Me Doing Nothing While My Life Falls Apart

Me doing nothing while my life falls apart

He was great. We shared many great moments. Our physical connection was never in question. He kissed me within an hour of meeting me and I let him. I thought that it could be a great story that we tell other people one day, not knowing that maybe moving too fast doomed us from the start. Our emotional connection, on the other hand, is something that I always questioned. The only time he allowed me a glimpse into his heart is at three in the morning, when we would talk all night, not needing sleep, only each other, even though he has to be up at eight for work. I feel him smiling against my face. His heart beating against my chest. His thumbs caressing my fingers. His hand rubbing my bare back. These are the little moments that I will keep close to me. These are the moments before everything good about us slipped away. He was charming and confident and he created an environment where I felt safe to grow. He taught me many things about life and I will always care for him in that sense. And although my relationship with him was exhilarating, there was a dark and twisted side that was always lurking.He was able to flash a smile at me and charmed me into changing my morals for him. To the point where I slid down the door, holding onto my chest, the part where the heart is, and questioned if I am still me. He was able to use his confidence to make me feel small and less than him, to the point where I made excuses to my friends for the ways he treated me. He used my need to feel alive to suck the innocence and what little naivety I had left. And the more nights we spent together, the colder I felt. The more he withdraw, the more I needed his warmth. It was a sick relationship based on my fear of spending my nights alone and his fear of commitment and missing out on everything life has to offer did not make things easier.  Of course it hurts to see things changed. Of course it hurts to remember all of the tender moments we had. And of course, my heart breaks every time I compare the beginning to now. I will never understand how someone wakes up one day and decides that they don’t care anymore. He used to pull me closer to him during the middle of the night to kiss my forehead. Now all he does is cowered me into the corner and throw words at me, that he claims he does not mean the next day. And I hate myself for never having the strength to leave him in that moment. So I lay down in the same bed next to him, facing the opposite direction, leaving inches between us. And I hate myself for still wanting his arms around me.

He trapped me in the environment he created and it took me a while to find my way out of the maze. And sometimes, I wonder if I am really out. (via illuminatewords)