I Needed This Right Now. I Was Looking At Internships And Volunteer Opportunities, And All I Could Think

I needed this right now. I was looking at internships and volunteer opportunities, and all I could think was I do not have even single skill that is in demand or I could advertise. I kept thinking what use is my education when I am turning 24 in 2 days and my set of skills and the practical aspects of it are nil. Like I was spewing so much self-hate when I already have really low self-esteem. 

Time to censor my thoughts and try to be more gentle. otherwise this cycle of self destruction and sabotage will continue.

Here’s to loving yourself. 

i’ve started replacing “i want to die” with “i feel overwhelmed” in my internal monologue, which is usually more accurate and more productive

*parts a bead curtain as i enter the room, carrying a glass of lemonade* 

hey….

nothing you ever read, watch, or participate in will be ideologically pure and without its problems. your quest to consume the most unproblematic material will be, in the end, fruitless. your enjoyment of anything will be sapped away, leaving you a husk starved for media.

 it is okay to enjoy things that have problems to them, so long as you do it critically and with an open mind, and take care to consider others.

*leaves the way i came*

You know, if I had to describe my experience as an aromantic in one word, I think I’d go with “alienating”. Let me explain:

Imagine you’re aro and watching TV. There some kind of SciFi show on and they are debating the personhood of an AI.

The AI shows curiosity and a thirst for knowledge. They have desires. They have strengths and weaknesses. None of this convinces the doubters.

The AI makes friends. They take up hobbies. They talk about their hopes and dreams for the future. Surely this is enough to relate to them as a person? It’s not.

The AI is shown to fall in love. This is framed as the ultimate proof, the one thing that must humanize them even to the staunchest denier of their personhood or else that person is irredeemable.

You change the channel.

There’s a children’s cartoon on. “What is this?!” the villain cries, pointing at a couple. Their inability to understand the romantic love between those two is framed as stemming from the fact that somebody so deeply evil simply cannot understand something as pure and good as romantic love.

You change the channel.

There’s a sitcom on. Two characters are discussing a third character. “He’s really not that weird,” says one character. “He hasn’t been in a relationship for [x] years!” the other refutes. Cue the laugh track. The implication is clear: If he’s not in a relationship, it must be because he’s too weird.

You change the channel.

There’s a Christmas movie on. The main character is a successful businesswoman. She’s shown talking to her friends and family regularly. “You need a man,” her mother says as they bake together. The daughter denies this. The rest of the movie is all about proving the mother right, as suddenly her career, her friends and her family are framed as not being enough for her to lead a fulfilling life.

You change the channel.

It’s some show aimed at young teens and tweens. “Ew,” one character comments as the idea of them having a significant other one day is brought up. This is treated as a sign of their immaturity.

You turn off the TV.

Your experiences aren’t enough to humanize a non-human character. You’re the villain. You’re a weirdo. Your life is incomplete. You’re immature.

You’re tired.

There’s a reason it was an aro who coined the term voidpunk.

Once you’ve accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you.

Tyrion Lannister (via quotemadness)

identity crisis

all these years I have been good at academics and didn’t have any other hobby or extra-curricular that I pursued, well except for my love for reading novels ( now web-novels or fanfics). Somehow it became my identity, always my name and the comment, “she is good in studies”. 

Now everybody expects but I find myself drained. Now when the most important exam of my career is here, my drive and determination is gone. I am so damn scared that it has paralysed me so much so that I am running from my studies. Once the raven who fought so hard for her right to study is actively avoiding it. I find myself lost and alone. 

I know there are many like me who were defined by their academic achievements and perhaps now without it, are floundering. I don’t have much words to say to you, what can I say when I myself am....now even the words fail me. 

I let the people get to me, their words building me up or tearing me apart. Their opinions embedded in me, shredding my soul. Sometimes darkness creeps into me, I find myself guarding the light in me. Everyday is a battle. But it is a battle I intend to win. 

There are things I need to do, places I wish to explore, hope and faith is keeping me going. I don’t just want to survive. I want to live and live and live. 

just admit you don’t know how to see nuance and appreciate cultures different from yours and therefore label everything you don’t like as ‘bad’.

Also: stop projecting your own problems onto these characters. Yu Ziyuan is not your mom.