Poet James Schuyler To Painter John Button (Spring 1956)

Poet James Schuyler to painter John Button (Spring 1956) 

Don't tell people your boundaries. Show them.

If you tell someone they can't talk to you a certain way or do certain things, those are not boundaries. Boundaries are things we show. If you tell someone "if you do that again I am not going to speak to you" and you stay and continue to speak to them, that's not a boundary. Just words. Words that they now know means absolutely nothing and they can take advantage of.

You show people how to treat you.

You reinforce your boundaries with your actions. Unless you show someone with your actions that what they are doing is not okay, and you do not continue to allow it, they will keep doing it.

WAHWHHWHA MY BOYSSS (minus Azul and Jade)

THEY'RE SO SMALL *puts them in a fire*

Having a resurgence of insecurity, anxiety, or frustration around something that you forgave or that happened a long time ago is not wrong. Things we have forgiven can upset us, they can come back up and bring insecurity. You are not holding onto something unfairly by still being affected by it. There is a difference between shoving a past mistake in someone's face and saying that it still hurts sometimes to think about it.

On Wangxian Love Languages

When people talk about love languages, they often forget that the way you express love and the way you want others to express their love for you isn't the same.

This is actually one of Wangxian's biggest miscommunications.

They both express their love in ways the other doesn't realize. For example, Wei Wuxian is definitely a gift giver. The bunnies and Jin Ling's bell is evidence of that.

But when it comes to receiving? He needs words of affirmation. And he's so starved of that growing up that he doesn't even know how to handle it when he does receive it.

Lan Wangji? He's a man of a few words. He never tells Wei Wuxian how he feels. Instead, he's acts of service and quality time. He always helped Wei Wuxian in any way he could, always content to just be with him, in his presence. Where things really get interesting though, is that Lan Wangji also wants to receive words of affirmation and quality time.

And you'd think well, Wei Wuxian doesn't shut up and is honest about what he thinks about Lan Wangji! But the problem is Wei Wuxian's "shameless flirting" makes Lan Wangji not believe him. He's getting love in the form he wants it, but he invalidates it because Wei Wuxian is simply 'hot and talking' and doesn't mean anything by it. And because it's not Wei Wuxian's giving love language either, his own intentions aren't clear. He's like that with everyone!

Lan Wangji also wants to receive quality time. Because of circumstances, they spend so much of Wei Wuxian's first life circling around each other. He just wants his attention, but just like with words of affirmation, when he gets it, he doesn't see it for what it is. But Lan Wangji isn't the only one invalidating intentions.

Wei Wuxian is also receptive to acts of service in a way. Jiang Yanli's soup, for example. But when Lan Wangji is trying to help Wei Wuxian, Wei Wuxian misunderstands the intention behind it. 'It's out of anger, hatred, pity' etc.

And what about physical touch? They do have overlap there, but once again, it's misunderstood. Wei Wuxian is too casual with his touches and Lan Wangji doesn't (usually) like being touched. So until they both know for a fact that's what the other wants, it doesn't actually matter.

We see the convergence of all these things at the Guanyin Temple confession. Lan Xichen reveals everything that Lan Wangji did for him, all his 'acts of service' and how he went out of his way for 'quality time' and Wei Wuxian suddenly understands what Lan Wangji hasn't been saying with words the whole time, and so Wei Wuxian does the talking for him. He tells Lan Wangji he wants physical intimacy, throws himself into Lan Wangji's arms. He's giving the 'gift' of himself to Lan Wangji. And this is what Lan Wangji needs to hear. Afterwards, they're all cuddly and close. Because now they know what the other wants.

Neither of these boys are stupid, they're not even particularly oblivious. Given the circumstances, it's really understandable just how badly they misunderstood each other. But everything clicks into place when they understand and receive love as they need it. Lan Wangji is still a man of a few words, but now he doesn't hold back in telling Wei Wuxian how he feels. When Lan Wangji cooks for him, Wei Wuxian understands this is an act of love and he teases, but also seriously reaffirms how he feels about it.

They know to communicate and confirm rather than assume. The circumstances that created the misunderstandings were expected, but learning and putting into practice the knowledge of what their partner needs is why they don't get recreated.

Loving someone isn't enough to have a problem free life, but communicating that love is.

Original thread on twitter

Every Tav deserves a grilled cheese by their fav after a long day of saving the world.