Kilipu99 - Untitled

So I'm Asexual

Tuesday October 8th 2024

My name is Beatrice Banis, and I hate my name. It's an alliteration, which is only cool if you're a huge nerd and care about that kind of thing. My last name is baltic, which is only cool if you like tracing your family history, like my mom. But we don't live in Europe, so no one even cares about that. The part I actually hate is my first name. My dad named me after one of his college friends, which would only be cool if her name was more interesting. I always thought it was a really basic name, and my life would be exactly the same if it was something equally basic, like Emily or Ashley. None of those would work instead because I was never really in love with the idea of being perceived as a girl. In the end, I never thought it fit me as a person. None of the nicknames fit either. When I was a small child my family called me Trixie. I accepted it for a long time, but once I actually gained consciousness in middle school, I began to vehemently oppose it. My friends tried to call me "Trix," no "-ie," instead, and it still felt wrong. For a long time I refused to have a nickname at all, and insisted people only call me by my full name, "Beatrice," not "Trixie," not "Trix" not "Beaty" or whatever else. Now that I'm older, I'm trying to get people to just call me "Bea." I like it because it just sounds like the first letter of my name, like people are just calling me "B." In the end, my name is Bea Banis, which is still an alliteration, and still isn't cool unless you're a huge nerd and care about that kind of thing.

I used to care about that kind of thing. My friend and I used to have a crush on the same person in high school. Their name was an alliteration too. After that, I realized it was very cliche and kind of embarrassing to point that kind of thing out to people. In the end, they don't really care and you're just dumping pointless information at them.

I have a hard time telling the difference between a conversation and info-dumping.

I have crushes on people sometimes. The ones that I knew were a crush were always boys. Those would be the ones that I would experience the fullness of limerence, the obsessive thoughts and attention would stay on this one person for a very, very long time. It could go up to a year. Occasionally these people liked me back and would do things, like sit with me on the bus, give me hugs, and express lots of other kinds of physical affection. The thing was, whenever they would do that, the limerence would instantly disappear, and then I would just feel bad.

I don't remember the first time I learned the word "asexual," and I don't remember exactly when I decided I identified as one. But in retrospect, it was a really good call.

I don't think any of my crushes were typical. For one, they would go away as soon as it became real. It was like, I liked the idea of being in a relationship. But the real life pressures of actually being in one turned the idea into something so sickly sweet it made me nauseas, and then I would feel trapped, and then I would feel like I wasn't myself, and then I would get really scared and depressed. Then whatever feelings I used to have for the person would disappear, and then I would have anxiety because now I was with someone I didn't actually like, and what's the point of a relationship on paper if you didn't actually like them? Additionally, it always felt like I was leading them on from that point on, and that made me feel evil.

The one my friend and I both liked, I think I was obsessed with him for, like, the whole school year. I don't even know why I liked him... he was kind of mean. But... he was really good at the trombone, and he really liked to read. My friend had convinced him to ask me to go to the homecoming dance. We hardly danced together, and he left early because his family was going on holiday the next morning. Then, he never texted me again. I think he didn't really like me all that much. He did convince me to do jazz band, and I stayed in that band until my senior year, even though I didn't like him anymore.

The next one was someone who liked me first. He asked me to go to homecoming my sophomore year. I said yes. I decided I liked him because he was really smart, and liked being a mastermind. He asked me to homecoming by having me decode a message using the piano. He was okay at playing drums, and he was really into philosophy. After homecoming he tried to ask me to be his girlfriend, but I tried to explain that I don't think I was ready to be in a relationship. I don't know why I was so scared... I still really liked him at the time. I continued to like them for another year, hoping they would maybe try to ask me again, and that maybe I would have the guts to say yes.

The next guy was someone who I hardly knew. He also liked me first. He got my number at a band competition and we started texting before he asked me out. I think I tried to say no but it was like he convinced me to try it. I wouldn't really call this guy a crush. I think I tricked myself into liking him because it was what I was supposed to do. We only dated for three months.

My senior year, I developed a crush on an underclassmen because I knew he liked me. He was also really good a the trombone, but he wasn't that great at school. He had anger issues and we argued a lot. I stayed in that relationship longer than I should have, because I was scared. But I don't think I actually liked him for longer than three months, either. In fact, it was one of those cases where the feelings pretty much went away as soon as he asked me out. But I actually said yes that time, because maybe that was normal? I mean, it kept happening, and maybe that's just what happens to everyone else, and you're supposed to just deal with it.

I simultaneously kind of had a thing with someone at another school, right before me and the underclassmen started dating. Except for that one, I think I might have liked him first. Or, at least, I didn't know if he liked me or not before I started having feelings. I met him on a school trip, and they were really funny, really smart, played the piano and the trumpet. The sad thing is, nothing actually happened there. In fact, we went to prom as friends, and he told me way later that he actually really liked me at the time, but then I started dating the underclassmen from my school, so he had to get over it.

So no matter what, at the end of the day, I felt bad anyway.

I started to notice a pattern. I would only actually date people who liked me first. When we would start dating, my feelings would disappear. The relationship would drag on for longer than I would've liked because I didn't want to hurt their feelings.

Oddly, I never had any crushes on girls. Or at least, I wouldn't like girls the same way I would obsess over the boys I liked. I might've liked girls if I had the pressure to like girls.

I've since learned the term compulsory heteronormativity.

So I'm definitely asexual. I'm probably not aromantic. But I don't know if I only like boys, or if I don't actually like boys but just felt pressured to like boys, considering none of them actually ever really worked out.

The thing is, if what I really want is a partner who is my best friend, and my really close, someone codependent best friends were always girls, what does that mean?