So Much To Be Said About The Time I Was Depending On Toxic Motivation Videos For School And How I Only

So much to be said about the time I was depending on toxic motivation videos for school and how I only started to sincerely enjoy learning when I stopped associating it with my self worth and more with the desire to understand the world around me. I've talked about it with a friend before but workaholism and grind culture are one of the most acceptable and even encouraged forms of self harm that masquerades self destruction as productivity.

The reality it is so much easier to destroy yourself when the world is actively encouraging you to, and it is so hard to understand yourself as a human being with value outside of work. Mitski really was right when she said self-preservation is an act of revolution.

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Hate diet culture so much bitches will b like “don’t eat processed carbs they’re so bad for you” like and??? So what?? God did not give us grain and stone to grind it with for no reason. Bread is inevitable. Bread is food for the heart and the soul. U think I’m gonna give that up in pursuit of instagram fitness?? U think I’m gonna deny myself the simple pleasure of toast with jam so I can endlessly chase an ever-shifting standard of beauty that ultimately means nothing? In 20 years I will no longer be beautiful and in 60 my body will be vacant food for other, smaller creatures. But the taste of fresh bread? Of homemade donuts and still-warm pie? I will carry the taste on my tongue into whatever follows this life. So like. Stop telling me I should diet lmao. I’m not abt to martyr myself just to get a man to look at me.

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At the same time it's fascinating to think about. I remember being 6, staring at the corner of a table and gaining awareness of my growing conscience. My back burned everytime I did something wrong and that's when I realized that I was starting to understand the concept of remorse and consequence. It was a small moment of "Huh, things are changing."

Now it's the same thing but with the increasing awareness that I am so far from being a developed, fleshed out human being, that there's so much more ahead of me and whatever I thought was the entire world when I was 12 I now know was a small, narrow portion of it.

It's inevitable. There is a world beyond me that I don't know about. I am so small. We are so small. I'm trying to learn everyday, but I no longer want to pressure myself to understand everything at once the same way I did when I was 14. The fact is that I'm immature and ignorant and I won't be ashamed of it anymore in the way that I won't be ashamed to learn.

I'm so fucking tired of being a teenager but it's also so funny. So so fucking funny. "Oh god!! What if this is just like all those years ago?! I knew I've always been fucked up, I'll never change!" And then 'all those years ago' is when you were 12-14. Bitch you'll be fine

Devin Kelly, from "Deer on the Side of an American Highway"