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Tagged by: @anomieheld​ ( I obviously stole it. )

Tagging: @aethxreus​, @stestylius​, and @rhyra​

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Free!

You Fill My Head with You

Cordelia Goode x Reader

Word Count: 2.4k

Summary: Cordelia is everything you’re not, gentle and kind and good, but what you refuse to see is that she’s everything you want too.

Warnings: Fluff & Angst, my specialty.

A/N: One little birthday fic for @thesupremeswife. :)) It was supposed to be enemies to lovers but I think it reads more like “idiot who doesn’t think she’s worthy falls in love with the Supreme”. Which is a common theme for me apparently.

Song: Bloom by The Paper Kites

You can hear her still. Over the clinking of silverware against dishes and the chatter of too many voices speaking at once, her voice comes to you all the way from the other end of the table. Amidst the murmur, through the laughter, everywhere and all at once, it climbs in your ears, huskiness and warmth, and settles in like it lives in you.

You can see her still. An angel with a halo of gold and a floral patterned dress. She laughs at something Myrtle says and the smile that forms is real and lovely and it makes her nose crinkle at the corners and you hate how you wish it were you making her smile like that. You don’t think you ever have. Too much history there, too much tension, too many emotions you can’t decipher. You have never made her smile, but you have made her angry. You have seen the way dark shades of amber cut at you from across the room when your sarcasm is too sharp, have felt the way her hand has curled around your bicep to tug you away from your own danger, have heard the barbs on her tongue when you make a foolish mistake. Cordelia is patient and gentle and kind to everyone, even you, but you won’t let her. You don’t deserve her kindness. You don’t even want it. You only want-

You can taste her still.

You get up from the table without realizing you’re moving at all, brushing your chair back so hard that it scrapes against the floor and every eye in the room turns to look at you. You don’t falter under their attention, you don’t care enough to, turning on your heel and walking out the door before your name can fall from her lips.

The door shuts behind you as you flee the Academy and just as you make it down the steps, it bursts open again, the angel on your heels. You don’t look back to see her, you don’t want to see her, you only want-

You bury the yearning deep, deep down and lock the door.

“Y/N?” It is so gentle. Why does she always have to be so gentle?

The greenhouse looms in front of you and you don’t know why you duck inside when you know it’s her place, her refuge, her safety, her soul in physical form. Maybe that’s why. You hate that it is just as much your safety to be wrapped up in her goodness.

“Y/N!” Her footsteps echo behind you before her fingers grab at yours and she pulls you to a stop just inside the door. You stand together among the greenery, the flowers and plants and life that has blossomed from her very hands, and you feel so infinitely small to be there with her.

You whirl around to face her, your eyes meeting and your breath catching like you have never met an angel in person, but here you are face to face, and a part of you believes she can’t be real, but if you reach out and touch her, you know her skin will be warm and soft, rose petals that would never bloom beneath your hands. Still, you’ve touched it before. It is all so familiar that you ache.

“Y/N! Will you please stop for a minute?”

You ignore her, or try to, before your hands brush and she’s grabbing and pulling you to face her. Your chest feels heavy and it heaves as you look into her eyes and see the reflection of a future you’ll never have. She stands in a wedding dress, simple and elegant but beautiful as all things are when they come in contact with an angel. Autumn leaves blow free from the trees above and sink down to the ground only to turn to ash at your feet.

“Where are you going?” Her fingers had let go as soon as she touched you, the first and only time her skin has brushed your own and you hate that you wish it wasn’t. Her eyes are big and blown as they plead with you, touching you still despite the distance between you both.

You stiffen and step away from her, resisting the urge to keep running and never look back. You try to wipe the image of them together out of your mind. “Well, it’s over now, right?” you say finally.

“If by ‘it’ you mean my wedding, then yes, it is over,” she retorts, eyebrows furrowed as she looks at you with something akin to anger, but it is Cordelia, and Cordelia doesn’t get angry. Only hurt. Only disappointed. Only everything someone like Cordelia shouldn’t feel, but does because the world is unjust and cruel. You are part of the reason she hurts. When her voice comes, it is so full of vehemence that it stuns you into silence. “I thought you could at least put all this bullshit behind us for one day. I just got married, why can’t you be happy for me?”

Your nostrils flare as you try to control the storm of emotions going on inside you but they are so many and it is so loud. Your ears ring. “I don’t see why you need me to be happy for you,” you say instead of just telling her what she wants to hear.

She stares at you and you look away because you think she looks beautiful, too beautiful for someone like him. Too beautiful for someone like you. “I don’t either,” she admits. You bite the inside of your cheek when the comment stings you. “You’ve been nothing but unkind to me since day one. Every time I reach out, you pull away. Every time I try to bridge the gap, you knock it down. I’ve been trying so hard for years, ever since we were teenagers. I just don’t understand what I ever did to make you hate me.” Her voice cracks and so does yours even though you’re not even speaking.

You try to ignore the well of tears in your eyes, the yearning in your heart that tells you it’s okay to want, the thing inside you that says you are not good enough for kind, loving, gentle Cordelia. You know it’s true. You turn to her to say words sharp enough to send her back, but she looks at you breathlessly, dark eyes teary as she takes you in, and you can’t say anything at all.

“Well?”

“Well, what?” you respond and it’s a wonder the words don’t get stuck in your throat.

The moment stretches between you before she nods as if making up her mind right then and there. “I should have never expected anything different from you,” she snaps, but her tone is still soft, still kind even when she’s angry. She pulls up her dress to keep it from dragging on the ground and goes to move past you when something inside you urges you not to let her go and you don’t, reaching out before you think and wrapping your fingers around her arm.

You’re pushing her into the wall of the reception venue behind you before you even register that you’re doing it. You only have a second to take in the wide blown of her eyes before you’re kissing her, hands cupping her face and stroking the skin of her cheekbones and you knew she would be soft but you didn’t think she would feel like home. Her mouth opens beneath your own, her tongue tentative before you’re brushing against it, savoring her, taking her all in. Hot and heady and desperate as you drink in the taste of the forbidden fruit. Her fingers clutch at your hair, pulling you as close as you can get and in the back of your mind, you wonder if anyone is watching you kiss the bride on her wedding day.

“Cordelia?”

She pulls away from you before you can even comprehend that it wasn’t you saying her name, chest breathing in time with yours as you both try to catch your breath. Her eyes flick between your own and they are so, so brown. You want to see them every morning when the sun shines through the curtains just right, lighting them on fire in shades of bright amber. You want to see them every night when she’s curled up in your arms, the moon reflecting back at you in a sea of stars. You only want-

“Don’t go,” you say finally, desperately, the words broken before they can completely leave your lips. She reaches up and wipes a tear away from your cheek. Your heart stutters to a stop while her hand cradles your face. Like the plants that have blossomed between them, you wonder if she, too, will take care of you. If she will help you grow and nurture you until you are a lively, fully bloomed rose. If she will trim your thorns and hold you gently and love you eternally, but you know that you are not a rose. You are a weed.

Without a word, she hikes up her dress, pushes past you, and walks away, back to him, back to the future you’ll have no part in, back to happiness because happiness isn’t you. You watch her go and feel your face crumple. Your tears fall to the ground and turn into ash at your feet.

You’ve been here before. The both of you, just like this, except Cordelia has changed. You’ve watched her grow into herself, a baby bird who didn’t know how to fly suddenly transforming into a blazing phoenix who owns the skies. All of the things you envy didn’t go away when she became the Supreme. Instead, they only seemed to become more. More kind, more gentle, more fierce, more loving, more, more, more. All the things you envied as you grew up alongside her became all the things that made her the best Supreme you could ever have. Or at least, you tell yourself that it’s envy. You would rather it be envy than love for someone you’ll never deserve.

You look at each other like you’ve never looked at each other before, like your eyes have never met across a crowded room or her hands haven’t brushed against your skin or your lips didn’t meet on the day of her wedding. You look at each other like maybe you are seeing what’s real for the first time. You only want-

“I can’t get you out of my head,” you say, startling yourself, but not Cordelia who looks at you with dark knowing eyes. You hate that she makes you feel so seen. Safe.

“Do you want me to be?” she asks.

“I did,” you admit, swallowing the ball in your throat and turning away from her. You can’t look at her while she’s looking at you like that. “I’ve been trying to push you away this whole time.”

Her fingers catch your wrist before you can get too far and you wonder if she can feel your heartbeat thrumming beneath her fingertips. It’s for you, you think. “I know,” she murmurs. “I thought you hated me. Before…” she trails off and you can picture the day she’s speaking of clearly in your mind. A white dress, autumn leaves, the taste of her in your mouth.

“I never hated you,” you say and you remember reading somewhere that the truth will set you free, but you feel more caged than ever, like a weed growing between cracks in the middle of the pavement. “How could I when the sun comes out just to shine on you when you walk?”

Cordelia looks at you in wonder with teary eyes and pupils blown wide. “Then why-?”

“Because you are too good, Cordelia,” you snap, and the anger makes your hands tremble where she won’t let you go. You don’t have the strength to pull away. “Because you are everything that is right in the world and I am everything that’s not. I’m greedy and selfish and the first to look away when someone needs help. I take while you give, and I will not take that from you.”

“Take what?” She steps closer to you, head tilted down so she can meet your eyes and you have no choice. You can’t look away.

“The good,” you breathe as if to expel the demons from your soul. You only want her.

Cordelia tilts her head and you think maybe that’s pity you see in her eyes, pity for a broken soul who doesn’t know how to love without ruining everything she touches. “You foolish girl,” she murmurs.

You only have a moment to blink before Cordelia’s grabbing your face and kissing you, the force of it pushing you back into the greenhouse door. The motion is jarring but you melt into it, tangling your fingers in her hair as her tongue slides into your mouth. She tastes just like you remember. Better, because this time she kissed you. A gift for the demented, a donation for the poor, maybe, but you’ll take it all the same. Because that’s what you do. You take.

You whimper into her mouth, feel the scrape of her tongue against your teeth and she pulls back to look at you before you can commit the feel of it to memory. “I’ve been trying to give it to you all this time,” she says, slow and loving against your mouth.

You are scared to ask, but you do it anyway. The fear is a part of you, so much so that you’re used to its weight. You don’t remember what life was like before it curled up inside you to stay. Your heart pounds against your chest and your soul begs you to let it go, but you are a fool. “Give me what?”

Her eyelashes flutter against yours, exchanging tears of desperation as your noses brush, soft and intimate. Slow, like the whole world has stopped just for you. She looks into your eyes and smiles and you wonder if it was you who put it there. “Love.” She kisses you again and inside your soul, a weed blooms into a lively, fully formed rose the same shade as Cordelia’s hair.

Beneath her touch, you think maybe you can be beautiful too.

Tag List: @supremeinlilac @lovelypeasantjellyfish @angelxsarahp @everyoneseesaghost @serawalkerwrites @vintagepaulson @violentwavesofem0tion @twistedpoeticjustice @goodeday2u @lucyintheskywithxanax (If you’d like to be added or removed, just let me know x.)