Sometimes I Sit And Think About The Fact That I Will Push Friends Away From Me For No Reason,, Or Break

sometimes i sit and think about the fact that i will push friends away from me for no reason,, or break up with people before a year ever hits just because im scared of something

and u know what

now that im sitting here thinking about everything..... i might be mentally fucked because of shit ive dealt with over the years

im like,,, terrified to let people get too close, so i cover shit up with mean words and try and block and run and hide, or do whatever i can to just... impulsively forget and move on 

i grew up with suicidal tendencies and thoughts, and being yelled at over every little thing. im NEVER hugged, not unless im breaking down and already broken and the damage is there 

every bit of praise or love ive ever been given usually has some sort of hidden shit to it. whether it be guilt, or some sort of backwards insult that just takes the whole meaning away, or that for now the love is there, but later it’ll just be used against me over something petty to keep me around and make me miserable on top of it.

theres always been dual meanings to everything i’ve dealt with at home, and i’ll find myself reading way too deeply into little things with my non-familial relationships and then i become distant, or moody, or something else happens and something gets fucked up

and then when everything is said and done, im left sitting there with all my friends blocked, all my socials deleted, and this awful feeling still sitting in my gut, because tbh NONE of that actually helps, but it’s all i know to do, because one hand. i want the help.. i want people to know that i dont mean this shit, im just scared,, but on the other, i dont want people thinking bad of me. or telling me that using my abusive parents as an excuse isnt ok.

and i get it... its not. because at the end of the day, my parents never make my choices. i do. but it sure as hell would help me out if i just had normal, loving parents at the end of every day.... people who wouldnt make me overthink and anxious and bring me to tears every fucking night over shit that isnt even worth it really.

i hate being the way i am. i hate not knowing how my parents are gonna feel every day, or how *I’M* gonna feel from day to day because of them, or because of the mental illnesses

i want to be better, i dont want to ruin more relationships.... i hate hurting people just because im hurt and i dont know how to fucking function properly as a person with feelings anymore

i want to let people in... i want people to stay around with me for years instead of weeks,,,,, but its so fucking hard, 

I can’t believe that there’s people who don’t start crying when they think about their childhood

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