I Miss My Best Friend Dearly. I Would Give Anything In The World To Be Able To See Her Again. Testosterone

I miss my best friend dearly. I would give anything in the world to be able to see her again. Testosterone made it so hard for me to cry, but I haven't had a day since they were killed that I haven't teared up or wept.

There are hundreds of things I want to draw for her, of her, in memory of her. It feels like I may never have the time, or the energy. Would it be healing? Is healing listening to the same song on repeat and thinking of them? I've realized in the weeks after they died that love seems endlessly entwined with sorrow. I cannot love without feeling a grief in my heart that she is gone, that one day the people around me may be gone too. It's terrifying, and I try not to let myself dwell on it.

It's okay that grieving is a part of love. Grief isn't a bad thing. I'm learning to live with it, to open my ribs to it and nestle it close and careful next to my heart. I'd rather feel this in my chest for the rest of my life than forget even half of how much she meant to me.

It terrifies me how close to death we all are. People in my life get into accidents all the time. My siblings, my friends. I'm petrified that the world will lose another. Sometimes it freezes me, genuinely pulls me to a halt with a clenched jaw. Unlike grief, I do hope this sensation goes away. I hope the people I love live forever.

“May I please draw your OC?”

Reblog this message if you encourage anyone that wants to draw your OC to do so.  No need to ask for permission in advance.

Go for it.  Draw my OC.  If you want, I’ll even give you reference posts.  Go to town on it.

You are welcome to draw my OC and surprise me with the result.  Seriously.  In fact, I encourage it.  I will proudly display whatever it is you submit to me regarding my OC.  There is a chance that I will squeal about it for several days.

Even if you feel you aren’t good at whatever artistic adventure it is you do, please feel free to submit it to me.  I want to see what you have done.

Finn/Fern

Had to do a cited research comic for one of my classes, and I'm so proud of how it turned out!

some studies i’ve been doing! I love creating compositions for animals I’m researching, and I love researching pretty much any animal (birds and marine life have my heart, though.)

what should i draw next?

Vetted fundraisers that have reached out to me:

@bilal-salah0 here

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@save-salem-family2 here

@noorabd1992 here

@fidaa-family0 here

@fedao here

@ahmedalnabeeh11 here

@anqar here

@islamgazaaccount2 here

@karamrafeek here

@save-salam-family here

@mohammadyaser1980 here

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Last updated: August 6th, 2024

lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)

if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.

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no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.

I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.

I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.

If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.