I Actually Had No Idea There Were So Many Different Middle Eastern Styles Of Headwear. I Find This Highly

I actually had no idea there were so many different middle eastern styles of headwear. I find this highly educational.

Heifer Haven

It was such a funny little name. You really didn’t understand it, considering the fact the place seemed like a dairy. You’d done your research. You knew a cow couldn’t produce milk, unless stimulated through hormones or delivered of a calf. The former was little more than an artificial means of messing with the creature’s biological clock. The latter would render the farm’s name null and void, since a heifer is a virgin cow. Was it just an affectation or did the owner of this place really mean for the farm to only be for heifers? Of course, you didn’t know, and it wasn’t really for you to wonder about in the first place. All you knew was that you were here to test the quality of the product and write about the farm’s practices on your blog.

The farm’s owner was a kind and straightforward woman with broad shoulders and long flowing black hair. She started you off in the field, touring along the border of the property and pointing out all the cows grazing in the distance. Next came the milk room, where she showed you how the pump machines she utilized worked and the best way to milk the cows’ teats without causing undue irritation or pain. Then she showed you the barn and pens, where the cows would sleep during inclement weather and the winter months. You were happy to see she’d laid them with straw and other forms of bedding that would prove harmless and comforting to the herd. As a whole it was definitely one of the best dairies you’d seen. There were absolutely no signs of any form of abuse. The woman seemed to care very deeply for her herd.

Lastly, she led you to a small wooden stand, where a series of empty glasses sat waiting on the side.

“Now for the best part,” the owner said with a playful smile, “the sampling.”

“Sampling?” you return.

“You’ve never had a glass of real milk before, have you?”

“Um….”

“I mean before it’s pasteurized,” she clarified. “If you think you know milk, you’ll change your mind, after you’ve tried some of this.” She made her way behind the stand and crouched down to pull up a plastic tube that she placed inside one of the glasses. Then she twisted something from behind the wood and you watched as the frothy white substance poured out into the cup. When it had filled, she cut off the flow, then offered you the cup. “I guarantee it’ll change your life.”

You looked dubiously at the drink.

“Oh, would you relax? I’ve drank unpasteurized for years. It won’t kill you to try a single glass.”

“I have always wondered what it’s like,” you admit as you come closer and take the cup from the lady. You sniffed the glass carefully. It didn’t smell any different than your usual cup of milk in the morning. Then you took a sip, just a tiny one. The milk was thick and rich with a sweet creamy texture, nothing like what you’d bought in stores before. Your eyes rolled in the back of your head as you fought and ultimately failed to suppress the moan of pleasure that built in your chest and burst out your mouth.

The farmer beamed at you. “Told you it was better.”

You went after the milk with far more gusto this time, letting the froth coat your lip in a moustache as you did your best to swallow every last drop. Each gulp was a symphony of flavor on your taste buds. You moan again as you pull the glass back regretfully from your lips and lower it to the stand. Your nostrils flare as you snuffle, fighting to take in as much of that heady aroma as possible along your lips. With every breath, you enjoy more of the smell and a goofy smile crosses your face as you grin dopily at the farm’s owner.

You feel a peculiar warmth in your nether regions as you lick your lip with your broad tongue, brushing against your nose and moistening it as well. “Moooore?” you ask, heedless of how your voice has deepened. You sway briefly on your feet, feeling suddenly unsteady. You crouch to try to lower you center of gravity, but that doesn’t do you much good, and only seems to make your pants feel all the tighter as you lean heavily onto the wooden stand for support.

The woman is only too happy to provide. She holds a glass up to you and your nostrils flare again as you shove your face into it, licking and swallowing as much as you can. Any that spills, you just bow your neck down to lick up with your broadening tongue. Off in the distance, you can just make out the sound of the herd lowing to one another. Your ears flicker in annoyance as your fingers fumble weakly on the hard wood, scrabbling across its surface as they grow thicker and darker. A slight tickling sensation draws your attention down to your arms, where you notice a rigid dusting of hair. A strange sense of familiarity overtakes you as you look down at your hands. You think you’re supposed to see these strange pink things, but … all you see is a black mass. But … that’s what you’re supposed to see, … isn’t it? You work your jaw and smack your thick rubbery pink lips together as you struggle to gather your thoughts. A curious euphoric fog is clouding your mind as you feel thick calloused hands run over your head, rubbing at an upper corner. You groan in pleasure, and it comes out as a gentle low.

So good. So nice. Nice to just … relax and … and ….

A loud detonation sounds as the zipper on your pants breaks apart. A warm, sloshing mass is swelling, pressing tighter and tighter against your expanding girth. You don’t mind, though. It’s too good just enjoying the woman’s ministrations. She smells so wonderful. It makes you feel warm and safe as you nuzzle her gently.

“That’s right,” she coos into your ears. “Good girl.”

You hardly even register her words, too lost in the euphoria of her touch and the swelling fog that derails your train of thought. You shudder as she nurses and pulls ever so gently at the horn that’s starting to emerge from your skull. Another few breaths and the constriction on your chest is suddenly relieved as the sound of shredding fabric tears through the air. The woman reaches down and pulls off scraps of white cloth, the shredded remains of your shirt, but all you can think of is the loving caress and the question of why such a thing would be on you in the first place. It doesn’t even smell like you.

The woman stops to peer into your eyes and smiles. “You’re coming along very nicely.”

You don’t understand the words, but you don’t mind. You nudge at her with your long, thick neck and toss your expanding head as your ears flick again. She soon gets the message, and you feel that wonderful touch on the other side of your head. A second horn bud soon emerges to join the first. You shudder in pleasure as the warmth becomes more pressing against your belly. You’re dimly aware of a faint sloshing and a distinct sort of pressure starting to build down there. You’re loath to ask, but the question needs to be answered. It’s starting to get a little uncomfortable, after all.

You kick back with one of your legs and low softly as your ears drop behind your head. She seems to understand, nodding her head and passing behind you. You crane your neck, which feels surprisingly flexible, and watch as she lifts your rear hooves and pulls off the offending pieces of cloth that have been keeping you from feeling the familiar pressure of the turf. A loud popping sounds as more cloth breaks free and falls. She reaches up to reclaim it, brushing your wide, bony hips, which leads to more tingling as a long ropey tail launches out from your rear. It flicks casually left and right, leaving you with a sense of repetition that eases that twinge of fear floundering in the back of your head.

You lick your broad velvety nose as the lady cuts away at the band that’s been biting into your waist. It finally breaks free with a satisfying snap, allowing that uncomfortable warmth to slosh down low to the ground. The pressure has built so heavily that you can’t think about anything else. The tall grass tickles against the protrusion and you low with need. The woman smiles and walks back to the wooden stand, while you drop onto all fours, looking patiently and trustingly at the lady that has been so very kind to you. She withdraws a stool and a large bucket. She places the bucket beneath you, then lowers the stool onto the ground by your withers. She pats you once on the side, then begins to pull at the sensitive sack that had been so tightly pressed against your body before. You hear the distinct sound of high pressure liquid striking metal as she pulls. Relief floods you as the pressure begins to ease. Her hands aren’t even cold.

“Good cow,” she utters. “Good cow.”

Over and over again, she repeats. It’s almost entrancing as you stand there, leaving your tail to flick in the wind. You low gratefully to her as the pressure continues to ease and your eyes widen Your pupils expand into broad ovular pieces that flick left and right as your nostrils flare. You smell your milk. You smell the sweet scent of fresh grass, and your stomach rumbles at that smell. Actually … you’re pretty sure you feel … four rumbles?

“Good cow.”

Euphoria rushes over you again and the confusion is gone. You chew the grass with thick, flat teeth, grinding it to paste and swallowing happily as the green leeches out of your eyes to be suffused with a rich dark brown. A light tingling near your rump is the only source of discomfort as the image of the farm’s brand engraves itself harmlessly on your flesh. You low gently, and the herd responds to your call. It is questioning, suspicious. They don’t know you yet. But that is right. You must earn your place with them.

Suddenly, the woman is standing in front of you, pail in hand as she smiles at you. “Go on, then. They’re waiting.”

You blink a few times as you look at the kind smile with innocent, unthinking eyes. You approach her, nuzzle her hand briefly, then turn and lumber your way across the field.

The woman smiles as you walk off and she whistles pleasantly to herself as she pulls out a fresh insulated container from behind the stand to dump your milk into it. “Score another for the herd.” She smiled then as she flipped her phone open and hit the speed dial. “Yeah, Jack? Tour went off without a hitch. This one’s a real producer. You still looking to add some studs to your herd?” She nodded at the response. “Yeah, I’ve got plenty of wet cows for the season. I’ll see about having your breeders ready, after the next tour.”

Lifting Up and Dumbing Down Part 41

You beam openly as you step off the stage and out of the hot lights. Your posing strap holds perfectly to your wide hips as they sway back and forth in that familiar swagger that’s become your natural mode of locomotion. A massive cardboard check is clutched in your right hand as you grin almost childishly at your trainer. “I can’t believe I just won!” you gush. “And at my first competition.” “I told you I’d make a proper bodybuilder of you, didn’t I?” Hank asked, smiling enthusiastically as he bore his teeth in a grin to offset the thick dark stubble that had grown in around his face. “Yes, sir, but I mean, wow. Just wow! This, this makes it official. I really am an actual bodybuilder now.” “And how do you feel?” “Fucking fantastic!” You’re still grinning, heedless to the many knowing smiles and angry glares directed your way. “I’m so full of energy. I feel like I could run a thousand miles.” “Then we should see about working some of that off, shouldn’t we?” Hank chuckled. “Yes, Sir!” Hank chuckled again. “You’re a regular gym addict, aren’t you, kid?” “Musclemen are big and strong. The gym is where we all belong,” you say in the tone like a child reciting a line of overpracticed prose. “The gym and the stage,” Hank agreed as he wrapped a burly arm around your shoulders. “Come on. Let’s get you home.”

The familiar sounds of fife and drum thrum in time from the crack beneath as you knock on Collin’s door. Of course, a knock for you is more like an aggressive pounding, but musclemen should always show off their strength, and it wasn’t like you were about to bust it off its hinges or anything. It took a few moments, but the music finally paused and the door opened to reveal Collin’s sweat-streaked face. His gaze was somewhat distant and his pupils seemed to be having difficulty adjusting to the light, as if they were resisting shrinking. As usual, he wore his fatigues, a pair of heavy duty boots, and a shirt with earthy tones that currently clung to his toned frame in wet patches. “Hey, Lil’bro,” you low gently as you smile down at him. A big grin spreads across Collin’s face. “Welcome back!” He laughs as he lunges forward to embrace you. “Harry called me with the news.” He smacks you manfully on the back, then steps off. “So, how does it feel to win, Mister Bodybuilder?” You smirk. “Fucking amazing.” “Hell yeah, it does,” Collin said. “Come on in. I was just in the middle of my workout.” The broad suite was more like a house than it was an apartment. The floor had a massive open concept with a great kitchen filled with sleek modern appliances and an almost spartan level of cleanliness as the marble counter tops shone in the overhead lights. Your eyes wander over to a gun rack, where you note a series of shot guns, rifles, and pistols waiting to be used. “Found some more for your collection, huh?” you note idly as you lean in to peer at the registrations that are mounted behind each of the weapons against the backdrop of a flowing American flag. “Gotta keep up the practice,” he shrugged. “You talk to that recruiter yet?” Collin shook his head. “Not yet. I wanted to, but....” His brow furrowed in confusion. “I ... don’t exactly remember why I didn’t, actually. Something about ... not ... quite ... ready.” “You have to be in tip top shape.” “I ... have to be in tip top shape,” Collin parroted. “Ready to follow orders.” “Yeah....” “Ready to obey.” Collin nodded dreamily. “Sir, yes, Sir.” You chuckle. “Nah, man.  I’m just your bro. Your big bro, but still your bro.” You smile knowingly at the familiar twitching you see in his hands and pectorals. “I think I’ll leave you to your workout, man. We’ll talk later, okay?” “Yeah, ... later,” he said as he reached for a remote. “Gotta get fit.” “Fit for service,” you prod gently. You remember how much he loves talking about stuff like that. “I will be a good soldier. A good soldier serves his country. A good soldier obeys.” “That’s right, Lil’bro.” You smile as the fife and drums renew their rigid cadence and you take your leave. That smile soon grows into a predatory sneer. Seeing his growing muscles has left you with a pump of your own, and your body practically vibrates with the need to exert itself. You couldn’t get to your apartment fast enough.

Lifting Up and Dumbing Down Part 33

“‘Sup, Harry?” you greeted your agent casually as he drove up in his convertible. The sun was already starting to beat down, and your muscles tingled in anticipation under the exposure. It took every ounce of will power you had not to pop a flex at the man on instinct. Your skin glistened from the preparations you had made the previous night, following the instructions Harry had sent over to the letter. After all, you had to, in order to fit your role. “Oh, the usual,” Harry replied casually. “Making deals, helping clients, getting paid, taking you places.” He chuckled. “Sometimes I feel almost like a chauffeur.” “You know, you don’t always have to drive me, if you don’t want to.” “Oh, but I do want to. After all, somebody’s got to make sure you get where you’re supposed to go on time. Knowing you, you’d probably get distracted along the way, maybe go through a posing session for some ladies, or just get lost in the warmth on your muscles as you stretch.” You chuckle and reach your hand back to rub up and down against the stubble at the back of your neck, causing your black tanktop to ride up over your pectorals. “You see right through me, don’t you?” “Bit hard to do that with a big guy like you. Come on, and get in. We’ve got a ways to go.” And just like that, you’re in the passenger’s seat, resting your heavily sculpted arm on the window port as you watch the world pass by. Harry passed a few sidelong glances your way as you approached an intersection and waited for the light to turn. “You know, you’ve changed a lot, since this all started.” You shrug. “Change is good,” you reply simply, almost automatically. Your motivational poster flashed through your head with that big, dopey smile on that bodybuilder’s face, and your own face pulls into an almost exact replica. “I enjoy my changes.” “And you don’t miss anything?” You turn to look at the smaller man and frown. “Should I?” Harry shrugged. “That’s not my place to say, kid. I’m just your agent, remember?” He chuckled then as the light turned green, and the trip resumed. That statement did leave you wondering, however. If it wasn’t Harry’s place to say, .... Whose place was it?

The tanning salon was a broad building in the bustling city, not unlike a small warehouse. The parking lot was loaded with expensive-looking cars alongside a few dustier used ones. Harry slipped right into the reserved section and pulled out a little plastic hanger to place over his rear view mirror. A shining sun with a single palm tree stared back at you, along with the words PREFERRED CUSTOMER. “What’s that for?” you ask, pointing to the hook. “We got you the deluxe package,” Harry explained. “You can’t get a full tan just by going once. You have to come back. This here hook gives us good parking and all the benefits you need during your sessions. “So, it’s kinda like when I went with the doc before?” “Yup, except your sessions here will be shorter.” “How short are we talking?” “Somewhere a little under ten minutes.” He shrugged. “It doesn’t take much with these machines.” “I see.” “Which means you’ll have plenty of time to get back to the gym.” You can’t help but grin at that. “I thought you might like that part of it,” Harry smirked. “Come on. Let’s get you ready.” The aides were quick to put you through your tests to check your skin type. Then you got your special goggles to protect your eyes and were instructed to strip down to the bare minimum. A towel was also provided for decency’s sake, when it was time to enter the main floor. “And don’t forget to use this,” one of the ladies said. She handed you a tube of what looked almost like sun block. “Apply it all over your skin. We have a brush over there to aid you with your back. If you prefer, we can have someone help apply it for you, instead. Just say the word.” You nod gratefully as you’re led to a private room and quickly follow the attendant’s instructions to the letter. You opt for the second of the two options you were offered, and smile as you feel delicate hands running up and down your back. “You’ll need to wait here to give the lotion time to work,” she said. “About twenty or thirty minutes. After that, you’ll be ready to tan.” You nod absently, enjoying the sensation of the rubbing too much to really give a full acknowledgement. “We’ll play something for you, while you wait, so you won’t get bored.” Again, you nod. “Thanks,” you manage to say. And suddenly, you find yourself alone in that state of suspended pleasure. Music begins to filter through the speakers, followed by a low, deep voice. “Hello, muscleman.” Your response is automatic. “Hello, Sir....”

The tanning bed was warm and inviting. You couldn’t help but smile as you listened to the calming music flooding through the chamber. The urge to flex had been muted in favor of the overriding need to achieve the perfect tan. For that, you had to relax. “A tan muscleman is a good muscleman is a proud muscleman....” you murmur to yourself as the words reverberate through your skull from your time in the prep room.  Your muscles glisten, and the longer you bathe in the light, the more pleasure you experience. You make sure to keep your arms above your head, so you can get a proper full body tan, just like you were instructed by the employees. The lamps are hot, but not entirely unpleasant. It’s more like when you’re on a run, after a workout and go bare-chested, instead of the usual means. When the time is up, you get out and look almost disappointed at the sight of your skin. “It’s not tan....” “It takes a day or two for the melanin in your skin to react,” the attendant explained. “You should notice a difference, by the time you come back, assuming you follow all the instructions right.” You chuckle. “No problems there. Uh, thanks, Miss...?” “Call me Jessica,” the girl said with a smile. “We’ll see you again in a couple of days, won’t we?” “You will,” you promise as you stomp your way towards the door, while the attendant begins cleaning the bed. You smile and pop a flex briefly, imagining just how much better it’ll look, when that skin is a healthy gold. “I can hardly wait,” you mutter.

Lifting Up and Dumbing Down Part 28

“Damn, boy, you’re plowing through those weights like they’re nothing,” Hank commented as he watched you work the butterfly press. The pump from your constant lifting has inflated your shelf-like pecs into two muscular globes that strain against the straps on your tank top. “Just figured I’d put more effort into lifting, less into complaining,” you grunt back. “Better breaking my limits.” “Spoken like a true body builder.” “That’s what I’m supposed to be, isn’t it?” you ask as you flash a cheeky smile his way. Hank let out a rumbling chuckle. “I suppose it is, at that.” Then he eyed you more clinically. “You might want to consider upping a size on those clothes of yours, though. They look about fit to burst.” “That’s the idea.” “You actually want to get a public indecency citation?” You roll your eyes as you pull the arms of the machine together again. “I want to be so big that I can break out of my clothes, just by flexing. Doesn’t mean I’m actually going to try something like that in public.” “Then up your size, when you come here, kid. Those straps don’t look like they’re gonna last much longer,” he said, pointing to the thin shoulder straps that now cling to your skin, thanks to all the sweat you’ve been generating. “Gotta change the gear, when it wears out.” Change the gear. ... Like a machine. ... A muscle machine. “Yes, Sir,” you say dazedly. “I understand.” “Good. Now give me another couple of reps.” You stare off into the distance as you let your body follow its programming. The sight of your face in the mirror, so blank, so focused, fills you with a certain amount of pride. Have to execute. “Then, after this, I might just let you get back to those dumbbells of yours.” You didn’t need any more prompting. You plowed through those reps, like they were nothing. All the while, Hank watched, nodding approvingly as he smirked, just out of the corner of your eye.

Duff let out a deep chuckle as he opened his apartment door for you. “Damn, bro, you weren’t kidding about those gains you were making. Come on in! Let me show you around the place.” He wrapped a vascular arm around your shoulders and pulled you inside. A coffee table sat in front of a single long couch. Its top was made of glass, but the frame was solid metal, and shelf after shelf of dumbbells laid waiting for anyone to use beneath that innocent glass pane. The top were the lightest, the bottom heaviest. The walls had been painted a dull silver that hardly shone through the posters of body builders, slogans, and weight sets. Speakers sat in every corner of the space, doubtless connected to the TV and sound system spreading wide against the wall. The screen was positively monstrous, taking up nearly the whole side of the apartment, with the exception of the small entertainment cabinet on its left that held various DVDs, Blu-Rays, and players, including a port for i-phones or MP3 players. A heavy duty weight rack stood near the entrance to the kitchen, next to a large metal bench press with an adjustable back. The kitchen was orderly, with a veritable regiment of protein shake cups laying in wait on the drying rack for later use. The refrigerator was incredibly high-tech, with a stainless steel exterior and a freezer in a sliding drawer below. Duff grinned as he pulled open the doors to reveal stacks upon stacks of Tupperware, each filled with equal portions of lean protein, healthy grains, and nutritious greens, all labeled with specific dates and times to eat. “Only the best fuel for these pistons,” he guffawed, popping a flex and smacking his palm over the dense muscular mound his bicep had become. A brief bout of lightheadedness strikes you at the words, and you sway briefly on your feet. “Best ... fuel?” Suddenly you feel two thick hands grasping your shoulders. “Easy, bro.” They guide you to the weight bench, where they force you to sit. In your addled state, you don’t feel the need to put up much resistance. Then you taste that familiar shot of vanilla in your mouth, and you swallow. A smile pulls at your lips. “Better?” Duff asks as he crouches to stare at you. “Yeah....” you mutter dreamily. A funny little question burbles its way to the surface as you take in the spartan appearance of the room again. “Say, Duff, why’s your living room look more like a gym than a, well, you know, a living room?” You know it’s a silly question, even a stupid one, but sometimes you can’t help but ask. You’re such a dumbass. Duff let out a husky laugh. “’Cause the gym is my home, bro.” He ratcheted the back of the press up, allowing you to lean back against it as you splayed your legs wide, giving you a perfect view of the entertainment console on the other end of the room. “The gym is ... your home,” you repeat slowly. “Yeah, bro!” Duff grinned excitedly at you. “Let me show you.” He jogged over to the entertainment center, sending tremors through the room with his weight. Then he fished through his collection of DVDs, till he found the right one. In a matter of seconds, the familiar sound of clacking weights and guttural grunts tore through the air, and you started to feel lightheaded again. You look up at Duff, who’s grinning down at you like an absolute idiot. “Welcome to the home gym course for Muscle men!” a chipper voice greeted as the camera zoomed in on a strangely familiar man. He was shorter, trimmer, and his face was far softer, but ... it looked almost like.... “Hank?” you ask. Duff’s grin widened. “Yeah, bro. He used to make these custom DVDs years ago, sold ‘em to special clients.” The screen flickered briefly. “By the time this video is finished, I’ll have shown you the secret to making you feel right at home in the gym.” The screen flickered again and you blinked slowly in response. “Yeah, he said this copy was kinda damaged, but once you get used to it, the video’s fucking ace,” Duff said. “All you have to do is follow my instructions exactly. The rest will take care of itself. Are you ready? Let’s begin.” The video ran through a series of basic exercises you blew past a long time ago. The lights would flicker in the gym, and the sound would degrade sometimes as you watched, but Duff’s grin just kept getting wider the more he stared. You almost got up to turn it off, but every time you were ready to, Hank’s voice would cut in. “Now don’t you touch that button. Remember, a key part to making the gym your home is endurance.” The screen flickered again. “So, remember, keep watching.” By this point, Duff had already crouched down to retrieve a set of dumbbells, and he was pumping along. A few flickers later, and you could feel your own arms pumping in time. “And with every pump, think to yourself, the gym is my home. That’s right. Now say it.” “The gym is my home,” Duff lowed with a confident grin. “Again.” “The gym is my home.” “Again.” “The gym is my home.” Your head was awhirl as the flickers danced in your eyes. You hardly even noticed how dilated your pupils had become, how dim the lights had grown around you. All that mattered was the video. All that mattered was the gym and the pleasure the gym brought, because Hank said it did. And you couldn’t argue with him. He was right. You loved the gym. You loved the pump. Why shouldn’t you call the gym your home? “Again.” This time, instead of a murmur, you boomed in perfect time with Duff. “THE GYM IS MY HOME!” Your grin became just as wide as your friend’s as the light reflected off his luminous bristled red hair. “Good. Now that you’re home, it’s time to work out, muscleman.” The phrase crashed over you like a tsunami of bliss, and you let it pull you into that favorite empty place. Musclemen didn’t think. Musclemen listened to instruction. Musclemen worked out.

Lifting Up and Dumbing Down Part 29

You continue to pump your weights, heedless of the movers as they tromped into your apartment hauling boxes and bits and pieces of furniture. A few of the laborers look almost familiar to you, somehow. Maybe ... you saw them at the gym? You ... can’t ... quite seem to ... focus on it.... Then your eyes fall on your hulking torso in the mirror and you let that thought drop. The hairs on your chest have spread out in a perfect triangle that’s just the right thickness to accentuate the muscle, without obscuring it. You grin at the sight of your broad shoulders and perfectly sculpted abdomen. The veins standing on your arms only serve to better accentuate the pistons you’ve worked so hard to build and maintain. The rhythmic pulse of screwdrivers deepens your trance as you sink into that familiar emptiness and smile. You’re not sure how long you’ve been pumping, when you feel a firm tap on your shoulder. You turn to look into the mover’s murky brown eyes. “Job’s finished,” he rumbled. “Good,” you grunt. You look around the room briefly, eyeing the new surround sound speakers, the motivational posters, the new bench press, the pull-up bar, the squat rack, and so many weights. One of the men is busy organizing your DVDs and Blu-rays on the shelf. The screen of your new massive television pulses a myriad of patterns and images. “Welcome to your new and improved home.” It was like something set a switch off in your brain. The response was automatic. “The gym is my home.” The man nodded. “That is right.” They each file past you, one at a time, laying a meaty hand over your shoulder as they make their way out. When the workers had gone, a single figure remained at the doorway. He’s short, kinda on the scrawny side. Could use a good bulking, you think absently as you look at him. He swayed briefly, then stepped inside, looking about in confusion. His hair was tied back in a long black ponytail and his sneakers scuffed against the floor as he shuffled in. One word clicks in your mind. Landlord. “Wh-what ... did you just do?” He blinked rapidly and shook his head, as if trying to shake off sleep. “These renovations. I ... I never gave--.” You tromp over to him with an easy gait and, pausing only to squat down and pick up a set of lighter dumbbells from your new coffee table on your way to the door, you finish your advance. You press them into the man’s chest and he grabs the handles out of reflex. He stares down at them, dumbfounded, as they drop to his sides. You shake your head in disgust. “What’re you standing there for? You gotta lift ‘em, like this, bro.” You clasp your meaty mitts around his pale skinny fingers and get behind him to manipulate his arms. You show him the form, just like Hank and Duff showed you. “Up and down. Up and down.” “This ... this isn’t--.” You shush him quickly. “Gotta focus to lift,” you say gruffly as you fold your arms and glower down at him. “Focus and listen.” “Wh--wha--?” You tromp over to the TV and access the first beginner workout DVD you see. Curiously enough, it’s the only one of its kind sitting at eye level. You let that pass, however. It’s not for you to think about. All you think about is growing your muscle. You pop the disc into the player and back up as your speakers blare into the room. “Now, let me show you how to lift....”