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Which Team Fortress 2 Mercenary Has The Most Slappable Ass? A Scientific Analysis

Given my recent focus on the wonders that are the mercs' polygons, and the fact that this is a Horny Blog™, I realized that a study like this lies squarely within my wheelhouse. It is not merely within my power to conduct a study like this - being in the position I am, it is my responsibility.

In this essay, I will rank the mercs' asses from least to most slappable.

There is a very important question we need to answer first, though:

The answer is simpler than you think!

The slappability of a polygonal ass is dependent on how many polygons it has. This is because, if you were to add jiggle physics of some kind, those physics need geometry to work with! The more faces you have, the more variation you can see in movements when it reacts to being slapped.

To illustrate this, I created a couple of spheres and I, well... slapped them.

You can see that the top sphere has many more polygons in it than the bottom one does, and the reaction to the same slap force is much more dramatic when there are more polygons.

Of course, this particular slap is pretty brutal - we're not trying to liquefy anyone's ass here - but I think the point is made. The more polygons an ass has, the more we can make that booty clap.

Now, with that established, I'll explain how I defined the asses themselves. Note that the selection of ass polygons wasn't an exact science here. They all have wildly varying shapes and arrangements for their polygons, and I tried to be fair in my selection of the polygons that defined the observably slappable regions of their asses.

I erred on the side of caution, and left out some polygons that could technically be part of the ass, but were also part of the taint... and nobody wants their taint slapped. (Do they? Well, if you're into that, you can add 4-6 polygons to some of these to get a more accurate count of the slappable region.)

The selections are defined as the polygons that are showing up in orange. I also included the Blender status bar that's showing how many vertices/edges/faces I have selected. I can't just show you a bunch of asses with no numbers next to them, 'cause then this wouldn't be science, now, would it?

And now, without further ado... the TF2 Merc Asses, from Least to Most Slappable.

#9 - Medic (20 Polygons)

It is with a heavy heart that I start by proclaiming that Ludwig, the love of my life, the heart and soul of this blog, has the saddest ass of the whole team. Clocking in at only 20 polygons, you would probably see only the faintest wobble from any of these vertices even if you whacked it with a 2x4. Well, there's a reason I focus most of my attention on his face.

#8 - Soldier (24 Polygons)

Jane's ass is shaped like one of those aliens from Space Invaders... or a Transformer, or something. Just a very interesting layout to these polygons. But due to a low polygon count, it isn't very slappable - and it SHOULDN'T BE, because a proper AMERICAN ASS should be UNYIELDING. When you slap this tight patriotic ass, your HAND is the one that gets critically hit!

#7 - Spy (24 Polygons)

Spy is actually tied with Soldier, but it's really interesting to see just how different the shapes are. Spy's ass kinda just looks like a flat piece of paper. But on the bright side, this is an ass built for stealth. He won't have to worry about alerting anyone with the clap of those asscheeks.

#6 - Pyro (34 Polygons)

Our favorite ambiguous freak has an ass shaped like a soldier ant's head. Good for blocking tight passageways to keep you from running away while you're burning alive. Probably also good for biting things. Hey, you don't know what's under there, it could be anything!

The next three are tied, but I've tried to sub-rank them based on my general impressions about them.

#5 - Sniper (36 Polygons)

Mundy's down-undies are just kind of strange. This has that 'soldier ant' shape that Pyro had, but without the same harmony in the arrangement of the triangles. There's something about this one that feels a bit 'all over the place' to me.

#4 - Heavy (36 Polygons)

Unsure how to feel about this one - the general curvature is indeed quite ass-shaped, but I have qualms with just how much each triangle is being stretched out. It gives me the impression that he is crammed into a pair of pants that are desperately holding in a great deal more geometry than we actually see here. Only Ludwig knows the true polygon count.

#3 - Demoman (36 Polygons)

This man has the squarest ass I have ever seen in my life. Not only is he a Black Scottish cyclops, but his ass is straight out of Minecraft. This shape is just so impressive to me. Given the uniform nature of the polygons involved, the jiggle we'd see from a solid whack across these cheeks would probably be oddly satisfying, if somewhat unorthodox.

#2 - Engineer (44 Polygons)

With a dump-truck weighing in at a hefty 44 polygons, Dell definitely has one of the most ass-shaped asses of the whole team. I'm not an expert, but I have a feeling that the topology here is reasonable, and would produce pleasant results if slapped.

#1 - Scout (84 POLYGONS!!!!)

DEAR GOD.

THE LEGENDS WERE TRUE...

Scooter

Funny bunnies and some cats

Mobkies :-))

Pouth sark

More sketchbook dumps ☆

Some drawings i did while watching my favorite childhood show

Too many funny noises man

its my birthday today, my gift to you is this doodle page, and some pictures of my cat :]

practice practice batter up that drawing tablet amirite fellas

Spy Around Here

ok.....this.... this is my very first tf2 animatic.....or my very first tf2 related thing I did..... I'm... I'm so sorry.....

my idea of a fem scout B-))

not sure if i wanna make her more masculine though hmm

I've been watching horrid henry lately and it's been doing amazing for my english pronounciation B-))

Finally do some decent animation after months and it’s this

got clip studio and went totally HAM

Also Scout looks kinda goofy like goofy af but he's just silly hknow

Got a swaggy nice haircut yesterday and then I got the idea to draw myself als my fave merc

idk if this is a thing but i'd love to see it be a thing

As a purveyor of weird/quirky internet things, there are few things I love more than coming across a new little tool to make fun things with. Here's a running list of some of my favorites that I've found!

Games

Bitsy is a "little editor for little games or worlds" and one of my personal favorite tools on this list. A good first start if you want to make a game and have never made one before. It's got a pretty extensive wiki if you want to add audio, animations, etc.

Flickgame is just about as simple as it gets. You get 16 colors and 16 slides, and clicking colors is how you get to different slides. Super easy and fun!

Flicksy is both of the above combined! Make more complicated sprites that lead between branching rooms. Full disclosure, I've never actually made something with this, but it's been on my radar for a while.

Twine is almost too mainstream to put on this list, but it's a great one to know about. It's a tool for making those interactive fiction games where you click on the words to progress. So fun and hugely customizable.

Music

Beepbox is my current favorite way to create music. You get 16 measures and a pretty expansive set of preset instruments, with the option of making your own adjustments. The song is stored in the web address, so sharing is as simple as copy pasting the link! You can also export your music (so that you can add it to your games) UPDATE: Turns out you can have more than 16 measures! I just can't read. That makes it more cool!

Art

Piskel is an easy way to make pixel art sprites and animations. It's easy to use and you can resize sprites too!

Websites

Neocities!!! I cannot recommend this one enough. Build your own websites from scratch! Revel in the vibes of the internet in the late 1990s - early 2000s! This does require some coding knowledge, but there are plenty of resources out there to help. Speaking as someone who had 0 coding skills before making my site, it's very easy to pick up.

Domino is another tool that I've never actually used but have always wanted to. It's "a tool for collaging fragmentary thoughts and ideas without the friction of assembling them into linear writing", and is essentially a bunch of boxes that connect to one another, sort of like a mind map.

ProBoards is a free(!) forum creation website. You can even customize the layout with your Neocities coding knowledge!

Carrd is in no way underground, but as far as easy website tools come, it's one of the best, so it deserves to be here. Plus you can definitely make interesting and quirky things with it - this little game is one of my favorite carrds I've ever seen!

Please add any tools you love in the notes! I just adore finding things like this, and I'm sure there are some I've missed. It's important for creativity to sometimes spend an afternoon making a weird song or website that you never would have normally. I hope this inspires you to create!

drawing characters in my fit but the lazy version

Some scouts on aggie

Some old Scout sketches

I have been absolutely obsessed with tf2 lately