Im In Tears

I’m in tears

I’m Gonna Miss You, Blondie || Ben!Roger x Reader

A/N: This is for @bensroger​ 3k fic challenge. My prompt was an angsty one, so this is super sad. Nevertheless, I really hope you enjoy it!

Wordcount: 3,658

Warning: This is nothing but sadness, there is no happy ending. At all. I don’t want to give away too much so just know, this is going to hurt. But also, like, horrible writing.

Prompt: “And even when I leave you, I will still be with you, in your memories.”

The only thing you were aware of was the uncomfortable bite of gravel on your skin as you fell to the ground. It was if time had slowed down the minute he put his hands on you.

You were new to school, it was your first day and you hadn’t made any friends yet. The playground was packed full of kids milling about and having the best of times. When you had noticed that the swings were empty you made a beeline for them. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to make friends but being seven years old and new to this trying to make friends thing, you weren’t entirely sure how to go about it.

Logan Collins. He was immediately identifiable as the school bully. He was in your class and you had done your best to stay away from him and his group of friends. Unfortunately for you, being new made it easy for him to notice you.

Apparently, deciding to swing on the swings by yourself labeled you as weird. To boys like Logan, weird was all he needed to make you feel like scum under someones shoe. You had made the smart decision to walk away, to try and avoid his verbal barrage but that was when he stepped in front of you. There was no time to react before he was shoving you to the ground.

“Stupid girl,” he bellowed, his posse erupting in laughter.

You cast your gaze up towards the boy towering over you, and then all you saw was a flurry of blonde hair before the grey sky was wiped clean. Pushing yourself up off of your back to a sitting position you could see that a different boy had come to your rescue. To the bully’s rescue came the adults.

You were sitting in an uncomfortable wooden chair in the Head Teacher’s office, impatiently waiting to explain what had happened. The blonde boy was called in first, and you could hear through the door as he answered the questions asked of him.

“Well, then why did you tackle and punch Mister Collins in the face, Roger?”

“No one deserves to be picked on,” Roger answered as if it was the most obvious reason of all. “I wasn’t going to stand there and let him keep screaming at her.”

Just like that you met the bestest of friend you’d ever have in your life.

You had become inseparable. Where there was you, there was Roger and vice versa. He was your best mate, and you were his. It never seemed weird to you that you both shared everything with each other. Your parents used to joke that one day you two would end up married, which always made you both respond with gagging noises. You were sixteen when that changed.

The chill in the air had you wrapping your coat a little tighter around your shoulders as you trekked towards the doors to school. The shout of your name nearly made you jump out of your skin and when you turned to face the sound you couldn’t help a chuckle. Roger was running towards you, blonde hair flopping into his eyes.

“I gotta ask for your help, love.”

This wasn’t unusual to you. Generally he came to you for help with school work in the subjects he was absolute rubbish in. In turn, you often found yourself begging for his help in the ones you couldn’t seem to get a grasp on.

“Sure.”

At your nod his eyes lit up and he animatedly started explaining the situation. A situation that had nothing to do with school work.

“You know Susan, yeah? Think you could say a few nice things about me, help me get a date with her?”

There was a pang in your chest but you nodded again, forcing a smile on your lips and ignored the odd feeling you couldn’t quite place. Later that day you figured out how you would bring up the topic of conversation with someone you didn’t exactly consider a friend. It wasn’t until the day of the date that you placed the feeling. Jealousy. You convinced yourself you were just scared of losing your best friend.

After that girls came and went in his life, much like a revolving door. You had stopped trying to keep track, and for the most part you were able to ignore the jealousy. They never stuck around but you did. He made sure you did. And for now, you believed that was enough.

When you both decided to attend Uni in London you couldn’t have been more excited. It was nice to know you weren’t going to be alone in this new city. You had never fancied much of being the new kid, you definitely didn’t want to do it again by yourself. There were times as you were packing your things that you thought about how maybe, just maybe, once you were in the city things could be different.

Of course they weren’t. The revolving door of women only grew but you still remained the same. When Brian came into the picture with the band Smile, you never missed a gig. You often left alone after watching a random groupie drag Roger out the doors, the same pang you felt all those years ago now becoming a constant presence in your chest. No matter how much you tried to pretend it wasn’t there.

Smile turned Queen and after much protest, a van was sold and an album was recorded. That was easily the longest and most interesting day of your life. By the time you had made it back to Roger’s flat, you were far too exhausted for the journey to your own. The couch was inviting, warm, and comfy, so that was where you stayed. The weeks that followed often ended the same, on his couch too exhausted to go home.

The habit became your constant explanation for you exhaustion. Sleeping on a couch couldn’t be helping you get a decent sleep but you and Roger didn’t really want to be apart. He’d started sleeping at the other end, tea cups abandoned on the coffee table. Mountains of you school work had become permanent decor on the floor. Your relationship with your best friend seemed to have shifted but neither of you acknowledged it. There was no point. Soon he’d be running off to America.

“I’m gonna miss you, Blondie,” You told him as you stretched up on your tip toes to press a kiss to his cheek.

The two of you had never spent this much time apart since you’d met. Just thinking about how long it would be before you saw him again was heartbreaking. He wasn’t due to leave for another two weeks but you had exams coming up and you weren’t too sure how much you’d get to see him before he left. That was why you continuously made a point to essentially say goodbye.

He shook his head at you as you stifled a yawn behind your hand. If he said he didn’t feel slightly guilty for your near constant state of exhaustion, he’d be lying. That didn’t change the fact that he didn’t want you far for long. It was almost like he was trying to get as much time spent with you to stock up before he spent months away.

“Got plenty of time, love. Don’t go missin’ me quite yet.”

With a roll of your eyes you adjusted your bag on your shoulder over your coat. You’d skipped your first class to catch up on a bit of sleep and if you didn’t hurry you’d miss your next one. Otherwise, you’d have stayed to argue that it wasn’t nearly enough time at all.

“Shut up, I love you, bye!”

You’d been completely out the front door, it shutting with a click behind you when you realized what you had said. Just as you were getting ready to open the door and retract what you’d said, it swung open with a wide-eyed Roger on the other side.

“I-”

“Say it again…”

He sounded desperate, cutting you off before you could take it back. To everyone else this wouldn’t have seemed like a big deal but it was. He was your best friend, and sure you were basically living in his flat, but you weren’t together. You couldn’t even brush it off as a friend thing because he knew you better than anyone and it was clear in his eyes that he knew exactly what you meant.

After a while of weighing your options you decided that life was short and you already knew you had months without him awaiting you. Could you really go on wondering what it would be like if you had told him? If maybe he wouldn’t have a new girl in his room every night while he was gone? You weren’t so sure you could.

“I said…” You started, bringing your eyes up to meet his, “I love you.”

You didn’t make it to classes that day, and it wasn’t because of the exhaustion that’s been haunting you.

“I’m gonna miss you, Blondie,” You repeated the words from weeks ago, only this time there were tears in your eyes.

Roger and the band were leaving and you could barely keep yourself from crying. You had spent the last few weeks as a couple, cuddled together and even more inseparable than ever. To be even more dramatic than you already felt, saying goodbye to him felt like losing a limb. There were promises of phone calls and ‘I love you’s’ exchanged but it wasn’t until he had shut the door to your now shared flat that you allowed the tears to actually fall.

He’d been gone for almost two weeks when you started to come down with the flu. You tried to keep going, missing more classes wasn’t really an option. After having spent so much time off to be with Roger and the band, you were in trouble of failing. Every night on the phone Rog tried to convince you to visit the doctor, your sickness was far too clear in your voice and he was beginning to worry about you. You continued to reassure him that you were fine.

It wasn’t until a near collapse on the way to your next class that you finally made it to see a doctor. Your best mate had to quite literally drag you there, as you continued to argue that you were fine. It was nothing a quick nap couldn’t fix. The doctor wasn’t so convinced.

You nearly missed Rog’s call that night. He heard you shouting a 'hello?“ just as he was getting ready to place the phone back on the receiver.

"Y/N? I didn’t think you were there, love.”

“I-I just got in,” You replied, a bit disappointed in how shaky your voice sounded. The last thing you wanted to do was worry him.

“Everything alright?”

“Fine, I just had lost track of time in the library. Didn’t think I’d make it in time to talk to you.”

You could tell he wasn’t quite buying it but he let it slide and you continued your conversation as usual. It was a relief to hear his voice, it calmed the fear the doctor had instilled in you mere hours ago.

The doctor had ordered the nurses take some of your blood to run tests on and you’d been staring at the same wall for what seemed like forever, waiting. You had explained you were just burning the candle at both ends, it was why you were so exhausted. Something in your explanation of the collapse didn’t sit well with him and he insisted on a longer visit than you had hoped for.

You were attempting to keep your mind off of the possibilities of why he was so worried, so Roger was the only thing that occupied your thoughts. Just as you were starting to drift to sleep the doctor returned. His face seemed far more serious, a frown deepening the lines in his face and making him seem older.

He pulled in a deep breath and then his eyes seemed to take on a look of pity. “Something just doesn’t seem quite right here,” He explained while taking a look at the chart in his hands.

“The guys are calling for me, love,” Roger said, pulling you back from your thoughts. “You sure everything is alright?”

“Yeah, Rog. Everything is fine. I promise.”

You could hear a sigh on the other end of the phone. He always knew when you were lying. For now though, he seemed to be able to tell that pressing the subject wasn’t the best. You were grateful for that.

“Alright, I’ll call you tomorrow. Goodnight, Y/N. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” You replied, ignoring the tear that was making its journey down your cheek. “Bye, Rog.”

When the phone was securely on the receiver you allowed yourself to feel the sheer terror that had settled into your heart the minute the doctor had uttered the diagnosis.

“We can’t be certain yet, we’ll have to do a few more tests but we may have caught this early enough. With some treatments we might even be able to beat this.”

You knew, he didn’t have to say the words, you knew. Your aunt had gone through it, years ago. It might have been when you were young but you knew the process, unfortunately that didn’t make it any less scary. She hadn’t won.

After quite a few tears and a good bit of wine you crawled into your bed with a new resolve. Everything was going to be fine. Just like you’d been saying for months now. Some may call it stupid to have such blind faith that things would work out but the way you saw it, either you could live terrified for years or you could live happily and accepting for months. You weren’t going to give up but you definitely didn’t want to spend any of your time hiding.

Or so you thought.

Weeks passed by. More tests came and went. Verdicts were dealt. Roger? Still in the dark. As far as he was aware, everything was fine. Nothing was happening in your life except school. There was once or twice that you had missed a phone call, you had sworn it was because you were napping. The truth was, most of the time, you were at the doctor.

You had started action plans for treatments and with your Professors and University to postpone your studies. Every day it started to feel more and more real, and yet somehow you continued to stay in a bit of denial. Your best moments were when you could take the nightly phone calls with the band. As the tour was wrapping up they were all missing home a bit more and insisted on speaking with you if they had the chance. You weren’t complaining.

It was your mum who had put the thought in your head, and it was slowly eating you alive. Roger didn’t sign up for this. His entire life was sitting in front of him, opportunities that would bring him so much success and happiness. You didn’t want to be a sadness, or a burden. The best thing you could do for him was let him go. That was when you started packing.

He was due home soon, your last call had been earlier that day. Your mum had come the night before to attend a doctor’s appointment with you. It was after the call she had got you thinking, and then she left to go home. There hadn’t been any tears as you placed the last of your things in a box.

“Y/N!!”

The door slammed shut behind him, your heart was immediately in your throat. You had dreamed about this moment since he’d left. All you had wanted this whole time was to be wrapped in his arms, to feel safe. You couldn’t do this to him though. You couldn’t force him to watch you die.

“Hey, lo-…” He cut himself off as he noticed the boxes stacked up in your shared room. His brows knitted together in confusion. “W-what’s going on?”

Your eyes had met his and you could feel your heart shatter. He knew you were leaving but he didn’t know why. His eyes were welling up and you wanted so desperately to go to him, to kiss away his pain but you couldn’t.

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” You motioned between the two of you with a wavering voice.

“D-don’t do this, please,” He begged, something you never thought you’d see him do. “Whatever happened, we can fix it. It’s you and me. It’s always been you and me and we only just started. Please… Please don’t do this.”

He had come up and taken your hands in his, stooping just a bit so he could catch your eyes. The floor had become mighty interesting during his speech. You knew this was going to hurt but you didn’t think it would hurt this badly.

“I… we can’t.”

“Why? Why can’t we?”

Tears were escaping, falling in fat splatters on the floor that you were still intent on staring down. You hoped you could find the answers there.

“I’m dying, Rog.”

The words were so quiet he would have had to strain to hear them, and even then you weren’t sure he heard you. Silence stretched on for what seemed like forever, and so you lifted your eyes up to his. Confusion was the prominent look in them but you could see the same terror that had haunted your own eyes since you first found out.

“I… I have cancer. It’s in the late stages, the doctors have done everything they can but… It’s just too late,” Your words broke again and your eyes found the floor. He was unmoving for a while, and then he dropped your hands and took a step back.

“How long have you known?”

“Almost three weeks after you left…”

“Jesus Christ, Y/N!! Were you ever going to tell me?!” His face was flushed, anger rolling off of him in waves.

“I didn’t want to worry you! You had enough going on!”

He scoffed, rolling his eyes and giving you a glare before running his hands through his hair. You could have sworn you had heard him saying something a long the lines of “Are you joking?!” but you couldn’t be sure as he was mumbling.

“I can’t believe you,” He finally said clearly, shaking his head. “I.. I’ve gotta go.”

Just the way he came, he was gone again with the door slamming shut behind him. To say that wasn’t how you expected this to go was an understatement. In fact, you had hoped to be gone before he got there so you could avoid this whole thing. You sat down on the bed, curling up on your side to let the tears fall freely.

You were just so tired.

You hadn’t intended on falling asleep but here you were, being woken by a gentle shake of your shoulder. When your eyes popped open you were greeted with a sight that nearly shattered your heart even more than it already was. Roger was looking at you with the softest expression you’d ever seen, his eyes red and puffy. You could still see tear tracks on his cheeks.

“I love you,” He started and when you started to open your mouth to speak he shook his head. “I love you, and I don’t want to lose you. I’m all in, love. You can’t just run away because I know you, and I know that’s not what you want. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you but I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere. I love you, Y/N. You’re it for me.”

By the end of his speech you were both crying but he never broke that promise. He was there for you through it all. His hand was clasped tightly around yours even up until your last breath. You’d been in the hospital for a long time, you didn’t know if it was weeks or months anymore. It all just blurred together.

You knew. The fight had been long and you fought tirelessly, doing everything you could to try and stay there with him. You weren’t ready to go, not even in the slightest but you didn’t really get to choose. His head was resting on your clasped hands and you could hear him faintly mumbling something.

“Rog?”

His head shot up at the sound of your voice, his brows nearly in his hairline. You could tell he was about to greet you but you shook your head this time, stopping him in his tracks.

“You know, I love you more than anything,” Your voice was thin, tired, “I’m gonna miss you so much, Blondie.”

His heart shattered before your eyes and you couldn’t stop the tears that started to fall down your face. He tried to tell you not to talk like that, that there was no reason to miss him. He wasn’t going anywhere. You could only manage a sad smile.

“I want you to know that all I want is for you to be happy. You have to promise you’ll try, okay?” He had resigned to listening to you, his own tears falling down his face. “And even when I leave you, I will still be with you, in your memories.”

Roger rose from his seat and cupped your face in his hands before placing a loving kiss to your lips. You could taste his tears and it hurt to know that this was something neither of you could stop.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Rog,” was the last thing you said.

Harry Styles singing Bohemian Rhapsody

Can you imagine Harry making a cover of Bohemian Rhapsody ! I need it

Freddie being Freddie

Roger doing his work of making every women drool

And Deacy being cute as always

Before January ends, I’m going to magically and extremely be blessed by the universe.

Worst thing that can happen to a Queen fan is when one of your headphones doesn’t function.

Ben Hardy as Angel in X-Men Apocalypse

He looks so hot