’re beginning to nod off in the driver’s seat, so you pull over and nudge Jeonghan awake.

“I don’t think going on is good for our health,” you tell him seriously.

He’s still half-asleep, but he bestirs himself at your words, rubbing his eyes with the knuckles of a closed fist. “Uh, okay,” he mutters, opening his eyes wide and blinking the sleep out of them. “Why?”

“It’s irresponsible,” you insist. “You know, from a road safety perspective. Also, I almost drove us into a tree.”

That wakes him up quick. “What do you suggest, then?” he asks, sitting up. “Sleeping in the car?”

“Well,” you begin, unsure, “yeah?”

“Are you crazy? We’ll freeze to death.”

“No we won’t,” you whisper back, then clear your throat, not sure why you’re whispering. “Body heat.”

Jeonghan puts his face in his hands for a few seconds, then exhales deeply. “Okay,” he mutters savagely, dragging his fingers down his face. He looks up at you, and there’s a languid sharpness in his eyes that makes you squirm in your seat. “Four hours,” he says. “Don’t complain later if you can’t take it.”

You try for a scoff to hide your discomposure, but end up yawning instead. “Whatever,” you murmur, putting your forearm against the wheel and leaning your face against it. It’s still dark out, and you are freezing a little bit, but the dull orange light that lights up the interior of the car makes it feel slightly warmer. “It’s not like we have anything worth stealing.”

Jeonghan lounges against the passenger seat. He’s still wearing the stupid tie-dye, and the orange of the interior lights have washed out the peach in his shirt. The rest of him is bathed in the same color, making his skin look like it’s been licked by fire. You watch him undo the seatbelt buckle with hooded eyes, curling your fingers around the steering wheel to contain yourself. Even as he climbs into the backseat, you don’t move, eyes still fixed on him. 

Would you have reached for him if you didn’t remember every word he said that day? Maybe you should talk about what happened, to clear the air at least. You try to think of how that would go. Jeonghan, you would start, about what happened—

“Are you coming or not?” Jeonghan asks. He leans forward, beckoning you with a crooked finger, and your gaze glides over the collarbone that peeks out from just below his neck. His voice is breathy and low, making something twang in your gut. You pull yourself up quickly, and follow him before you can change your mind. Jeonghan pulls out a few of his clothes from the backpack to cushion the seat. The space is small, cramped, and smells like cheese, but you think about none of those things except the heat of his body against yours. This is, undoubtedly, the most terrible idea you’ve had so far.

“This is a terrible idea,” you voice, as he pulls an oversized shirt over your legs and leans back. You’re not half as sleepy as you were mere moments ago. The comfort is so deeply unsettling that you feel like you’d rather nap in a bush.

“As I said,” he murmurs, gaze darting to your lips for a millisecond. You gulp. He looks like he’s made of honey and marmalade. “Do you want to turn off the light?”

“So passer-bys don’t think we’re fucking in the back of the car?” A nervous laugh bubbles up your throat like an uncorked Coke bottle, the regret following the words as soon as they come out. You glance up at him, pulse jumping, but his eyes are already closed. “Oh. Um. I’ll turn them off.”

It doesn’t take long for Jeonghan’s breaths to even out, but you lie awake for a long time, listening to your own heartbeat. It’s long past ten a.m. before either of you wakes up.

You spend the next few days doing what you do best—wasting time. This was what you’d planned originally, doing absolutely nothing and deciding destinations on the road, but it was supposed to be with someone who knew you well. While you have no doubt that Jeonghan had managed to puzzle out every part of you before, you're no longer the same pedantic, rule-abiding perfectionist that he probably remembers. You think you’ve changed a lot since you last saw him, and since a major part of that owes itself to him not being in your life any more, you don’t know how to adjust your relationship to that change.

There’s a day you spend most of at a microbrewery, where you manage to snag a guided tour to the home brewing process and Jeonghan develops a taste for fruit beers. Another where you trek up the mountains at a national park just to watch the sunset, sitting on a rock with your sore legs and sharing an artisanal. Once you spend the whole day at the pier.

“There.” You point at a highway, licking the side of your strawberry ice cream (Jeonghan takes the mint). “That’s the road I took while following this stupid underground band on their tour. Didn’t even like them that much, but these guys convinced me, and it turned out to be kind of fun. Sort of like a grown-up camping trip.”

Jeonghan squints at where you’re pointing, then shakes his head. “So that’s why you were so confident about sleeping overnight in a car in the desert.”

“S’not that bad.” You shrug. “I thought it would be like a new experience, you know, and that’s where I got this idea about the road trip in the first place. I don’t think Joshua expected me to suggest something so…careless.”

He’s silent for a long moment. You glance at him sideways, and clutch the bear plushie you won at the ring toss. “Do you ever miss it?” he asks at length.

“Never,” you reply quietly. Maybe you haven’t changed as much as you thought.

Every location is fun at first before your not-relationship gets in the way, slowly chipping away at your sanity like a heavy-handed ax. You swear you’ve barely touched alcohol, but soon the days begin to blur together, and by the time you get anywhere near the beach you don’t even know what day it is.

Saturday, your phone says.

You swipe ignore on Joshua’s sixteenth call in the past few days, this time not even bothering to shoot him a text in its stead. It’s late in the afternoon, and you’re lying on your stomach on an extremely soft mattress in a fancy hotel, ankles crossed in the air as you read an old copy of Gone Girl that you borrowed from Mina in case you got bored. 

Or you were reading it. You press your lips together as you finish reading the same paragraph for the seventh time without actually absorbing any of it, and sigh. Jeonghan reaches over and flicks the cover before leaning back. “Female rage, huh?” he asks, settling back against the pillows. “Should I be concerned?”

The colors of the sunset seep in through the slits between the blinds. You look up at him, noting his watchful gaze, the controlled set of his mouth. Somehow you feel more resentful than wary. “I don’t know.” You roll onto your back and jut your chin out, looking at him upside down. “Should you?”

He doesn’t give up. “Are you angry?”

Your fingers coil more tightly around the book. You match his stare for another second before propping yourself up on your elbow and going back to the text. “No,” you reply after a second, still with your back to him.

“I think you are.”

You throw your head back, irritated, and set the book back down on the bed. “Why would I be angry?” you ask, turning your face in his direction. “I’m just tired. That’s all. It’s too hot to do anything anyway, we can just go out after the sun goes down.”

Jeonghan doesn’t seem convinced, but he doesn’t push you on the subject, and you’re relieved. The truth is that you’ve been feeling irritated and guilty and rash ever since you woke up, but don’t want to give yourself the chance to do something stupid.

“Where do you want to go today?” he asks instead.

You frown, squeezing the bridge of your nose between a forefinger and thumb. “I don’t know,” you repeat. “Maybe nowhere. Do nothing.”

He cocks an eyebrow. “What were you planning to do with Joshua?”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, all of that went out the window the second he broke his damned leg,” you snap. Then you pull back with a wince. “Shit. Sorry. I think I’m getting a headache.”

He doesn’t say anything, only offers you a glass of water, which you accept with a quiet thanks. It’s not going to help, though, you know that; your headache has deeper roots than that. The water is lukewarm, and you gulp the water down, spilling half of it over your mouth and down your shirt. “Maybe we can go somewhere you want,” you say, pursing your lips into the best smile you can muster. “You know, this was for the both of us.”

“I know,” Jeonghan replies, monotonous. “You’re getting a nosebleed.”

“What? Oh, fuck.” You hurriedly put the glass down on a side table and head to the washroom. Sure enough, when you look into the mirror, your upper lip is coated in crimson.

“Fuck,” you whisper to yourself again, and bend over the basin. The sound of running water almost drowns out Jeonghan’s footsteps, so you jump a bit when you hear his voice.

“Let’s go to a club,” he says. You straighten, holding a napkin to your nose, and glance back at him. He’s leaning against the doorframe, arms folded over his chest. “Sounds like you need to get drunk,” he says, shrugging.

Your lips part. “Okay.” You turn and grab another napkin. “Sure, yeah, let’s go.”

The teeming throngs of people seem to envelope you, like a piece of paper folded over and over. The air in the nightclub is stale but cold, with undercurrents of sour sweat and sweet coke syrup. You wouldn’t call yourself a stranger to this scene, but for some reason, it feels foreign.

You weave your way through the crowd on the dance floor, an untouched glass in your hand. Although the whole ordeal had been Jeonghan’s idea, he’d disappeared less than ten minutes after you came, no doubt off buying pretty girls drinks. Being seen with you would probably ruin his night, but at least someone’s living their single life to the fullest.

You, on the other hand, have not been having fun at all. It’s not entirely unexpected, since the whole reason you’d said yes to the idea was because you’d felt bad about snapping at him. Usually, you go drinking to unwind after a stressful week, but today you just can’t seem to get into it. You suspect it’s because you’re alone. The music is loud and heavy and while you remember noting that it’s one of your favorite songs, all you can hear right now is the bass. You feel it in your skull and your teeth and jarring all up your sciatic nerve, sending little jolts through your spine. If you didn’t have a headache before, you’re definitely close to getting one now.

Someone brushes past you, and you almost spill the drink in your hand all over the dress. Annoyed, you turn to snap, but they’re already gone by the time you’ve turned around. You sigh, massaging your temple with your free hand, and sit down at the first table you see, placing the glass with the red drink sloshing around inside. The pulsating lights make the surface of the liquid flash, turning it orange and pink and even green. You don’t even remember what it is supposed to be.

With a deep sigh, you pull the glass off the table and nurse it in your lap, head dropping from exhaustion. Maybe if you had someone to dance with you, but your choleric disposition has a habit of chasing people away, and tonight you’ve dialed it up by about a hundred.

A shadow looms over you, blocking the lights, and the color winks out of the drink in your lap. You look up with a glower, ready to chastise what is undoubtedly another hopelessly drunk guy looking to hit on single girls, but falter when you manage to make out the man’s features.

Jeonghan’s blonde hair looks lilac in the lighting. His hands are in his pockets, and he’s got that white shirt on again, but the lights have bled into it like with your drink, turning it different colors. For a moment, neither of you move, him looking down at you and you matching his stare from the seat.

“Are you drunk?”

You shake your head mutely.

If he doubts your honesty, he doesn’t show it. “Wanna get out of here?”

It’s stupid, but you feel bad. You’ve never known him to be into the whole party scene, but maybe he’s gotten different hobbies since you split up, and you feel like you’re taking that away from him. “Don’t you want to stay?” you ask, setting the glass on the small table. “I know the way back.”

He offers you a small smile. “You know how I feel about places like this,” he answers as you prepare to leave. Then why did you suggest it in the first place? you want to ask, but dare not utter a word. “Well then—” He offers you a hand, the smile softening— “my lady?” 

His voice is low, but you hear it like an arrow singing through the noise. “As my lord pleases,” you murmur with an incline of your head, a smile creeping onto your lips as you take his hand.

Jeonghan tugs you through the crowd, his grip gentle yet firm. You pull yourself closer to him, marveling at how the sea of people seems to part before him, like he’s a warm knife going through butter. “You should’ve told me if you didn’t want to come,” he yells back at you.

“It’s not that I didn’t want to,” you explain, wrapping an arm around yourself as the two of you step out into the night air. It’s much colder outside even with the crowd, and you barely manage to suppress a shiver. “I thought it might be—fun.”

“But it wasn’t?”

You shake your head stiffly, shoulders raised against the late night chill. It’s only then that you realize your right hand is still intertwined with his, with you almost hanging off his arm. Flushing, you extract it quickly, folding your arms across your chest. “Let’s just go back to the hotel.”

You can’t see his face, but you imagine him burning holes into the side of your face. But he only nods.

Back at the hotel, you lean against the basin in the washroom, staring at yourself in the foggy mirror. Your face looks back at you from the parts where you wiped off the mist with the heel of your palm, smokey-eyed, your makeup smudged. The cold ceramic seems to cut into your hands, but you’re grateful for it.

With the bathroom door left ajar, you can hear Jeonghan in the connecting room. “Sorry about ruining your night,” you offer with the most apologetic tone you can summon, but your heart feels as numb as your fingertips. “I don’t know what’s gotten into me.”

“Don’t worry about it,” you hear him say, his voice feeling like it’s coming from a tunnel. You know exactly what’s gotten into you though. 

You swallow against the hard knot of dryness that has lodged itself in your throat. Your head is pounding, and you feel like something is splitting you apart from the inside, like a block of ice in your chest that refuses to melt. Am I really that cold inside? Throughout this trip, you’ve found yourself wishing multiple times that the distance between you and Jeonghan didn’t feel so great, but now the thought overwhelms you, washing over you like a riptide, and you feel like you’s gotten into you to sea.

You think about just giving in, but you want to preserve some semblance to self respect. Although none of your concerns feel grounded—Jeonghan’s been the perfect gentleman since after you broke down on him. The memory of your last argument eight—now nine—months ago, his harsh words cutting you down, they all feel so far away. So unreal. You wonder if you imagined breaking up.

“I shouldn’t act so immature, right?” you wonder aloud, and spin around to face him. Jeonghan’s standing just outside the bathroom, fiddling with the cuff of his shirt, and blinks at your question. “I mean, we’re not in high school anymore.”

His brow twitches, like he’s about to frown. “You’re not acting immature.”

You feel slightly hysterical. There’s exactly one thing you want from him—a reaction. Even though you know it’s only going to make things worse. “You don’t think so?” you ask, very quietly.

The frown finally manifested itself on his face. “Are you drunk?” he asks again, enunciating each word slowly and carefully.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Jeonghan.” There’s a wild edge to your voice that has him tilting his head. “Why are you so—so—” Blank. Unaffected. Maddening. “Calm?”

The frown flickers away, and once again, he goes back to looking as unemotional as an alabaster statue. Just as beautiful, driving you insane with a feeling that you can’t quite put into words. “What would you rather have me be?”

One second you’re leaning against the doorframe, fingernails gouging into the wood, and the next second you’re on him, reaching out like you’re about to claw his face off. Before you know it, you’re kissing Jeonghan with all the viciousness of a bite. 

Your hands grip his shoulders, then slide up to his neck and down to his upper back. You can feel his shirt creasing where your nails dig into it, so desperately that you think they might leave crescent-shaped scars. “What do you think?” you hiss into his ear as he stumbles, stepping back to steady himself, his hands coming to your hips. You lean into him, returning to his lips, and then he’s kissing you back.

Jeonghan slides his hand over the diaphanous material of your dress, reaching up to slide into your hair, deepening the kiss. His other hand grips your waist, pulling you as close to himself as humanly possible. His arm crushes you against himself as his lips part against yours, kissing you like he was breathing from you, as desperate as if he were drowning.

It’s as if he’s come alive under your touch, so different from the unemotional front he’d displayed just seconds earlier. His hands roam your body, exploring, tracing, remembering. You open yourself to him, letting every doubt and second thought be washed away by the tide of emotion that rages inside you. Jeonghan tastes like strawberries, his lips soft and sweet, and you feel like putty in his hands, but you still manage to push him into the bed. You’re in his lap now, legs on either side of him, slowly and teasingly tracing the roof of his mouth with the tip of your tongue.

Jeonghan’s hands travel up your waist to your breasts, and you press your lips to the junction of his jaw and neck, right over the pulse. He moans into your mouth, and you feel hot all over—the good kind of hot, the kind that makes you feel like you’re standing in his fire, sweating harder to feel more keenly the wind against your skin. It starts in the pit of your stomach and spreads to your core, your chest that’s flush against his, your hands as you pin his shoulders to the mattress. You kiss him again, hands moving to his chest as you start to unbutton his shirt.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Jeonghan breathes, covering your hands with his. You make an impatient noise at the back of your throat, but pause, pushing yourself up so you’re straddling him. “You’re not drunk.”

You give him a black look.

“Okay, okay.” His breaths are coming in pants, each as ragged as the last. “I…I don’t have a condom—”

“I do,” you cut him off in the middle. He gives you a questioning look, and you huff. “I was going to get laid, okay? One way or another.”

His lips part, and for a long moment, no sound comes out of them. “Are you sure?” he asks lamely.

You stare at him, flabbergasted. “What do you think?” you demand again. He’s such a sight under you, with a half-unbuttoned shirt and swollen lips, that you’re having trouble stringing words together. “Jeonghan—I don’t know what it is that’s holding you back, or—or if you just don’t want to have sex with me, but—”

“Not like this,” he interrupts. There’s a softness to his voice, even as he looks up at you with heavy-lidded eyes. Your hand twitches where it’s lying on his chest. “I mean. You’re not in the right state of mind—”

You’re incredulous. “It doesn’t have to mean anything, Jeonghan,” you say, petulance creeping into your voice as you struggle to maintain your composure. “I’m upset and frustrated and I really need this, okay?” Your voice cracks just slightly, but it’s enough for the air to get knocked out of him. 

Some part of you tells you not to do this. To apologize, maybe laugh it off with a shitty joke about getting rid of the tension, act like you don’t want to open him up and climb into him. Sex has never been the solution to your problems. But you’re on a mean bad decision streak, so you just bite down on your lip, swallowing your feelings.

“Please touch me,” you whimper, and Jeonghan takes in a sharp breath, briefly closing his eyes before moving to oblige. 

His hands go back to your waist, but this time he flips your positions. He grasps the hem of your dress, and you stretch your arms, letting him tug it up and off your frame. You watch as his eyes rove over you, and his pupils darken, swallowing the warm brown of his eyes. Jeonghan leans down next to your ear, and you feel the dent in the mattress next to your head where his palm presses into it.  “Remember,” he says, as your stomach flutters weakly, “you asked for this.”

Jeonghan’s knee nudges yours to part your thighs, and the next thing you feel is two of his fingers pressing against the already-damped seat of your panties. “Didn’t expect to be so wet already,” he murmurs, and your face heats up like he toom a match to it. “Is that what you meant by frustrated?” Wordlessly, you arch against him, eager. “Hips,” he commands, and you raise your hips to allow him to pull your panties down your legs, where you agitatedly kick them off your ankles.

You suck in an anticipatory breath as his fingers push against your unclothed core. He doesn’t even need to look for your clit—the pad of his thumb is pressed against the bundle of nerves a second later, rubbing circles into it. You screw your eyes shut and throw your head back, clenching your thighs around his arm. “Oh god,” you gasp. “Oh god oh fuck—”

You cut yourself off with a sharp inhale to grab his forearm, digging your fingers into it as he flicks a finger against your clit. “You’re so sensitive,” Jeonghan remarks, a smug smirk painted on his face. “Always were. That’s what made playing with you so much fun.”

You open your eyes just to narrow them at him, panting. “Oh, finally, there he is,” you drawl breathlessly. “The resident devil of—Jeonghan!”

He has the gall to laugh as your entire body jerks in response to his middle finger pushing past your folds and into your heat. “Admit it. You like me better that way,” he counters, adding another finger inside you. You arch your back, sucking his fingers deeper inside your cunt as he curls the digits in your core.

“I did admit it,” you breathe. It’s astounding, how quickly the two of you fall back into the familiar play, trading words back and forth like you’ve been doing this all your life. His thumb swipes down against your slit, collecting your wetness and massaging it back into your clit. You buck against his hand, mewling. “Fuck, Jeonghan, pleasepleaseplease—”

Watching him like this, you suddenly remember that no matter how mild-mannered he may seem to the untrained eye, Jeonghan is neither calm nor reserved. He is sanguine, a hunter in the night, smelling blood from a mile away. And you've always been his favorite plaything.

“There’s a good girl,” he praises, but his fingers pull away a second later. You bemoan the loss of the friction, desperately rubbing your aching thighs together for any sort of relief. Jeonghan’s fingers dig into the inside of your thighs, prying them apart firmly. You begin to protest, but he quells you with a look. “But I can’t let you have it just yet.”

You’re panting. “Fuck you.”

He only smiles. “Condom.”

You gesture towards the bedside table with a tilt of your chin. “Second drawer,” you choke out, feeling like someone’s set a fire to the base of your brain, cutting off your ability to form coherent thoughts. Jeonghan retrieves it, waving the small square packet in the air as if to further provoke you. You settle back onto the sheets, waiting for him to put it on, but instead he leans his weight back against you, playfully nipping at your collarbone. You grit your teeth, grabbing the front of his shirt.

“You can be such an asshole sometimes, you know that?” You hiss, and start unbuttoning his shirt hastily. 

“Well, I tried being nice, and you hated that,” he murmurs against the base of your throat, sending vibrations through your sternum. You fling open his shirt, and he takes it off fully, balling it up and throwing it to some dark corner of the room. “Aren’t you hurrying too much?” he says, but when you roll down against his hips, the bulge straining against the seat of his pants is unmistakable.

“Aren’t you talking too much?” you fire back, and he chuckles. You hear the sound of the packet tearing and the subsequent unzipping of his pants. Jeonghan rubs the head of his cock against your slick heat, almost making you sob, and pushes it in.

Your fingers claw against his back when he slowly rolls his hips into yours, sending a wave of pleasure through your body. “I forgot how good you felt,” he rasps, sidling his hands under your arms and pulling them off him. The heel of his palms skims your forearm, reaching up to meet your wrist. When he presses his fingertips against the palm of your hand, you open up to him like a flower in bloom, letting him twine your fingers with his in a slow, decisive motion.

The head of his cock brushes against your sweet spot, and your mind goes blank with bliss. Jeonghan says your name like a prayer as he pushes deeper into you, harder, and the feeling of hot-and-cold pleasure stirs in your abdomen. His pace quickens, hips snapping faster against yours, and you begin to feel dizzy and delirious. 

You gasp his name, and he shudders as he breathes out, all but falling against you. His fingers tighten around yours as he moves, the tip of your nose nudging his, his forehead cool and damp with sweat where it meets yours. He draws your orgasm out, still fucking into you as you reach your climax. You call out his name as you ride out your high, and his face twists with desire so devastating that it looks almost like pain. He thrusts into you once, twice, only a few more times before he comes, almost collapsing on top of you when he finishes. The pent-up frustration is gone, you realize as you lie in bed and stare up at the ceiling, along with the misery and confusion and anger. 

You clean yourself off in the bathroom in silence, as he wipes off your makeup with a gentleness that you’d almost forgotten. Neither of you speak, but the silence is heavy and comfortable like a winter blanket. A voice at the back of your head is screaming at you about consequences, but it’s small and tin-like and easy enough to tune out in the face of Jeonghan’s lips brushing against your temple.

Plenty of time for regret in the morning.

And, oh boy, does the regret hit like a fucking truck.

You’re the first one up, waking to the feeling of soft blankets on your bare skin and Jeonghan’s sleeping face just inches from yours. Startled, you sit up, the strap of your bra slipping off one shoulder.

Then you’re slipping off the covers and making a beeline for the bathroom, stopping only to grab your phone off the bedside table before locking the door behind you. You lean against it heavily as your legs seem to give out, breathing hard as if you just woke up from a nightmare. 

You slept with your ex last night. The one thing your friends with active dating lives told you never to do. And it was all your idea.

Fuck.

Still trying to steady yourself, you sit down heavily on the edge of the toilet seat, placing your head in your hands. It was a stupid decision, and you know that—hell, you’d known that going into it—but now it’s time to deal with the aftermath. Jeonghan himself is going to wake up in no time, and you don’t even want to think about how he’s going to react.

You try to think of someone smarter than you, but after your actions last night, the bar proves to be pretty low. Your first thought is Joshua, but you feel even more like shit when you think of calling him, so reject that option out of hand. Someone who’d know what to do, you think to yourself as you shakily dial the number on your phone, fingers trembling.

She picks up on the fourth ring. “Hey, girliepop,” Mina greets in a bright, peppy voice, as your shoulders sag with relief. “I feel like I haven’t heard from you in ages. What’s up? How’s home?”

You don’t waste a second. “I did something really, really bad.”

A pause. “Do you need help hiding a body?”

“What? No. I slept with Jeonghan.” You cover your mouth, briefly closing your eyes. Saying it out loud makes it sound even worse. “I’m so screwed.”

“The hot ex-boyfriend? Oh, honey, don’t worry, that’s a mistake we all make at least once in our lives,” she says sympathetically. “Were you drunk?”

You squint. “No…”

“Okay,” she says slowly, and you wince. “Do you…want to do it again?”

At that, you pause. Do you want to do it again? You hadn’t even thought of it before this. “I mean…” You trail off, doubtful. “The sex was pretty great, but…”

You can imagine her twirling a lollipop stick between her fingers, sucking thoughtfully on the candy. “I don’t know, I’m gonna need a lot more context,” she asks finally. “Why did you guys break up? How long were you together? What kind of person is he? It depends on a lot of things.” Another pause, and you can almost see her raising her eyebrows at you, like, well? “You gotta give me something to go on here.”

You try to think of an answer, but every thought feels muddled, like you’ve reached peak brain capacity. “Um,” you start, haltingly, “we have a lot of history, I guess.”

She hums, which sounds like a muted buzz through the line. “Like what? Childhood best friend type of history? On-and-off kind of history?”

You close your eyes, focusing intently. “Um…well…we have known each other since we were in grade school. And we dated for most of high school, and almost two years after that. Then we…we broke up in October, last year.”

“Why?”

That’s a loaded question. You pass a hand over your face, trying to think of how you can explain it. You remember there being so many reasons for it, but now that you’re trying to remember them, not a single coherent-sounding explanation presents itself. “It’s complicated?”

Mina tuts. “I get it if you don’t want to talk about it, but I can’t help you if I don’t know what the problem is, babe.”

“I’m so confused,” you lament, biting your lip. You try to explain the situation as best as you can, how you decided to ditch your plans and go on a fuckass road trip with your ex. Everything comes out like a barrage: all the doubts you’ve had about your relationship with Jeonghan, the constant second-guessing yourself, all your worries about his inconsistent behavior. By the time you’re done, Mina’s gone silent on the other side. 

She doesn’t say anything for a long time, so you listen to the soft crackling of her breathing mixing with the sounds of traffic coming in through the tiny window on the opposing wall. “Oh, honey,” comes her fizzy voice from the speaker finally. “Now I wish I’d convinced you to go on that blind date.”

You laugh softly. “Yeah. It’s just… Every sensible bone in my body is telling me I’ve made some kind of mistake, that I’ve crossed some invisible line, but it was so easy,” you tell her. “Last night, when we—it felt like old times. As if nothing had ever happened. And now I’m wondering if that’s what I’ve wanted all this time.”

“I almost wish you’d come to me with a murder to cover up, because at least I’d be able to help you then,” she replies. “But if you think that maybe this is what you want, and if he wants the same thing, then you can still work it out, you know? You’re a smart girl. You can figure out what you want.”

A smile tugs at the corner of your lips. “I wouldn’t be so sure,” you murmur, using your pinky to trace a crescent into your bare knee. “But thanks.”

Her grin is crystal-clear in your mind. “I’ve got faith in you.”

“That makes one of us,” you quip, and she laughs as you hang up. 

The call didn’t help much, but you’re glad to have gotten some things off your chest. The narrow walls of the bathroom don't feel so suffocating anymore. All right. You pull your knees up decisively, straightening your spine. It’s my problem to fix now, you think. Even if you don’t feel calm, you have to at least act like you are.

Taking a deep breath, you unlatch the door and step outside, closing it slowly behind yourself. As you’d thought, Jeonghan is already up and dressed. Well, kind of. He has his boxers on, and the shirt from last night, crumpled and still unbuttoned. You stare, frozen in place, as he turns and notices you. A beaming smile spreads across his face.

“I went ahead and ordered room service,” he says by way of greeting. “Considering it’s past twelve and absolutely boiling outside, I thought we might stay in for brunch instead. I hope you like pasta, ” he says, shrugging. Then he notices the look on your face. “Is something wrong?”

You blink slowly, as if coming out of a daze. “Something wrong?” you echo, wondering if you sound as bewildered as you feel. “Something…Jeonghan.”

His eyebrows arch. “Yeah?”

“We had sex,” you say slowly.

“We—yes.” He nods, slowly at first, but then more rapidly, until he looks like a bobblehead. “Yeah, but—I mean, we used protection, and we talked about it before, kind of, and I thought it was fine, you know, because—” He’s rambling. You’re beginning to realize he’s not as nonchalant as he appeared a moment ago. “At least we didn’t have sex very publicly in, in the motel, or the car, or—”

It’s like a strange tranquility has descended over you. Jeonghan swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down, and he looks anxious. You haven’t seen him anxious in so long.

It feels like the roles have been flipped. You know that’s not quite true, and your poise is only temporary, but at least he’s not giving you unreadable looks every time you try to show vulnerability, tripping you up on your own words. You just hope you’re not going to use this opportunity to do something stupid again.

“Jeonghan,” you interrupt. Mina hadn’t really given you any clear-cut counsel, but it seems her reassurance had been all you needed. “If we’re going to do this, we need to set some ground rules.”

‘No strings attached’ sounds weightless in your mouth, but the words seem to sink like stones into your mind.

Still, now that at least the sexual tension is out of the way, you feel as unburdened as those girls in sanitary pad ads. Jeonghan’s inner navigator must be in touch with his good-for-nothing side, because he turns out to be absolute magic with finding amazing out-of-the-way places. The two of you go off-road for a while, but get lost so you decide to stick to what you could identify on the map. There’s another day spent walking around at a doll museum and pointing out dolls that you thought looked like people you both know.

It feels a bit silly, running around with Jeonghan all the time, but it’s the happiest you’ve been in months. You take baths together, and sometimes you go out for ice cream, and despite some of the lewd activities involved, it feels as sweet and innocent as kids playing house.

After the first time your motel room neighbor bangs on your shared wall to ask you to be quieter during sex, you decide that sticking to places with reliably thick walls is the way to go. That’s how you find out that Jeonghan has developed a taste for long baths.

You’re rummaging around inside your suitcase, looking for the paperback you borrowed from your roommate, untouched since the day you stopped reading it right in the middle. “Jeonghan!” you call, overturning a pair of pajamas. Even in a thin robe, you can feel the heat almost radiating off the floor. “Did you see my book? I’m kind of worried that I left it somewhere.”

No response.

Frowning, you stand, looking at the cream-painted door on the opposing wall. It’s firmly shut, and has been that way for the past hour or so, not a sound escaping from inside. You cross the room and check the handle, not too surprised when it swings open.

One glance inside gives it away. Jeonghan looks at you with displeasure, only his head poking out from behind the side of the bathtub. Well, that and the copy of Gone Girl you’ve been looking for the past half-hour, clasped in a long-fingered hand, his elbow propped against the lip of the porcelain tub. “Do you mind?” the perpetrator asks.

You place your hands on your hips, giving him an unimpressed look. “You’ve been in here for over an hour,” you tell him. “At this rate your body is going to turn into an overripe raisin. Also, that’s my book.”

He turns the book over to regard it. “I thought you weren’t reading it.”

“I wasn’t. Emphasis on was.” You rest your hand on the door handle. “There are other people who want to take a bath, you know.”

“Aw, I was just looking for some entertainment.” He flashes a grin at you. “But if you have a better idea…”

You roll your eyes, but unfasten the robe anyway. Jeonghan’s eyes follow your every move, pupils blown wide. He places a cheek on his arm, eyes half-mast as you slip the robe off your shoulders, letting it pool on the floor at your feet.

“Nothing underneath, huh?” he muses. “Have I been out-maneuvered?”

You ignore that. “Move over,” you say shortly.

“Don’t need to ask me twice.”

(Later, when you’re lying on the bed after having managed to wrestle the book away from him, Jeonghan brushes his fingers against the sliver of exposed skin under your shirt. “Don’t even try,” you warn him, after smacking his hand with the spine of the book.

“I thought you wanted to do something ‘wild’,” he says, making air quotes with his hands. You smack him again.

“Not everything is about sex,” you remind him, not really meaning it.

“‘Everything in the world is about sex except sex.’” he quotes. “‘Sex is about power.’”

You roll onto your side, letting the book fall shut as your forearm hits the mattress. “You’re so full of shit, Yoon Jeonghan,” you tell him, getting a razor-sharp grin in response. But you still let him kiss you a moment later.)

By the time you finally reach the ocean, the air conditioner has been broken for two days, so when you feel the fingers of the first evening breeze sneak in through the lowered top of the window and run themselves through your hair, you almost stop the car there and then.

Jeonghan stops you, reminding you that if you get off you’ll have to walk a pretty long time before you actually get to the beach. You stay put, but when you do get to the beach you’re the first out of the car, standing spreadeagle against the flow to feel the wind on each and every inch of your skin, plastering your clothes to your frame.

“This is so much better than that stupid air conditioner,” you sigh. Jeonghan’s still fishing out that Hello Kitty backpack that contains your towels and sunscreen, so you deign to wait for him instead of going off on your own.

Something pink and plasticky covers your vision. “Here.” He grins, settling the heart-shaped sunglasses on your face. “Now you can finally use these,” he says, and turns to head off.

You fix the sunglasses before following after him. The sand is soft under your feet, shifting to accommodate the shape of your feet as you step over it. You pull your sandals off, tucking your fingers under the bands and opting to carry them at your side so you can feel the grains on your soles.

“I thought there would be more people here,” your not-boyfriend comments.

You look around. A kid is building a sandcastle near a couple that looks over him, turning over buckets to deposit clumps of wet sand to shape them into towers. A bit further away, a head wearing sunglasses pokes out of the ground as its giggling companion packs more sand over the body. Jeonghan’s right; the crowd is tamer than you expected, but it’s probably because it’s getting late and the weather is about to turn icy in no time. 

“I haven’t been to the beach in ages,” he says as you reach the shore. The wind tousles his hair, flapping his shirt around his torso, and he squints against the saline breeze. “Kind of forgot what it feels like.”

You hum contentedly, watching the tiny waves lap at your feet. “When I was a kid, my mom told me I had to dig my feet in before the tide came in, or else I would be carried away by the waves.”

He snorts. “I know. Your mom told me the same thing.”

“Right,” you smile. 

Jeonghan bends to place his hands in the sand in front of him, letting the water wash over them. “Cold,” he says. 

“You know, I did almost get washed out to sea once,” you remember. “Swam too far. There was salty water in my mouth and ears and the ground felt like it was made of hands, trying to drag me down further. My uncle told me that when they finally fished me out, my head was wrapped in kelp. He thought that telling me that would traumatize me, but I just kept swimming out again and again.”

“Stubborn and proud,” he observes. “That sounds like you.”

“Does it?” You grin, bending to scoop some of the water into your palms, and sling it off your fingertips to splash it into his face before he can realize what you’re doing. Jeonghan sputters, stumbling in the sand, and comes up with an indignant hey!

Laughing, you turn to run, and glance back to see him discarding the Hello Kitty bag to chase after you. “It’s the beach, cut me some slack!” you yell back at him. He doesn’t respond, but when he does catch you, it’s around the middle, and his tackle flings both of you into the water, you still laughing. You wrestle unsuccessfully with him for another second before coming up for air, his arms still wrapped securely around your waist.

“No fair,” you complain, but the smile that splits your face is as bright as the sun.

“No fair?” he repeats, expression indignant. “You started it.”

“Okay, but now we’re both wet.” You spit some water out of your mouth. Sure enough, your clothes are drenched, and so are his. Jeonghan staggers to his feet, pulling you up with him. His pale blonde hair is plastered to his forehead, darker where it’s wet, curling at the back of his neck. “And not in the fun way.”

“Who says this way isn’t fun?” He kicks some water at you, and you raise your arms to shield your face. Offering only a glare in retaliation, you turn, wading a little further out so the water is up to your waist. “Are you planning to get washed out again?”

“Hilarious,” you call back without turning. The sun is low in the sky, turning the ocean the colors of fire. Jeonghan comes up behind you and you close your eyes, breathing it all in.

The water tickles your waist where your shirt billows up, and the breeze cuts deliciously sharp on your damp skin, but you only shiver when Jeonghan traces a map on the exposed skin of your back.

You don’t stay in the water for long, dragging yourselves up to the shoreline to make sure you mostly dry off when the sun is still up. Jeonghan’s hair slowly curls as it dries, and he tries to comb the sand out with his fingers to no avail.

“I’m gonna need a nice hot bath after this,” he complains, carding a hand through his hair. “It’s all fun and games going to the beach until you’re digging sand out of your body for the next three weeks.”

“You take a nice hot bath at every opportunity you get,” you remind him, but you share the sentiment. The retrieved backpack swings off one shoulder, slapping against your side with every step. “That was so much fun, though. I wish we’d just come here in the beginning and stayed.”

“Nothing beats hiking for hours up a mountain just to see a yellow ball come up in the sky. You made me wake up at an ungodly hour for that, too.”

“And I’m not gonna apologize.” You stand back in the final rays of the sun, watching it sink into the horizon. Strips of gold glimmer in the blue-green of the water, shimmering like the surface of a polished jewel. “Sometimes I look at the sun on a regular day and wonder how it can do that.”

Jeonghan hums under his breath. His stance is unhurried, shoulders relaxed, hands in his pockets. You lick your lips, feeling the salt sting the raw patches where you’ve managed to break the skin by constantly worrying at it with your teeth.

Now that your mind is beginning to quiet, it’s turning to thoughts of the real world instead. For the last few days, you’ve successfully ignored every single warm tingle or stomach butterfly, every warning sign that came up when you looked at Jeonghan, but casting them aside has only made them weigh heavier on your shoulders. 

It doesn’t have to mean anything, you’d told him, but that had felt more like an excuse. Under the guise of only using each other for sex, you’ve been indulging yourself in far more than that, and it’s plain as day for you to see.

“Jeonghan,” you venture in a hushed voice, and he turns to you quizzically. “Do you ever wonder—do you ever think that you’ve made a mistake?”

Instead of answering, he offers you a lopsided smile and extracts his hand from his pocket, letting it hang in the air next to yours. It’s only your knuckles that brush the back of his hand, but you feel the heat all over—on the backs of your shoulders, north of your abdomen, as a constricting circle around your throat.

“I try not to think too much,” he says, catching your fingers lightly when they graze his. You hesitate, but choose not to pull away. “But I know that’s not your strong suit.”

The sky has gone dark. One by one, the artificial lights switch on, bathing the sand in a pale glow. With his tanned skin and platinum hair, Jeonghan looks like a tallow angel in the light, his mouth a soft rosy line curved into a smile like you’re sharing an inside joke. The breeze flows over the water, lifting his shirt up a shade.

Your heart lurches in your chest, but you manage a smile back. He’s probably right and you’re probably overthinking, but you are as helpless in the face of that knowledge as you were without it. As you murmur and you think too little with numb lips, you can't help but wonder what he’s really thinking. 

Jeonghan thinks this bar is going to be the death of him.

The Shipwreck Tavern must take its name quite seriously, because it smells exactly like how he imagines the interior of a shipwreck must smell—like fish and rotten wood. The place is filled with tough-looking old people, and the bartender must be a wrestler’s grandma, because her arms are as big as his head. Everything inside the pub looks old and feels old, except the new-looking TV that adorns a wall adjacent to the bar, playing a soccer game that seems like the local pastime, judging from the attention it garners among the tavern’s patrons.

There are probably better places the two of you could’ve gone to, but this was the nearest place he’d been able to find with an outdoor shower, and he could’ve sworn he felt a crab in his pants before. Instead of bothering to look for a place to eat, you’d suggested staying at the same place, and he hadn’t known better than to comply.

Jeonghan takes the drinks he ordered from the bar with a nod of acknowledgement, fighting to keep the smile on his face until it’s out of the bartender’s view. As soon as the old lady with the anchor tattoo on her forearm turns her back, he makes a face, turning away from a fellow customer who frowns disapprovingly at his expression. Jeonghan gives him a helpless look, and begins making his way through the crowd to a pool table in the corner.

He knows that you think he’s the more sociable out of the two of you, but he begs to disagree, and the fact that you’re already laughing along with a mean-looking guy with a shaved head is only more proof. You turn slightly to let your eyes glide over the crowd searchingly, stopping when they spot him coming towards you. Something in his chest clenches when he sees your face light up upon seeing him. You wave him over to the table, and he raises the drinks in response.

“You might wanna go slow on these. I think I saw something wiggling in the bottle she poured these drinks from,” he warns as you take the glass from him. You grin, but pay no heed to his warnings, tossing the whole thing back like it’s a regular Tuesday.

“How bad could it be?” Shrugging, you put the drink down and smooth down the front of your skirt, briefly playing with the corner where the slit ends. “Maybe it was like an eel or something.”

“Well, you’re certainly something,” he mutters to himself, raising a disbelieving eyebrow. “Why don’t you go ahead and drink mine too, if you’re so fearless? Might find a shark fin in there.”

“Those are too big to fit in a bottle, silly.” You roll your eyes, taking a cue stick leaning against a corner. “Now let’s get this party started,” you purr, bringing the stick up and across the table and positioning yourself behind it.

Jeonghan shakes his head, but doesn’t try to push down the smile that appears on his face. “Okay,” he sighs, coming around the table to your side, leaning so his face is level with yours. “So you want to keep the stick aligned with your line of sight, and try to aim for the easy pockets first.”

You lick your lips, screwing one eye shut to aim. “You underestimating me?”

“No, it’s just to keep your mood up. Now choose your shot.” You survey the layout of the table once before deciding on a target, arranging your stance to aim accordingly. Jeonghan nods. “Okay, good. Line up, and be careful about the angle.”

Placing the stick’s tip near the cue ball, you bend again. “Like this?”

He reaches over, rearranging your hand that’s splayed against the table so your first two fingers make a bridge. “Balance the cue on top of that,” he says, curling an arm around your waist. His fingertips press against the elbow of your cueing arm, stabilizing it. You shiver slightly as if a cool breeze had just blown through, making his own stomach flutter. “That’s it, like that,” he whispers in your ear, enjoying your reaction as you squirm. “Steady, steady…now try.”

Taking a deep breath, you shoot. The cue ball cuts across the dull green surface, bumping into the black ball and sending it rolling into a corner hole. Grinning, you straighten, pumping a fist in the air. “Nice!”

“Yeah, pretty nice.” Jeonghan nods. “Except we’re playing 8-ball pool, which means if you pocket the 8 ball before all the stripes and solids are gone, you lose.”

A despondent boo erupts from the audience watching the soccer match, exactly in sync with your face as it falls. “You didn’t tell me that before,” you say accusingly. “That’s cheating.”

“Good try though,” he acknowledges, taking a sip of his drink. It tastes just as bad as he’s expected. “And I didn’t cheat, I just withheld information.”

“That’s lying.”

“Tomato-tomato.”

You bring up the cue stick, pointing the polished end at his chest. “I’m about to demolish you,” you challenge.

He grins and takes a stick of his own, tapping it against yours. “Bring it on.”

Jeonghan had intended on leaving the second you were done with your food, but you end up staying for more than a few hours as you keep asking for extra rounds despite continually losing. When you finally agree to leave, it’s way past two, and you walk with a giggly, faintly tipsy stupor so he has to support you all the way to the hotel. 

Instead of falling into bed immediately upon entering the room, you pull him into the bathroom, crashing your lips against his before he has the chance to let a question pass them. Jeonghan closes his eyes, holding you against him as you wrap your arms around his neck, almost dragging him down the floor as you go limp in his arms. Your back hits the wall with a loud thump, but you still don’t let up. “Someone’s eager,” he says as you press kisses along the line of his jaw, settling his hands on your hips.

You let out a soft breath, bunching up his shirt under your fingers. He leans in to kiss you, but you step back, holding him in place. “I was—do you think we should—”

Someone bangs against the other side of the bathroom wall, making both of you jump. “Message received, damn,” Jeonghan mumbles, turning his attention back to you. “Sorry, you were saying?”

You fumble with your words for a second before seemingly giving up, instead smiling brightly. “Nothing. Never mind.”

“Nothing, is it?” He kisses your jaw, and you let out a soft sigh. Your hand drops to his pants, moving to unfasten it, but he stops you. “Shh,” he whispers, brushing his thumb against your lips. “Walls have ears, remember?” he murmurs, as his warm breath fans your face.

You tuck your bottom lip under your teeth, blinking up at him so sweetly that he almost groans. He dips his head, nuzzling his face into the crook of your neck, the ghost of his smile against your skin. “We have to be quiet,” he says, lips touching the shell of your ear. “If you behave, I’ll make sure you’re well compensated for your efforts.”

Your breath hitches, and you turn your face away, letting out a choking laugh. “Oh yeah? And how are you planning to do that?”

Maintaining eye contact, he sinks to one knee, and slides his hands down from your hips to the back of your thighs. You steady yourself by placing your hands on his shoulders, and he tugs your skirt up, warm palms skimming the cool skin of your thighs. 

“Well, for starters,” he says in a low voice, watching your eyes as they darken, and slips a cold finger just inside the top of the slit in your skirt. “I’m going to make you come on my tongue.”

You watch him with wide eyes, still as a statue. Jeonghan licks a warm line up the inside of your leg, which twitches in response. “Remember, not a sound,” he warns, teeth nipping at your skin. 

“You’re an ass,” you tell him, taking a deep, shuddering breath.

He smiles, and taps at your knee to indicate to you to move it. You swing a leg over his shoulder, adjusting your stance to stabilize yourself. He hooks a thumb into the underside of your panties and pulls it aside, revealing your glistening core in its full glory.

The sight makes his breath catch in his throat. Jeonghan licks his lips, experimentally swiping the tip of his finger along your cunt, and you squeeze his shoulder. “Ticklish?” he asks, and you slide a hand through his hair, giving it an impatient tug. “Always so sensitive,” he tuts, even though the sensation sends a bolt of arousal straight to his dick. “Always had a bite, too.”

“Shut up,” you growl, impatiently pulling his face closer to your core.

“Patience, grasshopper,” he admonishes. He slips the finger between your folds, massaging lazy circles into it, and your grasp on his hair tightens. “Ask me nicely, and maybe I’ll give it to you.”

You grit your teeth, but the pause tells him you’re actually considering it. Your giving up so easily would take all the fun out of it, he decides, and without warning, he tilts his head up and closes his lips around your nub, flicking it with the tip of his tongue.

Your whole body seems to spasm in response, like a puppet that just had its strings pulled taut. Jeonghan grins into your cunt, and increases the pressure on your clit. You whine, rolling your hips against his face, but he holds you in place.

“Not so fast, honey bunny,” he murmurs against your arousal, which only has you straining harder against his hold. “You like that, huh?” he asks, and sinks his index and middle fingers into your hole knuckle-deep. “All those times you called me a silver-tongued devil—how d’you feel about this tongue now?”

As if to prove his point, he laves his tongue leisurely along the entire length of your pussy, making you cry out. “Jeonghan, please,” you moan, and his heartbeat stutters at your desperate pleading. The moment you start begging, he’s a goner. “More—ah—”

He doesn’t even remember that he asked you to be quiet. “Fuck,” Jeonghan snarls, “you know I can’t say no to you, don’t you?” He pulls his fingers out almost entirely, coated in your juices, before thrusting them back inside. He proceeds to bury his face back into your heated cunt, sucking on your swollen clit and finger-fucking you at the same time. You throw your head back, scraping your fingernails against his scalp as he eats you out like a starved man. “No.” he says, pulling away momentarily. “Keep your eyes on me.”

“Ngh—please—” Your words come out in broken moans, but Jeonghan scarcely hears them. He scissors you ruthlessly, stretching you out with his fingers, the other hand leaving dents in your skin where it digs into the soft skin of your thigh. Your orgasm is drawing near, he can tell by the way your walls are spasming around him, so he speeds up his pace, licking and suckling in quick succession, pushing you far past the point of satisfaction. “Jeonghan!”

You come with a cry, your eyes rolling back into your head, back arched against the wall. Jeonghan unlatches his lips from yours unwillingly, pulling back to admire the look on your face, hazy with desire. 

“Fuck,” you breathe once you’ve come down from the high, chest heaving. You let the back of your head fall against the wall with a light thump. “Where did you learn to do that?”

He shrugs with faked nonchalance, grazing your skin with his teeth as he slips your leg from his shoulder. A glint of satisfaction shines in his eye like an ember sparking in a dead bonfire as he gets to his feet. “I’ve been practicing.”

Your shoulders stiffen, and Jeonghan stops in his tracks. “Right,” you murmur, as alarm bells go off in his head. He regrets the words instantly, and moves to take a step towards you, but you’re already turning away and out of his reach, leaning towards your phone that rests precariously on the basin’s edge. “Oh, wow, it’s getting pretty late. I think we should head to bed.”

Jeonghan bites his lip. “Yeah,” he says softly, stepping back to allow you to slip past him and out the door. Stupid, he thinks, licking the remains of your cum from his lips. “I guess so.”

The next morning, after you finished locking the doors behind yourself, you’d come down to the lobby to find Jeonghan flirting with the receptionist.

He had both his elbows on the table, leaning his weight against it as he gave her his best smile, chuckling at some shitty joke he probably cracked himself. She’s pretty, you’d thought as you saw her smile, flushing as she tucked a lock of dark hair behind her ear. He said something else to her, and she giggled, but it had died out quickly when she’d spotted you approaching.

To his credit, Jeonghan dropped his smile as soon as he saw you. You’d deposited the keys, thanking the receptionist with the nicest smile you could manage, but even that wasn’t very nice. He hadn’t said anything as you got to the car, and you feel like shit even though you know he doesn’t owe you an explanation.

Stupid, you think to yourself. Stupid of you to forget that this whole thing was going to be over soon, stupid for caring so much and getting hurt despite yourself, stupid for thinking that Jeonghan would share your concerns. And let’s not forget angry: angry for getting so carried away, especially when you pride yourself on being so careful all the time.

The car hasn’t stopped in hours, not even for a gas refill, and you haven’t had a proper conversation since the drive started except for when Jeonghan tried to offer you a soda.

You’re glad you’re driving, because it gives you an excuse to be silent. Focus on the road. Jeonghan has sensed something off with your mood, but he hasn’t tried to ask you about it, and you don’t know whether to be grateful for him respecting your boundaries or mad for not trying hard enough. 

Now that it’s June the skies have begun to turn an angry, burning orange-red before six o’clock instead of remaining a softer bruised purple. You’ve been in the same position for a while although your neck started to hurt some time ago. It’s getting chilly, but not cold enough to roll the window back up, and you’re determined to fill the silence with the whistling wind for as long as you can.

You must’ve jinxed yourself, though, because the silence is broken in seconds. “Just so you know,” Jeonghan starts, tone light and conversational, “I wasn’t flirting with her.”

You tighten your hands around the wheel, staring so hard at the windshield that you’re surprised it hasn’t melted into a puddle of plastic yet. “I don’t care if you did,” you say tersely, trying and failing to sound normal. “It’s none of my business.”

“I was just asking her if she knew any places we could stay nearby,” he continues, instead of giving up. “And as it turns out, there’s this really great—”

“Actually, I think we should go home.” You cut him off demurely, not taking your eyes off the road in front of you, even though there isn’t another vehicle in sight. “My parents are probably worried about where I’ve run off to, and I’ve been kind of a shit friend to Joshua recently.”

Jeonghan’s mouth flattens into a thin line. “That was a choice you made.”

You scoff, rounding on him with a scornful look on your face. “Oh, so you want to talk about choices now?” you ask, voice full of strife. “Remind me again in case I’ve forgotten—it was your choice to have us break up in the first place, wasn’t it?”

The muscles in his jaw tighten, standing out under his skin where they flex. “Oh, come on. You’re just mad about last night and instead of acknowledging that, you’re changing the topic.”

“Okay, yeah, I’m mad,” you admit, “but that’s not why I’m bringing this up, and you know it. I believed you the first time you said anything. We can’t just never talk about what happened nine months ago—you can’t just sweep something that big under the rug and expect things to be fine and fucking dandy.”

“Who cares about something that happened months ago?” he asks angrily.

“Are you serious?” you ask, laughing disbelievingly. A chill is beginning to settle over your skin even as the air simmers at a hundred degrees.

He tugs an opposing sleeve, and throws the other hand up in exasperation. “I don’t see how it matters anymore.”

You stop the car.

Jeonghan opens his mouth, and closes it again. "You know, this whole stopping the car in the middle of the road thing is getting old," he says with a hint of exasperation in his voice.

“You don’t see how it matters?” You whip around to look him in the eye, and he shrinks back just a bit. “Jeonghan, you said getting into this relationship was a fucking mistake!”

He stares back at you, unyielding. 

“And now you want to act like that never happened?” you press on. “How did you expect this to turn out? That we would be on the road forever, always going nowhere? That you could get away with never addressing all the things you said, just because I never brought it up?” You scoff. “Did you ever give a shit, or was this whole thing just a way to get into my pants?”

Your eyes are burning, and not just from the heat. Jeonghan’s hands are balled up around the seatbelt, the skin around his mouth pulled tight. You don’t dare to look away, hoping against hope for him to finally say something, anything, even though you’ve been in a dozen arguments like this that all ended the same way. This time, you pray with bated breath, this time it has to be different.

“I guess it was just a bad idea,” he says finally, quietly.

Every tensed muscle in your body goes limp, and you’re pulling yourself out of the suffocating car before your mind has even formed a coherent thought, dying to get away from him. The asphalt seems to sizzle, and you wonder in a daze if the road is just a mirage and you’ve actually been standing in one spot this entire time.

You’re standing in the heat, the warm wind making your skin sting with sweat, and even with your hands covering your face you can still sense Jeonghan’s presence behind you. When you turn, there he is, standing still in front of the car. The sun’s rays reflect off of the hood of the car and into your eyes, and you blink back against the stinging brought on by the forceful brightness. For a second you can’t see the expression on his face as he shifts, his silhouette outlined in shadow by the glaring sun, but then your eyes adjust to the light and the look on his face makes something crack and split apart in your chest.

You know then that he will not say anything. He will watch you walk away, again and again and again, with that stoic set of his shoulders and the proud line of his mouth, but he will not say a word. You want to grab him and shake him, scream at him to say something, but you know that his words, in all their vehemence and vitality, are reserved only for him. And you’re going to stay outside, forgotten in the sun, where he hung you out to dry all those months ago.

You wrap your arms around yourself, feeling a twinge of pain against the side of your ribs where his fingers dug into your skin last night. For a moment, you can almost feel his hot breath on your neck, his teeth on your thighs, but you blink, and suddenly the distance between you feels too great. Jeonghan’s eyes bore into yours, the heels of his palms braced against the hood of the car he leans on, and even in the sweltering heat you have to suppress a shiver. 

“I knew this was a bad idea,” you whisper. “Even when I didn’t have a choice.” 

A muscle in his neck pulls taut, but all he does is lift one corner of his mouth in a lazy, sardonic smile. You watch him pretend not to notice as his grip turns white-knuckle-tight.

“Needs must when the devil drives, sweetheart,” is all he says.

You have no response to that. “Right,” you whisper. Your fingers are trembling, and you’re definitely in no state to drive, but you’re suddenly seized with the desire to get away from it all. Away from him. “Take me home, Jeonghan.”

Peonies have always been Joshua’s favorite. 

Even though you’ve never been big on elaborate apologies, the guilt you feel after having ignored your injured best friend for the past couple of weeks is strong enough that you end up buying a whole bouquet for him. Joshua’s mom’s face lights up when she sees you, and you give her a shy, apologetic smile right before she sweeps you up into a bone-crushing hug.

Your eyes widen, but you wrap your arms around her anyway, feeling stupidly emotional at the warm reception. “Oh, sweetheart, I haven’t seen you in so long!” she gushes, and you ignore the painful squeeze of your heart upon hearing the endearment. “If Josh had told me that you were coming, I would’ve made your favorite cherry brownies.”

“No problem, ma’am, I’ll be sticking around for a while,” you tell her with a warm smile.

“Oh, you must be looking for him,” she says, “Poor kid’s been cooped up for weeks, he misses you so much. I think he’s in the backyard, or I would’ve called for him.”

The backyard? You wonder what a guy with a broken leg is doing in the backyard—definitely not sunning himself in this weather—but you thank her anyway. Gripping your bouquet, you head to the back of the house, pushing past the screen door and stepping into the uncut grass of the Hongs’ backyard.

And stop short.

“What the fuck?” you sputter.

Joshua almost trips over the black-and-white football, steadying himself last minute to look up at you with wide eyes. Your grip on the flowers has tightened even further as you imagine it to be the boy’s throat. “Hey, ____,” he says with a strained grin. “I didn’t know you were coming! This is such a lovely surprise. And are those flowers? For me? Aw, you shouldn’t have!”

You stare him down, unrelenting. “I didn’t realize broken bones could heal themselves in less than three weeks,” you say pleasantly, a contrast to the death glare that pins him in place. “Shouldn’t you be resting, sweet Joshua?”

“Oh, um, the doctors were pretty surprised too. Miracle recovery, they called it.” He lets out a forced laugh as you cock an eyebrow menacingly. Joshua sighs, dropping the facade. “Okay, that’s not working, huh.”

“No,” you tell him. “But I can break your leg right now to make it all true, because I know how much you hate lying to your best friend.”

He puts his hands up placatingly, taking a careful step back. “Hey, hey, hey, I can explain,” he says, sweating. “Why don’t we go back inside and get you something to drink, and then I can tell you why I lied,” he suggests with a nervous smile. “You must be parched.”

You give him a dirty look. “For blood, yeah,” you mutter. “This better be fucking good, Hong, or I’m going to break both your legs.”

Back in his room, you opt to stand near the doorway in case he tries to bolt. You’d tried to upend the peonies into the bin, but he’d grabbed them before you could, saying that the poor flowers weren’t to blame. Joshua sits on the edge of his bed, hugging the bouquet to his chest, and you fold your arms threateningly across your chest. “Alright,” you say waspishly. “Explain yourself.”

He looks down at his shoes, see-sawing the heels of his cleats back and forth. “Before you get mad,” he starts, “you gotta remember one thing. I did it for you.”

Your lips curl downwards into an unimpressed frown. “Let me get this straight. You lied to me about your leg being broken, sending my ex-boyfriend in your place to take me home, for my sake?”

Joshua winces. “That sounds pretty terrible when you put it like that,” he confesses. “But, yeah, I did.” You unfold your arms, making as if to step towards him, and he yelps, putting his hands up again. “Let me explain!”

“You’ve explained plenty,” you tell him.

“No, I still have stuff left!” he pleads. “Listen, after you broke up with that guy, you weren’t the one who had to deal with him afterwards. While you went back to college, I had to stay here and be there for him while he was moping all over the place.”

You roll your eyes. “I would hardly call you and Jeonghan friends. There’s no reason he would come to you for comfort.”

“I mean, yeah, he didn’t,” he admits, “but this is a small town. Do you know how hard it is to escape the news of one break-up, especially one as high-profile as yours.”

“High profile?”

“You know what I mean,” he chides. “The point is, you didn’t see him afterwards. He was really torn up about it, you know?” You purse your lips as Joshua leans forward, his expression turning serious. “I didn’t have any sympathy for him in the beginning, because of what you told me, but the more I saw of him the more difficult it became to match up the idea of the Jeonghan I knew and the Jeonghan you said told you all those things.”

Scoffing, you look away, unable to stand the sight of Joshua’s imploring eyes. “Just because you couldn’t make sense of it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.”

He sighs. “Look, I’m not defending him. What he said to you—about not seeing the point in putting in effort, that you were just playing at charades, and the thing about your relationship being a childish mistake—”

You grit your teeth. “I get it. I was there, remember?”

“Yeah.” Joshua scratches his head, a thin line appearing between his brows. “He had no right to say any of that to you, but I still felt like there was something I was missing, so I went to talk to him.”

Defeated, you throw your hands up. “Of course you did.”

“And I don’t think he meant any of that. I mean, he still shouldn’t have said that shit, but…” Your eyes narrow to snakelike slits, and he shakes his head hastily. “Haven’t you ever gotten the feeling that despite all his bravado, the guy just doesn’t know how to express his feelings without getting defensive about them?”

You hesitate, biting your lip. Joshua sees the shift in your mood, and persists. “I might be wrong, and maybe breaking up with him was the best thing that ever happened to you,” he says, “but if there was the slightest chance of miscommunication, I would be a shitty best friend if I allowed you to let him go without a chance to set things right.” He tilts his head, sitting back. “So I faked a broken leg and kind of tricked him into thinking I was doing him a favor by letting him go get you in my place.”

“You tricked Jeonghan.” You can’t lie, you’re impressed. “Wow, you’re insane.”

“Um, I would say talented,” he argues. “Anyway, he was happy to do it. I think he was secretly looking for a chance to talk to you, so I thought a five hour drive might give him enough courage to tell you how he really felt. Then when you came back, I thought I’d surprise you, and we’d get to go on that trip after all. And then you texted me that you were eloping with him—”

“That’s not what it was.”

“—and I thought that my idea had worked. But then…” he trails off, and looks down at the flowers in his hands.

“But what?” you prompt.

“I don’t know, you tell me,” he says. “Something clearly went wrong.”

You sigh, and walk over to sit down heavily beside him. “It was going fine in the beginning,” you tell him. “But we didn’t actually talk about the argument, and after a point, I didn’t know how to bring it up. Then we sort of…” You wince.

Joshua frowns. “What?”

You think about all the different times the two of you fucked instead of talking about your feelings. “We kissed,” you finally speak, and Joshua shakes his head disappointedly. “A few times.”

“I’m getting the feeling that’s not all you did.”

You shush him. “And then it sort of reached a boiling point, and we argued. Again.” Your heart hurts as you remember the argument from only hours ago. “And he said some messed up things. Again.”

Joshua is silent for a few moments. Then he slings an arm over your shoulders, squeezing you against him in an incredibly comforting side hug. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles into your hair, and you blink back tears. 

“I missed you.” You reach up to wrap your hands around his shoulders. Joshua’s hugs are as comforting and as restrictive for your breathing as his mom’s. “I had the worst fucking time, but it was also the best fucking time,” you sniffle into the crook of his neck. Then you spot a gleaming trophy on his ledge. “Oh, so you guys did end up winning the playoffs.”

Joshua looks back, and nods. “Oh, yeah, the second half was absolutely insane. Remind me to tell you about it.”

You tuck your chin into his shoulder. “I still can’t believe I threw a whole tantrum about not getting to go on a trip,” you say, “when I could’ve just come back and done it anyway.”

“Don’t worry, we still have weeks to make up for that.” Joshua rubs your back comfortingly. “He’s an idiot.”

“Yeah, he is,” you mumble, speech slightly obstructed by your cheek squished against Joshua’s shoulder. “I just thought things might be different this time.”

“Me too,” he whispers.

You press your face back into his neck. "You're not off the hook, by the way."

Joshua sighs.

Joshua’s mom insists on throwing you a welcome back party that night, and despite being both emotionally and physically exhausted, you can’t find it in yourself to say no. She makes you your favorite cherry brownies, as promised, which are the only thing you eat before your appetite runs out.

You sit alone at the table after everyone is done eating and the guests have dispersed around the house, dragging your spin around the empty hollow of your bowl. Your shoulders feel heavy with the weight of all the mistakes you’ve made. As you sit there idly, you keep running your last conversation with Jeonghan over and over in your head, wondering what you could’ve said to make it go differently. 

You close your eyes, and for a moment you’re back to last October, standing on the ice-slicked ground outside the diner where you’ve celebrated every birthday with Jeonghan since eighth grade. His eyes are vacant and vicious and there’s ice trapped around your ribs that seems to be getting harder and sharper with every breath, and you’re screaming at each other until your throat is raw and your tears freeze in the cold.

There’s no point in crying over spilt milk, you suppose, and you’ve always been a hothead. You and Jeonghan together are about as mild as an active volcano.

Sighing, you get to your feet, the table cover rustling over your knees. You’ve stayed for about as long as you could have, and now you just want to sleep. I’m just gonna tell her I’m tired, you think, and head towards the backyard in hopes to catch Joshua’s mom conversing with someone there.

You step outside into the dark to find a single person sitting on the rickety old swing. Frowning, you move closer to figure out if it’s her, but the frame is too tall and masculine to be the person you’re looking for. “Sorry, I thought you were someone else,” you tell them as they raise their head, taking a step back.

“No. Stay.” A hand reaches out to wrap around your wrist, tugging it towards the swing. It’s then that you notice the silvery-blond hair, lit up by the smattering of light that shines out past the half-open screen door. Jeonghan gets to his feet, and you freeze. “Please.”

“I didn’t realize you were invited,” you say stiffly.

“I wasn’t. I just came to look for you,” he says. There’s an earnest touch to his voice, giving you pause. “To apologize.”

You bite the inside of your cheek, feeling your hackles rise. “What could you possibly have to say now?” You free your hand from his grasp, taking another step back. “You’ve made it sufficiently clear that this never meant anything to you.”

“Of course it meant something!” he yells. He takes a deep breath, chest still rising and falling. “I never wanted to hurt you. I was—I was scared.”

The notion sounds so ridiculous that you want to laugh in his face. But his eyes are still on yours, voice is gravelly and somber, and you feel like you’re rooted to the spot.

“Scared of what?” you whisper.

“Scared to repeat history,” he replies. “Scared to let my pride get the best of me again, say things I don’t mean. Lot of good that did me, since trying to avoid talking about it just led me to making the same mistakes.”

Your throat constricts painfully, like it’s being choked from the inside. “You really hurt me, you know,” you say hoarsely. “I never wanted to see your face again.”

A small, sad smile touches his lips. “I know,” he says. “Knowing that you didn’t want to see me made everything so much scarier. What if you just refused to come back with me? What if you’d rather just stay back or actually take the bus?” He seems to struggle with his words for a second. “When you agreed to come on that stupid road trip, I felt like I had struck the lottery.”

Your vision is blurry, and you blink rapidly against the oncoming tears. “Thank you,” you whisper, choking back the emotion that surges up your throat, “for telling me that. But,”

He waits.

“That’s not enough,” you complete tiredly. “I’m sorry.”

“Why?” Jeonghan asks, eyes blazing. He looks just as tired as you are. “Is it because of what I said? Because—I don’t know how to make you believe this, but I didn’t mean any of what I said.”

“No.” It feels like the only reason you’re standing still is because every cell in your body has had the energy sucked out of it, leaving you bone-weary. “It’s because you never say anything. And I’m sick of it, Jeonghan.” Your face twists as you try not to start sobbing like a little kid. “I can’t live knowing that you can go back to pretending to be that wooden, unfeeling shell of a person every time I rip myself to shreds in front of you. I hate that you never say a word, that you’re willing to watch me walk away rather than choke back that damn pride of yours. I’m fucking sick of it.”

His eyes soften. “I’m not the same person I used to be, sweetheart. Losing you taught me that,” he says quietly. “Even if I forget that at times myself. Please, just let me show you.”

“I'm not a girl anymore, Jeonghan,” you say tightly. “I don’t know how many second chances I have left in me.”

“That's what I'm afraid of.” He moves towards you, cupping your face. “Because you still feel like a girl to me… and I still feel like a boy around you. I'm afraid that you're growing up and away and out of me. That’s how I felt last October, when you came back so different, and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I thought you wouldn’t need me anymore.”

“Then why didn't you say that?” you demand, lungs burning. “All this time, I've been—” You finally let the tears flow. “I’ve been so…”

“Because I'm still seventeen," he breathes, "every time I look at you, choking on my words as you come down the stairs in your prom dress. I might be a devil, but when it comes to you, words still fail me." 

There’s a barbed wire wrapped around your spine, a spike stabbing into each vertebrae, that tightens and tightens with every word that comes out of his mouth. He laughs under his breath, as if remembering something. “You see,” he says, “being around you kind of activates my fight or flight instinct.”

A broken laugh bubbles to your lips, and you blink against the tears that seem to make everything brighter around you. “You suck,” you tell him honestly, making him smile as if you’d just told him he was the most perfect man on earth. Standing straighter, you school your features into an expression of formality, and clear your throat. “So how are you planning on not making the same mistakes again?”

“Well,” he says, “I’m gonna try really, really hard.”

You cast your eyes heavenward. “You’re really lucky I’m hopelessly in love with you.”

“I know.” Jeonghan takes your face between his cold hands and pulls you in for a firm kiss. You clutch the hem of his t-shirt, feeling warmth spread down to your toes when he smiles into the kiss. “I’m hopelessly in love with you, too.”

“Oh, look at you, all grown up,” Joshua gushes as you lug your olive green suitcase down the front steps of your porch. “Going off to college for the first day of her final year. I feel like we should take a photo to remember this moment.”

“Joshua, shut up,” Jeonghan grunts as he lifts the bag. “If you have the time to take a photo, you have the time to help me out with the luggage.”

“Um, aren’t you forgetting something?” Your best friend points exaggeratedly at the plaster cast that covers his foot. “I’m a bit disabled at the moment.”

Karma had come full circle for him when he’d tried to take over the neighboring eleven-year-old’s trampoline, and had ended up breaking his leg for real. Everyone thinks he deserved it except Joshua himself, who’d warmed up to the idea anyway when he’d realized that he could get people to sign cool stuff on his cast.

“You’re acting like I’m going for my first day at kindergarten or something.” You roll your eyes. 

“Yeah, you’re a real grown-up,” he leans over to pat your arm, withdrawing it hastily when you threaten to kick his broken leg. “Jeez, calm your tits.”

“I am calm.”

“Totally.” Jeonghan slams the boot of the Corolla, making a cloud of dust puff up. He reaches over to press a chaste kiss to your lips. “You ready to go?”

“I really think we should take a picture,” Joshua interjects.

Both of you turn to glare at him, and he shrinks into the wheelchair. “Sensing some hostility,” he mutters. “So ungrateful, considering that I’m the whole reason you’re together in the first place.”

“Exaggeration,” you say, and turn to Jeonghan. “I’ll just be a moment, okay?”

He nods, and you give him a tiny smile before running back inside the house. Joshua shakes his head curiously at Jeonghan, who only shrugs in response, just as mystified. They wait for a few more seconds, and Joshua pulls out the marker and begins doodling inside the D of your signature on his cast, which is a sweet, short message: Dick.

“Okay!” You command the attention back to yourself with a clap of your hands as you emerge from the door, this time with the plastic pink heart-shaped sunglasses adoring your face. “How do I look?” you ask, propping them up on the top of your head, and giving them a little twirl.

“Like an idiot,” your best friend says, deadpan. You smack the back of his head as you pass him. “Also, don’t forget your Hello Kitty backpack. They go with your glasses.”

“That’s mine, actually,” Jeonghan says pointedly, and turns to you with a heart-melting smile. “And you look gorgeous as always.”

“Disgusting,” Joshua comments.

You flip him off. “I’m ready to go now.”

“Well, then,” your boyfriend says breezily, patting the hood of the car, which causes another cloud of dust to billow into the air. “Get in. We don’t have all day.”

taglist: @fragmentof-indifference @sadgirlroo @joonsytip @odetoyoon @sstarrysshit @lockburn-castle @chocosvt @ohgeezitsbreadgenie @outrologist @ishireads @ti--red

love café

⚬ pairing: jeonghan x fem!reader ⚬ word count: 17.6K ⚬ warnings: some vulgar language, i guess! ⚬ genres: big time nsfw, dirty talk, lap dances, quickies, bath shenanigans, exhibitionism, overstim - you get what i mean. big ole romance, angst, fluff, jeonghan is very rich and very hot, joshua has a not so subtle crush on you. 

✧✎ synopsis: while you’ve spent the last few months pretending the love café doesn’t exist, you realize you need its services now more than ever. this brings you face to face with jeonghan, the son of a luxury fashion designer who’s got money to burn. your exchanges are strictly business. until they’re not. 

✧✎ a/n: YES, ANOTHER REWRITE. the original love café was just so unsalvageable that i almost fully wiped its plot, minus the actual concept of the café. so, this should read as fairly new! I HOPE U ENJOY IT !!

It’s not that you were desperate. Because you weren’t.

You were actually more than desperate at this point, and no longer could you sit on that uneven couch with the broken leg, staring at the chipped paint, listening to your neighbours’ screams, believing you should continue like this. More than anything, you were shortchanging yourself. There was no point in holding onto that little string of hope in which those employers might phone you back. It would be impossible to contact your family when you had affirmatively cut ties with them ages ago. And, it was becoming increasingly foolish to ignore your one saving grace, just a street over from your rundown complex.

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updated: 26/06/21

(m): mature content 

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tunnel vision | kim taehyung

summary | you’ve just gotten yourself a job working with the campus crush, kim taehyung. he’s quiet and brooding but everyone is obsessed with him including your best friend. what do you when she asks for your help in dating him when he’s catching feelings for you instead? he’s supposed to notice her but he’s got tunnel vision when it comes to you.

warnings | 13k words. college au. barista au. fem!reader, tsundere taehyung if u squint. looks like could kill u but is actually a cinnamon roll taehyung. unrequited love. reader has insecurities. Taehyung is forward and expressive. mentions of toxic friend dynamics. f2l kinda. smut. fluff. protective sex. 69, oral [f and m]. riding. missionary. rough but loving schmut. tae’s got good intentions. soft dirty talk, a lot of foreplay, nipple play, cunnilingus, messy but passionate. reader gives toe curling head. Tae got a big one but that’s just a fact.

song inspo: bff by jesse… ‘she’s your best friend but I can’t help my intentions on you, baby.’ — minus cheating undertones in the song lol

There is something bittersweet about wanting something you probably shouldn’t. Something about the fact it was forbidden or at least felt that way. Maybe you were exaggerating, maybe you weren’t, but finding the guy in front of you attractive doesn’t feel alright.

Not that he isn’t absolutely breathtakingly gorgeous to the point that it should be illegal… no, never that. It’s just, well, now you understand why pretty much everyone around campus is whipped for this guy. It was a small campus but wow did he manage to have everyone wrapped around his finger. The best, or worst, part is that he doesn’t even know it. He could also be acting like he doesn’t realize his affects on people but that only makes him that much more attractive. You’ve never been into the mysterious type—you were too impatient to let them open up. This guy is an entire breed of mystery and coolness yet he had a warm look in his eyes. He didn’t even have any social media and that just made him more aloof and attractive.

Now you understand why one of your friend’s freaked out on you after finding out you’d be working with him. In her own words: “Oh you lucky bitch! You’re gonna work at the same store as Kim Taehyung?”

You were in fact lucky to be in the presence of someone so attractive but that’s the part that felt forbidden. He was almost too attractive. If he’s even the slightest nice to you you’ll crush on him like it’s nobody’s business and that’s a big no no. Why is it a humongous no no? Because your best friend, So Hyun, has the world’s biggest crush on him. Borderline obsessive but honestly that was anyone who has ever seen him in person. You couldn’t possibly tell her he really was attractive because she’d have your head on a stick.

You learned your lesson after stanning the same member in some kpop group, she does not share. If she finds Taehyung even remotely attractive she’s got a crush and boy oh boy is she territorial. At twenty two years old she’s gotta be pretty damn grown to still act that way but hey, she’s your friend. It didn’t bother you that much, you just learned to keep things to yourself. So the fact that you could agree and say Taehyung is as attractive as everyone says, you’re gonna keep it to yourself.

“Tae Tae, don’t be so mean all the time, it really hurts my feelings,” one of your coworkers said suddenly. You were snapped out of your subconscious focusing again on what you’d been doing. You just started a part time job at a cafe bookshop near the University you attended. Most of the employees were college students but that didn’t mean you all attended the same place. You knew Taehyung was a year or two ahead of you and that the girl talking to him went to an entirely different college. It was a fairly decent sized shop that pulled a good flow of people in so it was a fun job. Three of you worked the late shifts but only two would stay to actually close the shop. Today, unfortunately lucky you got to close with Taehyung who seemed to ignore the other girl.

“Don’t you agree Y/n? Isn’t he kinda mean?” The girl, Sia, asked you making you freeze up.

You couldn’t help the clueless expression on your face as you said, “What?” Oh God why was she trying to drag you into this. You’ve barely been working here two weeks and it’s part time so it’s not every evening. This is barely your third shift with Taehyung and you’ve had extremely short conversations.

“Weren’t you supposed to be off five minutes ago?” He asked her suddenly as he read the time on the computer screen. She looked down at it cursing as she hurried to clock out completely forgetting her flirting with Taehyung. Neither one of you said anything as she blabbered on quick goodbyes running out the door leaving you two alone in the empty shop. It was a Thursday so it was pretty slow.

When it was finally you two alone not a word was said on your end. It took him about five minutes of only hearing the music for him to speak up, “You always get quiet when Sia’s here.”

You didn’t respond right away only looking up at him cluelessly again, “What do you mean?”

“Well the last couple of times we’ve worked together we talked but tonight with Sia you weren’t really talking,” he shrugged in response thinking back to the last two times you’ve worked together. Despite still being fairly new you picked up on the store rules quickly and you didn’t pester him nonstop like some of the other female baristas. Not that he needs you to pester him but he just noticed it.

“I can’t keep up with everything she says,” you admitted going back to your filling the machine with fresh espresso beans, “And to be honest I just sort of mind my business and try and get through work so I could go home.”

That last statement made him chuckle in surprise nodding his head in agreement, “Oh. You know that tall girl you’re friends with? The one who came in on your first day?”

“So Hyun?” You asked with peaked curiosity. He nodded crossing his arms in front of his chest as he leaned against the back counter, “She came in the other day looking for you but you weren’t working.”

Yeah you know. She called you after telling you how gorgeous Taehyung looked making a French press with the sleeves of his button up rolled to his elbows. Still, you acted like you didn’t know, “Really? I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah she was in here for a while but she didn’t buy anything,” Taehyung went on taking the large bag of beans from you so he could put it away, “I didn’t know you were in Journalism but she said you were.”

You nodded in response climbing down the step ladder and putting it away. Despite this being the third time working with him you still didn’t really know him. All you knew about this guy is what So Hyun has told you. Her crush on him started last year when he was one of the spokespersons for the art club. He’s also pretty well known for his oil paintings that were shown in last year’s Fine Art’s seminar where he won first place for the second time in a row. You’ve definitely heard whispers about him in passing with a group of strangers but you never thought much of them. He seemed to keep to himself and his close circle of friends despite his reputation.

“I’m gonna make myself a macchiato, do you want any?” You asked as you started to take out what you would need. His face scrunched in disgust as he shook his head, “No thanks, isn’t it a little too late for coffee?”

“It’s never too late,” you told him even if the shop was only open until 8:00pm and it was already 7:30. He snickered, “I feel like that’s not true.”

“It’s never too late for me, I need caffeine to survive,” you explained, “Trust me I’m not nice if I don’t have coffee in my system.”

“That doesn’t sound healthy,” he said teasingly as he turned to the drawer filled with tea containers, “I rather drink tea or hot cocoa.”

“Why? Not a fan of coffee?“ you asked taking a cup to pour your drink into. The bell above the door rang as a couple girls came in going straight to the music section. The two of you stopped to greet them before continuing your talk. He shook his head, “No it’s too bitter.”

“But you’re around coffee all the time” you stopped, what were you saying? “Doesn’t the smell bother you?”

He smiled as he finished making his drink letting it sit on the counter, “Not really the smell, I just can’t do strong tasting drinks.”

“Let me guess, you get drunk easily too,” you meant it jokingly but the awkward side eye let you know you were right. You laughed lightly as he nodded, “One beer and I’m drunk.”

Before you could respond the door dinged again and the two of you looked toward it. Your face contorted in a mixture of confusion yet joy as two people walked straight to the counter, “What are you doing here?”

“So Hyun wanted to come,” Hobi said with a shrug of his shoulders as you left the kiosk letting him wrap an arm around you in greeting, “And you’re off soon right? Let’s get drunk.”

“I’m not off till like 8:20,” you told him thinking about all the closing you still had to do after the shop is closed. He made a face, “Give me your key then, we’ll wait at your place.”

With that you went back to the kiosk going straight for your small locker tucked into the side where you grabbed your keys. Taehyung just stood behind quietly staring ahead in no particular direction. His face has turned to stone again, borderline uninterested but you barely paid it any mind. So Hyun glanced to him a couple times before finally speaking up, “What about you? Any plans for the weekend?”

He lifted his shoulders in a shrug, “Just gonna stay home.”

“Well that’s no fun, you should go out,” she said batting her eyelashes. You were too busy talking to Hoseok to notice the way his eyes glanced your way for a brief moment. He didn’t give her a verbal response, simply nodded in agreement and turned away to get busy with something else. Once they had the keys to your apartment they left together leaving you alone with Taehyung again and the two girls still looking at albums.

“Is that your boyfriend?” He asked now that it was just you two. You turned to him, “He’s just a friend. I’ve known both of them for a couple years now.”

There wasn’t much talking anymore as you helped the girls with their things at register and Taehyung left to recover the floor and flip the sign to ‘closed’ after they left. You worked quickly to finish your closing duties and by the end of the night you were standing outside the shop while he locked it up.

“Which way are you headed?” He asked you staring around the empty street. It was dark and there weren’t many people out. The only light came from lit up store fronts. You pointed in the direction you’d be leaving to making him nod, “I’ll walk with you.”

“Oh you don’t have to, is it out of your way?” You asked as you two began walking in that direction anyway. You definitely didn’t expect him to offer something like that.

“The bus stop is on the way but it’ll still be a while so I don’t have a problem,” he told you shoving his hands in his coat pockets, “Plus it’s late and dark out so I wouldn’t want you walking home alone anyway.”

He walked you all the way to your apartment stopping across the street. He waited for you to pass the safe zone before turning around and heading back to the bus stop. He didn’t know that your friend was waiting on the other side ready to bombard you with questions about what the two of you talked about.

So Hyun let out an overly dramatic sigh, “If he just gave me one chance, I swear…”

Hoseok sat up from his spot on the grass, “If he gave you a chance he’d go running the second he finds out you stalk him.”

“I don’t stalk him—“

“You do,” you and Hoseok said at the same time laughing. He pushed the textbook off his lap, “Besides if anyone’s got a chance with Prince Charming it’s Y/n.”

You rolled your eyes, “He’s so far out of my league I can’t even think of him as anything other than a coworker.” You typed away on your laptop, you were currently doing an Op-Ed on recent movies just out in theaters for the student board page.

“Eh, you’re always talking when we come in and you work together, don’t think I haven’t noticed the heart eyes,” Hoseok smirked kicking at your leg as if that’d make you admit it. So Hyun looked to the both of you before a smile stretched across her face, “Is he working tonight?”

“I don’t know, I just agreed to cover the shift for Jimin but I don’t know everyone working,” you told her truthfully. You picked up the shirt after one of your coworkers asked if you could cover his shift. You still had some time for a few assignments so you weren’t in any rush to do the work. Since you wanted extra cash you agreed to cover the shift. Thankfully you weren’t stuck closing tonight so you’d get off earlier than usual.

“Well if he’s working you should see if he’s got any plans this weekend, Hobi’s having a bunch of people over so it’d be a perfect excuse to see him,” So Hyun said wishfully, “And then you can talk about me and make him see that I’m the one for him.”

“I thought he didn’t party,” Hoseok asked staring off in the distance across the courtyard on the East side of campus.

“He does if his friends are there, so make sure you invite them too.”

“And how am I supposed to do that?” You asked with a sigh. She glared down at you for a second, “I don’t know but you have to. Please? For me? You know I like him a lot and you’re my best friend who’s so lucky to be working with him.”

“So why don’t you just apply to work there instead of trying to get Y/n to set you two up,” Hoseok cut in, “Stop trying to make Y/n do the impossible.”

“Ugh you’re so mean to me Hobi, just say Y/n is your favorite.”

“Alright, Y/n’s my favorite,” you smacked him lightly to get him to stop but he just laughed in response. All three of you were pretty close but it’s true that sometimes you and Hoseok are closer. Nothing against So Hyun or anything but sometimes your personalities collide a little too much and you can only hang with her for so long before your social battery runs out.

“I’ve gotta get to my last class,” you said packing your things up, “If he works tonight I’ll try and tell him about it but I’m not making any promises.”

“I love you, you’re the best!” So Hyun said as you walked away from them. Before heading to your next lecture on photography you went looking for a vending machine.

You know how sometimes, when you hear of something for the first time [or see something up close that you’ve never seen before] and suddenly it’s popping up everywhere? Like when you hear of a random thing and now it’s all you can see or think about. That’s what’s happening right now.

Before you started working at the bookshop cafe you rarely saw Taehyung. Sure, a couple times you saw him around on campus but he was never close. Now that you started working with him and actually talk to him it’s like he’s everywhere. Like at the vending machines for example. You didn’t try and talk to him or anything but that didn’t stop him from turning at the feeling of someone behind him in line. He had to do a double take to make sure it was you, “Oh hey.”

“Hey,” you mumbled looking around as if talking to him alone was already pushing your luck. One of his fangirls might jump out at you and you wouldn’t be surprised if it was So Hyun. He got his drink and stood to the side stalling his departure as you went to get your own drink. Sensing his hovering you turned to him punching in the number for your drink, “Do you work tonight?”

“Er no, I think it’s Jimin, Jin, and Sia,” he told you as your drink was dispensed. You reached down for it pulling back with it in hand as you said, “Oh, I’m actually covering for Jimin today, we switched shifts.”

“Ah so he got you to do it? That’s nice of you,” he said. You acted like you didn’t notice the way he joined you now on a walk toward a direction neither one of you were sure of, “So does that mean we aren’t working together tomorrow?”

“No, I know it’ll be hard without me but I’m sure you’ll manage,” you teased. Your boss Jin, typically made the schedules and he liked consistency so usually, you were scheduled in shifts with either Taehyung or Sia. Very rarely did you work with some of the other baristas despite being there for a month already. It made it easier to create routine though since you mostly closed with Taehyung and you two split the work load in a way that made it easier for you both.

“I guess I’ll have to,” he let out a dramatic sigh stopping at a corner to look at you, “Got any plans this weekend?”

Oh right, quit your attempts at flirting you had an objective. You nodded your head, “Yeah actually, well kinda. You know my friend Hoseok? He’s gone to the shop a few times?” Taehyung nodded waiting for you to keep going.

“Well he’s throwing a party on Saturday and I was gonna ask a few people from work if they wanted to come.”

“Ah, so I’m one of the chosen few invited?” He asked with a playful smirk that you’re still trying to get used to. At a glance Taehyung always looks cold and expressionless. He dresses pretty mature in academic styled clothing and he’s just known for being serious all the time. Lately he’s been giving you glimpses at his 4D personality that sends you on a whirlpool of mixed emotions. You can definitely see why girls fall for his charms. On top of being physically attractive he’s also charming even if it is only toward a selective few. You definitely don’t see him smile that way to Sia or any of the other girls he talks to but you try not to let that thought get to your head.

“You can say that,” you said turning around to face him now that you really had to cut the conversation short to get to class, “I can text you the details if you’re interested.”

“Yeah alright, I’ll let you know.”

He let you go off as he stood there for a moment. Not even an entire minute later was a hand smacking down on his shoulder pulling him to one side as his friend, Jimin, stood there next to him. He had a cheesy grin, “Damn, I just missed Y/n. I was gonna thank her for switching shifts with me today.”

Should Taehyung mention what you’d told him? Or should he keep the party invite to himself so he has an excuse to see you outside of work? He’s seen you around campus a few times but he’s never sure if he should go out of his way to talk to you. He’s a pretty private person and you seem to be like that too so maybe you don’t like mixing your work life with everything else. Right now that you ran into each other had purely coincidental yet he was pretty pleased about it.

He’s not sure what it is about you but he enjoys seeing you. You’re really pretty but that wasn’t why he liked talking to you. A lot of girls around him were pretty but that never interested him in getting to know any of them better. He’s not really interested in relationships right now but that doesn’t stop people from trying to get closer to him. It’s tiring, honestly, or at least he thinks it is. He rather spend his time on his paintings and school that way he can graduate and start looking for a stable job as an art curator.

None of the girls who’ve tried to get closer to him have been his type either. Maybe he’s picky or unrealistic but when he’s thinking about someone he thinks about their future together. He doesn’t want to waste his time with meaningless hook ups or relationships if he doesn’t think it’ll ever work out. Take his coworker Sia for example, she’s extremely pretty but she drives him insane. She’s so forward and honest about her interest in him that it sort of pushes him away. If he falls for someone he doesn’t want it to be forced. He wants it to happen naturally because there’s genuine chemistry.

That’s why he likes talking to you at work. He likes to think there’s some chemistry there even if it’s just platonically. Conversation flows between you two so easily that working with you just makes his shift go faster. It doesn’t seem like you have ulterior motives when you talk and it feels like you’re actually interested in what he has to stay instead of just pretending like you are because you find him attractive. Do you find him attractive?

“Earth to Taehyung! I asked if you’re doing anything this weekend?” Jimin asked snapping him out of him out of his thoughts. He looked down at his friend, “Uh no? Just planning on staying home all weekend.” Lie.

“Alright so Saturday I’m meeting up with this chick and apparently her friend is crazy into you so what do you say? A group date or something?” Jimin asked hopefully as he followed Taehyung to his next class, “They’re pretty hot, dance majors, flexible…”

“I’m busy Saturday.”

“Okay well that’s a lie since you just told me you’re not doing anything,” Jimin rolled his eyes, “Come on do me one solid. You never wanna come out.”

“Sorry, I’m not interested,” Taehyung sighed turning to Jimin ready to leave, “Go ask Yoongi, I’ve gotta get to class.”

By the time the weekend rolled around you shared a couple quick texts with Taehyung. Nothing major or anything but he did ask for the address to the party and little things like telling you a certain regular came into the shop asking for you. It’s kinda bad how a text from him made you smile a little. Once again, you weren’t doing anything wrong but knowing your best friend had a huge crush on him while he texted you didn’t feel right.

He caught you completely by surprise Saturday night when he called you in the middle of you taking a shot at Hoseok’s party. You had to step away from the group as they loudly talked over the music finding a corner to answer the phone, “Hello?”

“Hey, so I think I found the place but how do I get up there?” He asked staring up at the apartment building in front of him. It took you a second to process what he was saying before you were rushing toward the door, “I’ll come down, see you in a minute.”

Taehyung couldn’t help the tiny smile from spreading across his face as you came down carrying a drink in hand. You waved him over to the door and he let a hand touch your side in a quick hug, “Are we getting you drunk tonight?”

“Let’s see how the night goes first,” he told you smiling following you to the elevator. He came alone even if you told him you’d be inviting people from work. He could’ve asked Jimin to come but he wanted to go on that group date and Taehyung was worried he’d ask those girls to come. When he first got the party there were a lot more people than he expected. Some were familiar faces from school and some weren’t. The ones who did recognize him approached him surprised to see he was at a party knowing damn well he was a homebody.

“What do you want to drink then?” You asked him leading him to the kitchen where the counter was filled with liquor bottles people brought and a few chasers. You tried not to think about his proximity when he came up next to you, a hand flat on the counter next to yours as you could feel the aura of his presence directly behind you peaking over your shoulder to inspect the inventory. He looked down at your cup, “What are you drinking?”

“It’s for alcohol but you can barely taste it,” you told him, “But if you’re a lightweight I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.”

“Bad thing for sure, let me taste,” he said taking the cup from you. You studied his face to see if he’d like it, his eyes locked on yours as he tipped the cup back letting the drink pour down his throat.

“Well?” You asked as he passed the drink back to you licking his lips. You couldn’t hear his response over the music so he leaned down close to your ear, his breath tickling your lobe as he spoke, “I like it.”

You ignored the shiver that went down your spine, “I’ll make you one then.” He nodded his head, lip being tugged between his teeth as he stared down at you. You looked prettier than usual but he thought you normally looked pretty anyway. Maybe it was the atmosphere that made him feel relaxed around you and since you weren’t running around making coffee drinks you looked more at ease too. He’s not sure if parties were your element but if he were to be asked to go on a night out he’s sure to say yes if you were the one asking. Now that he’s getting a chance to look around he noticed he’s the only one from work. That could mean the others you invited didn’t come, or he was the only one invited. He was going to go with that latter since Jimin didn’t mention an invite and that meant you specifically wanted him here.

Your brows furrowed in concentration looking at him leaning a little closer. It caught him of guard, his eyes shifting down to your lips for a moment before you pulled back. He blinked nervously as you smiled, “I just noticed… your eye lids are different. One’s a monolid and the other isn’t.”

Immediately his hand flew to block one of his eyes in embarrassment, “Yeah, it’s kinda weird.”

“I like it,” you whispered back to him still looking at his eyes as his hand slowly dropped to his side again. You both looked away from each other awkwardly as he raised his cup to his lips in order to hide the upward curl of his smile line.

“Y/n!” The call of your name pulled you both away from the stump and your hand was leaving the counter, barely noticing how the tips of your fingers had been touching his this entire time. You turned around looking for the one who called for you, So Hyun came up with a smile, “Jungkook just got here and he’s looking for you.”

Taehyung looked down to you as So Hyun motioned for you to take the excuse and leave. If you just let her work her charm on Taehyung she’s have him falling for her in no time—or so she says. You blushed looking back to Taehyung, “Oh, um, do you mind giving me a moment? I’m just gonna see what he wants.”

“Um…—“ “Don’t worry I’ll keep Taehyung busy,” she told you nudging you forward, “Why don’t you go find Jungkook?”

Taehyung watched you leave, the effects of being at a social gathering finally weighing on him and suddenly he wasn’t so at ease anymore. So Hyun flashed him a flirtatious smile, “Wow, I never see you at these sort of things. It’s good to see you let loose.”

“Yeah…” Taehyung nodded awkwardly. He didn’t really know So Hyun. The only times he’s talked to her is when she’s visited you at work and to be honest, he finds her kind of annoying. Honestly he couldn’t even understand how you two were friends but hey, they wasn’t for him to question. Don’t get him wrong, So Hyun seems nice but it’s almost forced. Like she’s not being genuine and he hates people like that. He was way more interested in knowing who Jungkook was rather than what she had to say.

“What are you drinking? Can I try it?” She asked him to which he shook his head no. “I don’t like sharing drinks,” he muttered scanning the groups of people to find you. Maybe this Jungkook guy wouldn’t mind if Taehyung included himself in the conversation. He found you across the living room chatting it up with a guy who had a full tattoo sleeve. It made his lucky number seven tattoo seem like a joke. Did you like guys with tattoos and piercings?

You put your arm on the guy’s shoulder laughing at something he said and Taehyung swears his eye twitched. The eyes you just recently complimented that left him feeling a little too happy over it. Has he made you laugh like that? You haven’t known each other for long but he likes to think he makes you smile at work. Maybe you’re the type who needs to be comfortable around someone before initiating skinship and it just means you two can still get closer. He wouldn’t mind that, possible texting you more or hanging out outside of work and school. Actually, he’s currently work on a new art piece and he needs a model for body proportion reference, maybe he could ask you?

The more he looked the more irritated he felt. This is why he can’t do crushes at his grown age, he’s way too possessive and intense. He doesn’t want anyone else making you laugh. Uh oh. Wait, does he like you?

Ah shit, he does.

“So let me get this straight,” Jungkook cleared his throat, “So Hyun has a thing for the campus crush, Kim Taehyung, and he’s your coworker. She asked you to get her with him and you’re helping her like a dumbass even though he clearly has a thing for you?”

You nearly choked on your drink, “Oh my god Kook, he definitely does not have a thing for me. We’re just friends.”

“Yeah okay, so why is he looking at me like he’ll hurt me if I get too close to you?” Jungkook asked raising a brow as if the answer were so obvious. You brushed him and his ideas off, “You know he’s a private person. He probably just feels weird that I left him with So Hyun when he doesn’t really know her.”

“I mean sure but he could also be thinking about murdering me because you left him with So Hyun to come talk to me. Are you even thinking about the danger you’re putting me in?” Jungkook asked holding a hand to his chest, “I know people say I’m intimidating but just look at his T-bone. One glare from him is good enough to K.O someone.”

“You’re so stupid—“ “No you’re stupid because now he’s leaving,” Jungkook shrugged making you whip around to find Taehyung. Sure enough he wasn’t next to So Hyun anymore and instead making his way to the door. You pushed your drink into Jungkook’s hand as he smirked yelling after you as you took off wishing you luck.

“Hey! Where you going?” You barely made it out the door catching him waiting for the elevator turning to look at you.

“Well, y’know I don’t really know that many people and you looked busy so…” he bit his lip in thought hearing the elevator doors open but making no move to get in as you walked over to him. Your brows furrowed, “Did So Hyun ditch you?”

“Uh no, you did,” he answered truthfully catching you by surprise. You brushed your hair out of your face nervously. Kim Taehyung does not have a thing for you. It’s literally not possible. Look at him then look at you.

“Right sorry, one of my friends wanted to talk and I sort of got dragged into conversa—“ “Yeah you looked pretty busy,” Taehyung shrugged as if it was no big deal even if it felt like it was to him, “No worries, it was fun though I think I’m just ready to call it a night.”

“Taehyung,” you whined thinking back to So Hyun and how she’ll blame you later for him leaving because he didn’t want to talk to her, “Can’t you stay a little longer? I won’t leave you alone anymore, I feel bad now.”

“Don’t,” he sighed hearing the doors close again. You were standing so close that he could practically smell the shampoo in your hair. He didn’t think it through when he moved a piece of stray hair behind your ear, “Don’t feel bad, I mean. I had fun, seriously but I don’t want you to feel like you’ve gotta stay with me all night.”

Even though he’d like it if you did but maybe that’s just the jealousy speaking. His touch sent goosebumps along your skin as you took an unconscious step toward him, “But I do feel bad since I invited you.”

Okay sure, you invited him because So Hyun asked you to but you found yourself just as excited as her to see him tonight. Obviously you tried not to think about it too much but it was hard not to when he was looking at you so sweetly. You never knew you liked guys with a twist. Someone who looks cold and mysterious but is an actual sweetheart to those he’s friends with. If you heard the little interest he had in what So Hyun or any other girl had to say compared to how attentive he was to you, you’d know he’s into you. But you don’t know that or you refused to even think about that possibility.

He smirked, “Well then you can make it up to me over lunch next week. Whenever you’re free between classes let’s eat in the cafeteria.”

“Okay!” You said excitedly, face lighting up. He nodded stepping closer pulling you into a goodbye and a promise to text before finally getting into the elevators. You got back to the party blushing and slightly confused on if you should tell So Hyun about lunch.

Part of you would like to have lunch just between you two but he’s already been way too nice to you. Jungkook already thinks he’s into you and soon you’re gonna start believing it too if you keep going at this rate. You’ve definitely confused a guy’s niceness for interest in you and you’re way too embarrassed when they choose So Hyun over you.

That’s why you agreed to help her. She’s drop dead gorgeous and had the height and body of a model. You definitely did not compare and knowing she was so stuck on Taehyung you didn’t even have a chance. You’ll just live vicariously through her if they ever do get together. He’s the total package and you can agree to that even if he wasn’t your type originally. Too bad you’re not as attractive or interesting as your best friend and all the other girls into him. Even Sia is so pretty it makes you want to cry. And she has such a soft and feminine voice unlike yours.

Ugh, maybe you’ve been single for too long and need to do something about it so you stop thinking about your best friend’s crush.

It was mid next week when your schedule aligned with Taehyung's and unfortunately for him so did your friends. He waited in line behind you and So Hyun as you got your trays of food pretending like everything was cool even if it was supposed to be just you and him.

"You're paying right? I forgot my wallet," So Hyun asked looping her arms with yours giving you a smile. Your brows furrowed, "Don't you have Apple Pay?"

"But you're paying for Taehyung's it's not fair." You rolled your eyes. You really hadn't planned on letting So Hyun tag along but after overhearing you tell Hobi you weren't going to have lunch with him today she asked why. You had to come clean and then she threw a fit for not inviting her. You tried telling her that you weren't sure if Taehyung would be okay with it but she assured you that on the night of the party they got along really well. She also thinks he might be a little into her and well, who were you to ruin her chances when she actually might have a shot with him?

Okay, to be fair you don't think he's that into her but hey, you're just going along with the flow and doing as told. Once you all got your food you turned quickly to reach for your wallet not noticing Taehyung sneak past you and paying with his phone for all three meals. You turned with your wallet in hand looking at him in disbelief, "I was going to pay for it all."

He lifted a brow biting his lip looking down at you for a moment, "You can treat me next time."

Next time? What does he mean next time. Like did he mean he wanted you two to go out for a meal again? Or was he just saying that to say it but with no intention of it? So Hyun tried not to overthink what he said either instead moving too match his pace to an empty table, "Thank you Taehyung, that was so sweet of you. Maybe I should treat you to a meal too."

He simply nodded in acknowledgment as the three of you took your seats at an empty table. You sat next to So Hyun as she moved to the spot in front of Taehyung and it made you feel slightly awkward. You're not sure if you're reading it right but Taehyung seems disappointed. The three of you are in an uncomfortable silence that made your leg bounce anxiously. You stood up awkwardly, "I'm gonna go dump this, I'll be back."

So Hyun looked after you with an unreadable expression as she tried to think of something to say to him. "I'm still surprised to see you at that party since I know you don't really go to many. You're not really into going out, are you?"

"You could say that," Taehyung huffed leaning into the table, his tone a little bitter as he looked after waiting for you to walk back already. He was being rude, he knows it but he just doesn't get it. He was hoping it was just you two so he could try and understand what he feels for you and if there was any possibility there but now he couldn't.

His gaze shifted to So Hyun speaking clearly now, "But I went so I could see Y/n."

He had a feeling he knew what So Hyun was trying to do. She might not have had the worst intentions but Taehyung didn't like it. If she were to approach him naturally instead of trying to force her way close to him through you, he might've looked at her different. But he just didn't like her way of doing things. It didn't feel genuine and sure she was pretty but he didn't feel any sort of connection between them. So it sort of upset him that you seemed to be playing along in her charades. It had him raising from his seat holding his tray and backpack.

Your slow walk back to the table was rushed at the sight of him leaving making sure to glare at you in the process. Your brows furrowed in worry as you quickly went to So Hyun who was gathering her things too, "What happened?"

She rolled her eyes holding her things, "Well he's definitely not into me at all. Good fucking job."

"Alright we'll now I'm extra confused, are you trying to say this is my fault?" You asked, some pent up frustration leaking out. This is why you should always mind your business and ignore people's wishes. You try and help them then get blamed when shit goes wrong. So Hyun sighed, "Of course it's your fault I told you I liked him and you flirt with him anyway! He literally hates me, what did you say to him?"

"Look, I have no idea what you're talking about," you raised a hand in surrender getting your backpack, "And I don't understand why you're suddenly mad at me when I've literally done everything you've asked me to."

"Ugh, don't you get it? It didn't work Y/n, he hates me and I think you told him something," So Hyun accused you pretty dramatically in your opinion, "You know I'm into him so why would you do that?"

"I'm sorry but you sound so dumb, why would I say something to make him hate you?"

"Because you like him! You knew I liked him first and you didn't like that so you were talking shit about me," she added making you scoff. Alright that's enough, you held your book bag on your shoulder.

"Okay well clearly you're delusional and need to grow up," you said with a small sigh as you looked up at her, "It's not my fault you're unlikeable."

The argument didn't even seem like a big deal unfortunately. You've had a fair share amount of petty arguments with So Hyun through the course of your friendship and yet you never stopped hanging out. Give it a couple days for Hoseok to force you two to make up and everything would be fine. Now would everything be fine with Taehyung? You're not sure honestly.

Luckily for you, you caught him outside a couple minutes later. He didn't even try and avoid you when you came up to him you cleared your throat awkwardly having no clue what to say now that you were in front of him, "You left earlier without saying bye. I'm starting to think you're not good at goodbyes."

You tried joking in hips of easing the tension by bringing up when he tried leaving the party the other night. He licked his lips with a sigh looking away from you, "Right... bye."

"Tae, I'm sorry if you're mad at me or an—"

"Why would I be mad?" Taehyung asked leaning against the wall of some class building. You struggled to find a response though you're not sure if he was actually looking for one from you. "Because you keep letting your friend try and include herself in time that I'm trying to spend with you?"

Your silence was irritating him so at this point he was rambling, "Look if you're not into me, I get it but I definitely don't need you trying to get me with one of your friends."

"No... that's not—Tae—" you couldn't form the right words. Great. This is why you should really mind your business. In trying to help So Hyun you only managed to get both of them mad at you in the end. Your mind was so jumbled you almost missed the single 'if you're not into me, I get it' which was broad but at the same time a hidden meaning was behind it. Or at least you thought there was, like maybe an implication of what he was currently thinking? Maybe even implying he was into you and it's not reciprocated? Why was it an if? What was going to happen if you admitted to being attracted to him? You just had to know.

"What do you mean?" Was all that you could ask and it made him roll his eyes. He thought he was being obvious with how he felt about you since the beginning. Even before he realized he was into you he always paid more attention to you than anyone else. He always talked to you and went out of his way to find you at work. He went to that stupid party because you invited him. He paid for lunch today because he wanted an excuse to meet with you again and yet you still don't get it. He took a step closer to you, looking down at you making you have to crane your neck to look up.

"I mean that I'm not attracted to your friend, I'm attracted to you and only you," Taehyung said lowly, "Do you know what I mean now?"

You couldn't stop the flutter of your lashes being completely surprise. He's into you? Like, is that what he's saying right now? You said something you probably shouldn't have, "We're friends though."

It made him scoff. You really could not get it even if you were being hit in the face with it. He took a step back with a small huff, "Yeah well I don't really want to be just friends Y/n. But if that's all we'll be then whatever I guess, just friends."

"That's not—oh god I don't know what to say." You really didn't. Obviously you had growing feelings for him but the timing seemed off. Not to mention he was so out of your leave him having a liking toward you just made no sense. Was he playing you? Taehyung didn't seem the type but after everyone has told you that he doesn't really date or give people the chance you just can't understand why he's willing to with you.

He adjusted the strap on his backpack, "It's fine Y/n, you don't see me that way so I guess I got to get over it. It was my bad for thinking there was something between us. I've gotta get to my next class, I'll see you at work."

"Alright but that's not your fault that he's not into So Hyun, right?" Jungkook asked a week later at a party. So Hyun has yet to speak with you and you've been switching shifts with Jimin again until he gets his new schedule figure out. You haven't really had the chance to with Taehyung either but one problem at a time.

"I don't know," you sighed drinking from your red cup as the two of you talked in the corner trying to block out the rest of the party. You only came out with Jungkook tonight since So Hyun wasn't talking to you and Hobi didn't want to pick sides. "He kinda told me... he's into me or something."

"I mean yeah you're hot and easy to be around," Jungkook chuckled as if it were obvious making your eyes roll, "But I mean, I get she liked him but you did what you could. How is it your fault that you two fell for each other instead? It's not like they were dating or anything."

"We didn't fall for ea—" "Shut up because yes you did," he cut you off before a smirk appeared on his face as he teased, "You like him."

"Don't start with that please," you sighed. Frankly you didn't understand why she was so pissed off at you and you doubt telling her your problems with Taehyung would make it better. If anything she'll just be more mad at you for managing to peak Taehyung's interest when she couldn't.

"Y/n, I know what you're thinking, y'know?" Jungkook said, "You like him but you think you shouldn't because of So Hyun but news flash, she doesn't always have to get what she wants. He likes you, try it out. He's here, did you know that?"

"No he's not," you tried to say but he pointed across the room and sure enough Taehyung was here.

He'd been here for a while and it surprised everyone. He really wasn't the party type but a friend of his was here with Jimin. Jimin texted him that you were here with some guy, and like the hopeless jealous fool he is, he had to see who. It was your tatted friend again. He couldn't even approach you because he thinks you've been avoiding him even though Jimin has told him that you're just helping him out because of his schedule.

Before you could say anything Jungkook was already attempting to fix your hair and pull your shirt down to show more cleavage. You swatted at his hand as he said, "Look, he came for a reason and that reason could be you. So stop acting like this is a hard decision and just go talk to him. You haven't been laid in a while and even I'll admit he's hot."

"He's also been staring over here all night and it's kind of creeping me out so get away from me," he said the last part with a good shove leaving you to stumble forward. You turned to glare at him but Jungkook ducked out of view and left you there in a crowd of people confused. Maybe he's right. You know Taehyung is interested in you because he said so. You also know that So Hyun will be mad at you even if you didn't pursue him so why try and act like you didn't like him too? You're just gonna say fuck it and go for it with Taehyung because you're unbelievably attracted to him and not just for his looks.

"Oh she's coming over here, she finally saw you," Jimin says playfully as Taehyung stares at him worried now, "Who?"

"Y/n," Jimin smirked, "I know that's why you came tonight. You had no plans on coming until I told you Y/n was here with a guy. I'm not stupid."

Taehyung opened his mouth to protest when Jimin was patting his shoulder for good luck and leaving him alone in the kitchen where he'd been hiding this entire time. You blocked his path from leaving now, "Hey... I didn't know you were here."

"Yeah you were busy," he said in a harsher tone than he meant. He knows he didn't have a right to be upset over you talking to some other guy who you were friends with but he couldn't help it. Each time he thought about you he liked you a little more. Considering you haven't been talking as much it gives him anxiety almost when he sees you looking perfectly fine not talking to him. This is why he can't do short relationships, he gets way too attached and he overthinks everything possible outcome of the relationship. He doesn’t like games. He’s forward with how he feels and he’ll let it be known once he realizes it.

"What are you drinking? Can I have some?" You asked hoping to lighten the mood sensing he might be upset with you. He didn't say anything offering you the drink and in an attempt to be forward instead of taking it you pressed your lips to the rim. He tilted the cup up for you watching the slight drop of alcohol on your lip once he took it back. He visibly gulped looking down at you waiting to see what you'd do next.

"Um I wanted to apologize and let you know that it was wrong of me to try and force So Hyun on you," you told him honestly, "I thought that you were just being nice to me to be nice and I never considered you being into me at all. I know that's not an excuse so I just wanted to say sorry.”

Taehyung didn't say anything for a minute, he simply nodded in understanding even if he felt confused still. A small amount of irritation too, was he not being as forward about his interest in you as he thought? Why would you not consider his feelings for you? Did you think you were unlikeable? Did you not realize he thought you looked pretty doing absolutely anything?

"And," you bit your lip nervously. Listen to Jungkook's advise and try it out. See what happens if you're honest because yeah, you definitely wanted Taehyung all along even if you never admitted it. Would that make you a bad friend to So Hyun? Shaking the thought away you leaned on your tip toes finally ripping the bandaid off as you whispered in his ear, "I'm actually crazy about you."

He nearly choked on his drink looking down at you. He's always had slightly sensitive ears so feeling you whisper against his ear sent a shiver down his spine—especially because of what you said. You blushed lightly at your admission, "And if you don't completely hate me I'd like to talk things out privately. Like maybe at my place?"

"Right now?" He asked looking at all the party goers and the dark sky through the window. You nodded making him clear his throat nervously clenching his jaw at the thought, "Okay, what about that guy with tattoos?"

"Jungkook?" You asked him looking around the people for Jungkook. He was off already flirting with someone not paying any money to you. You'll just send him a text telling him you're leaving and it'll be fine, "He won't care."

He looked down at you absentmindedly letting the side of his leg brush against yours due to your proximity. With a final nod he spoke, "Alright let's go."

You ended up riding the bus as close to your apartment as possible and walked the short distance to the building. Your conversations were light barely brushing over the main topic and finding any little thing to talk about instead. You directed him to the living room while you went to your room for a moment to freshen up.

"Want anything to drink?" You asked Taehyung as he sat on your couch, unintentionally man spreading as he followed your figure to the kitchen. Now that he's got the confirmation that you were interested in him he wanted to move things along. He wanted to drag you to him and talk things out, maybe even kiss your way into a relationship.

"Water's fine," he muttered in response not bothering to hide the way he checked you out through the opening of the kitchen. It was pretty dark in your apartment, the only light coming from the kitchen and he sat in shadows. When you set his glass down you bent forward a little reaching for the control and he'd be lying if he said he didn't look at the skirt you wore in the process.

He sniffled a little fidgeting in his seat when you sat back next to him. You turned the tv on pulling up YouTube and playing some background music lowly before turning to him catching him already staring. You bit your lip nervously tucking some hair behind your ear as you just looked at each other for a moment.

"So, uh, do you wanna talk about... y'know," you used your hand to motion at the space between you hoping he got the hint of what you were trying to say. He nodded, "I mean, like I said, I don't really have an interest in being just friends but I also can't make you feel something for me if you don't."

"But I do," you told him honestly and it made him smile, eyes slightly glazed over. It went quiet between you two again and your confidence was starting to fade. Now that you've admitted to not only him but yourself too that you like him, there's definitely other things on your mind than just talking. You're just not sure what he wants to do.

You tried not to think about how his thigh was against yours and his arm was thrown behind you on the couch. The music was chilled out but definitely a little sensual and you're not sure if it was a little too forward already. He isn't making a move or anything so you couldn't read him at all. But at the same time, you can't keep being the one to not make any effort. You liked him since the beginning but you pushed the thought away because you didn't think he'd ever think of you that way. You let So Hyun include herself in time that was just supposed be you two and he was clearly upset every time. He has been more forward than you in expressing himself so maybe it's your turn.

You turned to face him now, knee digging into his thigh making his eyes widen in curiosity. With a deep breath you looked down at his lips tempted to just go for it but still slightly hesitant. It wasn't until the hand behind you began playing with the strap of your tank did you say fuck it. You barely moved an inch forward before his hand was flying to your jaw pulling you into him.

Your lips had barely touched before you were caving into each other's, mouths sloppily working in a frenzied kiss. It was super short too, both of you pulling away almost worried at the intensity of that little touch. Your eyes locked on each other once more before he was dragging you back to him. His head tilted to the right while yours went left, his hand still under your jaw keeping you in a position that worked for both of you.

There was nothing slow about the kiss, tongues meeting in the middle before exploring each other's mouth eliciting w deep groan from his chest as his fingers touched your hair letting his hand slide from your side to near your ear. With the sudden force of making out you found yourself moving before you could process what you were doing. You swung a leg over his lap until you were straddling him and his free hand went straight to your skirt.

Your heads bobbed in a messy make out session as his hand gripped the fabric of your skirt making you press closer to him until your chest was on his. Your arms wrapped around his neck and fingers in his hair when you found the palm of his hand flat on your butt sneaking under your skirt. You pushed at his shoulders lightly trying to pull away and catch your breath. A thin line of spit connected your lips together as you both panted unevenly. His eyes searched yours for any sign of regret, the hand on your panties now massaging into the flesh of your ass but not roughly. It was a soft and soothing caress as you began to pepper gentle kisses at the corners of his mouth. His mouth was slightly agape as he fought to catch his breath and not buck up into the warmth between your legs that was currently over his member. He couldn't even remember the last time he made out with someone like this. It had to be months at least, probably since the last girl he was in a relationship with. Taehyung's breath hitched as you got to the angle of his jaw sucking lightly making your way toward the space under his ear.

You didn't miss the way his hands tightened around you fidgeting a little when you got close to his ear. Deciding to take it further you pulled the end of his lobe into your mouth nipping at it softly with your teeth.

"Ngh," he bit back a moan at the feel, his eyes crossing for a moment when your breath fanned his ears. Why the hell were they so damn sensitive. You moved your hips over him feeling his grip on your butt tighten in the process. He was slumped back on the couch essentially letting you take the reigns for a moment as he tried to clear his mind of the dirty thoughts that were coming way too soon. Instead, he let your hips move over him back and forth, the rough denim of his jeans rubbing against your arousing heat.

You were practically dry humping like a pair of horny teens but it clearly wasn't enough. You both only had one thing on his mind and he needed it. Your fingers were in his hair scratching blissfully at his scalp as you whispered into his ear, "Wanna move things to my room?"

The tingling sensation traveled from his ear down his throat to his spine making him react far quicker than you expect. Both hands tightened at your bottom as he jolted off the couch keeping you on him. "Where?" He asked, lips brushing against yours as you clung to him. You pointed in the direction and he was taking you that way.

The door swung open with a bang before his leg was kicking it back shut. He walked until his knees hit the edge of a bed and just like that he was trapping you under him in another heated kiss. Your hands cupped his face as he pressed himself further into you, eyes squeeze shut in pleasure.

Just how you did on the couch, he was pushing his groin against yours, knees digging into the mattress with your body in between before he started a slow grind into you. The material of his jeans was doing magic hitting against your pleasure nub above your entrance and you could feel the growing bulge adding more pressure. His elbows were near your shoulders keeping himself from crushing you as your heads moved in every direction that could deepen the kiss more and more. Your lips felt numb, rubbed raw almost but neither of you pulled away. His tongue was winning against yours in exploration drawing a light sigh from your lips when he cradled your head between his arms to keep you in place.

Your hands were playing with the collar of his shirt before running down the front of his chest to feel what was underneath. It was soft and lean muscle, the kind that someone had when they were fit even without intense exercise.

He put most of his weight on his legs as he sat back further with his calves tucked under his thighs letting his hands move down your sides bunching up your shirt. Your mouths only separated for one quick moment only enough time for him to tug your shirt off and his too. They fell somewhere on the floor as he let himself looked down at you. Your legs were still thrown over his spread thighs, his erect ion only an inch away from the space between your legs. Large hands gripped at the bend of your knees yanking your body down and closer to him until you were flush against him again. He guided your hips up searching for some friction despite both of you still being dressed below the waist. His hands were at your sides letting your hips grind back on him and it was enough for him to be draping over you again to capture your lips with his.

"You're so pretty," he mumbled against your lips as he pulled away, nose and mouth brushing over the curve of your chin down your neck, "And nice."

He was moving away now, legs still widened as he crawled down your body, kissing along your collarbone, "And you smell so good."

His face was getting closer to your chest, hands now running over your bra, "And I think about you all the time."

His hands cupped the your boobs over your bra giving them a light squeeze as his lips licked over the rounded flesh, "I think about how you'll react when I touch you."

They snaked under the bra, thumbs running over your nipples causing an immediate reaction from you, "And how soft you'll feel in my hands."

"Taehyung..." you licked your lips breathlessly arching your back up to slide your hands under and unclip the material. You yanked the straps down managing to take it off with his hands still groping at your tits. With the bra out of the way he took the chance to take your nipple into his mouth, tongue swirling around the bud until it hardened while his thumb worked the other. He gave your chest special treatment with a massage and wet kisses along your skin practically covering you in drool while your hips searched for something to rut against but his body was hovering over you yet not touching.

Once he had enough of your chest he kissed down the center of your stomach, hands sliding down to your skirt but he never took it off you. Instead, his fingers grazed over to your panties, touching the hem before sliding them down, "I wonder about how you'll taste on my tongue."

"Will you let me have a taste?" He asked, skirt covering half his face watching as you gave an impatient nod. He slid the material down your legs letting them fall to the bed. You wiggled nervously feeling his stare on your definite wet core but before you could hurry him along your mouth drew open in a sudden gasp. A blob of spit landed on your cunt from his mouth and the thick liquid felt strange against your clit due to its unexpectedness. He just spit directly on your pussy...

One of his arms was holding your thigh on his shoulder while the other let his hand swipe over his spit. His middle finger touched your clit as he rubbed the spit with your dripping arousal to make it wetter and messier too. Then, once he made sure you were coated in liquid, he flattened his tongue against your opening curving it upward to collect and decent size of wetness. His tongue rolled back into his mouth and he swallowed heavily, not even thinking about your impatient fidgeting as he got the taste he was looking for.

"Mm," he hummed in appreciation, eyes shut in bliss for a moment before letting your clit fit between his index and middle fingers as he rubbed upwards, palm on your entrance applying pressure there too. Then, he pulled away, hand doing a 180 so his fingers were facing down and he leaned forward to kiss your lips, all while your clit was still stimulated between his fingers.

"I like it," he muttered against your lips, "I think I'm gonna have more."

You weren't much of a talker during foreplay but Taehyung's deep voice had your thighs wanting to shut to stop the pool of arousal. His voice was so sensual and raspy that you didn't mind the light dirty talk. Maybe you'd whisper into his ear more since you know he likes it now. Maybe you'll even do it to him at work sometimes just to see him get riled up.

He went back down between your legs, not bothering to tease anymore as he did just that. Tongue lapping up more and more speeding up his flicking while his fingers slipped over your clit thanks to the wetness of it.

Immediately your hand went to his soft dark hair again for leverage as his ministrations picked up pace, face practically digging at your heat. It was messy, nasty almost, with the slurping sounds he made. He was lost in it too, your little sounds and the way you ground into his face was enough to egg him on to take it further. He could've been like this all night if you would have let him. Your hand tugged him back by his hair. He didn't mind the sting though ready to take your mouth back on his if that's what you wanted.

You didn't say anything sitting up watching his face contort in confusion and worry. With a hand on his chest you guided him to lie down and he submitted to your actions easily, hand over yours as you applied pressure to get him down. Once he was lying down you tugged at his zipper watching the way his stomach sunk in under your touch and the black band of his briefs was slowly exposed. He didn't bother fighting it when you tugged his jeans down along with his briefs.

Taehyung released a grunt in relief as the right denim was finally off and briefs no longer confining his erecrion. He felt heavy on his navel, thick member stiff against his happy trail. Your eyes caught the way his cock twitched at the sudden exposure. You threw his clothes to the floor moving too unzip your skirt and slide it down when he stopped your hand.

"Leave it, I want it on when you're on top," he said, thumb running over your wrist bone soothingly. The corner of your mouth turned upward in a smirk as you nodded. He wants you wearing it when you're on top? Alright.

He didn't know how to react when you turned away from him, straddling his midsection facing away from him and his hands immediately raised to try and touch you. You got on your knees, pussy in his face that he finally got what you wanted to do. He couldn't stop the animalistic growl he let out as his hands gripped your thighs pulling you back into position. Once he had you over him his mouth was on your cunt again, his chin rutting against your clit as his fingers spread you open for him to eat you out.

The only thing to make his movements slow was the softest kitten lick down the length of his cock. It caught him by surprise, balls tightening at the feeling especially when you kissed the vein underneath. With one hand you picked up his member so it was pointed to the ceiling and continued to lather him in your drool letting your mouth and tongue lick around his length. His hips began to move seeking more than just the teasing, fingernails digging into your butt as you slobbered all over him.

Once his length was wet enough you moved to his tip, tongue poking at his slit where a clear drop of precum dribbled out. You licked at it, forcing spit down his head before wrapping your around it fully. Once your mouth adjusted to his girth you began to bob your head up and down, tongue licking along his slit everything you came up before coiling around him when you went down.

Whatever you did felt good to him, his hips began moving to fit more into your mouth slowly. His arms went to your back pulling you flush against him so your butt was sticking out more and right in his face. He kept you locked in around him with one arm while the other went to your hair.

You had a bad gag reflex so it took more effort to not choke and he was bigger than any guy you've ever been with. You took as much of him as possible but your hands did most of the work. When it became too much you lifted your mouth off with a pop, drool lining the way before you moved lower.

Taehyung nearly choked in your essence at the warm and wet tightness trying to suck his testicles. Your mouth licked at the soft flesh despite how full they felt and it had him shaking.

"Aish," he hissed, eyes scrunched as his head fell against your pillows, no longer eating you out like a mad man. He needed a second to enjoy this new feeling, when your tongue licked down to his perineum, the thing like down his balls. Your hand was also jerking him off in just the right way that he was extremely close. As much as he'd like to release just like this he wanted more.  No, needed more and when your actions got bolder he couldn't take it anymore. He liked that it wasn’t a fight for control. It was equal parts in trying to pleasure each other. He wasn’t trying to be the dominant one at the moment. He was just trying to take the pleasure and go along with whatever happened. It felt so much more natural that way than him trying to force you into positions or foreplay you didn’t want to do. You were just as eager to pleasure him too and he had no problem letting you do it.

"Y/n,” he licked his dry lips, “I need you on my cock, now.”

It took you a second to think about what he was asking but he was already guiding you up trying to turn you. You crawled off him feeling his arm trying to hold you by your legs as you stretched over to your nightstand. You didn’t usually buy condoms since you didn’t have a lot of hook ups but Jungkook thought it’d be funny to gift you some after making fun of your dry spell. A true friend, really.

Taehyung took it from you puckering his lips while tearing into the packaging. You leaned over him pressing your lips against his in a quick kiss as he rolled the condom on. Once it was one he was teaching for your hand leading you back over him. He held his member up as you straddled him trying to line your entrance with his tip, skirt hiding the view but draped over his hand. You pulled his lip between your teeth in a gentle nip as you tried moving back to sit over him more.

He smacked his lips disappointedly pouting a little when you pulled away from the kiss. But he hummed in pleasure as you began to lower yourself, his tip sinking into your heat slowly. His hands on your thighs letting you adjust to his size, he had to bite into his bottom lip when your walls kept him snug.

You began to slowly move up and down to speed the stretching process despite the slight discomfort. You could see the struggle he was facing at the wait and honestly you couldn’t wait either. Your hands were on his chest using him for leverage before you gained more rhythm.

Your movement began to include some grinding letting your folds get stimulated with the added movement. His hands were under your skirt groping the rounds of your ass, nails digging into the plump flesh letting his hips buck to match your pace.

“Oh fuck,” he grunted, low deep gasps escaping his lips, “… so tight.”

“Tae,” you whined letting the shortened name slip as your head fell forward, “You feel so good.”

You were breathless, putting more weight on your hands and knees so you could bounce your hips repeatedly, rotating them as best as you could to reach new angles. With the change of rhythm his arm wrapped around your lower back again, pressing you against him making you collapse over him. Your head fell by his neck feeling the tightness of his arms around your waist as he dug his heels into the mattress so he could fuck up into you. He matched your rhythm and the new angle stimulated your clit making you whine softly into his ear.

Your cute little sounds we’re making his hips stutter, “Big—you’re so big,” you moaned into his ear.

He reacted immediately, mouth drawn open trying to find your mouth to kiss but instead for your shoulder, “Gonna cum soon pretty girl?”

“Mhm,” you silently mewled, the soft sounds tickling the sweet spot in his ear to the pointer where his hand was pressing into your tailbone and before you knew it you were flipped onto your back. In this new position he reached a deeper level with your legs wrapped around him.

With a few more deep thrusts you were falling apart. Your orgasm hit you in a frenzy, hips twitching over his length feeling your ring of nerves tighten around him.

He ease his cock into you riding out your high but with the way your walls seemed to puffed around him it became too much. It took one more roll of your hips for him to release. He groaned into your ear cumming into the condom, both of you riding the wave for a moment.

After letting you relax around him again Taehyung pulled out gently. You were both covered in a thin layer of sweat but he left tender touches on your shaking thighs moving to lay down next to you. You looked at each other lovingly taking your hand in his kissing your knuckles, “Was that too much?”

You shook your head no in response before turning on your side, “Come here.”

He scooted closer lifting an arm for you to crawl under and wrapped around you holding you to his chest. Taehyung felt like he could think properly again, more clearly and not as lust filled. He stayed quiet for a moment trying to unravel all the details of what you’d told him earlier.

“We did things backwards,” he sighed, his tone was light almost teasing, “I was supposed to take you out to dinner first.”

“What about breakfast?” You asked. He made a face in thought before smiling, squeezing you a little, “Breakfast works.”

You snuggled into him some more as he held you closely. He played with the hand he still held, the one he kissed, intertwining your fingers then separating them only to do it all over again. You couldn’t help but smile at a certain thought, “I thought you were supposed to be mean and hard to approach but you weren’t ever like that with me.”

“Maybe I just liked you since the beginning,” he shrugged not bothering to confirm nor deny the rumors. He was just a private person and he felt comfortable around you enough to open it. He’d been attracted to you all along even when you tried getting him with So Hyun.

And it really was you all along. He still kept his guard up around everyone else and he doesn’t see that changing. If anything he’ll probably distance himself further from people interested him. He wants to respect you and the future of your relationship.

“Just so we’re clear too, no more trying to set me up with your friends,” he said teasingly but serious at the same time, “Because I’m yours, nobody else’s.”

“Am I yours too?” You looked up at him with rounded sparkly eyes. He kissed the tip of your nose, “And nobody else’s.”

You completely missed the ringing of your phone that was left in the living. The text from So Hyun that went unnoticed.

sohyun: I’m sorry for being mean

sohyun: I don’t want us arguing and if y’all like each other I can’t be mad

sohyun: ur my best friend and I luv u

sohyun: ps Jungkook told me u were with taehyung

sohyun: I’m jealous but also :’) happy for u

::.

a/n alright so this isn’t really angsty. I’ve been writing that too much :p

after story reflection: Tae is very much so a tsundere to ppl he’s not close with. you and so hyun are still friends but Tae doesn’t fully trust her bc he doesn’t want to see u get hurt. he is nice to her only for u tho

also we love support jk and jhope who are really just here for their friends and are observers who gas you up when ur insecure

fun fact: I also used to be a barista and honestly such a fun job

I keep writing college au’s even tho I’m a college dropout lmao

y’all the smut was kinda long and it’s funny bc I was writing it while watching the last change days episode 😭💀 like half the time I didn’t even know what I was typing I was just going with the flow

tagged: @here4btsfics @blue-creative-energy

Poly/OT7: II

Under the Same Sun - @floralseokjin

Daddy's Money - @underthe-northernlight

Whirlwind - @secret-kpoplibrary

Oasis - ^^

Unexpected - ^^

Tomorrow - ^^

Ruin You (Sequel: Ruined) - @taegularities

Knife's Edge - @readyplayerhobi

Fortuna - ^^

Three's a Crowd - ^^

Love is Blind - @cinnaminsvga

Dorm Duels - ^^

Tomorrow - @jungk0oksthighs

You Belong to Us - @minniepetals

Feelings of Doubt - ^^

Yours Alone - ^^

Strawberries & Cigarettes - ^^

When the rain gets Rough - ^^

Until the Last Star Falls - ^^

Caramel Macchiato - ^^

Honey Love - ^^

Nightlight - ^^

Heartbeat - ^^

Love Poem - ^^

As Long as You're Here - ^^

A Cup of Love - ^^

A Thousand Springs - ^^

When a Demon Loves - ^^

Guardians - ^^

Milk Honey - ^^

The Butterseries - ^^

Cry Me a River - ^^

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