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MasterPost

Parings: 

                    | OT7 | KSJ | MYG | JHS | KNJ | KTH | PJM | JJG |  

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hamster days is one of my favs, def recommend 🫡🫡

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SERIES

RED FLAGS  | 🔞Sweet as he is, dating Steven means you have to be willing to ignore a few red flags along the way. Or alternatively: You get to use that ankle restraint on Steven and sit on his beautiful face.

Hamster Days | Your cozy days and adventures with Hamster Steven!

ONE SHOTS

STEVEN GRANT

Gift of Min 🔞

Innocent 🔞

Full 🔞

I Need Some Sleep 🔞

Cherry Lips 🔞

Rainy Days 🔞

MARC SPECTOR

Mirror’s Edge  co-written @thirstworldproblemss 🔞

Fit to Burst  co-written @thirstworldproblemss 🔞

Min Redux 🔞

Say it too 🔞

Merciless 🔞

Keep me inside 🔞

Colorblind 🔞

Love Bites co-written @thirstworldproblemss 🔞

JAKE LOCKLEY

Killing Me 🔞

Miscellaneous

The Mummy Universe

Meet Doctor Steven Grant

DRABBLES

My Funny Valentines

I need some sleep 2.0 🔞

Sick as a dog

Date at the Cinema

Sleeping Beauty

Summary: After having sex with Jake, you both fall asleep in your flat. Only, it's not Jake that wakes up, it's Steven.

Warnings: Hidden relationship, reader is mentioned having sex with Jake, jealousy on Steven's part, vaginal fingering, a sprinkling of dry humping, cunnilingus, Steven cums in his pants, fem reader, one use of (Y/N)

Notes: Debuting Steven onto my blog :) this fix was heavily inspired by @blue-beeeeeeery 's post

Wc: 1.9k

You’d been dating Jake for a while, having met him as your cab driver after a night out with your friends. In the time you’d been together, he’d opened up to you about his DID, and his alters; Marc and Steven. You hadn’t met them yet, and it seemed to be a little bit of a touchy subject for him, so you didn’t push it. Besides, you adored Jake, even if there were two other men living in his head, you were sure you could come to love them, too. 

Despite not pushing it, you had asked why it was Jake wouldn’t introduce you to his alters, and he had told you that they were both… skittish, in a way. That you would meet them, that he wanted you to, but he worried to spring it on too soon. And who could blame him? Hearing that your alter had a partner you didn’t know about would understandably be perplexing at the very least. Though, it made you smile- Jake may have acted like a big, scary, cigarette smoking tough guy, but he really cared, especially about Steven. You’d gathered he was the “innocent little brother” of the group, the one to be looked after. He seemed so sweet, even when Jake would complain about him. And you knew one day you’d see him for yourself. Jake was naturally protective, over you and over his alters. It warmed your heart to know he was waiting for them to be ready to hear that they technically had a girlfriend they didn’t know about.

Besides, the reason he hadn’t told them when you had first met, is because they didn’t know he existed apparently. You had called him shy, and he had grumbled that he wasn’t, he was just fulfilling his role in the system. The protector, doing the dirty work for Khonshu when Marc couldn’t, and then slipping back into the shadows when it was done. It sounded lonely, you told him. It was, he replied, until he met you. Jake could be so romantic when he wanted to.

And so here you were, laying cuddled up to who you thought was Jake, the darkness outside told you it was still the early hours of the morning. You were only half awake anyway- fucking Jake always took something out of you. It was exhausting, in the best way.

You decided to stay like this, for a while. Jake normally woke up hours before you, kissing you goodbye and sending you a text later that hoped you “Had a good sleep, hermosa,” and so you relished the little extra time you had with him. It felt a little demeaning, for him at least, having to sneak in and out like he was a teenager, but you pushed through it, for Jake and his alters. Your eyes blinked back closed, willing yourself to not sleep too deeply, so that you might give him a proper goodbye when he left your flat.

The air was quiet, still. Peaceful. The only sounds were yours and his breathing. The warmth of him behind you, his arm curled just under your breasts lulled you to sleep once again. And meanwhile, as you fell back into sleep, someone else was rising from it. Though, it wasn’t Jake.  

Steven blearily opened his eyes, and groaned. Despite having just woken up, his body felt tired… but in a good way. And he was spooning something soft..  and warm. His vision cleared- and he nearly jumped back in shock. There was a woman…. in his bed, but it wasn’t his bed, and this wasn’t his flat. He whimpered in shock as she moved against him, moaning as you stretched your arms above your head.

“You up already, papí?”

Papí… definitely Jake. Steven gulped. He knew his other alters were more experienced with women than he was, but this was just silly. His eyes raked over you, your form cuddled beneath the blankets, your hair sprawled about the pillow like a halo. Gosh.. you were pretty. He found himself thinking that Jake had good taste. He shook his head free of the thought- he needed to leave as fast as he could. As much as Jake cared about his alters, so did Steven. And thought he’d been wishing for a girlfriend for forever, but he wouldn’t go as far as to turn off one of Jake’s “scores” with his awkwardness. Steven had no idea how adorable he was. 

When he didn’t answer, you turned over, squinting at him, blinking the sleep from your eyes; “Jake?”

Steven froze. God, you were gorgeous. Ohhhh it wasn’t fair. Why did Jake have to be the best with women…. 

“Jake? Are you alright?” Your hands came to cup his face, as you examined him for any sign of sickness, or anything else that might make him freeze so suddenly. 

“ ‘M fine-!” Steven’s voice broke a little as he choked out a reply. Oh, good one Steven. You were wise to his sudden change in accent, sounding more like he was from London now. Your hands quickly retracted, and you gasped.

“…Not Jake?” “No-“ Steven gulped, you shifted away from him, Steven was sure it was to make him more comfortable, but he found himself internally begging you to shift closer.  “Steven..?” You breathed out; “…Y-yeah, uh.. who’re you? W-where am I?” 

You sighed, knowing that this conversation was going to happen one way or another. You put your hands up in a show of mercy; “My name is (Y/N)… this is my flat.. I’m uh… I’m Jake’s girlfriend.”

Steven’s eyes widened. “Oh.” “Yeah..” “….Well why didn’t I know he had a bloody girlfriend.”You giggled. At least he wasn't freaking out too much. "He didn't want to shock you, I.. I've known him since before he started to show himself to you and Marc." Steven nodded along. "Well I have to say, waking up in a strange woman's bed is pretty shocking..." You giggled again. "-Yes, sorry, he usually wakes up hours before me to go back to your place." "Oh right.." Steven sniffed.

"Um.. d-did you, uh... I mean, have you.." He motioned to your neck- Jake liked to leave hickeys. You caressed the marks, only just now realising they were there.

"Oh- um, do you mean..?" "Uh.. yeah- sorry it's just.. we share a body, y'know.." "No no I get it-! Um, yes, yes we did." He was, of course, not so subtly asking if you and Jake had had sex last night.

"Oh, right- I mean, it's fine! Obviously, you're like, together, and that's like, normal- sorry I'm making this so weird." The smile you gave him was sympathetic. "No, it's alright," you had told him, but your words had fallen into a buzz around him. Steven was deep in his thoughts- sure, it was Jake you'd had sex with, but they shared a body. What had he done with you? You'd had sex, but how? What did you like? As his mind spiralled, he felt his cock twitch a little beneath his boxers. Only a few hours ago, probably, his body had been inside you. His hands had probably made you cum a dozen times- Steven knew that's at least what he'd want to do with you...

"-Steven?" His thoughts cleared, "God, sorry love, head's all over the place today.." You hummed.

"You're really pretty." Steven's comment made the both of you blush, and you could've said the same of him. You hadn't noticed until now that you had subconsciously been shuffling closer to one another in the bed. Your noses were close to touching now, and you decided to take the plunge.

Steven whimpered as your lips met his, and while he was eager, it was strange that he be so inexperienced, considering, again, that he shared a body with Jake. His hands were greedy, but anxious. The trembling in his fingers gave presence to his mounting desire to touch you, and gently you guided his hands to your hips. That was all the encouragement he needed, his grip became suddenly a lot more confident, clutching your hips tightly before travelling down to squeeze your bum. He moaned with you, grinding your hips into the hot pressure of his cock against your tummy, his touch against you hungry, like an excitable dog.

You whined at the sudden loss of his mouth, biting your lip as he kissed his way down your neck.

"Bloody Jake, 's not fair, he always gets the girls, 's not fair, I'll show him-" Your thoughts were getting a little hazy, and the throbbing in your core became more and more apparent.

"Steven.." You breathed, if nothing else, he was eager to prove himself, fingers deftly ripping your panties down off of you.

"I can do it just as well as he can, you watch-" Steven didn't waste any time licking his way up to your clit, and sucking on it like a man starved. You cried out, hands falling to grip his soft curls. He was moaning and whimpering into you, just as you were above him. The seam of his boxers caught so deliciously on the head of his cock, and he all but cried into your cunt and he rocked his hips against the mattress.

Your hand came up to cover your moans, but Steven was having none of it, he halted his assault on your pussy, switching his tongue out for his fingers, deftly sliding inside of you, as you keened.

"No, no, none of that love, wanna hear ya, yeah?" Tears welled up in your eyes, and your toes curled as his fingers finally, finally found the spot. You writhed in pleasure, tugging harder on his hair. His mouth came back to suckle your clit, pistoning his fingers inside you with all the expertise that you would not have expected from him.

This hot mess contiuned for a while, until you were throwing your head back, pleasure soaring through your every nerve as you came all over Steven’s face, and he gladly drank your essence straight from the source. He didn't stop, though, he just kept going, the wet pad of his tongue doing wonders at overstimulating you- and from his canting hips and repeated whimpers, you could tell he was close too. It became too much however, and roughly you tugged his head up off of you, seemingly giving him the boost of masochistic pleasure he needed to tip himself over the edge, spilling himself into his boxers, moaning and drooling where he lay his head on your thigh.

You stayed like that for a moment, marvelling at Steven's beauty. He had his juices all over his face, messy boy. And had some of it gotten in his hair? He was a needy baby, too. He soon decided that he just wasn't close enough to you, and crawled up your body to snuggle himself between your breasts, sighing. His voice was muffled a little; "Was it good?" And you almost audibly "awed" at how cute he was being. Your arms wrapped around his shoulders, and you kissed his head;

"It was amazing Steven." He hummed, still a little jealous it seemed, "Bet Jake doesn't do that." You swatted his head lightly. "Don't be mean." "Just teasing love.."

It was still dark outside. Pussy-eating was a tiring activity, it seemed, as you felt Steven cuddle his way back to sleep in your arms. You kissed his head again, unconsciousness soon taking you as well. Steven was more resilient to new information than Jake thought, it seemed.

The Coffee Incident part 1- Marc

----------- No coffee in the morning leads to a mystery for Marc, an apology from Jake, and guilt from Steven. (~1,100 words)

content: domestic fluff, suggestive language

part 2 here- Jake part 3 here- Steven

------------------------

Marc Spector is totally normal. Or is he being passive aggressive? Or is he just too sweet and insecure to speak up?

By the third morning, you’d gotten tired of guessing.

He always rose with the sunrise to workout, made coffee to take with him, and made extra, putting it into your colorful, insulated coffee mug. He set it on the same spot on the counter, smiley face logo toward the bed, every morning for the past month since you'd moved in with the boys.

The last three mornings, Marc hadn't left a thermos of coffee for you. Any other boyfriend, something like that wouldn't be a big deal. But Marc is an actions guy, not a words guy.

Marc passing up an opportunity to show you he loved you was suspicious.

Hence why you'd set your alarm extra-early. Like, still-fucking-dark early. Like, you would never get up for anyone this early. Except you love Marc so much.

He was the most puzzle-y of all three of your boyfriends. On the surface, it looked like Steven had the most feelings. It had turned out that he was just better at showing them.

Marc Spector's waters ran deliciously deep. Sometimes, you just stared into his beautiful, unyielding brown eyes until he looked at you like you'd lost your damn mind and had to remind you to blink. Or he found other, more fun ways to snap you back into reality.

Marc opens one eye when you get out of bed. He runs his hand around your body, forcing you to reluctantly wiggle away.

"Bathroom," you whisper and slip out the front door.

The coffee shop down the street opens extra early and you walk in just after they'd unlocked the door.

You order two of the very largest coffees they have. Trying not to spill, you walk home and try to open the front door again as silently as possible.

The lights are on already. Marc is at the counter, curly hair neatly in place, dressed in a workout shirt and shorts. You stare at his ass. Just perfect.

"It should be illegal for you to wear those,” you say.

He turns and you see the coffee machine is on. You frown and hold up the two huge coffees you'd bought. He looks confused, but walks over and kisses your forehead.

“Morning, baby. You woke me up. So I figured I'd get a jump on it. Why did you buy these?” He takes one of the coffees and takes a sip.

You’ll never understand his ability to consume boiling hot liquid and not so much as flinch. The weirder thing was that Steven and Jake couldn’t do it. You knew, you’d made them try. And the ways in which they’d gotten their revenge had been swift and very satisfying.

“I bought them as a peace offering,” you say.

“For what?” He drinks again. “Not as good as mine,” he mutters and sets them aside.

“I don’t know for what. I was hoping you’d tell me.”

He runs a hand over his face, looking equal parts confounded and determined. The coffee machine sputters on the counter as it finishes brewing.

“Come here.” He pulls you over to the edge of the bed and sits down with you, pulling your legs over his lap and scooting you closer. “What’s up? Did I do something wrong?”

You keep waiting for the day when that’s not his first assumption. It breaks your heart a little every time. He looks at you so sincerely that you just want to kiss the look right off his face.

You lay your hand on his cheek. “No, Marc, I thought I did something wrong.”

He brushes his hands over your legs comfortingly. “I’m not good at this stuff. You know you have to be straight with me, sweetheart.”

“It’s going to sound really petty,” you say.

“I live for petty.” Marc gives you a patient smile and a look that leaves no room for argument.

You take a deep breath. “You haven’t left me coffee for the past few days so I thought you were mad at me.”

He looks confused. “What? Of course I have. I wouldn’t leave you high and dry like that. If you don’t get coffee you’re-“ he clears his throat, “well, let’s just say that it’s something we have in common.”

You push his shoulder. “I’m sunshine on a platter in the morning, Spector.”

“Sure you are, baby. If I left Steven with you in the morning, neither of you would wake up until noon.” He nips at your mouth and runs his outside hand up to your hip, kneading it in a very distracting way. “Why would you ever think I could be upset with you?”

You half-shrug.

“And more importantly,” he says, his hands stilling. He looks into the nearest mirror. “Where did your damn coffee go?”

His eyes are steely as he stares unwaveringly into his reflection. It’s a look that could mean he’s just listening or could mean he’s about to break skulls. Hard to tell with Marc.

Eventually, he rolls his eyes and looks back at you. “Jake owes us a week of donuts to go with our coffee.”

“Huh?”

“He’s been stealing your coffee. It only takes a minute in the morning so I don’t even know he’s fronting. He says that he needed it because I work out too hard and he didn’t want to fall asleep when he was driving later in the day.”

You give Marc a look meant for Jake. “What an asshole.”

Marc laughs, still smiling. He kisses you. He’s softer now that he has his answers and is sure all is right with you again. “I agree. He agrees too. He’ll apologize later.”

You hug him. “I’m sorry I didn’t say something sooner.”

Marc hugs you back, not hard enough to hurt, but squeezing you tighter and closer, in a way that is so specifically him. “Don’t like that you thought I was upset with you.” He holds your face to look at you, brushing your hair from your face.

You smooth out the wrinkle between his eyebrows. “You’d tell me if you were though, right?”

“Honestly? No.” He grins at you.

You pull his earlobe.

He laughs, planting a fast, hard kiss on your mouth. “I gotta say that was the easiest mystery I ever had to solve.”

“Yeah, because the call was coming from inside the house.”

“So to speak, yeah,” he kisses you again, slower this time. He sucks your bottom lip into his mouth, gently biting on it. It always feels like Marc is consuming you, like he has to consume you, and like you have to let him.

“I know we didn’t really have a fight, but can we still have makeup sex?” He asks

You look at him, a look of surprise on your face. “You’re skipping arm day at the gym?”

He lifts you up into his lap, straddling your legs around him. “No. Just doing it here instead.” The Coffee Incident part 2 (Jake) The Coffee Incident part 3 (Steven)

Ungodly Hour

That time you - a broke college student - were willing to do just about anything for a hulu account after your brother kicks you off of his - (and Jungkook would do anything to have you).

Word count: 1.687

Warning: idk yall, i was bored, smut, college au, jungkook is thirsty, reader is somewhat slutty but with good reasons, dirty talking, swallowing, oral (m receiving), unprotected sex, riding, cumming,

Your mouth wrapped around the tip of Jungkook’s cock, twirling the head in your mouth. You only slightly (maybe more than you want to admit) the way the salty pre-cum drips into your mouth as you suck. Even better were his moans - so soft and velvety; melodic. 

if anyone was to blame it had to be your brother - he was the nuisance in your life. It was as if he intended on making your life a complete mess.

You were a good person, daughter and sister. You did what you had to do - attend classes everyday. You went to work and then home without a care. You worked at a grocery store part time and made enough to pay your half of the rent. Sure, with the price of groceries now you couldn’t be bothered to buy any. But that’s where your parents came in. You craved independence from them but only for privacy. You made sure you were there every night for dinner and sometimes if you had time, breakfast in the mornings. 

Your brother was just upset that you accidentally bought an add-on on his hulu account - but how else were you supposed to watch what you wanted if he was too cheap to pay for anything further? It was bad enough you had to sit through 2 minute ads - it was the least he could do.

This is how you now found yourself sucking Jungkook off - the same man you had been dodging ever since the pair of you met. He gave off fuck boy vibes and the last thing you needed was that in your life - until you actually did need Jungkook. The irony.

Jungkook watches with hooded eyes at the beautiful sight of you. You had now grasped the length of his cock and began to pump him, focusing more on the tip of his head. He was glad the two of you were alone - seeing as you didn’t even have the decency to take him to your room and insisted on doing this on the couch. But Jungkook wasn’t a picky person - he prayed for times such as this. You were the play hard to get type and one thing he enjoyed was the chase. 

Jungkook places a hand on the back of your head and thrusts lighty into your mouth, groaning as he does so. You allowed it. You laid your tongue flat, eyes flickering up to watch his expression. Satisfaction bubbled deep inside of you at the sight of his lust-filled expression. Dark hooded eyes, gasping lips.

“I waited, fuck…so long for this.” Jungkook groans, pumping inside of your mouth a little faster. His thumb caresses your cheek. “I told you that I’d have you one day, didn’t I?” he says smugly. 

You groan a response, throat vibrating against his cock. That bastard, you thought. Jungkook did - he told you that one day your “play hard to get” act would crumble and when it did, he’d be there. But this couldn’t count - right? You were doing this for the greater good, after all. You had shows to watch and Jungkook just so happened to be the one that had a premium account.

You feel the tip of Jungkook’s cock tickling the back of your throat, testing to see how far you’d let him go. There’s a trail of saliva dripping from the corner of your lips and it drips slowly down your chin. Your mouth was heavy - wet and warm and inviting. You were determined to make him cum and he was determined to do just that. 

Jungkook’s hand grips your hair - you moan at the sensation. He pumps just a little faster, your slurps and gagging hitting his ears and he moans at just how filthy you were for him. 

“I’m about to cum.” Jungkook groans. His free hand wipes away a lone tear that releases from your eye. “You okay?” he asks, slowing his thrusts.

Your response was to bring him deeper into your mouth, blinking up at him. You slap his thigh harshly and that was all the permission he needed to fuck your throat. He shudders, feeling his toes curl. It didn’t help that your teary eyes watched his every move - and Jungkook couldn’t take his eyes off of you. Even now while he took control, you remain just as stubborn; challenging him. “F-Fuck…” Jungkook grunts. “W-Where do I cum?”

Jungkook wants to slap himself, forgetting that you can’t exactly respond to him. But he’s unsure if cumming inside of your mouth would be too intimate - but then again, you could always spit it out and he would be fine with that. 

You gag, feeling your throat swell with the warm, salty substance. You inhale through your nose and moan. “L-Let me find-” Jungkook watches as you swallow and lick your lips - he feels his cheeks redden and his heart thump.

You wipe your eyes of the pathetic tears and hum. “Don’t get big headed.” you hiss.

Jungkook smirks and bats his eyelashes. “Never.” he says. “I already made you a profile on my hulu account.”

You watch as Jungkook takes out his phone to show you the account and like state, he did make you your own profile. You snort at the name - stargirl. “I’ll text you the information to get into it.”

You place your hands onto his thighs. Your eyes lower to his cock - it wasn’t completely erect, but it wasn’t softening, either. 

“I was told I would get peacock and hbo max.” you say to him. You didn’t want to tell him that you were wet and wanted to ride him, his head was already big enough. 

“I have hbo max as an add on with hulu.” Jungkook responds, eyes darkening at the thought of feeling you. 

“Hm. That’s too bad.” you tilt your head. “I wanted to ride you.”

“I can add disney.” Jungkook responds far too quickly, mentally cursing at how desperate he appeared.

Smirking, you nod your head. “Deal.”

Jungkook’s eyes are wide when you lift from your knees and kick off your shorts, panties flying with them. He’s erect once more at the sight of your slick trailing down your thighs. Your thighs trap him beneath you as you center yourself on him. “I’m not on any birth control.”

Jungkook gulps. His hands place themselves firmly on your hips. “I can pull out.” he nods. “Unless you want another streaming service as payment for me cumming inside of you.” he jokes - unless…

Jungkook smirks at you and you could only glare. You sit down on him completely and wipe the smirk from his lips. Your hands grip his shoulders as you begin to pound on him. It doesn’t take time for the entire sitting room is filled with your moans mixed with Jungkooks as well as skin slapping.

“You look like you’re enjoying yourself.” Jungkook murmurs, inching closer to capture your lips with his own. You never said anything against kissing is his defense.

You deepen the kiss, grinding against him. “Says the man who hasn’t stopped moaning since we started.”

Jungkook chuckles and does just that. His hands trail from your hips, to your thighs and upwards towards your breast. He grips both of your clothed breasts into his palms. “Pussy feels so good, I can’t help myself.”

You swallow your own moan back. You can’t let him know his words turn you on - he would never let you live it down. It’s bad enough you were fucking him for streaming services.

You shifted yourself, your feet firmly against the couch. You looked into his eyes as you began to bounce on him once more, satisfied that the man below you was a moaning mess - and broke eye contact first. His eyes begin to roll at the new found pleasure.

You decided that you wouldn’t hide your own pleasure anymore. Jungkook was big and this position only meant that his cock was hitting the right spot each time. 

“I know it feels good, baby.” Jungkook’s voice brings you back to reality - and so does his thumb upon your clit. His thumb rubs hastily on it, enjoying the way your pussy tightens around his cock.

“It does.” Maybe you were growing weak - but only because it did feel good. That, and the way Jungkook’s voice grows deeper and more sultry as he speaks is an added turn on. 

“What happened to the playing hard to get girl I know?” Jungkook’s now thrusting upwards inside of you to meet you halfway.

You clench around him. “Fuck you.” you murmur.

“I intend to.” Jungkook manages to laugh, his thumb leaving your clit to hook beneath your thighs. He continues where you left off, stamina unmatched. He pounds into you with such need - as if this was what he had been waiting for for who knows how long.

Your arms wrap around his neck and allow him the control - just this once. Jungkook’s reveling in your submission, murmuring dirty words in your ears as he fucks you. You were so wet - slick gripping out of you and onto his thighs - that he knew neither of you would last long.

You bite your lip when you feel Jungkook’s hands on your ass. He squeezes it with such need, moaning beautifully in your ears as his thrusts turn sloppy. “Where do I cum?” he asks suddenly.

“Anywhere.” was your response.

Jungkook took your lack of direction as a sign. His fingers lean down from your ass to find your clit once more. He toys with it as he thrusts, hellbent on making sure you cum right along with him. He wasn’t going to last - not with the way you were squeezing his cock right now.

“S-Shit!” you hiss, feeling yourself come undone right as Jungkook pulls out of you, cum leaking on your ass.

Jungkook leans against the couch and pants. There was no way he was going to leave you alone after this - but that’s okay because he knows you’ll close up once more and play that game you’ve been playing. Jungkook loved the chase and deep down, so do you.

Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Titled: "I refused to eat because it was eating me" - A Essay

I can't quite place where it started, my memories are hazy and I'm happy they are. I once read somewhere that trauma can cause someone's brain to protect them from the memories that caused it, thus forcefully blocking them out. But if I can recall it all started at the supposed "advice" I was given. "You'd be so much prettier if you lost weight", "you would be so pretty slim" and so on. Maybe it was good-natured advice or maybe it was just malice wrapped in niceties. I don't know... I cannot discern things at all when I should. I never really thought I was unattractive but it got to me. So I started restricting myself from daily sustenance, I'd miss a meal and then another and then another and then another.

"food wasn't a necessity,

it was a reward

it was something forbidden

only good people deserved it...

I was bad so I didn't"

I would only eat when someone said something nice to me, when I did something right, when I felt a slight moment of peace in my wretched existence. I was losing weight rapidly and feeling like absolute filth while I was getting compliments about my appearance and encouragement to lose more weight. I was feeling my ribs with the palm of my hand and eating three (3) meals a week, five (5) if it was a nice week. My hair was brittle and falling out in small chunks. It was only noticeable to me of course, such irony! I was getting sick weekly and couldn't stomach a normal plate of food because I heaved it out as soon as I felt it in my stomach. It felt like my insides were burning. It was a physical affliction of what I was feeling, my world was burning around me and I couldn't even be spared a drop of water. I felt immense misery the day I found out what an eating disorder was.That day I was rereading a book I was gifted by a teacher in primary school about a girl who was just like me... It was unnerving staring at a reflection of myself in one of the pages of a book I'd read more than four (4) times. Seeing her rot like how I was rotting. How we were digging our own graves, how we wanted to leave the world but were doing it slowly and painfully.

Decaying as leaves do when they fall from trees.

To this day I can't fathom how I fell down into that place, maybe I can but I'd rather not acknowledge it right now. I will shower myself with love and kindness that I want to find in people, I want to be one of those people I am finding. I will fully find myself again, I have to. I will never starve and restrict myself from nourishment of the body and soul. I will never treat myself so carelessly again. I think I know why I refused to eat. I refused to eat because it was eating me. The shame, the regrets, the sadness, the hate, and the thirst for acceptance and love was eating me. I'm glad I wasn't devoured by it all, what a miserable way to be consumed. What a miserable way to go... I'm glad I made it out. I'm glad I forced myself to stop.