I Make Fun Of Coffee Drinkers For Being Physically Addicted To And Dependent On Badbreath Bitterdrink

I make fun of coffee drinkers for being physically addicted to and dependent on badbreath bitterdrink but when i dont have my morning tea i feel like a mentally ill caveman about to do something bad.

Do you guys remember how kidnap fantasies were popular on wattpad because young girls and queer teens were both made to feel shame at the thought of their own sexualities, so the fantasy of being kidnapped totally against their will was a way for them to engage with a romantic or sexual fantasy without feeling morally in the wrong for doing so? Added bonus that the fantasy involved being whisked away from repressive environments like home or school, right?

Finding out that Bram Stoker was in a sexless marriage and that scholars believe that he very likely was closeted gay puts the entire book into perspective as to WHY it reads EXACTLY like a self insert wattpad Dracula kidnap fic:

“I TOTALLY love my wife and would never do anything that an upstanding Good Straight Working Man wouldn’t do but oh nooo, big strong man with broad back and strong enough arms to carry me back to bed like a princess trapped me and claimed me as his, completely against my will 👉👈 But he protects me against the bad evil sexual women (who I assure you, I am TOTALLY sexually attracted to, as any straight man with a choice would be) but trust me, I do NOT want ANY of this. What’s that? The Count is not capable of feeling love? Would be a shame if I had the special ability to change tha-”

Why is this literally The Magnus Archives

I'M FINALLY HOME FROM MY PERILOUS TRIP FROM ABROAD (A holiday to bratislava and vienna) AND OH GOD, I'VE BEEN DELAYED 3 DECADES FROM SEEING MY BELOVED LOVERS (i was fucking delayed 3 hours from ryanair flights, can you fucking believe that, just say your pilot is hungover rather than LYING to us about some bullshit problem about buses, and also i greatly miss my queer platonically married friend, no good lessons either on Friday other than English and Computer maths so i'm fucked)

THEY SHALL CELEBRATE MY ARRIVAL WITH TEARS AND BOUQUETS WHEN I RETURN BACK TO MY KINGDOM

(My classmates will just look Suprised i'm here, my parents pulled this stunt the first day after school started in September, the first day of October - immediately on holiday. Thank god there's no major sporting events for November, else i'll die. I'll also lie about a funeral, in which to their narrative i have many dead relatives)

I feel like someone is standing next to me talking about how I'm dead

next season we're gonna get a casement that's just a recording from Colin's phone of whatever the hell happened to him + classified police report notes I'm calling it