You And I Walk A Fragile Line - Farleigh Start X F!Reader - Part 6

You and I Walk a Fragile Line - Farleigh Start x F!Reader - Part 6

a/n: hey guys!! im so sorry this part has taken me so long! im currently on a trip so i havent had much time to write! but i hope this makes up for it, im super excited for yall to read this!!! also i think im going to plan for this series to have a few more chapters, probably max 9 or 10! i love it sm i really dont want it to end 😭 but anyways enjoyyy and comment what you think! and again i apologize if the smut is mid.. btw this is not proofread LMAO

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word count: 4.9k words

warnings: MDNI 18+, smut, fingering, oral (f!receiving), p in v, angst, language, smoking, afab reader

You’re sitting in your bed, reading a magazine, when your flip phone rings. You lean forward to pick it up from the corner of the bed, wondering who could be calling you this late. You raise your eyebrows when you see that it’s Lola. You haven’t spoken to her since school got out. Nevertheless, you answer it and put the phone up to your ear.

“Lola! Hey,” You grin. “Oh my God, I’m so glad you picked up. I’m so bored around here,” She groans, and you smile even bigger at the sound of her voice on the other end. “Around where?” You ask curiously.

“My parents’. I have to babysit my younger sister all the time. It’s exhausting, really,” She moans. “I just want to like, go to a party or something. Honestly, I would even prefer to be going to classes right now instead of this.”

“Wow. That must mean it’s really bad then, huh?” You continue flipping through the magazine, your eyes scanning through the apparently trending fashion and makeup choices at the moment.

“Yes. Ugh. You’re at Saltburn, right?” She asks. “Yeah.” You reply.

“How’s that going?” Lola questions, and you hear another voice in the background that sounds like her, only higher-pitched. “No, I’m on the phone. Go away. Shoo,”

You try not to snicker at her shooing away her little sister. “It’s…” You trail off, trying to decide the right way to describe how the summer is going so far for you. “I don’t know. Different.”

“How so?” You pause and wonder if you should tell her what’s been going on. You decide it’s probably better not to and keep some things to yourself.

“I think it’s just cause we’re growing up. I mean, we graduate in less than two years.” You shrug and reach over to grab your glass of wine. “Oh God, don’t remind me. My parents are still asking me what my plans are,” She sighs loudly.

“I can’t believe it.” You shake your head and close the magazine, uninterested in the latest celebrity drama. An idea suddenly forms in your mind.

“Hey, the Cattons are throwing one of their big summer parties in a few days. I could invite you?” You suggest. You hear Lola gasp. “Really?! I’d love to go. I’ve heard so many stories about the Saltburn parties.” She makes it sound so dramatic, and you giggle.

“And you’d get a chance to see Felix,” You grin as you hear her jumping around. “Yeah, I would! You don’t need to convince me any further. I’ll be there,” She pauses. “Wait, but they’ll let me come, right?”

“Oh, of course. They like me a lot, so I’m sure they won’t mind.” You assure her. “Okay, perfect. Thank you so much, my love. I’ll let you get some sleep. See you soon!” She squeals excitedly and you roll your eyes with a smile as she hangs up.

You set down your phone and sigh, looking around your dim room.

You haven’t been able to get Farleigh out of your mind since your little… moment two nights ago. He’s not avoiding you, but he’s not being nice either. He’s gone back to teasing you and embarrassing you in front of the Cattons. You should’ve known that if you got too close, he’d pull away and return to his old ways.

But every little glance you two share has your stomach fluttering and your heart pounding. Every insult meant to hurt or offend you has the opposite effect. In some depraved way, you like when he degrades you. The past two nights, you’ve laid awake and stared up at the ceiling, trying to relive that night when he made you feel so good. Just the thought of him had your mind reeling. You would do anything just to feel that way again. You’re hooked.

You can’t just keep wallowing in these feelings. You want to talk to him, work things out, and go back to how they used to be a week ago. More importantly, you just want to be in his presence. It gives you some kind of thrill to be around him. It’s like a game of roulette to see which version of him you’ll get each time, and you love it. You crave his attention.

You climb off of your large bed and walk determinedly to your door, opening it quietly and sneaking down the hallway. It’s quite a long walk to Farleigh’s room, but you don’t care. You pass Felix’s room, then Venetia’s. Both of their lights are out, telling you that everyone in the house is probably asleep by now. You can only hope and pray that Farleigh isn’t.

You eventually find yourself standing in front of his room. Dim light peeks through from under his door, and you sigh with relief. He’s still awake. Your decision catches up to you and you realize how stupid it is that you’re about to knock on his door. You shake your head to clear your doubt, raising your hand and gently knocking.

You hear his bed shifting and footsteps following close after. You swallow nervously, your throat suddenly feeling dry. Your heart races with anticipation as he finally opens the door.

Fuck. He’s shirtless with only a pair of sweatpants on. Your eyes trail down subconsciously before you blink and look back up to his face. Is he wearing underwear?

“Hello,” He says, his grin foxlike. “I can’t sleep. Can we talk?” You ask, your voice shaky. You curse yourself for sounding nervous. He crosses his arms and raises his eyebrows. “Talk about what?” He questions.

You pause, unsure of what to say next. What were you going to talk about? He would deny any feelings towards you, so what was the point of even coming here?

“Just let me in, please.” You step forward and avoid his gaze. He steps to the side wordlessly, opening the door further to let you into his room.

You breathe in the familiar scent of that candle he’s always burning, and the scent of his cologne. It’s musky and spicy, with notes of vanilla. You tried to memorize it everytime you were close to him. You walk over to his bed and sit down on the edge, looking up at him as he closes the door behind him.

“Can I have a cigarette?” You ask, pointing to the pack sitting on his bedside table. He nods, and you carefully take one. He hands you the lighter.

He stares down at you as you light the cigarette, taking a drag from it. He chuckles to himself and you exhale, furrowing your eyebrows. “What’s funny?”

“You always said you hated the smell. Yet here you are, asking me for a cigarette,” He replies with a scoff. “Maybe you’re just a bad influence,” You shoot back, and his smile slightly fades.

You can see his eyes traveling down your body, lingering on your thighs and your bare legs. You had outgrown these sleep shorts, but you never cared because you figured no one would see you in them. Well, there goes that.

“Are we not going to talk about the other night?” You mutter. “What’s there to talk about?” He replies, and you roll your eyes. “Are you-” You pause and let out a frustrated breath. “Are you serious?” You exclaim angrily.

“You can’t blame it on being drunk this time, Farleigh.” You tell him, and he freezes, his gaze faltering downwards.

“Can we not talk about that? Let’s just…” He sighs with exasperation and sits next to you. You turn away from him, looking out the window. You decide not to press the issue, since it’s apparently too much for him to think about right now. Honestly, you aren’t even able to fully process what’s been going on between you two.

“Let’s just… talk,” He says finally, and you face him again, exhaling a small cloud of smoke. “Okay.” You shrug. It’s what you both do best: Talking. About anything and everything, despite the strange history of your relationship. You guessed that it was because you had known each other for so long, that it just came naturally. He’s just… real. He’s never pretending or putting on a façade, at least around you he’s not. Around the Cattons, he has to, because to them he’s just the wild child, the comedic relief, the American. You feel like you are the only one that gets to see the real Farleigh, and it feels like a privilege. But you know that’s not true, and you choose to believe it anyway.

“So… Our third year at Oxford,” Farleigh says. You let out a breath and raise your eyebrows. “Can’t believe it’s already been two years,” You both smile, thinking of all the good and bad memories you’ve made so far during your years at university.

“Can I be honest?” You ask, and he nods. “I’m scared.” You say simply. His eyebrows knit together. “Of what?” He replies. “Graduating. You know, I’ll probably go to graduate school or something, but I need to start making my own money. Get a job. Do adult things,” You sigh just at the thought of all the responsibilities. “I can’t be on a scholarship forever. Or have my parents pay forever,” You continue, shaking your head. “I’m putting them through enough as it is.”

Farleigh nods again with a look of understanding. “I might go back to the states. See my mom, maybe stay there for a while.” He says. You can’t help but feel a little sad at the thought of him being away for so long. You hate to admit it, but you would miss him.

“But we don’t have to worry about that right now. You’re too uptight. Let yourself have fun,” He nudges you softly. “I’m trying,” You mutter. “Well, you’re smoking. That’s one step closer,” He laughs a bit and you roll your eyes.

It goes quiet and you stare down into your lap. You can feel his eyes on you, and your heart begins to race with anticipation. That familiar tension returns in the air between you and Farleigh.

You look up slightly, his eyes meeting with yours. Your stomach churns as you look down to see his hand inching towards your thigh, eventually resting on top of it. “I know why you came here,” He says, his voice lowered.

You look back up to him. “What?” You whisper. “Don’t play dumb,” He shakes his head. “I’m not.” You reply, trying hard not to break the intense eye contact.

You gulp nervously and finally look away, your face giving you away and burning red. “Hmm,” He hums, his thumb brushing across your thigh. You try to distract yourself by pressing the cigarette out on the ashtray on his bedside table, watching the little flame burn out.

He gently reaches up and grabs your chin, tilting your head back towards him. He drags his thumb down your bottom lip as you stare into his eyes. He grins slightly before moving his hand to cup your cheek, leaning in closer until your noses brush together. You know you shouldn’t be doing this. You know Farleigh is emotionally unavailable and toxic, and he won’t ever discuss his feelings or yours. But you can’t help but melt into the kiss, his touch, his aura. It’s like he’s magnetic, pulling you in everytime you try to pull away.

Somehow, every single time he kisses you, it’s better than the first time. Your tongues intertwine as your lips move in a perfect rhythm while both of you fall back onto his bed clumsily. One of his hands tangles in your hair, and the one that was resting on your leg moves up to rest on your waist, his fingers caressing your bare skin due to your tank top riding up. He eventually shifts his position so that he’s on top of you, and you turn to lay on your back underneath him.

His kisses begin to move down to your jawline, then your neck. He sucks and licks your skin so cruelly, but you don’t want him to stop. You breathe in the scent of his hair, his curls tickling your face, and you can already feel yourself becoming weak again.

You feel his hands start to trail down your body, resting on your hips, as he moves down the bed and you peer down to see him looking up at you from between your legs. Feverish heat burns across your skin just at the sight of it.

“Wait, wait. I’ve never-“ You start, suddenly feeling nervous. “It’s okay,” Farleigh replies, his eyes soft and warm as he gazes up at you. “Just relax,” He murmurs, gently pulling down your shorts and panties at the same time, shuffling them off your legs.

Just relax, you think. Easier said than done. You’ve pictured this moment so many times in the past few days, and you can’t believe it’s becoming reality.

And of all the times you’ve fantasized about this, none of them could ever do Farleigh’s beauty justice. His dark eyes are shining with something of lust and hunger, his plush lips slightly parted and his shoulders broad and golden. His curly hair is only slightly wet from his shower earlier, yet still perfectly coiled.

He looks up at you, trying to convey something through his gaze. “So pretty,” He mutters, tracing a finger along your thigh. Your breath catches in your throat and you feel your stomach fluttering already.

He lifts your legs up and places them over his shoulders. Your heart pounds in anticipation and you can hear yourself breathing among the silence.

Farleigh leans down and presses a few kisses along your inner thigh, and you don’t know how much longer you can stand his teasing. You watch him gaze up at you through his lashes as he dips a finger into your wetness and you see the smirk that tugs at his lips. He raises his eyebrows at you and your face turns red. “Stop,” You cover your face with both hands, your stomach doing flips. You can’t handle how perfect he looks right now, even as he teases you for how soaked you are already.

“Hey, look at me,” He says, his deep voice vibrating against your skin. You let your hands fall back to your sides, smiling shyly. His expression turns more serious as he furrows his brows, slipping his finger inside of you. He moans before you even can, his head falling against your thigh.

That familiar stretch around his finger has your mind reeling as you throw your head back. He pulls it out and you whimper at the loss, until you feel his middle and ring finger on your clit. Your hands instinctively move to grasp the sheets as he strokes your bundle of nerves perfectly, letting your head fall back down to watch him. He continues to maintain eye contact and it makes you so weak.

Your brain almost turns to mush as you see him leaning down, his head buried between your legs. A moan louder than you intended leaves your mouth as you feel his tongue greedily licking a stripe up your pussy.

“Shit,” You huff, your chest heaving up and down. No one had ever given you head before, until now, so you didn’t really understand your girlfriends when they would tell you how amazing it felt. But now, you completely get it. His tongue moves in long, slow strokes and his pretty nose nudges perfectly against your clit.

He barely lifts his head so he can stare up at you to watch your reaction. You grind up against his face, your hand reaching down to grab a handful of his curls. He groans at the feeling before inserting a finger again, moving at the perfect pace along with his tongue. The combination is enough to make your legs shake. The lewd sounds of him lapping up your cum and both of your wanton moans echo throughout his room.

“Farleigh!” You almost scream his name before letting out a long, drawn out moan. He glances up at you once more, his pupils huge with lust. He moans against you as he absolutely devours you, adding a second finger in. His long fingers brush against that divine spot inside of you and you whimper helplessly, your other hand gripping his sheets as if it could help ground you somehow. That delicious heat builds in the base of your stomach, spreading like a fire.

“I’m gonna-“ You gasp for air, your chest heaving up and down. His eyes are half-lidded and he seems completely lost in the moment, just absolutely pussy drunk. “Let go,” He says, his voice deep and raspy.

And you do exactly that. The pleasure shoots through your veins like a drug, your grasp in his hair tightening and your hips rolling as you ride it out. You eventually come down from your high, letting your legs drop from his shoulders as you let out a shaky sigh, your heart still pounding against your ribs.

“Fuckk,” You breathe out, resting your head against the pillow. Farleigh crawls over you, leaning down to kiss you. The lower half of his face is covered in your slick, but you couldn’t care less. He kisses you passionately, desperately, groaning into your mouth. You can taste yourself on his lips and his tongue, and it just turns you on even more.

He pulls away, his lips hovering over yours. You look up at him and suddenly feel an indescribable desire wash over you as you stare into his deep brown eyes. It’s like you can’t get close enough to him, like you need more than everything he’s already given you. You want him inside of you. You want to feel every part of him. You want him to feel every part of you.

“Farleigh,” You whisper, reaching up to touch his face. “What is it?” He whispers back, lightly touching your own face.

“I want you,” You say. You don’t care how stupid you sound right now. This carnal desire has completely taken over you.

“In what way?” He replies, smirking smugly. “I think you know which way I mean,” You mutter. You don’t have time for his teasing, although you love it.

His expression softens and he seems to understand what you mean. “Please, I need you,” You can’t believe you’re begging for Farleigh of all people right now. You know you’ll be regretting it later. His eyes widen and he seems shocked by your confession.

“Far…” You whisper, tracing your finger along his lips. He opens his mouth to speak, hesitating slightly.

“Do you know what you do to me?” He asks, his voice soft. You look up at him and tilt your head. He takes your hand and guides it down below his waist while still looking down at you. You gasp softly when you feel that his dick is so hard underneath his sweatpants. It has to be painful. You slowly rub your hand against him and his eyebrows draw together as he stutters slightly, and it almost looks like he’s in pain.

“Baby-“ Farleigh whimpers. “Please,” You beg once again, and he nods, quickly taking his pants off and throwing them somewhere on the floor of his bedroom. You look down at his dick, and you have to keep your jaw from dropping.

It’s definitely the biggest you’ve seen, and although you haven’t seen many in your lifetime, you know he would be considered above average. It’s long, with a bit of girth to it, veiny and already leaking precum from the tip. You feel yourself starting to get nervous. You aren’t sure if you could even take all of it, but hell, you’re going to try. You hope he didn’t pick up on your reaction, because you know he would tease you over it.

He places his hands on either side of your head and leans down onto his elbows. He never takes his eyes off yours as he positions himself. You wrap your legs around his waist, letting your ankles rest on his back.

He slowly begins to slide in, and you grunt quietly at the pain. He goes a bit deeper before you panic and place a hand on his lower stomach, stopping him. “I can’t-“ You wince in pain.

“Yes, you can. You can take it,” He nods and brushes the side of your face with his fingers. He takes your hand off of his stomach gently and places your arm back onto the bed. You nod in an attempt to encourage yourself, gritting your teeth to withstand the pain. You reach up to his shoulders, resting your hands on his shoulder blades, trying to keep your nails from digging into his skin as you hold onto him.

“Fuck,” Farleigh grunts as your walls grip him tightly, sucking him in. Eventually he’s buried inside of you to the hilt, and you can feel every inch of him. You’re still trying to adjust to his size, and the pain is slowly subsiding as he groans and drops his head and closes his eyes. You press your hips up against his, trying to get him to start moving. “Far,” You mutter. You can tell he’s trying to hold back. He breathes heavily and opens his eyes again, gazing into yours.

“I’m ready,” You whisper. His eyebrows knit together as he rolls his hips slowly, causing your eyes to roll back and drawing a short moan out of you. He shudders, slightly pulling out of you before thrusting back in. You wonder how he’s so good at this as your nails dig crescent moons into his back with each slow thrust and roll of his hips. Your mouth falls open and you try to be quieter but it’s no use.

He buries his head into the crook of your neck, his curls tickling your face. He’s whimpering and moaning your name and other incoherent nonsense right into your ear. He sets a beautiful rhythm, his bed creaking underneath you as you sink into the plush of the mattress. You think you hear the headboard hitting the wall but you don’t care about the loud sounds you two are creating. You just don’t want this moment to end.

He looks back up to you and you can see he’s already fucked out. His eyes are even more glazed over than before and sex sweat forms on his brow. He whimpers helplessly and pants heavily. “You’re so good,” He breathes. “So, so good,” You could probably cum just from his words alone.

You let out a wanton moan as he hits that spot again, deep inside of you. “Oh, fuck!” You gasp and claw at his shoulders. He drops his head again, kissing your neck as he thrusts into you faster and deeper each time, hitting your spot over and over once he’s found it.

“Yeah, that’s it,” He groans against your neck and you feel tears brimming in your eyes. “Farleigh- It’s-“ You can’t seem to form words, your brain turned to sizzling hot liquid. “I know, I know,” He whimpers, his voice slightly higher pitched and breathless. You try to hold on longer, but you’re already coming undone as your orgasm hits you sooner than you expected. Your body stills and you clench even harder around him. He moans, that pained expression crossing his face once again. “Oh God,” He chokes out, his thrusts beginning to become less steady.

“Where should I-“ Farleigh pants. “Inside,” You tell him. You’re on birth control, but you don’t have the mental capacity to explain that to him or explain why. His hips stutter and he stiffens, finishing inside of you, the warm feeling spreading throughout your lower stomach. He collapses on top of you, his head on your chest, resting on the soft fabric of your shirt.

You’re already sleepy and physically exhausted from what just took place. You breathe in his scent one more time and let out a sigh, staring up at the ceiling and trying to process what you just did. Then he’s wrapping his arms around you gently before pulling out of you slowly. You grunt a bit, feeling a dull ache between your legs, but you can’t help but miss the feeling of him inside of you.

He adjusts the both of you so that you’re both laying on your side, allowing you to stretch out a bit and cuddle up to him, tucking your head in the crook of his neck. He holds you, and for a moment, it feels like a real relationship. Something you had never experienced. Something deep. Something real. And then you remember that it’s not. After this, he will go back to avoiding you and acting like he can’t stand you. You just wish that he would put his pride away and admit to you what he really feels. But what does he really feel? Are you stupid for thinking that there’s something here?

Farleigh strokes his fingers through your hair, brushing away some of the strands plastered onto your forehead by your sweat. He seems to notice your silence.

“You’re thinking too much,” He says, his voice beautifully hoarse. You sigh, relaxing your shoulders. “Am I?” You reply, your voice weaker than you thought it would be.

“Just sleep here tonight,” He mutters, resting his chin on top of your head. You so badly want to ask him to be serious and have an actual conversation with you about your… relationship.

“Okay… but we need to talk about this,” You respond quietly. He sighs and shifts a bit, careful not to move you too much. “We can in the morning,” He says, but you know that won’t happen. You’ll just have to settle for no answers to your questions for the time being.

You curl up closer to him and let your eyes close, breathing slowly and peacefully. “Goodnight,” You murmur. “Night,” He replies, sounding just as tired as you are. You drift off to sleep in Farleigh Start’s arms.

ONE YEAR EARLIER

You were usually on okay terms with Farleigh. But you remember exactly when the dislike turned into hatred.

It was right before end of term exams and Felix convinced you to go to the pub to blow off some steam and relax after all your revising. You reluctantly agreed, then regret your decision when you saw Farleigh and Sasha there.

It was pretty far into the evening and you were beginning to get sleepy. You had spaced out for a moment, staring out the window and watching the snow fall before you heard something that peaked your interest.

“I mean, Felix, you have got to settle down,” Farleigh chuckled and nudged Sasha, pointing his cigarette at Felix.

Felix grinned stupidly and shrugged. “Listen, mate. I’ve tried.” Some other friends of his joined in with the laughter.

You sat up and leaned forward, facing Farleigh. “You’re one to comment on relationships,” You said, raising an eyebrow. Everyone else sort of quieted down after hearing your words.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Farleigh rolled his eyes at you and Sasha just glared. “You and Sasha. You’re dysfunctional.” You responded, unafraid to challenge him.

“Excuse me?” Sasha looked at you like you just committed a hate crime. “Yeah. He cheats on you, you cheat on him, you get back together, blah blah blah.” You took a sip of your beer and shrugged. “It’s gone on for almost a year now. It’s exhausting,”

Farleigh chuckled. “Ohh, you want to come after my relationship?” He smirked as if he was cooking up a plan in his mind of how to humiliate you best.

“Well, I bet you would like everyone to know that you lost your virginity to Joshua Brown,” Farleigh said, loud enough for even people from other tables to hear. A small chorus of gasps echoed across the room.

“You’re desperate, easy, and sloppy. You take anyone who wants you. I guess that’s what happens when you get no attention before you go to college, hm?” He just kept going, and the whole room went silent

“I’ve seen you walk out of so many dorms at six in the morning, it’s insane. You can’t even keep a fucking man,” Farleigh’s tone was harsher and colder than you’d ever heard before. Felix was staring at you in shock and Sasha was giving you that judgemental look.

You looked around to see all the pairs of eyes on you. “Fucking hell, Farleigh,” Felix muttered, shaking his head at him.

You stood up and grabbed your bag hastily, storming out of the pub with tears in your eyes. Why was he such a bitch? Why did he hate you?

Your reputation was officially ruined. All that time, he never told anyone about your situation with Joshua. Until now. He was doing so well. The whole class thought you were an innocent and pure, high achieving student, and now what would they think? You wish you didn’t care so much about how others perceive you, but you do.

You hated Farleigh. You hated him for ruining your reputation and your image. It was impossible to get him back or do something worse, since basically everyone knew he was a slut. But he got praised for it.

Ever since that night at the pub, other students would look at you sideways and whisper things about you as if you couldn’t hear them.

Fuck you, Farleigh. You decided you were officially done with him and your weird friendship. Even if that meant having to avoid him at every cost.

taglist: @isla-finke-blog @ibimbogrl @drunkmysticsquirrel @alonia-olivia @novemilady @saltburnsworld @florkt @i-love-ptv

Farleigh about oliver to literally anyone that would listen

Farleigh being disgusted at everything happening in front of him

You and I Walk a Fragile Line - Farleigh Start x F!Reader - Part 7

a/n: hey y’all!! im finally back yayyy and ready to serve you guys some hot and fresh ANGST. i would like to apologize in advance, this chapter is kind of rough. part 8 will most likely be the last part of this series 😭😭 pls give suggestions for what i should write next, like should i start doing oneshots or start a new series, and should i write for a new character??? just send it to my asks!!! anyways enjoyyyy ily all so much thank you for the kind words and love! ❤️❤️

word count: 4k words

warnings: fem reader, language, mentions of sex, alcohol, smoking, ANGST, fluff for like one second, suggestive stuff, farleigh is a bitch but so is reader, not proofread

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You wake slowly, your eyelids heavy with sleep. You feel an arm wrapped around your waist and warmth enveloping you. Sunlight creeps into the room, bathing the walls in golden light. Memories of last night start coming back to you in waves.

You tilt your head up slightly, seeing Farleigh sleeping peacefully. His long lashes flattened across his closed eyelids, his chest rising and falling slowly, completely relaxed in his deep sleep.

If someone would have told you a year ago you would be waking up next to Farleigh, you would have laughed in their face. It’s surreal. And yet you can’t complain as you watch the beautiful, serene expression on his face.

You shift, sitting up slowly, careful not to wake him. You both barely fit in his bed. You wonder how you managed not to fall off of it during the night.

He stirs a bit in his sleep and stretches out the arm that was flung over your waist. He groans softly and his eyes flutter open as you pull up the duvet to cover the lower half of your body.

“Morning,” He mutters, blinking away the sleep, his voice husky. “Hey,” You awkwardly reply, noticing that your own voice is a bit weak. You notice the dull pain in your lower back as you sit upright, and you grimace.

Farleigh just stares at you blankly, and you stare right back. You aren’t sure what to do or say in this situation, when the person you’ve always claimed to hate just gave you the best night of your life.

You reach a hand around to your back and rub it softly, trying to soothe the pain. He raises an eyebrow, and you can tell one of those smug remarks is forming on the tip of his tongue.

“Are you sore?” He asks, a smirk playing on his lips as he rolls onto his back. He raises his arms behind his head and watches you with intrigue.

“No,” You lie, shaking your head. “No?” His smirk only grows and you glance away. “Maybe.” You say softly.

Your gaze trails down to his stomach and his waist, the duvet covering the rest of him. You look back up to his face, and you can see him eyeing your body with a look of hunger.

Nope. “Okay, we need to figure this out,” You start, trying to push the horny thoughts out of your mind. Farleigh sighs and rolls back onto his side, facing you.

“What’s there to figure out?” He asks, making it sound so simple. You stare at him blankly and blink a few times.

“Are you- Oh my God,” You hold your head in your hands.

“You’re overcomplicating this. We hooked up. Are you familiar with that term?” He pokes you in the side and you bat his hand away.

“Shut up,” You roll your eyes. “Farleigh. It means something when you have sex with someone, okay?” You explain matter-of-factly. He goes quiet.

“I thought you would be mature enough to realize that,” You shake your head and chuckle at your own apparent stupidity.

“For you it might have meant something,” He replies coldly. “But for me, maybe it didn’t.”

You turn back to him, genuinely taken aback by his comment. Why did it feel so special to you? You think back to last night. It was so intimate. It didn’t feel like just another hook up. He made it feel like your first time, and he’s saying that it didn’t mean anything to him??

“Right, because you just get passed around, so it all starts to feel the same at some point,” You fire back. His eyes turn dark.

“Wow, fuck you too,” He says under his breath. “You’re just like everyone else. You’re just fucking shallow, not capable of seeing someone as more than just a hole,” You reply, your voice seething with anger as you climb off the bed and go to search for your clothes on the floor.

“Jesus, that’s not true,” Farleigh exclaims, but you shake your head as you step into your underwear and your shorts.

He sits up and watches you walk to the door once you’re dressed. You open it and turn back to look at him one more time before shutting it behind you.

You don’t realize the tears pooling in your eyes until you’re alone in the hallway. You begin the walk back to your room, ignoring the fact that your legs are a bit unsteady and your back still aches.

Are you just being a stupid, delusional girl who caught feelings for someone after a one night stand? You could usually just leave someone's room after sleeping with them and never speak to them again back at Oxford, but with Farleigh, it’s different. You wanted it to mean something. You try to push down your feelings and forget about last night, but it’s nearly impossible. All you can do is try your best to ignore him.

The past three nights, there’s been a pattern. You and Farleigh ignore each other the whole day, avoid each other at all costs, and then late at night when no one else is awake, he leaves his door open for you and you creep into his room, which eventually leads to you two fucking or doing something of the sort.

Of course, you two never talked anything out or solved any problems. You don’t know why you went back to him. You were trying to be nonchalant and independent, but you obviously failed at that. You want to hate him, but your craving for his touch and his body overrides all of your logical judgment.

And every night you tell yourself that it’s the last time. But you just keep coming back for more and he welcomes you with open arms.

Tonight at dinner, you act like he’s not there at all, like a ghost is in his place, and he does the same. You don’t even glance in each other's direction.

“So, the party is tomorrow night. Your friend is arriving during the day, correct?” Elspeth glances at you and you nod in response.

“Yes. She’s just taking the train and then getting a cab, I think.” You take a nibble of your bread.

“Remind me of her name again, darling,” Elspeth asks. “Oh, it’s Lola.” You smile and she presses a hand to her chest. “Oh, I love that name. So beautiful.”

Felix clears his throat. “I didn’t know you were inviting Lola,” He says. You look over to him and it seems that he is pleased with this information.

“Yeah. Sorry, I forgot to tell you,” You pat him on the shoulder. Farleigh sighs loudly and your eyes dart over to him before returning to Felix.

“It’s alright. I quite like Lola,” He smiles and you grin, thinking of how happy Lola will be to hear this information.

“Because you fucked her?” Farleigh says abruptly and Elspeth coughs. “Farleigh,” Sir James hisses.

“Jesus Christ, mate,” Felix shakes his head and looks down.

You awkwardly sit there in the silence, eyeing Farleigh from across the table. “No, I like Lola because she’s kind, funny.. She’s smart, too,” Felix finally says.

“Whatever,” Farleigh rolls his eyes and you can’t help but snicker. What’s his problem?

“You should ask Lola out. I think she really likes you, too.” You nudge him and lower your voice as a different conversation begins at the table.

“Does she?” He raises his eyebrows and his eyes light up. “Felix, she’s had a crush on you since like… our first year,” You explain. His face turns a red shade.

It’s weird to see Felix be so nervous over a girl. To him, all girls are the same, just little accessories for him to show off. But maybe Lola was an exception, the one girl he might actually care about.

“Well, I look forward to seeing her.” You can see that his smile doesn’t fade even after your conversation ends.

Later that night, you end up in Farleigh’s bed, sticking to the usual routine. You snuck into his room at one in the morning, which was the time you found everyone else was already asleep. Now you could guess that it’s maybe around two as you lay next to him, your naked body covered by the expensive sheets, staring up at the ceiling.

“You don’t think anybody could hear us, right?” You ask softly. The last thing you need is for Felix or, really, any one of the Cattons to find out about you and Farleigh’s situationship.

“Don’t you think it’s a bit late to be asking that?” You look up to see that stupid smirk. His face is illuminated by a slice of moonlight streaming in through the window, and he looks angelic. You can see the gold flecks in his eyes. He has a point, since you two have been doing this for four nights now.

“They definitely did. But no one has said anything yet,” He sighs and wraps an arm around you, pulling you closer to him. You smile at the feeling of his skin against yours and close your eyes.

“Do you think Felix would be mad?” You ask. He plays with a strand of your hair, threading it through his fingers slowly. “Why would he be?” He questions.

“Cause we’re best friends and you’re his cousin,” You explain, wondering why it isn’t obvious to him.

He tilts his head down to you. “Best friends?” He raises an eyebrow and you roll your eyes. “I don’t know.” You shrug. You assume he’s referring to you and Felix’s little fight.

“Did he really say those things about me?” You ask, sitting up slightly. “You ask a lot of questions,” He groans.

“No, answer me,” You respond while narrowing your eyes. “I might have… made some of it up?” He trails off, his tone making it almost sound like a question. You grab a pillow quickly and hit him over the head with it.

“Farleigh! You little shit!” He shields his face with his hands and laughs. “It’s not funny,” You sit back and cross your arms. He finally peeks out from behind his hands and shrugs. “I mean, was I wrong? He said it eventually, I just sped up the process,” He bites his lip to keep back a grin, but you see it in his eyes.

“Whatever.” You shake your head before laying back down.

“If it makes you feel any better, I only said that stuff because I know how it feels,” Farleigh says, his voice softer than before. “After all these years, I’ve figured out how he thinks. How they all think,” He explains.

You tilt your head as he continues. “They pity me. They only keep me around because they feel bad for me and everything that happened with my mom,” You feel a pang in your chest. You always knew this, but you still feel bad for Farleigh. In a way, you can relate.

“Just look around. I don’t fit in. But I try to,” The room falls silent and all you hear is both of your breathing.

“I’m sorry,” You whisper. He shakes his head. “It’s fine. What I’m trying to say is, I understand you.” He says it almost hesitantly, and you know it’s because he’s not used to being vulnerable with anyone.

“Thank you,” You take his hand in yours and squeeze it gently. He looks down at your hand and then back up at you, and you can see the gears turning in his head. Then, he withdraws his hand and turns over. “Goodnight,” He mutters.

You sigh and turn over so your back is to his. Why does he do that? It’s like he can’t make up his mind. Does he want to be vulnerable or does he want to pretend that he’s emotionless?

It’s a big turn out at the party, as per usual. You recognize a few people from college, mostly Felix’s friends. Everyone else is most likely family friends of the Cattons or at least acquaintances. You can’t even comprehend how one could invite so many people to a party. You’re not even sure you could name twenty friends off the top of your head.

You and Lola step outside, navigating through the large throng of people, gently shoving past and muttering the occasional ‘excuse me!’ ever so often. She arrived earlier today, shortly after lunch, and was greeted warmly by Elspeth and the rest of the family. Elspeth called her beautiful several times and seemed to really enjoy Lola’s company. Felix was hanging around them, joining the conversation every now and then, and you noticed how Lola’s face burned a deep red shade everytime they made eye contact with each other. You told Lola about Felix’s little crush on her, and she started jumping and giggling like a schoolgirl. She couldn’t believe it.

You inhale the fresh air, no longer trapped among the crowd of sweaty, writhing bodies inside. There are still many people outside, but less concentrated. Some people lay on the grass, while others stand and take sips of their drinks, as the footmen pace around, carrying platters of various cocktails, wines, and hors d'oeuvres. You glance around, taking in the dark landscape colored by large torches of fire and glitters of sparkly dresses catching in the neon lights.

“Wow. This looks like a movie,” Lola grins and looks around. “They really know how to throw a party,” She remarks. You nod in agreement. “They do, don’t they?”

She pauses and squints while glancing about. “Have you seen Felix?” She asks. You knew the question was coming. You raise an eyebrow and shake your head. “No. I bet he’ll turn up at some point, though.”

You both sit down on a nearby bench, peacefully observing the scenery. Lola turns to you. “Hey, you know who I think you would be cute with?” She nudges you with her arm and you sigh, preparing yourself for what she’s going to say. “Who?” You ask.

“Farleigh.” She says. You swallow nervously, attempting not to show whatever reaction you’re having to his name. “Oh. Umm, no.” You shake your head aggressively and she laughs. You can feel your face heating up and you curse internally. “Why are you getting so flustered?” She quirks an eyebrow and narrows her eyes suspiciously.

“I’m not,” You quickly look away, turning your face away from her. “Dude, the chemistry you two have is insane.” Lola whistles and you turn back to her. “He’s annoying,” You roll your eyes, half faking your disdain.

“You know, I’ve never told you this, but I feel obligated to now,” She scoots closer to you, and your curiosity peaks. “Hm?”

“So, back in… When was it? First year, first term. Oxford. Farleigh came by our dorm once, and he seemed very… concerned.” She begins, and she seems concentrated on recalling all the details. You don’t know where this is going.

“It was a Sunday morning, so of course we had gone out the night before. When he couldn’t find you anywhere, he walked all the way to our dorm, which is, mind you, on the other side of the campus from where he lived at the time.” She explains. Your eyebrows knit together in confusion. “Why was he looking for me?” You question.

“I don’t know. That’s the thing. He wouldn’t really tell me much, he was just asking if you had come home after the club. Which you hadn’t yet, so I told him no. He just seemed very worried for someone who claimed to hate you so much,” Lola laughs quietly to herself and plays with a piece of her hair.

“Oh.” You look down at your lap and process the information Lola has just given you. “I think he cares about you more than he lets on,” She tells you with a lowered voice and another playful nudge.

Felix spots the two of you from a distance and waves, jogging over. He smiles and dips his head to Lola, then to you.

“Hello, you two. Looking stunning tonight,” He observes your dresses, but especially Lola’s. His eyes linger on her for a second too long, and you notice.

“Why thank you,” You reply politely, raising your glass of wine to him before taking a sip. “Is that one of Venetia’s dresses?” Felix gestures to your elegant black dress. “Yes. She let me borrow it,” You answer. “Well, it looks great on you,” He nods and smiles.

“Lola, would you like to walk with me?” He asks, turning to Lola. She nods quickly, eagerly. “Yes, please. Let’s go,” She gives you an excited glance as she steps forward, Felix taking her hand in his, and they walk off together. You watch with envy. Although you claim to not want a boyfriend, it would still be nice to not be left alone at parties.

Sometime later, you find yourself in a pleasant conversation with a man by the name of Damien. He seems kind and genuine, and he’s actually interesting. He has a personality, surprisingly, and good humor. You both stand by the staircase, chatting it up and discussing all things school and personal life. Although Farleigh is at the back of your mind, and you haven’t seen him all night, you try not to care. You know that you aren’t actually in a relationship with him, so you can talk to all the men you want.

“Yeah, and that’s what I told them. You have to look at it from a different perspective. That’s what philosophy is all about, really.” Damien explains, and you nod enthusiastically. “Right. Exactly,” You suddenly feel a presence behind you and then a strong grasp on your arm.

“I’m so sorry man, she’s had way too much to drink tonight. I should probably help her up to bed.” You hear Farleigh’s voice and you turn to look up at him. The fuck is he doing? You’ve had a whopping total of one drink tonight, a single glass of red wine. What is he on about?

Damien raises his eyebrows. “She seems fine to me, mate.” He tilts his head and glances back and forth between you and Farleigh. You can’t help but notice he’s significantly shorter than Farleigh.

“She’s not, but thank you! Have a good night,” Farleigh replies with a bit of sass in his voice as he drags you away, causing you to stumble after him as he leads you up the stairs. Damien watches you two leave with a puzzled expression.

“What the fuck are you doing?” You hiss angrily, some people side eyeing you as you pass by. “Saving you from that boring conversation,” He replies, eventually pushing open a door to one of the guest rooms and walking in. He closes the door behind him.

“I was actually enjoying that. And I’ve only had one drink tonight, for the record.” You escape out of his grasp and step away from him. He crosses his arms and leans against the wall, looking down at you.

“Enjoying what? His knowledge about philosophy?” He scoffs and shakes his head. “At least he’s smart enough to talk about philosophy rather than the latest gossip or his most recent hook up,” You scowl back at him.

“And his outfit. He clearly has no knowledge on fashion,” He chuckles and sighs shortly after. You don’t laugh.

“What do you want from me?” You question, narrowing your eyes. “Nothing.” He shrugs nonchalantly.

Realization clicks in your head as a smile tugs at your lips. “You’re jealous, aren’t you?” You say. He freezes and you know you’ve just read him like a book. “Farleigh Start is jealous,” You say in a sing song voice and his gaze falters down to the floor. “Shut up,” He groans.

“You avoid me all day, all evening, and then you want me when it’s convenient for you, but you don’t want me to speak to another man?” You feel yourself getting more and more heated with rage with each word. You feel all the emotions you buried coming to the surface. “And not only that, you’re just emotionally unavailable! All you care about is–” You huff angrily, dropping your hands to your side.

“You can’t have it both ways. Make up your fucking mind.” You watch as his eyes widen at your words. “I’m not playing your stupid games anymore, Farleigh. Either decide what you want or leave me the fuck alone.” Your harsh words hang in the air between you and you let out a breath, looking down towards the ground. Lola’s words from earlier linger in your head and it makes you even more confused.

“I mean, am I stupid for thinking we had something?” You ask, throwing your hands up and looking at him expectantly. “Yes.” He replies flatly. You’ve never felt the urge to slap him across his face as strong as right now. “We were never a thing. Not even a concept. We never will be.” He says, resting his head back on the wall.

“So you just used me for my body? Is that all you wanted?” Your heart races with fury. He can’t even look you in the eye as you talk, he continues to look down at the wooden floor. “I hate you,” The words escape your lips before you can think about it. Suddenly, his eyes flick back to yours and he scoffs.

“You don’t hate me when I’m inside you,” He remarks smugly, a grin on his face despite the serious situation. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” You exclaim angrily after registering his response.

You decide to go back to the door, and just as you’re about to turn the knob, he speaks.

“You know what I think?” Farleigh says, his voice dark and cold, and you can already tell he is about to say something ruthless. “What? Please, tell me.” You turn around to face him, your vision blurry with tears.

“I think that you’re a slut who finally got the attention she wanted, and then when a whole relationship didn’t come with it, she blames everyone except for herself.” He takes a step closer to you, attempting to assert dominance with his height. He leans down as he lowers his voice, his dark eyes intense and cold. “But it is her fault, because she expects a fucking fairytale romance, but she’ll never get it, because those don’t exist. But she’s happy to play along and get fucked like the dumb slut she is.”

You think that you actually stop breathing for a second. His words slice through you like cold knives and his gaze pierces into yours. You inhale shakily and raise your finger, pointing at him.

“You’re a piece of shit, Farleigh. I wish we never met,” You blink and the tears overflow, streaming down your cheeks. White hot hatred built up over the years pours out of you and into your voice. He seems taken aback by your words as regret and guilt swim in his eyes. He remains silent as you twist the doorknob, swing the door open, walk out, then promptly slam it behind you.

You walk to your bedroom as fast as you can, trying to avoid the glances and whispers as you pass by. You’re sure you look a mess, you can feel the mascara streaking down your face with every tear that drops from your eyes. You open the door to your room, hoping to not find a random couple fucking on your bed. Luckily, it’s completely empty as you step inside and close the door behind you, locking it.

You try to tune out the loud bass echoing throughout the walls as you climb onto your bed, helplessly sobbing with your head in your hands. You want to text Lola, but you know she’s probably having fun with Felix. You wonder if Venetia has her phone on her. Nevermind, you think. It’s probably best to just suffer on your own and let everyone else enjoy themselves tonight.

It’s not like you can tell anyone about what’s happening. No one is even supposed to know about you and Farleigh. How are you going to survive the rest of the summer with him around at all times? You know you can avoid him. It’s just going to be difficult. But you’re willing to do whatever it takes because that was the last straw for you. It’s really over this time, and you promise yourself you won’t fall back into his trap.

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