The Urge To Write A Book...If Can Do This, I Can Make A Full Length Story...

The urge to write a book...If can do this, I can make a full length story...

It takes so much planning and patience and sometimes my adhd doesn't like being patient.

It'd be so worth it though...

I'll keep thinking about it. I definitely want to do something with my writing abilities.

This is for the Anon that wanted Seonghwa angst. I made it it's own post since the ask was so long but here it is. FYI, to any other Anon's, I openly welcome emoji anons. :)

Blogs: @demtttt couldn't tag you :/ @belladonna6-6-6

Tags: angst, Seonghwa speaks before thinking, talk of car crash, not much else i can think of.

"You're what?" "I'm sorry, Mn, I just-" "You're leaving me to go across the country? I-I can't live without you, Hwa." "Mn, you're sounding clingy, you can live without me."

You stared at Seonghwa, wide eyes slowly filling with tears as you stood from the swing set, standing in front of him. Your childhood park was empty and broken down, not really used anymore but the still standing swing set was where you and Seonghwa had most of your small dates and where you first met Seonghwa. "Take it back." "What?" "Take it back, you know how i feel about being called that, take it back." "You are though." "But you know that's how I show affection, it's not clinginess. How could you call your boyfriend clingy?" "About that..."

Inside he really didn't want to but he had to. He felt like he'd be kicked as a trainee if anyone found out. "About what?" You look at his eyes that are brimming with tears and watch as he removes a bracelet from his wrist. "N-No, Hwa, what are you-" It was the bracelet you made for him when you both started dating, a couples bracelet you called it instead of a friendship bracelet. It had beads with your nickname spelled out on it and yours had 'Hwa' on it.

"I-I think it's best if-" "Don't you dare break up with me." "It was hard enough facing our parents, I don't want anyone at the company to find out." "You're ashamed of me." "No, No, Not you-" "You said we'd be together forever, Hwa! Now your backing out just cause you're embarrassed that someone will find out that your gay?! That you have a boyfriend?!" "Mn, just listen-" "No, I see where I stand..." You take off your bracelet, snatching the other from Seonghwa's hand before pulling your arm back. "Mn, wait!" He wasn't quick enough to catch them as you threw them into the forest next to the park.

"Enjoy your life in Seoul." With that you run out of the park, shoving the low gate open as Seonghwa called out to you, one hand wiping your tears before you run down the street. "Mn!" He walked out the park a second later but you were gone.

A few days later, he was in Seoul, beginning his training and in his free time he tried to reach out to you but you never replied or he got a 'Message Not Sent' when ever he texted you. You blocked him, he realized. He really messed up and he can't even fix it.

He sulked as he closed the car door. He had just come back from his friends house which greeted him with a for sale sign, a red *SOLD* sticker made his chest feel tight. He was hoping he'd be able to apologize to you for what he did and how things ended. If he had to tell the truth, he'd say he still loves you.

He barely got to the door when his mom opened the door. "Seonghwa! Oh, honey, welcome home." "Hey, mom." "Well you don't seem very happy for debuting as a K-Pop Idol. What's wrong?" She steps to the side and lets him in, giving him a hug before bringing him to the dining room.

"What's wrong?" "I really wanted to apologize to Mn and tell him that all the dancing was worth it." "Mn? Ln Mn? Oh, hon, the Ln family moved out." "What?" He face fell as he stared at his mom. "Yeah...Actually, it was sold a week ago, they moved a month ago. Mrs. Ln told me they were moving to Shanghai because her mother-in-law's health was declining and they moved to help her father-in-law who's mobility wasn't the greatest." "They moved to China...." "Yeah. I'm so sorry Hwa..."

He felt so bad for what he did about halfway into his training. He regretted everything he said to you and he missed your hugs, your kisses, your gentle touch. How could he ever say you were clingy, what he did was unfair but it was already too late.

"I heard he visited the old dance club. Even until his last moment he was here he spent it dancing." "It's a good thing he's still dancing." "Yeah. Now come on, seemed like you needed a talk." "Where you taking me?" "Appa's out back. He doesn't know your here, silly." "Oh, right."

Years later, Seonghwa was rushing around backstage, running in and out of every room trying to find Wooyoung. He was told the boy was going to the bathroom but never found him.

They were at Music Bank for an award ceremony and there was a lot of idols there but there was one he just happened to bump into during his search and one he very much wasn't expecting at a k-pop event.

"I'm so sorry." "It's okay, are you looking for someone?" "I am-" Seonghwa pauses when he sees their face. "Oh my god, Mn!" He smiles widely, hugging the male and not even noticing the others confused expression. "I'm sorry."

"U-Um...S-Sunbaenim? You know me?" Seonghwa pulls back completely shocked. "W-What?" "I-I mean i-it's really an honor to meet you, Sunbaenim, I really admire you and I'm kind of nervous now knowing that you know me." "N-No, you- Don't you remember me?" "I only know that you're apart of Ateez. I really look up to you guys, I think you guys are so cool." "What...Sunbeam-" "Sunbeam? Oh! You saw my movie too!! You know my characters nickname, Oh my gosh, that's so cool." You gush, bouncing on the balls of your feet.

Seonghwa refused to realize that you truly didn't know him. He felt like he was floating aimlessly in space and his head started to hurt. "You don't know me..." "I do know you-" "No, me. W-We were childhood best friends, we...we were each others firsts..." "O-Oh, I-I don't...I don't remember any of my childhood, I'm sorry. I-I only know your from Ateez." You then see the smiling face of who you would say your best friend is waving you over. "I'm sorry, Sunbaenim, I-I have to go." He watches you walk away, crashing into a tight hug and laughing with your best friend, Felix.

"Hey, you looking for me? Sorry, got caught up talking to..." Wooyoung notices the far off look on Seonghwa's face and follows his gaze, watching as Hyunjin comes up to the both of you, giving you a hug and then whisking the both of you elsewhere.

"Hyung? What's wrong? Did Mn say something bad to you?" The male inhales shakily, his chest tight as he clenches his jaw to stop a sob from escaping. "Hyung, woah, what's wrong?" Wooyoung was suddenly directly in front of him when he heard a small whimper.

"Th-That was Mn...m-my friend from Jinju..." "Oh, your first boyfriend, right?" "Y-Yeah, h-he doesn't remember me..." "Well, there's may be a reason. Maybe your parents know?" "Uh, right, maybe...maybe they still talk to his his parents."

He pulled out his phone and Wooyoung stayed with him the whole time. When his mom answered the phone, he was greeted by a different voice. "Hello, Mrs. Park is unavailable at the moment, this is Mrs. Ln, can I take a message?" "Mrs. Ln?" "Um, yes, who's this?" "I-It's Seonghwa, ma'am." "Oh! How are you?" "U-Um, I-I'm currently at an award ceremony but-" "Oh, Mn is there too. It's so amazing that he's gotten to this point and he hasn't been doing it for long." "About Mn..."

He hears her sigh on the other end before speaking. "You ran into him, didn't you." "Yeah..." "Um, when we were in China with his grandparents...we were driving one day to go see his grandmother in the hospital and...we were being his grandfather along as well. Everything was just perfect until...well, some hot head sped a red light. We were already in the intersection and..." He voice choked up and Seonghwa told her to go at her pace. "It crashed into my father-in-law and Mn's side of the car. They were going 90 and..." She takes a deep breath before she says something else. "It's your son. Telling him about Mn." She must've been talking to his mom.

"They were going 90 and...I don't mean to dampen your mood but Mn wouldn't be at that ceremony today if it wasn't for the amazing team that fought to keep him alive." "What...Ma'am, what was the last thing he remembered?" "Oh...he couldn't remember anything before...before you left. I mean he remembered the dance club and barely any of his school life but...he only remembered his family. I'm sorry, Seonghwa, but he couldn't remember you."

He inhales sharply, staring ahead as he processes the information, now processing the scar that traveled from above his eyebrow to his upper lip. "The scar..." He whispered to himself. "Yeah, I'm glad that he embraces it. If he didn't, he wouldn't have followed his dreams." With a shaky breath he exhales. "Tha-Thank you, Mrs. Ln." "You're welcome, dear. Good luck, okay?" He hung up, his arm dropping to his side.

"Hyung?" "He...He got in a car accident...h-he lost a lot of memories he...he forgot me..." "Oh..." Wooyoung moved to wrap his arms around Seonghwa who was stock still. He wanted to apologize, to take him back but what can he do now?

He knows everything about you but how can he start over when you don't remember him? He doesn't know what to do, he feels stuck.

Wooyoung took him back to their seat where he almost remained motionless. He looked calm and seemed to be enjoying the different groups but inside he felt almost crushed.

He lost his Sunbeam and now his world feels dark.

I'm getting my taglist in order so comment under this post...

1 for everything

2 for just Stray Kids

3 for just Ateez

It's my first time actually having a taglist cause I haven't had this much attention on my writing so I'm still new to it.

Plus I have adhd and sometimes forget that I need to write things down in order to remember it 😊

I've had this idea for three months and it took so long to put into words because I was trying to come up with...not lyrics so to speak but what I think it feels like in a position like this.

Zombie Au? There's an infection and it's spreading but it's not necessarily zombies. Felix is your little brother.

Blogs: @belladonna6-6-6 @heartbinn @leezanetheofficial I genuinely forgot who else wanted tagged, please let me know again if you want to know when I post

Tags: Death, angst, you might cry (I genuinely cried), I'm so sorry if you cry 🥺, blood, kn1fe, Felix being the precious soul he is even in a dire situation, lots of crying, th-the use of st-stuttering since i've once read that the stuttering is annoying so I'm just warning. LMK if I forgot anything.

You ran and ran, hand tight around your brothers as you keep looking back to make sure he's still keeping up with you and also look out behind the both of you.

You shouldn't be outside at night but your original camp was surrounded by the creatures, slimy, gross, deformed creatures which use to be human beings. It was dusk, barely enough light to see where you're going.

The slow ones were called draggers, the fast ones were called runners, three runners were currently chasing you and your brother. You look back in front of you to find a couple draggers and skid to a stop, running to your left but you went to fast and Felix tripped, loosing the grip on your hand and falling to the ground with a grunt before shuffling back to his feet and catching up to you, taking your hand again.

His fumble unintentionally let the runners catch up to you both as you pant heavily. You still don't know where you're running, the road you're on unfamiliar as you run past buildings after buildings.

You suddenly hear a high pitched whistle and look ahead to your left, a person waving you over to an abandoned convenience store, they wear some sort of head cover that they seem to wear to blend in with the monsters but you saw their eyes and the fact that they were waving you over. You're quick to run over to them but suddenly your hand is empty again.

Turning around, you weren't expecting to see a dragger on your brothers foot. "Felix!" You dash over to him, kicking the dragger in the head before picking your brother up and running into the store.

You set Felix down, cradling his face and looking over him to make sure he's okay. "You guys okay?" The person- or the man- took his head over off and you see someone around you and Felix's age. "Yeah...Yeah, I think we're good. Thank you." "No problem. I'm Chris." "I'm Mn, this is my little brother, Felix." "It's nice to see a few new faces. Come on, there's a few more of us in the staff room."

The other survivors you met were really nice, they were friends of Chris'. Minho, Changbin, and Seungmin. They all lost someone to the infection.

Minho lost his lover, Jisung.

Changbin lost his best friend, Hyunjin.

Seungmin lost his little brother, Jeongin.

and Chris lost his wife and daughter.

You and Felix lost your whole family, you only had each other.

You both were currently on the floor in front of a fire Chris made, everyone else either somewhere in the store. Felix was curled up in your arms between your legs, one leg extended and the other you had your knee up the Felix leaned back on, your body was like his own little bubble, his comfort as your arms were secured around him and you just stared at the dancing flames in front of you.

He shifts, burying his face further into your neck as he slept but slowly he began whimpering and shifting, squirming in your hold as he tried to bury further into your neck. "Felix, bubs, wake up." You rub his arm gently, trying to wake him up and you know he's awake when he moves to face you, you move your legs to hold him properly in your lap as he cries on your shoulder. "Felix..." "I'm so scared, Mn..." "I know...I-I am too." "N-No, I-I'm scared of being in here..." "Wha- Lix, What do you mean?"

He sniffs, moving off your lap to rest his leg on your lap and pull up his pant leg. "No-" The tears hit you fast as you sob and gently graze your finger over the wound. "Th-The Dragger g-got me...I-I'm s-sorry, Mn. I-I'm so s-scared." He's started sobbing now and you just bring him into your arms, holding him tight. "I-I'm sorry..." You shush him, gently rubbing his back. "I-It'll be o-okay, Lixie." You bury your face in his shoulder and hold him tightly. "I-It'll be okay..." If you were reassuring him or yourself, you couldn't say.

Although, someone over heard you, and they were happy that an infected was now in their safe space.

In the stillness of the night, I hold you tight.

As time slips away, fading out of sight.

Every beat of your heart, a whispered plea.

Begging for salvation that I cannot decree.

There was one night, or day, you don't even know the date anymore, that you all gathered near the fire ring, conversing about anything and everything. Chris was telling stories of his family and Changbin told stories about him and Hyunjin, it hurt to learn that Changbin loved Hyunjin but never got the chance to tell him until Hyunjin got infected.

You and Felix were sitting on one of the break room tables, you could tell he's getting weaker, he was getting more tired and he didn't have as much energy anymore.

"I'm sorry...I have to say something before we're all dead." Minho suddenly spoke up and stood up, pulling a knife from the counter. "Woah, hey, Minho! What are you doing?!" "There's a runner or dragger here and I need to take care of it before we're all dead."

Your protective instincts gave it away as you stood and stepped in front of Felix. "Mn?" Seungmin questions your sudden shift before standing up, watching you protect the boy. "Minho, please..." "You really expect that'd change my mind?! Come on, wouldn't any of you want to kill the infected before it took your loved ones?" "Minho, this is my brother, my baby brother, he's all I have left, Please." "You'll end up loosing him." "But I still have him! I still have him now! I don't- I don't want to loose him yet, I-I just can't." You cry, turning towards Felix and cradling his face, gently shushing him as he sobbed, holding onto your wrists as he placed his forehead on yours.

He's muttering that he's scared, that he doesn't want to go, that he doesn't want to leave you and it hurts you even more, leaning back to kiss his forehead before returning to your previous spot.

Suddenly there's hands on your biceps, pulling you away from the boy and you sobbed, begging that this doesn't happen, trying to pull out of Chris' hold but he's stronger than you in the moment. "No, No P-Please! Please, just a little longer please!" Chris pulls you to the back wall of the break room, you try to pull your arms out and run to your brother but suddenly Changbin and Seungmin are holding you in place by your shoulders, keeping you from escaping Chris' hold. You struggle against them as Felix limps backwards away from Minho before falling to the floor.

"I-I'm sorry, Felix..." Minho stutters before driving the blade into his stomach. "No!!" You choke, watching Minho do it a couple more times before dropping the blade and stepping back. "Felix!"

They finally let you go and you dash over to your brother, kneeling next to him and bringing him into your hold, placing a hand on his heart and sobbing heavily. Every other beat is strong but the in between beats are slow and barely there.

"Felix, No..." He sobs, tilting his head into you and you lean further down to connect your foreheads. "I'm scared, Mn..." "I know...I know, bubs, I'm so sorry..."

Your breath grows faint, a fragile sigh,

Yet in your eyes, a fire refuses to die.

I'd trade my every breath to keep you here,

But destiny's grip, I cannot interfere.

His chest begins to rise and sink slowly, but when you lean back to look at his eyes, they almost look alive still, wide and looking up at you the usual way he looked at you, like you were the most amazing guy in the world. He always looked up to you, he loved you as his big brother.

"I-I wish I c-could take your place...give you all that I have. I w-wish you didn't have to go th-through this, Lixie...I-I'm such a terrible brother, I-I'm so sorry." You place a slightly bloody hand on his cheek and wipe his tears away. "Y-You're wrong-" "Ssh, save your breath." He chuckles weakly. "Ironic." His eyes glance down to his stomach where his shaking, bloody hands rest.

Through every gasp, I whisper tales of our past,

Each memory a lifeline, meant to last.

Though time may steal your earthly form away,

Our love's immortal flame will forever stay.

"You'll be with Mama...a-and L-Livy...a-and Rach..." "B-But th-they w-were turned..." "No, that's- That's not them...they're somewhere b-better..."

You move a few strands of hair out of his face and reach down to hold his hand. You don't care about the blood anymore.

"I-I don't w-want you to g-go, Bubs...Y-You belong h-here." "I-It w-would've h-happened...s-sooner or l-later." He inhales shakily, squeezing your hand. "I'm n-not r-really l-leaving." "What do you mean?" He raised a hand slowly and pointed at your chest. "I-I'll b-be here...y-you'll always l-love me, Nn. I-I'll a-always be here..."

I'm here by your side, my love, don't fear,

In the darkness, I'll be your light, my dear.

Though I cannot save you from fate's cruel art,

I'll stay with you, till the last, never apart.

"I-I don't want to leave you now...D-Dying is s-scary, I-I'm s-so s-scared." "It's gonna be okay...I'm gonna be here with you, it's okay. It's okay..."

You stayed the whole time, rubbing your thumb back and forth on the back of his hand and occasionally kissing his forehead. "I-I wish I could've s-saved you. I-I wish th-this didn't have to happen, I-I'm so sorry, Felix..."

You were gonna stay until his last breath.

As your eyes meet mine, in the final gaze,

I'll be the guardian of our love's eternal blaze.

Though you depart from this world's embrace,

You'll find me waiting in love's timeless space.

You had your eyes closed the whole time, you couldn't handle seeing him the way he was but you finally open them, Felix should see you before he goes.

"I-It'll b-be okay, Nn." He raised a hand to the side of your face and you held it tight. "Stop fighting it, Lix. I-I know you are, it's okay. I'm here, y-you're safe. S-Say h-hi to th-the girls and Mum if you see th-them...a-and l-let me know y-your with me every- every once in a while, mkay?" "I-I will a-and t-take m-my locket..." "Lixie..." You choke out as your eyes remain locked and you watch the light fade, his eyes filled with tears and his hand goes limp. "Lix..." You sob with a whine as the others finally kneel by you.

"I'm really sorry, Mn..." You were silent, sobbing over your brother. "Mn, we should move him." You sniff, moving a shaky hand to his neck and Minho gently helped you unclasp the locket, you clutch it in your fist before you leave a final kiss to his forehead and close his eyes. "Okay." You say softly, barely above a whisper.

You pick him up and turn to the other guys. "I-I can't...I-I don't have the strength to just l-leave him somewhere." "I'll take him for you..." Minho offers with his lips pressed together in a soft, apologetic smile. "I-I happen to know a nice area nearby so he won't just be out in the open." "Thank you..." His eyes widen at your words, he just killed your brother, why are you thanking him?

"Wh-When it got worse, I-I don't think I-I'd h-have the strength to actually l-let him go..." He hums in reply and steps up to you, letting you place Felix in his arms before he walks away. "Wait!" Minho turns around and you walk over to him, taking Felix's bracelets, putting them on, and any other items he had on him. You also snatch the pocket knife you saw from a nearby table and cut a part of his hoodie off, the only light blue part of his sleeve that wasn't covered in blood, and put it in your pocket, saving it to make something later. "Thanks." Minho nods before walking away again.

It's lucky the convenience store still has running water as you move to wash off the blood. "Hey, found the clothing section for you." Chris announces, placing a hoodie and jeans on the counter next to you. "In a convenience store?" "Well, from the thrift store next door." "Light Blue?" "Had a feeling...if that's okay?" Tears gather on your lash line before you nod and extend an arm. With Chris' small nod and a gentle smile, he lets you hug him tightly.

"I'm surprised you're not mad at us." Seungmin commented and Changbin slapped his arm. "I-I'm actually grateful...Yeah, you let my brother...b-but it was a necessary thing to do...I-I wouldn't have had the strength to do it my-myself when i-it got worse."

"I'm back." You leave Chris' embrace and turn to Minho. "Thank you...again." "It's no problem...Sorry I got a bit angry before." "It was understandable. Now if you don't mind, the state of my clothes is making me want to cry again so I'm gonna change."

"We'll be out here." Chris said as you walked to the bathroom with the clothes he got you.

When the door closed, Chris turned to the others. "Him thanking us for killing his brother is weird right?" "A little but it makes sense. Were you watching back there? He held his to his final breath. I could tell he wouldn't have been able to let him go if the infection got worse."

"How'd you know?" "Saw them a couple nights ago, Felix showed him the bite on his ankle from the dragger that attacked him before they came in here. I could see him changing and didn't want Mn to keep him to the point of turning into one of those and attacking us." "Did it hurt?" Changbin asked.

"So much. He looked as precious and kind, I really didn't but I was protecting us." You then walk out of the bathroom, throwing your old clothes into a nearby empty box. "Can I hug you, Minho?" "Uh, yeah, sure." He asks hesitantly and you walk over to him, wrapping your arms around his back and shoulders as he did the same to you.

"Thank you-" "Stop thanking me for killing your brother, it's kinda weird." You laugh, pulling away and joining the others on the floor. "Was gonna say thank you for protecting us...although I was against it...what you did makes sense...as much as I want to hate you for killing him you did it to protect us so...guess that skims off some of the hate." "Some?" He looks at you bewildered and the rest of you laugh.

"You killed my brother, you expect there to not be at least a little hate?" "Yeah, but you said some which means there's more hate then gratitude." While you and Minho went back and forth, the other three watch small smiles.

Even in a world of chaos, there's still time to find joy.

😭 I'm sorry if this made you cry and also I wrote this in like three hours it was like 1:20am when I started and now it's 3:41am so I'ma go to bed.

The angst is angsting 😩

His locket had a picture of your family on one side, and him and you together on the other.

Here's a little sneak peak of the Big things that are happening after "Sleeping Around" 😊

Comment below if you'd like to be tagged when I start this series 😁

It'll also be under the first tag "Holy Grail by James"

I feel like i've over-scrolled the search of "Stray Kids x male reader" cause I feel like i've read the entire tag. Like I don't even want to scroll the tag anymore because it's all fics that i've read and liked.

Wish tumblr had an easier way to look at posts you haven't seen before.

For now I shall continue to doom scroll the tag and hope I can find more.

(Send fics, I'm just a being hungry for subby skz and male reader)