I Grew Up With A Chronic Illness And Parents Who Believed I Was Milking My Pain. They Said Things Like

i grew up with a chronic illness and parents who believed i was ‘milking’ my pain. they said things like ‘it’s not that bad’ and ‘you have to get through it and do what everyone else does’. i never got the chance to know what my limits were because i wasn’t allowed to have any. because of that, i underreported symptoms until my disease became severe. scariest part is that i didn’t even realize i was underreporting. i had just been doubting my own body for years.

i still struggle to accept and seek support for pain. recently, i developed a large kidney stone. as i’m laying in the emergency room, crying from pain, i have a thought like ‘this really isn’t that bad’. and i’m like, ‘oh my god, i’m gaslighting my own pain’. meanwhile, i’m being given morphine and bumped up in triage. these should validate my experience, but suddenly i’m thinking ‘i don’t need this, i’m probably milking it’ because that’s what i’ve been told my entire life.

parents and guardians, take any pain your child reports seriously, especially if they are chronically ill. otherwise, you’re teaching them to ignore their own needs and limits, leading to the worsening of conditions and appearance of easily preventable problems. they’ll be much worse off then they’d be if they missed a day of school for supposedly faking a tummy ache.

the stars won't warm you, so what do you chase after?

just had to block & report four bots... do they like me

...it's all coming together.

it’s been too long since i did anything discworld

and a couple of smooches i didn’t want to lineart:

How to (efficiently) hand wash dishes

Despite good intentions and decent physical ability, you often walk into the kitchen to find a mess. Dirty dishes piled high, no clean utensils to cook with and old food scraps and mysterious goo making the room feel awful. When you try to wash up you don't know where to start, it feels impossible and takes longer than it should have to, so you avoid doing it and soon get stuck with just as big a mess a few days later. If this sounds familiar, I’ve written this tutorial with you in mind. In other words, my aim is to help a person with executive dysfunction/brain fog/burn out and/or limited experience with housework to deal with a big pile of dishes in a messy, dirty kitchen in a logical, step-by-step way with the minimum of effort. For context: I am cognitively (and physically) disabled and after inventing this method for washing dishes my kitchen has gone from “always dangerously dirty” to “almost always clean”, even when I’m unmedicated for long stretches of time. I can’t promise similar results for you but I can at least promise I’m not an abled, neurotypical, naturally tidy person about to tell you to try harder.

You will need:

A comfortable dish washing tool (sponge, brush or cloth)

Two basins, one for washing and one for rinsing (meaning either a plastic basin and a sink or two sinks)

A dish drying rack

A cutlery dryer

Dish soap

A plug for the drain

Kitchen rags or sponge cloths

1-3 clean kitchen towels (fabric, not paper)

Rubber gloves (optional)

Step one is to get your work space in order.

This will involve some general cleaning and tidying, but trust me, it will end up saving you time and spoons. 1) Remove everything in your path that’s clean (things that shouldn’t be in the kitchen, clean dishes, food you want to keep etc) and storing it out of reach. 2) If possible, place an open waste bin on the floor within easy reach. 3) Remove trash and bigger loose pieces of food waste. 4) Gather up all dirty cutlery, spatulas, ladles and similar utensils and place them head down in a small pot, bucket, food container or similar. Fill the container with hot water and some dish soap and leave it someplace out of the way. 5) Gather your plates and bowls, scrape any bits of food into the bin and pre-rinse them as needed, and stack them by type. 6) Empty your pots and pans and stack them, fill them part way with hot water and dish soap and put them to the side. 7) Empty and pre-rinse your cups and glasses. If any are very caked in dirt, fill them with hot water and dish soap. 8) Gather any remaining miscellaneous dishes, pre-rinse as needed and stack them as much as possible to save space.

By now, your dirty dishes should be ready for washing and sorted by type and you should have some surface space available to work in. Pick one surface area to be your clean area, preferably within easy reach of the sink, and one area to be the dirty area (for now). I usually use my kitchen table (or the floor, as long as I can safely and easily move around the sink) to be my dirty area.

Ideally, your work flow should physically move in a line from left to right (or vice versa), going from dirty to washing to rinsing to drying. If you don’t have enough space, it’s more important to have the washing, rinsing and drying lined up that way.

9) Move all your dishes to the dirty area and keep them separated as before by type. 10) Empty and clean your sink(s) and/or wash basin. 11) Scrub your clean area very clean and dry it. Place a dish rack there or cover it with a kitchen towel. Leave a rag or something similar near the edge - the area will get wet so be ready to wipe up the water before it spills to the floor.

At this point, I usually take a moment to check in with myself. If I’m running out of energy or time, I only proceed to wash my pots, pans, chopping boards, knives and other cooking utensils, and leave my eating and drinking utensils for another time. Why? Firstly, because those cooking tools are usually the only dishes that will be permanently damaged if left dirty and/or moist for too long Secondly, it means that I’ll have everything I need to cook myself a meal and a neat, clean-ish space to cook in. This is after all the most important thing in a kitchen. Everything else is organized, even if it’s still dirty, so it’s easy to grab and wash a plate and a fork as needed so I can eat said meal.

When you’re ready to proceed, step two is to wash your dishes.

Now that things are tidy, there will be limited task switching and moving around from this point on, which I find to be the main reasons I get confused, distracted, stressed or overwhelmed when cleaning. I’ve suggested an order in which to wash your dishes that should save time and help preserve water by going from (usually) less dirty to (usually) more dirty. When the water in your wash basin starts to look or smell nasty, change it. You can also clear away the bin(s) now.

1) Get a clean kitchen towel and throw it over your shoulder so it’s always within easy reach. 2) As I mentioned above, you should arrange your wash basins/sink(s) so that everything will move in a straight, uninterrupted line - wash (in the basin if you don’t have two sinks), rinse in the sink and dry on the surface next to the sink. If you only have one sink/basin, wash everything first, then rinse, then dry. The aims are to minimize task switching, save time, save water and avoid dirtying your clean dishes by cross contamination. If you only take away one thing from this tutorial it should be to use this assembly line type of set up. 3) Fill your wash basin as much as you can with glasses and cups and top up with hot water and dish soap. Wash all of them. If you’re low on energy or time, focus on the rim of the glass/cup and the inside, those are the most important parts. Soak the next batch of dishes while you rinse and/or stack your current batch according to your set up. 4) Repeat with plates, then bowls. Between every stage, check if you have enough space left to work in - perhaps your dirty area is almost empty and you can clean some of it for extra clean space? 5) Cutlery and utensils go next. Since they’ve been soaking in hot water, maybe even twice at this point, you can just swipe the top half like credit cards in a folded dish sponge unless they’re very dirty. I like to arrange my cutlery handle-side up in another container before rinsing them, that way I can grab a handful easily, rinse the handful in one go and then put them handle-side down in the drying container. Else they tend to get tangled and fly everywhere, but that might just be me.

At this point, your clean/drying area is probably filling up. If you’re low on space, rinse whatever is left to rinse, dry it with a clean towel and store it out of the way. That way you’ll have room to wash and dry your pots, pans and other miscellaneous cookware, even if it’s been piling up, which should be your last remaining step.

Take a look around - I usually find that after washing dishes this way, I’ve basically tricked myself into tidying most of my kitchen (to get my clean belongings out of harm’s way and make room for my clean and dirty areas) and stove-top, so if you have the energy to spare this is a good time to quickly clean those down as well.

That’s it, that’s my method for washing dishes with the least amount of stress and effort. To me, a clear, logical workflow that I can write out into a series of steps to follow in order is the most helpful way to avoid stress and extra work when my cognitive functions are at their worst.

To sum up

If you’d like a much shorter step-by-step guide to print out and hang in the kitchen, you could sum it up like this

1) get rid of clean stuff 2) get rid of trash and old food 3) gather, pre-rinse and stack dishes 4) move in a straight line: wash, rinse, dry 5) when short on time, prioritise cooking tools over eating tools 6) wash dishes one type at a time

but you should of course tailor this list to include the stuff you’re most likely to forget or most likely to find useful.

Some other things to consider:

Anything that has come into contact with raw meat or chicken should always be washed separately and with more care. If you’re uncertain on food safety in general, please take a moment to look into it.

Non-stick pots and pans should be handled with care, replaced often and only washed with very soft tools - if they get scraped or damaged, even with age and normal use, they’re no longer safe to use. I would argue that they’re not safe to use anyway and that well-treated cast iron or other good metal cookware will fill the same functions if used correctly, but you should of course decide for yourself.

Don’t use dish soap on cast iron or leave it soaking in water, just wash it with hot water. Make sure to look up a guide to using and maintaining cast iron tools, and if you’re not able to wash it regularly immediately after use, it might be best to use stainless steel instead. Misused cast iron can be fixed, but it takes some effort.

Never pour grease, oil or other food waste down the drain - it will smell awful and eventually clog the drain which can be difficult and expensive to deal with.

Solutions to other problems:

Of course, there are other reasons why washing dishes might be difficult. If you have problems with fine motor skills, I recommend a dish sponge or a rag over a brush since it’s easier to feel what you’re doing and it lets you use your whole hand instead of just your wrist. Try every dish washing tool available to you and pick the one you prefer. Be honest about your difficulties, try to pinpoint their sources, take them seriously and allow yourself to problem solve with some imagination. An example: the reason my partner avoided doing the dishes in our new kitchen turned out to be that because of the poor design of the sink, the floor gets wet very quickly. Once she realised this, we got a set of indoor sandals each and now neither of us have to get our feet wet.

For other sensory issues, you can try:

choosing a dish soap that is allergy friendly and that either smells nice or is not perfumed

getting a nice, protective hand cream to use after washing dishes

blocking out unpleasant sounds with music or earplugs

wearing gloves

wearing a thick apron or other protective clothing to not get unpleasantly soaked, or at least change into clothes you’re don’t mind staining

use incense or an oil burner to get a nicer smell in the kitchen

If pain or fatigue hinders you, use a (safe!) seat instead of standing.

This list could go on much longer (and if you have some advice I’ve missed, please send it my way so I can add it) but the more important point is to get you thinking outside of the box both about what’s actually stopping you and what could be done about it. There is no real benefit to doing things the normal way, unless of course you’re living with ableist people who will punish you otherwise.

Avoiding mess in future

This tutorial hopefully helps you deal with a mess, but it won’t help you avoid a mess from piling up. If there’s interest, I might make a tutorial for that too - let me know what you think and what issues are the most challenging for you and I'll try to help! Of course, if the above method is helpful, just knowing how to solve the problem without having to think up a plan or spend more time and energy than necessary can help with procrastination or avoidance by itself.

Please give me feedback!

If this was helpful to you, or you think it might be helpful to someone else, please reblog it and take two seconds to follow me on youtube (link in notes) - I am disabled myself and making tutorials, especially in video form, is my dream livelihood. If it was very helpful and you'd like more tutorials, please donate to my ko-fi or patreon (link also in notes). If you'd appreciate pictures as a visual aid or to break up the wall of text, and/or if you would like this tutorial in video format, please let me know! If this tutorial was NOT helpful to you, either by being explained poorly or having steps that didn't work for you, please let me know that too! English is not my first language, and while no method will work for everyone I would like this method to be as widely accessible as possible. Thanks for reading and good luck!