Shout Out Sunday - Week 2:

Shout Out Sunday - Week 2:

I had a hard time deciding which imaginary boyfriend to indulge myself in this weekend. Poe? Bucky? Steve Rogers? In the end I figured screw it and dove into the GIGANTIC library that is @propertyofpoeandbucky‘s masterlists!

First, let me say I’m bias here (though I am for everyone that has been/will be featured here cuz they’re all amazing). @propertyofpoeandbucky never fails to perk up a bad day for me. First of all, the freaking tagline on her account: you cannot escape de poe always leaves me in stitches and with Oscar Issac’s voice in my head - what a freaking way to start! Second she is basically the queen of AUs, as such she manages to cover most of my favorite tropes with my favorite boys. 

I can’t even begin to name a favorite because I’ll feel as though I’ll be betraying her other work, but for those curious I’m going to have say for Poe:  

Dare you not to grin AU: Pour Some Sugar On Me

Holy sexy hell AU: Fashion Baby

Heartstrings tug AU: Bring Her Back*

*Note that I’ve begged for a follow up on this one and it hasn’t happened, but the begging shall continue!

For Bucky:

Dare you not to love this one: The Princess Project (Mini-Series)

All the angst: Match Made in Heaven

*happy sigh*: Will You?

For Steve:

All the fluff AU: You and Me Together (Mini-Series)

She also has a ton of other characters and fandoms she writes for, kinda a one stop shop here and I adore her for it <3

Excuses, Excuses

I do not want to be one of those people who come onto tumblr over and over again with some excuse as to why I’m not around. I know I’ve never shared my imagines/fics on here so there isn’t much reason to come visit my profile anyway - but I’m sort of considering this my ‘proof of life’/rant-box since I don’t have another platform for it. 

To all of the amazing authors I follow, I want to say thank you. I don’t get much tumblr time but when I do I try to squeeze in a quick fic or two. 

Life has been one giant clusterfuck lately, not so much for me but my grandmother with whom I’m roommates with. Blah-blah-long story that doesn’t sound true anyway - Nana took me in when I was 11 and raised me. We’ve always had a special bond, I was named after her even. The last six years feel like they’ve been blow after blow and most recently she’s begun to display cognitive issues. Her parents both died young and her brother drank himself to death so we’re in total uncharted territory when it comes to health conditions. 

In August/Sept I took six weeks off from work to ‘recharge’ - I’d hoped I’d be able to read to my heart’s content and relax but it was really anything but. For a while I was afraid I was slipping into a depressive episode because of it all. I’ve battled anxiety/panic disorders since I was 16 and since then found that I ‘fit the bill’ for a few other psychiatric conditions. I’ve also come to live my life - it’s hard to explain. I see my role in life is to be the guard, to take the beating (verbal not physical) one family member lashes out with to save another. Even during my worse bout of depression I’d get up and go to work because that’s what I’m here for - to make money to afford the house payments to continue to live in the place that has become our home. I liken it to that of a toy soldier or just someone stupid enough to be the punching bag and just put up with it. 

I won’t bore anyone with the details but I had a very mentally/emotionally abusive childhood which seems to have fostered what I’ve become. I need to be in constant control, I need to have a plan in place in case I need it, I need to be there for everyone else… Again this isn't meant to be a woe is me, more just a rant. With all of the stress I’ve been having this last year or so I’ve fallen away from my friends, of which I have three. I met them all online and since I’ve met two of them in person too. I don’t date. I ‘dated’ two coworkers at different times throughout the years only to be left with a gigantic pile of emotional/mental abuse at the end that I just put up with because of multiple reasons; my station in life to take a beating, my fear that I’ll never find anyone else. It’s ironic that I didn't get self esteem / self worth issues until I was in my twenties. Totally skipped that phase in school. I won't bother writing out everything that I find wrong, it would be a futile effort; but if life has shown me anything it’s how to be alone. To stand back, wish and pine but to know that there’s a chance I’ll never have any of that. Physically I'm probably on-par or worse that Steve Rogers pre-serum - of course not that I'm skinny, heck I'm not even able to be considered ‘thick but fit’. I digress. It's not just the physical, it’s the mental illnesses, the eating disorder, a fucking laundry list of physical issues…

I found an interview Dustin Hoffman gave regarding his movie Tootsie that never fails to put me in tears because I can identify so strongly as one of those ‘interesting women’:

It was at that moment I had an epiphany, and I went home and started crying. Talking to my wife, I said I have to make this picture, and she said, "Why?" And I said, "Because I think I am an interesting woman when I look at myself on screen. And I know that if I met myself at a party, I would never talk to that character because she doesn't fulfill physically the demands that we're brought up to think women have to have in order to ask them out." She says, "What are you saying?" And I said, "There's too many interesting women I have…not had the experience to know in this life because I have been brainwashed." https://youtu.be/yuaiR89iofE  

But through it all, Nana has been my closest friend and confidant. So when she makes up someone who isn’t there, or thinks the house we live in isn't ours - it’s made me lose the one person in the universe who could be *that* person. The person you confide in, you rant to, you cry on - the person that holds you up when you need it. And I need to be there for her because she was always there for me. Because I am the Sin Eater. This is what my purpose is in life, to cast all things aside because someone else needs something.

My weekly routine generally consists of early mornings, horrible traffic, a job that can be chaos and draining, more traffic and home. I want to hide out because I’m so exhausted from my day, but I can’t neglect Nana who usually has had no human contact for most of the day. How do I sit and read? Sit and write? More and more often my weekends are spent trapped in bed because I push too hard all week and my body can’t take it. And trust me folks, reading tumblr in bed can be dangerous. I’ve dropped my cellphone on my own face so many times.

So that’s it. That’s my rant. My ‘excuse’ for being in and out, for chatting along and then vanishing. I look back at my life, when I stayed in regular touch with my best friends, when I had inspiration to sit and write or pick up a book and current!me wonders how past!me did it all. You’d think that now, with very little contact with my friends, with an AWOL muse and a desire to sleep over read how in the hell did I use to fit it all in?

I’m hoping to figure it out one day. Not sure when that will be, I’m turning 32 next week and there’s an endless sea before me of just continuing to be this ghost in a shell. But when the stars align and I’m able to sneak in bits and pieces of fic or art it means so much to me. To be drawn into a universe far, far away or imagine that someone like Steve Rogers or Bucky Barnes would ever even notice my existence…but sometimes even that’s hard considering I’m just an ‘interesting woman’.

True reenactment of me/my life today

I finally get a quiet moment to check out my tumblr and find THIS? How lucky am I!! Seriously though @i-said-goddameron I owe you a total debt of gratitude, you’re so lovely and you keep my Poe addiction well fed and I love the hell out of you for it. I also think you should copy write Hoes for Poe or there needs to be a collection on AO3 or something because that’s bloody brilliant 

🚀 Love & Shout-Outs! 🚀

To my writer friends, and fellow Hoes for Poe, in no particular order at all. Thank you all for creating content that:

Makes us laugh out loud

Stops hearts in suspense

Produces a tear or two

Gives that warm and fuzzy feeling

Requires a cold shower after reading

You spend your free time creating works for us to enjoy. I know how much energy and love is poured into it firsthand and I see you. I appreciate you. 🖤

(By no means is this list exhaustive! If I left anyone out, I’m not trying to snub. I just read a lot of fanfic.)

@kyber-hearts-and-stardust-souls @phoenixsolo @rinskiroo @rebel-scum-stuff @propertyofpoeandbucky @tlittlet @vanillabeanlattes @imaginecrushes @detroitbydark @warqueenfuriosa @xwings-and-stardust @whimsicalworldofme @red-5 @shenanigans-and-imagines @stardustsoldierrook @kboogie09 @disnerdmermaid @cobalt-one @who-talks-first @painkiller80 @bae-b-8-imagines @padfootagain @thevalesofanduin

This is not only amazing but a reminder.

welcome to the age of female superheroes

I feel this way about Earth.

#mood