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Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body

When you’re growing up in abusive family, you don’t feel like “oh, I’m being abused, this is wrong.” You don’t even think about that. Instead, you feel guilty all the time. You feel like a horrible person. You feel useless and wrong, like something is fundamentally wrong with you, and you deserve every bit of harm coming your way.

For every time your parents hurt you, you feel it was justified and you deserved and provoked it. You keep feeling horrible and guilty about everything you’ve done to cause it. Even when something extreme happens, you dismiss it with “they didn’t mean that” or “it was just once, in anger, so it doesn’t count.”

You feel like a burden, because you know these people don’t want you in their house, and you don’t feel capable of being independent, and it’s on you that you keep bothering them with your existence, and don’t seem to be capable of getting out of there. You don’t feel like you deserve food, shelter, clothes, or anything. You feel like a burden no matter what you do. You don’t feel welcome anywhere, you don’t feel like you have a home, like there’s a place on this planet where you could be loved and cared for. You doubt yourself so badly, you struggle to see any value in your existence and it becomes hard. You break down and feel weak and lost and like everyone else is leaving you behind. You don’t feel like a part of anything. You feel guilty for existing the way you are.

If you felt this, you’ve been thru abuse. There is no one on this world who is useless, unworthy of love, or deserves to feel so guilty and to be hurt all the time. These ideas didn’t come from you, but from how horribly you were treated. Feeling this way is not normal. You did not deserve to feel this way.

Heather Havrilesky, How to Be a Person in the World

Things to Do If You Feel Hopeless

Hopelessness can often be a sign of depression or simply unhealthy thinking. Here are a few things to do if you feel this way.

1. Recognize situations are not black and white. The world is not wholly good nor wholly evil. Doing a bad thing does not make you entirely nonredeemable. A bad thing happening to you does not mean you did something to deserve it. A bad thing happening in the world does not mean the world is bad overall.

2. Work on your self-care, especially if you have a history of depression or other mental illnesses. Try things like affirmations, journaling, writing your upsetting feelings on cards and tearing them up, and communicating with someone close about how you are feeling.

3. Stay healthy. Keep yourself hydrated. Make sure you eat. Your body needs fuel to keep you happy!

4. Help others! We often feel better when we do something to help others. Donate to a cause, join an activism group, make masks for front-line workers, knit hats for patients undergoing chemotherapy, sew clothes for premature babies, donate blood or plasma, volunteer at an animal shelter or a food bank. There are so many ways you can contribute to the good in this world!

5. Be a part of something bigger. Join clubs and groups about causes you are passionate about, even if they are online right now. Talking to others and establishing connections with other people is important for us as humans; we are naturally social beings. 

6. Put the situation into perspective. This ties in with #1. Doing research into something that is getting you down can actually reveal that much is being done about it. We research new vaccines every day; new legislation is passed all the time to protect our fellow people. Chances are, if something wrong is happening, there are already people out there mobilizing to correct it. The situation is never hopeless, and you never stand alone.

“It takes courage to grieve, to honor the pain we carry. We can grieve in tears or in meditative silence, in prayer or in song. In touching the pain of recent and long-held griefs, we come face to face with our genuine human vulnerability, with helplessness and hopelessness. These are the storm clouds of the heart.”

— Jack Kornfield, A meditation on grief 

“This work is not for nothing. The nights you keep pushing forward, even when you feel exhausted and overworked. The days you continue to show up and try, even when it’s uncomfortable and would be easy to quit. All the opportunities you have to postpone and all things you have to sacrifice in order to move toward what’s important to you. It has a purpose. Some things take time to build. And you’re building. You’re building and planting the seeds, and you’re growing. Even when you feel stuck. Even when the progression feels drawn out. You’re getting there, slowly, each and every day. It’s heavy, and the work is hard, but it’s not for nothing. You’ll get to where you want to be and you’ll become the person you want to become. Or maybe, you’ll blossom into a version of yourself you didn’t even know you wanted or didn’t know was possible. You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t have to think about everything you need to do to get to the finish line. You just have to focus on the most immediate thing in front of you and do what you need to survive today. This work will pay off. And if it doesn’t - if you end up somewhere else entirely — know that the growth it took to get to wherever you land is valuable in it’s own right. So keep building. Keep taking it one day at a time. Breathe. Things won’t be this hard forever. There’s a point beyond this pain, and you’ll get there.”

— Daniell Koepke

So I'm sorry everybody I just think I need a home

And for a little while that home is alone

the overwhelming desire to just exist without having to prove one’s worth in the false world of commodity and personality production

« I learned recently that humans glow faintly, even during the day. All living creatures do, apparently. In recent years, scientists have been trying to discern if and, if so, why our bodies emit a varying visible light. In a study published in 2009, five healthy, bare-chested young Japanese men were placed in dark rooms sealed to keep light out, for twenty-minute intervals every three hours for three days. They were only allowed to sleep from midnight to 7am. A highly sensitive imaging system found that all of the men glowed, most strongly from the face, at levels that dropped and climbed during the day. Yes, it’s a small sample size, and the study does not seem to have been repeated, but it’s a delicious thought. The authors of the study, Masaki Kobayashi, Daisuke Kikuchi and Hitoshi Okamura, concluded that we all ‘directly and rhythmically’ emit light: ‘The human body literally glimmers. The intensity of the light emitted by the body is 1000 times lower than the sensitivity of our naked eyes.’ »

— Julia Baird, Phosphorescence

I will literally never believe your 20s are meant to be the prime of your life. The years immediately following your adolescence? When you’re entrenched in the battlefields of un/learning, healing, and growing? Yeah right

Michaela Coel by Durga Chew-Bose for Garage

sisters by holly warburton / lockdown & physical intimacy among friends by anahit behrooz / tarot by rachel droter

“But being is making: not only large things, a family, a book, a business: but the shape we give this afternoon, a conversation between two friends, a meal.”

— Frank Bidart, from “Advice to the Players,”  Star Dust: Poems (Farrar, Straus, and Giroux, 2005)

“and when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want, what do you call it - freedom or loneliness?”

—

Charles Bukowski

Maggie Nelson, Bluets

To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one's been crueller than I've been to me.

— Alanis Morissette, "Sorry to Myself", Under Rug Swept

“I see the way you carry your heart. You hold in the palm of your hands, close, but not tight enough. Instead of holding it with care you hold it with hope. With the hope that someday you’ll be able to give it away, the hope that the next pair of hands that are worthy enough to touch this sacred piece of you; will care for it more than you have.”

— i.c. / / hope (via delicatepoetry)

Y E S

wish women’s fitness was more about boosting our energy and getting our bones and joints ready for our old age and getting strong enough to punch men and less about losing weight while getting a bigger ass

Sleep like a winter bear ❄

Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body