There Might Be Something Wrong With Me...

There might be something wrong with me...

Does anybody else have thoughts like "I could have about 160 orange mint tic tacs and call it a meal"????  :-/ O.o :-S

Dear Diary, My Teenage Angst Has a Bodycount (It's One of Those Entries...)

     So I decided it is time for another rather angsty emo kid reflection entry, god help us... 

          Also I was realized my last rant was really long so I took the liberties if you are interested in putting in a table of content...  

                                          I. Who Am I?

                              II. Learning is for Douche Bag Slut Tools, Like Me...

                                III. What a Fucking Artsy Hipster Scene Kid...

                                        IV.  OH MY GOD, AM I GAY???

                                    V. Am I Bound to Live My Life as a             Faboulous DMV "Woman" Who Can't Drive?  GLAMOUROUS!!!!

I.     So the latest thing that has been bothering me for quite a while is a question my mother asked me, which I don't know the answer to, which terrifies me.  The question is "What do you want to do with your life?", at one point I thought I knew, but now I realize I have no idea what I want, this scares me because I feel like I am somehow losing myself.  I realize at no point did I know who I was as a person fully, but I now feel much more confused than I have ever felt.  It's like I am constantly second guessing myself and have myself wondering who am I really as a person?  I mean of course I am Bryce, also known as Buster Brown, Stella, Karamel D'Leight, and probably other names, some of which I probably don't know, but I guess the thing I am really confused on is my identity.  Like what makes me, me? 

II.     So I know this is probably confusing to follow, believe me I know, so I will try to split this up in sections and try to shed light, not just for you as the reader, but also for my own sake.  Let's start off with the question my mom was posing, "What do you want to do with your life?", for the longest time I just wanted to go to college, get a degree, get a career, and then play the rest of my life by ear and handle things as they come.  Now I realize life never goes the way you actually plan it to go, it also really isn't that fair, and it is rather messy and confusing majority of the time (or at least for me and I am assuming a lot of other people as well).  I have been out of college, not because I wanted to be, but because life sort of sucks, for about two and a half years now, part of me wants to go back, but then questions whether I should go back to the school I went to or completely change schools all together.  From what I am hearing the school I went to seems to look like it is sort of falling apart because they are getting rid of a lot of programs and faculty members, also they are doing a bunch of other things that I really do not think is ethically right, but I am not going to go into that.  I still owe them money, but this of course is after I get everything handled.  Which leads me to another fear that what if I get back into the position that I went into, which is a weird, but I feel like an understandable fear.  Another thing that bothers me is if I do go back to school I don't know what I want to do anymore.  I used to think I wanted to be a music education major, but now I do not even know if I want to be an education major.  I mean I still love music and I think I would want to major in music, but if that is the case I feel like I should find another major to major in.  Weirdly I thought maybe mass media, creative writing, or film studies, but I am not sure.  I know I want to do something creative and awesome with my life, but I am not entirely sure what. 

III.     Which brings me to another point that I am confused with.  This might sound conceded and really weird, but I feel like somewhere deep inside me there is this flower that is wanting to bloom and I know that once it starts to bloom it might be big and awesome, but I have to figure out how to take care of the flower and try not to kill it, but there are some days that I feel like I might as well pour antifreeze on the whole thing, but there are others that I know some day I will get out of this state and be something that I will be proud of.  Like I said, this is really weird and really self centered, but I just feel like I am way bigger than what I am right now.  I never want to forget who I am or who my friends are, but I think i just long for something better.  Not better friends, because the friends I have are amazing and I would never trade them for the world and I hope to have them for the rest of my life, but I just feel like I am meant for something much greater than what I have been doing and possibly anything that I have ever thought I would be doing. 

IV.     This next section is very fuzzy for me, and by fuzzy I mean I am really confused and I feel like I shouldn't, but for whatever reason I am.  This section has to do with my sexual orientation, which part of me feels like a fraud, because I feel like it shouldn't bother me as much as I let it.  I have lately been trying to figure out if I am pansexual or gay.  For those who do not know what pansexual is, pansexual is where you are pretty much gender blind and fall in love with the person and not what they have.  It differs from bisexuality because bisexuality is falling in love with a guy or a girl, while pansexual is falling in love with someone who might be a guy, a girl, an intersex person, or a transgender.  I think the reason why I have been questioning this a lot is because I, even though I don't like to admit it at some points, am a human and as humans we tend to have this need to categorize things in our brain, and lately I have been attracted much more to guys than anybody else for a while.  I guess I should say, I am ok being gay, like that is no issue for me, but the thing I feel confused about is am I just going through a phase and I will eventually go back to a neutral state, or will this keep up and I will be fully gay.  I guess time will tell and this might have been really pointless to mention, **sigh**  Oh Well....

V.     Another thing I have noticed about myself is that I am sort of a hopeless romantic at heart. Lately I have wondered if I will ever find my "soul mate" and what they would be like and how would they look.  I mean this may sound pathetic and sort of a start of romantic comedy, which I have been told my life is like a romantic comedy when my second to last relationship ended.  Which looking back was kind of funny and sad at the same time.  It was after a Valentine Date Party, if you don't know I don't drive, partly to do with not having a license and panic attacks, but anyway at the time I lived out in a small ghost town, not even a town more township, community that is a good distant away from other towns, anyway there was a lot of snow and she was dropping me off at my house from the party and before she was leaving she decided to tell me "We needed to talk..." so she dumped me, as I got out and told her goodbye, she started her car and got stuck in our driveway.  I then had to get the help from my father to dig her out as my mother proceeded to tell her that she was welcome anytime and she thought of her as a daughter...  It was really awkward, anyway I have noticed that I am really weird when it comes to intimate relationships and so I really don't look for them.  Sometimes I dream of just finding the right person, which sometimes is a man, sometimes a woman, and settling down with them, adopting kids (because my genetic gene pool sucks), and growing old together.  Then there are days I see myself becoming old, bitter, and alone, which sometimes is funny, almost all the time I find sad and scary.  I hate admitting it, but I long for a relationship like Tyler Durden and Marla, Harry and Ginny, and other kick ass relationships.  Both of these examples by the way I like because the main person has problems that they are trying to overcome and even though they are fucked up in their own little way the other person has seen them at their worse and still love them even if they are still a little fucked in the end.  That to me is so romantic and makes me long for what they have. 

     So I guess that is what has been on my mind for quite a while and I just wanted to share.  If you are reading this, I want to thank you for taking the time to read this, because I am pretty sure it seems like a crazy person just rambling about everything and nothing at the same time, which to be completely honest is exactly what it is.  So thanks and I think I will attempt to keep up on this random word/thought vomit blogging. 

Pendleton Ward doing the Lumpy Space Princess voice

This is a part of my dark side...

     So it has been forever since I have actually written an entry on this, and to be quite honest I feel like that is sort of unacceptable.  I think my main reason to start this blog was so I could write my feelings and thoughts out sort of like a journal, but not risk the possibility of anybody from my family stumbling upon it and reading what I wrote.  I know that sounds completely ridiculous because really anybody could read this, but for some reason I feel weird having a physical copy of something personal I wrote than an electric copy.  I think it is the feeling that if they stumble upon this and felt curious I wouldn't feel like it was an intrusion of my privacy, since I am placing it on a blog.  Also another thing if you haven't noticed already, my thoughts are very sporadic and sometimes confusing that even if they do make sense it is very murky.  In saying this I am going to try to explain a few things that are very personal to me, things I might not usually come out to say, because either I am embarrassed by saying all these things, or I don't want to be viewed as a Debbie Downer.  In saying that I will admit this will most likely sound like it was written by an extremely depressed emo kid, but I feel like I need to say a few thing to move on from them, or I hope that is what is needed.  So here goes nothing....

     To start off I think I need to talk about my past.  I feel like the first thing I should address is the fact I don't know my biological father.  I usually play like that does not bother me, but the truth is deep down inside it does.  It is really a complex feeling, I don't want to meet him, but I cannot get over the fact that he didn't want me.  I have days I wake up and I feel like I don't even deserve sunlight and to justify that the voices in my head tell me that even one of my biological parents didn't want me.  As I have stated before this whole thing is going to sound emo as hell, but I don't normally tell people these things because I feel like they are self pity problems, and most of them probably are so they just collect inside my head, which isn't healthy at all, so I need to spew them out before I start to drown myself in my insecurities and pity.  So if you are reading this, you really should feel sort of special because there is a reason why I am placing this on Tumblr and not Facebook, therefore I hope if you do read this you see a new side to me, because it is not a side many people see.  In saying that I feel like if you are reading this whole thing or even just skimming you deserve to see this vulnerable, insecure, "human" side of me. 

     Also I suffer from PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, when I was younger I was abused by my biological grandfather, emotionally, physically, and sexually.  I don't remember much of the sexual stuff, the stuff I have not repressed is stuff I am not to proud of and won't go into the details with.  He was bigoted and sadistic, he would call me a "nigger" and "fat ass" and then proceed to hit, burn, and cut me making it look like accidents or punishment.   This went on for quite a while from the age of about six to about fifteen.  I feel foolish for not telling anyone sometimes, but the truth is I was afraid to tell anyone.  He did a lot of things that still affect me till this day.  For instant I am very nervous around authoritative male figures and some of the fetishes that I have found out I am turned on by have a lot to do with what he put me through.  Also I remember at one point of my youth, around seven or eight, I had my first homosexual crush on a neighbor boy who was a few months younger than me.  I had talked him into doing something to me, which at the time I deemed appropriate, but now looking back realizing I basically sexually molested him.  I feel really bad for it, and I think he realizes it to, because when I do see him it is extremely awkward. 

     Apart from all this, I also had a very hard time fitting into elementary school.  I was the weird fat kid that parents didn't want there kids to be friends with.  I was definitely a loner and very misunderstood, like to the point that the school thought I had some form of autism or mental disability and made me go through a bunch of counselling and special one on one seminars.  The teasing was horrible, it got to a point where at lunch some of the people would do disgusting thing just to make me throw up, I became so conditioned to throwing up at lunch time, that once lunch time came around I would run to the bathroom and throw up and then be sent home.  The school didn't understand why I was getting sick all the time so they called my parents for a meeting and told them that they had an overweight bulimic first grader on their hands and how I should find a way to cope, because if they kept sending me home I was going to be held back.  Hence why I have a obsessive compulsion to have a water bottle with me at all times.  The teasing got really bad that by the time I reached fifth grade I "loosely" attempted suicide for the first time.  That is when my parents realized I needed to have a fresh new start and I transferred school districts. 

      My childhood wasn't all bad though, it may sound pathetic, but I am really happy to say that I meet two of my best friends which were my aunt and grandmother.  If you can imagine, I am not the easiest person to understand.  I was even more awkward back then, because I was even more uncomfortable with myself than I am now.  I could have the worst day at school, come home crying and feeling like I don't belong and all it took was a craft project or a talk with my grandmother and/or aunt and I felt a lot better about myself.  I grew up in a weird very close family, when my family was down on their luck, which happened quite a bit, we would move in with my great grandparents and my grandmother.  My father was/is a truck driver and sometimes went over the road for a couple of months multiple times.  So me, my mother, and sister would live with my grandparents.   At a couple of points my mom would work with my dad and the first time they were gone for about half a year leaving my sister and me with my grandparents.  The second time they left us at my aunt and uncle house and were gone for about a year and a half.  I still hold some grudges for the fact they left because I knew it wasn't fair to my grandparents, and aunt and uncle to have to take on two more kids so I sacrificed part of my childhood and acted more mature so my sister could have some sort of normal childhood. 

     I later learned to sort of become envious of my sister, because my parents understood her better, therefore she got what she needed while I always got placed on the back burner.  I am still pretty envious of her and my other sister, which is really annoying because I hate being a jealous person.  It always feels like I am always the one sacrificing for everyone else only to be screwed over by everyone else.  My sister tends to have a "Fuck You" like philosophy for life and my parents tend to bend backwards for her.  Like I know my parents love me, but sometimes I feel like they take me for granted and will say anything to shut me up if I try to tell them how I am feeling.  Which leads into why I tend to avoid confrontations and bottle up my emotions, which causes me to blow up when I get overwhelmed. 

     By the time I was in middle school I had my first socially awkward confusing race profiling moment.  In middle school I was "dating" a girl and there was Valentine dance I invited her to, I even went out and bought a flower for her.  I paid for myself to get in and waited for her to come, so I stood by the entrance because I had planned to pay for her to get in, I waited and waited.  I waited for the entire dance for her to come so I could pay her way in and give her, her flower.  She never showed I even made some people cry because I was stood up with flower and money in hand.  I later found out that her family got into a fight about her coming to the dance with me because my skin tone was darker than Caucasian.  This was confusing for me because at the time I had no idea what my heritage was, which we will get to later on, but we ended up breaking up for her mother's sake. 

     For the most part High school seemed to go by pretty quick for me, I really enjoyed my time there and met some really cool people.  I also didn't date during this duration of time.  What did happen during this period of my life was I found out I didn't know who my biological father was and also I am a quarter black.  Most people think I showed up to school crying because I found out I was black, but contrary to popular belief I was upset that I was lied to for a good chunk of my life.  I felt like everyone in my family betrayed me and to this day still feel sort of like that.  Also let me tell you how annoying it is to hear the question, "How did you not know?"  the truth is I think I always speculated I was different than my sisters, I just didn't know how. 

     After high school I decided to go to a community college to save money.  I ended up hating it, the reasoning is because I felt like it was way to easy and I actually felt like I was losing valuable information I had learned in high school that was not being used at the community college.  I am not saying community college are horrible by any means, it was just not for me, especially wanting to go into music education.   Also around this time I realized that I had strong feelings for a friend from high school.  To this day I feel embarrassed and like a complete creeper, I told her how I felt in a facebook message.  She then said how she didn't feel the same way and also how she wasn't looking for anyone romantically. I can respect that, but a semester break that included a depression period, a suicide attempt, and a major panic attack later I was at the same university as the girl I had a crush on.  I knew there was not a chance with her, but I wanted our friendship to be back the way it was.  During my break I was also texting her a lot, but I guess it was really creeping her out, which she didn't say anything, so me showing up at the same university she was attending really made me seem like a creeper.  So she avoided me, which made me feel exactly like the protagonist in the song "Creep" by Radiohead.  Till this day I feel stupid and ashamed about how I made her feel.  I think she wants to reconnect from where we were in high school, but I can't get over how embarrassed I feel. 

     So let's go back a little way, during the semester break, I had experienced my first panic attack.  I remember it pretty well because I, like most, thought I was dying from a heart attack.  What happens, at least for me is I start to realize that my heart is racing, my breathing gets short, and I feel dizzy.  From there it feels like any hope and joy that I have ever experienced is thrown out of me, leaving only pain and despair.  It is how I imagine what it feel like being attacked by dementors.  In those minutes it feels like death is coming and there is nothing that can be done to prevent it.  From this I had to go back into therapy because I was not sleeping and I feared that I was going to have another full major panic attack.  They also had me experimenting on anti-depressents, which really do work, but I hated being on them, because they kept making me sick and also made me feel content with everything.  Never really sad, angry or even really happy, just content.  So I eventually stop taking them because I hated that feeling, just content, never really fixing anything, just coping and existing.  I eventually started to become even more self loathing and attempted, this time more seriously, suicide.  I am pretty sure my parents have never found out about this, and the people I have told, I told them that I got scared and forced myself to puke out the pill, but in reality I ended up involuntarily puking them out.  That is when I decided I needed to have a change and a purpose.  So that is how I ended up going to the sadly short lived university experience. 

     My time at the university I went to was the happiest time of my life.  I met awesome people, that I wish I could see more often and get to know them better.  The friends I did make are some of the most influential, caring, inspirational, and just amazing people I have met.  I am not saying I have not met people like them in high school, because I definitely have, it is just "they met me at a weird time in my life".  Yes, I just quoted Fight Club, get over it...  Anyway I would like to thank a group of gentlemen who I look up to and wish I could see a lot more often.  They took me in without judgement, making me feel like I belonged without any questions.  I sometimes feel like I let them down, which really sucks because I want them to believe in me as much as I believe in them, but I sometimes feel like I disappointed them.  I am not saying I have to prove myself to them, because I don't, but they inspire me to be a better human.  Some of them even knew the situation about my former crush, and yet still accepted me for me, even if at times I am/was socially awkward.  For that I want to say if I let you down I am really sorry, I tried, I really did, I regret nothing and I am glad I got to meet you.  This actually goes for anyone who falls into this category, which if you have read this much you are part of it.  I just wish I could have done more or something to make up for feeling like I let anybody down. 

     My time at the university was short lived because of two reasons, the first one is finacial reasons.  I tried to keep this under the carpet because I was embarrassed by it, and also I wanted to stay so bad I was in denial for a while.  The second reason is because of cancer.  My grandmother was diagnosed with cervical cancer.  At the time they started treatment which was chemo and radiation.  It went in remission for a while, but as soon as we thought we had briefly conquered it and she was just going to be living with cancer it started growing. It was decided that I would be living with my grandparents to help out with everything.  This is where a lot of self loathing sets in, I am not happy for how I handled somethings, I was resentful some days and sometimes just fully depressed.  I was starting to lose myself, during the week days I would work at my grandparents and then on the weekends go home sleep and cry.  It was eating me alive, I felt alone and hopeless, I needed help, but no one was around to help.  My grandfather (step) worked full time so they could have insurance, my mom quit her job in the city and got a less paying job to be closer, but she was constantly working, then my aunt a few years before all this moved to Texas.  I grew resentful because I felt like I was abandoned and was forced to do something that was killing me.  Not only was she my grandmother, she was my second mother, my first best friend, my heroine, my role model, she was the first person who inspired me to be different, to be creative, to always be positive even if the world was dark and depressing.  She believed in me when I felt alone, useless, and just a surplus being.  She is the reason why I had my university experience, she believed in me when it seemed like no one else did, she lent me money to pay for things. It killed a piece of me, losing her, but not only just losing her, but watching her go and not being able to do anything, but make her comfortable.  I hate myself for ever resenting her and sometimes being rude, or the times I didn't hear the intercom go off because I was exhausted and passed out.  I should have never resented her and resented everyone else in my family who didn't help out.  I begged for help and they hardly came, for the most part it was just me and my grandfather.  I still feel very angry with myself and wish I could apologize for sometimes just being rude and depressed.  If I could go back I would of been better and less selfish, because even while she was sick she was still positive.  I mean she had her moments of course that she would be depressed, but for the most part she seemed happy.  I just wish I would have been better.   To be quite honest I am crying I think for the first time after her death while writing this, for the longest time I thought there was something wrong with me because even at her memorial I would not cry. 

     Now that my grandma has passed things have not returned back to normal, instead they got even more chaotic.  I have noticed I have become much more cynical and dark, which I hate.  Also I have noticed my depression level has gone up, on top of all that my parents have decided to separate.  Which honestly does not bother me, but I can't stand the bitterness, the deceitfulness, or deception that is going on.  I feel like my whole world is falling apart and I cannot do a god damned thing.  I hate everything that has or is happening, everything is in ruins and I can't help but think I should have done something different that could have prevented all this.  On top of it all I feel like any connection I have with people will be cut off at some point and I will end up alone and broken.  Everyone around me seems to either be having children, getting married, or leaving Kansas.  I mean I am happy for them, I am not raining on anyone's parade.  I guess where my insecurities lies is that I will lose everyone, that we will stop talking and I will become this horrible person.  I just want to make sure wherever these people end up, we will not stop talking, because I want them to be in my, currently chaotically medieval like, life.   These people might not know how much of an impact they have on my life, they are the thing that makes my life worth living right now, that may sound pathetic, but without them I would not be grounded and probably either be dead or clinically insane, and that is not an over exaggeration.  

     The truth why I wrote this is because if you did read all of this, you definitely deserve to see a more deeper side of me.    You most likely deserve a better me, than the one I am giving you, and for that I am sorry and I now hope you understand me on a whole different level.  I know this whole thing was very long and probably painfully adolescent angst filled, but I really do hope that might explain why I am, the way I am, even if that is stubborn and a pain in the ass sometimes.  And with that I want to thank you for letting me know you for taking a chance on me, and I hope I will get to know you even better.