I Have Difficulties With Large Group Chats (mainly Speaking Of Those With More Than Around 4 People).

i have difficulties with large group chats (mainly speaking of those with more than around 4 people). i feel like one large reason for my constant drifting and issues with lurking in the past is that the format just doesn’t quite work for me for a multitude of smaller reasons. also, i am basically fundamentally unable to deal with a group chat if i am not significantly bonding with one person and can attach myself to them for a sense of belonging/specifically targeted longing and affection towards them. what i mean by that is for example one situation i was in. i was in a group chat my old best friend invited me to join and would basically only partake in conversation when she was there, and i’d target my replies specifically to her 95% of the time. everyone else intimidated or disinterested me unless i talked to them one-to-one separately.

because, again, too many people overwhelms me for two main reasons 1) it’s hard to keep track of so many people and stay connected to everyone’s rhythm, especially when i’m less adoring/close to certain people 2) i can often feel alienated when i miss out on some part of it/can’t keep up with a topic and this leads to an unhealthy sort of repressed jealousy/inferiority to build up inside of me, especially when the person i’ve attached myself to (or the 2 or 3 people i’ve got a significant connection with) are close to other people as well. the first reason is the main once but the second one also bothers me quite a bit (i am not sure how to remedy this part of myself).

anyway, this has been making me think a lot about my enneagram type, specifically the stipulation of my being a sx5 (5w6, 594) and the idea of avarice through yearning for an idealized union of a one-to-one nature. i do tend to think about and value this over a lot of aspects of life/human connection. i am very, very attached to the idea of an ultimate, soulmate-like relationship (even if i have deeper thoughts on this). sx5 is more intense, romantic, and emotionally sensitive, mainly when holding romantic feelings for someone. this does work with me quite a bit. romantic feelings does make me 100% more emotionally sensitive and i also deeply connect with the idea of expressing this through secret keeping. anyhow, it’s a long journey for me to introspect more on this and come to a conclusion.

(throws a stick at you) go fetch

woof woof (bites stick and runs around in a circle) (brings the stick back to you) 🥺🥺🥺🐶🐶🐾🐾

zen and jihyun (v) are good friends : an essay

knmf utena 🫡

bitches say with their whole chest that self-diagnosing complex mental illnesses without the proper research or understanding is harmful to sufferers of said mental illnesses and ultimately does more harm than good, and then those same bitches will jump at the chance to slap the label ‘narcissist’ and ‘sociopath’ on people they Do Not Like.

trying to complete my chat/call history for v's route by picking options i've always been too embarrassed to pick before and i gotta say.

it's delightful listening to this poor man sputter his way through a response to MC saying "let's get married!" when he's just trying to figure out whether they're safe LMFAO