Hi, Friends. Checking In. Personal Post.

hi, friends. checking in. personal post.

full transparency, i haven't been doing great. my beloved dog was put to sleep after a short, sudden illness and i haven't been coping well. he had been my best friend and sidekick for almost half my life. (i still remember the day i came home to meet him when i was 16. i'd been to a gig the night before, and my best friend and i rushed back the next morning to see him. he was so tiny and so fluffy and kept biting the velcro on my friend's shoes.) he turned 15 last month. i feel so lucky i got to spend all of those years with him.

for the last 4 years particularly he has quite literally been by my side almost all of the time, and i'm struggling to come to terms with losing him. i was already having a hard time in the weeks beforehand, and losing him has left me completely heartbroken to the point that it's made me physically sick. i had been staying with my grandma since it happened so i didn't have to be in my house on my own, but now i'm back home and trying to settle in to being without him, and it fucking sucks. i'm taking care of myself, and i am ultimately ok, but long story short, my dog died and i'm miserable.

navigating that, on top of other Stuff happening irl that has been taking up most of my time and energy, means tumblr has fallen by the wayside a bit. i've dropped in a couple of times but haven't stayed for long because i just don't have much enthusiasm for anything rn. i promise i haven't forgotten everyone and i'm sorry to those i haven't got back to. it's not you, it's me, etc.

i'll be back, i'm sure. the external chaos at least should settle a bit soon and i'll have some more time for myself again. i miss everyone. i miss regular ghost shenanigans. i just need a minute.

i hope you're all okay and i'm sending all of you so much love. please give your pets, whatever sweet creature they may be, an extra cuddle for me <3

(truly the sleepiest boy in the world. 90% of my photos are him snoozing. in his various collars. my boy. ralf forever 💕)

i miss every girl in my life who was nice to me

a fun moment of pet grief.

so i've experienced auditory hallucinations on and off since i was a teenager, and in a particularly bad period some years ago where i would regularly be convinced i could hear strangers in my house, i developed a coping strategy of saying "no one here, ralf" out loud to my dog. i don't know where it came from, and it didn't stop them, but it gave me a way to redirect my thinking in the moment.

anyway. long story short, i just involuntarily said it for the first time in years in a moment of anxiety and was immediately hit by a new crushing reminder. guess i was right. there really is no one here.

in other words: grief is dumb and i miss my dog.

honestly every time i log on to this hellsite i see the coolest, most creative, skillful, amazing art and all i want to say is uh, carry on. do it again. continue, even.

I relied on romantic maladaptive daydreaming for survival as a child, and have been love sick ever since

endless ghifs 17/? ⛧ source — Absolution at Carolina Rebellion 07/05/2016