My Heart Hurts.

my heart hurts.

— clair de rose (m) (6)

pairing; ot8/f.reader

word count; 44.3k

genre; vampire!pirates! au, fantasy

summary; escaping your master's home, you stumble upon a ship that houses the fiercest brigand crew around. unbeknownst to you, the captain of the ship has had his eyes on you for a while.

note: this fic deals with the subject of yandere. with that being said, a lot of the things happening in this fiction will be manipulation, gaslighting, and various other techniques displayed by the characters. if you are not comfortable with that, please do not read.

— prequel to clair de lune, also part six of clair de lune (can be read as a standalone fic) warnings under cut

part five | part seven

content: angst, descriptions of violence, blood, knives, guns, pirate-centred, anxiety, panic attacks, graphic description/s of stabbing/fighting, explicit language, suicide mentions, scars, past emotional/physical abuse mentions, manipulation, lying, character death/s (MCD), if you squint there's fluff, smut

Hundreds of years prior

You grip the lining of your dress, heels clicking against the wooden stairs as you make your way up to the ship. The air is colder compared to just moments ago, illumination peeking just over the treeline. As soon as you step to the top, a man shifts, stepping just in front of you. His wear is worn compared to yours, chequered patterns, loose-fitting trousers held up with a thick black belt. His scarf wrapped around his check, wrists decorated with leathers of many sorts. He’s a pirate if you’ve ever seen one. You hold in your breath, handing him a cotton sheet. He glances down, taking it from your fingers.

“You are to board the first ship offland,” he reads, eyes flicking over the words. It's the best writing you could attempt at short notice. You look back, the quick steps of the royal guards moving closer to where you now stand. Just moments away from catching you. “And it must be ours?”

“Yes sir,” you grip his wrist. “It is of utmost importance that I enter your ship at this very moment.”

“Well, miss,” he looks down at your wear. A dress covers your figure, corset tight around your waist. Mud covers your once golden heels, The rips showing your ankles is scandalous enough, especially from someone of your class. He holds the paper tightly. “I must say we weren't aware of someone like yourself coming, and we do not take aboard estranged wealthy folk that have run away. My apologies.” He bows slightly. The crew is completely off the dock now, only he stands there. “We cannot be involved in your wrongdoings.”

“I do not have another choice at this time, sir,” your words are desperate now. “I will leave once you arrive at the next dock.”

“That is months away–"

“Please, sir,” you beg. He licks his lips, eyes on his ship then moving behind you. They widen slightly, a sigh escaping his mouth.

“Enter.” He moves to the side. You stumble up the ramp, his body close behind as he pulls the last ropes off the pillars. Before the guards get the chance to ask about you, he’s already grunting, pulling up the hatch. It hits the ship with a loud boom, arm outstretched to lock it completely. He sighs, rubbing his sullied hands against his top. His eyes move to yours, another sigh escaping him.

“What is your name?”

“Rose,” you say. He moves around you, throwing his shoulder against a barrel to shift it closer to the opposing wall. “My name is Rose, sir.”

You cannot see how his expression shifts.

His lip quirks. “Rose. How delightful. Well, I am Yunho. Master gunner, but majority of the time just another mate. I have–” he lifts a pallet with ease, thrusting it against boxes “– No authority when it comes to new members of our crew. And because you are a woman, though there’s nothing wrong with that,” he adds. “You’re a risk. I trust the main crew, but I do not trust the hires that often desert once we arrive at the next dock. You are now a problem.”

“I will remain in the quarters you choose for me,” you say, stumbling when you feel the boat shift. He reaches out, helping you steady yourself. “And I will not interfere in anything nor anywhere I am not needed, sir. You can throw me in a cell if necessary.”

His head tilts, brows furrowing. “Though I appreciate the assurance, I will not hide you. You are to meet our captain, Miss Rose.” He gestures to the ladder just in front of the two of you. “The orlop does not have much ventilation, and it would displease me if you were to perish before you arrive at your next destination.”

You move to the ladder, glancing back at Yunho. He covers his eyes, turning around. “I would never let my eyes stray. In fact,” he moves around you, taking steps up the ladder with ease. “It would be alarming to the others seeing a beautiful Rose leaving the bottom of our ship. It’d lessen their shock if they see me first. Please,” he peeks down through the hole, a smile on his lips. “With haste miss, there’s much to do before we enter the neverending sea.”

With great hesitance your fingers curl around the wooden bars, lifting yourself up step by step. A bit frustrated with your heels, you kick them off. Yunho watches as they disappear into the darkness. His laugh is filled with astonishment as he helps you up the rest of the way, a hand resting politely on your waist as he helps you steady yourself. Without another word, he digs in his pockets, large cloths appearing. He bends down, gesturing for you to step into it.

“Ah, that isn’t necessary,” you insist, shaking your head. “I would not dare dirty something you own, sir.”

“You are on this ship as a guest, even if momentarily. I cannot have you walking barefoot, miss,” he insists, “It would be ungentlemanly of me to even consider doing the opposite. And please, just call me Yunho.”

“Gentlemanly,” you whisper, watching as he slowly wraps it around you. He’s careful not to touch your skin. “I have not come across that many pirates who are gentlemen.”

He chuckles, “Pirates. Are they not illegal? Why would you consider us anything like that?”

“Despite your politeness, sir,” You follow his body as he stands, his height making your neck bend back slightly. “I recognize Captain Hongjoong’s flag anywhere. I will not ever enter a ship without knowing a bit about it. That would be foolish, no?”

“Your act of entering was foolish enough,” he gestures in front of him, letting the two of you walk slowly. You assume you’re moving to the stern to greet his captain. “What would you have done if I denied you?”

You dig into your pocket, silver shining in the low light. “I would have entered either way, sir.”

“Ah, showing a weapon to a stranger,” he shakes his head. “You have just threatened me and yet here I am, bringing you to my captain.”

“Who is the ill-advised one now?” You quip. Another laugh erupts from his chest, disappearing just as it begins. “Oh?” You raise a brow.

“We have unwelcome company,” he says just as another man appears. His height matches Yunho’s, perhaps a slight shorter than he. His trousers are covered in gunpowder and other odd substances, sweat dripping down his skin as he holds a leather bag in his hands. His eyes stay on you, flustered.

“You are a woman,” his voice matches his looks. Handsome.

“I have been my whole life,” you state simply. His lips lift into a smile, gaze moving to the man beside you.

“Does Capt’ know?”

“He would if you weren’t standing in our way, Mingi,” Yunho points out, gesturing for him to move. “Make sure none of your filth touches Miss Rose. And please enter the shower rooms, you smell like the bottom of the blue. Mind your tongue once you leave us,” His nose wrinkles.

You’re sure you would see red cover his cheeks if it weren’t for the dirt. He bows quickly, eyes meeting yours as he does so. “It was a pleasure to meet you, Miss Rose. Even if ever so briefly, I will remember it for the rest of my days.” He immediately steps around the two of you, his stomps fading. You look back at him for a moment, before following Yunho once more.

“He is quite the charmer.”

“He is a buffoon,” Yunho rolls his eyes. “But he is a dear friend of mine. You’re often left a bit disorientated when you have a full conversation with him, but he is one of few men who I trust with my life. And he is one of our gunners, as well as other maintenance tasks. But nevertheless,” he waves himself off. “I’ve been pulled from the task at hand. By now I am sure Captain has been told of your presence. There is no such thing as a secret on this ship. Especially when Mingi spots something interesting. Or someone, I should say."

The two of you make it to the stern. Two knocks to the door and Yunho enters, leaving space for you to stand next to him. CAPTAIN is embossed into a metal bracket hanging on the wood, tapping against it when Yunho shuts it just behind him. The man sitting at the desk is engrossed in his writing, so you take a brief moment to examine the room around you.

Paintings line the walls, bolted surely for the unsteadiness that is being on a large ship like this. Some frames are too far from your sight to examine, drawings of people. You expect the captain's office to be lined with treasure, instead it is filled with memories. It's clean nonetheless, the smell of liquor evident. Your eyes flick to the shelf behind him. Yunho clears his throat, the captain placing his feather into his holder, folding his paper and tossing it into a top drawer. He stands, boots clicking against the floor. Yunho is relaxed as he makes his way over to you.

You hold the knife in your pocket close. Though Captain Hongjoong appears calm, you've heard the rumors. He is not one of the most feared captains on the sea without reason. He's much younger than you presumed, though. Height is rather lacking in a sense. But where he hasn't in height he holds in pure power and confidence, back straight and eyes peering into yours. His hair is slick back, cut rather short in comparison to everyone else. And it is blond, jewelry lining his ears and body. The rings in particular catch your eye, golden against his skin.

“One of the higher classes on our ship?” He glances over your outfit, eyes lingering on the torn fabric grazing your ankles. “A runaway from her duties?”

“Their whims are no duties of mine,” you retort. “And all of you are presuming that I am of higher status when I have not even uttered a word about it.”

“Clothing is quite telling, Rose.” It’s odd the way he says your name. Politeness dripped from everyone’s voices when they spoke to you, but this Captain. He addresses you as if you’re equal. Though strange it is a bit comforting being treated the same. “Then what are you?”

“I am only here to travel to the next port, and that is all. Inquiring more about me is not necessary.”

“No?” His brow raises. “Then what am I to do if the royal guard stops us in the middle of the sea? Proclaim that I haven’t the slightest inkling of your origin? Do you think that would bode over well?” He leans forward, eyes flicking to your hand tucked in your pocket. “That is not wise, Rose. A silver knife will do nothing if I truly want to hurt you.” He holds out his hand, taking a step back.

You look to Yunho but he only shrugs, chewing on a small stick. Your gaze moves back to the captain as he waits patiently, hand still outstretched. You remove the knife from your pocket and into Hongjoong’s hand. He nods, placing it on his desk.

“Now, tell me where you’re from.”

“The dock you just departed.”

“And your position in society?”

“A handmaiden.”

He nods slowly, “That would explain your wear. But you are usually at the whim of your caretaker, what made you leave?”

“They wanted me to birth a son for the master of the house. He was not a good man. And even if he were, I would not allow a child of mine to be given to a woman who cannot even treat her daughters right. I would not allow that, even if I could birth children.”

“You are infertile?” His brows furrow. “How would you know?”

“I have had many partners in my short days, captain. I am not unknowing when it comes to the act of pleasure,” you explain simply. “But that is diverging from the point. I soon found out after that the master knew of my family’s origin. He told me that a crew of pirates killed my family, that is why I was orphaned at such a young age. I was of higher class once and I was sold to them. I am not merely here to just escape their clutches. I am here to find out where I am from, and who murdered my family.”

“And you believe that you would find it out on this ship?”

No. It would be silly of you to try in the middle of the ocean. This was just your getaway, nothing else was planned. “I just needed to leave.”

Though you explain nothing more, the captain nods slowly. “Alright. You can stay as long as need be,” he holds out his hand. You slowly take it, watching as he lifts it to his lips, soft against your skin. “I am Kim Hongjoong, Captain of the Hiraeth. It is a pleasure to see a true Rose in person. We have much to discuss.”

-

Yunho guided you out of his office soon after that, the captain explaining that he has other matters to attend to and will speak with you later. Just as Yunho shuts the door quietly behind the two of you, another voice speaks up.

“So you are Miss Rose?”

You turn, meeting the eyes of another. His presence only bears the question: how are all of these men handsome? You’ve met only a few of the crew so you doubt that it would spread across the whole ship, but it’s very strange. Not once have you met a more handsome crew of pirates. Most rarely kept themselves as clean as you’ve seen these men. And the one standing in front of you is strikingly beautiful. Blindingly so even in the low light. He holds a lantern between his long fingers, shadows cast against his skin. A long black coat hides his frame, stitches from what you can see silver in color, a longsword resting on his side. His wear is similar to the captain’s, so you can guess immediately that he’s either the first mate, or quartermaster.

“I am,” you start, sneaking a quick look at Yunho. He adjusts himself slightly. Ah, so you were right. “And you are the Quartermaster?”

“Your presumption is correct, miss. Park Seonghwa,” he glances at Yunho. “I will escort her to her quarters. Wooyoung needs your assistance in the kitchen. More mouths to feed this time around.” Yunho bows to him, giving you a brief smile before disappearing down a nearby staircase. The Quartermaster steps to the side, gesturing for you to walk first. He’s quieter than the other two. It isn’t uncomfortable, quite the opposite actually. Speaking all day has exhausted you just a bit.

“Your clothing is in disarray,” he points out. “Did you wear those cloths on your feet when you entered our ship?”

“I wore heels,” you murmur. “They were difficult to use while climbing from the orlop, so I’ve kicked them off. Yunho offered me these in exchange, though I hope there’s some way I can clean them before giving it back.”

He nods slowly, “I hope so too. Because those are Yeosang’s handkerchiefs.”

You tense up, stopping in your walk to reach down and loosen the fabrics.

“Wait, there’s no need–”

“If it was Yunho’s I would have continued wearing these until I entered my quarters. But if it is someone else’s, I would not want to offend before I have even met them in person.”

“Yeosang would not mind that you’ve worn them. He’d be angry at Yunho if he were angry at all, not at you,” Seonghwa covers your hand with his, tugging slightly at your fingers. “I assure you, Miss Rose. There’s no need to fret. I would give you my own shoes if that were the case.”

You let go hesitantly, standing back on your feet. He waits for you to adjust yourself, then you continue on your way. "Are you forgotten royalty?"

Seonghwa furrows his brows. "Royalty?"

"You choose your words carefully. Your enunciation is exquisite, your posture hasn't slumped over once since I laid my eyes on you. You speak as if every question I ask you would answer, though that is not so. Even the way you are looking at me now. Your eyes have rarely if ever strayed from mine, only a moment ago to look at my wear. The Quartermasters I have met were not even half as elegant as yourself. So assuming you are royal is not much of a fallacy."

"Your observations are not far from the truth. But as likely as it may seem, no I am not royalty," he opens a door, steps leading down. You enter first, listening as he shuts it behind. "I have learned that in order for us to be respected on the seas, there needs to be a crew member who is willing to – how shall I put this – adjust, to a different crowd. My mannerisms were learned over the course of ten years. I have gotten so accustomed to it that it has become part of me now."

"Then who were you before this you?"

His smile slips. "Pardon me, Miss Rose. But I would rather you did not meet nor know the Seonghwa before the one that stands in front of you now. He was not as kind nor as elegant, as you put it."

He places his palm against the wooden door, pushing it open. The room is quaint as you much expected, though the bed seems rather large for such a small space. You step inside, Seonghwa placing a wick upon the lantern next to the door, lighting up the space. In all honesty, it’s rather big for a ship this size. As if a special guest or the Quartermaster himself, resides here. The sheets folded on a small stool nearby, a leather pouch placed just on top of it.

“It is not much for a lady like yourself,” Seonghwa starts. “And if I may enter briefly, I can show you your clothing.”

You nod and he tilts his head slightly, opening a closet nailed to the opposing wall. Inside hangs slacks and other wear. The fabrics are particularly well-ironed, neatly resting in their spots. He glances back at you, a wary smile on his lips. “This clothing is fit for a mate, not a woman. I am unsure if it will fit your figure well.”

“Are women unable to wear men’s clothes on this ship?” You raise a brow.

He seems a bit flustered at the question. Not as much as Mingi, but you can see the brief crack of his features. “I mean, they are quite loose-fitting. I apologize in advance for being unable to have clothing that would fit you comfortably, but I am sure at the next stop the Captain would not mind if we sought out a tailor.”

“There is no need for that,” you say simply, moving near him. Your fingers brush against the slacks, humming. “I will be off once we arrive at the next port. Planning special trips will be silly if I am not here for long.”

There’s a pause.

“Then that is settled,” he moves back to the doorway. It seems as if he has more left to say, gripping the metal handle of the lantern quite hard. “The other fellows of our crew would like to meet you at dinner tonight, if that is alright with you. Each time the sun sets we all gather in the hall.”

These men, all of them. Their kindness is well-placed but odd in itself. You’re merely a stranger who begged to board this ship, past mostly unknown. Any other crew would force you to stay in your quarters until the next stop, or send you overboard. But each one you’ve met so far has treated you highly, as if you are a welcomed guest. You expected to reside in a closet. Not something this extravagant. Seonghwa seems to take your silence as denial for his offering, nodding quickly.

“A mate will bring you your dinner.”

“Yes, I would like to join if it isn’t burdenful,” you say. A genuine smile graces his features, nodding quickly.

“One of us will be escorting you once it is done, Miss Rose. And thank you,” his fingers brush the bronze knob. “We did need a change around here. Men are so boring.” He closes it, not missing the grin on your lips.

You sigh, turning to the wardrobe that sits idle. Would it be improper to attend dinner with the clothing you have on now? You look down, stains covering the fabric. Your nose wrinkles in disgust. You have not asked Seonghwa where exactly the powder room is on this ship. So you quickly change your clothing into the outfits hanging in your closet. They are quite loose against your body, several sizes too large. You bind them with twine, looking at yourself in the mirror. It is enough for now, but it is fascinating to see yourself this way. You are used to the luxury of the manor. But staring at yourself now, it feels freeing. The master of the house would never recognize you in this clothing. Your fingers brush against the cotton, giving yourself a quick nod. You’ve taken a liking to it.

A knock on the door pulls you out of your thoughts. You walk over, opening the door. Expecting Yunho or Seonghwa, you’re quite surprised to see someone new. His mouth opens in shock, brows furrowed.

“They were not jesting. You are truly a woman,” His brow lifts, eyes still on yours. Black locks frame his face, freshly trimmed. His brow has a scar running through it, a strange strip of gray hairs entwined in the black. Unsurprisingly, his beauty matches the others, eyes sharp, steady. He runs his fingers through his locks as you stare, stepping to the side. “Seonghwa told me to guide you to our dining hall. I hope you do not expect anything extravagant.”

“I have no expectations, sir,” you give him a nod, exiting your room. He closes the door, holding out a lock and key to you. It’s knotted to a string and you thank him, resting it against your neck.

“My name is Choi San,” he starts, taking the steps up first. You follow close as he continues. “You can address me casually. Seonghwa told me he hasn’t spoken to you much about everyone else residing on the ship, and I am sure Yunho hasn’t either.”

“Perhaps it was to be sure that I was not to leave or learn too much? I am perplexed that they have even agreed to let me stay until the next dock. Quite strange to trust a stranger.”

San’s lips lift. “But you are not a stranger, Miss Rose.”

You very much enjoy the way he says your name.

“Our Yunho knew of you, as well as our captain. We would not just let a stray onboard. We are known for our ferocity, but we also make sure everyone that steps on this ship we know of. At least somewhat; you cannot quite learn everything about a person unless they speak of it.”

“So they know I was a handmaiden, and an orphan?” Hongjoong questioned you already knowing who you were? Was it a test?

San nods, “They knew of your past as well. In fact, we’ve often traded goods with the master of the house you resided at. Not legally, as you might know. It is odd that you appeared when you did, this morning was our last trade with the man. Captain cut ties.” San holds out his hand, helping you up the last step. You thank him as he continues. “Your former master was not living up to his side of the deal.”

“It is interesting how I never saw your captain. I often shadowed the lady of the house. I would have recognized him if I knew.” And told him off right when you stepped onto this ship.

“He saw you often, Miss Rose. How much I do not know, but it must have been enough for him to allow you to stay. We accept additional members into our crew but not the way you arrived.”

He moves down the deck, you following close behind. “Should I be wary of your mates?”

San laughs, “No. Everyone is amicable enough, some more than others. You will notice once you meet us all.”

He steps into the doorway, holding the door open for you. You duck slightly at the lowered doorway, taking a few steps down into the dining hall, distracting you from your thoughts of the captain. It’s loud and rambunctious, men around you laughing and having a swell time as they eat. Others balanced plates in their hands as they made their way to seats, jostling their friends around. If you listen closely, you could hear music flowing throughout. San guides you to a table closer to another door. You thank him, sliding onto the bench. Most of the table is full, a few of the men you recognize already. Yunho and Mingi are laughing as they eat, deep in a conversation about something a man named Yeosang did? Seonghwa sits beside them, sipping his soup quietly as he listens. The captain is next to him, his space in front of him free of plates or food. A glass of wine rests between his hands, taking slow sips as he watches everyone at the table. You avoid his gaze entirely. There’s a couple of more faces you do not remember seeing, San disappearing into the revolving door.

“I am glad you’ve decided to join us, Miss Rose,” Yunho says, a wide grin stretching his cheeks.

“It would be rude of me to reside in the room you’ve given me while everyone is eating,” you say back. “But thank you. All of you have been kind and welcoming. I found the right ship to take.” And you mean that entirely. It could be a facade but as of now there’s nothing peculiar about it. And the smiles they’ve given you seem anything but fabricated. You adjust yourself in your seat, glancing at the door. “Apologies, but I am not acquainted with your usual habits. Do I enter the kitchen for my own meal?”

Mingi shakes his head, “You are a guest. And I believe San ran in there first to grab yours.”

You’re not spared a chance to protest, the door swinging open with San holding two bowls in his hand. He grins at you, sliding next to you with ease and placing your food in front of you. You look down at the bowl before turning to him.

"Thank you," you say simply. Better not to start out with rejecting each kind thing they do for you. You'd rather that than rudeness. Your gaze moves to the pile of fruit sitting in the middle of the table, shock crossing your features. You haven't tasted fruit in years.

"Did they not treat you well?" Another man speaks up, voice deep enough to hear through the shouts and laughter. His black hair frames his face, wisps against his fair skin. A birthmark kisses his temple. It only makes his face more breathtaking to look at, even your sure confidence breaks for a moment. "You look surprised."

After noticing that a few of the men at the table are waiting for you to speak, you clear your throat. "He never allowed anyone but the main family to have fruits. It was a rarity that we were even allowed in the same room, aside from the kitchen staff. My lady often teased me whenever she ate peaches."

He hums, the sound causing your body to shiver. "How pitiful."

"Indeed," you thank San again, eating a spoonful of the stew. You take a sip, a low moan falling from your lips.

San laughs, blush decorating his cheeks. "I'm glad you enjoy it, Wooyoung would be pleased."

"It isn't wise to make such a sound in front of strangers," Seonghwa whispers, taking a sip of his wine. You can feel blood rush to your own at his suggestion, though you only roll your eyes.

"Are they truly men if they cannot handle themselves for a brief moment?"

"Not when it comes to someone of your beauty."

This time you're speechless.

The kitchen door swinging open saves you from coming up with a response. A man, balancing three bowls in his arms, exits, humming a tune. You assume this is Wooyoung from the apron wrapping around his torso. You stand, his eyes moving to follow the sudden movement. They widen in alarm, stopping. The bowls fall from his hold, spilling to the floor and splattering against your clothing. A low shit escapes his mouth, immediately dropping to his knees.

"I'm so sorry," he says quickly, handing you a towel and bowing quickly.

“If you wanted me to remove my clothing you could have asked nicely,” you quip. Wooyoung’s laugh is boisterous now, cheeks scarlet as he cleans the floor. You reach for a rag on the table, crouching down to help.

“Ah, you needn’t worry about that–"

You wave him off, dipping it into the bucket and scrubbing. “It would be discourteous of me to watch you clean when I am the one who startled you. Please."

"I thought I'd make a better first impression," he admits, the conversations around you rising in volume once they realized the situation was handled. He thanks you again, ringing out his rang in a bucket and continues to wipe. "Instead I only made myself a fool. And soiled your clothing."

"It is but a wash and it'll be all new," you reassure him. "I just never expected to startle a pirate so easily. I'm a bit proud that I was able," you smile, and he matches it with ease. From this brief interaction, you can tell you'll enjoy his company on the ship. Though his natural beauty is not lost on you, his wear is more of what you're used to. Dirty with fingers wiped while cooking, stains from months of cooking. Possibly years. He looks like a human. Your eyes rest on the scars covering his arms briefly.

"Wooyoung is scared of his own shadow," Another man who sat across from you speaks up. "It is unsurprising that he's jumped at your mere presence. I am shocked he is able to poison anyone in the first place."

"Jongho please respect your elders," Wooyoung retorts. You hide your smile as you wipe, too entertained to interrupt the conversation. "I'll have your food poisoned, it's best not to test my patience." He thanks you again as you place the towel into the sullied water, standing up quickly. His hair is similar to San’s, though it’s a deep blond beneath the black hair styled messily on top of his head. You’re quite surprised there’s so many of the pirates with these strange hair colors. You’ve only seen a few with dyed hair, and it was maidens rather than men. His bow matches yours as he disappears into the kitchen again. You move back into your seat next to San, taking another spoonful of stew.

“That was kind,” he points out, head resting against his arm. You take a quick glance, noticing his bowl completely empty. “Perhaps you will fit in well with the rest of us.”

“I am only here shortly,” you note, glancing around the table. The conversation does not seem as loud as it once was, most of the men watching as San and you speak softly. “But thank you for your kind words, Choi San.”

His cheeks flush. You laugh to yourself, shaking your head. Could it be that you said it in a flirty tone, or are these men just easily swooned by simple words? It couldn’t be the latter, oftentimes pirates are involved in quests that require them to ignore the allurement of a temptress. You’ve never considered yourself anything like that, so their interactions with you certainly boosts your ego. Your gaze moves away from him, the only one at the table you’ve haven’t gotten the name for staring back at you. There seems to be a bit of curiosity in his eyes but he does not dare speak up.

“When you are finished, can you meet me in my office?”

Captain Hongjoong speaks from the end of the table, standing up slowly. He holds the glass of wine in his head. His eyes rest on yours, until he sees a quick nod from you. The other crew members bow as he passes them, his boots echoing against the wooden floors as he disappears through the door from whence you came. The chatter continues as before, Mingi and Yunho next to you continuing their argument.

“You were the one who gave Miss Rose his cloths,” Mingi points out. A scowl forms on the man with the pretty birthmark, eyes narrowed as he meets Yunho’s.

“It was you who made my fabrics sullied? I asked of you to bring it so I could sew. Now it has to be cleaned for days on end.”

“There was little choice,” Yunho mumbles sheepishly, gaze glued to the table in front of him. “You would have done the same if she were walking bare across the main deck.”

Oh, so he is Yeosang. Mysteriously he doesn’t meet your eyes with anger, instead the same interest as before. “Perhaps I would have.”

You finish quickly after that, excusing yourself from the table. Seonghwa stands, offering to guide you to his office. Though you’re sure you can figure it out on your own you accept, thanking him. He holds the door open for you as you leave the cafeteria, their laughs and music fading the further you walk away. His hands rest against his back, long coat fluttering in the ocean’s winds. You hold your arms close to your body, the cotton you chose to wear not at all covering your skin. Seonghwa stops for a brief moment, sliding his arms from his sleeves and stepping closer to you. You tense up, until he drapes the coat over your shoulders, buttoning the first loop.

“Ah, this isn’t necessary–”

“You would fall ill if you continued to shiver the way you have been,” he says softly. “I’ve forgotten to ask for spare clothing for you, since you aren’t used to living this way. I will make sure one of our crew brings you a coat, alright?” His smile is light, eyes flicking between yours. “And though I was only teasing while we were eating, I do want to let you know that our ship is safer than many that travel the seas. But there is always a possibility that eyes will do more than just wander,” His jaw is clenched as he speaks, eyes narrowed. “I would kill anyone who ever laid a hand on a woman. I just think that you should be wary, just a bit more. We are still a ship full of law-breaking men, after all.”

He’s right. You’ve been lax for a big part of your life because there was little time for a man to ever be alone with you; your body was stuck by your lady’s side. But now that you’re no longer at the manor, things are different. You know no one. Even the man standing in front of you now, despite his words, could be dangerous.

“You’re right,” you admit, gripping his coat closer to your skin. “It is quite silly to believe anything other than that. Thank you for reminding me. Arriving somewhere new often makes you forget where exactly you are.”

“There is no need to thank me, Miss Rose,” his pink lips hold a small smile. You feel a bit embarrassed meeting his gaze. It cannot be possible for him to be that handsome, you decide. How are you to last on this ship for so long without acting on your very lewd thoughts? You curse at yourself. Learn some self control, Rose, you murmur to yourself.

The two of you stop just outside the Captain’s door. Before you open the door to enter, Seonghwa’s hand covers the knob. His eyes meet yours, a brief flash of worry. You’re not sure what to make of it and do not have the chance to either. He opens the door for you, and you thank him, hesitantly entering the captain’s quarters.

Hongjoong rests at the edge of his table, one leg holding himself up as you sit in the chair farthest from the desk. Even in a position as such he holds power, his free hand holding himself up while the other slowly stirs the red wine in his glass. He lifts it up to his lips, taking a long sip. Gaze never leaves yours. Whether it is a challenge or not you don't back down, ankles crossed as you wait for him to continue.

"You truly do not remember me?" Ah, so he knows that you're aware of him seeing you before.

You shake your head, "Were you that memorable?"

He laughs, brow quirked. "I hope to be. Not many see me walking onshore. Most islands and states want my head. The only reason I visited your former master's residence was to gaze upon you."

"Peculiar," you note aloud.

"Is that all? You consider my words peculiar?"

This time you fill the silence with your laughter. "Would it be anything else? Why would you trade with an untrustworthy man to see a woman that does not even know of your existence aside from the tales that are passed throughout the city? While I lived as a handmaiden, my focus was only to my lady. Not even a man as handsome as yourself pulled my attention away. So yes, I do find it quite peculiar that a captain of your status wasted time and coin on visiting a corrupt man just so that he can gaze upon me briefly. It is not like I would have fallen into bed with you because you've taken a liking to me."

It is only a moment when you realize that you've stunned him. His hand no longer holds the glass delicately. Instead, his fingers grip the stem, jaw tight. You look up to his eyes but there is no change. His head tilts, eyes narrowed. "Most ladies would be delighted to catch the attention of an infamous captain."

"I am not like most ladies. But I am sure you already know that, sir."

A dry laugh leaves his lips, gaze elsewhere. His tongue runs along his bottom lip, teeth briefly biting it before looking back at you. "I do know that very well, my Rose." He lifts himself off of the desk, letting his glass rest on the edge of the spot he vacated. "But now that we've truly become acquainted, you must know that the whole island we have just left is looking for you. Your master was murdered just before this ship sailed, and you've disappeared from the manor at that exact moment. You're now as wanted as we are."

What?

You tense up, standing. "It was not I–!"

"You don't have to proclaim your innocence to me, Rose. The last face he saw was mine when I tore out his heart in front of his woman. She is well aware that you have not involved yourself in his death, but what is she to say? Her husband perished at the hands of a pirate? There would be inquiries as to how he became associated with myself, and their reputation would dwindle into nothing. How convenient it was for you to leave at the perfect time. Remarkable, even."

Your jaw is tight, thoughts scattered. The lady of the house never did anything out of sorts, though she was overall a terrible person. But you were her trusted confidant. Would she really spread this news to protect the household? No matter how bitter the thought seems in your head, she would without any hesitancy. The reason you left was to find more on who killed your father. On a whim. But perhaps you did leave at the perfect time. She would have framed you for her husband’s death either way.

“I will figure this out,” you start. “I will proclaim my innocence so that they will look deeper into it.”

“And you think they are to believe a runaway handmaiden?” His brow lifts. “Even if I were to tell that I committed the crime, I am sure your lady will deny it over and over until her last breath to protect her reputation. They will arrest you right when you place one foot upon their land.”

There’s nothing you can do. Though he was a wretched man, he was powerful. They would have several islands looking for you, checking each dock a ship stops on. Eventually they will find you, and you will be hanged for a crime you did not commit. Your fingers curl into fists, anger swimming through you.

“How did I end up on the same ship as the man who was interested in me? The man who killed him?”

There’s something odd in his features as he looks at you. An impureness resting in his eyes. You haven’t the slightest hesitation that he did everything on purpose to somehow have you ending up standing directly in front of him. You’ve heard from the tales that he is a master manipulator, but seeing him act it out in person drives a bit of fear into your heart. If he could do this on a whim, what else has he done? Pirates aren’t the highest in morality so it is your fault for thinking otherwise. Each man you have met tonight is not free of sin. But something about the way he speaks of it is unlike anything you've ever heard of.

You do not show him this fear, of course. You’d never give anyone that satisfaction.

His eyes are wide, grin striking. “I get anything I want, my Rose. I’ve been waiting for you unbearably, longing to see you stand in front of myself, look at me in my eyes. If you think that I would care about your reputation to commonfolk you are sadly mistaken. As long as I have you, I do not even think of anyone else.”

“You are odd,” you say through clenched teeth. “I do not care how much you desire me. As long as I live, you will never be blessed with my desire. I hope that you ache with longing until the end of your days. You will never have me.”

“My days are quite long, Rose. Even you would eventually fall.”

You grab your bag off the seat behind you, glaring at him. “Even if it were the end of the world and we were the last two standing, I would rather die than involve myself with you.” You leave his office, ignoring the loud laughter as you make your way back to your quarters. Men you come across move out of your way. Perhaps they can feel the anger dripping from you. Either way, you’re thankful none of them stop to ask what’s wrong. Before you walk down the steps, you see Seonghwa. He meets you with sympathy though he says nothing. It is as expected.

Your irritation grows as you make your way down the steps, pulling the key off your neck and opening your door with haste. You hear the quick steps of someone behind you but ignore it, throwing your bag to the floor and removing your shoes.

“Are you alright?”

You look up, meeting the eyes of Jongho. He looks confused, brows furrowed as you clench your fist in frustration. Even if you air your grievances, it’s of no use. He is loyal to his captain and you could barely remember his name. Sharing what you think of the man who let you stay aboard would only make matters worse. So instead, you let a quick sentence slip, revealing nothing more.

“He is no doubt a fearsome captain of the seas.”

Jongho’s expression seems to be even more puzzled, but he doesn’t press you for an answer. Instead he watches as you gather up your belongings, shoving them into a bag you found in the closet. “Where will you go? We are in the middle of the sea.”

“Then no one would know of my circumstances. I can do as I please.”

“You will take one of our spare boats and leave? We are far from land, Miss Rose. There is not a doubt in my mind that you will perish in mere hours. The tides are high."

"You are the sailing master, correct?"

He nods.

"Tell the tides to calm down enough for me to live for more than a few."

His lips lift, "I hope you do know that I cannot do such a thing."

"I'm only jesting, Jongho. If only it were that easy to leave," you rest on the edge of the bed, rubbing your hands against your face. "Did all of you know who I was before boarding this ship? Or was it just San, Yunho and the captain?"

"All of the main crew knew of you, but no one knew what you looked like. And I'm sure no one knew that you'd be on board with us. I was quite shocked when I learned of your presence,” he admits, leaning against the doorframe. “The last thought on my mind was you entering the ship. After the death of the master of the house, we all assumed there was nothing else after that.”

“The captain spoke of me prior?” Your brows furrow at the thought. How involved is he with you? His words were odd in the meeting you had with him, but you presumed it was an exaggeration. A way to strike fear into your heart. Nothing true, nothing solid. “That you’re sure of?”

“Is it shocking?” He asks, brow raised. “He spoke to all of us whenever a new crew member came aboard. Sure he said that you may arrive one day, but it was just foolish of us to not take his word for it. Each of us had a brief introduction to the crew before we entered the ship. There was nothing special about it.”

Ah, perhaps you are overthinking. Another person appears just next to Jongho. San, you quickly recognize the grin on his cheeks. He pats Jongho on the shoulders, taking a quick glance around the room.

“Time to switch sailing,” he says softly. Jongho lets out a low groan but bows to you slightly, leaving the two of you alone. You snicker as he stomps up the steps, meeting the eyes of the newcomer. Seonghwa’s words ring in your head, remembering that you are in fact on a ship with complete strangers. You straighten your bag, San’s eyes flicking to your packed things.

“Are you taking a trip into the deep?” He asks, a teasing grin resting on his lips.

“If it were possible, I’d even invite you.”

He laughs, a sweet sound despite the dire situation. His smile slowly fades, eyes narrowing slightly as they meet yours. “You are safe now, Miss Rose. I know that it is a bit overwhelming to be on a ship with many men you haven’t the slightest idea about, but you’re safe. I’m glad that Seonghwa warned you–”

How does he know that?

“–but I will make sure you’re well too. I will try my best.”

“That’s very kind of you,” you say softly, tilting your head as you meet his gaze. “But odd, don’t you think? Am I to trust the words of a man I met only hours ago?”

He wiggles his brows. “Soon it will be half a day.”

“San…” you drag his name, rolling your eyes.

His smile widens. “Oh, I do enjoy the way you say my name. But I will say goodnight, there’s much to do.” He bows, holding the knob of your door. His blatant disregard to your inquiry does not fly by you. You stand, meeting him in the doorway. Though they’re not the tallest men you’ve ever seen, standing this close to him forces you to lift your head slightly to meet his gaze. His gaze lingers on your eyes, flicking to your lips briefly. So quick you would not have even noticed if you weren’t so close. “See you tomorrow, my Rose.”

He shuts the door. You suck in a breath, lifting the string from your neck and locking the door behind him.

-

The long days on the ship are eventful, to say the least. Captain introduces you to the rest of the crew. You expected it so it wasn’t surprising. But the way he spoke of you only added to your curiosity. The way his eyes reflected the sea. And even for the briefest of moments, you could have sworn there was a flash of red as he spoke. The other main crew members gathered around you. San and you have gotten along well, oftentimes you sat with him while he navigated, speaking of your times on land with your lady. He told you of his past - his family abandoning him because of the birthmark in his hair. It was a silly reason, but they believed he was cursed. Hongjoong found him one day begging for coins in a far away city, and invited him to be on the crew. Many of the main crew had stories like his. In fact, you’re sure they were all abandoned one way or another.

There was one that peaked your interest though. The ship had a variety of strange fellows and groups of friends. You notice quickly that there’s various, small groups of friends. The eight stick by one another, and others are on their own. You wouldn’t have noticed him if he didn’t stare at you. Each meeting you attended, he would sit in the back with his friends. But his gaze always lingered, looking away when you tried to meet his eyes. You haven’t had the chance to catch him and speak without someone interrupting. But now that you stand at the helm, you see him carrying a sack on his shoulders, disappearing into the storage. You tell Jongho that you’d be right back, quickly following after him.

Just as you take the last step into the room, he grunts, throwing the sack into the corner. He turns around, eyes widening when he sees you standing there. There’s something about him that pushes the fear of being alone with a stranger away. Familiarity, even.

“What are you doing here?” He frowns, giving you his back as he pushes a barrel. You go to assist but he stops, expression dropping. “Captain would ring my neck if you picked anything up.”

“I can handle myself.”

“Entering a storage room with a man you don’t even know the name of isn’t wise, miss,” he says simply, scolding you. “You should be more fearful of what could happen to you–”

“What’s your name?” You interrupt. He freezes, fingers gripping the mesh. “Tell me your name.”

“Not necessary. I do recall you’re leaving the ship, yeah? No need to acquaint myself with you.”

“What is your name, sir?” You insist. He lets go of the sack, a low sigh falling from his lips. “Why aren’t you saying it?”

“Because you will hate me if I do,” he whispers, gaze flicking back to yours. His lip trembles as he looks at you. Shivers trail along your skin as the two of you stare in silence. “You will hate our father.”

You were taken away to an orphanage. You walked into your father dead on the ground, knife wounds covering his body. Running down the hallway, seeing your mother in the exact same position. Blood drained from them. The guard told you it was a pirate attack, and to run. Your young mind was too naive to question it, forced from place to place. Believing that all of your family was dead. Gone forever.

How could he be here, a brother unknown to you, standing just in front of you? A mate on a pirate ship? Your body shakes as he stands to his full height. He looks just like your father just before he died. He moves closer, hands rising to touch you, then falling. Gaze flicking between yours, breaths hitched. Words do not come to mind as you meet his eyes.

“Why did I not know of you?” you whisper, body trembling. “I thought all of the family I knew of was dead.”

A sad laugh falls from his lips, eyes moist. “Our father had an affair with my mother. I eventually found out about a lost sibling of mine, moreso from my relatives who wanted to tell me the truth. They told of a girl named Rose. When you first arrived I thought nothing of it, but as I grew to know you things changed. The story of your mother and father dying horrifically told me the truth. I am sorry that I have not gotten the chance to speak to you sooner. We never knew each other, but now that I do, I’d never leave you in this world on your own, Rose.” His words are sure, eyes resolute. You’ve known of him for merely ten minutes and he has accepted his position as your brother.

“How old are you?” You ask softly.

“Three years older than you. And my name is Jung Subin.”

Your father often left you and your mother alone for extended periods of time, explaining that it was for business. Perhaps on one of those trips, something happened. “How?” You shake your head, questions lingering in your mind. “My whole life I thought I was alone.”

“I was afraid as a small boy when I was told of your existence. I was out of my mind. It…” He rubs his face, brows furrowed. “When I came to after the loss, I was far away from home. Lost. I never traveled that distance without a carriage. An older couple found me and took me in. I cried for my mother and they finally listened after weeks of me pleading. When I arrived back home it was empty. Apparently my mother passed in that short time from a broken heart. Another family was moving into our home. Once overcoming the anger and frustration from our father, I contacted the police but your whereabouts were unknown. For over a decade I yearned to find you, but lost that hope. Seeing you standing at the side of Captain, I could not believe it.” He admits, shaking his head. “And you were too young to remember much, so I presumed that you could not recall our father speaking to you about me, if he ever did. I was just elated that you were alive. Well. You’ve grown up well, my little sister.” his lip lifts, sorrow in his gaze. “I apologize that I was too afraid and ran away. I am sorry for leaving you alone–”

You pull him into your arms and his wrap around you effortlessly, your forms molding into one another’s. Tears roll down your cheeks as you hold him, sobs racking through you. “I thought all of my family was dead. Do you think I’d care about the past? That was so long ago.”

“I left you alone,” he says through trembling breaths.

“You were a child,” you move away, meeting his eyes. “You were scared because of the death of our father, and your mother. I would never blame you for that.”

“There isn’t a need to forgive me–”

You hold his face in your hands, laughing. “I thought I was the only one in our father’s family line left in this world. The greatest gift I could be given is seeing that I have a brother, who is alive. Nothing else matters.”

His laugh is gleeful now, trembles in his body matching yours. “I am glad to see you too, sister.”

After a few minutes of this the two of you pull apart. Without hesitation you hit his arm. He groans, rubbing it.

“That’s for not telling me who you were and staring at me without saying a word. How ludicrous and odd,” you point out, rolling your eyes. “I thought you were just a strange man.”

“Ah, yes. The others told me that I should have spoken to you. I was just afraid that you’d hate me.”

“Hate is the last thought on my mind.”

“But I did not know that,” he adds. “Sejun insisted that I speak to you. I was just gathering the courage to do it, as all.”

“Sejun. A horrid name,” your lips form a scowl, remembering your former lover. The name only brings a bad taste to your mouth. You adored Sejun when you first met him, almost kissed the ground he stumbled upon. But your relationship soon turned sour when he began forcing himself into every aspect of your life. There wasn’t a day that passed where he wouldn’t curse you for what you wore, or scolded you for speaking to another man. None of the encounters were for seduction. But he insisted that they were. The only reason you got away from him, even after the relationship ended, was when your master fired him. It was the best day of your life. “You should recommend your friend to change it.”

“Why?” His brows furrow. “I thought you loved Sejun.”

“What did you say?” Confusion coats your features. It couldn’t be possible–

“He told me that the two of you were together but were forced apart–”

“Sejun? The Sejun you know is Lim Sejun?”

He slowly nods. Your fingers curl into fists as you turn on your heels, pace quickened. You hear the stomps of your brother behind you. He touches your arm but you pull from his hold, glaring at him when your gazes meet. It isn’t his fault, no, but your fury cannot help but rise. “Do not touch me, Subin.”

“What’s happening? What did he do?”

“What’s going on?” The two of you turn, facing a curious Yeosang. His arms are crossed against his chest, flicking to Subin. “Why were you alone with Rose? Have you touched her?”

Subin coughs at the suggestion. Well, it’s more like a gag as you pat his back, rolling your eyes at his exaggeration. You shake your head at Yeosang. “It is nothing like that. Would you be a darling and inform me of Sejun’s quarters?”

Yeosang only seems to sink into more confusion, “Is there something the matter?”

“Just behind the main steps,” Mingi says just behind him, a wide grin on his lips. “Are you going to kill him?”

“Pull him limb from limb,” you respond, stepping around the small group of men gathered around you. Mingi grins in pure glee, following behind you excitedly. You assume the other two are as well, small talk between them as they try to decipher what exactly is happening. The door is wide open as you take a step inside. Your eyes meet the one man you’ve hated for years. His widen, taking a slight step back as you move closer. He still looks the same, though his torso is covered in scars and other markings. More than likely it’s from this life of his now. But you pay it no mind, the allure of his nakedness long gone from your brain. Without another word, your fist meets his jaw. He stumbles back, head hitting the wall as he falls to the floor. You stand over him, your anger only rising as you stare.

“Rose?” he says.

“How dare you tell my brother we are still lovers? You are a sick man!” you screech, lifting your arm back again to hit him. Another wraps around you, pulling you away from Sejun. You yell, kicking and twisting to remove yourself from whoever’s hold it is. “Let me go!”

“I need to know what happened, Rose. You cannot just walk around injuring my men,” Seonghwa’s voice is soft in your ear. You expected someone else, or even your brother to be pulling you away. But not the Quartermaster. You stop resisting, letting him pull you from the room. Subin stays down there with Mingi and Yeosang as Seonghwa leads you up the steps.

“You can let go, I’m fine,” you insist, but he doesn’t respond. He takes you farther and farther away from Sejun’s room, at the front of the ship. His hold loosens, letting your shoes touch the wood. You take deep breaths, rubbing your hands over your face as you think through what you’ve just done. It was unladylike, it was inappropriate. But Sejun often brings those emotions out of you. You close your eyes, pushing the anger back further so that you can gather yourself. Seeing him again…

“Tell me what’s happening,” Seonghwa breaks the silence. He stands in front of your path. “Rose, I cannot solve it if it’s not discussed.”

“He…” you grip the railing, giving him your back as you stare into the endless sea. “He is one of the most undistinguished men I’ve ever met. He reeks of overachievement and bitterness. He yearned for everything he’s never been, or never will be. I swore to him that if I ever saw him again I’d kill him. It seems that I have not followed through on my promise. Though it does not matter, he just needs to bleed and I’ll be fine with it.”

“Why? What has he done, what is he to you?”

You tense up at the new voice, looking back. Captain Hongjoong stands there, a cigar between his lips as he takes a drag, leaning against the railing. Seonghwa is near him, concern in his eyes. “You cannot go around killing my men without reason. Even if you are my Rose.”

The last person other than Sejun you never want to see again stands near you. Hongjoong hasn’t bothered you after his strange introduction of your arrival on the ship. You are not naïve enough to believe that was the end of it. But at this very moment, you do not need his input.

“I am not yours,” you grip the wood tightly. “It is things like that which made me hate Sejun. We were lovers while I lived with my lady,” you say. Hongjoong’s expression does not change, but Seonghwa’s does, frowning at the new information. “I loved him at one point in my life.”

“Then he broke your heart?” Hongjoong suggests.

“Far from it,” you retort, anger dripping from your words. “I could not rid of him. Our relations were supposed to be brief. We used each other for a release, but I fell for him. It was silly of me, I was too young and in love to care. His possessiveness grew ugly. I could not spend a moment alone without him appearing. He accused me of heinous acts, even when we were no longer together. In one of our arguments–” You lift up your blouse. Both men avert their eyes, much to your surprise. “Look at what he has done to me, and you can see why I despise his mere presence.”

You appreciate their reluctance, Hongjoong’s eyes meeting your skin first. Jagged scars line the curves of your stomach. Much of it is random, some covering others. Seonghwa’s expression drops when he sees it. Utter devastation coats his eyes. Enough so that you let the fabric fall over your skin, swallowing slowly. “I considered it a mistake. He pushed me too hard, the glasses fell and my body crumbled into it. I thought I would have died that night, but he brought me to a clinic and they did what they could. There are parts where I still have no feeling. I forgave him. But then it happened again. That time he threw a broken glass in my direction.” You tilt your head up, a large scar running along the side of your neck. “I died but was brought back to life by the manor’s surgeon. I swore to him after that night that I would kill him the way he killed me if I were to ever see him again. Unfortunately the opportunity was pulled from me.”

Hongjoong turns on his heels, disappearing into the night. You watch his figure go down the steps of where you just left, a small sigh falling from your lips. Seonghwa still stands there, hands curled into fists. Though you’ve learned to tolerate the feelings thinking of it does to you, he’s never heard it before. You take a step closer to him, your smaller hand wrapping around his fists. He relaxes slightly, moist eyes meeting yours. Without another word you lift one of your hands, thumb brushing against his skin, wiping away a stray tear.

“I’m no longer harmed. It was long ago.”

“You died?” Seonghwa whispers. “He killed you?”

“Correct,” your lip tilts. “If it weren’t for my savior, I would never have met any of you. But you should not cry, Seonghwa. For I have long moved on from it. Well, enough so.” No need to lie to yourself. Anger like that does not appear from nowhere. “Weeping when I am fine now is not necessary.”

“You died, Rose,” he says. He moves his hand from yours, cupping your face. His hold is soft, barely pressing against your skin. You’ve learned from your brief time on the ship that Seonghwa’s care for you is unlike anyone else’s. It’s as if he’s known you for quite a while. As if him being this empathetic to your situation should not be surprising. “Please allow me to weep. There was a world without you for the briefest moment.” His thumb traces the scar on your neck, pain circling his gaze.

“Your words are too warm for someone you’ve known for a moment that brief.” Though you tease, your words ring true. How could he almost mourn for a death he was no witness to? To a loss he has never known?

His thumbs rub your cheeks softly, tears falling and falling. His devastated expression only makes your own water. “Perhaps it is the fear of it. You speak of it with such great nonchalance to the point that it terrifies me. A length of time knowing someone does not define how I would react if you were gone.”

“You are too kind to be a pirate,” you laugh through your own tears, shaking your head. “Though I cannot turn back time, it all has led me here. With you all, seeing my brother. Though the past that has haunted me has finally caught up, I have you all.” You let go of his face and he reluctantly lets go of yours. “I do not know how to feel, knowing that you care for me so. But I think it makes me happy. Thank you, for being kind to me,” you whisper.

“It is the easiest thing in the world, Rose. But you are welcome.”

A loud thump interrupts your moment. You turn, seeing the others slowly gathering just a few meters away from you. Sejun coughs up blood, face indistinguishable from mere moments ago. You hold your breath when your eyes meet his. His cheeks are swollen, the tanned skin of his covered in crimson. Some of the wounds are already beginning to stab over a bit as he continues to choke on his own blood. Seonghwa stands near you, eyes moving to Hongjoong’s.

“Do what you must to him,” Hongjoong says, stepping away from Sejun. You meet the eyes of your brother standing just behind him. Blood coats his own shirt, knuckles cut. Has he done this? It’s hard to point out who, many of the men you’ve come to know all covered with some sort of blood. You move closer to Sejun, anger gone from your body. You crouch, your finger lifting his chin so that he can meet your eyes.

He looks pitiful like this. When years ago you were afraid of him, afraid of ever defying his words. Believed that each word of his rang true, that he adored you, loved you. Here you are, covered in the scars he created, staring at a man that looks as defeated as you once felt. Words are lost as you look at him. The confidence that you’ve grown while in his absence dwindles when you meet his eyes. How, after all these years, do you still tremble in fear underneath his gaze? It is not fair.

You push back the feelings, letting your hand drop from his chin. "Do you not have remorse?"

"Rose–"

"You speak to my brother and tell him that we left each other's side because of some twisted fate. How dare you lie on my name so blatantly? We were never one, Sejun. My love for you was molded from fear and inexperience. I never truly loved you. And seeing you like this only makes me feel sorry for you."

Perhaps it is in the moment that he does not give the usual scowl of his surrounded by the others. You half expected it knowing how he once was. And now you know, still is. Tall tales to a brother you have never heard of. Your gaze moves to said brother, Subin's fists clenched as he looks down at the man he considered a friend. You would have never expected something like this. But perhaps life is just filled with disappointments.

You stand, the anger receding just as quick as it appeared. Seonghwa places his hand lightly on yours, and you meet his eyes. Though he says nothing, there seems to be an apology within them. It's none his fault, not even Hongjoong's. But you only nod, afraid that if you speak a word to him you'll fall apart. Hongjoong glances at you, before gripping the color of Sejun’s shirt, dragging him against the wood and to the edge of the ship's railing. Though Hongjoong seems to be a sturdy man, you're a bit perplexed on how he could move him with such ease. Wooyoung runs after him.

The rest follow, San and surprisingly Yeosang staying by your side. You turn away from the gathering, afraid of what they may do to Sejun. Yeosang meets your eyes, a light smile on his lips. You see blood stains on his blouse but he does not bring attention to it, holding out his hand. The way yours trembles as it slowly cups his forces back your tears. You let him guide you through the ship, passing by your own room in favor of his. San does not follow and you're not quite sure why, Yeosang keeping his door ajar as he walks you inside. Whether if it's for comfort on your part you're ever thankful. He's spoken to you a few times, but not enough or as close as San has.

You sink your face into your hands, thoughts scattered. Sejun is your brother's friend. Sejun might die on this ship tonight because you could not control your emotions. You might have killed someone. Your fingers dig into your hair. A thought crosses your mind to pull it from its roots. But you can still feel the warm presence of Yeosang, his quietness calming in the chaos.

"I've ruined a life," you say softly.

"If we knew of his deeds his life would have been ruined anyway."

"How could you trust my words with such ease? I could have been lying to get a man I hated off the ship. Why are you believing me?"

"Are you asking us not to?" His brow quirks, head tilted. "You are part of our crew, Rose. We take your words with heavy consideration just like any others. Sejun harassed you, sullied your name. If we were to allow that, we would not be a wise crew."

"Even if I am a woman."

"Your womanhood does not matter. You could have proclaimed the same as a man and he would still be dealt with as he is now. We saw your eyes, Rose," he doesn't dare move closer to you at this moment, only keeping your gaze steady with his. "We saw the fear in them when you saw Sejun. When you mentioned him. How are we to believe it is not real if you look as if you were in complete and utter anguish? Were we to pretend we did not see?"

His words bring the horrendous tears to your eyes, fingers digging into your slacks as your body trembles. The familiar wave of anxiousness and hurt slowly encases you. Without hesitation Yeosang crouches down in front of you, his hand placed lightly on yours covering your knee. He moves it slowly, placing it just above his heart.

"Breathe in and out with me, Rose. Listen to the beat of my heart, the slowness of my breaths. It's okay, you're safe."

You concentrate on the sound of his voice, gasping for air. After a few moments you settle down enough to meet his eyes, welcome the warmth that looks back at you. You close yours for a moment, feeling his heartbeat underneath your fingertips.

"You are too kind, Yeosang," you whisper. "Comforting a woman you barely know."

“You say that continuously, you know,” Yeosang keeps his hand on yours, brow quirked. “Often, over and over. Mentioning you are a woman, mentioning that we are strangers to you. Do you want us to remain as such? Always separate, unwilling to open yourself up. Are we to continue to be aboard this ship without knowing one thing about you?”

If you could laugh through your shaky breaths, you would. Instead though, you close your eyes. “Peaches.”

“Hm?”

“I love peaches,” you continue, eyes flicking to him. “When I glimpsed them in front of me while dining on my first night here, it reminded me of my time as a little girl. My mother used to hand me peach slices during the summertime while I cooled myself down. I have not let one touch my lips since she passed. It was… I don’t know, a reminder of what I lost. So when I saw them sitting in that bowl, everything was thrown back to me.”

You move your hand from under his. His eyes widen as he begins to apologize, until you place it against his cheek. Your thumb rubs against his temple, tracing the outline of his birthmark. His eyes flutter at your touch. “You sat on the other side of that bowl and said you felt pity for me. Not one being on this Earth since I have lived has ever said that to me. It made me– warm. Just like those summer nights.”

You move your face closer to his, breaths paused as you’re merely a word away from pressing your lips against his. You stare into his eyes, searching for any hesitance. Instead, they are darkened. Ravenous. His hands rest on either side of the end of the bed, caging you in his hold. You glance to the side, seeing how his nails dig into the mattress.

“This is not wise, to involve myself with you,” you whisper, brushing your nose against his cheek. “I should not want you so desperately.”

“Saying that merely inches from my lips only makes my desire rise,” his voice is deeper, leaning forward as you lean back. Your head drops to his mattress lightly, watching as he climbs above you, dark locks framing his face. His chest rises and falls quickly, leaning forward. Just as you close your eyes to receive him, you feel the brush of his lips against your ear. “I want to ravish you, Rose. Feel you tight against me, holding me with desperation as I make love to you. But,” he moves off of you, a small, polite smile on his lips. Completely different from the man whispering in your ear seconds prior. “I am a gentleman. And I will not sully you on a night like this. Please, rest well. I will return in the morning to guide you to breakfast.”

Yeosang does not allow you to say even a letter in response, shutting the door quietly behind him and walking down the hallway. You touch your cheeks, warmth coating them as you try to catch your breath. You could only laugh, biting your lip as you gaze out the small window in his room. Though there is a bit of disappointment from being rejected, he did it with such class that you could only admire it.

“What a wondrous man,” you murmur.

-

Time passes by somewhat slowly. You never see Sejun again with great thanks, though you are afraid of what they've done to him. None of the men you've come to know well utter a word, most avoiding the subject completely. It worries you that they've killed him. You even took a walk down to the cells to see if he was there but it was of no use. There are few things that could have happened: they're either hiding him from your presence, or his body is lost in the blue sea. The latter makes your stomach turn. Everyone does not let your thoughts linger on it too much. You spend much needed time with your brother when he has any spare left for you, and often have deep talks with the others. But something has been tugging at your heart, prickling at your skin.

Feelings are difficult to navigate. Many of your own mixed into a spiral of confusion. You've grown to care for each of the main crew in different ways, but much of it far from innocent. In the beginning you blamed your own flirtatious and sultry nature on the way they've been interacting with you. Fingers brushed against your skin, touches lingering here and there. Hell (Pardon your language), that brief moment with Yeosang still lingers in your mind. And it is not like he makes it any better, darkened eyes often meeting yours as you speak to another, knowing smile on his lips when you bring someone to a fit of laughter. The dark nights of you with him in his bed, fingers on your bare skin, within you. There's no jealousy, no. Just something else you cannot distinguish from a look.

You stare at your reflection in a quieter room, humming softly as you meet your eyes. Your skin has darkened from the burning sun, sun spots beginning to decorate your skin from the exposure. You run your fingers along the new dress San gifted you, eyes linger on the long slit that almost meets your right hip. It's quite scandalous to wear on a ship full of yearning men. You'd more than likely never wear it with any of them around, in fear that your underlying desires will get the best of you. You haven't forgotten your main mission, finding the person who killed your parents, your family. But being around the eight with these complicated feelings only seems to make you lose your thought.

The door to the room swings open without a second thought, your eyes moving to the reflection of whoever entered. Wooyoung hums as he kicks the door closed, supplies and materials tucked beneath his pits. After a moment his eyes move around the room, meeting yours in your reflection. Panic and red rushes to his skin, supplies forgotten as they all scatter to the floor. You can only laugh at his usual clumsiness, his frantic expression as he gathers his things. You stay in your spot, watching him place it where it belongs.

"I am terribly sorry for interrupting you," he says quickly, cheeks still crimson.

You wave him off, rubbing your hands over the fabric that rests against your skin. "Do you think this fits my figure well, Woo?" The first time you said the nickname he faltered and stumbled over his words. And as you look at him now, it still seems to be the same.

“Of course, you’ve always been pretty, Rose,” Wooyoung stands just behind you. His hair is wispy against his cheeks, skin covered in grease marks from working in the orlop. His wear is more used, holes lining the seams. He steps closer as you gaze at him, approaching hesitantly. He’s always been reserved in his affections of you, as if you’d crumble beneath his touch if he dared approach you. Even now, your eyes wander to his, his deep brown ones flicking away from your gaze. A light pink coats his tanned cheeks, hand rubbing the back of his neck.

“Have you rested your eyes on me? It doesn’t seem like you can, my dear Wooyoung,” your tone is light, a smile resting on your lips as you stare at his reflection. “Is the dress that I wear dreadful? What a pity,” you pout, looking away for a brief moment to stare at your figure. "San would be disappointed."

Your words pull him out of his embarrassment, concerned eyes widening as he moves closer. “Rose, you could never be anything but pretty. I am just… it feels like I am undeserving of your presence. I can call one of the others inside to assure you of your beauty–“

“Now why would I desire to see one of them when I am with you?”

“Your words make me faint,” he admits, anxious laughter adorning his words. “It's because they’re much bolder than I. They can recite poetry and I can only express to you that you will never be ugly.”

His small speech leaves you at a pause. You’ve often pondered what he thought of you. Despite how garrulous he often was, Wooyoung never told you what he felt about you. It was sensible enough to assume that he adored your company from what he did express, but seeing him now flounder over his actions made him all the more charming.

Still, you laugh a bit. His cheeks flushed a deeper crimson from the reflection, guilt coursing through you for even making the sound.

“Can you come closer?” You say, turning around to look at him. He’s a bit fidgety in his approach, tensioning up when your hand touches his cheek. His eyes look at you. Wooyoung carries himself as if he isn’t one of the most alluring men you’ve come to know. Some semblance of yourself is glad he doesn’t know. He could use your weakness to him with ease and you would fall to your knees. Between all of the confidence you’ve built upon yourself, you would do anything for the eight men you’ve come to know. Even the captain you've often avoided.

Your thumb brushes against his high cheek, kissing the mole beneath his eye. His eyes flick to the mirror before looking at you, wonder within them. It was a bold move to let your lips touch his skin. You're all but glad that he didn't take it in a negative way. Even with all his affection toward you, there's a chance you could have misstepped.

“I’m filthy. You shouldn’t stain your pretty hands with me.”

“Wooyoung,” your smile slowly grows. “You’ve stained much more than my hands.”

Something odd resides in his gaze once you utter the words. Fear courses through you as he stares at you, afraid that you’ve said the wrong thing. But instead, he places his hands on either side of your face. There’s a brief hesitation as he leans down. As if he is waiting for you to pull away. But you don’t, won’t and he smiles, eyes crinkling.

“You are not pulling away,” he states curiously. “A bit odd, no?”

“A handsome man is holding my face in his hands and you ask me why I am not anything but elated at the fact?” You laugh lightly, his matching yours. Without another word he pulls you against him, chapped lips moving against yours with ease. You gasp into his mouth, feeling the touch of his hands move from your face. The two of you stumble back, hitting the wall in the process. He pulls away to apologize but you only hush him with another press of your lips.

There’s a light knock on the door just as his hand slips past your hips. You pull away from him in an instant, eyes on whoever just entered. Yunho stands there, brow raised as he leans against the doorframe. Though you don’t meet Wooyoung’s eyes you can see from the side that his cheeks are burning, head tilted down. You cannot help but giggle at the obscenity of it all, turning around and adjusting your dress in the mirror. Yunho watches you as you fix your hair and dress, turning back to look at him.

“Though I have no issue with activities outside of main work, leaving the door ajar for everyone to witness is very rude, no?” His eyes flick to Wooyoung, glancing at the supplies he dropped to the floor. “Ah, what a mess.”

“Hyung–"

Yunho lifts his hand, stopping him just before he goes on a tirade. “I will not scold you, just clean after yourself. Please. And Rose,” he meets your gaze this time. You assumed that it would be harsh, condemnatory. Instead it’s almost amused, lips frowning. “Interrupting our duties is not wise.”

“I asked of you to position me for a job, but you insisted that I do not. What am I to do with all of this time on the open ocean? Sit and fold my hands like a good little girl?” You tilt your head, pout forming on your lips. You’re only teasing of course, not noticing how Yunho’s eyes flick to the curve of your lips, fists tightening against his will. He lets out a breath, shaking his head.

“Captain wants to see you.”

This time there’s true disdain in your expression. You glance back at Wooyoung, his head still hung in shame. Taking a quick glance at Yunho, now joined with Seonghwa, you move quickly, pressing your lips against Wooyoung’s cheeks and disappearing out the door.

“You will be the end of him,” Seonghwa says, moving just as quickly next to you, Yunho left alone with the flustered Wooyoung. “I doubt he’ll have a restful night.”

“And he will be the end of me,” you shrug. You try to appear innocent, but a grin stretches across your cheeks. “I do enjoy his presence. He has kept me up more nights than he realizes.” And those words are true. Oftentimes you stir in your room, thoughts filled with the men aboard. Many not so innocent. It has weighed on you, knowing that in this brief time you’ve fallen for each of them one way or another. And it would be selfish of you to enjoy every single one. Even the man who follows you now. Once these thoughts begin to bubble to the surface, the potential of looking into their eyes and them seeing how you feel terrifies you.

“What do you suggest?”

“Hm?”

Seonghwa smiles, “Were you so entrapped in that mind of yours? I was asking: What do you suggest we give you while you’re with us? It cannot be too difficult because our captain will disagree with just a flick of his hand. But I do not want you to be riddled with boredom for the duration of your stay.”

You could truly care less what the captain wants for you to do, but you cannot outwardly disagree. Though you’re sure each mate on board knows of your disdain towards the man. Seonghwa seems to pick up on it now, nudging your arm slightly.

“An attempt at trying to be cordial will do you wonders,” he teases. “If you cannot come up with anything do not worry, I’ll convince him of something.”

“Thank you, truly, Seonghwa,” you say.

“Of course,” he waves you off, taking a slight step in front of you just before entering Hongjoong’s office. A quick knock on the door and he opens it, stepping to the side for you to enter. You wish that he could stay and help you deal with Hongjoong yourself, but of course you have no such luck. Seonghwa shuts the door behind you.

You don’t bother to sit on the chair just across from his desk, watching as he writes away. And he does not seem to acknowledge you either, continuing. You take the chance to walk around his office, standing just in front of his bookshelf. Several stories you recognize line the shelves, one in particular catching your eye. It’s old, dust covering the jacket. But you can see the letters written in a language unknown to you. You dare not touch it. Taking that chance and putting yourself in a bad position with the captain of the ship is not ideal. Even if you dislike him as much as you do.

“Anything that is mine is yours,” his voice drifts up just behind you, causing you to tense. His arm reaches over your body, plucking the book off the shelf. You slowly turn around as he moves back to his desk, flipping through the page.

“This ship then?” You raise your brow.

He looks at you. “Anything that you want, I will give it to you. If you so desire this ship of mine, so be it.”

You expected some sort of joke at the end, any indication that he is only teasing you. But his expression remains firm, eyes steady. Your brows furrow as you take it in, puzzled. “You are not serious?”

“Deadly, my Rose,” he flips to another page, humming softly. “I have not touched this book in ages. Interesting that it would catch your attention.”

Though you are still not over his words, you let him stir the conversation away. “It’s rare to see a man with many books like those on his shelf. Romance? Comedy? Many only interest themselves in that to woo their desired partner,” you note, eyes on many books written by women. “It piqued my interest since I could not fathom someone like you picking up a book.”

“Do you hate sailors that much?” he asks, chuckling, “Or it is just I?”

You let out a dry laugh. “I can intermingle with sailors just fine.”

“Then it is I, then,” he says, shrugging. “I cannot blame you. I’ve already confessed that I hunger for you severely and that may have alarmed you, but it is my true feelings. I will wait however long—”

“And I have said countless times that nothing will happen, Hongjoong,” you quip. Your annoyance slowly dissipates, rubbing your temple as you speak your next words. “But I must say, thank you. I did not want Sejun to be punished by any of you, but I thank you for listening to my words when I spoke them. And not questioning anything that I told you.”

“Why would I?” His brows furrow. “You are part of my crew.”

“I am temporarily part of it as I have said before,” you note. “But we are moving far from the point. Why have you asked Seonghwa to bring me to your quarters? Is there anything you need from me?”

He flips to the next page in his book, “Yes. It is actually related to the book I hold.” He closes it shut, facing the cover to you. You take a step closer, eyes flicking over the illustration. It is a man being held by a woman, crimson coating her pale neck, pooling beneath the both of them. Her face is dipped into the curve of his neck, hands gripping his body as she holds him tightly. It is a disturbing image, makes you feel ill just gazing upon it.

“Why would you read such a thing?” You say, eyes shifting to him. He does not say much, gaze glazing over yours, blinking slowly. Without another word, he places it to the side, sitting on the edge of his desk. It brings his height lower than your own, but even with the shift he still holds his power. You take a slight step back, watching as he tracks your movements.

“Have you ever heard of the term jiāngshī?”

“A myth passed down to children so that they wouldn’t leave their homes at night? Yes, I’ve heard of such things. The lady of the house used it to frighten her children into obedience. But I am sure everyone has heard of that tale.”

“Do you believe for them to be true?” His tone is serious, unusually so. You have not seen anyone this deeply concerned about folklore that only the young believe. But the way he speaks of it makes you unsure of your next response.

“Why would I? Do you believe in it?”

His law is low, fingers dragging through his blond hair. “If you asked me several thousand years ago I would have called you mad. Unfortunately, it is hard not to believe in something you were forced to become.”

  “You speak as if you’ve lived during that time,” your eyes roll, shaking your head. “Perhaps those tales have gotten to you.”

“Perhaps,” he moves close to you, hand slipping to your side. You widen your eyes at the closeness, until he grabs the knife on your side, taking it in his hands. He balances it between his fingers, humming. “Or perhaps it is because I am one of them.”

Oh. Oh no. You were only jesting, but he does believe he is this otherworldly being. Before you could say anything else, he raises your silver knife, stabbing it into his neck. You scream, reaching for his body just as he falls to his knees. No, no…

“What have you done, Hongjoong?” you cry, blood covering your fingers as you desperately try to figure out what to do. There isn’t enough time to run and tell someone. Your anger for him runs deep, but you care about him. Will the others think the same as his dead body lies to the wooden floor, neck punctured by your own blade? “Why would you do this, you fool?” You grip his blouse, pulling him closer to you, letting him rest on your dress-covered legs. He only smiles at you, blood spilling from his lips as he holds you close. His fingers reach up to grip the knife, slowly sliding it from his neck.

You place your hand on his, trying to stop him, but he pushes against your grip, pulling it out slowly. The cabin door swings open just as he pulls it out all the way. Yeosang stands there, fear in his eyes as he takes in the scene. Once his gaze lays on Hongjoong he… sighs in relief.

Relief?

You look back down at Hongjoong, watching as the wound in his neck slowly mends together, blood stopping as it closes. It completely disappears from your sight as he wipes his lips, groaning once he lifts himself off of you. You’re at a loss for words, unable to move from your spot. He stands, dusting off his pants.

“No need to stand there, Yeosang. You can go back to your duties,” Hongjoong waves him off. He stares at your frozen figure, swallowing slowly before he closes the door just behind him. Hongjoong grabs the cloth sitting on his desk, wiping off your blade just as he begins to speak.

“We are often referred to as leeches, freeloaders, parasites,” he narrows his eyes at the memories, harshly wiping the metal. “But we are none of the sort. We can control ourselves, Rose. It is not hard to do so.” Your eyes cannot move away from the blood on your hands, soaking your dress, dripping to the floor. “I know this is a lot to take in—”

You hear his foot take a closer step, tensing up at the sound. “Do not come near me,” you whisper, frantically wiping your hands on your dress and standing. This must be Hell. You must have died, forced to stay on this ship. There is nothing that comes to mind that makes you believe this is real. “Let me off this ship, now.”

“Where will you go?” He asks softly. Your head moves to meet his gaze, gasping once you see his eyes. They’re darker now, a deep burgundy. You stumble back, almost losing your footing. “You are afraid.” He states.

“Afraid? I am wholly petrified, Hongjoong. Because I am trying to put my mind at ease, understand what is happening. I… you… this has to be witticism. None of those tales were ever real. It was a fable passed down in fear of the dark. The animals that roamed at night. There is no such thing as jiāngshī.”

Hongjoong shrugs, hand outstretched to give you your blade back. You do not dare to move any closer to the man. All you have left is distance. He sighs, placing your weapon on his desk. He opens the closet just behind it, taking out a large jug. You look as he pours the thick, red liquid into the glass. The metal smell lingers in the air. He lifts his wine glass, taking slow sips. You hold your hand over your mouth, the sight unbelievable. He’s been drinking that the entire time you’ve been on this ship. In the beginning you presumed it was wine, but under these circumstances you cannot help but believe otherwise.

He’s convinced you enough that he is a jiāngshī. You lean forward for your blade, his wrist curling around yours just as you reach for it. You almost let out another scream of terror, until his piercing gaze meets yours.

“Let me go,” you plead, tears falling down your cheeks.

His expression breaks, sorrow filling his gaze. “I do not want you afraid of me, my dear Rose. Please do not be afraid. I will never hurt you.”

“Why show me this? What is your purpose?”

“As I have told you, I want you. And that begins with you being able to trust me. I greatly long for you to. Showing you my true self is one of many steps.”

“And then?” you say. “Did you expect me to be elated at that fact? Unafraid of you once you’ve shown me? You are…” The word monster is yearning to spill from your lips, but you force it back. Holding your breath as you do so. Hongjoong seems to know it as well, his hold loosening. You pull back immediately, gripping the handle of your blade as you move to the exit. “I will not stay here, Hongjoong.”

“The others want it too.”

You stop moving. “What?”

He turns to you, lips stained with the blood he swallowed. “They want to be like me, my Rose. They want me to turn them into jiāngshī.”

“You lie.” Why would anyone want to become something other than human? “Why?”

“You directly accuse me of being a monster and now you ask why anyone would want this?” He laughs dryly, shaking his head. “There are many curses to being this: forced to live by the blood of men, never to have children of my own. But I live an endless life. I am given freedom. I am cursed to never die but it is a blessing. I walk amongst the masses without any second glance. No one knows what I am.”

“There are more of you?”

He nods slowly, “I am the first. But centuries prior, I grew lonely. Wanting others to be with me. And those beings are what the stories tell of, not I.”

Bile sits in the back of your throat. “Then why would they agree?” Though you do not say their names, there could only be few. “Who would give up life for an endless, tortuous existence?"

“Yunho,” he starts, eyes resting on yours. “Wooyoung. Mingi.”

“Stop–"

“Jongho. Seonghwa. San.”

Your heart is pained at the names, the men you've grown to know and care for. But one in particular, one you would have hated to hear, he does not say.

“Yeosang?” You ask softly, waiting for the inevitable hurt.

“No,” he shrugs. “He was the only one who disagreed with the plan. But we only have two weeks, my Rose. Until they will be as I am. I hoped that you would join, but it seems to not be the case.” A pout lines his lips as he stares. “What a shame. We could have spent the end of our days with you."

"Our days are supposed to end in a few decades, Hongjoong. Not an eternity."

There must be a way to convince the others. Stop them from ruining their lives in such a way. But would it even work? Would your attempt only be fruitless? If they gazed upon Hongjoong and saw something desirable, is there any way to convince them otherwise? His blood still stains your fingers, deep in the fabric that San gifted you. You move closer to the door, shaking your head. They could spend the remaining days seeking for you to join them, but you'd never.

Not in a lifetime.

Just as you begin to turn, the door behind you swings open. You meet the eyes of Jongho, expression dropping once he sees your gown. You push past him, barely giving the men on the deck a glance as you make your way to the front. Air. That is what you need. A clear mind.

You take a bucket as you walk, water splashing against the wooden boards. You rest near the edge, almost throwing yourself against the boards. The way your body trembles, silent cries encasing your frame. You're brave, you're tough. This should not affect you the way it does. Seeing their faces in your mind, flashing one by one. Yunho with his neverending glee, eyes filled with happiness. Jongho with his quiet but sure nature. Seonghwa and his kindness. Mingi and his humor, his great love. Wooyoung and his shyness, underneath it being truth, sureness. San and his determination, his loud love. Humans.

Humanity. How could they give up something so precious? A life is not something easy to come by. You bring the bucket closer. With the small cup inside, you slowly pour the water over your hands, ridding yourself of the nearly black blood. You should have known then. His body was covered in this strange color. Nothing like human blood, too dark to even be considered red. You scrub harshly, sucking in breaths. Why would it not go away with ease? Why must you struggle against this? Why does it hurt so much?

"Jongho was worried."

You jump at the voice, turning back around. Mingi stands there, almost shrunken in on himself as he looks at you. Warmth coats his cheeks, possibility due to the low temperature of the night. You cannot look at him without seeing Hongjoong, hearing his words. They want to be like me, my Rose.

"Please go," you whisper. "You will not want to hear my next words if I continue."

"Then just listen to mine, please darling." His endearment. He says it with such ease, heart. He takes your not-response as an invitation to move forward. In the beginning he keeps you company as you scrub. The tears continue to roll, even more so as he sits there with you. From the corner of your eye he takes a handkerchief from his pocket, reaching out to touch your hand. You flinch.

"I will not do anything you would not like, Rose. Tell me to go and I will."

You look at him. Never in your mind would you want him to leave. You let him take your hand, slowly wipe your skin. He's doing a better cleaning job than your smearing, humming as he does so.

"We've all suffered in some way," he starts, dipping the rag again. "That is why we have decided to join the crew. Our lives were empty. Mine was empty. I lost everyone I've ever known to a fire. I had nothing but the clothing and shoes on my feet. I begged for years until Hongjoong saw me one day and placed me on his crew. No one saw me the way he did. So when he told me of his nature, I could not be afraid. I love him too much to ever think of him as anything other than my captain. Creature or not."

"Why become one of him? Why can you not stay as you are?"

Mingi's breath drags, a low sigh. "Because I was never anything special. I know what you are thinking: I must convince Mingi otherwise so he can change his mind. But this moment now is not something that has suddenly been a decision. He told me of his nature before. Years prior to now. I have always desired, ever since back then, to be like him. To be as strong as powerful. To hold my own. To be someone he could be proud of. He is like the brother I've always wanted, Rose. And I never want to leave his side. Just as I wish to never leave yours."

"I'm not becoming a jiāngshī, Mingi," you sat sternly. "I will avenge my family, then live as a free woman. For the rest of my days."

"You're given eternity and you will not grasp it in your hands?" He asks.

"My life is hard and I would change many things without blinking, but I do not want to live it forever. Humans are not meant to live forever. That is a curse, Mingi. You will watch everyone you care for perish–"

"I only care for the eight of us," he says. "I have no other people but you all. I need nothing else."

You do not know me well, is what you should tell him. I am not this woman you think I am. I am weak, I am unstable. I am not a suitable partner for any of you. Love is not something that I deserve. Instead you can only nod, worry encasing your features. He's so sure of his choice that all you can do is protest and say you'll never agree. You want to save him, save them all. Hongjoong said that he cannot die, but there must be a way.

Because in the end, you love them. And in a strange, bitter way, you love him too. But no human should live this long. No wonder his mind is so deluded. Terrifying. Years upon years of longing for a family and finally having one does that to you. And though you disagreed, along with Yeosang, there is some part of you that believes they will listen to your words. Not his.

"The next stop is soon, correct?" You ask. Mingi is almost shocked at the change of conversation, but nods anyway. "Wonderful."

"Will you leave us?" His hand on yours tightens. "I know that you said you would, but–"

"No."

His eyes light up. You could almost cry at the shine of them in the moonlight. "Are you jesting? Or am I hearing this strangely?"

"I am not leaving you, Mingi. Not yet–"

He pulls you into his arms without another word, a yelp falling from your lips as he embraces you. Despite the dire situation you can almost giggle at his cheerfulness. You wrap your arms around his body, his laughs echoing into your ear. It almost brings tears to your eyes.

"I'm so happy," he says.

You close your eyes, taking in his warmth. You will save him. You will save them all, whether they know it yet or not.

—

Quiet is not something you have ever considered yourself. Even as a young child, your laughs echoing throughout the hallways of your family home. While working as a handmaiden, there was rarely a time you would be silent. Most of your days were filled to the top with orders of the lady or requests being sent out. Never a moment of silence. So your choice to remain so while on the ship bothered all the men you came across. Mingi's teasing is minimal now. Yunho avoids you each time you enter the main mass. Wooyoung and Yeosang are often paired off somewhere you could not find them. San tries to speak to you but you can only give him a smile, maybe. Seonghwa and Hongjoong you could not avoid even if you tried. The latter filled your vision in random moments, sometimes while you helped in the kitchen, other times when you sat alone reading a novel. Seonghwa looked the most worried out of everyone, keeping his eye on you when he could.

Jongho. Jongho you are worried for. He often smiled around you before the circumstances of your silence. Now he never leaves his room. It scares you how quickly he shifted into himself. And now that you're on shore, the only thing you're thinking of is bringing him someplace you can distinguish his feelings. Help the two of you understand the choice that he is making. As soon as San throws over the anchor you're pulling Jongho, your hands curl into his as Yunho lowers the orlop doors.

"Rose?" Jongho asks softly, nervously.

You only turn to him, a smile crossing your lips. "I have only ever been in this city once with my former lady. There's a sight I must show you at once."

"We have so much to do–" Yunho starts behind you, silenced once he sees the look you give him. "Please do not be too late. Captain will throw me to the wolves."

"The captain has other things to worry about," you say, dragging Jongho along with you. The city is alive at this time of day, merchants lining the streets with goods of every kind. Jongho moves a bit closer to you as you make your way through, eyeing men who give you a look over. You can't help but feel endeared at his protectiveness over you. A light smile settles over your lips.

"I have enough coins for dinner if you would like–" Jongho says, glancing at some booths. "If you are hungry please do not hesitate to let me know."

You look up at him, patting the satchel that hangs from your waist. "I have prepared some snacks for us. But we should eat something. Though the walk is not long, we may become starved on the way." You stop in front of a stand, candy coated berries sitting on small wooden sticks.

Jongho notices right away, asking the merchant for two. He hands you one and you can only thank him, taking it between your fingers. "I cannot believe sweets are my dinner."

He shrugs, taking a mouthful, "It is quite tasty," he says through full cheeks. You admire the look for a moment, taking a small bite of your own. Thoughts flash in your head, your sweet Jongho forced to drink blood to survive. Your expression drops at the imagery, not going unnoticed by him. But just as he begins to question you, you entwine your hands once more, running through the crowds and making your way up a trail.

You stop at the peak, reminded of your time when you were younger, your parents bringing you to this same spot. You never thought you’d be on this island again, haunted by your last time. The blood everywhere. You look at Jongho, his eyes wide in awe as he takes in the city. You move to step on the rock, his hand immediately appearing at your side to steady you. You thank him, eyes on the city below your feet. From here you can see the lights, the people. The chaos in the distance. You hold in a breath, trying your best to figure out how to tell him how you feel.

Love is not something you wanted. You were once determined, sure that you would not fall for any of them. But as you look at Jongho, take in his delicate features, think of how he takes care of you with such ease, all you can feel is the exact emotion you did not want to. You let out a shaky sigh, sucking in a breath.

“Rose?” He asks, only for you to shake your head. You sit down on the rock, his movement matching yours.

"My time on this ship was nothing like I expected. Meeting Yunho, I presumed that I would be hiding out in the orlop until the next destination. Nothing would have prepared me for meeting my brother, or becoming so enamored by eight men,” Eight men. What a number. “And I am afraid. Afraid to care for someone so deeply that I cannot breathe. I want you to know that I love you, Jongho. My care for you has moved past anything I've ever known, and it scares me how much I do. How could I live, knowing there was a chance that I could save you from this choice you have made? That I could have told you my true feelings? But in the end you are your own man, and I cannot make decisions for you. I would just like you to know that I truly am not sure this is the correct one you're making."

You look at your fingers, pulling him closer to the edge of the rock with you. "When I first came here it felt so liberating. Watching the lights of the town bright against the sky, seeing each and every person's life pass by every second. I can see why someone would want to have that feeling everlasting. But even Hongjoong himself said that he grew lonely. It is a curse for a reason, Jongho. I would not want you to regret it."

Jongho sits silently by you. He is a man of few words. You've never expected anything else from him. His hand pulls from yours and you're hurt briefly, until the same hand cups your cheek, moving your face to meet his. His eyes are moist, touch shaky as he stares at you. "I wish that I could choose otherwise for you, Rose. I wish that I was brave enough to give up and live until we grow old together. But as do you, I have a family. Though we may not be related in the slightest bit, I cannot let them go that easily. And for that I am sorry."

Another no. You're running out of time. You sigh, gaze moving to the ground. "Will I ever convince you, Jongho?"

"You will not, Rose."

You swallow slowly, nodding. "Alright." You rest your forehead against his, eyes closed. “I just wanted you to know how I felt about it all. That I would never join you, no matter how much my love grows. Extends. Death is something that will always be there for me.”

“If we all are turned into this, would you still say no?” He asks, fingers rubbing your cheek. “If it were all eight of us, would you still not follow?”

“Yeosang would not–” You start, but he shakes his head.

“There is always the chance that he may change his mind.”

“What are you saying, Jongho?” You pull away from him, forcing his hand off your cheek. Anger rises in your body as you stare at him. “He said he would not, so I will take his word. Why are you saying something else entirely?”

He waves his hands in innocence, shaking his head quickly. “I am not saying he will, I am saying it is possible! That is all, Rose. Please do not be angry, I’m just trying to let you see all possibilities. I love you, Rose. I would not want you to do anything you do not want to. No matter how much any of us will suffer in the process, do you understand that? I accept your choices, as you accepted mine just now. If you do not want to live like us, I will never stop you from it. I will let your choices stay, because you are your own person. Forcing my desires onto you is something I would never want to do. Ever,” he emphasizes.

You laugh dryly, rubbing your face. “I’m sorry, I just panicked. I thought you were telling me he changed his mind. It was just a lot to take in for this brief moment.” You must be losing yourself. Has your confidence faltered this much around them? You huff, getting to your feet. You cup your hands around your mouth, staring out into the city.

“I love you, Choi Jongho!”

“Rose!” His eyes widen, moving closer to get to you. You only avoid his hands, laughing.

“I, Rose, am in love with Choi Jongho!” Your laughs are loud just as he grabs you, pulling you down from the spot. His cheeks are a lovely pink, an embarrassed expression on his face. You lean up, pressing your lips against his with ease. “Are you in love with me, Choi Jongho?” You tilt your head, eyes flicking between his. “Are you okay with me being in love with every one of you?”

Without another word, his hands rest against your neck, pulling you against him. His hands are everywhere, in your hair, pressing against your back to pull you closer to him. You giggle as the two of you stumble, falling into a pile of leaves. He does not leave your mouth until you pull away yourself. His hair is a mess, sticking every which way as you look up at him.

“Do you–”

“I am terribly in love with you, Rose. And it terrifies me how much I am that even with your declaration of saying you love another just as much does not bother me in the slightest.”

Your smile slips, laughing coming out more like a scoff. You put your hands back on either side of his face. He feels warm, real. In just a few weeks time, he will no longer. Will you be afraid of him, as you are of Hongjoong? Your heart pains at the thought.

-

“Hold,” He balances the wooden longsword between his fingers. “Keeping your hold steady is key. Your opponent will often use brunt force, but there’s a chance they may be nimble, light on their feet. I’ve rarely if ever come across someone as such, but if you are that exact way, it will be easier to dodge. The only shields we have on ship are scattered about in case of an ambush, but rarely will there be one in hand when it happens. So you must be prepared for that situation.”

You let out a low sigh, staring at the sword in your hands. Seonghwa insisted that you were to train while you were on the ship. You protested for a while until your brother added along with it to the point that you had to agree. And after all of those days arguing here you are with San. Sweat stains your clothing as you rest against the wall. You’ve been at this for hours now, exhaustion seeping into your bones. San’s frown deepens, the crescents against his cheeks matching it. You can help but giggle.

“You said you would cooperate,” he drawls, pointing the sword at you. “But you have been a difficult student.” You move closer to his sword. Once it pokes your arm only slightly, you crumble to the floor, laid out as you stare up at the blue sky.

“Oh boo, what am I to do? You have slain me, I am unable to move anymore. Looks like the lesson is over~” you grin at his face appearing in your vision, a joy against the cloud backdrop. “Mr. Choi, please, let me see this sky once more before disintegrating into nothing!”

“You are not sand, Rose,” he sighs softly, “Seonghwa will not be happy that we have not completed the lesson for today.”

You widen your eyes. “It’s been several hours! If I train anymore my limbs will fall from their sockets! And I am sure he will not enjoy that, Mr. Choi.”

He snorts now, moving from your view. You pout a bit on how easily he’s fallen for your words, until you feel his arms underneath you, pulling you up from the boards. You squeal, wrapping your arms around his body as he holds you against his chest. He laughs, walking you down the stairs to the washroom. Your face warms at how close he is to you, his brow raises at your silence.

“You were talkative just a moment ago. What has made the difference?”

Ah, so he is now cheeky? You move your gaze to his, ignoring how your heart races at the proximity. “Being in the arms of my swordsmanship teacher is not proper in the slightest. How am I to focus on honing my skills when I have a teacher as handsome as yourself? I may faint if we meet eyes.”

Your words do not sway him like it does everyone else, though. “If I am to see a beautiful woman faint at mere sight then I must be doing something correctly. Especially if it is the most elegant flower in the whole garden.”

“You only say that because I am the only flower you see. If this ship was riddled with women you would say otherwise–”

“Do not take my flirtatious words as only that, Rose,” His teasing shifts as he places you back on the floor, dropping to his knees as he does so. You slip from his hold, his hand resting against the doorframe as he looks to you. Sweat drips from his brow, his next words threatening to make you fall to your knees. “My wanting is not only due to you being the only woman I see. As I have said before, you are the most beautiful flower in the garden. If there were hundreds, no, thousands, of flowers surrounding me, you would stand out.”

“There are millions of Roses, you cannot say that.”

“There are millions,” he agrees, moving closer to you. “But none are the one who matches my teasing, treats me as you do, cares for me as such, thanks me for handing her a spoon, worries for me when I’ve fallen ill, thinks about me more often than she would admit. No, not one of those roses is mine.”

Now, how could each of these men leave you speechless? San moves closer, the washroom door closing behind him. You take steps back as he moves forward, your back pressing against the wooden panels. He holds himself up against the wall, forearms on either side of you as he looks at you.

“Do you understand my words, Rose? Or shall I repeat them again?” His brow quirks.

You lick your lips, his gaze watching as you do so. “All you men, all you ever do is think you can take me with ease.”

“How can I take you when you already consider yourself mine? Do you think that I do not know how you look at me? How you look at the rest of us? Anything you want from me, Rose, anything, I will give to you without a second thought. Love, desire, protection. Anything you’d like, I am willing.”

“I can protect myself,” you say, purposefully ignoring the other words. “Do not think that because I am a woman that I cannot."

“I know that you can. But I will protect you anyway, because you are my woman.”

You take in a breath. “Now what am I supposed to say to that?”

“Anything you want,” he moves closer, your chests pressed against each other’s. Both of your clothing is soaked in sweat, his still dripping down his face. Your hand reaches behind his head, tugging him closer. He wastes little time, your lips a breath away from another’s, his breathing tickling you. He brushes his own lips slightly against yours, groaning. His tongue slowly drags against yours.

“I’ve always wanted you this way. Trapped in my arms, unable to leave,” he murmurs. He does not seek a response, moving closer to you, his chest pressed against yours, You rest your hands behind his head as he laughs into your lips, leaning forward. His tongue plays with yours, your head hitting the wood. His eyes search yours with concern but you only roll your eyes, playing with his hair. His hands slide down to grip your hips. He groans against your lips when you tug hard against his hair.

“A lady does not make love against a wall, San,” you grumble. He shines his pretty crescents back at you, moving deeper into the room. He slowly glides you down to the floor, crawling on top of you. “You are so pretty at this angle.”

“You call me pretty?” his brow raises. “Before I can even say it about you?”

“I love being the first, of course.”

“I love you,” he says suddenly, stunning you. His grin stretches across his face, “And now I am the first.”

“You’re a sly man, Choi San.”

“And you are even more of a sly woman, Miss Rose.” His hands slide down your body, sliding beneath the hem of your shirt. You help him, pulling it above your head. He places it delicately on the side of the two of you, hands gripping your sides. He presses a light kiss against your neckline. ”I love you Rose. And I know it is forward of me to say so when you have not confessed before I, but I do. Believe me when I say the words, because I will never stop.”

Your heart swells at his confession despite the circumstances. You love him and you know that he knows that well, but it only warms your heart that he feels the same. “Do you?” You whisper. He takes his lips off of you, leveling his eyesight with yours. “Are you saying that because I am a beautiful woman, or do you truly mean those words?”

“I love you, Rose. And I will love you even after I die. I will love you in every lifetime of yours. I will love you in a world beyond ours, in a story unlike anything we have ever experienced together. I will meet you again and again and my feelings will never change.” He takes your hand, pressing it against the left of his chest. “Now that I have found you, my heart only beats for you. The day that it stops beating will not make me love you less.”

“Do not speak of your death in a time like this,” you say, biting your lip. “I believe you.”

His expression relaxes. “My words are not sweet for the sake of them, Rose. If you never touched me I will still love you the same.”

“Well that is too bad,” you smile. “Because I want to touch you everywhere, Sannie.”

His gaze shifts, loving eyes more surly. You feel his fingers gripping you even tighter.

“You seem uneasy?” you ask. He shakes his head, fingers dipping beneath the lining of your slacks. He rips them with ease, tossing them somewhere near the buckets of water. “Mr. Choi?”

“You seek to ruin me with your words,” his fingers dip inside you without another word, groaning. “You seek to ruin me with your words, but all I can feel is me ruining you, Rose. Do not give me that look,” his lips lift in a smirk. “My words ring true.”

“A man who looks like sin will make any woman glance twice,” you gasp as his finger curls, a slow pace inside of you.

“Then it is only my luck that the only woman I want is one of them,” He moves forward, tongue dragging along the curve of your chin. “You taste sinful, Rose. Hell,” he groans, feeling you tighten against his, now, two fingers inside of you. “I would like to prolong this, but the others are due to bathe soon. I want you so badly, my Rose. Will you let me take care of you?”

“Take me however you please,” you groan, his thumb pressing against your clit. He pulls out just as you almost fall over the edge, pulling off his shirt. Marks decorate his skin, words in languages you cannot comprehend. You see the ship’s flag just beneath his left pec, distracted when you feel his cock rub against your leg.

“Will you like me inside of you, or will you like to become undone by my fingers alone?” He rubs himself against your thigh, the head of him lightly brushing against you. You shiver each time it touches. “I do not mean to rush Rose, but it only a matter of moments before one of the others enters.”

“I want you inside of me, I want to feel you inside of me,” you say, breathless. He lines himself up against you, slowly pressing into you. Your fingers dig into his shoulder, head thrown back as you feel every curve of him inside of you, every vein, every throb. Though you admire his restraint, there is no time to be a gentleman. “San, please,” you beg. “Faster, Sannie.”

“As requested,” Sounds of pleasure escape you as he moves in and out, the wet sounds of your arousal echoing around the room. He sucks your skin, pace quick and deep. He bites your skin softly, hand squeezing your neck as he slams you.

“Mine, all mine,” he murmurs. He keeps your gaze, tilting his head as he stares. Sinful in his gaze. “My Rose, tell me where you’d like me to go,” He groans, cock throbbing. “Where?”.

“Inside of me, San.”

“Inside of you?” He repeats, only to confirm your words. “As requested,” he repeats, lips meeting yours. His pace speeds up, erratic in its movements. His lips meet yours, his pace stuttering slightly. His thumb rubs your clit quickly, desperate for you to come. Another deep push inside you and you tremble, your bodies pressed against another’s as you both cum. He sighs into your neck.

-

“Darling,” Mingi towers over you, a crate of vegetables resting just behind you. You stare up at him in a pout, eyes narrowed. His eyes flick to your lips, only making your mock anger increase. Though Seonghwa said you could help with cargo movement, he only meant small bags now and then, which rarely, if ever, appeared in the storage room on the ship. It was a pity duty, if anything else. So you’ve taken to yourself to start and move the barrels. Having Mingi spot you while you were in the process of doing so was not exactly on your list.

“It’s best if you rest. It’d be a tragedy if you wounded yourself.”

“I am a woman, my love. Not a child. I can tow a few wooden crates across the dock.”

After your confession to Jongho, the others knew of your care for them promptly. You’ve never blamed Jongho because you did not tell him to keep it to himself, but it did shift the relationships between everyone and yourself. Though you have not told them all to their faces that you were in love with them, they knew. Especially Mingi. He has rarely, if ever, left your side once he knew. Right when you woke up the next morning after the night with Jongho, he told you he loved you. It made you laugh at the time at the ease with which he said it, but it comforted you. And now, you’re stuck with him following your every move.

“You can,” he agrees. “But you know why you mustn’t. Someone may spot you—”

And that. The fear of your former lady finding you again. “We are so far from my home—”

“It’s still a possibility,” He steps forward, holding your face in his hands. Your cheeks are crushed as you glower up at him, groaning in aggravation as he presses a chaste peck to your lips. “I want you safe, you know that right?”

“I do. But using the defense of not wanting me to be hurt is such a man thing to utter. You know that I can handle myself on my own,” You press a finger into his chest for emphasis. He nods, your eyes only narrowing further. “Are you patronizing me?”

“I love you.”

“That does not answer the question, smelly man.”

His laugh is boisterous, shaking his frame as he presses you deeper into his chest. You cannot be upset with him long, the large frame of his holding anything but meanness. Which only makes you angry that it’s difficult to be angry with him. You sigh low, wrapping your arms around his torso.

“I’d never do such a thing, darling.”

“Wonderful. Now let me go. I may suffocate before we make it to my destination if you hold me any longer.”

His hold tightens, “Not until you say you love me back.”

“Mingi!” You try to wrestle out of his grip, but he doesn’t dare to let go. You laugh, shifting your face up to look at his. Chin resting against his chest, your gazes meeting each other’s. “You’re such an asshole.”

He gasps, eyes widening. “A lady shouldn’t say such vulgar words, you know. And that isn’t going to make me let go.”

“I love you, Song Mingi,” you say simply, pinching his side. “Now unhand me you big stinky man!”

A knock makes you want to turn and see, but Mingi only shifts his head, trapping you within his hold. You whine but he ignores, a wide grin on his cheeks.

“Hyung, she was just confessing her undying love for me. You’ve interrupted,” he says, pout on his lips. There’s few that he calls the title but you still cannot tell who it is.

“Remove her from your hold, I’d rather see her in one piece.” Ah, Seonghwa. You pinch Mingi’s bicep, hard, and he yells, letting you go. You move around him to face Seonghwa, groaning when the smelly man wraps his arms around your waist, resting his head on your shoulder. It is an awkward angle, but you do not protest, letting him continue. “We are to have dinner tonight in the captain’s quarters. He requests that we all dress well since it will be the first time since Rose told us that she would be joining the crew and he would like to celebrate.”

Mingi notices how your body tenses within his hold, his thumb rubbing against your arm as you take in the information. After your confession, you’ve rarely seen Hongjoong. Not his fault of his own, no. You were the one that avidly avoided his every move. You have not entered the dining hall since everyone found out about how you felt. Admitting to the captain that you're promise to never fall for him filled terribly is not something you're looking forward to. Especially the snide remarks he's very likely to make.

"Is it mandatory?"

"It is a celebration of you, Rose. Of course the main reason for us gathering needs to be there," he says simply, noticing the drop of your expression. "It will not be all night, so you needn't worry about that."

"I would love to celebrate with you all, truly. It is just difficult for me to do so, don't you understand?" You hope for some sympathy. Perhaps enough to stop the dinner entirely. You cannot defy the captain's orders on your own. But if Seonghwa suggested it, it might change. Hongjoong has a soft spot for the Quartermaster.

Seonghwa nods, "I do. And I hope you understand my next words when I say that I've advocated for it not to happen because of your dislike of events as such. But the captain did not budge this time, Rose. My deepest apologies for not being convincing enough."

"It is not your fault, Hwa. I thank you for the attempt," you rest your hand upon Mingi's arm that's still wrapped around you. "I will be ready by then."

He gives you a small smile, nodding. You notice how his eyes linger on Mingi's arms around you, before disappearing up the steps. You sigh softly, leaning back into Mingi's chest.

"Am I being too harsh to the captain?" You ask him, voice barely above a whisper. "Are the steps I've taken too far?"

"Everyone has their own comfort levels, darling. Yours are not wrong."

"You did not answer my question." You point out.

"It's more complicated than just a simple answer, Rose. We all know of your disdain towards him. And we all know why it has grown. But we also know that the captain is trying his best to make you feel comfortable in his presence. Perhaps giving him a chance will do wonders."

You let out a low sigh, "I cannot speak to you when I'm in distress. Your answers are too well crafted for me to deny."

"So it means you will go without complaints, then?"

"Oh, I will never stop my complaining. But I will attend. Reluctantly," you add, turning around in his arms to meet his gaze. "Now where were we?"

"I'm not allowing you to lift them no matter how many words you try to entrap me with!"

"You are such a menace!"

-

Your hand brushes the metal knob. It’s quieter now without the backdrop of several other crew members aboard the ship, the loud laughter silenced as you swing open the door and duck through the entrance. Everyone else is already seated, chatter amongst them as you make your way down the steps. You’re thankful for the obvious space they give you, not meeting your eyes until you take the open seat at the table. Unfortunately for you, though, the only one left is at the head of the table, the opposing side occupied by the captain. You almost begin to complain at the notion, but you stop yourself. This is the one night you should be cordial with him. It would be rude of you to start out with anger already. So you take the seat.

On your left sits Seonghwa to your mild surprise. You very much expected him to take the seat near his captain. Continuing down the line is Yeosang, Mingi, then Wooyoung. On your right sits Yunho, San, Jongho, and your brother, Subin. Just as you sit down Seonghwa leans closer to you, voice hushed as he speaks his next words.

“You were not long, no need to worry,” he assures you without you needing to ask. “In fact, I am sure that we all were early to arrive.”

“Moreso Seonghwa and Wooyoung,” Yunho adds in, taking a sip of his water. “Once they heard about the gathering they both made it an hour before. Though I can give a bit of leeway to Wooyoung since he is our cook, there’s no reason for the Quartermaster to arrive as early as he did.”

Seonghwa frowns, “I was inspecting the perishables.”

  “Inspecting it while sitting in that same spot for over an hour?” Yunho smirks, only causing San to chuckle next to him. You match his grin, resting your chin on your folded hands as he begins to explain himself. A tap on the table ceases the conversation immediately, Hongjoong standing at the helm.

“We are here to celebrate, not tease,” he says, shaking his head at Yunho. The man smiles but says nothing in response, bowing to his captain. “Our Rose has finally decided to join our crew, to embrace our family as her own. We all thank you for this, and hope that you can enjoy your time with us on our ship. I will protect you with my life, as will the rest of the men at this table.”

Your brother is the first to stand, holding out his beer bottle to you. Hongjoong wraps his arm around his shoulder, pulling him closer as they both salute to you. The others all stand as well, glasses raised. You slide from beneath the table, curtsying at their motion.

“I thank you all as well for taking me in as your own without question. Here I have found a member of my family that I mourned for years, and I have also found companionship within these wooden walls and on the vast, open sea. Though there are many decisions that will be made against my own beliefs, I do think of you as my home. I hope none of you doubt that,” you meet each of their gazes, briefly lingering on Hongjoong’s. The smirk that you expected rests on his lips. You notice the grip that his hand has on your brother, brows furrowing once you see an odd bandage on his neck.

Their sudden cheering distracts you from it, their glee making yours rise. They all sit back down, the quiet immediately filled with chatter as they all begin to laugh and eat. Your eyes flick down to the plate in front of you – bloody meat, seared on either side. You swallow slowly, pushing it away as you eat the potatoes in another bowl. You can’t quite figure out what’s happening, but something is off. Your gaze moves to the wine cup in Hongjoong’s hand, the familiar blood swirling inside of it. But once you move down the table, you see everyone with it in their hand except for Yeosang, drinking it with ease. There’s still several days left. There is no way–

“Are you alright?”

Seonghwa looks at you, pink lips stained bloody red. The metallic smell hits your nose, your stomach groaning, mouth running dry. Your eyes move to your brother, the sounds muting themselves once you see his fingers wrapped around the glass, taking a long drink. He almost holds it desperately, tongue dragging along to rim to take in every drop.

Hongjoong never mentioned Subin, he never said –

“Rose?” Yunho touches your hand. You pull back immediately, frightened at the touch. It is not like you have not ever let him touch you, you’ve spent several nights next to him as you slept. But he’s always been warm. Why is he now so terribly cold? “Talk to me.”

You stand, the drag of your chair against the floor disrupting conversations. Your hands shake, moist with sweat as you move away from them all. Your brother is the first to get to you, hands raised as you shrink away from him. Blood stains his shirt, splatters across the cotton as he moves closer. How could you not have noticed it before? Were you so stuck in your own head you forgot what's happening right in front of you?

“Breathe, Rosie. It’s okay–“

You shake your head, words lost as you open and close your mouth. His hand touches yours. Cold.

“What did you do?” You ask him, blinking slowly as you meet his eyes. The brown is lighter now, crimson as he stares at you. You hold back your scream, body shaking. He’s your brother, he’s alive. He would not make this choice just after finding you. He wouldn’t. Subin wouldn’t.

“It was for me, Rose. He asked and I just couldn’t say no–"

You close your eyes, sucking in your lips. Think, think. Say something.

“How?”

“Rosie–"

“How did you turn into something like him?” Your voice is stern now, angry. “What did you have to do?”

His expression breaks down as you glare at him. Keeping one hand raised, he slides the bandage down, revealing a stab wound just beneath the curve of his chin. You gasp, hands flying to your mouth as you stare at it. It’s the same spot that Hongjoong showed you when he ‘injured’ himself. His fingers brush against it. You expect him to at least hiss at the pain, but his teeth shine at you as he grins.

He’s grinning.

“It only hurt for a moment, but when I came to I was alive again. I have never felt more alive in my whole life.”

Dead. He had to die to become like Hongjoong. Your eyes move to the rest of the men in the room, worries etched in their faces. The only man who matches your expression is Yeosang, the only clear face through the cloud. You do not get the chance to dwell though, Hongjoong clearing his throat.

“I thought it would be a good time to show you what it means to be like me. They will not be warm like I due to the curse that was bestowed upon me. They will remain cold for the years they live,” He gestures to the rest of the men around the room, “Only a few have not been turned yet, but if you saw the process you might think differently. Mingi insisted that he would be the first to show you.”

He’s of no sound mind if he believes you’d like to see them die one by one. Seonghwa notices how tense you are, how close you are to falling apart, and turns back to Hongjoong. “Captain, this may not be a good time to start this–"

“Nonsense. If she is to live as part of the crew, she must witness this with her own eyes. Mingi, come,” Hongjoong waves him closer. Mingi looks between you and him, giving you a quick smile before moving closer to him.

“No!” You yell, pushing Subin out of the way. Seonghwa holds you against him just as Mingi places his head against the table. The others look on, Yeosang’s eyes away from the scene as Hongjoong lifts the knife. Just before he pushes it into his neck, Seonghwa covers your eyes, the sound echoing in your ears. Mingi cries out, the thumping of his limbs against the wood filling your ears. You try to pry Seonghwa’s hands from your face but he doesn’t move, even as your nails dig into his skin. Your tears paint his palm as you sob, falling to the ground. Though you cannot see anything, the picture in your head is gruesome enough, the sound of him dying almost too much to bear.

“It’ll be okay,” Seonghwa whispers to you softly, pulling you closer to his body. You notice how warm he is compared to Yunho, Subin. He has not turned yet. You dip your head into his chest, throat aching from the screams you let out. “He’ll be fine, Rose. Trust me.”

“You did not let her see the main event,” Hongjoong sighs. “That is what she came here for.”

“Seeing someone die is not a special occasion,” Seonghwa says, sharp in his tone. “Have you forgotten what she has gone through?”

“Are you questioning my choices, Park?” Hongjoong hisses back. You cannot see him, but you hear the familiar steps of Hongjoong as he moves closer to you. “Answer me.”

You look up from his chest to his face, seeing the anger in his brows, the turn of his lips. He looks down at you, his expression softening. “I am not, Captain. I follow your lead, as always, without question. My apologies, seeing Rose distraught hurt me.”

“Mingi will be up soon,” Hongjoong says just behind you. “I’ll have him visit you Rose so that you can see he is well. Seonghwa, you can take her back to her room. We will continue your ceremony once she is well enough on her own.”

Seonghwa nods, lifting you with ease off the floor. Your eyes move down to the wood, the glistening of a slow blood trail just near you. He holds you close as the two of you leave the room, ducking his head and shutting the door behind him.

He does not try to start conversation, holding you close as he leads you back to your room. Though, instead of walking down the steps to yours, he goes to the opposite side of the ship, opening a hatch and making his way down to his own room. You’ve never stepped foot on this side out of politeness, knowing that he rested here alone. You blink slowly as he places you on his bed. He shifts through the dark, reaching for a match and striking it against the sandpaper, holding it close as he lights the lanterns in his room. It’s quaint in comparison to many of the men, his belongings neatly placed in their spots, clothing folded and hanged, clean. You’re sure you cannot spot one dirty corner of the room, much cleaner than even yours.

Your head throbs as you rub it, Seonghwa crouching down next to you. A small cup of tea rests between his fingers, blowing on it lightly as he holds it up to your lips. You take a slow sip, hotter than you expected it to be. You thank him as he hands it to you, his body resting against the frame of the bed as he waits for you to finish.

“I did not know he would do that,” Seonghwa starts, a pained expression on his face. “If I knew, I would have objected to your presence immediately. No one should have to witness the death of a loved one when it is not necessary. When I invited you I truly thought it was to welcome you to our crew, nothing nefarious. I know my words are not the most trustworthy because of my relation to our Captain, but I hope you can see them as true. I would never want to hurt you in such a way, Rose,” his voice cracks at the end, eyes watering. “I could not imagine how you would react seeing him like that, so I had to cover your eyes. Something that horrid could not be removed from a memory. Shielding you from that scene is not something I will apologize for.”

The cup rests between your palms, hot tears rolling down your cheeks. “I have always considered myself a brave woman and yet here I am, continuing to cry in front of you. You do not need to apologize to me for something they have planned. I assumed you did not know from your reaction alone.”

He bites his lip, shaking his head. “They hid it because they knew I would rather die than let you be in the room when it happened.” Die, death. It seems that you cannot ever escape it. The screams of Mingi still resonate in your ear, the tightening of your chest almost making you feel faint.

“Can we not speak of your death right now, Seonghwa?” The words are at a whisper as you speak them, gaze glued to the back of his head. “I’ve seen enough of it already to last a lifetime.”

He nods to you, letting the silence fill the air again. You place the cup on the side table, closing your eyes as you rest your head against his pillows. All of them dying lingers on your mind. Especially the way your brother seemed so happy to show you the wound on his neck, telling you that he’s no longer a human. The way he gripped the glass of blood, drinking it with earnestness, letting it drip onto his shirt. Seonghwa is one of the few who decided against it at this moment. But you know he wants it, you know it is probably on his mind right now, just as it is on yours.

“Will he force me to watch you die too?” You ask softly, though you just tossed away the subject.

“I wouldn’t allow it.”

“You would not be in the position to make that decision.”

Seonghwa turns to you, your head tilted in his direction as you meet his eyes. You’ve always loved the way they are so open, full of life. Rarely if ever does he hide his true emotions, and even if he could, you could tell from a look what he truly felt. Like right now.

  “He would not go against my wishes.”

“He knew you would not like for me to see that and yet he did it anyway. He cares about no one’s wishes but his own,” you scoff, rolling your eyes. “If that was the case he would not have ever offered this to you.”

“You believe it was his idea?”

“That is what he said, yes.”

Seonghwa’s lips lift, a small smile. “No, my doe. He did not make that decision on his own. Wooyoung was the first to bring it to his attention after a long night. It was before you arrived on the ship. After a night of fighting with another crew, many of us were bruised, bloody, wounds covering our skin. Our captain was the only one who did not suffer like we have. He could only watch us as he assisted with bandaging our wounds. Wooyoung spoke and asked if there was any possibility that we could be like him. At first the captain insisted that there was not, that we would have to live like this. Then he loosened his lips and confessed that it was possible. That night, the majority of us agreed to turn into him. We could change our tune at any time, but none of us have. Including Yeosang,” he adds. “He never wanted it, so none of us pushed him into it. And not too long later you arrived on the ship.”

Why did he lie? Did Hongjoong want you to hate him more, look at him with utter disdain? But why? Was it not his end goal to make you love him? And he has achieved it, somewhat. Though he seems keen on destroying your care for him entirely.

“Do you know why he was cursed?”

Seonghwa’s expression shifts, darkens. “He was never willing to give us a reason.”

“And you are not the least bit curious?”

“I was,” he admits, tucking his legs closer to him. “But when you’ve lived with someone longer than you’ve lived without them, you learn. Whatever it may be that he has done, he has suffered for it. I think it unnecessary that I pry into his past to find out what it was.”

You adore Seonghwa with every bone in your body, but this is one thing you cannot agree on. Being cursed with something of this nature and not giving it a second though is obscene. Trying to pry out any more information from his mind will only make him close himself off more. All you can do is watch as each of them turn into something unimaginable. You wish that your brother was nowhere near it, but it is done. Now you must find a way to bring him back.

“Forcing your own beliefs on people who want this is not a wise choice,” Seonghwa says. You have not noticed, but he’s turned to look at you. “He will push you away.”

“He’s my brother.”

“One you have never seen, Rose. None of us are who we once were,” Seonghwa sighs. “I am sure he’s unlike the boy he tells you he was. Protecting your family is of utmost importance, that I know from experience, but there are times that we must let go.”

He’s telling you to let your brother live a life of drinking human blood? The way he speaks of it is so odd, strange. The more you look at Seonghwa, the more you feel as if he’s changed since you’ve met him. You nod, moving your legs to the side of the bed to stand. Your body is still a bit unstable, shaky, but you would rather be in your own quarters than in his. He stands, placing his hand on the edge of the bed.

“You can stay here for the night, I will not dare disturb you.”

“I would prefer being on my own.” You slowly stand, his eyes widening.

"No one will come for you here."

"I would rather not overstay my welcome."

“Rose, please,” his voice is desperate now, holding your arm as you move. You narrow your eyes at his change in tone. “It is for the best, that I promise you.”

“Why will you not let me go?”

“I…” he sucks in a breath, glancing at the door to his room. “I cannot say, but it is best if you stay here. If you have not listened to any of my words, please listen to this. It is in your best interest if you do so.”

“Answer the question, Seonghwa.”

He sighs deeply, running his fingers through his hair. The way his hand trembles, the panicked look in his eyes. He knows something that you do not. What is awaiting you in your room? And why is he not saying so? You did find it strange that he carried you here, with explicit instruction from the captain to place you in your room.

“If I say what will happen, there will be consequences. All I can say is that he instructed me to take you to your room, Rose. And without thinking, I took you to mine. No one else but Hongjoong is allowed in here, and he will be preoccupied with the others tonight. Do you understand what I am saying to you? Please rest here, I will make sure you will be alright if you just stay.”

"... Alright. I will not leave."

"Do you promise this?" He says, eyes flicking between yours. "Promise me Rose. Promise you will not leave this room until daybreak."

"I will not leave, Seonghwa. I promise you."

The stress from before slides from his gaze, tension loosened. He lets out a small breath, nodding slowly. "And I will follow my own promise and leave you be. Not fully, I'll stay outside my room after I'm done."

This is not the right moment to do it, but you reach out, letting your hand cup his cheek. You try to memorize the warmth beneath your fingertips, hoping that he changes his mind in the next few minutes. He leans into your touch, lids fluttering as he covers your hand with his. He presses a chaste kiss into your palm, eyes steady on yours.

"Love does not change in an instant, my doe. I will still be the same man."

You will not.

"We can love each other as before."

You cannot.

You place your other hand on the side of his face, holding his head between your fingers. Your eyes watch as his cheeks flush beneath. If there were a way to capture this moment forever you would do it without hesitation. To see him like this again. You hold back your tears, biting your lip.

"I've always admired your eyes, Hwa," you say, lip trembling. "They are so full of life, expressive. Round. Though I do not believe in love at first sight, I do know that once you laid your gaze upon mine, I could never look away."

Seonghwa begins to shake his head, but you hold him steady. "Even now knowing it will not be the same. Please look upon me one more time so that I can keep that moment in my head for years to come."

"You will never lose me."

You can barely make out his words, his fingers digging into yours, light sobs falling from his lips. You hold in yours, letting your forehead rest against his. It feels as if you're mourning him when he is right in front of you. The fleeting wish of knowing him sooner so that you may have spent time with him as he is now crosses your mind. And with horror, the small thought of you living as them so you can know them longer lingers.

"I love you ever so much, Seonghwa," you say. "And I will not make you listen to what I want. If this will make you happy, then I will accept your decision."

-

Seonghwa locked the door behind him. You hold your legs close, the sound of Mingi dying echoing in your mind over and over. The blood splattering against the floor, trickling down the wood, almost touching your shoes. Sleeping through the horror in your mind is unlikely. In times like this you would stand on the deck, stare at the stars. But now, you fear, if you leave this room something may happen to you. The only person you are afraid of is Hongjoong, but with the panic in Seonghwa's eyes maybe you were too innocent to believe no one else could cause harm.

The captain said that Mingi would visit your quarters. Would they start a search once they see that you're not there? Seonghwa would have told you by now, no? You trust him. He would do everything in your best interest. And your brother. You should speak to him, somehow figure out how to handle this. How to make things right again.

A light knock on the door makes you freeze, eyes on the knob. It does not move, whomever it is, thankfully, not opening the door entirely. Or forcing it open.

“Seonghwa told me you were here after much persistence on my part,” his voice seeps through the cracks in the wood. You’ve always enjoyed listening to him speak though he never went on tangents often. “I know I’m not allowed inside, so I wanted to speak to you through it, if I may.”

“I’d never reject your presence, Yeosang. You should know that well,” your voice feels smaller, unsure. “Have you…”

“No,” he says quickly. You hear him slide down the door, a sigh leaving his lips as he rests his head against the wood. “Nothing will convince me otherwise, Rose. Please trust me when I say I’d rather die untimely than become something like them.”

“Have they all turned now?” You ask.

There’s hesitance in his voice. “No. Not when I left, no. Seonghwa is the last. He left for the captain’s quarters. I do not believe you will be seeing him again tonight. He will be preoccupied for the remainder. Apologies for not being who you expected to hear from tonight.”

He needn’t apologize. You are thankful that it is him resting outside your room and not anyone else. Even your brother, who you worry for, you cannot see just yet. Your emotions still have not settled, the grip on your necklace only tightening as you think back to tonight. The sound of Mingi’s flesh being pierced ringing in your head over and over. You are not sure it will ever stop. Yeosang does not say anymore. As always, a man of few words.

“Will you be okay, Yeosang?”

“Hm?” He hums.

“Your family, they’ve all turned. You will be alone.”

There’s silence. You play with your necklace, your nerves taking over. Have you said too much? Why does this man make you so nervous? Your breath hitches, chest pounding.

“I have always been alone, Rose. Losing another family of mine is nothing new. But I will not leave them,” he says, clearing his throat. “I’ve lived with them for so long on this ship I know nothing else. I have promised to stay by their side no matter what decision they’ve made. They are my home. And this may be selfish to say,” you hear him shuffle again. “But I had hoped that one day you may think of us as your home too.”

You do.

You did.

“I care for you all, Yeosang,” you say simply.

“But not enough to live with us like this? You have officially joined us not too long ago, and you are deciding to leave? Do you fear them that much?”

“It is more complicated than just a fear,” you swallow. “I cannot get the thought of my parents’ bodies, swallowed in a pile of their own blood out of my head. I do not want to witness anything like that again. It was silly of me to even accept a position on this ship knowing what pirates do. And it was even more silly of me to fall in love with all of you in my own separate, intricate ways. I should have stopped that night we were together. I should have pulled away.”

“Do you regret it? Us being together?”

His lips trail along your neck, crescents embedded in your skin as he pushes deeper into you.

You flush at the memory, mouth dry. “I will not, as long as I live.”

“I will not either, Rose. I think of it everyday, if I am being honest.” His body moves closer to the door, your eyes glancing at the shadow of him just on the opposite side. Seonghwa told you explicitly that no one else is allowed in his room except Hongjoong. But the thought of opening it just so that Yeosang can clouds your mind entirely. “Your body underneath mine, the way you tightened against me as I moved deeper inside of you.”

Your chest rises and falls quickly, swallowing the saliva that pools in your mouth.

“Wouldn’t you like to do that again? And again, and again.”

“Yeosang,” a heavy breath leaves your lips, wetting them with a flick of your tongue. “We cannot do that tonight. Seonghwa, and the others–”

“They would not mind, pretty,” his voice switches, a higher pitch falling from it. His nails scratch against the wood, breaking it beneath his fingertips. “My pretty peach.”

This is not Yeosang.

“How the hell did you do that?” You say, moving further up your bed. You look around for anything that may be of use, in case he decides to enter the room. “How could you mimic him?”

“A perk of not being human,” he giggles, a shiver running down your spine. “You would only speak to me if I were your Yeosang, pretty. I needed to change it a bit so that you’d listen.” Though you cannot see him, you can picture the pout on his lips, the mischievous glint to his eyes. “I can make you feel good again if you let me in.”

“The Wooyoung I know is afraid to even touch me, let alone encourage it. What has he done to you? Why are you this way?” And it is true. Wooyoung is shy, nervous. You could barely get him to look you in the eye without the familiar flush on his cheeks. This Wooyoung? His confidence makes your heart skip beats, but he is not Jung Wooyoung. The shy chef that gives you extra portions, the man who makes you flowers out of spare oregano he discovers in the kitchen, the man who you love dearly. “When did he turn you?”

“Moment’s ago,” he says. “And I am the same, Rose. I only am more confident in my words. I let my thoughts out of this head of mine now. Do you not like that more? Does that not satisfy you?”

“A change was not needed in the first place–”

His fist bangs against the wood, breaking through the door. You scream, gripping the candle holder in your hands. He stills, fist still in the hole. You can see half his face, lips open in shock. He opens, then closes them, pulling his hand away from the hole. Though it is dark, you can see a bit of the way his body shakes, quickly standing to his feet.

“I did not… Rose, I do not know of my strength. I–” His voice wavers. “I am sorry. I’ll leave you. Please do not be afraid, okay? I will not bother you anymore tonight. I promise that.” He disappears after that, your hands tight around the holder as you stare at the hole. The last sentences he spoke reminded you of your Wooyoung, but the fear that he can just… easily, break through wood, only solidifies your fears. He could have broken down the door if he wanted.

You must leave.

-

It is probably too early in the morning when you wake, still gripping the candle holder. You wipe your face with the small bowl of water Seonghwa left on the side table, standing. You look through the small window, the moon still high in the sky. You look through his room, grabbing a small knife and tucking it in the strap wrapped around your thigh. Just as you move to the door, you stop, thinking.

Seonghwa warned you about leaving his room, in fear of what would happen if you went back to your room. You trust him. But there is a part of you that wonders the full truth to his words. What if he wanted you to stay, so that he would come back for you? Is it too far-fetched to believe that he would turn you once he arrived back in his quarters? Hours ago there would have been a definitive answer, but now you are not so sure. Especially with the way Woo smashed into the door. Your eyes flick to the hole, finally swinging the door open.

The dark is quiet as you make your way up the steps. There are small boats you can take, push it off the side and be on your way. You would need a map depending on how far you are from land, but you can recall Jongho saying it is just a day and a half away. Is that enough? Will a small boat be able to take you to shore? Or are you confided to this ship, stuck with a group of men, thirsty for your blood?

You hold the lantern close.

“Discouraging yourself is not something you often do, Rose,” you murmur.

The breeze stings your cheeks harshly, the wind tasting of salt as you climb up the steps. You stomp loudly on the last step, letting out a brief breath from tiredness and glancing to the side. It’s quite dark, the skies clouded. You dig into the pocket of your vest, a small blade resting between your fingers. It’s warm from your skin, shining from the lanterns that line the bow.

“We told you to rest,” A voice next to you says.

You turn to him, your gaze shifting upwards to meet his eyes. Despite how daring Yunho’s look is, the scarlet shocks you momentarily. You don’t let it show in your gaze though, expression cool. It is still Yunho, you ponder. Even if he has changed. So, you reach up to trace his chin, pulling back promptly when you feel how frigid it is. He furrows his brows at that, taking a step forward. Without pause you take one back, holding a hand up so that he does not follow.

“Are you well, Rose?”

“It is I who should inquire about that,” you say, swallowing deeply. “Is this choice of yours irreparable? Are you unable to be as you once were?” Forward enough in your words, you hope that there is something you can do to help him. Help them all. He is your Yunho, the man you love. Or, the man you once loved.

"Why?

The question is simple. How a one-word answer can hold so much is beyond you. But you can only stare up at him. The feeling of love is oddly mixed with fear, hurt.

Disgust.

"You're not you any longer," you say, voice hushed. As if you were keeping it away from the others. Just between the two of you. Yunho's expression drops as your words settle, flicking between your eyes. You don't dare catch his gaze, knowing that it will only hurt more. "I cannot love you when you are not even alive."

"Look at me."

"No."

"Rose, please look at me."

"Your eyes are not the same. I can only look at you with terror, Jeong Yunho. And I fear that is the only emotion I will feel until you are well again."

"Rose," His scoff is a bit amused at your wording. You take a sneaking glance at him, watching as he runs his fingers through his locks. They seem shiner, neater in appearance. Too perfect, you think. You look down just as he looks back at you. "I am well. I won't ever feel better than I do at this very moment. Will you never accept me as I am? Will you never accept the rest of us?"

You know your answer. You know how it will hurt him so, the words that you're about to say. But it will only wound him more if you do not meet his gaze while uttering the confession. So your eyes flick to his, wavering at the color staring back at you.

"I cannot love people who are dead, Yunho. I will mourn you. Mourn who you once were. But I will not stay on this ship longer than I must. The next stop will be my last."

"You don't mean that."

You nod solemnly. "A lie has never fallen from these lips."

"You might change your mind. I am sure that you will," His voice is persistent, desperately trying to peel your resolve. "Being together forever can change your mind, you can join us. The others wouldn't hate the thought either. Please think it over."

"Everyone I love is dead, Yunho. And I am not ready to join them in their fate," You're lumping them with your family, all who've perished terrible ends. Except your brother, with whom you hope can come with you once you arrive at the next port. "And I did not come out here to debate you. I am walking to take a breath, without onlookers." And in hopes to find some supplies you may leave with.

His fist relaxes as he takes a breath. It's not what he wanted to hear, that you know, but he doesn't try to dig any further. Instead he nods, stepping away from you. You sigh in relief, the beating of your heart slowing down. The admittance of being afraid of him would never be said. But from his fallen expression, sad eyes, you might not even need to say the words. He knows already. It hurts to see how much it affects him, knowing that you'd never touch one of them again. But it is for the better.

Since they will be dead by your blade soon if you cannot find a solution.

He disappears down the ship, the lantern fading into the dark. You watch his back. Once it disappears, your steps quicken, grabbing an emergency satchel that rests next to the stairs. You look through, frowning as you note the supplies. There is possibly a week’s worth of food in it, maybe more if you rationed, but not enough that you’re confident you will survive more than two weeks out at sea. Walking through the food area and into the kitchen is a risk, especially when you are not sure where everyone is on the ship. Your room is out of the question, Mingi perhaps lingering inside of it, waiting to see you.

The reward outweighs the risk, so you throw the satchel over your shoulder, quickly making your way across the deck. You descend down the steps, not bothering to glance at the quarters to your right. You push the door open, glancing inside of the dining room. It’s quiet. Even the table that you sat at, where Mingi died, is clean, free of the evidence of just hours prior. Lingering around is not the best idea, so you quickly walk through, pushing the door open to the kitchen.

You almost drop your satchel at the sight.

Hongjoong grips Seonghwa’s hips, pressed against him as Seonghwa sits on the counter. The view is erotic in itself, Seonghwa’s head thrown back as Hongjoong’s lips are pressed against it, hips joined together as Hongjoong’s fingers dig into them. Seonghwa’s corset loosened, a moan falling from his lips when Hongjoong pulls him closer. His eyes slowly open, head turned to your direction. They widen immediately upon seeing you standing there, hand touching the back of Hongjoong’s head, tugging. Hongjoong lifts his lips from his neck, a trail of saliva and blood dripping from his lips. His head turns, but before he meets your eyes you twist on your heel and run, throwing your body against the swinging doors. Realizations ring in your head, consuming your thoughts.

Hongjoong was feeding on Seonghwa. How long has this been happening? Seonghwa’s eyes aren’t red, so he’s not turned yet, but was he going to be at that very moment? You have never sensed anything romantic between the two, but was that just your mind too involved with everyone else to see?

None of these questions matter in the long run. What they do in their spare time is none of your concern. You could not grab extra food, so you must deal with what you have. Just as you go to open the dining hall door, a hand slams against it, stopping you. You can recognize his hand quickly, nails painted with blood, rings adorning his fingers. You do not turn around to face him.

“This moment would have been avoided if you would have resided in Seonghwa’s room, my Rose,” Hongjoong’s voice is low, near your ear. You can feel how close he is, barely an inch apart from your body. “What will I do with you now?”

“Please,” you say softly, fear coursing through you. “I will leave, and I will not tell anyone what happened on this ship. I will remain silent until the end of my days, captain.”

He laughs, “The end of your days? My Rose, my pretty Rose, the end of your days will end when this Earth no longer turns. That is quite a long time, you know. Even I would not suggest a promise like that.”

You do not respond.

“Now you will not speak to me, Rose? Will I have to force that pretty voice to speak?”

“What would you like me to say, Hongjoong? Beg for my life? I have told you endlessly that you will never have me. That I will never desire you–”

“Ah, right,” he interrupts. “But you do desire me, Rose. Did you think that I did not know of your love for me, for us all? Denying yourself the pleasure of being mine will only hurt you in the end. Here you are, begging for me to let you go. I thought you said you would never beg me?”

Anger courses through your body, stopping immediately once you feel his fingers brush against your neck. You turn around quickly, stumbling when you see his eyes. His free hand catches you with ease, holding you close. His eyes are completely white, a devilish grin on his lips as you stare at him. He lets you go, his hand still holding the door closed. You move away from him, glancing at the kitchen door. There is no exit, the only one is where Hongjoong stands. He moves his palm off the door, crossing his arms against his chest, head tilted as he stares at you. His shirt is still unkempt, torso exposed to you. You hate that your mind lingers on the image too long. He seems to know as well, his grin only widening.

“What will I do with you, my Rose?” he frowns.

“Let me go.”

His brows furrow. “Let you go? You’ve chosen to stay here with us. Your family. You made that decision on your own.”

“I will be delighted to leave your presence, Hongjoong. In fact, in a few days time, I will be gone. And we will never have to see each other again.” And you hope for that to be true. Even standing here now, your feelings are confusing. Your desire and care for him swirling into your fear of him. How could you possibly fear someone you love? Distance is what you want, need. Staying here any longer will just make it worse.

Hongjoong rests his body against the wood of the ship. “Will you? But your eyes have been cast elsewhere. Seonghwa has taken your fancy instead of I. How could you leave any of them behind?”

“Has he? Because I do recall a good night’s toss in the quarters of Wooyoung. Or was it Yeosang? Jongho? I cannot keep count,” you quirk your brow, fingers brushing against the familiar necklace. His eyes follow your movements, tongue moistening his lips. “Me agreeing to be aboard this ship was never a promise that I will lay with one man. And why would I, when there is an endless supply?”

“You treat us like goods?”

“Oh, absolutely not,” you move closer, hand resting a breath away from his. It is a calculated risk you're taking, standing near him so close. But for the chance to leave him, moving closer to the door, you have to. “I treat you like treasure.”

His eyes widen, brown eyes slowly appearing once more. His hand reaches up, pressing your palm against his chest. You feel how warm he is, how human he feels. His eyes meet yours, curious. There are these brief moments you have with Hongjoong, the moments you believe that he is not as bad as he makes himself out to be. That deep, beneath the centuries of feeding on humans, being cursed to live this long life, deep within there is still the human Hongjoong. And in these brief moments, it utterly terrifies you. The slips make you see him, and make you fall deeper into his hands.

“Is it as hard as you make it to be to love me,” his eyes widen, lids heavy as his gaze moves to your lips. “Will it be so difficult to yearn for me as I do for you?”

“No,” you whisper. “And that is why I cannot.”

“Will you continue to pretend there is nothing? Will you push me away further and further, until the end of time?” he asks, his other hand tilting your chin up, your gaze meeting his. “Do you not see? I will fight anything, anyone for you to look at me as you look at the others. For you to give me that sweet smile of yours. Darling, what will I do?” his head tilts closer to you, eyes stuck on your lips.

Your resolve is breaking. You can feel the pumping of his heart beneath your hand.

“I love you,” he says. “Love me.”

“Captain–”

“Love me,” he insists. He moves his hand from yours, taking steps forward. Your back is pressed against the wall, his hands cupping your face. Want lingers on his face, dripping from his gaze. “The enormity of my desire cannot only consume me. There must be some semblance of it in you if you have yet to pull away from me. Tell me, Rose. Tell me.”

“I cannot–”

“You cannot? Or you will not? Is it not there?”

“Captain–”

“Do not call me such a name when I am holding you like this,” he insists. “Tell me you love me, Rose. Let me hear it from your lips, not another’s. Let me in,” he whispers. “Let yourself be completely unraveled with me. Let it consume you, let it drown you so that I may be the one to help you breathe.”

No. You hate how your legs quiver underneath his heated gaze. You pull your hand off of him. The need for escaping is diminished into nothing, your satchel somewhere across the room. You are not even sure when it left your hold, too distracted with the man in front of you. Saying the word, saying it to him. That will be the end of your lying, of you pushing him away. So why are you so willing to do it?

“Rose–”

“I love you,” you say softly. His eyes glaze over, hands dropping from your chin. “I love you to the point of devastation, of fear. I love you so much that it hurts. I love you so much, that I will leave you.”

His eyes widen.

“Do you hear me, captain? I love you, but I will not let it consume me, I will not allow your sweet words to coerce me into staying here with you until the end of time,” you glance to the side, seeing the kitchen door swing open. Seonghwa stumbles out, a bandage wrapped around his neck. It pulls you back to reality. You were going to let him take over you, let him turn you into one of them. “I will be leaving. And I will find a way to save the others.”

Hongjoong is pulled out of his trance, a scowl forming on his lips. "They would have been nothing without me. Without my assistance, without my guidance."

It should not shock you the way it does, how he speaks of them. You look at Seonghwa, his gaze glued to the floor. "They're your family."

His eyes narrow, a sly smile growing on his lips. He takes a step forward just as you take one back, shrugging. Your fingers grip the silver in your hands, ignoring how the blade digs into your palm. "That is true. I was alone and wanted a family so I created my own. But that does not mean that they're entitled to everything that I enjoy. Did you truly believe that they would be with you if I did not permit it? I chose to let them indulge in you. To please you. But in the end, their needs do not matter, Rose. Because you are mine. No one else's."

"The time on sea has deluded your mind, captain. Perhaps a rest will lessen your worries. There's no need for this speech. I'm safe in their hands." Your voice trembles, revealing your true feelings. He picks up on it, leaning against the table nailed into the floor.

"You are afraid of me?" His smile drops, sympathy in his gaze. It's quite eerie how easily his emotions change. "I do not want my Rose to be afraid."

"You are not well–"

"Continue to tell that lie to yourself," His head tilts, meeting the gaze of something behind you. A hand covers yours, your head whipping to meet the new visitor. Subin looks over you, eyes focused on Hongjoong. "Your brother is soon to leave, anyway."

“He is not leaving.”

“I did not tell him to leave us, he chose on his own. I am not this manipulator that you make me out to be, Rose. A lot of decisions are made without my involvement. But I will leave you to your brother, we have much to talk about with the others,” Hongjoong tilts his head slightly, brushing past your brother. His eyes flick to Seonghwa and he immediately follows, leaving the two of you alone. Subin’s eyes move to you, sorrow within them.

“You are leaving?” You ask.

“I cannot stay in a place I am not wanted, Rose.”

“But you’ve been here for years, much longer than the few months that I have. How is it that when I am aboard, suddenly your relationships change? I…” You take a breath, calming yourself. “If my presence on this ship is causing you distress, then I am no longer welcome here. I have planned on leaving, anyway. With you.”

He shakes his head quickly, “No! You can stay, I’ve overstayed my welcome, and this is not your fault, Rose. Please do not place blame on your own shoulders.” He notices the way your body shakes, fingers digging into your dress. He moves closer to you, hands on either side of your face. “I do not want you to leave because you think it is your fault.” His touch is cold, brittle. A switch from when you first learned of his relation to you. “I was never to stay by the captain’s side for long, you’ve known that from the beginning.”

“I cannot leave your side just yet,” you persist. “I know it is selfish, but we’ve just met not too long ago. Before you I thought I was alone in this world. Your presence has made me feel whole again. I will figure out a way to turn you back. I will, Subin. And we can leave this ship together. You do not have to leave me alone here.”

His brows furrow, “Alone? You have your lovers, you will never be alone.”

“They are not my family, my blood, Subin. You are. You’re my brother.”

His head tilts as he stares at you, “The captain cares for you, Rosie. He is your family just as I am. Blood does not matter, that you know first hand.”

Your brows furrow as you stare at him. His eyes are empty as he speaks his words, as if he’s not saying them on his own. “Do you truly believe I will be safe with him, compared to you?”

He nods, a grin immediately plastered against his lips. “Why not? He is the most formidable captain in history. No one will be able to hurt you when you’re on board. But if you decide that this is not for you, I will come back for you. Give him a month’s time, Rosie. Let yourself see that he does not want to do you harm. That he will protect you.”

The man who stands in front of you now is no longer your brother. Your brother would rather die than let you stay upon a ship full of creatures, of men you’ve only known for a short while. Even before he told you who he was you somehow always saw him around the ship when you were alone with one of the guys, keeping an eye on you. The Subin holding your face in his hands is not the Subin you've come to know. There’s nothing else for you to say, so you merely nod. He presses a kiss against your forehead, pulling away.

“It will all be fine,” he whispers, squeezing your shoulder lightly. You watch as the ghost of your brother walks out the dining hall, leaving you alone.

-

In fear of walking into another, you reside in the dining hall for the last few hours until daybreak, slumped over the wooden table. Your thoughts are too consumed to even catch a wink of sleep. What are you to do? Subin will leave on the next stop, and you planned on leaving last night, but things have changed. Could you leave Yeosang behind? Will you leave this found family of yours, trying to run after your old one? The main goal of yours was to find who killed your family, your parents. But now it seems like a lost cause with what is happening in front of you. There’s high doubt that if you told someone what Hongjoong is, they’d believe you. And it is not like you want to do such a thing; in this strange way, you wish him no harm. You love him without even wanting to.

Your lids are heavy once you hear the door open, stomping against the wooden steps. You lift your head, meeting the wary eyes of Jung Wooyoung. Without hesitance you rise to your feet, gripping the satchel. He holds up his hands, eyes moving between yours.

“I’m not going to do anything–"

“Leave me alone,” you move further into the room. He sighs, dropping his hands.

“I suppose this means you will not join us for breakfast.”

“Sarcasm does not suit you, Wooyoung.”

He laughs dryly, pushing his hair away from his face. There’s little evidence of his previous state, nails clean and sharpened, hair free of grease. Even the clothing he wears has no stains on it. Is this what they become? Perfect versions of themselves? It is of no surprise that they desired this then, despite the negatives. He moves closer to the kitchen, nudging his head in the direction. “Want something for the road?”

“I am not hungry.”

The sound of your stomach growling fills the empty room. A toothy grin and minutes of convincing later, you stand at the entrance of the kitchen, watching as Wooyoung cooks. You have often flattered the man on his skills, telling him that he should work at the finest restaurants in the city, not stuck feeding a ship full of hungry brigands. He always waved you off whenever you would mention it, assuring you that you’re convinced because you have not had flavorsome food in a while. So watching him work now, his swiftness clearly increased by his new condition, he looks like he relishes it more. Though you do not respond to his statements, he continues to speak on and on about things of frivolous nature. Ignoring the elephant in the room.

“Why would you pretend to be Yeosang?” You ask, watching as he places the food into the bowl. You see the briefest of hesitance as he does so, eyes flicking to yours for a moment. “What did you want to gain out of doing so?”

“Have you not noticed?” His brow raises, “You enjoy his presence much more than anyone else. The two of you compliment one another so well, I thought that you would listen to his words rather than my own. It was an imprudent attempt on my part, knowing that you would know eventually. But speaking to you about profounder topics, listening to your qualms, it is what I always sought after. I am sorry for breaking your confidence, but I do not have remorse for attempting it in the first place.”

“The you only nights ago would have stammered over those words. Now you speak your mind with ease.”

He grins, “Is it not lovely? There’s no fear of rejection, of what you might do when I say what I feel. It is freeing, being able to say each thought.”

Your heart breaks at his words. “I enjoyed you just as you were, Wooyoung. Change was never necessary in my eyes.”

“But it was in mine,” his glee drops, wooden spoon tight in his hold. “I was a shameful man, an even more shameful mate. I could not even stand on my own without the assistance of others. I let my thoughts consume me to the point where I no longer acted on things. That is why I was assigned to the kitchen. The captain knows that I was too inept for any other task. Too frightened to step up. Can you not see how much better it is, standing in front of me? I can tell you anything without that soul-crushing anxiousness looming in the back of my mind. I can speak to you without stuttering, without second-guessing my words. Is that not wonderful? Before I could only let out a sentence, now each of my words has conviction. Weight.”

He moves to step closer to you, but stops once he sees you tense. “I still have not learned my strengths yet, peach. I am terribly sorry for scaring you last night. That is the last thing I’ve ever wanted to do. I want you to love me, not to be afraid of me. Is there nothing that can make the fear go away?”

There is one thing. The only thing in the world he would not be able to do. He seems to understand that as well, expression dropping.

“I am happy for you, Wooyoung,” you say, taking the bowl off the kitchen slate. “I am happy that you’re more comfortable as you are now. But this feeling inside of me that knows it is wrong will not go away. I am sorry.”

“We are family, Rose,” he whispers, brows furrowed. “Isn’t that supposed to let you accept us as we are, despite our differences now?”

“I am sorry,” you say again, unable to comfort him. You leave the kitchen, satchel strapped to your back as you exit the dining hall. The weather is cooler this morning, bristling against your skin as you walk across the deck. Your eyes meet none as you take the steps down to your room. Just before you enter, your gaze flicks over to your brother’s door. It’s wide open. He never leaves it open. You put your bowl to the side and peek in.

All of his belongings are gone. You enter, eyes scanning each and every surface you can. You open his draws, swing his closet door open. Nothing. It is as if he was never here in the first place. He would not have left without saying goodbye to you. Subin wouldn’t—

You tense. Maybe he would, now. You leave his room, hearing someone else walking down the steps. But you ignore their presence entirely, grabbing your bowl and unlocking your room. You gasp when you see who is inside, bowl falling from your hands. He reaches for it just before it hits the floor, sighing in relief.

Mingi stands, his height looming over yours as he holds out your bowl. For a moment you forget what is happening, why you’re so afraid. Your eyes flick to the bandage covering his neck, coated in day-old blood. Worry crosses your gaze as you take him in, his clothing soaked in red. You move around his outstretched arm, reaching up to hold your hand against his face. And in this moment, you remember.

His hand holds yours against him, a soothing hum escaping him. He is like the others, completely and utterly frigid. You can only look at him in sorrow as he holds your hand tight.

“Have you been here all night?” You ask softly.

He nods, eyes opening to meet yours. You’ve gotten used to the red of them on the others. “I know you were worried, so I came here right after I awoke. Capt’ told me you would be here waiting for me, but you were not. I should not have worried since there are but so many places to go on this ship, but I could not help it. I decided to stay until you came back.”

Perhaps the change affects them all differently. Here you stand in front of Mingi, sure that this is the same man you’ve known. You rest your head against his chest, a sigh escaping you.

“What will I do with you?” you murmur, not at all expecting a response. The exhaustion from barely getting an hour of sleep weighs on you, revelations of what’s happened slowly encasing you. Tonight you’ve drowned in terror, fear of everyone turning. Now you’re just too tired to think it all through. “I’ll speak to you soon, Mingi, alright? I just need some rest.”

“Oh,” he steps back from you, your head lifting to match his gaze. “I’ll be back later tonight, then.”

“Sure,” you give him a strained smile, watching as he walks out the door. He closes it behind him. You lock it in an instant, falling into a heap on your bed. Though there is much to think about, you let your thoughts leave you, slipping into unconsciousness.

-

You’re woken up to the sound of thunder, jolted from your rest. You wipe your eyes glancing at the small gap underneath your door. It’s no longer bright outside, and from the sound of it, it seems as if you’re stuck in a storm. The bowl to the side of you remains uneaten, and you take a bite of it, frowning at the lukewarm temperature. Though his food is always pleasant, it is better to be eaten hot rather than cold. After a few more bites, you let your mind settle, your anxious thoughts coming back tenfold.

Your brother is gone. Only Seonghwa and Yeosang have yet to turn, and you’re not too sure that the eldest is still human as of now. Mingi lurks around the corners waiting to speak to you, and Yunho is… a question in itself. You’re not sure where you stand with him. Wooyoung and San are turned as well, the latter’s whereabouts unknown. You have not seen Jongho either, though your throat tightens at even taking a glimpse of the man. And the captain. The captain that knows you’re in love with him, and might take that to his advantage. You almost slipped into his hold this morning. Being alone with him is the last thing you’d like to do.

What has gotten into you? Has residing on this ship dulled your senses? Being this troubled about men that are no longer men should have stopped everything. Once you’ve seen Hongjoong come back to life, you should have left. You had the opportunity. Why did you not just walk up that mountain and leave Jongho behind? Why are you so entangled in these men’s lives? And even now as you scold yourself, why have you not conjured up a plan to leave?

The questions only scare you. Because despite your intentions, you’re not sure you will ever leave this ship. You’re free of chains and yet you sit here, letting it all happen to you. Leaving your lady and the only home you’ve known to this maze of lies and feelings. You do not reject meeting them. Letting their happiness sink into you. Staying at your master’s home hardened you, but being on a ship with these men has softened your heart. No, you will never regret meeting all of them. You just regret not being able to save them the way they’ve saved you.

A quick change of clothing and you slip from your room. Staying inside all night is pretty ideal. You’re just very sure that one, or more, would knock on your door sooner rather than later. You take the steps up to the deck, the top eerily quiet. Once Hongjoong rid of the crew at the last stop, there’s been little noise around. You see the others often, but not like before. And now with their change, the quiet is unsettling. You should be searching for any trace of your brother, even if you’re sure he’s long gone. A quick peek over the side-railings and you notice that the ship is close to shore. How long did you sleep exactly? Freedom is just a wave away.

Laughter catches your attention, San and Yeosang walking down the deck. A burlap bag is slung over San’s shoulder, Yeosang nudging him as they speak. You cannot hear them over the loud waves crashing against the ship, a chill traveling down your spine at the temperature drop. There’s doubt that they would try steering the ship to shore now, the waves too erratic to navigate.

“Sleep evades you often,” Mingi says, standing just behind you. He apologizes quickly once he realizes that he startled you. “I waited a bit outside your door for an hour but thought against waking you. Everyone has already had dinner. I believe that Wooyoung left your plate just outside your door.”

“I honestly did not even check,” you admit, turning back to him. “I should go back then—”

“No!” His voice is louder now, catching the attention of San and Yeosang. Just as you blink he is gone, reappearing at the top of the steps, plate in hand. He holds it out to you, your eyes flicking over the rain covered food. His widen, a sheepish look crossing his face. “I did not even consider—”

“No need to fret, Mingi,” you wave him off. “I’ve already eaten when I woke. Though it is a waste for me, I am sure the livestock would not mind a bit of rainwater with their food.”

“Even as a jiāngshī, he is still just a clumsy man,” San snickers, resting his hand on Mingi’s shoulder. His gaze moves to you, smile slipping slightly. With Hongjoong, he could feel the change of emotion, the fear as you stood just by him. The drop in his expression only confirms that he feels just like his captain. You swallow, glancing to the side. Yeosang still stands there, a slight nod. You move closer to him, until you hear San’s voice.

“Will you avoid me?”

“San,” Yeosang sighs.

“Is it not a valid question? Each time one of us encounters her she shies away. You told us you would accept our change and not sway any longer. Why are you changing tune now?”

Your eyes narrow. “Am I not allowed to have fear of the unknown? Of what you may do? Did Wooyoung not tell you?” Confusion crosses his eyes. “So he has not.”

“Rose? What’s going on?” Mingi speaks up.

“Wooyoung pretended to be Yeosang while I was in Seonghwa’s quarters. He manipulated me into speaking with him, to divulge my emotions because I only do so with Yeo. He spoke about my explicit encounters with him. So forgive me if I am a bit hesitant on speaking to any of you for longer than casual conversation. If Wooyoung’s intentions have changed overnight, then I can no longer trust any of you who have become like the captain.”

You feel Yeosang’s hand brush against yours, letting your fingers fold together. He presses his lips against your temple, calming you down for a brief moment. San and Mingi watch the interaction. There is nothing but bitterness in San’s gaze, and longing in Mingi’s. You would have pushed their worries to the side right at those looks, but now… you cannot. Yeosang pulls you away from the two, leading you around the bow of the ship, down the steps to your room. He glances around once to make sure the two of you are alone, then pulls you into his arms. You tuck your face into the curve of his neck, a long, tired sigh escaping you.

“I am deeply sorry,” Yeosang says. “If I’d have known, there would have been no hesitance in me seeing you.”

“This is not your fault, Yeosang. You don’t control the actions of others. Please don’t blame yourself for this.”

His expression is still heartbroken, so you reach up and hold his face in your hands, a light shake to pull him from his thoughts. “It is not your fault, Kang Yeosang. Okay? None of this is.”

“It feels as if I failed to protect you,” he admits, covering your hands with his. “It’s hard to push the thought away. If I would have known he was planning such a thing, or if it even happened at all, I would have ran to you. I just never anticipated something like this happening, it is of no wonder that you have been to yourself. Why would you want to see any of us after such an event?”

“Because I care for you all, in a bizarre and anomalous way,” you whisper softly, closing your eyes. “Yeosang, I am leaving.”

His grip on you tightens, body shaking. “I thought you said—”

“I cannot handle being here anymore. I thought I would be able to somehow conjure up good reasoning for me to stay, but there is none. I no longer belong. I cannot move past this no matter how much I want to. I’m sorry that I was not strong enough.”

He tilts your chin to meet his gaze, “You’ve always been strong, my Rose. And as you’ve done with us, I will do with you as well. If you want to leave I will not try to convince you otherwise. But the others, they will be devastated.”

“I know. That’s why I’m leaving tonight.”

If his eyes could stretch any wider they would. “Pardon?”

“I plan on leaving without telling the rest. The tides are high but I can manage with one of the smaller boats-”

“Yeo, Rose?”

Both of your eyes move to the newcomer, Wooyoung, standing idly by the door. He rubs his arms though he cannot feel cold, brows furrowed as he keeps his gaze glued to the floor. You make no move to comfort him and neither does Yeosang, his eyes sharp as Wooyoung takes another step in.

“Not now, Wooyoung,” he turns back to you. “I would rather you leave.”

He seems to crumble underneath Yeosang’s words, eyes flicking to you. In all honesty you would rather you not see him ever again, but that is unlike you. Letting a situation like this linger is the last thing you’d like. Instead, you nod, gesturing for him to move closer. He looks small, sitting at the desk on the opposite side of the room, eyes flicking back and forth as he stares at the floorboards.

“I-”

“You disgust me,” Yeosang starts. “You are a disgusting man, do you know that?”

“Yeo,” you touch his shoulder. “Let him speak.”

“Has he not spoken enough?” He scoffs, but relaxes underneath your touch.

Wooyoung sighs, stopping once he sees the look Yeosang gives him. “I made a mistake. I was being selfish, I took my new gift as an advantage. I messed up. This is no one’s fault but my own, and I am sorry that I did this to you. To the both of you. Feeling at a disadvantage because of my own selfish reasons should not have made me want to trick you, Rose. I fucked up,” he admits, eyes moving to Yeosang. “And I broke your trust. I do not expect to be forgiven, if I am ever. I let my inner thoughts take over me, let my craving for attention ruin me. I am terribly sorry, Yeosang. Rose. I am.”

You stare at him, knowing that his words ring true. But even with that, there is the chance he may do it again. You let out a light sigh, nodding. “Thank you for telling me. I’m not sure if my forgiveness will ever be given to you, but I accept your words as true. If anything like this happens again, I will not be as calm as I am now.” Your tone is sure. “Do you understand, Wooyoung?”

His eyes widen as he nods quickly. Yeosang does not say anything and you do not expect him to, playing with his fingers. “We’ve known each other for over a decade, friend,” he whispers, eyes glued to the floor. “You are one of my closest friends, and despite this situation it will not change between us. I have accepted you as you are now without hesitance. I do not appreciate you hurting Rose this way, using my voice to attempt manipulation. I know your words are filled with sorrow, Woo, I know that better than anyone. Please do not… do not make me no longer trust you. Do not make me do that.”

“I won’t,” Wooyoung says, reaching over. His hand touches his. You look between them, their fingers curling into each other’s. Yeosang looks up at him, an indiscernible look in his eyes, Wooyoung matching him. “I won’t do it again.”

“Okay,” Yeosang breaths, closing his eyes briefly. “I plan on resting with Rose tonight if she so wishes, so do not wait for me if I do not come promptly.” His eyes move to yours. You nod, a smile on your lips. Your escape is only paused momentarily.

-

The time between then and now, Yeosang’s arms wrapped around you, Wooyoung on the opposite side of his. You in fact, never expected to be entrapped in their embrace, still angry at Wooyoung’s actions. Though you do not forgive him just yet, letting him rest in his room alone is never what you wanted. You could see from his eyes that he yearned to stay the night. So you suggested it and he agreed quickly, tucking himself beneath the blankets. You only laughed. And now here you are, the sun bright against your skin, staring at the open door. Mingi stands there, waving to you as he glances at the two men in your bed. You attempt to move, only pulled closer into Yeosang’s chest.

“Will we stay here for the remainder of the morning sun?” You whisper to him. His breath tickles your neck as he laughs. “You will have me until the end of time if you would like, Yeosang. But I must go.”

His laugh stops. The two of you have not discussed further your revelation, the double-meaning behind your words only making you nervous.

“Please do not leave,” he whispers. That seems to catch the attention of the other men in the room, Wooyoung stirring just behind him. Mingi’s brows furrows, glancing between you and him. “We can work this out-”

“This is not a public discussion.”

“Are you leaving?” Mingi asks. “You told me only nights ago-”

“For fuck’s sake,” You huff, pulling yourself from Yeosang’s arms. “Yes, I am leaving, okay? And I am sure this conversation will not remain between us all, so now I have to leave quickly.”

“What must we do to convince you?” Wooyoung asks, quickly standing up from his resting place. His hair is wild and silly, and if it were not for the circumstances you would laugh at it. But you can only shake your head, reaching down to grab your satchel. “The waves are too high, Peach. You may die before escaping-”

“Do not try to convince me; you will fail just as I have failed to convince all of you. Leave it be. Nothing will change my mind.”

“What will you do? Run to your brother? He is no longer in that city, Rose. He has left with his friends. It is a very small chance you will find him.”

You turn to Mingi, glaring. “I do not care.”

“Will you stay for Yeosang?” Wooyoung asks. “Is that enough?”

“If he so wanted, he could come with me.”

Yeosang’s eyes widened, “You would let me go with you? I- they are my family, Rose. I would not leave, even if I so desired.”

“And I know that,” you say softly. “I never suggested it because I know you would not leave them to come with me. And that is okay.”

“Why do you care for him and not for us?” Wooyoung’s voice rises in volume. “You told Jongho you loved us all. You said that, and yet here you are with him. What is the difference? What makes him different in comparison, Rose? Why can you not love us as you do him?”

You’ve avoided, moved around the truth. “I cannot love people who are dead, Wooyoung.”

He stills. Mingi, who has not spoken for a while, breaks the silence. “Because we have turned into this, you will no longer love us?”

“As I have told Yunho,” you say, turning back to him. “Everyone that I have loved is dead. The only person I have left is Yeosang. You cannot fault me for favoring him at this very moment.”

“We are standing right in front of you, speaking to you, and you dare say we are dead? I have never felt more alive, Rose. We are evolved, we are something else entirely.”

You shake your head, “You are not alive, and we all know that. You died that night Hongjoong stabbed you in your neck, Mingi.”

“Then what?” he swallows. “You no longer love us.”

“I love who you were. Not who you are now.”

Wooyoung laughs loudly, startling you. “Is that so? You no longer love us because of a change overnight? Is that it? You will not even attempt to try and move past it, is that it?” His eyes flick to Yeosang. “I have accepted my friend’s decision to stay as a human because I love him. I will not want him to do anything he does not want. I accepted that I will not have my best friend by my side for eternity. I planned on… convincing him sooner or later. But your words are strange to me, Rose,” Wooyoung moves closer to Yeosang. He rests his hand on his shoulder. “I wonder if your feelings will change as suddenly as they have for us if he turned right now.”

Yeosang tenses up. He attempts to move but Wooyoung tightens his hold. “I cannot live without my best friend, Yeosang. And Rose says she will no longer love you if you were anything other than human. Shall we test that?”

“Wooyoung.”

He holds his hand against the edge of the dresser, dragging it across harshly. His wrist begins to bleed as he presses it against Yeosang’s mouth, forcing the blood into his mouth. He gags against his hold, desperately trying to get him to stop. Tears roll down his cheeks, eyes flicking to yours.

"Stop!" You push against Mingi's hold, but it's of no use. Wooyoung grips Yeosang's body, forcing his wrist against his mouth. Crazed eyes hold him close, fingers almost piercing Yeosang's shoulder with how elated he is.

“This is all for you, Rose. We will test that will of yours.”

You cry, falling to your knees, unable to do anything. Mingi continues his whispering of comforting words to help you calm, but you only feel your heart breaking. The one man who wanted to stay by your side, the only one who understands what a curse this is–

Wooyoung lifts your knife you left on your shelf, stabbing it into his chest. The stress in your body overwhelms you, body shaking as you lose consciousness.

-

Yeosang has not opened his door since that morning.

It’s been several weeks, and you have not seen him at all. The need to leave has significantly decreased into nothing. Your brother is long gone, and your Yeosang is no longer human. And despite how cold you’ve treated the rest, he’s never wanted this. He begged against Wooyoung’s hold, begging for him to stop. But the two of you trusted him too easily, and thought of him as the old Wooyoung. It is your fault for letting him stay that night. None of this would have happened. If you let him leave, you would be gone. Perhaps Yeosang would have joined you. But now you’re too afraid to leave him here alone, and too scared to attempt to leave yourself.

It was either Mingi or Wooyoung who told the rest of your plan. After that, none of them left you alone for more than a few seconds. Even while you were cleaning yourself off, you opened the door to one of them waiting for you. Joining the crew now feels more like you’re restrained against your will to stay on the ship. And the one piece of calamity, humanity that you had left is no longer human. And you cannot see him even if you desire it. Which you do, desperately.

“He will come around to open his door for you, Rose,” Jongho says as he watches you eat, nursing a glass of blood. You still have not gotten used to the metallic smell surrounding you. Sometimes they left the ship while it was docked, stumbling back on with glass jars filled with blood. One night you heard screams on board and you could not fall asleep, knowing that just a few doors down they were killing a human. All of the men you love turning into these… creatures. Even Seonghwa, the gentle, calm Seonghwa you could not await to see, scares you a bit. You were never afraid of him, even as a jiāngshī. Now you cannot help but jump when you do not hear his silent steps. Meet his red eyes.

“Has he fed?” You ask softly.

“... It was very little. The jars we bring onboard are for him. Wooyoung keeps him company, even if he does not like it.”

“What will happen to me, Jongho?”

“What do you mean?”

“Will one of you come to me, force your blood down my throat so that I become one of you? Is that what I am to look forward to?”

He shakes his head, “No-”

“Do not sit here and tell me that you will never, that none of them will never when I clearly know that it would happen. I have witnessed it in front of me. If Wooyoung turned his best friend of years into a jiāngshī there is little hope for me. Months are miniscule in comparison,” You rub your face, dropping your spoon into the bowl. “Why will you not let me go?”

“We want you to love us,” he says, placing his glass on the side. “You have grown to love us as thieves, why can you not love us as jiāngshī? It is not like we've not killed before. This should be more reasonable. We are only doing it now to live. Is that not better in your eyes?”

Oh, they all have lost their minds. “Do you hear yourself?”

“It is not unreasonable, Rose. We killed and murdered countless times prior, even if you did not want to see it. We were never good men, and I am sorry that upsets you but nothing has changed except that we are now above being a human.”

“Hongjoong is cursed, Jongho!” You stand. “He died a horrible death and turned into this monster because of his wrongdoings, and now he has dragged the rest of you along with him! How can you not see this?” You hold your face in your hands, dragging your palms along it. “You are mad. You all are mad and of no sound mind, and I will not be a part of your delusions. I will not succumb to your madness. I will have none of it.”

You turn to leave and he stands. You stop, turning back around. “You will not follow me.”

He sighs, “You know that I do not have a choice in the matter.”

“Then finally make one, Jongho, instead of following your captain with your tail between your legs.” You leave him alone in the dining hall, stomping up the steps. You see a few of the men out and about, working on their duties on the ship. You pay none of them any mind, ignoring how the rain coats your skin, a shiver running down your spine.

Giving up on leaving does not mean you will tolerate their words.

"We will do everything we must to make her stay alive, long enough to turn her."

You stop in your tracks, turning to the Captain’s door. Several of them stand inside, none of them noticing you just a few steps away. You swing the door open fully, all of their eyes meeting yours. Curious, red eyes. You stand at the doorway, pointing your finger in the direction of the captain. "You are… saying these things about me. And for all of you to listen? I cannot comprehend exactly what your thought process is, but I will not be forced into something that I do not want."

"It's for your own good, my Rose," Hongjoong says simply. "You will learn to enjoy it."

"I will never enjoy drinking your blood, a human’s blood. You…" You clench your fist. "You will have to tie me down before I'd agree."

Hongjoong stares. You've never been able to read his expression, often clouded by the permanent smirk on his lips. But this time, it slowly molds into a sneer, eyes glowing. "If I must."

The others don't say a word. Not even Yeosang, his jaw clenched as he stares at the floorboards. Fear courses through you. What were you thinking? Barging in has only sped up the process of them turning you against your will. You could have held out longer, could have escaped and locked yourself away to die. Instead, you're faced with seven jiāngshī and their master pulling the strings. Waiting to tie you along with them.

You turn on your heel and run, stumbling slightly at your swift turn. You hear nothing behind you. You take a curious glance back, absolutely stopping completely in fear. Just steps away are the others, jumping over barrels and other obstacles to get to you. Panic courses through your body as you maneuver around objects in your way, jumping over the railing to the floor below. Pain hits your body in just that instant but you push through, throwing yourself into your room door and locking it behind you. You lift your slacks.

The shape of your ankle is twisted in an awkward position, tears rolling down your cheeks from the immense pain. Knocks on your door only make your fear worsen.

"We can break it down, Rose. All of this is unnecessary."

"I will not be put into a position that I do not want," you say back to San, rubbing your ankle. Your teeth dig into your lip as you hiss, head throbbing. "You all can fuck yourselves."

"Don't speak to me that way." You can hear how his voice cracks, but you don't care. Not now. Not when your life's on the line. You glance around the room, eyeing the small window to the deck. You're sure the others must be somewhere near where you are, but you have little options. You lift the latch, halfway through just as San opens the door. His stomps pick up but you've already slipped through, pain rushing through you as you grunt, slowly making your way to the opposite end of the ship. You hold your knife tight in your hand. The last thing you desire is killing any of them. But if it comes down to it, you would do what you must to stay alive. Your body hits the railing. Trying to steady yourself, you place pressure on your bad ankle and cry out, falling to your knees. Several footsteps make it closer and closer to you. You can feel your blood rushing to your ears, unable to control the fear.

"What have you done to yourself, my dear Rose?" Yunho whispers softly, taking a step to you. You shake your head, moving further into the railing. Just on the opposite side is the ocean, waves crashing against the sides. "Don't get too close, you might–"

"That is what I am planning on, my dear," you can't hide the sourness in your tone, a scowl on your lips. Your eyes shift to the next few men appearing just behind him. "Leave me alone, do not come near me."

"You expect us to move away when you're risking your life at this very moment?" Jongho asks, shaking his head. "We are not leaving you."

"Then I will leave you all," you slip a leg between the railings, panic immediately flashing in their eyes. "If I am to die, it will be on my terms."

"You would rather die than be with any of us?"

"I don't want this eternal life you speak of!" You shout over the rushing waters. "I want to live as a human. Why are you so desperate to force my hand? You all have changed. This decision you've made has changed you," your eyes shift to Hongjoong. Unlike the rest, he hangs back. Watching. Anticipating. An irritating grin on his lips. Almost eerie the way he smiles. "You've all become different iterations of that man. I do not enjoy it."

"I am still the same," Seonghwa says softly. "We are still the same, Rose."

"The Seonghwa I once knew would have not forced me to do something I did not desire. You would not have watched me die. Do you not remember how you felt when you found out Sejun killed me? You were heartbroken, distraught. How could you stand there and tell me nothing has changed?" You lean forward. "You scare me, Seonghwa."

His body crumbles, knees hitting the wooden floorboards. His body shakes as he takes in your words.

"We can remove the fear once you turn. You'll no longer feel it–"

"Do you not get it? I want to feel fear. I want these emotions. They are what make me human. Make me alive,” You look at Hongjoong. “It is not surprising that you are the way you are. If I knew you were a jiāngshī then, I would have never entered this ship."

A hand grips your arm just as you’re distracted, pulling you away from the railing. You scream, thrashing against Jongho’s hold as he holds you close. He looks at you with sadness. You notice blood coating his lips, glancing down at his hand. A deep, jagged cut shines in the light, the rain diluting how it looks. You kick and scream against him, crying as he holds you.

“Jongho, please don’t, please. I’ll listen, I’ll stay, please don’t turn me into it. Please Jongho-”

“I’m sorry Rose, it’ll be quick okay? Really quick, I will not let you suffer.” He pushes his hand against your mouth as you thrash, crying out. Your hands grip his arms, gagging as you accidentally swallow his blood. He pulls away, letting you fall to the wooden boards. You gag, coughing, desperate to get it out of your body. Realizing that you cannot, you try to stand, only for him to stand above you, holding the same silver knife that you just had in your hands. His eyes are wide. He is smiling.

Smiling as he stands over your body.

“It’ll be quick, Rose.” He brings it against your neck as you gasp, your screaming cut off. You feel it sink into your skin, gripping it tightly. Hongjoong moves around him, crouching next to you. His eyes flick over yours, ubiquitous glee radiating from his gaze. He leans down, pressing a soft kiss against your forehead as the pain consumes you. Just as you feel the brush of him, your eyes roll back, falling unconscious.

-

Cold.

That is all you feel as you sit in your room, ignoring the knocks, the calls. Eventually they all left you alone, letting your thoughts consume you. You can feel how the cold seeps into your skin, the hardness of your body, the strange blue tint of your skin. It is not that noticeable in the dark, but moreso in the light. As if you were ever illuminated by moonlight. You touch the bandage against your neck, the smell of your dried blood making your stomach growl. You felt faint at the smell, but now all you can think of is drinking it. Letting the taste coat your tongue, spread in your body. The craving is overwhelming, clouding your mind.

Your door opens. You could smell him before he entered the room. Smell.

“Rose-”

You shut your eyes. “The last person I want to see is you.”

You can smell the jar of blood in his hands, the glass doing nothing to mask it. Your nose flares, sinking yourself further into your bedsheets. “Leave.”

“You have to drink-”

"I thought I could live," you say through the fabric. "I thought that after my wretched and tiresome life, I'd finally live. That I'd finally found my family, and we could be happy just being in the presence of one another. I begged for happiness my whole life and just when I've gotten it, it's pulled from my grasp. And I'm not sure if any of you can understand how it feels to be abandoned your whole life and having a semblance of happiness chewed up and spat out in your face. Yeosang and I are suffering greatly, and all you can do is beg for me to enjoy being unable to live."

"You have all the time in the world to live. You've been given more time–"

"I did not want this, why can't you understand me? Why?" you suck in a breath, eyes burning. Jongho tries to take a step closer to you but you move further into your bed. "Leave me."

"Please–"

"Leave me Jongho, or you will never be able to lay eyes on me again." Your words are sure. You can see how he hesitates, fingers opening and closing as he tries to navigate his scattered thoughts. Only a moment later does he leave you be, shutting the door. Right when he does it you fall to the floor. Your body lets out a scream unlike anything you've ever felt. Body shaking, head throbbing. The burning of your throat does not subside, neither does the ache in your stomach. You feel starved. The door swings open moments later. You already know who it is, not bothering to meet his gaze. He pulls you into his arms, the tremble of his body matching yours.

"I am so terribly sorry, my love," Yeosang cradles you close to his body, just as cold as yours. "I am so sorry he pulled your choice away from you."

"I don't want this, Yeosang," you cry into his chest. "I want to be a human, I don't want this."

“I’m so so sorry,” he whispers. “I could not stop it even if I desired it. Wooyoung, since he has turned me, has control over me. He told me to stay while they dealt with you. I had no other choice,” he tries to sniffle but it only comes out as a dry cough. “I am so sorry they’ve done this to you.”

Yeosang stays with you, never asking you to drink blood once. You know that he already has - he told you explicitly - but he insists that he will not do it to you. You lift your head to meet his gaze, slightly startled at the sight. Though you should have expected to see the familiar tint shining back at you, it startles you. Yeosang’s gaze is only filled with sorrow. You’ve found out quickly that tears will not form no matter how much you want them too, matching his gaze.

He presses his forehead against yours, sighing softly. “They will come for you, and I cannot do anything about it.”

“What for?”

He does not explain further, but you already know. You grip his shirt between your fingers, thinking. “I will leave before they can.”

Yeosang left soon after that to tend to his duties. You press yourself further into the corner, ignoring how Mingi paced back and forth in your room. You feel the burn in your throat, the need for blood. You’ve ignored it successfully so far, but you can feel how it weighs on you. The longer you do not drink the more it hurts.

“How many times do I have to repeat myself?” He paces back and forth across from you, glancing at your figure. “If you just let me aid you, then—”

“I told you countless times, love,” Your breathing is ragged, chest rising and falling quickly. They’ve reiterated that there is no need for breathing since you’ve turned into this, but you cannot bother to care. “My mouth will not be filled with another’s blood. I refuse it.”

“Then you would rather die?” Mingi stops, brows furrowed. “You would rather end your life here than continue to spend it with us?”

“This form of mine is not natural. We as humans are to die a normal death, not stay forever. Hell is on Earth already, why would I want to linger longer? I have lost everything.”

“You still have us. Is that not enough?” Mingi steps closer to you, crouching on your side. Your senses are heightened now, the smell of blood lingering on his figure. If you look closely, you can see a bit of it still beneath his fingernails. “Are we not enough?”

“Don’t make me answer that,” your voice is barely above a whisper. His eyes; are they just the same as yours? If you do not die, will you have to wear darkened glasses your whole existence? Unable to meet the gaze of others in fear that they may torture you? “I was forced into this life. Do not expect me to enjoy it. I cannot even… I cannot even desire the taste of fruit anymore. The one indulgence I have given myself since my family perished. He has taken everything from me.”

“It was a mistake—”

“Do not lie to me,” you sit up, gaze down to him. Fear crosses his face as you meet his eyes. “He could not hide the pleasure in his eyes before he bit me. He took it upon himself to make the decision for me. You know that I did not want this, Mingi. So do not ask me to pretend. I won’t.”

“Then…” his voice is hush, hands reaching for yours. You let him have his time, his moment of vulnerability with you. He rests his head against your hands. Your Song Mingi was always a warm man, consistently testy about the temperature on the ship. But as your hand caressed his skin, all you felt was bitter cold. “What can I do?”

You close your eyes, leaning down to press your lips against his forehead. Chill.

“You can let me die. And you can tell him to never see me again.”

He shakes his head, “Yunho is coming. He will bring you to town for you to indulge. You will no longer suffer, Rose.” He smiles, lip quivering. “You will live.”

“I will not allow that,” you say sternly. Yunho steps inside just as you utter the words, Mingi looking back at him. Without any words, he moves around Mingi, pulling you from your bed. You scream and tug on him as he takes you from your room. You spot the eyes of the others watching him, hope in their eyes. You struggle against Yunho’s arms as he drags you from the ship, his strength overpowering yours with ease. Despite how deep your fingers dig into his flesh he does not let it stop him. Your bare feet drag against the wooden platform, splinters digging into your soles. Your best efforts are only mute with his determination.

“You will eat,” he says solemnly. “This would be easier if you would cooperate. It’s not as immoral as you make it seem.”

“I do not want to harm.”

He spins your body towards him, eyes darkened as they meet yours. “Everyone could die on this island and I would barely give it a second thought. Do you think I care about their lives? What harm you will do to them? Do you?”

His hands encase your wrists, glare seeping into your gaze. “I'd relish in this city burning before I watch you starve yourself because you’re too frightened to drink some blood, Rose. If I have to force your face into the concrete as I pour it down your throat, I will. By the end of this night you will be choking on it.”

“Hongjoong does not agree—”

Yunho laughs, eyes wild. “Whose idea do you think it was to bring you out here? If it was not me dragging you it would have been one of the others. Just accept it.” He throws you to the ground. You cough up dirt, crying as he drags you through the dark. The city is quiet. You cannot fathom how not one person leaves their home to hear the commotion, ignoring your screams.

“This is a thief’s city, Rose. They all hear you but they could not care less. It is just like a lullaby to them, another whisper in the night. Ah, here we go.” He stops at a small field. You look, seeing two parents at a bench, watching their daughter play in the sand. He smiles, glancing down at you. “Looks like we’ve found your dinner, Rose.”

You look at them speaking in low tones, laughing by themselves. You shake your head, cries emerging from you as you fight against him. It is hopeless in the end as he tosses you just in front of the bench. You cough against the sand, wiping your lips. The father looks startled, crouching down.

“Oh miss, are you alright?” His wife asks, handing you her handkerchief. You ignore it, your fingers digging into the sand. The pulsing of their hearts fill your ears, the thought of their blood on your tongue causing your mouth to go dry. You can hear their daughter giggling in the distance as they try to help you. Her fingers touch your skin, a small squeal escaping her lips. Thump.

“You’re so cold! How long have you been out here?” She asks, concern etched in her words. Thump.

“Please,” you beg, not daring to meet their eyes. “Run, please.”

“Here honey, have some tea,” She holds out her small bottle, gesturing for you to take it in your hands. Thump. You shake your head, unable to move from your spot. “It will be alright.”

The father yells, the familiar screams that you’ve heard for nights on end echoing in the dark. His wife turns to him just as you look up. Yunho has already torn out his neck, the wife yelling as she stands. Her cries should frighten you, push you away. But the smell of blood overwhelms your senses, filling every part of your head.

It is at that moment when you lose yourself.

"She's a child, Rose," Yunho’s grip on your forearm pulls you away from your bloodthirsty senses. Your eyes meet the young girl, her lip quivering as the two of you stand there. She's a child. She's probably not much older than you were when your parents died. You look at the carnage you left behind, the body parts scattered about. Was that her parents? You don't remember anything, you can barely remember feeding at all. Yunho pulls your focus away, dragging you back. "It's okay, we were all like this our first time."

Child. You were close to murdering a child. You can still hear her heartbeat in your ears, thumping rapidly as Yunho shuts the door to the ship. When did you arrive? How much time has passed? You fall to your knees, staring at the blood coating your hands.

"Did I kill her parents?"

"Rose…"

"Did I kill her fucking parents, Yunho?" You grip his slacks. Though he does not confirm it, you can see it from the look in his eyes. How he gazes at you with utter pity. "I ruined her."

"It was a mistake. We shouldn't have let you out this early–"

"I ruined her life. I couldn't control myself, and I orphaned her, Yunho," you crumble to the floor, body shaking. "I made her lose everything."

"Hey, hey, get out of your head–"

"I hurt her family, and I almost killed her. And I enjoyed it," you gasp, hands flying to cover your lips. "I enjoyed it, Yunho," your voice cracks, eyes shaking. He lifts you from the floor with ease, carrying you up the ladder. The carnage flashes in your head over and over, the scared look on her face only pulling you deeper into your thoughts. You jump at the sound of a door opening, Yunho placing you on the seat. A warm hand touches you, lifting your chin.

Your gaze meets his, his captain’s staring back at you. Blood stains his white linen shirt as he stares down at you, hat thrown to the ship floors. The others stand behind him, their attire covered with it as well. He looks at you with concern, but you’re gasping, hands shaking as you stare at them. Red. Red between the nails, dripping onto the wood below. Flashes of red over and over again in your head. Screams echoing just behind it.

“I killed them,” you say through sobs, body trembling. “They were screaming and I killed them, Joong.”

“Shh, it’s okay. Just take a breath Sea-”

“They were begging for their lives and I killed them!” You yell, desperately wiping your hands against the wooden boards. “I’m a killer. I’ve hurt innocent people. I won’t ever be forgiven. I cannot. I cannot be forgiven.” Your words begin to mix, thoughts taking over instead. You feel a cool hand touch your thigh and you jump back, turning to look at them.

Seonghwa looks down at you, wet streaks on his face. “You are not a murderer.”

“I can’t… I can’t…” you cry out, your hand covered in splinters with the way you’re dragging it across the wood. But it doesn’t hurt in the slightest, only frightening you more. “I’m a monster.”

“Dare you call yourself that? After everything we have done to make you this way? Everyone, leave,” Hongjoong’s brows furrow. “Do you know what I have done to make you come here?” Hongjoong grip is tight as he drags you around his desk. You do not utter a word in fear of agitating him. He lets go of your hand, swinging open the cabinet just behind his desk. What you presumed would be cartons of wine is instead, portraits. He waits patiently as you move closer, eyeing the photos he displays. Your eyes widen, noticing a particular man that looks oddly familiar. Staring longer, all of them do. The man who winked at you in the marketplace while you were with Jongho, every single man who previously spoke to you aboard this ship. Sejun rests there as well, along with other conquests of yours before arriving on the ship. You try moving back but Hongjoong blocks your path. He points to every single one, eyes wild as they meet yours.

“All of them tried to touch my treasure, some did,” he adds, a twitch in his lip. “But in the end they all perished. Some more so than others. Despite their sour appearance, all of them tasted quite pleasant. A shame that your mother walked in on me killing your father. She was just part of the aftermath.”

He lets go of your arm, and you fall to your knees. You can feel the pressure in your temples, the throbbing all consuming. Even as he speaks you can barely hear through the anger and sadness swimming through your body, chest tight enough to barely let you breathe. Hongjoong touches you and you haven’t the will to push him away, eyes meeting him. Odd how there is reputance in his irises, sadness as he meets yours. Mocking your own. You cannot speak even if you would like to, his fingers all too hot, all too burning against your cool skin.

“It’s okay,” he whispers against your temple. His arms slowly wrap around you, cradling your trembling body against his chest. He hums softly, his cheek pressed against your forehead. He begins to sing an eerily familiar tune. The same one your mother used to sing to you as a child when you were upset. It does anything but calm you, your body tensing as he continues to hum it. “Your mother used to love when I sang this to her Rose,” he starts. “She told me I had a beautiful voice. She loved me, you know. It is unfortunate that she disappeared that night. It was only luck that I found her at the market when you were a young woman, with another man. He had to die, do you see now, Rose? He took my treasure away from me. I am so glad you look just like her,” he holds his face against yours. “It is as if nothing has changed.”

You sob without tears, pushing against his chest. He only holds you tighter, your immortal strength nothing in comparison to his. “Stop-”

“She told me to stay away from you Rose, but how could I? You look just like her. And now you will stay like this until the end of time. I will cherish every moment I have with you,” he laughs, shaking his head. “I even killed Wooyoung’s brother once I found out what he did to you. I did this all for you.”

Wooyoung’s brother? “What are you saying?” You cough, “I never heard of his brother.”

“Oh, did he not tell you?” Hongjoong’s lips lift. “Your old lover, Sejun, Rose. He was Wooyoung’s hyung. His flesh and blood. He begged for me to not throw him off, but he hurt my Rose. Wooyoung is lucky that I merely threw him into the sea, and not tortured the man.”

The overload of information only makes you sink deeper into yourself. You’ve fallen in love with the man who killed your parents. Who was obsessed with your mother to the point where he let his feelings merge to you. Deluded himself into thinking that you were just another version of her. And now you find out that Sejun, the man who you’ve hated, was Wooyoung’s brother. How could you look at him in the eyes now, knowing this? Knowing that with your fast tongue, you’ve killed his family?

“Have you calmed down now, Rose?” he asks after a few minutes of silence. “If you’re okay, I’ll let you go back to your quarters. I know you’ve had a long night.”

You only nod, and he lets you go. Every muscle in your body wants to run away from him, but the fear of what he might do stops you from doing so. You slowly make your way to the door.

“And Rose?”

You turn to him. A grin is carved into his face. “Yes?”

“I love you.”

You swallow, nodding. You expect him to force you to say it back, but he only gives you his back, silently resting himself against his chair. You open the door and step out, the rain splattering against your cheek as you make your way across the deck. It scares you how you cannot feel the cold of the rain, the breeze hitting your skin with no shivers down your spine. There’s nothing you can do. If you run, Hongjoong will catch you. If you hide, he will find you. Your mother avoided him for several decades, but she was found, and she perished because of it. The only reason you were spared was because of your relation to her. You are sure Hongjoong would have drained you of blood just like your family. There is only one option left.

You will no longer be on this Earth anymore.

Your steps are slow as you descend down to your room, a creak echoing around the room. Your items are thrown about. The necklace your family gave you were of age, your father’s watch. Belongings from your old master’s house. Subin’s handwritten note tucked in between your pillow and mattress. You reach for it, finger dragging along his handwriting. You wanted to see him again, learn more about his upbringing, his life before this ship. It is unfortunate that you will never get the chance to.

If you could cry you would, but Jongho took that away from you. And even if he hadn’t, you are sure one of the others would have done so.

The knock on your door pulls you away from your sorrow briefly, eyes flicking to the newcomer. Seonghwa stands there, a strained smile on his lips when your eyes meet his.

“Are you alright, Rose? How about we drop that knife, hm?”

You look down at your hands, the silver flashing back at you. You don’t remember grabbing it, don’t remember covering it with the strange mixture Yeosang gave you days prior. You shake your head as you meet his eyes. “No.”

“Rose, we cannot make any hasty decisions-” He steps forward but stops once you press it against your chest, hand trembling. “Rose, please-”

“I cannot do this anymore, Seonghwa,” you bit your lip. “I want to cry and I cannot even shed tears if I wanted to. I can’t feel, Seonghwa. I cannot feel anything. I cannot even feel fear when I hold this against me. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I cannot.”

“Please,” he practically begs, falling to his knees. “I… I cannot lose you, Rose.”

“Do you know what he has done? Do you?”

Seonghwa says nothing. That is enough of an answer for you.

“I have been searching endlessly for the people who killed my family. And here I am, foolishly falling for the man who did it. Falling in love with the crew who knew what he did. And I am angry, I am more than angry. But if anything, I just feel pathetic for ever thinking that I found my new family. People that cared for me. It was all a lie. Just because Hongjoong wanted me so badly because he could not have my mother for himself.”

“If we can just talk about it-”

“I have done enough talking,” You press it harder against you, gasping. It pierces your skin with ease, Seonghwa immediately coming to your side. He tugs on your hands as you press it deeper. The blood you consumed earlier spills from the wound, staining your blouse.

“Rose!” He yells, tugging harshly. You cover his hand with your free one, embracing his panicked gaze. “Stop!”

“I would not have asked anyone else to be here with me when I die, Seonghwa. Please let me go.”

“No, no,” he begs, pulling again. You pull back, the knife immediately plunging into your heart. “No!”

tags: @revehosh @mrcarrots @belletiny @sansblkgirlfriend @hwadump @honeyedtalisman @atzcoke @glitterhongjoong @whatudowhennooneseesyou @marievllr-abg @arkive78 @dysftopia @kpopnightingale @wxnderingthoughts @jenniee-tm @hongshines @atinytease @multidreams-and-desires @yla-aira @wommypeaches @avantalem @youre-a-wallflower-charlie @toxicccred @xciiiomwliah @madelinelina @kirooz @a-tiny-teez @tenebrisirae @ageofjade @n0v4t33z @yoongiigolden @jonghoharibo @fl0r4f4wn @gh0stbish @kodsukein @vitrealislux @sarcasticsagittarius1998 @spiderrenjunfics @aeoliannie​ @tannie13 @leeknowsalot @xshansimsx @seojonneh @shingene @justconniez @mingi-banana @anushka-k @nightmarej1n @watamotee33 @dear-dreamie @the-ghostest-with-the-mostest @jaxavance @malyxsoulpersonal @az-con @charreddonuts @beautysirens @sunukissed @lixpixstix

TOO HOT TO HANDLE.

PART I

Felix x reader. (s)

Too Hot To Handle Masterlist

Synopsis: You and Felix become contestants in a reality dating show, Too Hot To Handle. (15,4k words)

Author's note: It's kind of experimental turning this into a fanfic but hope you enjoy it. Part II will be out next week x

Content warning: This is entirely a work of fiction and not affiliated with real Too Hot To Handle show.

YOU: I think physical appearance is not that important. It's all about confidence. [flips hair] I think all women should carry their self with confidence, stand tall, and always strive to be better. 

But when you look at me, I'm pretty much a smoke show [laughs] I'd date myself if I could [laughs]

My ideal type is someone with a distinct charm. I'd love to see a tattoo or two on a man and someone who knows how to keep it exciting, cause I get bored easily [blows kisses to the camera]

-

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

That's why you accept your cousin's offer in exchange for money that would save you from getting kicked out of your apartment and from dropping out of college.

She was in a desperate time too when she reached out to you as one of the contestants decided to drop out of the reality show she worked in as the casting director.

Guess desperate times reached out to each other.

But you, as a nobody with less than a hundred followers on Instagram and you believe half of them are bots, have no experience of being in front of the camera, doubting that you'll do well in it.

Other than that, you think reality shows are just a waste of time, they have no educational value but dumb people down.

But what option do you have? You're broke, jobless, and a week away from being homeless when the offer came.

"What's the reality show about again?" You ask your cousin, Sara.

She rolls her eyes at you, it's probably the umpteenth time you asked her about it again. "It's on the description."

It's on the pile of papers she gave you but you're too lazy to read that many pages written in small fonts with single spaces.

You have to bring it close to your face to read it.

A group of determined singles visit paradise to meet, mingle, and remain celibate for their chance to win $200,000.

"So..." you stop reading after seeing the amount of money you can win from it, "it's basically a dating show."

"Yes," she answers, "but... you will not be allowed to kiss or touch or have sex."

"Oh, thank God!" You let out a long sigh of relief.

Yes, you need the money but knowing that you don't have to do such things for a reality show makes you feel relieved. At least when one of your peers knows, you wouldn't have to be embarrassed about it. You can say you did it for the experience, but spare the part that you did it for quick money.

Another question pops into your head, "But then... how are we going to date each other if we're not allowed to kiss or touch and whatnot?" 

Sara smiles at you, "See? That's the catch!"

She gets all excited in a second, "you have to resist each other from going at it," she further explains as her eyes turn a little loopy.

"Oh, so they'll be sex in it?"

She chuckles, "Maybe yes. Maybe not. Who knows?"

That's a vague answer and you still don't get how she would make money from making a reality show but doubtfully giving people what they want.

It's not like you're in it to actually find someone to date. You agree to join because she promised you more money once the shooting is done.

You're going to stay at a gorgeous villa on an island with a few people and try not to be in each other's pants, which is not what you intend to do in the first place.

What's so hard about it anyway? 

-

Wow!

You might have missed the part that you have to be dressed in provocative swimwear and show as much skin as possible in the papers Sara gave you.

However, there's this one motto that always works to make you through the day.

Fake it till you make it and you have no other option but to fake it.

Your hair is styled into loose waves to make it look like you've been spending time at the beach and thankfully, you're allowed to do your own make-up. You put on a simple one, put a little blush on your cheek, and a layer of shiny gloss over your lips.

You changed into a two-piece bikini and look at yourself in the mirror.

Damn, you don't even have to fake it anymore. You look hot and you think that's why they still passed you as a contestant despite knowing that Sara is a relative of yours.

The first segment of the reality show is contestants entering the villa one by one, but in your case, you have to do it with another gorgeous girl.

"I'm Maeve," she introduced herself in a cute Irish accent.

You might or might have not just checked her out from head to toe before shaking her hand back to introduce yourself back.

You're taller than her but that's what makes her cute. She has that pretty dirty blonde hair and a nice smile, exuding a very positive vibe. You like her already.

The staff gives you the cue to start walking into the gravel path that leads to the villa while the cameras take you from every angle possible to capture your best features.

By best features, you mean your breasts and boobs, anything that possibly makes people think that's how a perfect body should be.

You are against female objectification but again, what other choice do you have? Giving up your principles just so you can live another day in this capitalist world.

Cheers welcoming both of you as the other contestants that have made their entrance before you, watching you step into the scene.

You can feel their eyes on you, either in envy or lust or things in between. You introduce yourself around with hugs and kisses, which is not how you usually introduce yourself.

Once they handed you a welcome drink which is a glass of warm champagne from being under the sun too long, it's when you see each one of them better.

Your confidence deflates in an instant because they're all way hotter and sexier than you. They look good in their bikinis and their hair is perfectly tousled like they rolled out of bed looking that gorgeous.

You're not just talking about the female contestants, the male too are incredibly stunning, their abs are on display since they're only wearing swimming trunks, their skins glowing under the sun.

You find yourself fanning your neck just from stealing glances at it.

"Hot, huh?" The other girl asks you, one with a perfect bone structure and full lips.

You lightly chuckle, "Everyone in here is hot," you carefully with what you said, aware that a mic is attached to your body.

"I know right?" She says with a flirty smile.

After a moment, you learn her name is Laura and she's the epitome of a hot girl. She has the perfect hair, perfect body, perfect nails, and even the way her hair parted is perfectly in the middle. Other than that, Laura, like other pretty girls, has it easy in her life, she's a social media influencer with 300k-something followers and said she's here for 'shit and giggles', her words, not yours.

A lot more male contestants enter the villa and everyone refills their champagne flutes as the temperature raises. You can't tell if it's because you're so close to the beach or there's just a lot of heat in here, or it could be that you're panicking inside and try not to show it.

Your cousin Sara is wrong about one thing.

There's not just one catch, they're all a catch and you can't do anything about them.

-

YOU: I feel like I'm in an ice cream shop and they have all of my favorite flavors. Vanilla, chocolate, salted caramels, cookies, and cream... [bites thumb] I just can't wait to have a scoop of each flavor [chuckles]

-

After the introduction and draining six bottles of champagne in the process, everyone is allowed to explore the place, get familiar with each other, and mingle.

Well, of course, you have to do your part, be flirty with them but you don't intend to go into that yet. Not when your confidence level is at its lowest that you can't even fake it anymore.

You sit by the lounge chair by the beach, enjoying the view of the beach while trying to ignore all the cameras filming you.

One of the cameramen suddenly got closer to get an angle when you notice that one of the male contestants is coming to the beach and you see no one else there but you.

Suddenly, you feel alarmed, immediately check your appearance, and got you wondering why that is your first reaction. This never happens in real life.

"Hi," he says, sitting on the other lounge chair next to you.

You raise yourself from the longue chair, supporting the back of your head with a cushion.

"Hi," you finally say back, trying to sound calm yet sultry like how Laura speaks.

You notice that he speaks in an accent that you can't quite decipher its origin, "may I know what accent is that?"

"It's French, but I do speak German as well," he says.

"And English," you point out.

He chuckles, "That too!"

"I learn that everyone has an exotic accent while I'm here with the most basic accent," you say and it surprises you how well you're doing at being an obnoxious reality show star.

He smiles, showing his perfectly good teeth, "Nah, I think you're cute."

And surprises yourself again at how receptive you are, smiling at his compliment. You laugh to yourself as you try to remember his name, everyone introduced themselves too quickly earlier and gave you no time to memorize them.

"I'm sorry. What's your name again?"

"Alex," he says, taking another step towards you as if he wasn't standing close enough.

Alex is super tall, super attractive, muscles in all the right places and you have never cared about such things in a man before. Alex has nice brown skin and soft curly hair, he's charming in a way that subtly grows in you.

"Well, Alex, how come you're so tall?" You playfully ask him, holding your champagne flute close to your face.

"I play basketball," he answers.

You click your tongue in awe and at the same time, feel afraid that Alex has raised your standards of men to a whole new level.

-

YOU: Alex is hot. Isn't that obvious? That French accent ooh... [whistles] and he plays basketball. He's like a tall glass of water and I'm super thirsty.

-

He's hot, he's tall, he speaks three languages, and he also plays sports. What else can he do? You wonder...

"What about you?" He asks.

You think for a moment, "Well, I only speak English," you answer with giggles.

He leans forward and puts his elbows on his knees, looking at you with an intense stare.

"I can speak cat language too if that counts," you add.

He raises an eyebrow at you, "So you're a cat person, huh?"

"Yes, I am."

"I see..." he says, looking at you with an even more intense stare, "you like to be spoiled, huh?"

You turn to lay on your side to show him the curve of your body and bite your lower lip as you bravely stare back at him, "who doesn't like to be spoiled?"

Alex licks his lip as you catch him glancing at your lips, he thought of kissing you for sure but has no idea what stops him.

"What animal person are you?" You ask as the conversation starts to dry up.

He props a hand under his chin, "Why don't you guess?"

You tap your lips with your index finger to subtly tease him, "A puma?" You wildly guess.

He laughs, "Why?"

"I got the impression that you're wild, can't be tamed," you say whatever it is crossed your head at that moment.

You don't think Alex would care anyway with what you're saying because all he can think about is whether he should kiss you or not.

"Am I right? Or am I not wrong?" You dare him by closing the gap a few inches short.

Yet he remains in his seat and you're getting bored of waiting already. You retreat from keeping this going and sit up on the longue chair.

"I think I have to start getting ready for the party," you excuse yourself.

You're not proud that you're back to being such a bitch who plays with men but gosh, something about this reality show that brings out the bad girl in you.

-

YOU: Perhaps it's too early for him to get his move on someone. I think he wants to keep his options open and that's what I'm doing as well, I want to get to know a few of them and see if I... uh can have some fun.

-

The males are already waiting at the beach for the party.

The females are taking longer time to get ready because there is so much to do, hair, make-up and even putting fake acrylic nails.

You have lived as a woman for twenty-three years but only realized now how exhausting it is to be one. Not that you don't like it but people oftentimes don't give women enough credit for it.

"Come here, you sexy!" One of the males says.

Wow. What a way to impress a woman!

Everyone is sitting on the benches set around a bonfire and drinking cocktails with umbrellas in them, sipping and talking, checking each other out in secret or not so secret

A player recognizes another player so there's no use for all contestants to play naive, pretending that they're just here to sit around bonfire and make friends.

Everyone knows that they're here to get wild and becomes famous by doing it on a reality show. Except you thought, you don't want to go that far.

"Icebreaker time!" Says the girl with brunette hair and rosy cheeks. You believe her name is Heidi.

"Each one of us will take turns to stand in the middle with a blindfold on and anyone can do anything to that person. In the end, they have to guess who did it," she explains but more like babbling around the words while seductively chuckling in between words.

You don't get what she's saying but try to learn the game by watching as she takes the first turn to set an example. Heidi is a total babe, it's impossible if no one wants to have a piece of her.

A male comes up to her and has a deep kiss that put everyone to shame. One look and you can tell that it's one hell of a kiss. You sip the drink you've been holding in your hand.

Your heart is drumming the closer it gets to your turn, afraid that someone does things with you but it would be more embarrassing if no one does things with you.

So far, everyone at least has a kiss or a smooch, Laura even lets a guy touch her ample bosoms. You haven't made a move yet and it's kind of a requirement that you show your wild side because that's the idea of the show.

It's Jamie or that's what you remember his name is. He's taking his turn and putting a blindfold on, he looks gorgeous wearing a white shirt and short pants.

Jamie has glowing tan skin and six-pack abs, his hair must have skipped months of a haircut but rocking it all right. He keeps brushing his hair to the back, knowing that it looks better when it's messy.

You take a glance at everyone and none of them seem to make a move on him, impulsively, you get up from the stool and come up to him.

It's when you stand in front of him you have no idea what to do with him or more like, you have tons of ideas of what you want to do but can't choose one.

Everyone else is watching from their seats in anticipation, you shut down your brain from thinking and just go with it. You stand on your tiptoe and kiss him on the neck, covering your lips once you're done to not give him any clue that it's you who kissed him.

You run back to your seat and see what his reaction is once he takes his blindfold off. Next, Jamie has to guess who is it and to avoid looking suspicious, you calmly sip your drink and watch him guess who did it.

After taking too much time observing, he gives up, "I don't know. But whoever it is, I kind of want more," he says.

You try to remain calm and take another sip, looking anywhere but not in his direction.

It's finally your turn, your heart is beating faster and you wonder if the audio guy can hear it too with the mic resting around your neck.

Taking a quiet deep breath, you tie the blindfold over your eyes and around your head. You can only hope for the best now and block every insecurity that tries to reside in your head.

"Ooh..." everyone coos in unison and that only means someone is coming or about to do things to you.

Nervous, you clench and unclench your fists to calm yourself. Then a pair of hands gently cup your face and tilts your head upward.

Not ready for it, this mysterious person kisses your open mouth and proceeds to kiss you more, using his tongue in the most pleasurable way to taste you.

Damn! He's a good kisser and you reflexively respond to his kisses with your hands holding theirs. For a split second, you forget that you're in the middle of shooting a reality show and everyone is going to watch it.

You gasp the second they let go and have you fixing your lipstick because there's no way that phenomenal kiss not smudging it.

"Whoa. Can barely think after that kiss," you shamelessly tell everyone as you act drunk as you walk back to your seat.

Sipping your drink, you secretly assess everyone and try to guess which one of them kissed you. They're all hot anyway, it's not a loss to kiss one of them and you didn't know why you were fussing about it earlier.

Since Laura is taking the last turn and everyone seems to be whipped by her, you can see that all the male contestants anticipated this. You bet they're lining up to get a kiss from her.

It takes only a few seconds for anyone to make a move, the first one to have it is Daniel with half of his body covered in tattoos. He has a lean body and that bad boy attitude, he confidently strides to kiss Laura on the lips, so hard that she gasps in surprise.

You find yourself clapping at two people doing lewd things in front of a group of people. When you think Daniel is the only one succeeding in having a piece of Laura, another one takes his turn.

You almost scoff seeing Alex holds her by the neck and kisses her so deeply. Instant turn off, all those charms he has seems to be wiped off your head in a second.

-

YOU: Well, now we all know why Alex didn't kiss me [laughs] He likes someone else and that's good, I'll stop chasing him from here [sucks air through teeth] and on to the next one! [Raises hand triumphantly]

-

Moving on to the next segment, you prepare yourself for your act.

Sara is nice enough to let you know what the show is really about. When you ask everyone else, they believe that they're on a dating show and are here for partying and having fun and such.

Well, until... the cone-shaped talking pops out of its hiding and stops the party and the fun altogether.

"Hi, I'm Lana, and welcome to Too Hot Too Handle!"

Everyone stops talking and turns serious while deep inside you will find pleasure from their pain.

"You have been specially selected because you are all choosing meaningless sex over genuine relationships."

"That's true, though!" One of the males says and the other chuckles along.

"The purpose of this retreat is to help you gain deeper emotional connections in your personal relationships."

Daniel seems to be taking the news badly, "I'm not here for that!" He comments.

"As always, there are conditions to your stay here. You must abstain from sexual practices for the entirety of your stay."

Everyone is groaning in frustration, covering their eyes as if not having sex will make them die.

"No kissing. No heavy petting. And no sex of any kind."

More groans are spilling out of everyone's mouth.

"This also applies to self-gratification."

Wait! You didn't know that you'll not be allowed to touch yourself. Your body and you can't do anything about it.

-

YOU: The second I saw Lana, I know it's bad. But I didn't know it's that bad. Can't even touch myself? What?

-

"However, to aid your development, I've increased the prize fund to $200.000."

That one gets everyone hyped and jumping in excitement, including you. Thinking of that much money, you can shrug all your financial problems away. 

"Each time the rules are broken, money will be deducted from the prize fund."

But this one gets you down immediately, there's a possibility that no money will be left with all these horny people locked in a villa together.

"Everyone, welcome to the retreat!"

"Ugh!"

-

YOU: Everyone is pissed off, including me. But you know, something about being told not to do something only makes me want to do it [bites lip]

-

No, you're not pissed off about it. Sex is something you can easily avoid doing, you just need to keep it in your pants and that's what you're going to do.

You want the prize so much and want to put your focus solely on that.

"How do you feel, babe?" Maeve asks while putting her wavy hair into a messy bun.

You're cleaning up your make-up with her with Heidi in the room, "I'm super bummed!" You lie.

"I'm here to have fun so... I'll continue to do that," Heidi eggs on the conversation.

Maeve nods in agreement, "Right!"

Going to the bedroom, you see the next struggle and that is choosing your bed. A few of them have chosen partners to share the bed with. You don't want to choose yet so you nudge Maeve's elbow, "Want to share a bed?"

She smiles at you, "I thought you'd never ask," she answers.

Everyone else is on the bed and you look around, catching someone staring at you from across your bed. It's Jamie.

"It's you," he points at you.

You raise an eyebrow at him and mouthed, "What?"

He turns his head to the side and shows his neck, "the kiss."

Instead of answering, you slump down the bed and giggle behind the duvet. You bet he can tell from the color of the lipstick mark.

However, from all the males you see, you can't guess yet which one of them kissed you. Alex can't be it, he's sharing the bed with Laura and looking comfortable there.

That leaves Jamie, Daniel, Cole, and Felix. It could be Jamie but...

"Goodnight, babe!" Maeve says as the lights are turned off for the night.

"Night, beautiful!" You greet back and you silently thank her for stopping you to think about boys when you should be thinking about the money.

Eyes on the prize.

-

The first day and you wake up feeling so disoriented. It's the timezone, the weather, and the blinding sun that greets you the moment you get out of the bedroom.

They provide swimwear in the closet for everyone to wear besides your own clothes. You pick a pair and put on your make-up after with Laura and Alex, not sure if either of them is trying to make you jealous.

It's the first day of the rules applied and you already need to remind yourself of the prize fund.

"Who do you like?" You curiously ask Maeve as you're in the pool together with Jamie.

"I like Felix," She answers without a beat.

It's an obvious answer. If this show has two main characters they would be Laura and Felix. The males go for Laura and the females for Felix. You haven't had time to speak to Felix in person then again, everyone in here is attractive. 

"I think he's just so hot and cute," Maeve adds.

Jamie splashes her with water, "you're blushing!"

Maeve giggles and splashes water back at him, "what about you? What is your type?"

You didn't expect she'll turn the table at you and that you're like a rabbit about to get hit by a car.

"Come on, you can say it. Brunette with a British accent, nice smile, nice hair," Jamie playfully says with a grin at you.

Maeve chuckles then comments, "I think you two look cute together!"

-

YOU: I think Jamie is cute, he's a goofball. We share a vibe and he always smells so good [laughs] I can't say anything yet but yeah, let's see.

-

There are five males and five females, everyone can pair up and be a couple but things don't work out that way. There are so many things to consider like chemistry and connection, etcetera. However, you believe everyone is just waiting for someone to break the rules to go further.

That seems to be plausible with Lana throwing a party tonight.

"We're matching!" Jamie says.

You chuckle seeing that the only matching thing you have with him is the color of the pants you're wearing.

"You look beautiful," he compliments.

You tease him by jutting your ass at him and looking over your shoulder while batting your eyes at him, "Thank you!"

Doesn't want to be tempted, he turns your body around and puts his arm around you to lounging outside. You bet that he will use the opportunity to tell you about his intention.

You haven't been in relationships for so long that you forget how nerve-wracking it is.

"Cheers!"

"Cheers!" You clink your glass with him before taking a sip.

The sky is so pretty and clear tonight that you can see the stars like pinpricks on the night sky. The breeze is warm and salty, it's not good for your hair, you spent almost an hour straightening your hair and it's ruined in ten minutes.

"So do you have anyone you like?" Jamie asks.

You put your glass away and shake your head, "Nah, not yet."

He stares deeply into your eyes, "well, I like you," he suddenly admits.

"Like it isn't obvious," you jokingly say.

He laughs and licks his lips which makes you glance at his lips, it's round and full, glistening wet. You look away before it gets too creepy.

"You're gorgeous and easygoing and so fun to be around," he starts by complimenting you.

You don't know how he can have that conclusion when you only know each other for one day, you go along with him and nod, "Yeah, I agree."

He shifts on the seat and leans in close, putting his arm on the back of your head, "You're the first that caught my eyes when I came."

It's hard to know if Jamie said that in all honesty or to merely impress you. You saw how Alex jumped from one girl to another in a span of a few hours so you can't just trust his words.

Remember that they're all here for a reason, they're horny and emotionally unavailable. Sadly, that's what your types are for the last few months.

"I was hoping you'd compliment me more," you joke.

He throws his head back as he cracks a laugh, "I think it's your time to compliment me back."

You fold your legs on the sofa and put a cushion on your lap to play with the lint to keep your brain stimulated, to prevent you from zoning out midway.

You look at him as he looks back at you with hopeful eyes, "I think you're absolutely fit, you have a nice smile and are tall enough—"

"Tall enough?" He asks, a little offended.

You chuckle at his reaction, "In the best way. I hate when a guy is too tall," you explain.

"Okay, continue..." he allows.

"And you always smell so good," you lean in to take a whiff of his perfume.

"Good, yeah?"

"Tell me the perfume you're wearing," you playfully ask.

He shakes his head, "Not when there's the chance to make you take a whiff of it from me."

Jamie places his hand on your knee and the gust of wind makes his hair tousled and makes him look double attractive. His light brown eyes pierce right through you with the gaze he locked you in.

"What is there not to like about you?" You conclude.

He props a hand to support his head as he looks down at you, "what do you think about us?"

To be honest, it's too early to say something about this relationship. Not only that you barely know him, you don't have the intention to have a relationship at all.

"There's something there but I don't know, not sure about it yet," you honestly answer.

The hand on your knee moves up to your thigh now. Damn! Jamie is smooth.

"Maybe once I get to know you better, I'd know," you hurriedly add before he gets the wrong idea.

The next thing you know, you get yourself in a pickle as you find him leaning closer to you and his hand that was on your thigh, now resting on your waist.

"Maybe if we kissed, we'd know each other better," his eyes are centered on your lips.

"You want to kiss?" You lower your voice, afraid that there are other people around you.

Jamie leans in closer until his nose meets yours, "So bad," he answers.

Is it why he smells so good? That his perfume isn't just perfume, but it's also pheromones? You hold his chin, unable to choose whether to turn him away or bring him close, finding it hard to resist him.

-

YOU: Jamie looking so good tonight. He's literally too hot to handle [dramatically rolls eyes]

-

Jamie leans in closer and an inch away from your lips when you put your hand on his lips, stopping him from kissing you.

"Stop!" You mewl at him.

Jamie looks a little taken aback, thinking that he can seal the deal tonight.

"I want to kiss you," you tell him with your thumb brushes over his lips.

"But..." You cup his jaw and slowly speak to him so your explanation is not lost in the middle, "I don't want us to be the first to rule break."

If you were out there in the wild, you'd be all over each other by now. However, you think about the money, and spending money this early in the show isn't worth it, well, for you. Other than that, being the first to break the rules will only get you so much shit from everyone.

-

YOU: If we were outside, I would have ripped his clothes already by now [laughs] [facepalm] Lana, you should be proud of me.

-

Jamie sucks air through his teeth and laughs this off, maybe he feels a little rejected, you bruise his ego. Men are fragile like that.

"It's hard for me too," you sincerely tell him and throw your arms around him, consoling him with a hug.

"I'll just give you another kiss on the neck, okay?" you proceed to do it, placing a soft kiss on his neck right below his ear.

You hear him lowly groan with eyes closed, "That's not... uh, make it better."

He puts a hand around you, keeping you close next to him, "what about sharing a bed?"

You laugh at how relentless he is. Not only it means putting you at a bigger risk to break the rules but also, he's being haste about this.

"I'd like that," you answer, earning a grin from him.

"But not tonight," you hurriedly add.

His hand slides down your head to play with the end of your hair, twirling it around his fingers. 

"Why not?"

The player recognizes the player and Jamie is giving you the eyes right now. You look away and snug to his side, "I hump in my sleep and I think you'd like that too much."

He cracks a laugh with his hand drawing you closer to him, "More reason to share a bed!"

-

YOU: It's too early to share a bed with anyone. I still want to get to know the other and... [shrugs] keep my options open.

-

The party is far from over but you feel tired from socializing, and worse is, you can't escape them since you're sharing a house with them for the rest of the month.

You decide to excuse yourself, going to the make-up room and powdering your nose, then staying there to sip your drinks in silence.

There are nine other people to get footage from so you don't have to worry about making it interesting for people to watch.

"Hey, I've been looking for you!"

You turn on your seat to see Maeve entering the room, "what's up, babe?"

She drags the chair next to you, then sits on it. She checks her hair in the mirror and brushes the end with her fingers.

"I'm thinking of talking to Felix," she finally answers.

You sip your drink before talking, "And why are you here?"

Maeve laughs at your playful response, she leans back on her seat and sighs, "I don't know I'm so nervous to talk to him," she says.

That should be your question but you know that Maeve doesn't seek an answer from you, she needs some encouragements.

"You're gorgeous and fun, I think he'll like you," you tell her with a gentle squeeze on her shoulder.

She warmly smiles at you and checks herself again in the mirror.

"But if you intend to break the rules, I suggest you apply matte lipstick," you poke fun at her.

"I should do that," she searches for her make-up bag from the cluttering mess on the long vanity table.

After sending Maeve out of the door with another encouragement in a form of a cheeky slap to her butt, you bring your drink with you to the bedroom, feeling so ready to end the day already.

The first thing you see are two bodies going at it on the bed in the corner. You don't know why but you stay there standing in the doorway of the bedroom, watching them kissing on the bed.

After a minute of observation, you're positive it's Heidi and Daniel.

You hear someone coming from behind you, you hurriedly turn around to find Jamie there.

"Get me more drinks?" You immediately ask him, trying to sound natural.

"Sure, yeah, been looking for you," he says, more than eager to take you back to the party.

It's the only right thing to do. He doesn't care about the rules and if he knew that someone has broken the rules, he will be more relentless than he already is.

-

Thankfully, Lana doesn't announce any rulebreaking behaviors for today, the party ends on a good note and everyone has their happy ending, at least for today.

But for you, you're just happy to finally get on the bed.

As Maeve climbs onto the bed after you, you can't wait but ask her about how the talk went. 

"So, how's the talk?"

From the lack of her usual radiance on her face, you can tell that it didn't go well. You regret asking about it.

Maeve scoots closer to you on the bed and leans in, keeping her head turns away from Felix's bed.

"I talked to him and he was nice, said he finds me cute and funny," she keeps her voice low.

"Well, that's great!" You comment, a little louder than you intend to.

Maeve puts on a thin smile, "yeah so I asked him if he has eyes for someone," she says.

"Yeah and?"

"He said he likes someone," she answers.

You playfully bump her shoulder, "and it's you."

"Else," she finishes her words, "he likes someone else."

She rests her head on your shoulder and you put your arm around her, comforting her with gentle squeezes on her shoulder.

"Does this mean you're going to stop trying or...?"

"Not sure," she shortly replies.

"He said you're beautiful and funny, you should focus on that and work your way from there," you comfort her.

Men are not only stupid, they're all short-sighted, and that's why they like everything big. Maybe at first glance, Felix didn't see Maeve clearly and that's why you encourage her to try once again so he can take another good look at her because who knows?

-

The morning alarm is ringing.

They set a time to let everyone know when to start their day even though a few of us have woken up earlier. The lights are on and greeting each other, barefaced with eyes still sleepy.

Jamie jumps onto your bed and gets between you and Maeve on the bed.

"Good morning, girls!" His voice is muffled by the pillow underneath.

Maeve gently pats his back, "Cuddles only!" She reminds him.

He lifts his head and looks at you, "Not going to lie but I was about to kiss her until you said that," he tells Maeve.

Jamie looks so fine with a bare face and his bedhead looks extra fluffy when it's tousled.

-

YOU: Good morning! It's a good day, clear sky, nice weather with no chance of sex. [Snorts]

-

When everyone is called to the cabana, you know that it's judgment time.

You feel calm knowing that you successfully refrained from breaking rules but you know that everyone is not going to be pleased that a few people spent a few thousand dollars last night. Including you.

So far, you only knew about Heidi and Daniel but there's a big chance that other people break the rules too. It's a big place, you can't keep track of everyone.

This secret you've been keeping is getting too hard to bear yourself. The only person you can share it with is Maeve and you're positive that she didn't break any rules, not that you know of.

"I walked in on Heidi and Daniel kissing," you whisper to Maeve.

"My Gosh!" She lowly gasps.

The sound of Lana's cone-shaped head chiming and your heart leaps. You're not ready to lose money, not when you have your credit card bills spilling out of your mailbox as you speak.

"I regret to inform that there are several rule breaks."

Several? So that means there's more than one rule break? You're doomed, everyone is doomed.

"Everyone better be telling the truth right now!" Cole says as the resident's sex cop.

Everyone is looking at each other and a few are looking very suspicious right now. You bet that Laura and Daniel broke the rules from the way they avoid everyone's eyes.

Heidi raises her hand like she's in a classroom, "So..."

And everyone groans, knowing that they are about to hear a piece of bad news.

"Daniel and I, we kissed in the bedroom," she admits.

It's good that Heidi decides to come clean but it's a bit upsetting that Daniel just sits there like he didn't take part in it.

"But that was it. Just one kiss!" She assures everyone.

Welp, that's $3000 down the drain. However, Lana continues to press everyone to confess.

"Let's just get it over with, guys!" Cole adds with gritted teeth.

Can't hold it in yourself for long, you call them out by the names, "Laura? Alex? Have anything to say?" You ask with a piercing gaze.

"We uh... we kissed," Alex may have a buff body and the tallest of the bunch but he's bad at being honest like all men are.

"But it's because we're sure we have a connection. That's why we kissed," Laura is, of course, backing her man and ready to claw people with her super-long acrylic nails.

"I don't care what all of you are saying. We—"

"You kissed for how many times?" Cole cuts her off with the most important question of all.

There's a moment of silence and that means it's bad.

"Twice. On the bed and the beach," Laura answers with no apologetic expression whatsoever.

"That's so selfish!" Maeve exclaims next to you and lets out a big sigh after.

The worst is Lana is still here and asking if anyone wants to own up to their shit. You don't even want to count the most you've lost, it's a lot.

"You've got to be kidding!" Jamie groans from the end of the sofa.

Not only that the truth costs everyone money but serves the juiciest drama needed for TV broadcasts.

"Daniel kissed me," Aly finally confesses.

Everyone's eyes dart at Daniel, he kissed two girls yesterday and put them in a fight after this. Heidi looks furious sitting next to him.

"I'm pretty sure he kissed me first then he kissed Heidi," she adds, her eyes throwing daggers at Daniel.

"This is a mess!" You quietly comment and plant your face in your hands.

"These rule breaks have cost the group a total of $12.000," Lana announces.

You groan into your hand thinking that much money can cover a couple of months of your rent and here these fools spending them to satisfy their wild desire.

-

YOU: From now on, I'll be thinking of a Chanel handbag every time I get the urge to kiss someone because that's how much it costs.

-

"There are a total of four rule breaks in the last 24 hours and the fine on any further rule break will be doubled as of this moment," Lana announces another shocking news.

-

YOU: Great! A kiss equals two Chanel handbags now. [Hand against forehead]

-

It was one hell of a way to start the day.

Everyone's mood turns sour after that and Cole, being the sex cop he is, doesn't stop preaching to everyone to not break any rules.

What you fear the most with rules has been broken more than once now, it's allowed everyone else to take their turn and that includes Jamie.

It's only about time that he'll start demanding a kiss from you. Don't get fooled, men are just as insecure as women but they mask it well with their huge egos.

You try to avoid him and hang out with Maeve instead, chilling by the pool.

"I heard Irish people are a great drinking buddy," you want to distract yourself from the reality show you're in.

"I wouldn't call myself a 'buddy' but yeah, we're good drinkers," Maeve answers with her playful laughs.

You dip your fingers in the pool water and mindlessly splash it around.

"Come to Ireland and I'll show you a good time," she says.

You snort thinking that with the debt you have, you can't afford to travel out of the country right now but you can't pass on the invitation.

"Okay, I'll just go there with my winning prize," you jokingly say.

"Oh, yeah, totally," she responds with giggles but her eyes are nowhere in your direction.

Following her line of vision, she is watching Felix working out with Alex and Cole at the beach. You take it that she hesitates to make a move on him after knowing that he likes someone else.

"You're going to talk to him again right?"

Considering that the outside world is off-limits, leaving all of you with no choice but to interact with each other. This also means that Maeve will have to get a move on him or try not to be awkward with Felix walking around the house for the next three weeks.

"Who do you think it is?"

"The one he likes?" You guess.

She nods, glints of curiosity filled her eyes, "yeah."

"Certainly not you," you joke and break into laughter.

"Ouch!" She splashes water at you.

-

YOU: Maeve thinks a lot when she has nothing to worry about. She should just do it.

-

The house is huge even for ten people living in it but you can't keep avoiding Jamie.

After dressing up to hang out in the firepit, you sit next to Jamie at ease with the presence of other people there. But that doesn't stop him from touching you, putting his hand around you to play with your hair and whatnot.

"We should have kissed yesterday," he suddenly says.

You lowly chuckle, "When it was cheaper?"

The wind keeps blowing your way, sending your hair flying around and making it messy. Jamie attentively puts the stray hair away and tucks them behind your ears.

"Do you still want to break the rules?" You ask out of curiosity.

"If you want to," he answers.

He fixes the collar of his shirt and looks at you, "what about you?"

You crinkle your nose at him, conflicted. On one side, you want to kiss him and see if there's a spark between you and him but on the other side, it costs two Chanel handbags.

You rest your head on his shoulder, "I just don't think we should be selfish by spending money recklessly," you honestly answer.

"Yeah..." he agrees but the sigh he lets out at the end tells you otherwise.

-

YOU: Jamie sounds a little disappointed that I don't want to break the rules. I mean, don't hate the player, hate the game!

-

The make-up room is crowded with the girls cleansing their faces and doing their bedtime routine. You decide to take the last turn, lounging on Jamie's bed to make up for not sleeping with him tonight.

"Are you guys going to sleep together tonight?" Aly asks from the bed across the room.

Jamie turns his head with an eyebrow raised at you, asking you the same question.

"Yes, we are," you finally answer.

Jamie can't hide his triumphant smile and it looks adorable on him, you can't help but smile along.

-

YOU: I don't want to feel pressured to do it but I owe it to Jamie to at least try and see if this relationship is going somewhere.

-

It's understandable for them to be nosy, it's what the viewers need, a little drama, a little action but what they need are the juicy details.

Before anyone else gets nosy, you start getting ready for bed. Wipes clean your make-up and go to the bathroom to wash up, someone else is showering inside the stall.

It's a normal occurrence. Honestly, everyone else is just so calm about seeing each other's body at this point.

However, the glass wall is blurry so you don't have to worry about seeing someone's naked body inside. You head to the sink and mind your own business.

As you're brushing your teeth, the shower door opens and a hand reaches out for a towel hanging by the handle. In the mirror, you see Felix steps out of the shower and your eyes eventually meet through the reflection and you reflexively smile with a toothbrush tugged between your teeth.

"Hey," he greets.

It surprises you that the deep voice belongs to him, "Hi," you greet back.

He walks toward you and you scoot to the side knowing that he needs to use the sink.

"You don't mind, right?" He asks, taking his toothbrush out of his toiletry bag.

You shake your head, "not at all."

It's hard to not see his body when he stands close next to you. Everyone in here has a nice body but on the first impression, you see him as this thin and dainty guy.

Now, you've seen him up close, he has one of the best bodies in the house, his muscles are perfectly toned and it shows that he diligently worked on his body.

"How's your day?" He casually asks with the towel hanging low around his hips.

"Alright, I guess," you answer.

"You?" You ask back while washing your toothbrush under the running water.

He looks at you and smiles, "just got better, actually," he answers.

Felix is definitely flirting and you immediately fill your mouth with water before stupid things come out of it. You decide to quickly wrap it up before someone else enters the space even though you're doing nothing.

-

YOU: Felix and I are just talking. There's— [inhales] he's low-key flirting with me and I freaked out, there I said it.

-

Maeve is already on the bed when you enter the bedroom and so is Jamie with a space prepared on the bed for you.

It would be rude to say nothing to Maeve that you'll not be sleeping with her, so you come to her first.

"I'm sleeping with Jamie," you tell her.

She slyly grins at you, "Should I give you the sex talk?"

"No, thank you, mom!" You grab your pillow and walk to Jamie's bed still laughing.

Jamie's smile grows wider the closer you get to his bed, he opens his arms to welcome you.

"Come here, sweet thing!" He playfully says.

You hit him with your pillow before coming into his hug. As you settle on his bed, Felix walks past your bed and flashes you a smile, a little different from the one he gave you earlier.

You forget that he sleeps on the bed next to Jamie's and you don't know how it suddenly feels awkward to you.

"Be good, you two!" Cole warns with a piercing glare.

"Not going to break any rules. You can have my words," you assure him despite Jamie nuzzling his nose onto your shoulder as you speak.

-

YOU: At least, that's what I hope. Being in bed with Jamie and try not to break rules will certainly not going to be easy. Ugh!

-

Once the lights are out, Jamie spoons you from behind with his arms wrapped around you. Not going to lie but it feels nice to be with someone.

"You smell so good," he whispers into your ear.

You don't respond, afraid that it will only encourage him to do more.

"You're so soft," he says again with his hand splayed on your bare stomach.

"Night, Jamie," you put an end to the talk.

That doesn't stop his hand from cuddling you and nuzzling his nose in your neck.

"No goodnight kiss?" He asks.

You take his hand and kiss it as a substitute, earning a low laugh from him.

Jamie kisses you on the neck in return, "Night!"

-

YOU: It's getting a little hot in here [fanning your neck]

-

The first thing Cole does when he wakes up is ask everyone an important question.

"Did anyone break any rules last night?"

You shake your head because as much as it's been hard to refrain from touching Jamie, you didn't do anything but cuddle under the cover.

"I can promise you we've been good in here!" Jamie confidently states and puts his arm around you.

Aly as Maeve's new bedmate, points at Laura and Alex's bed, "I definitely heard noises coming from their bed," she snatches on them.

Alex may have a good poker face but you can't say the same with Laura, she's looking guilty but the kind that tells she's not sorry for doing it.

"You may as well spill the truth now," Daniel eggs in.

Laura nonchalantly shrugs as if she's not been acting selfishly when it's only about time that Lana announces how much money we've lost because of them.

-

YOU: I'm proud that Jamie and I managed to not break any rules last night. I hope that proves that we do have a real connection.

-

It's too late for you to walk out as Felix sees you coming into the bathroom.

You walk to the sink to grab your toiletry bag you forgot to take with you, "I can't believe our meet cute is in the bathroom," you say.

He laughs hearing your words while struggling to put sunblock on his back.

"Need help?"

He considers it for a moment then nods, "Yes!"

You take the tube of sunblock from him, pressing a big dollop of the cream on your hand and slowly lathering it on his honey skin. His skin is smooth and warm with muscles that make his back the perfect spot to lean on.

"So, you and Jamie, huh?" he suddenly asks, looking at you through the reflection in the mirror.

The question snaps you out of your daze. You're thankful that he can't see your face as you're busy making sure the sunblock is covering his back evenly.

"Yes," you shortly reply.

He hums while subtly nodding his head, "And what do you think?"

You play dumb but it's also because your hands wander to his lats and they're distracting, "of what?"

Felix leans forward with hands resting against the sink, "is it serious?"

You silently gulp air because his question only means that he has an interest in your relationship which also means that he has...

"We're still figuring each other out," you settle with a diplomatic answer for him.

You glide your hands back up to lather the sunblock down his shoulder blades.

"I see," he responds with a smile.

And not just a smile, a smile that tells he got the answer he wants.

You slide your hands down his arms and playfully squeeze his biceps, "there! Done!"

He takes the sunblock back from you and checks himself in the mirror, "thank you."

Felix raises his hands for a high-five with you, "Let's have a great day!"

You smile at him and return the high-five, "Let's do it!"

-

YOU: Maeve likes Felix and I'm obviously team hoes before bros. Always!

-

"Blue looks good on you!"

It's another day of Jamie's endeavors to kiss you, starting the conversation by complimenting your bikini. He joined you sunbathing by the pool in the afternoon, sharing a sun lounger.

"Thank you!" You reply with a smile with your eyes squinting under the bright sun.

His hand is squeezing your arm, "you got some muscles here," he says.

"I played volleyball in high school," you share.

Propping a hand under his head, he looks down at you, "I want to see you play volleyball."

You chuckle, "That was years ago. I forgot how to play."

"Must be looking sexy serving ball in tight shorts," he lowers his head into your neck.

You burst out laughing and slip your hand in his soft locks, "that sounds so wrong."

Not only that you're out in the open, it's rather dangerous with how close he is and his lips looking inviting as he plants it on your shoulder.

It's only right that you distract him by giving him a little taste but not too much, enough to make him crave more.

"Do it for me?" You ask with a bottle of sun spray in your head.

"I'd love to," he eagerly says.

Jamie sprays on parts of the body he wants to touch, all over your back as you lay on your stomach and down to your asscheek, excessively kneading on them.

You laugh at how he can't stop himself that you eventually have to turn over so he can continue, spraying your shoulders.

You take off the straps around your neck so he can spray your chest and sneaks his hand on the valley between your breasts.

"Yeah, get in there!" You playfully encourage him.

Jamie grins like a child who got caught taking a cookie out of the cookie jar. He then continues to spray on your abdomen and evenly rub them down your thighs next while glancing into your eyes once in a while.

To say that you don't enjoy teasing him would be a lie.

-

YOU: Jamie becomes more relentless by the day but am I wrong to not want to rule break? Isn't that the purpose of this retreat?

-

As the day turns to night, it's only about time until everyone got called to the cabana.

You feel sick listening to the sound of Lana's cone-shaped body chiming, especially with Laura and Alex acting so suspiciously.

Lana is a computer but she sounds not pleased as she greets everyone. Cut to the announcement, she informs that Laura and Alex did break the rules last night.

You glance at Cole who got speechless that he's just looking at Alex in disbelief.

"These rule breaks cost the group $18.000."

-

YOU: For three kisses? Really? Lana, please, be reasonable with the prices.

-

"That's not the only rule break they committed," Lana spills more truth.

This is what you fear the most, getting riled by the whole group for breaking the rules. Everyone looks at both Laura and Alex waiting for them to confess.

"I touched his willy under the cover," Laura confesses.

Everyone groans in unison.

You don't know how Laura is okay being so selfish and can keep a straight face, but that's probably why her make-up is super thick.

"This rule break costs the group a further $4.000."

"Why would you do that?" Maeve asks and she rarely gets this mad.

"It's not a big deal!" Laura nonchalantly responds.

"Yeah but not for $4.000!" Heidi snaps at her, as furious as everyone.

"Now the prize fund stands at $166.000."

-

YOU: I can use that money as a deposit for a house and here we are, spending it on kisses and a hand down a guy's trouser.

-

The night gets darker not only on the outside but inside the house as well.

Lana sends Laura and Alex to the suite to test if they're building a true connection but everyone is skeptical that they'll pass the test.

You sit on the bed with Jamie resting his head on your lap, brushing his hair to relax you now that you've lost a chunk of money.

"Alex is like the horniest people and Laura is the biggest teaser, it's a recipe for a disaster," Aly comments, lying on her stomach on the bed opposite yours.

"They will rule break once or twice at least," Jamie adds his opinion.

The night ends early but you see that Maeve and Felix haven't returned yet to their respective beds. You hope that things are going well with them.

You nuzzle your head into Jamie's chest and murmur, "We haven't broken any rules," you tell him.

"Yet," Jamie continues your words clasping your hand with his.

You look at him and smile as he looks back at you, "We've been good and I'm proud."

He foolishly smiles and opens his arms to invite you for a hug. You jump right into his embrace and those muscles on his body feel pillowy under you.

Jamie pulls the duvet to cover both of your bodies even though the lights aren't out yet. You squeal as he starts to glide his hands down your sides.

-

YOU: I appreciate Jamie for being so patient because I know, it was hard for me to not throw myself at him.

-

"We don't need another rule break tonight!"

Cole pulls the duvet down to reveal that the two of you are just tickling each other under the cover.

At the same time, Felix makes his way to his bed, seeing you straddling Jamie on the bed which sends you to get off of him immediately.

It's unclear why you do that but your eyes go straight to Maeve's bed, it's empty even when the lights are already out.

You nestle your head in Jamie's neck as he lightly touches up and down your arm and kisses your hand once in a while.

You plant a soft kiss on his neck and whisper, "Night."

He kisses you back on the head, "Goodnight!"

-

YOU: I start to believe that maybe Jamie and I do have a genuine connection [smiles]

-

Everyone is looking restless from the moment they woke up and looks in shambles once they gathered in the cabana, ready for that time of the day.

After a while, Laura and Alex are returning from the suite. You recognize the glow on Laura's face right away but you could be wrong.

God! You hope you're wrong and they didn't do anything selfish last night.

You're spacing out as Lana comes with her anxiety-inducing ping sounds and all you can think about is how much money Laura and Alex spent last night.

"They're looking suspicious," Aly whispers at you.

Indeed, they are, and looking very guilty as well. Everyone waits in anticipation as Lana takes her time to announce whether they pass the test or blow all the money in one night.

"I must tell the group that Laura and Alex did..."

You hold your breath for the worst outcome.

"Not..."

It's getting harder to breathe now.

"Break any rules!"

Everyone shoots up from their seats and congratulates the couple in turns. You got so far in life that you get to celebrate people for not having sex.

-

YOU: So they can keep it in their pants! I'm proud!

-

Lana has another announcement after everyone settled in from the celebration.

"To motivate everyone to grow genuine feelings of connection as opposed to lust, I've prepared gifts for all of you."

You take the box in front of you and open it to reveal a watch inside.

"When I observe two people forming genuine connections, they will be given a green light like this."

Everyone's watch chimes and turns green at the same time.

"While the lights are green, the rules do not apply for a limited amount of time."

Cole claps his hands together to get everyone's attention, "There's no more excuse for anyone to break any more rules!"

-

YOU: This [shows the watch] motivates me to build a connection with Jamie. Hope we get to be the first to get the green light.

-

After a very stressful morning that thankfully ends with a happy ending, you can have the room to breathe since the boys are out of the house to do a workshop at the beach.

The girls are hanging out in the bedroom and with the drama going on earlier, you forgot to ask Maeve why she went to bed late last night.

To get a little privacy, even though you can't get any with cameras placed in every crook and nook of the villa, you take her to the make-up room. You sit next to her while fixing your make-up in the mirror.

"Is everything okay?" You ask.

Maeve sits with both feet up on the chair and looks down at her nails, "not okay, honestly," she answers.

You stop looking at the mirror and turn your chair to face her, "why? What happened?"

Maeve hugs her folded legs and looks at you, a sad smile on her face.

"I just don't know what I'm doing here..."

You place your hand on her knee, "hey, don't say that!"

"I'm not making connections with anyone and I tried, but it's not working. I-I don't know why I'm here," she says with a heavy sigh at the end of the sentence.

It seems like things aren't going well between her and Felix, and Maeve is someone with low self-esteem, which makes her somewhat dejected that things didn't go well.

"You don't have to be a couple to make progress, you know," you comfort her and it's true, Cole is proof that he's fine not being in a pair and dedicates himself as an avid protector of the prize money instead.

"I'm not pretty. No one wants to be with me," she breaks into tears and buries her head in her hands.

You get up from the chair to hug her, "First of all, everyone here is pretty and it's not a beauty pageant, okay?" You comfort her while slightly bending down with your arms around her.

"It's not about look. It's about chemistry, attraction, and stuff," you awkwardly explain.

You have no talent in comforting someone but you try your best. After a moment, Maeve lifts her head and looks at you.

"No one is attracted to me," she says with her fingers carefully dabbing the corner of her eyes to avoid ruining her make-up.

You scoff and turn the chair to face her before sitting on it, "you are so beautiful, Maeve," you assure her with both hands holding hers.

Maeve puts down her feet and your clasped hands dropped onto her lap, "I know," she half-heartedly agrees.

"For you, I'll fly to Ireland and come see you, we'll get drunk and have so much fun," you cheer her up with nice thoughts while shaking her hands.

Maeve cracks a laugh and you can see that she starts to get hopeful again. She's a genuinely kind person which is not someone you expect to meet here, you think of her as a friend despite it happening because you both are in a reality show.

A crazy idea crosses your head, "you know what? We can be a couple and win the money," you tell her.

-

YOU: I'm bad at comforting people and the only thing I know how to comfort someone is through actions [slyly smiles]

-

She laughs at your wild suggestion that it takes her a while to reply to you, "I'd love that, yeah," she jokingly answers.

An even crazier idea crosses your head, "come here then," you tell her, pulling her close until your heads meet in the middle.

Maeve senses your intention but not doing anything to stop you, instead, she leans in first to kiss you.

You kiss her back as she softly brushes her lips on yours over and over again. She tastes so sweet and warm, she knows how to use her tongue and not overdo it, and overall, one hell of a good kisser.

You pull away first as the reality that someone might walk in on you dawns on you.

"Did we just break the rules?" Maeve asks while wiping her smeared lipstick.

"You'd better have a good poker face!" You warn her.

-

YOU: Goodness! Maeve is a good kisser and that kiss... I think that was the best $6.000 I ever spent. No regret at all.

-

The boys are back just in time for another party Lana is throwing tonight.

The theme is Saints and Sinners and there's a box of costumes for everyone to wear. You choose to be an angel with wings even though you've been behaving badly after breaking the rules earlier.

He sits you on his lap even though the sofa is spacy enough for another two persons but you feel safe since Alex and Laura are there, cuddling in the smaller sofa across from yours.

"So, what did you do in the workshop?" You ask Jamie.

He takes a deep breath and his chest heaving along with yours, "we learned how to be more open with our feelings."

You nod along and leer over at him, "And how did it go?"

Jamie rests his chin on your shoulder with a hand resting on your stomach, "Well, I'm never good at it but I think I did alright."

He doesn't sound so convincing but you appreciate the effort.

"You look beautiful, babe!" He compliments you along with a gentle squeeze on your thigh.

You're immune to sweet nothings like this but a compliment is a compliment. You smile and mutter, "Thank you!"

You slip your hand into the opening of his shirt, "I like your shirt," you compliment back with a seductive smile.

He sees your hand slide in further into his shirt, "should have let another button open."

Jamie keeps checking his watch hoping that the light turns green soon.

You doubt that a few compliments can do it and silently laugh at his fruitless effort. 

-

YOU: I'll always be physically attracted to Jamie but I don't know. I can't tell if I doubt myself or him, or us, entirely [clicks tongue]

-

The time for doom is here.

You exchange nervous glances with Maeve knowing what we've done would damage the numbers on the prize fund. You doubt that it's what Laura felt when she broke the rules because what you're feeling is a sense of guilt but that's solely because you behaved selfishly, not for the kiss.

"Hours after receiving the gifts of my watches, a couple of you decide to break the rules by kissing," Lana announces.

Everyone's eyes land on Alex and Laura since they're the regular rulebreakers. Just know that they'll be surprised once they found out who did it.

"You know the routine. Just spill it!" Cole sounded so done at this point.

You hate to break his trust but you don't feel bad for breaking the rules, not when you have a good intention. Your heart is pounding for how much shit you'll get either from admitting it or don't, you choose the former.

"It was me," you blurt out with a hand raised.

Jamie snaps his head at you, eyes wide filled with confusion because he knows for damn sure you didn't kiss him or vice versa.

"I'm not going to name names who I did it with and why," you quickly add and it's the only right thing to do, you don't want to force Maeve to speak out unless she wanted to.

"I'm sorry," you apologize.

Jamie looks even more confused but his eyes are scanning the guys one by one even though it isn't any of them you kissed.

"I'm sorry, Cole," you apologize to him personally since he's the one who gets sensitive the most about the money.

Maeve raises her hand and decides to admit it as well, "she did it with me."

They let out a collective gasp, laughter, and sneaky eyes going on after. Jamie squeezes your shoulder but not saying anything to you.

"Another $6.000 has gone from the prize fund, leaving the group with $160.000," Lana furtherly informs.

Funny that you didn't about the money at all when you kiss Maeve. Probably because you know that you intend to rebuild Maeve's confidence, so she's not giving up on herself and continues her journey here.

However, when it comes to Jamie, you're still not sure if you want to spend $6.000 on a kiss with him.

-

The rule break doesn't seem to leave that much impression on everyone.

Maybe because they give you a pass because it's your first time breaking the rule and the night ends in peace or that's what you thought.

You're chatting with Aly in the firepit to avoid the crowded make-up room when suddenly Felix comes behind you. You didn't notice until Aly sends you a signal with her eyes.

"Can I talk to you?" He asks.

Aly gets the hint and decides to leave, "I'll excuse myself then."

You've spent a couple of times alone with him even though they only last for a few minutes, but this time is different, no one is around except for the filming crew lurking in the bushes or somewhere you're not aware of.

The sofa could fit a couple of dozen people but Felix decides to sit next to you.

"Hi," he sweetly greets.

"Hi, how are you?" You ask with a smile.

His legs are spreading wide and he has gaping holes in his jeans, exposing bits of his thighs that you found are surprisingly muscular.

"I'm good," he answers, doing the classic move of putting his arm on the headrest of the sofa, "how about you?"

Your body somehow responds by putting your leg over the other and leaning towards him, "Never been better."

Felix gets quiet but his eyes are deeply looking into your eyes as if he found something fascinating in them. A while later, he clears his throat as he slightly slouched on the sofa, legs spreading wider, sending the holes in his jeans to stretch and expose more of his skin.

"During the workshop, we were taught to open up about our feelings and I–" He pauses to scratch his small nose and continues with an uneasy glance at you, "I know what I want and I want to do it. I know I'll regret it if I don't."

"Okay," you respond while nodding along and at times, getting distracted by the holes in his jeans.

"I know you're with Jamie and I don't mean to break things between the two of you but I feel like... I need you to know that I like you."

Felix talks without a beat and with the intense stare he's giving you, you gulp air feeling nervous but in an exciting kind of way.

"I like you," he says again.

Your heart starts to race because you can feel how much he meant all of his words.

-

YOU: Oh my God! The hottest man in this retreat likes me?!

-

"You don't have to do anything about it," he casually says as if he didn't just put you in a predicament since you're with Jamie.

Felix retracts his hand and accidentally or not, brushes his hand on your shoulder. He gives you the faintest of physical contact but enough to send a shiver down your spine.

Still speechless by his sudden confession, but you know you should have said something to him to avoid him getting the wrong idea.

"Thank you for letting me know," you begin.

"You're very welcome!" He excitedly responds with a wide grin.

"But let me know if you want to do anything about it," he adds with a playful grin.

Something about him makes you warm inside, you can feel your cheeks heating, flustered with his eyes never straying away from yours even for a second.

The night is late and the fireplace is laying low, swaying with the gentle breeze coming from the sea, Felix's lips suddenly look so inviting, enticing you like a forbidden apple.

This is dangerous. 

"Let's head inside," he says, thankfully being the one putting a brake on the imminent danger.

-

YOU: This is honestly what I seek with Jamie, that excitement, that sparks and it's a problem that I got it from someone else without any sort of physical contact whatsoever.

-

"So, Maeve, is she a good kisser?" Jamie asks as he sits with you on the bed.

Maeve sips water from her tumbler before answering, "The best!"

She takes another sip before talking again, "You're in for a treat, Jamie."

He glances at you with an impressed smile, "Too bad that I can't confirm that," he says.

That's his way to dig at you for what you did. You understand that he feels betrayed by what you did, you refuse to kiss him but easily kissed someone behind his back.

You put your hand across his chest and look at him, "Are you mad?"

"Nah," he coyly answers.

You bring your mouth close to his ear, "are you jealous?"

Jamie chuckles as your breath tickles his ear, "A bit, yeah."

You kiss his cheek and deliver your apology with a heartfelt whisper, "I'm sorry, baby."

-

YOU: I, of course, feel bad for not giving Jamie the heads up about the kiss I did with Maeve. He looks rather upset but I know I deserve it.

-

It's probably luck that follows you throughout the times you spent in the retreat.

Everyone forgot about your rulebreaking as Daniel decides to get a new bed partner. He used to sleep with Heidi but tonight, he decides to sleep with Aly.

You nudge Jamie who's sleeping with his head nuzzles in your neck to witness the drama happening in the room.

His mouth opens in surprise while you look at Heidi who's slumped down on the bed.

"You okay?" You mouth at her.

"No," she mouths back.

You turn to look at Jamie, "Oh my God!" You lowly gasp.

"I feel bad for Heidi," Jamie whispers.

"Me too," you say back behind the duvet at Jamie.

-

YOU: Let's say we never know what's going to happen next [shrugs]

-

The mood the next morning has been set to gloomy with the drama that happened last night.

The good news is there's no sign of anyone breaking any rules and the bad news is that Jamie seems to not moving on from your kiss with Maeve yet.

Jamie is usually chipper whenever he's with you, except for today, he seems distant even though you're working out together by the beach.

"Tighten your glutes," he instructed.

You play dumb since that's the most successful way to win a guy's heart, "tighten my what?"

Jamie chuckles and enthusiastically shows you the parts of your body you need to work on, the back of your thighs and legs. His hands don't skip the chance to rub over the curve of your ass.

"Can you feel it?" He asks as he guides you to do a proper squat by standing right behind you.

You intentionally nudge his crotch with your ass, "oh yeah, I can feel it," you answer with giggles.

By working out, you hope that it would help to release tension between you and Jamie, it worked but in the process, you're getting that tingling down there with his hands constantly touching you.

You collapse onto the yoga mat from doing a plank and groan, "Ugh... I'm so horny."

Jamie laughs as he helps you get up from the mat.

-

YOU: I realized now that maybe Jamie needs validation, he needs more than just words from me. Maybe I have to do something about it [raises an eyebrow]

-

Before you can set a plan, Lana calls everyone to the cabana.

Not sure if anyone breaks any rules but you feel sick in the stomach whenever you sit down and face her cone-shaped body.

Cole is getting ready to put his laser eyes on anyone who breaks the rules.

"No one break any rules last night," Lana announces.

Everyone seems to be letting out a sigh of relief and you feel guilty just from thinking about doing a rule break later for Jamie.

"With the couples seeming to form deeper bonds, it's time to establish how committed to each other you really are," Lana states.

Couples? You are positive you and Jamie are included in it.

"By sending some of you on dates..." Lana continues.

-

YOU: The question is... Who's going on a date? I would love to go on a date with Jamie.

-

Now everyone starts to hold their breath again with Lana dragging each piece of information just to torture all of you.

"With new arrivals," Lana finally finishes.

This is not a good time for Lana to intervene, not when you plan on taking things further with Jamie. Also, new arrivals mean that they're not adapted to the rules yet, they'll be uncontrollable, horny babies like... well, everyone here a week ago.

"The first arrival is... Mia," Lana announces.

The guys snickered in joy, excited even just from hearing the girl's name.

"I have given her a choice of dating one of the boys currently in couples."

Your mouth hangs open in surprise, you're wrong to underestimate Lana's power and that she owns this game, she's the mastermind.

"She has selected..."

-

YOU: I hate to think about it but I have an inkling that this Mia girl is going to choose Jamie [leans back on the sofa]

-

"... Jamie."

The timing is impeccable.

Things are going well between you and Jamie, then Lana, being the girl boss she is, decides to ruin all of that.

You look at Jamie and he looks slightly pleased that he got chosen.

You're spacing out the rest of the time Lana announces another arrival, a boy who chose Laura to be his date.

It's unclear whether you're jealous about him going on another date or you regret holding yourself back from him all these times.

Jamie rubs his hand up and down your arm, briefly kisses your cheek, then says, "You have nothing to worry about."

How come you trust his words when you've witnessed all these bed hoppings and jumping ships happened overnight?

-

YOU: What Jamie said only makes me even more worried. Lana said it's a test so this Mia girl must be sexy, and speaks three languages or something. You know, like a girl version of Alex.

-

Maeve is helping you style your hair for tonight.

"How do you feel about Jamie going on a date with someone?" She asks.

You shrug and sigh, sending the powder you're holding flying around your face.

"I just hope she's ugly," you jokingly answer.

"Hate to break the news but I think she's hot and a potential rulebreaker," Maeve decides to pour salt on your wound instead of soothing it.

"It's not that I don't care but I decide not to care," you explain.

You finish your make-up with a setting spray and check yourself again in the mirror, "but you know, deep down, I'm scared, shitless," you admit.

It's getting more nerve-wracking waiting for Jamie to come back from his date. Maeve keeps you occupied with happy thoughts, telling you fun things you can do in Ireland with her.

The other girls low-key comfort you by complimenting your looks. It's a nice gesture except that no one died and you're not in mourning, you just want this to get over with.

Laura is the first one to come back, guiding the new arrival by linking her arm with his.

She introduces Killian around, an Irish man who's just the perfect match for Maeve.

Killian is a great distraction, his accent is attractive and so is his smile. You keep nudging Maeve's elbow to send her hints.

Maeve replies by elbowing your side and you thought she was being playful, then turn your head around to see Jamie has came back from his date.

"Oh shit. She's hot!" Aly exclaims.

You bite your tongue and put your lips together, not wanting to lose your calm easily. There are only two possibilities, Jamie stays with you, or not.

As Jamie pulls you to the make-up room, you know it's time for him to decide.

"How was the date?" You ask with a smile.

"It was nice. We had champagne and fruits and cheeses," he gives you an answer that you don't expect.

You silently gulp air and keep on putting on a smile for him, "Sounds lovely!"

The moment passed in silence is deafening and you need to burst it. You clear your throat and hold the hand on his lap.

"So... are you here to tell me I was right for not worrying you?" You joke.

Jamie awkwardly laughs at your question and that you're right for worrying him. A part of you is in denial that you're not chosen but another part of you decides to shut him out right here, right now.

"I want to tell you that Mia and I... I think we have something going on between us and I want to get to know her more," he slowly explains.

This heart is fickle, you decided not to care but you feel a sting in your chest when he told you that.

"You're saying you chose her?" You ask for confirmation.

Jamie takes your other hand, afraid that you run away before he can explain.

"No, I'm staying with you and openly telling you that at the same time, I want to get to know Mia," he refuses your words when it's exactly what he wants.

Other girls would give him the chance but not with you, if Jamie chose her then he should stay with her. There's no use for you and him to stay together if he wants to get to know someone that isn't you.

"Jamie you can't do that. You either stay with me or be with her, you have to choose!" You insist on him settling on a decision.

-

YOU: Apparently, Jamie wants to have his cake and eat it too [shakes head]

-

You get it that Jamie is conflicted because he still likes you but the other girl offers him something that you don't give to him.

"I like you. I still want to be with you," Jamie persists.

His words are not aligned with his action. You shake your head and put his hands away, "it sounds like you're asking me to wait for you while you're getting it on with someone else."

That seems to put the nail in the coffin that he got speechless. The disappointment got to you that you and if you stayed longer, you're afraid you would say something you didn't mean to him.

"You've made your choice, Jamie," you tell him.

-

YOU: To say that I'm disappointed is an understatement. I'm livid, I'm... I was planning to take things further but yeah... [brushes hair to the back] Mia happens.

-

Can't believe that you'll be the one serving drama tonight.

You stall in the make-up room, not wanting to get to the bedroom yet. You're drying your hair after a shower and sitting there for a minute, just taking everything in and trying to let it go.

Taking a deep breath, you keep a straight face as you push the door into the bedroom and have no choice but to share a bed with Heidi since Maeve is sharing the bed with Killian.

"You alright, babe?" She quietly asks.

You hold your forehead and slump down on the bed, "it's shitty."

She gently squeezes your elbow, "yeah."

You lay down on the bed and avoid the eyes looking back and forth between you and Jamie. You may decide not to care but seeing him sleeping with another girl right in front of your eyes, hurts.

You cover your eyes with your hand and mumble, "I just want to get this day over with."

-

YOU: Jamie has decided so he has to live with that decision. Good luck, I guess.

-

If it weren't for her, Jamie would have stayed with you and you wouldn't be waking up to Heidi lowly snoring next to you.

Mia might have seduced him but it wouldn't happen if Jamie remained faithful so you decide to blame him, not her.

This is probably what Maeve felt that day when she cried, defeated, and dejected.

But Jamie has to try harder if he wants to see you cry.

 "How are you feeling, sexy?" Maeve asks as she waddles in the swimming pool.

You sit on the edge with your feet dipped in the sun-warm water, "I don't know, really," you shrug.

She holds onto your leg, clinging to it to stay afloat, "You're better than her, trust me, she's not that attractive if you looked at her long enough."

You know that she's not saying that out of spite, she said all that to make you feel better.

"Saying unkind things about her doesn't make me better, Maeve," you tell her with a glare.

"I'm sorry but it's true," she says with a subtle shrug.

-

YOU: Jamie and I [sighs] We hugged, we cuddled, we slept in one bed together. I don't want to care but the truth is... I care.

-

The day drags on and you're more than happy to get to your bed except that you're not ready to see Jamie and Mia cuddling on the bed you used to sleep on.

You're hanging out with Maeve in the make-up room while she's braiding your hair to pass the time.

"We can sleep together. I'll just tell Killian—"

"And risks Heidi stealing him from you?" You cut her off with a joke.

Maeve laughs as she tied the end of your hair with an elastic band and fixes the loose hair on the back of your head.

"Enough about me. How about you and Killian?"

Maeve plops down on the chair next to you and takes a hairbrush from the table, slowly combing the end of her hair.

"We chatted a lot but not sure if we have that connection," she answers.

"But don't worry, we're getting along just fine," she assures you in response to your concerned expression.

"Is it perhaps because you haven't moved on from Felix?"

Asking her that is like walking on eggshells and you're doing it carefully. Mostly because Felix confessed that he likes you that making it seems that way to you.

"Oh come on! I've moved past that," she answers while twirling her hair around her fingers.

You consider telling her about Felix's confession that night but it comes to no use, the retreat has come halfway to finish and you're not sure if Felix still likes you.

It's close to lights out and you step into the bedroom with Maeve.

Heidi is already taking half of the bed with her long legs that you have to scoot close to the edge to lie down.

"Goodnight, everyone!" Aly says to everyone in the room and getting sleepy mumbles in return.

-

YOU: When I think about it, I'm seeing Lana more than my therapist [uneasy smiles]

-

This is not how you want to start the day.

You don't want to hear what Jamie and Mia did or how they spent $20.000 last night. He probably has pent-up tension and finally got to release it with her.

"You got the watches, man!" Cole is coming at him.

You sit back and watch it from the end of the sofa on how Jamie is trying to explain himself.

"I know you won't believe me but Mia and I, we have a connection," he explains.

"Why not act right and get rewarded?" Cole is jabbing him with words.

"You won't understand," Jamie says with a defeated sigh.

-

YOU: Maybe that's why I doubted Jamie. I can see it now, the bright side [smirks]

-

Nothing says a fresh start than doing yoga with Heidi.

Apparently, she is a licensed instructor and you feel a whole lot better after stretching your body to the limit.

You share the shower with Maeve to cut the time and get ready to dress up.

As you're applying your lipstick, Lana chimes in and makes you jolt in your seat.

Maeve's mouth drops open and she stops curling her hair altogether.

"Hello, ladies!"

"Hi, Lana," you nervously answer and push your chair away from the table.

Then she calls your name and you almost choke on air.

"Y-yes?"

"I'm offering the chance to go on a date with Felix " Lana informs out of the blue.

"Me?" You ask in disbelief.

"Would you like to attend?" Lana asks.

You turn to look at Maeve to remind yourself to be a good friend and a good friend avoid hurting her friend's feelings.

"Shouldn't we make them wait for at least 48 hours for an answer, Lana?" You playfully respond.

Maeve kicks your feet under the table, "what are you doing? Say yes!"

"Then how about you?" You blabber, not expecting that she gives you the blessing to go on a date with her former crush.

"What about me?" She asks in pure confusion.

"Don't you like him?"

Maeve excessively sighs, "I told you I've moved on!"

She kicks your feet again, "Hurry! Say yes!"

You turn to look at Lana in her mixed purple-hued lights and hesitate to say yes. Not only it means you have to start it all over again, but also letting yourself open for another heartbreak.

"Would you like to attend?" Lana asks once again.

-

YOU: I'm not sure if I'm ready to try and restart [sighs]

-

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clair de lune. (m) - part seven

genre; yandere, vampire!au, reincarnation! au angst, smut

pairing; ot8/f.reader

word count: 23k

warnings; manipulation, explicit scenes, murder, blood, smut, gaslighting, prior abuse/assault mentioned, knives, wounds, brief talk of religion, mass murder

summary; you’ve finally gotten the chance to enter “clair de lune”, a infamous night club to see the band hiraeth. but why did you feel like their eyes only watched you?

note: this first deals with the subject of yandere. with that being said, a lot of the things happening in this fiction will be manipulation, gaslighting, and various other techniques displayed by the characters. if you are not comfortable with that, please do not read.

masterlist | final

Keep reading

---

Freak Show Talk | 3racha, lmh

𝙞𝙞. 𝙞 𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙡𝙚𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬

! fwb, free use ft. all, fujoshi fem reader, poly, enm, angst, smut, dead dove do not eat. <1k wc. 18+ readers only !

「Contents List」 「Act 1」  「© Sept 2023 by jl-micasea-fics」

At some point you must accept that your inability to focus is entirely Minho’s doing.

As well trained as you are to deal with his trademark fuckery, your resistance thins. That it’s lasted five years is frankly a miracle. With every ornery grin and bold touch your self-control fractures. A new fissure to weaken the integrity of your little black box, your best kept secret. The things it contains— not even you can bear to look at them. Not without breaking. Sinful, shameful things. A cauldron of sex and violence that collects beauty and corrupts it into scenarios so appalling it would destroy so much more than your friendship if Minho were ever to learn of it. Nobody can be so equipped for the pain of unrequited wanting. The worst sort of purgatory.

Still, there is peace to be found in what you do have with the man. Indeed, it’s not so bold to claim you’re able to tame him in a way others fail to, bringing him gently down when he soars, picking him up when he sinks. He has no happy medium where states of existence are concerned.

Living together after college felt a natural continuation of sharing a dorm; who better to take your first steps into the working world with than your best friend? And it might be the case that Minho has done a much better job of that, but the convenience of it all still stands. What is not so convenient, is the yearning. College gave Minho the tools to shape himself, the experience of life gave him the skills. The bigger he grew both in stature and character the fuller the little black box was; a constant fucking thorn in your already bruised and battered side. None the wiser, Minho throws himself into his business, dedicating all he has to its success. You’ve been a witness to it all— the breakthroughs, the failures, the stresses and the joys, how the overachievers of the dancing world ply him with praise for his choreographies and talent. Valid, for Minho dances with unrivalled finesse. Watching him is an experience beyond description. And he takes it all on board with humble thanks that toes the line of frustration: part of you wishes he would simply lavish in it and acknowledge the talent, charisma and beauty with which he overflows.

And so; when the incredibly talented, appallingly hot, unbearably charismatic roommate nonchalantly confesses to having seen one naked, what is one to do? Is there anything even to be done? Who knows how long ago this observing of your nakedness occurred, and Minho clearly thought it nowhere near so revolutionary as to be worth mentioning at the time, which leaves you more dejected than reason dictates as you mentally cycle through occasions, no matter how mundane, that might have brought such exhibitionism.

Coming up blank and apparently unable to move on from it, you fish your phone from your ‘Coffee #1’ emblazoned apron.

Your colleague nudges you by the elbow. “Don’t let Supervisor Jin catch you with that.”

You suppress a laugh. “Like he doesn’t have his phone on him all the time.”

“He’s the supervisor. Rules don’t apply.”

“I’m fighting for equality.”

A customer approaches the counter with intent to order; your colleague rolls their eyes and gets to serving.

Attention turned back to phone, you send Minho a text:

<< when was it

The response comes instantly.

>> ???

<< you said this morning you’d already seen me naked. when

>> Lol

>> How long have you been thinking about this?

<< just tell me

>> It doesn’t even matter.

<< it matters to me

>> Why?

<< it just does

A minute ticks by with no reply.

<< minho?

Another minute.

<< HELLO

>> Got to work. Catch up later.

<< don’t u dare

>> Lol. You’re as cute as that lil mole on your ass. 💦

“Goddamn it—”

Your name is called from the other end of the counter. Supervisor Jin stares you down, yet even the glower of his beady eyes fails to instil the usual dread through the thick layer of irritation.

“My office, please,” he deadpans.

Your colleague hisses as you trudge past them: “Told you.”

𝙥𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚, 𝙧𝙚𝙗𝙡𝙤𝙜, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙞𝙣 𝙖𝙣 𝙖𝙨𝙠 ♡ 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙨𝙞𝙙𝙚𝙧 𝙨𝙪𝙥𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙢𝙚 𝙤𝙣 𝙠𝙤-𝙛𝙞 ♡

< 𝙥𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙤𝙪𝙨 | 𝙣𝙚𝙭𝙩 >

---

Freak Show Talk | 3racha, lmh

𝙞. 𝙖𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙨 𝙥𝙖𝙨𝙨

↳ A famous rapper trio looking to open their relationship. A charismatic dancer looking to open your mind. A myriad of possibilities, none of them tame. In at least one thing, Chan was right. This can't end PG.

↳ 3racha x Lee Know x female reader

↳ All drabble chapters <;1k

↳ 3racha au, fwb, free use, fujoshi reader, polyamory and enm, angst, smut, mxm, fxm, perceived mental illness, dead dove do not eat

! Explicit content, adult themes, suitable for 18+ readers only !

「Contents List」  「© September 2023 by jl-micasea-fics」

a/n: welcome to what happens when a commission gets out of hand. and that's probably putting this mess politely. i tried something new w this series, partly to attempt to address what seems to be a diminishing tolerance for longer chapters, but mostly to improve my style. this is shorter, but snappier. the challenges i faced w this story were some of the most difficult, the topics within some of the rawest. i like to think i got there in the end. (ty thea for putting up w my constant despairing). please heed the warnings and as much as you're able to: enjoy. dedicated to dear sanne, who initially commissioned a drabble. have eighty-five x

“Minho!”

Even with as much gumption as you put into the calling of your roommate’s name, the gush of water does more to drown out your voice; acquiescing to its power, you shut off the shower and try your luck a second time.

“Min, you there!?”

The trudge of heavy footsteps outside accompanies a gruff, “What is it?”

“Towel rescue, please!”

“Again?”

You swipe ticklish runnels of hot water from your forehead. “It’s not my fault a certain someone never thinks to replace them!”

“You can’t check before you get in the shower?” Minho gripes.

“I forget!”

Indecipherable grumbling carries off down the corridor. After a few moments, the bathroom door cracks open.

“I’m coming in.”

“Alright. Just don’t, like, look, or anything.” You tuck behind the glass shower door. Like it’s not made entirely of glass.

Minho steps inside, left hand shielding his eyes as his right offers out a clean towel. He can’t be long out of bed himself; shirtless with ash-blonde hair mussed and unkempt, loose shorts slung low around his shapely hips. Condensation mists the air and settles on his skin, his honey complexion glistening. A deep and heavy warmth throbs wantonly; as it has done every day since you met.

“Fuck me, it’s hot in here,” he puffs. “The shower has a temperature below scalding, you know.”

Well versed in concealing your infatuation, you roll your eyes. “Says the guy that only ever showers in ice water.”

“Cold showers are better for you. Healthier. It’s, like, proven.”

“So is spinach, but you refuse to touch that.”

Minho grimaces. “That’s different. Are you going to take this towel or what?”

“Yeah, I’m just— Can you come a little closer? I don’t want to get out.”

He shuffles forwards, socks sliding over the damp linoleum. “You forgot your slippers too?”

“Maybe.”

You crane around the glass, reaching for the towel. “I can’t— Minho, closer.”

He shuffles a bit more. You crane a bit more.

“Minho, just give me the damn towel!”

And his hand drops, thunder in his expression. He marches across the bathroom, not remotely nonplussed by your nakedness.

“Here,” he glowers, shoves the towel at you.

You snatch it breathlessly. “I told you not to look!”

“I told you to stop forgetting a damn towel.” He grins, abruptly about-faces to leave the room.

“Heathen.”

He stops at the door; you think your insult responsible until he says, “You do know I have seen you naked before?”

Breathless.

“W— What?”

He shrugs. “Yeah.”

“But— When? How?”

“Just, you know. Around. We live together, it was bound to happen.”

“Right...”

Minho scoffs, turns to leave, the broad expanse of his naked back rippling with movement. The crippling urge to run your nails down it leaves scratches on your soul. Red and sore. Pretty.

“If the mood ever strikes, I’ll make us even and show you mine,” he says, closing the door with a wink.

His on-brand maniacal cackle carries away, implications left to hover.

You spend another ten minutes in the shower, shame descending with every helpless whimper your bitten lips fail to contain. Does he know how he ruins you? How you’re forced to purge him from your system by your own hand? Two fingers full and yet not even close to stretched? And this time the urge was brought on by nothing more than a thoughtless joke.

Pathetic.

Minho lives under your skin.

You’ll never carve him out.

𝙥𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚, 𝙧𝙚𝙗𝙡𝙤𝙜, 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙞𝙣 𝙖𝙣 𝙖𝙨𝙠 ♡ 𝙘𝙤𝙣𝙨𝙞𝙙𝙚𝙧 𝙨𝙪𝙥𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙢𝙚 𝙤𝙣 𝙠𝙤-𝙛𝙞 ♡

𝙣𝙚𝙭𝙩 >

---

— clair de lune. (m) - finale

genre; yandere, vampire!au, reincarnation! au angst, smut

pairing; ot8/f.reader, 21.2k~

warnings; major character death, manipulation, explicit scenes, murder, blood, smut (dubious), gaslighting, prior abuse/assault mentioned, knives, wounds, mass murder mention, blood exchanging, lying, mass delusions

summary; you’ve finally gotten the chance to enter “clair de lune”, a infamous nightclub to see the band hiraeth. but why did you feel like their eyes only watched you?

note: this fic deals with the subject of yandere. with that being said, a lot of the things happening in this fiction will be manipulation, gaslighting, and various other techniques displayed by the characters. if you are not comfortable with that, please do not read.

thank you to my best friend @hongism rereading for me .. <3

Chapter 8:

“He brought her to where Yeosang is,” Yunho says softly, watching his friend pace back and forth. Endearing how worried he seems to be, though they all know the likely end of this. You will never be convinced to become one of them, and their time is slowly ticking down. Yunho himself wouldn’t mind turning you now, so that he may deal with the decades of anger sooner rather than later. The others, excluding Wooyoung, not so much. Especially Song Mingi, biting his lip as he ponders his thoughts.

Though Mingi showed a tough facade to you in the beginning, he has always been softer. Blunt, sure, but his worry seems to supersede everyone else’s. There was a time that it burdened him too heavily for any of the others to pull him out, Yunho barely succeeding at doing so. Seeing him close to what he was like before does bother Yunho, but there is surely some way out of this situation.

“You’re letting this worry you too much, Mingi,” Yunho says, flipping through another page of his comic. He snorts at the dialogue. His gaze moved to Mingi’s feet, seeming to burn a path into the hardwood. Despite wanting to finish the book - he’s lingered on the same chapter for a while - he places it to the side, trying to meet the eyes of his best friend. “Hongjoong won’t let her be hurt.”

“Yeosang gets into these sprees when he’s too overwhelmed. I’m worried he won’t see y/n when he’s there. There's a chance–"

“Nonsense,” Yunho waves him off. “He’ll smell her before anything else. Might pull him out of his rage.”

“Might is not definitive.”

“She will pull him out of it, all right? Mingi, don’t let this affect you so much.”

Mingi closes his eyes for a moment, thinking. “It’s as if everyone else can worry but me. Don’t look at me like that. Nothing will happen this time, not like before.”

Though Yunho doesn’t respond, that only seems to fuel Mingi further. He slowly starts his pacing again, fingers digging into the palms of his hands. It’s not enough to break skin, no, but Yunho watches as he begins to lose himself in his thoughts. Interrupting will only worsen the situation so instead, he waits for him to understand his thoughts, to think it through before saying something. Mingi stops, looking back at Yunho.

“Could Yeosang have been right this whole time?”

“Min…”

“I know,” he holds up his hand. “I know that he’s stuck in his head just like I am. But should we just dismiss his thoughts? Should we let ourselves go through all of this again? She’s died once before Yunho, and it feels like it’ll happen sooner rather than later. We’re taking the same path.”

“We’re not. We aren’t even pirates this time. It’s different, Mingi,” Yunho sighs, rubbing his face. “I haven’t shoved blood down her throat. And I doubt any of us will.”

“You’re not listening to me-“

“What do you want me to say?!” His voice rises as he stands from the couch. “Tell you that I’d rather live another one hundred torturous years than force her to turn? Because that’s not what I want, and I know that’s not what you want either. We don’t want her to die. But if we let her live a full life without attempting to turn her, we all will suffer without her being around.”

“But what if that's what she wants?"

Yunho narrows his eyes. “What?”

“Why are we so selfish to force our ideals when it’s not what she desires? Yeosang has been a shell of himself ever since he turned. Why do we assume that she will be the same as she is now? In fact,” his gaze is glued to the floor. “If she is the same, turning her will only exemplify her emotions. Her hate toward us will turn into pure abhorment.”

“Waiting hundreds of years knowing she’s alive is better than letting her life cycle restart.”

He holds in his horror at his words. Mingi knew that Rose's death affected Yunho horribly, especially knowing that he was the one that forced her to murder in the beginning. But speaking of you as if you're not your own person? Mingi decides it is best to no longer try and convince his friend. “You’re right,” he lets the lie slip through his anger. “We cannot endure this again, can we?”

“Have you not seen us?” Yunho snorts, slowly sinking back into the cushions. “Our self-torture can only go on but so far. It will be all fine in the end, Min. Don’t worry about it.”

“I won’t.”

-

You’re not safe.

Hongjoong drags you through the front door, ignoring how you try to fight against his hold. It almost seems amusing to him, the slight smirk upon his lips, quirk of his brow. Enjoyment encasing his features. As if he finally has you and won’t let you go.

Your head is clearer now, absolute. Despite how kind any of them are – including Seonghwa, Yeosang, Mingi – they will never let you leave. It’s almost humorous to even think that they would have; each time you stepped a foot out of their gaze it was like you committed a felony. How unwise of you not to notice it sooner. It scares you how easily they’ve dug themselves into every part of your life - taking your home away, your friends. You’re sure there was influence on you applying for employment as well. Taking every escape away from you, keeping you to themselves.

“She will learn her place,” Hongjoong says, the grip on your arm so tight it feels as if he’ll pull it right from its socket. No matter how hard you tug he seems to ignore it, walking calmly pass the other men in the living area. The absence of Yeosang and Mingi is blatantly obvious, but you no longer have the will to ponder it. San and Wooyoung silently look on, quickly averting their gaze when you look at them. Yunho doesn’t, expression blank as he stares. Jongho, of course, does not bother facing you at all.

Seonghwa looks at you with pain. It’s sad how you no longer believe it to be real. Or at the very least, not for you. For the person's soul you've taken.

“We spoke about this, Joong,” Seonghwa starts, following close behind. “We said it would be different this time.”

He only scoffs, ignoring your screaming as he turns a corner. “What will we do then? Let her go on her merry way? You know that’s not possible now.”

“It is not now because you made it so,” he hisses, the two of them stopping in front of your door. Seonghwa crouches down, head tilted as he gazes upon you. All you can see is pity, his hand reaching out to touch your cheek. You flinch as he cups it, turning your head to meet his gaze. “It’s only for a few days. Just so that you get this out of your system, alright? We wouldn’t need to prolong it if there’s cooperation.”

“Fuck you,” you jeer.

"See?" Hongjoong seems to only sigh louder, pushing the door open and almost throwing you inside. You hold your head from hitting the floor, sliding across to the opposite side of the room. You struggle to lift yourself from the floor, body aching from the throw. You glance down at your hands, the blood from the dead in the restaurant dyed on your hands. You wipe them quickly, chest rising and falling.

There were so many dead. So many lives lost. You don’t notice how Seonghwa looks at you, wanting to step in and pull you out of your thoughts. He shuts his eyes for a moment, looking at his leader.

“Hongjoong.“

He holds up his hand. “She’ll learn her lesson soon enough. A few days of isolation will do wonders. Right, my sea?”

You don’t dare meet his gaze, nor try to run out the door. It’ll be foolish in the end, there’s eight of them and one of you. Why didn’t you listen to their advice?

Why didn’t you end it where it began?

-

It feels as if it’s spring outside; the window cracked just a bit for you to feel the warm breeze rush through. Vastly different from just a few days ago – the windchill almost suffocating, curtains closed as you tucked yourself beneath the blankets. You finally look away from the window when you see one of them appear, slowly making your way back into the cold sheets. Siyoon’s phone disappearing from the drawer only confirms your suspicions. If they are as guiltless as they make themselves out to be, it would still reside inside. Nothing sharp enough to hurt yourself with lying out and about. One of them searched your room when you left with Hongjoong. Now you’ll never know what happened to her. If she even survived her encounter with them.

The night Hongjoong dragged you back into this room is one you cannot forget. The pleas spilling from your lips as you begged for them to let you go, banging on the door. The sympathetic looks they gave you. As if you were the unstable one. As if all of this is your fault. Even Wooyoung, as guilty as he may be, gazed upon you with sympathy, an understanding nod as Hongjoong dragged you back inside, locking the door behind him. It's one of the last times you’ve seen him, and it’s been over a week since.

The first few nights were torture. They sealed your bedroom window, leaving it only open a crack for a bit of fresh air. The windows were coated with some sort of frost, hiding the outside world from your view. It only cemented the fact that no matter what you do or say, you’ll still be stuck in this room at the end of the day.

Now there’s nothing that could change your mind; Rose left for a reason. It wouldn’t surprise you if the two of you ended up in similar situations. Though she was stuck on a ship, and you are stuck in their home.

At least there’s the slightest chance that you can run.

“Your food is getting cold.”

Yunho stands at the door, hands tucked in pockets. He gives you a smile. You don’t have the energy to even pretend to care, shifting your gaze back to the frosted windows.

“No talking now?”

“Let me go.”

“Ah,” Though he speaks to your back, you can hear him run his fingers through his hair. “Eat and then we’ll talk about leaving.”

You roll your eyes, shifting your body to turn to him, “I should have noticed your lies from the beginning. It just comes so easily to you. What are you going to say next? I’m allowed to get some fresh air if I take a bite?”

His grin sticks, “Of course.”

“Go away, Yunho.”

“None of us want you stuck in this room, y/n,” he moves closer to the bed. You tense up immediately at his steps, eyes flicking to his hands. He holds them up in surrender, slowly sitting on the small stool. “We said it’d be temporary and we weren’t lying about that. If you want, you can sit outside and eat. I know you’re tired of looking out that window.” He gestures, dropping his hands. “We never wanted you to feel like a prisoner.”

“What a joke.”

“None of this would have happened if you cooperated,” he shrugs. “So, you want to go out or not?”

“If I say no?”

“Another week, unfortunately,” he frowns.

You slowly sit up, body numb from not moving for several hours. Yunho reaches out to steady you but you shift from his hand, shaking your head. They’ve hidden a lot from you; letting Yunho touch you is not the plan. You’d probably be put under some sort of spell. Of course, your imagination is very much working overtime, but months ago you wouldn’t have guessed that there was an underground vampire band that used to be pirates so consumed by their grief that they latch on to the reincarnation of their former lover.

Saying it in your head makes it even more unbelievable.

“You’re all sick, you know that right?” You murmur, sliding into your slippers. He doesn’t say anything, watching as you make your way to the plate of food. He takes it just as you’re about to grab it. “Yunho.”

“We’re going outside. You’re looking sickly without any sunshine, you should open the curtains a bit more. Light isn’t your enemy.” He steps to the side, gesturing to the open doorway. You’re not sure why the sight makes your anxiety start to rise. But you leave anyway, Yunho close behind you. The hallways are quiet as you step through the home. The back door is already ajar. You can see others just outside. One in particular stands out amongst the rest, sitting idly by the door. You still, causing Yunho to bump slightly into you as you do.

“I want to go back.”

“No.”

“Yunho–”

“I know there’s still a backbone in there somewhere, pretty,” he whispers, “Use it.” He pushes you slightly, forcing you to step further to the outside.

You stumble as you walk through the doors, desperately trying to calm your heart down enough. How have they beaten you down to the point where you cannot function properly around them? One man shouldn’t terrify you so much. You ignore his eyes, feeling them trail after you as you quickly make your way to the bench after slipping into your outdoor shoes, leaving the others to the side. The last time you were here, you enjoyed your time with Jongho. The memory is happy enough to ease your heart slightly, slow breaths escaping you. You sit down, Yunho placing the plate on a small table in front of you, a water bottle adjacent.

“See? Not so bad,” he pats the table, stretching. “I have to run out, but the others will keep you entertained enough. See you later, pretty.”

“Wait-”

He turns and walks before you can say another word. Your fists rest upon your thighs, gaze glued to the plate in front of you. From the quick glances before, you spotted Hongjoong, San, and Wooyoung lingering outside. Your body is too exhausted to think about where the others may be. The sun is bright today, hot against your skin as you slowly take a bite of the food. Your eyes move to the side, San and Wooyoung leaving promptly. You grip your plate, staring at the chest of the man who slowly makes his way over to you. Fear is what drives you now, looking in his eyes too much for you. All you can think of is the way he grinned as blood coated his hands and clothing, the way he laughed as he threw you into the room.

"Nice to see you after a few days, my sea," he sits on the grass in front of you, keeping enough distance for you to calm down slightly. You look back at the plate, unable to respond. "Nothing to say to me?"

"No."

He slowly drops his body against the lawn, hands resting behind his head. You inadvertently look at his face. The same sly smirk rests against his lips, brows lifting quickly when you finally look at his eyes.

You take another bite.

"Have you slept?"

"How could I when I'm in a house with people who want to kill me?" You say, teeth clenched.

"Being a vampire isn't killing you, y/n. It's another life. Extending your human one beyond what you can think of. It's a gift."

"It's a curse," you whisper. "Humans shouldn't live that long."

"Once you turn you're no longer human, so that doesn't really matter, does it?"

You place your chopsticks down, taking a slow breath. There's no use in speaking to him about it. He's lived long enough to twist your words. make it fit into his. And the other you’s probably had this same exact conversation with him dozens of times. “And then what comes after? Eternal suffering?”

“After turning? Anything you desire. You’ll have the world at your feet, just as we do.”

“It must be quite easy for you to assume,” you note, tucking your knees further into your chest. “Assuming that I will decide to live with you for however long I will be ‘alive’–“ you motion quotes with your fingers– “It’s a bit presumptuous to believe that I will never leave your side. And forcing me to will only work for so long. There will be a point when I decide that I’m sick of it and run.”

“You have yet to run though,” Hongjoong shrugs, gesturing to the gate. “It's been open for quite a while now but you lack an attempt to make a run for it.”

Scoffing seems to only lessen the impact of his words. What if you were to make a run for it? You doubt they would let you out of their sight for a moment. You can only think back to when Seonghwa let you go in that supermarket. You’re sure that everything would be in a different shape if you never arrived back home. What if… what if you didn’t show back up? Seonghwa gave you the out. The perfume that hides your smell, pheromones. You had the chance and you didn’t even take it.

Has there ever been a moment where you would have?

“Will you chase after me?”

He only smiles.

“Then what’s the point of me running? I doubt I’d get over the threshold without one of you stopping me.”

“Have you lost your drive to survive?” he raises a brow. “Or have you settled? The sea that I know wouldn’t allow us to keep her here without at least attempting to fight for it. It is only saddening to look at.” Despite his words his grin only seems to widen as he watches you. He’s desired this. He's always yearned for you to be subdued, underneath his fervent whims. Abiding by them only worsens the situation. But you cannot imagine yourself not giving up, fighting through it. You’ve tired yourself out over this year of meeting them. Who knew that the snarky woman at Clair de Lune would allow herself to be broken down into this empty shell? You know now that Rose wouldn’t have settled. She would have probably taken her life long ago.

It’s strange that you have yet to consider that path yourself.

“Who turned her?”

“Excuse me?” He’s mocking you now. "Couldn't quite hear you."

"Who turned Rose, Hongjoong? Which one of you did it?"

"Why do you care? Do you want to reenact it again? I wouldn't mind it, sure. But that's a bit strange even for you."

Oh. Fuck you.

“Wooyoung insists that it wasn’t him,” you start, knowing that this conversation could easily be turned on you. “And I believe him. But what I don’t understand is why her death is being hidden from me. What’s there to hide if she killed herself as you all have said? If it’s true, you could talk about it. If it’s true, you wouldn’t hide it from me.”

“Who are you to tell us what we’re thinking?” Though he still has the teasing grin on his lips, his eyes shifted, more narrowed. “Would it make you sleep better at night, knowing what truly happened to her? Would it change your mind about us, make you see us in a different light? Because as I see right now, you’re completely terrified of being in the same room as us. Pouring gasoline on the fire isn’t going to put it out.”

Though he doesn’t admit it blatantly, you can read between the lines. It’s true; Wooyoung didn’t kill her. He killed Yeosang, yes. But not Rose. And from what you know thus far Hongjoong wouldn’t hesitate to tell you it was him or Yeosang. He’d probably do it on purpose to make you fall deeper into yourself. But why hide it?

What would he gain?

Hongjoong stands, brushing off the strands of grass from his slacks. “I’d love to play with you some more, but we have a show. Mingi is somewhere around to entertain you whenever you decide to leave this spot. See you later, sea.” He waves slightly, leaving you alone outside. You glance at the open gate. There’s no one around that you can see but you know they’re watching. Waiting for you to take a step to it. You close your eyes for a moment, letting out a long breath.

Are you truly stuck here?

-

There seemed to be silent agreement amongst the men. Averted gazes, stepping out of the room when you enter. Even Wooyoung, as boisterous as he is, avoids you as you walk down the hallways. The feeling is eerie; watchful eyes at every corner, behind every door. The freedom to roam only makes you feel more trapped. More secluded. You wonder if this was their captain’s plan all along.

Your grip on the ceramic cup Mingi slides to you is tight. Lips firm. It’s strange how alone you feel in a house filled with people.

“Are you all right?” Mingi keeps his distance, leaning against the far wall. There’s a bit of a frown on his lips. He’s never shown you mock concern, but that was before you were forced into these walls. Now you don’t think your read of their expressions is accurate at all. “y/n?”

“Fine,” you remain tight lipped, placing your cup on the counter. You lift the coffee pot, slowly pouring it. You pretend not to notice the knives sitting on the countertop, only an arm’s reach away. “As fine as I can be while being kidnapped.”

You wait for him to excuse their behavior, say something along the lines of It’s not like that, we love you. A part of you hopes he does so you can tear apart the argument piece by piece. Instead, he nods solemnly, a sigh breaking the silence.

“It’s inexcusable.”

That makes you stop for a moment and turn to him. He sends you a closed-lipped smile, shrugging.

“There’s not much else I can say but that.”

“Shocked you’re not begging on your knees for me to forgive you,” you admit, placing the pot back down. The warmth causes a shutter through you, hands cupping the coffee. “Or telling me to go see Hongjoong.” Hongjoong told you just before he left that if you wanted to know details, you could just ask him. Alone, of course. Exactly the one thing you'd never do.

He laughs dryly then, “Would you even agree to it?”

“Hell no.”

“Then there’s no use in me even asking.”

“What’s up with you, Mingi?” Though the question is reasonable, there’s layers to it. He’s been off ever since that day the two of you were taken and kept in Subin’s home, or whatever it was. The day that he found out you were slowly being poisoned. It’s as if something shifted with him. Sure, he was annoyed with you in the beginning and it drifted to a fondness. But nothing this odd. He looks as if he’s in neverending pain.

Wait.

No. You’re not about to do this. There’s no reason to be worried for him. Feeling sympathy toward a person who is holding you against your will isn’t smart.

He shakes his head slowly, “I just, I worry for you. I know you won’t believe my words because I’ve broken your trust, but I am scared.”

“Of?”

“What we are doing to you,” his voice is low, eyes widening as he says it. His pupils tremble as they stare at you, full of aversion and panic. “I’m afraid of the past continuing to repeat. It’s frightening how similar it is.“

“You say that and yet here I stand across from you, unable to leave while you look at me with pity. I’ve got to say, Mingi, you almost fooled me.” You snort, ignoring the way your heart pounds. He can hear it, you’re sure of it.

“They’re not home,” he starts. “I’m the only one here.”

“So?”

“I’m the only one here,” he repeats.

You still, gaze moving back to him. “You would let me go?”

“You wouldn’t get far.”

“Mingi, you would let me leave right now?”

Though there is pain in his eyes, he nods. “I’d do anything for you. But you have to hurry, y/n. They’re—”

You don’t let him finish, dropping the cup from your hands and turning down the hallway. There’s no time to grab anything but your bag that hangs by the door. Just as you swing the door open, you meet the eyes of Jeong Yunho. His widens briefly before sighing, running his fingers through his hair.

“Didn’t I tell them that Mingi shouldn’t be home alone with you?” He steps inside, stepping around you. You don’t bother exiting the house, the others slowly making their way up the path. “Running away at the slightest chance. I told them this would happen. They were all worried about Seonghwa when we should have been watching Mingi.”

Mingi swallows slowly, looking at you with sympathy. The others enter the home, talking amongst each other as they step around you. They all wear their outfits from the show, not bothering to clean off the blood of their victims. Most are stained, except Jongho. And again, Yeosang is nowhere to be found. You doubt you’ll ever see him again after what you’ve witnessed. Hongjoong is the last to enter, slowly closing the door behind him. He closes his eyes for a moment, rubbing the space above his brows.

“What was the end goal, my sea?” He asks, turning to you. “Where were you going to go?”

“Hongjoong—”

“Ah,” he holds up his hand, stopping you just as you begin to speak. “Better that I not know so I don’t mess up your little plans, right?” His smile drops when he looks at Mingi, eyes narrowed. “You said you would watch her.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I didn’t think she would run—”

“A foolish thought. An even foolisher one that you would let her.” Hongjoong interrupts, eyes flicking to yours. “Yeosang would be hurt that you’d just run away, you know.”

“I don’t care what he thinks.”

“Is that so?” His brow lifts. “Then what about Mingi? Seonghwa? Jongho? You would leave us all without blinking?”

“This is not a life, Hongjoong!” Your voice rises, throwing your hands in the air. “What do you expect me to do? Just sit here and take it? Let you turn me into whatever you want? Generations of my soul didn’t want it, Joong. I myself don’t want it either. I just want to go home.” You can feel your breath quickening, heart beating against your chest. “Why won’t you let me go home?”

“What home, y/n? Your apartment is gone. Or are you speaking of your family? Parents? Oh my beautiful sea,” he tsks, shaking his head. “They don’t want you. They’ve never wanted you.”

“Stop,” you shake your head. “I won’t listen to you.”

He takes another step to you, forcing you to shrink into the corner of the room. The others do nothing to stop him. “You know it yourself. That’s why you ran to Seoul. Because they didn’t want you, remember? You begged for them to listen to your dreams, to accept you as you are. But they disowned you, told you that they were no longer your parents. You pleaded over and over but they only forced you out with one suitcase, and barely one thousand won. Pretending it didn’t happen doesn’t stop it from being true,” he places his hand on your cheek, pressing his lips against your forehead. They feel abnormally hot on your skin. “We’re your family now, y/n. We’ll take care of you.”

No. They didn’t… did they? Your memories begin to jumble. And just as clear as day, you remember the way your father shouted at you, telling you to leave. How you cried, falling to your knees. That’s not true, no. He loved you. He… hated you.

“I’m sorry Rose, it’ll be quick okay? Really quick, I will not let you suffer.” Jongho pushes his hand against your mouth as Rose–you, cry out. Your hands grip his arms, gagging as you accidentally swallow his blood. He pulls away, letting you fall to the wooden boards. You cough, desperate to get it out of your body. Realizing that you cannot, you try to stand, only for him to stand above you, holding a silver knife. His eyes are wide. He is smiling. Smiling as he stands over your body. You've never seen him this terrifying before. You try to speak, gagging at the blood in your mouth.

“It’ll be quick, Rose.” He brings it against your neck as you gasp, your screaming cut off. You feel it sink into your skin, gripping it tightly. Hongjoong moves around him, crouching next to you. His eyes flick over yours, ubiquitous glee radiating from his gaze. He leans down, pressing a soft kiss against your forehead as the pain consumes you.

"y/n! Are you there? Can you hear me?" Jongho’s grip on you is tight. shaking your body over and over again.

Your hands grab his, pushing them off. He looks confused as he moves closer to you, but you cry out, backing up against the wall. The others look at you with worry, Hongjoong conveniently no longer in the room. You touch your face, wincing as your fingers brush against the cuts. When did they appear on your skin? Your eyes flick to Jongho, remembering. He killed you, her. Jongho was the one who did it.

It was never Wooyoung.

You fall to your knees, feeling him quickly move to touch you. "Get the fuck away from me!" Your head whips around, glaring. "Do not touch me, Jongho."

"y/n, I know a lot is happening right now—"

"You," your legs push you farther into the corner, eyes swelling with tears. "It was you all along. I thought it was Wooyoung, I blamed him but it was you. It was always you." The tremors through your body seem to only rise as you push through the thoughts. Your head throbs, eyes shut. "You killed her."

"Please just let me explain."

You shake your head, slowly standing. "She… you all lied. She never wanted to be like you, just like Yeosang. Both of them wanted to be human and you forced them to be like you. Because you're all fucked!" A half laugh, half gasp leaves your lips, thoughts scattered. "Why am I still here? I need to go, I need—"

"Why does every incarnation of you just never listen? Why do we have to go through this every time?" Yunho sighs, rubbing his face. "It would've been so easy if you just cooperated, y/n. It all would be easy." He slowly shuts the door behind him, the grip on his knife tightening. When did he get that? "We could've done it differently this time, my love."

The tension in the room shifts as he speaks. Wooyoung keeps his gaze low, Mingi staring at his friend. He looks furious, fists curled into themselves. “Yunho—”

“Say another word, Song, and I’ll kill you myself.”

"No one is killing anyone," Seonghwa enters the room, barely giving Yunho a glance. He looks at you, a small smile on his lips. "Want to talk? Alone?"

In all honesty you want to be left alone completely, but that will never be the case. Instead, you give him a weak nod, letting his hand slip into yours. Just as you're about to leave the room, you stop him. Whatever is happening between Mingi and Yunho, their friendship is crumbling in front of you. You just have this strange feeling that if you leave them alone something would happen. It's human nature; despite their lack of care for your own life, you care for theirs. Out of fear you avoid Jongho and Yunho's eyes, looking at Mingi.

"Can you come too?"

-

None of you say a word as you sit in the room together. Your head is tucked between your knees, breath shaky as you try to think this through. None of them will help you, you’re sure of it. Even with Mingi’s attempt, you’re sure he won’t do it as easily as before. Hongjoong might convince him otherwise. How he pulled those memories out of you, you’d never be able to explain. All of it is just so much, so heavily weighed on you. Everything is just too overwhelming.

“Do you need air?” Seonghwa asks softly, crouching in front of you. He doesn’t touch you or hold your hand and you’re thankful for it, emotions slowly taking over.

“I don’t know if I can take this anymore,” you admit, lifting your head just enough to show him your moist gaze. “My friend is dead, my parents disowned me. Seungwoo tricked me into caring about him and he’s gone now too. Yeosang is…” Your voice catches in your throat. “I have no one, Seonghwa. I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone. I’m alone.”

Waiting for his reassurances, telling you that you have them, it never comes. He rests his head against the foot of the bed, barely a centimeter or so away from where you rest. Your body shakes, trembling. You wonder if he realizes that there’s nothing he could say that would convince you that you’re not in danger, that you’re safe around them. The more you think about it, he’s a part of the few who told you that they apologize for what they’ve done - despite continuously doing it. It all feels mute now. The more you try to convince yourself that everything is fine, the more you fold into your own thoughts.

Nothing is fine. You’re sure that it never was.

“Was it the change that made him do it?” You ask, “Did turning into this make him unstable? Make all of you not as you were?”

Mingi scoffs, a light laugh escaping him. “It’s like we’re experiencing the same conversation over again.”

“You should have learned from the first time. Rose warned you and yet you made her take her life because she was terrified of all of you. You did this to her, whether you’d like it or not.” All of the visions are beginning to add up. Realizations one after the other. In the end Hongjoong was right; it didn’t matter who killed Rose, or this Cassia that he mentioned. It didn’t matter because your soul would never be free if they continued this cycle. Each time you died was because you rejected one of them. Hongjoong was the first, sure, but whatever poison that infects their bloodstream made all of them the same. All of your thoughts are forming one conclusion.

You have to let them turn you.

The thought makes you ill, body shivers. It makes sense. Every rejection led to death, every single time. Even now, before this revelation, you promised yourself you’d find a way to end your life before living as a vampire. But why let your soul continue the endless torture when you can just stop it? Perhaps you would enjoy your life after this. Maybe, eventually, you’ll learn to love them, enjoy them. You did before all of this. It wasn’t hard. It was strangely easy.

You reach to the side, opening your drawer to grab a tissue. You tense up, remembering that Siyoon’s phone is no longer in its place.

“Did you listen to anything I’ve said?” Seonghwa asks, pulling you away from the drawer. “Are you alright?”

You stare at the blank space, blinking slowly. “Can we have dinner together?”

His eyes widened, looking back at Mingi before standing. “Oh, I can grab a plate for you. I think Yunho was preparing something—”

“No, I want to eat together. With everyone, if that’s okay.”

-

The room is loud. Having eight people talking all at once, laughter in the air as they speak of different things makes you forget for a moment that they aren’t evil. That you’re not safe the longer you stay here. Your resolution from before begins to crack. Are you truly okay with being one of them? The metal smell of blood seeps through the air, your stomach turning as you watch them swallow it from glasses, mixed with other strange substances. None of them mention Yeosang’s absence, the chair pushed in as they pass around miscellaneous things. You can’t help but focus on it. He’s hated his life for over a hundred years. Your heart feels like it’s sliding through your body, sinking into the old hardwood floors. It’s scary, the effect he has on you. His absence has gone through you, you’ve tried burying the thoughts but they only seem to come back into your shaky hands, consuming every waking thought.

Is this how they feel? You planned this dinner to be an intervention, to question them as to what happened to Siyoon’s device. But all you’re doing is selfishly thinking of yourself and not her. Perhaps you’re not much different from them. It’s far too late to run away. Each part of them already lives there. You wish that you had more time. Your eyes shift to Jongho. Did you love him, despite it all? The way he pressed his hand against her lips, forced her to turn. He did not do that to you, no. But would he? Would your Jongho make you choke on his blood with a tender look in his eyes as your life faded? He seems to notice your stare, round eyes meeting yours. There’s care in them, worry, hurt. Regret. The feelings are so overwhelming that you force yourself to leave his eyes, watching the others. He doesn’t look away. Is this feeling what most want? To have someone unable to look away even when you have?

“Which one of you took Siyoon’s phone from my drawer?” The table silences in an instant. You look up from your cold dinner, sliding your gaze from face to face. None of them speak up, as if you didn’t ask a question at all. You swallow slowly. “Is she dead?”

“Yes,” Jongho speaks up. The tone is careful as he whispers. “But I want you to listen to my words carefully, y/n—”

You should have known. Nothing can be good with them. Nothing. “One of you killed her.”

Jongho shakes his head, “y/n—”

“Stop! Stop making me think I’m some fucking crazy person!” You stand up from your seat, hands gripping the wooden table. Through your anger you can see how Hongjoong sips his drink silently, not saying a word. “One of you took her phone away from me and probably destroyed it before I could read what’s on it. Pretending that you didn’t hurt her in any way to keep me here. Jongho, your lies aren’t going to work this time. Not. This. Time.”

“Would you like her phone?” Hongjoong’s brow quirks. He digs into his pocket, the familiar cases appearing in his hands. Without another word, he stands, placing it in front of you. The familiar pink casing staring back at you. “Be my guest. Fair warning; you won’t enjoy what’s on there. She wasn’t the kindest person in the world.”

You ignore his warnings, immediately entering her password. The table is quiet as you look through the various apps. Nothing is out of sorts, not even her emails. Your thumb hovers over the messages, before pressing the icon. It’s filled with unread messages, most sending their sympathies and condolences. But your brows furrow at one chat, the name of it unsettling.

You open it. It’s a group chat between her and several others, many of whom you recognize as acquaintances you met through Siyoon. You read through it, each message sinking in. Insults in between jokes about you, many of which are from Siyoon herself. Endlessly complaining about you, telling the rest that she was using you for her own gain. Messages that date back to even before you met the men who sit in front of you now. Your vision begins to blur as you control to scroll, stopping at the first message in the group chat.

It was a week after you met Siyoon.

siyoon: think we can use her for better grades?

You close the phone, mouth dry. "Did you kill her?"

"No," Jongho says again. “That night, the night we met. She was with someone, they said. A Jaehyeong? I can’t remember his last name. But they were together, and he…” Jongho trails off. “It was a car accident, y/n. They both died.”

The air feels colder as you think back to the night. Leaving her with him despite the red flags. She wasn’t drunk, nor was he, but there was just something off about that night. You were too involved with yourself to think it through clearly. In fact, you’re sure that you told her to message you when she got back home. Thinking about it now, you’ve never received that text.

You don’t take their word for it, opening the web browser on her phone and typing in their names. It’s the first article of a few, a car accident that killed the lives of two innocent young adults. No alcohol in their systems. The phone slips through your fingers, face down against the table.

“How long did you know?” You ask softly. “How long?”

“Not too long after Seonghwa saw you in the bookstore,” Yunho admits, taking another sip of the drink. “We didn’t know you well enough back then, so we thought you knew of it already. It was a bit of a shocker that you didn’t up to this point. When we found the phone in your drawer, that’s when we realized where you went when we lost you in the supermarket.”

Your head slowly shakes on its own as the information sinks in. Unbeknownst to you, the rest of the men in the room exchange looks over you.

“She’s gone.” You hold your hand over your mouth, tears falling down your cheeks, dripping against the table. Seeing your friend Siyoon, her words egregious, makes you feel all but nauseous. It doesn’t change the fact that she’s gone, but it hurts knowing she felt that way about you. That you were just a tool in her life, when you thought you were more than that.

You've felt alone before, but the sinking feeling that you have not one person in this world who cares about you is utterly terrifying.

-

Hongjoong sits on the balcony, Seonghwa and San across from him. He tends to a cup of wine, sipping slowly as he looks out into the surrounding forest. He hasn’t heard from Mingi or Jongho, guiding you to your room once you’ve found out. A part of him forgot that you still had that brief connection with the woman, immediately giving the phone to Wooyoung once he found out about it. He’s thankful that you were too distraught to notice anything strange about the messages, dates and communications slightly off. But it convinced you enough, the device forgotten as you sink into your grief.

He glances at the other two across from him, lids heavy. “Would either of you care so much for a woman who insulted you and used you in your past?”

San hesitates before speaking. “They were friends, Hongjoong. She cared for her. It would be hard not to feel immense grief at the thought of losing someone that close. She will be devastated for a long time.”

He sighs, taking another sip. “Then we have to delay turning her.”

“Is this… not too far?” Seonghwa asks, already predicting his answer. “She has lost her friends, family. You never told us you would manipulate her thoughts that way. Now she believes that her family hated her.”

He merely shrugs, “They would have anyway once they saw their daughter as one of us. Her parents were quite traditional. She hid every relationship from them in fear of their rejection. Ours wouldn’t have been much different.”

“And Yeosang, then? Will we continue to force them apart?”

“Of course not, hyung.” It’s a farce in itself, knowing that Hongjoong is thousands of years older than he is. “Do you truly consider me that mad?” He rolls his eyes. “I told Yeosang to come home whenever he likes. He is the only one preventing himself from entering these doors. He’s afraid of what she might say to him. Not unwarranted — she did see him at his lowest. It would be a bit hard for her to see him without imagining that blood covering his body.”

“I just don’t understand,” San stands from his spot. “How will all of this make her want to be one of us? She’s just brewing in her hurt now. It’s worse than Rose now. There’s no chance she’d agree, or live that long to accept herself.”

“You never think of the bigger picture, San. She is hurting so badly now, thoughts darker and more vulnerable. Now she really has no one but us. There's no need to convince her because she'll come to the conclusion herself." He grins, leaning further back in his seat. "And I will be waiting with open arms."

-

Wooyoung wipes the blood against his jeans, some of it sticking to the underside of his nails. They haven't killed anyone; their thoughts wiped as they stumble down the street, told to go back to their homes. He slumps himself onto the bench. After being turned he considered himself a less caring man. He knows it, more than the others tell him. But seeing you so defeated… it made him feel filthy. No amount of blood draining helps him forget the distant look in your eyes. You looked so alone. It reminded him of his former life; abandoned and distraught. He knows that if Seonghwa didn't find him sooner, he wouldn't have survived for much longer.

He lifts his hands, staring at his palms. Is this what they've become? Shells of their former selves? Losing you devastated him. He could remember the murder sprees they went on, full of grief. Not caring who or what they killed. So consumed with turmoil for years. He thought that when he saw you again, his peach, it would be okay again. You would love him as you did before with ease, care for him. But it just feels the opposite. That he's trying to convince you to give him a chance.

He leans his head back, staring at the night sky. It's a bit colder now despite the change in seasons, the summer breeze chilly.

He scoffs, rubbing his face.

Maybe he is completely delusional.

-

Your knees are tucked close to your chest. You're not sure if you can cry anymore, body exhausted from the hours of sobbing. You stare at the door, knowing that even if they're giving you space, you couldn't do anything without them knowing. Their hearing far supersedes yours. It wouldn't surprise you if your heart beat is being listened to. You close your eyes for a moment.

You have nothing. Just them, just their endless and unconditional affection. No friends, no family. Not even a slip of a memory that Rose could give you. Nothing.

It's scary to think about.

"I want to see him." You whisper.

It pains you to even think of his face, but you need to see him. You need him to tell you that he's there. That he won't abandon you when you make your choice.

"Please."

-

Mingi stands outside the abandoned cemetery. His hand grips the rusted gate, chest tight. It's funny that he could feel it despite his heart no longer functioning at all. All of them know where he went. It's hard not to when they're all so in tune to each other. But here? The place that Mingi avoided with everything that he had. The place they buried their beautiful Rose. He takes a long breath, taking slow steps inside. Her grave isn't too far away from the entrance, but it makes him want to break down the closer he gets. He spots Yeosang not too far off, sitting in a folded chair, eyes glued to her grave.

He wears the same outfit he left home that night. Clothing still stained with dried blood, ripped every which way. Smell putrid, nauseating if Mingi were a human. But he's used to the smell of the dead. It's a smell that appears when they haven't fed or moved in a while. None of them really let themselves get that far into decaying, but Yeosang does quite often. A form of self torture, Mingi thinks. A method that he once used when he let his thoughts take over.

"That's something you and y/n have in common. Never say a word until I speak up," Yeosang says. His voice sounds hoarse. This is probably the first time he's said a word aloud in weeks; deeper tone much more so. He doesn't move though, back still facing Mingi as he makes his way over. "I'm not going back if that's what you're here for."

"We want to make sure you're okay."

"Right. They wouldn't send you if they did care."

"You know we care, Yeosang. Don't start with that," Mingi knows he's partially correct. Hongjoong planned on coming himself but Mingi insisted it be him. Wooyoung was usually the first to break Yeosang. Mingi never really understood how to speak to him. They're friends, sure. Family. But he and Yeosang aren't as close as the others. There's often silence when they're together. Comforting, but quiet. "I wanted to come."

"Did you." A statement, more than a question.

"It's been weeks, Yeo."

“And it’s usually years before one of you decides to come find me.”

Mingi sighs, “You know it’s different this time.”

“Ah yes. This time you have your Rose, and you want everything to be perfect for her. My apologies for messing things up again. Tell Hongjoong I give him my condolences.”

“She’s not just mine.”

“No, she’s his. She’s always been his. Alas, I have forgotten,” He rolls his eyes, “What do you believe is holding us together after all these years? And if there is any answer other than her, it’s a lie. We’ve all desired in different ways, what we would do if she came back to us. And now that she’s here, everyone is only caring about their own feelings. Have you not considered hers? Do hers matter in the grand scheme of things? Do we truly want her for as she is now, or how she was before?

“You think we don’t care?”

“Not necessarily. I think you care for a woman who’s no longer there. What do you know of her now that isn’t something from before? Wooyoung called her peach with such ease, Hongjoong called her his sea. Nothing that we have done thus far is for the woman in front of us now. We have wrecked her life so that we ourselves can live in a falsehood. The only reason we still tolerate each other after decades of fighting is because we have her as the reward at the end. You may consider me wrong, fine. But I’m not deluded into this fantasy that you’ve all formed.”

Mingi looks at Yeosang sitting on the rock. He looks tired for an immortal, eyes heavy, skin paler from lack of blood supply. It’s strange that despite all his words Mingi can tell that he loves her. He was never this passionate about Rose, never this protective over her well-being. In a bizarre way, the man sitting in front of him may love you more entirely. No one fights for a life this desperately without love.

“You adore her, don’t you, Yeo?” Mingi asks softly. His brows seem to furrow in pain at the question, mouth opening and closing. He takes a long breath, gaze on the city in front of them. “What will you do, then? Let us turn her?”

“... I can’t stop it.”

“You’d give up so easily?” Mingi’s brow lifts.

“Have you? You tell me to do something you know I cannot, and complain about me being resigned in my position? And make it into my problem when you're as concerned as I?" He scoffs, sinking deeper into his seat. "Mingi, you've lived long and have known me well enough to not ask stupid questions."

"I'm accepting it because I don't see another way," he admits. "You wish to no longer be immortal, but I can't imagine not being one. I can't imagine being a human again. And I can't imagine losing her because of it. It's horrid, no need to look at me like that."

Yeosang tries to fix his expression, only twisting further into silent disgust. He looks away from his friend. The sky seems more interesting than the conversation they're having. "I'm glad you know how stupid you sound."

"I know. Might be because we're all slowly falling into our madness without you around."

"Shiny words won't make me come back."

"...She needs you, Yeosang. More than you know. I think you're the only one who can pull her out of this."

"Nothing you say is going to make me want to come back—"

"She asked for you."

Yeosang is silent. It feels like a lifetime has passed when he speaks up again.

"Lying is a sin."

"Then my words must make me all the more blessed."

Yeosang grips the railing, "Did she truly, Mingi? You aren't fibbing this time? Hongjoong didn't put you up to this?"

"No. Yeosang, you're a fuck-up just like the rest of us. But she loves you. She wouldn't give up on you."

Yeosang sucks in a breath, turning back to the grave. He lifts his hand, as if to reach out. Instead, it limply falls back to his knee.

"I love her, Mingi. I love y/n, I probably love her more than I've ever loved Rose. And it fucking terrifies me," he runs his fingers through his hair, only causing it to stick up more. "I can't see her because I will break down. I don't know what I'll do if she doesn't forgive me. I don't even deserve to be forgiven for killing all of those people. I—" He looks at Mingi, eyes glazed over with a pink tint. "I would try to turn her right then and there to make her forget."

“You wouldn’t.”

“And I would have believed that before everything happened. Now I’m not too sure. It might be what Hongjoong is banking on. Me losing control like I always do. I can’t, Mingi. I can’t see her when I’m like this,” he glances down at himself, thumbing his soiled clothes. “Even more so with this on me. It’ll just remind her of what I’ve done.”

“One, you’re not going to hurt her,” Mingi holds up his hand when he sees Yeosang opening his mouth. “And two, take a shower?”

"Mingi…"

"Prolonging it will only make it worse in the end. Don't be a fool, Yeosang. We already have enough of those around us, including me."

Yeosang turns back to the headstone, a solemn look on his face. "Rose would strangle us all if she knew what we're doing. In moments like this, I cannot help but miss her presence. She was often kind but stern with her words. I am sure all of us would have been scolded to the ends of the Earth."

Mingi's lips curve into a small smile. "We'd leave with burning ears and ringing heads."

Yeosang laughs then, shaking his head. His smile slips again, swallowing slowly. "I'll think about it, Mingi. I know you're not lying, and she requested me. But though she is ready, I'm not. Not yet."

"Then I will stay with you until you are."

"You don't have to do that," he glances at him. "I know you dread this place."

Mingi only sinks to his knees next to his friend, resting against the side of the large rock. Yeosang does not discourage him, allowing him to join as they stare at the stone.

At their Rose.

-

You can't remember how much time has passed. Sadness burdens your soul, your feet dragging against the tiles, barely acknowledging anyone who passed by. Holding back your tears each time you think of your friend. It's enough that you've broken down in front of them, it would be silly for it to happen over and over again. Your pride speaking, but it's all you have left.

You feel the air shift as you're shifting your blankets on the bed. Your grip tightens when you sense someone standing at the doorway. They've announced themselves each time, but this feels much different. You slowly let go of the sheets, turning around. His hair is in disarray, baggy sweats covering him. Eyes bloodshot, skin paler than usual. Frightened as well, hand gripping the doorway, fingers almost digging into the wood. His body trembles, lip between his teeth as he stares.

"Yeosang?" Your voice is rough, eyes moist.

His smile is slight, swallowing slowly.

"Hi, pretty."

He steps inside, sliding his hand against the wall. He stops when he's on the far opposite wall, glancing around your room. It's in as much disarray as he looks. Clothes thrown everywhere, items in the wrong places. His eyes stay on the window briefly, the bars against it making his brows furrow for a moment, before relaxing.

"I heard about your friend."

You slowly nod, sinking into the mattress. "It hurts, Yeo."

"I know." His head tilts. "It must hurt plenty."

"Unbelievably so," you whisper, looking away from him. "I think… I should be used to hurting. It's happened for a while now. But everytime I think about it I just, I can't. I never got to say goodbye."

"You love her."

You force out a laugh, "Yeah, despite all of the shit I read. I can't help but still love her. I have so many questions I can't ask and it feels like… I don't know."

"A hole. One you can't ever fill because she's gone," he rests his hands above where his heart should be, blinking slowly. "And you relive the moment you last saw her over and over again in your head, trying to make sense of it all but you can't because grief is just too hard."

The familiar tightness in your chest twists inside of you as he speaks. He looks at you, understanding. You can't respond, a sob waiting to escape.

"Tell me where it hurts, pretty. You can point to it if you want."

You hover your hand over your chest, lightly resting it against your skin. Yeosang takes a slow step toward you. He's still trembling, one hand tucked into his pocket. He looks at you before he touches you, a silent question in his eyes. You nod, and he places his hand upon yours. It's quite cold in comparison to yours, the beating of your heart filling your ears.

Kang Yeosang slowly crouches in front of you, gaze and head moving to meet your eyes. "I'm here."

It's enough for the sob to leave your mouth, your hand entwining with his as you let go. You've found it so hard to walk through everyday, you dreaded the moments when you were alone. Your grief grew so heavy inside of you it felt as if you were becoming numb. But he says two words to you with such ease, and you fall apart.

It utterly terrifies you.

Hours must have passed, the exhaustion of your sadness guiding you back beneath your sheets. Yeosang does not dare touch you, but he stays just a couple of feet away, Head resting on his forearm as he watches you from your bed. Neither of you have said a word for quite a while now. You wonder if he is waiting for you to speak up, or will he do it on his own. There's several questions you'd like to ask, but now being with him, you no longer have the will to.

He adjusts himself in the cushion seat, pushing strands away from his forehead. "I could remember the first night that I lost Rose. I was inconsolable. All of them were too stricken with their own grief to help me with mine which I cannot blame. I starved myself over and over again to the brink of becoming solidified, but one of them fed me blood, enough to keep me alive. After about a decade or so… I expressed my grief in a way I hate to speak about. One that you witnessed not too long ago," His eyes shift to yours. "There is no right way to process it, but there are wrong ways. I have taken the wrong path more times than I can count. Sorry wouldn't work in a situation like this."

You can't speak up, the blood covered hall flashing in your memory. You've suppressed enough so that you're able to sleep, at least. "Do you often express extreme emotions this way?" You ask.

He covers his face with his hands. "I haven't in decades. This is… an outlier. I shouldn't have done it, but seeing you there in the midst of it all, it made me realize how far I've lost myself. I let my mind sink into the primal urges. I let myself get that bad, y/n. Forgiveness is not what I can ask of you, and neither could I tell their families I was the one who broke them." He swallows slowly. "I can remember their faces, the glimpses of fear. And it hurts to say that I cannot give much remorse because I know of what they've done. I know the lives that were lost because of their greed. Their faces are burned into my mind. Each and every life I took."

A pause.

"I am the monster I've always thought I was."

Comfort is not what you can offer in this situation, nor forgiveness. Trusting the judicial system is not something you believe in either, but neither is mass murder. You can only nod, shifting your eyes away from him. "You made a decision that you thought was right at the time. I cannot fault you for it." What the hell are you saying? He murdered people. You should be running out that door, not chatting it up. But all your mind could think of is helping him. Letting him know you're not giving up on him.

Perhaps he isn't the only monster in the room.

"I wish I could hate you," you confess. "I really wish I could sit here and say that I hate you and I want to never see you again. And I hate it even more that I can't. I can't hate you, Yeosang," you whisper. "You've lived a life you never wanted, you've done things because of it. It's inexcusable, but it's not surprising given the circumstances."

"y/n…" He starts, but you interrupt.

"All I can think about is that you're safe, Yeo. You're back, and you're safe. And I get to see you again. I don't know what to do about what you've done, but I'm just happy that you're here with me. That you didn't leave me."

"We're both a little fucked in the head, aren't we?"

You snort at the harsh words. “A little is an understatement.”

He leans back, staring at you. It’s not an uncomfortable silence, until he notices you look away, rubbing your arms. He closes his eyes, humming. “Mingi came to me. Told me to come back.”

“Where were you?”

His lip lifts, “At Rose’s grave. We don’t often visit it because of the harsh memories, but I like to. Gives me a chance to clear my head, think things through.”

“You can speak to the dead?”

He laughs, “No. I can speak to a stone though. She’s likely scolding us for how we’re acting.”

“Would she?”

He nods immediately. “No hesitation. She hated when we did stupid things, moreso things like this. I wouldn’t believe alive if she were here. She would…” he paused for a moment. “She would hate what we’ve done to you.”

Your smile fades the same time as his, the room shifting into a silence. It’s not as comfortable as before, his words forcing you to confront what’s happening right in front of you.

-

“She trusts him.”

“It was broken when she saw him hurt those people.”

“Was it really broken? Do you truly believe that she would ask for him to see her if it were true?”

“Then what do you want me to do, San? Stop them from seeing each other? I’ve done that endlessly, since the beginning. And it’s like it no longer matters because she will find a way to see him again. It’s just as it was before. Trying to separate them will only lead to her end. And I’m not sure if I can handle losing her again,” Wooyoung shakes his head slowly. “I’m not sure any of us could handle it again.”

“What do you propose?” San swallows slowly. Wooyoung doesn’t notice how San’s voice weakens a bit, glancing flicking up before looking back at him. “Joong isn’t going to be happy. He wants there to be difficulty in reconciling between them. But they’re inside chatting it up as if nothing happened.”

Wooyoung glances up from his spot on the bench, the curtains to your room closed. It’s been a while since Yeosang came back, the two of you inside the room for several hours now. Despite having the ability to listen he didn’t this time, knowing that it would hurt you even more. Getting on your good side is hard, but he’s willing to do whatever it takes. And if that means being unable to interfere with Yeosang, then so be it.

“I’m not going to do it.”

“Wooyoung…”

“San, I’m not doing this anymore. I can’t. She already hates me for doing it before.”

“Then this won’t change anything.”

Wooyoung slowly shakes his head, “San…”

“Do you expect her to just forgive you? She’s not going to forgive the man who destroyed her love’s life. You turned Yeosang, remember? You were the one who made him this way because of your jealousy. She saw it in her head. She won’t forget it.”

Wooyoung presses his hands over his ears, nails digging into his scalp. “San, please—”

“She won’t ever love you.”

“Stop!” Wooyoung stands, pushing past his friend and entering the house. He disappears within an instant, leaving him alone to stand outside. San’s express drops, fingers dragging through the loose strands that frame his face. His eyes flick up to Hongjoong’s balcony. Said man stands there, tending to a cigarette. His grin is wide as he looks at San, a light laugh escaping him.

San could only give him a pathetic smile back and enters the house a few seconds after Wooyoung.

-

The conversation with Yeosang ended there with him mumbling an excuse to leave. You confronted him just as he was about to go, your eyes asking if this were the last time you’d see him. He pressed his lips to your knuckles just then, a soft I won’t leave you anymore falling from his lips before he disappeared down the hall. And he kept his promise since then.

You left your room often now, the others roaming around the hallways. Vastly different from before, greetings exchanged, laughs echoed. It was as comfortable as it could be. You even laughed at something Jongho said to Mingi while they were arguing, and his eyes lit up at the sound. Sure, it was brief and you immediately shifted your gaze, but it was something to him. And if that was the beginning of you forgiving him, he was going to accept it.

Surprisingly, to everyone else and yourself, you slowly began speaking to Hongjoong. At first it was very brief, good mornings and goodnights in the beginning. But now, you let him sit beside you while a movie played in the living room. You even let him serve you dinner. Astonishing, the others knowing that his cooking skills were sub-par in comparison to so many of the other men. Hongjoong took it well, each step in your relationship seemed to build it closer to a good one.

You, of course, did not feel the same.

Each building block is a seed planted in his head. To bring you closer to him, so that he trusts you. Trust you enough to where you can get close.

Close enough to kill him.

The plan isn’t foolproof, you’re sure there’s a part of him that suspects it’s a ruse. There’s no forgetting the dozens of times you’ve told him that you would never be anything to him, that you’ll hate him as long as you live. But maybe if you go slow, if you let a few months pass, you’ll convince even him. It’s a long shot, no telling, but you have to try.

It’s been a couple of months now living with them. You thought you’d hate every moment being there, but unfortunately, that’s not the case. Your laughter and humor is real, the smiles you exchange with everyone are genuine. More often than not you remind yourself why you’re still there, what you’re doing. But most days you forget, enjoying your time spent with them. How easily have you fallen underneath their web.

“Another?” Mingi whines, scrolling through his calendar. “I thought we limited shows to Fridays only?”

“Unlike you,” Yunho wiggles his finger. “Some of us like to feed more than once a week.”

“Then I can stay?” his eyes brighten, only to be shut down by Hongjoong entering the room.

“No, you can’t. Jongho needs someone to guard with him and make sure things are okay while we’re feeding. And you stayed home with my sea last week.”

Mingi throws his head back in utter agony, pout deepening. You watch them, eating your apple. Wooyoung gave up on buying peaches and you’re more than thankful for his change of heart. Hongjoong leans against the wall, glancing at you. There’s something there, something you can’t quite decipher.

“But no one has fed in a while. Any of us,” San points out, glancing around the room. “We should all go.”

“You all can go,” Hongjoong says, shrugging. “I’ll stay with y/n. We have some things to discuss.”

The others look at you, questions in their eyes. You’ve immediately learned their different expressions. These are of worry, and confusion. You don’t trust Hongjoong, you never will… But you know he wouldn’t kill you. At least, not right now. You hope.

“Fine with me,” you continue to eat your snack. “I’ll see you all later, then?”

Mingi’s dragged out of the seat by Yunho, the others slowly disappearing to their designated rooms, getting dressed for the concert. Hongjoong lingers in the kitchen with you, humming. He opens the fridge, tsking at the lack of food inside. “I told Seonghwa to go shopping.”

“No big deal,” you murmur. “I’ll be going out soon enough with him. It was supposed to be today, but I guess it’ll happen tomorrow.” The others pass by again, waving goodbye as they leave. Eventually the two of you are alone, Hongjoong exiting the kitchen.

“Didn’t you want to speak to me about something?” you ask just as he’s about to disappear down the hallway. He glances back, shaking his head.

“I just wanted to be alone with you. A bit greedy, that’s all,” he flicks his brows up, waving goodbye. “Have a good night, my sea.” With that, he exits, leaving you alone in the kitchen. It's an open invitation to follow.

One that you take.

You close the door behind you to his room. You haven't entered it at all. It's similar in size to everyone else's, his bed slighter larger in comparison, a balcony just a few steps away from it. He moves quickly, pressing you against the door frame. Your breath hitches, his lips trailing along the back of your neck.

“Do you even like me?”

Hongjoong’s hand slides up your arm, leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake. He turns you around. He rests just below your cheek, tilting your head towards him so as to guide your gaze to his. Despite how warm his eyes look, you can see the tightness in his jaw, the resolute tilt of his lips. He blinks slowly, humming as his thumb trails along your face. “Shall I slay every person who has ever looked at you with disdain to prove it?”

You laugh, though knowing the truth behind his words. There’s no doubt in your mind that he would in fact listen if you asked him to do so. But you play it off as if he’s facetious, shaking your head. “I asked if you liked me, not for you to murder in my name.”

“I would give you anything, my sea. Of course I like you.”

You wonder if he believes his own words.

“I’m just waiting for you to say you like me.”

“Unlikely,” you snort, placing your hand on his. You hear his breath hitch, eyes flicking to your touch. You never noticed how easily it was to make him off balance, lose his nonchalance. There has been endless doubt on how much you afflicted Hongjoong, but there is little now. You would just have to persuade him that you do care, even if it is a mere fraction of his. With that in mind you move yourself off the door and walk to the mattress, ignoring the beating of your heart, nerves coating your palms as you wipe them against your thighs. You sit on the edge, his speed quickly. In a moment, he's sitting on the edge with you.

Hongjoong watches you in curious silence. Just as he’s about to leave forward, you lift your leg, straddling him. He looks up at you in mild surprise, lips parting and shutting. Leaving Kim Hongjoong astounded? Perhaps you are good at this manipulation game.

You lean forward, palms resting on either side of his face. Just a breath apart. You stare at his face, taking in each part of him. The scar of his brow, the light moles adorning his skin. The soft curve of his lips. He is beautiful, no doubt.

“I do like you, Kim Hongjoong. Despite how out of your mind you are.”

His hands go to rest on your thighs, lids heavy as he stares at you. His smile rises, gaze now on your lips. “I’ve lived with you for many lives. Each one different from the next. I’ve known your soul longer than you've known yourself. It's fairly easy to know when you’re being deceitful.”

You ignore how your body shivers as his hands travel to your hips, squeezing slightly. It’s a game he’s played for thousands of years, while you’ve only known him for less than a percentage of that. But one thing you do know: you are his weakness.

“How can I prove it?” You ask, leaning closer. Your nose brushes against Hongjoong, a shuddered breath escaping his lips. His grip tightens on your hips, pressing you harshly against him. He presses against your lower stomach, hard against your softer skin.

“You tell me.”

"Have you ever…?" You trail off.

He rolls his eyes. "I've fucked before, love. Just never with you. Something always seemed to get in the way. You dying, mostly. But I have never made love." His lip brushes against your forehead.

"I don't love you," You murmur, and he only laughs.

"Even you aren't a good enough liar to convince me otherwise. But all I ask is one thing from you." He watches your gaze, hand dragging along your body, before touching your face. “I want you to be mine,” his fingers release your chin, slowly wandering along the outline of your jaw.

“All yours?” you breathe.

“Mine,” he agrees with a whisper so low that you feel it all the way down to your pelvis. His hand suddenly slips downward to firmly grasp the back of your neck, pressure light. “Let me be yours.” The feelings that stir in you now as his head tilts to the side and he wets his bottom lip are separate from anything that may be fearful — and that’s the thought that terrifies you. There’s no use in saying that you’re not attracted to him; you always have been. The realization that you're beneath him now, after so long of resisting and fighting the temptation — you can’t deny the frantic pounding of your heart. And you wouldn't be able to fib in the slightest, Hongjoong can feel it as it goes anyway.

“You’ve tortured me for so long,” he leans closer to you, free hand resting on the side of your body, trapping you beneath him. “I have to admit that I’m shocked to see you beneath me this way. Is this unwanted?” he asks softly, eyes flicking between yours. “Despite my desires, I wouldn’t want this to be forced.”

You have an agenda. And a small part of you feels as if he might know what it is. But the way he’s looking at you now, a glimmer of hope shines beneath it.

“No,” you reply. With that, he takes your mouth with his own. His soft lips press ardently against yours, desire spilling each time he slightly pulls away. Your hands slide into his hair, body relaxing into the mattress. You part your lips, his tongue seeking out yours whilst he grabs a hold of your thigh to drag both your legs closer to him He lies himself on top of you, and all the while his darkened eyes never once leave yours, his jaw tensed but breathing heavy.

As Hongjoong delves back in, his tongue rolls inside your mouth and he lets out a low-pitched groan, your body arching up into his palm that begins to fondle your breast through your shirt. He sucks your bottom lip between his teeth, tugging harshly as his hand grips the top of your shirt. Fabric rips and exposes your bra, he scoops your breast from the cup, a relieved sigh escaping him.

“You're so soft.”

“Joong,” you whimper, front teeth sinking deep into your lip, fingers grabbing at the soft white cotton that covers his shoulders.

Hongjoong's face lightens up at the sound of his name escaping your lips, dipping to his head to encircle the entirety of your nipple with his mouth. He sucks, gently circling his tongue around and smiling when you moan.

His warm hand reaches for the opposite side of your chest and cups you, switching his mouth to the other, biting and tugging. Just as you're about to say his name again he presses himself into you, his hardness pushing harshly into your pelvis. He doesn’t stop sucking until you're twisting on the bed.

“In awe," you hear him say. You meet his eyes, “You haven't the slightest inkling how long I've waited for you, my sea. I wish I could spend all night with you. Unfortunate that you have to be somewhere in the morning.”

Your brows furrowed in confusion. "Where—"

He interrupts, slowly lifting your shirt up and over your head, hand only giving a slight tug to your pants, the tear echoing through the air as he tosses them to the side. You could only pout, your pile of fabric, one of your favorite sleepwears.

"I'll give you the world, y/n. No need to worry about a couple of pieces of clothing." Unlike the others you have been with, his touch is softer, slowly rubbing the plushness of your thighs, lips trailing delicate, wet kisses against the skin.

“Please,” you moan softly, peering down. Hongjoong looks up with a devilish curl to his lips, his smile to die for.

“Yes?” he replies, mock innocence coating his gaze.

“Please touch me, Joong.”

After having fought against Hongjoong’s yearning for you for close to a year, it feels more than off to let these words escape your lips. Your body is practically on display beneath him, his lids heavy with lust as they take you in. He seems to enjoy the moment differently than you, for many reasons you'd rather not dwell on for long. Hee slides it down to the middle of your legs, hot breath tickling your skin. You can feel how your underwear clings to you because of your arousal, almost forgotten from how his eyes seem to want to take you apart.

“All for me?” he groans as his fingertips slip into you, pressing kisses to the angle of your jaw. “So wet.” Hongjoong traces the outline of you, brushing teasingly over your clit. “I must admit, it feels good knowing this is all for me.”

You say nothing, only meeting his eyes with want in your gaze. He licks his lips, head tilting slightly as he stares at you.

“I know, my sea. I always knew.”

He knows nothing.

He hooks his finger on the fabric lining your hips, a quick tug ripping it with ease. You throb at the act. His body pressed to yours and his fingers hovering so close to you —

How easy it is to succumb to him.

"I've been waiting centuries, lovely," Hongjoong whispers against your skin. "It's made me a bit needy, you know. But I need to know if you want me as I want you. y/n," his hand raises to your face, tilting it so that you meet his gaze. "Do you want me?"

Making the decision to go through with this, to let him take you now — some part of you knows it isn't the wisest decision. It will only make your choice of killing him more difficult down the line. But if this is what it takes to have Hongjoong believe your every word, you'll do it. An even smaller part of you knows that despite everything, you want this. You want him. It feels as if hours have passed of your silence, Hongjoong neither getting closer to the center of you or moving his hand from your face. He waits patiently, just as he has waited for a time incomprehensible to you.

"I want you, Kim Hongjoong."

You see the shift in his gaze in an instant. His brown irises slowly fade, eyes glistening over to a pure white. The sight doesn't scare you as much as it entices you. If you weren't in the heat of the moment you'd scold yourself at how ridiculous you're being.

His fingers slowly rub circles into your clit, pressure increases each time he makes each round. Your hips grind into the movements, a silent plea for him to pick up the pace. He doesn't of course, the devilish grin of his widening as he studies you. You've noticed that he's rarely ever left your gaze, as if memorizing this moment, solidifying this as your choice. And it is, in the end. He's asked several times if you want him. If it's a manipulation technique you aren't the wiser.

You feel his middle finger slip next to the first, lightly squeezing your clit, picking up speed and you let out a low moan, head tipping back, finally breaking the stare.

"All for me," he whispers. "Don't hide your moans from me, my sea. I know it feels good, yeah. Want more?" One of his fingers slips down, dragging around the outline of your entrance. He dips it in barely a centimeter, a stifled laugh escaping him when he sees you clench. "Do you?"

“Please.”

He clicks his tongue, running his fingers back up to your clit, pressing down, hard. You cover your mouth with your hand, unable to control the sounds he pulls from you.

"Ah ah," He moves it away, pressing his lips to your fingers briefly. "If I could listen to the others take you, they can listen to us. They all hear us, you know. Amplified hearing comes with the territory."

Despite how your heart races, you clench at the thought of the others listening, Hongjoong's gaze flicking between your legs.

"Oh, you enjoy that, huh? Enjoy us listening to you have sex with someone else, thinking about us coming to your moans with someone else's cock inside of you?" He presses his lips against your stomach. "Wooyoung and Mingi like it the most. They're probably touching themselves right now listening to us." You clench again. "How filthy of my pretty sea."

"Joong—"

He slips two fingers inside of you. "Tsk, so impatient."

Hongjoong is halfway down the sofa, face placed between your legs. Palms flat against the inside of your thighs to spread you wide, his nose dug deep into, a cry escaping from your throat when his mouth covers your clit. You feel his tongue circle it slowly, your fists tightening. The pleasure is all-encompassing — he sucks noisily at the sensitive nub, your fists unclenching and finding themselves in his hair, pushing him closer into you.

He licks at you hungrily, your gaze flicking to his free hand slipping inside his own pants. “Fuck…” he whispers against you, diving back in as soon as the word leaves his mouth. He groans, the flat of his tongue pressed to your entrance as his face slowly rocks from side to side.

“Please,” the feeling of him takes over, your hips rising to meet each swipe of his tongue. The impending release is near, enough so that you’re not able to warn him. Your body trembles, your fingers gripping his hair so tightly you’re sure you’ve pulled out a few strands, his tongue continuing to lap at your core. It starts to linger into the range of oversensitivity, your hands pulling away from his hair and instead, hips moving away from his tongue. He chases you, pushing himself deeper into you.

“I can’t—” you say, but the words seem to go into one ear and out the other. He continues to lick, lips wrapped around your clit. He refuses to let go even as you lean up, his hands gripping your thighs, unmoving. “Hongjoong—” your eyes finally meet his.

They’re completely white as they stare at you. You can see the lift of his cheeks, smiling into you as he sucks. His hands move from your thighs to your hips, pulling you closer into his mouth. He lifts it for just a moment, enough to say one word. “No.”

The break is brief. Hongjoong covers your clit with his plush lips once more, sucking hard. He continues like this for over a minute, watching as tears stain your cheeks. The oversensitivity slowly molds into pleasure, your hips humping against his mouth. Your chest rises and falls, your peak coming much quicker this time. He pushes three fingers into you in an instant, a scream escaping you. He chuckles into you, his mouth finally away from your clit.

“Come for me, my sea. I want to see you come again for me,” he whispers. He doesn’t touch your clit, fingers pumping in and out of you with abandon, the sounds echoing around the room. “Come on, I know you can do it.”

You feel the pads of his fingers touch the spot inside of you, your breath hitching. He keeps them there, rubbing quickly against the rough patch. In an instant your thighs clasp his hand within you, humping violently as you lose yourself. He leans against your stomach, resting his head against your plush skin, watching you.

“Never thought you would be prettier, but look at you. Coming all over me, fucking my fingers.”

You can’t respond to his words, eyes closed as you try to come down from your high. He pulls his fingers out, the sound of him sucking them alluring, but not enough to open your eyes. He pulls you closer to him, finger dragging back to your clit. You pull back in an instant, eyes flicking open. He laughs, grin stretching across his cheeks.

“Already done?”

“Too much…” you swallow. He moves away from your clit at your words, placing his hand just above your chest where your heart lies. He moves up from your legs, head falling on the mattress, eyesight steady with yours. Despite how blown out his eyes are, despite how you can clearly see how aroused he is by the hardness pressed against your upper thigh, he hums, expression softening.

“Okay?” he whispers. For some reason the way he’s looking at you, the love in his eyes… it bothers you. Not because it’s ingenuine, you can see how real the look is. It terrifies you that the look calms you down, settles your heart. That you yearn for him to look at you again just as softly, as kind.

The voice deep in the back of your mind telling you that this wasn’t the smartest idea.

But of course, you ignore it. Out of selfishness or greed, you're not too sure. Hongjoong’s fingers stroke your cheek, humming when you lean into his touch. “You’re pretty,” he murmurs, thumb wiping the tear that falls down. “Even when you cry.”

He leans forward, lips covering yours. The touch is softer, you can feel the emotion he draws into it, tongue lightly flicking yours, the taste of you filling your mouth. Suddenly it’s sweeter, almost strawberry like as you continue to kiss. You don’t notice how you suddenly take the lead, sucking his lips, entering his mouth. He giggles at your movements, hands moving to pull your hips closer against his.

“Taste good?” he pulls away, laughing.

Your cheeks warm when you’ve realized what you’ve done, pulling away. A string of saliva parting your lips. He pecks you quickly, head back against the sheets. “Hm?”

Realizing he asked you a question, you furrow your brows. “How’d you do that?”

His eyes roll, “I’m a vampire, I can do anything I’d like.”

“You’re so fucking annoying.” You frown, and his laugh is even louder.

“And yet here you are,” he moves from his spot to hover over you. He’s pulled off his pants and briefs before you’ve realized it, the length of him resting against your stomach. He grinds it lightly into you, lip between his teeth. “Here you are under me, wanting me.” Holding himself up with one hand, he uses the other to squeeze himself, the sight making your mouth water.

“Thought you were done?” his brows raise, amusement coating his expression. “Unless you want more?” He moves away from you, sliding off the bed. He holds his cock in his hand, languidly stroking it as he stares at you. “Want to taste me?”

Your eyes flick up from his movements to look at his face. His brow raised, he waits for a response. Seemingly unable to respond, he moves closer, body leaning over so he’s directly in your line of sight. “I said, do you want to taste me, my sea?”

You nod, and he moves even closer, hand cupping your chin. You open your mouth now, “I do.”

He nods, letting go. “Go ahead.”

He moves slowly, steps closer and closer to you. Though he seems to be calm, you can see the way eagerness lines his features. He pulls off his shirt, tossing it to the side. You notice a few scars and tattoos on his body, a belly button piercing shining at you in the lower light. His fingers wrap around the base. He’s longer than you thought, but not as thick as you’ve once experienced. Still, your mouth can’t help but water.

“Open, pretty,” he murmurs. You open your mouth slightly, jaw lax. He rests his head against your lips, bending his cock toward you. He lets it sit there for a moment, his breaths heavy, precum coating your lips. His eyes stare at your mouth as he finally enters your mouth inch by inch, moaning when he finally enters. He continues, stopping when you gag. He twitches against your tongue, your eyes watering as you look up at him. His eyes seem to be glossed over, holding your head as he moves out. He moves slowly, in and out, hips rocking back and forth between your lips. You suck and lick, guarding your teeth to make sure you don’t hurt him, the weight of him against your tongue and angling your throat so that he can enter even more.

He groans, speed increasing. “You take me so well, look so good with my cock in your mouth.” Hongjoong pushes your head against him, your nose pressed to his pubic bone. He moves back a bit as you choke, whispering okays and telling you you’re taking him so well. Your hands wrap around his thighs as he fucks your mouth, your throat burning. You feel yourself clenching around nothing. He moves quicker, grinding into your mouth. Your hand reaches down to touch yourself.

He pulls out immediately, grabbing your wrist gently. He clicks his tongue, shaking his head. “Only I get to touch you my sea.” He lets go, lightly nudging you back against the sheets. “Ready for me.”

“Fuck, yes,” you utter, and he only laughs.

“Scream loud for me, so the others know you’re being cared for well,” he grins. Hongjoong’s hips move forward into you without hesitation. Just as a moan tries to escape, he wraps his hand around your throat. His eyes stay on yours, looking to see if you’re uncomfortable. But all he sees is your eyes rolling back, his excitement increasing. He presses his lips against your cheek, moving to the side of your face, just next to your ear.

“Feel good, pretty? You like me inside of you, like me making love to you,” he bites your earlobe, pulling away. “You feel so good, so relaxed for me. Perfect.” Hongjoong eases himself out to slowly to sink back in, moving at a slower pace, the witch of his cock as it glides between your walls. “I’ve waited so long for this, Ca… y/n.”

His hips stutter as he gradually builds speed, grunting each time your hips collide. You reach for anything, deciding on wrapping your arms around his neck, pulling him closer. He doesn’t resist, his chest pressed against yours, lips meeting one another’s. You’re too consumed with pleasure to notice the slip of tongue. He drives his cock into you, angling his hips directly at your g-spot. He releases your throat, one of his hands reaches for the headboard, driving into you harder, ”You take it so well.”

“Please,” your fingers dig into the back of his neck, piercing his skin. His eyes shift, darkening. The frame of the bed begins to bang loudly against the wall as his speed and force increases. He lets go of the board, gripping your hips and pulling them into each thrust of his. He fucks you harder, hip bones digging into your thighs. He swipes your hand away when you try to rub your clit. Shaking his head.

“You can come without touching yourself.”

“I can’t,” you cry out, trying to reach again. He tsks, pushing it away.

“Come from my cock only, y/n. I know you can do it.”

Your head tips back, the burning of your clit, begging to be touched. You focused on how he feels, how his cock drags against your walls. Just as you think you’re unable to do it, Hongjoong leans forward, teeth grazing your neck.

“Maybe I can help you out, want me to help you out, pretty? Want me to taste you?” His tongue drags against your pulsing vein. You nod without knowing what exactly he means, until his teeth sink into your flesh. You gasp from pain and pleasure,

The head of his cock pushes harshly into you as you cry out, his name spilling from your lips over and over as your orgasm takes over you, you clawing at his biceps in an attempt to hold yourself together. Hongjoong licks your wound, pulling away from you, breaths ragged.

Before you can come down from your high, in a matter of seconds the head of Hongjoong’s cock is inside you once more and you’re being fucked into the mattress, the movement of his hips frantic enough that you know you’ll be sore for several days.

“Fuck,” Hongjoong groans, snapping against you and making you bounce. “Want my come, pretty? Want me to come inside of you?” Hongjoong moans at the feeling of you clenching around him.

“Please, Hongjoong, please,” you gasp.

You hear him groan in response to your words as he presses his chest into yours, and all the while he continues to push inside of you you can feel his cock beginning to throb. His movements begin to falter, his breath heavy against your neck and you screw your eyes shut even tighter as you rock your hips upwards from underneath him to push him to new depths, urging him on. “Joong, please come. ”

“My sea,” he pants as his thrusts become shallow and hurried, his fingertips digging into the mattress to anchor himself, “Fuck.”

Finally, Hongjoong comes,, his hips pressing into you and then staying right there, buried deep within you. His fingers relax slightly from around your throat to allow you to drag in a deep, ragged breath, but Hongjoong keeps his hold. Chest still heaving against yours, you feel his lips come into contact with your cheek to press a soft kiss there, nuzzling your cheekbone for just a second before uttering into your ear.

“Look at me, my sweet sea.”

Your eyes open. His smirk is wide now, eyes crazed. You remember this exact look, one from the visions that you've seen. The one where Rose died beneath Jongho’s hands. Anxiety begins to rattles your body, the cloud of lust seeping away as it only seems to grow more sinister. He leans close to your ear, his soft lips brushing against the skin. It is only six words, but it brings the fear up too high for you to ignore.

"I know."

The stifling hot room suddenly grows colder.

"I know you lied."

His hand slowly wraps around your neck, fingers pressing into the flesh. It’s not enough to cause you to stop breathing, but enough so that you start to panic as he stares down at you. He does a test squeeze once, a breathy laugh escaping his lips.

“Hongjoong—”

“Why would you try to trick me, my sea?” His brows furrow, hurt etched into his features. “Lead me on to think that somewhere deep inside of you, you cared for me? Why plant a fallacy in my mind? Why make me suffer?” He shakes his head. You feel his thumb press into the base of your neck, nail slowly digging. He hasn’t pierced your skin yet, but it’s close. “Speak.”

“To convince you—”

“To convince me that you care?” He finishes, and you nod. “I know you don’t care for me, y/n. I’ve known with each thrust, each moan of my name. I know what you look like when you make love, y/n. And I know what you’ve just done was anything but that,” he leans closer, his tongue dragging along your collarbone. “I know because I saw the others with you. They aren’t the only ones who enjoy the show,” he grins.

“You weren’t there—”

He agrees, humming, “I wasn’t. The good thing about turning, though. Their thoughts are no longer their own, their eyes are mine. I saw everytime someone entered you,” he lets his free hand cup your center, “I felt what they felt.” He slips a finger inside of you, “I saw your eyes roll back for them—” he moves it slowly, squeezing your throat tighter “—I saw you each time you lost yourself in them. Yunho,” he slips in another finger. “Mingi, oh that one was interesting—” his pace increases. “Wooyoung… poor him, he couldn’t even watch.”

He adds two more fingers within an instant, “And how could I forget the last one? Your Yeosang, your pretty, pitiful Yeosang. He’s always wanted you so badly, always wants to save you…” Hongjoong thumb rubs your clit, pace quickening. “He can’t even save himself…”

The door to the room opens, Hongjoong not bothering to turn around to see who it is.

“I didn’t ask you to come in,” Hongjoong hums, pulling his fingers out of you. He grabs the blanket on the side, covering your body with it, hand letting go of your neck. Your chest rises and falls, moving your gaze around him to see who's entered.

San and Yeosang stand there. It's too dark to see what they're wearing, but you're pretty sure it's the outfits from the concert tonight. Has time passed that quickly? You can still feel his fingers around your neck, anger between his words. If they didn't come in… if you weren't so involved… you're not too sure you would have lived.

Yeosang moves closer first, "You're going too far, hyung."

He leans up from the bed, not bothering to cover himself up. San lingers just behind Yeosang, eyes glued to your neck.

"Sad you couldn't join? I never interrupted the two of you, you should give me the same consideration."

"You were killing her, you were going to kill her." Yeosang looks at you, brows furrowed. "I wouldn't let you do that."

He stands, rolling his eyes. He grabs his briefs from the side, slowly pulling it up and over himself. "I was having fun, not killing her. The two of you need to relax a bit. Why would I dare hurt my sea?"

"The blood in her mouth? We can see it on her lips, Hongjoong. We aren't that ignorant."

You wipe your lips, staring at the blood coating your fingers when you pull away. You don't even remember when exactly he did it, or how. Was he going to kill you? Were you so filled with arousal you didn't even think about what was happening? Was that the sweet taste in your mouth? His blood? Your stomach turns at the thought. Hongjoong looks back at you. His white pupils are gone. replaced with the familiar brown. He raises his brow, tongue dragging across his lips. It's there where you see the cut in it.

"Tastes just like strawberries, doesn't it?"

The thought of his blood in your mouth makes you gag, rises from the sheets. You hold the blanket against you, reaching for the water bottle on the side table. Hongjoong grabs it before you do, taking a long drink, emptying it.

"Fuck you!" You yell, anger rising.

"y/n…" San moves closer to you. "Let's get you cleaned up, okay?"

You grab your shirt and slip it over your body, hands trembling against the fabric. San helps you, picking up your sweats from the floor and passing it to you. Yeosang moves closer to Hongjoong, fists tightened.

"You were going to kill her, just like that."

"Don't start to give me a fucking martyr speech, Yeosang. You don't even care about her."

"You—"

Hongjoong reaches out, gripping Yeosang's neck. He slams him against the wall behind him, a scream leaving your mouth. San stands in front of you, hiding your body with his. He looks at Hongjoong with concern, "Hey, isn't this too much—"

"The two of you are a pair, aren't you?" Hongjoong frowns, "So hopelessly involved with y/n. At least she likes Yeosang. She barely even knows San. And here he is, fucking protecting her as if she loves him. As if she cares if he died."

The others soon appear at the door, crowding into the room. The wall behind Yeosang cracks as Hongjoong presses him deeper into it.

"Please stop," you beg, trying to get closer. San holds you back, preventing you from interfering. "He's just trying to protect me."

"If you didn't have Rose's soul he would not give a shit about you, my sea," Hongjoong looks at you, head tilted. "Your soul already saw him die once, it shouldn't matter if you see it happen again."

Yeosang looks down at him, fingers digging into Hongjoong’s hand. Eyes red, denying his words with the curl of his lips. "You'll never understand love, Joong. That's your problem."

"Enlighten me then, my friend."

Yeosang's eyes move to you, softening with such ease it breaks your heart. "Everyone knows I loved Rose, loved her more than she loved me, surely," his eyes flick back to his captain's. "And I loved her Hongjoong. I loved her with everything that I had, and I could barely function when she was gone." His voice breaks, eyes flicking between his. "But that doesn't mean I wouldn't be able to love again. She was my first love, but y/n…" His eyes move to yours, softening. The look only makes your heart crumble even more. "She is my greatest."

Your hold on San's arm loosens at his words. You love him. You've loved him, with every part of you. You love him to the brink of fear, afraid of the unknown.

"How sweet…"

He lets Yeosang go, wiping his hands on his underwear. He glances at the others around the room, frowning. "I wasn't going to kill either of them."

"Let's go, y/n," San whispers, slipping his hand into yours. Yeosang catches his breath on the floor. He lifts his head to meet yours. As if telling you everything is alright. That he's okay. San tugs again, and you follow him out the room, parting the small crowd that formed in the doorway.

-

"Do you know if she truly loved you?" It's an appalling question, one that would throw them for a loop. It seems to leave Seonghwa speechless, mouth parting to speak, closing again. "Did she love you?"

It's been over a day since the incident, Hongjoong moving around as if nothing happened. Yeosang does as well, not mentioning it at all. It was enough of a headache for you to ask Seonghwa for a break. The house feels more stuffy than usual. You sit in the park not too far from their business, swinging your legs back and forth. It was silent while you walked here, but you couldn't help but ask. They love her so dearly, so much. You doubt she felt half of what they did.

"She said she did, she told us she did. Why are you asking?"

"Because if this is the way you express that you love someone, I'm not so sure that she did. If she taught you how to love, this isn't love, Seonghwa."

"I feel like if it was anyone but you telling me this, I'd be furious," he admits, a breathy laugh escaping his lips. "If I may be forward, why do you think so?"

"I don't know," you purse your lips. "I don't know how it was for you back then, how the world was. Maybe my thoughts are more modern in comparison, but I don't think love wants to force you into this mold. If we're humans and you told me you wanted to become this, I think I would be upset for a bit, but I wouldn't tell you to stay a human because I want you to. Though back then, monsters were more of a real thought rather than folklore. I don't think it means that I wouldn't care, it just means that despite it all, I believe you'll still be the person I care for."

You glance at him, leaving out the obvious afterthought. This form changed them. You're sure that Rose died because of their choices. Because they changed. And not in a good way. Their "love" twisted into something unrecognizable, cruel, obsessive, greedy. Dangerous. Subin’s descriptions were mild in comparison to how they actually are. How could Wooyoung just kill Yeosang with ease? Hongjoong almost injuring Yeosang, attempting to turn you?

"I'm very careful when I tell someone I love them. Because for me it is an admittance that my care for you has no bounds, that with everything we will go through I will fight my hardest to make it work. I will stick by you. And I don't feel that way for most of you."

It's a lie, it's a filthy, dirty lie, but you let yourself say it anyway.

He nods slowly. His fingers slowly fold, legs crossed. "It is all a pity, then. I tried my hardest for you, doe. But it seems to be a moot end. I promised them that you would admit your love for us. Stubbornness has always been your strong suit, no matter how many years have passed by. I wanted to save you."

You look around the park. It's quieter in comparison to before. Swings empty, older couples gone. Not one soul, not even a bird chirping. It's eerie in itself. You turn to him, and he looks at you with sorrow.

"One word was all I needed."

You stand up, chest rising and falling quickly. "Hwa—"

"It's calming. Different in comparison to how we turned Rose. I hope you understand that this was a unanimous decision, doe. All of us thought this was the best way to keep you from running away."

He stands and you hold up your hands, shaking your head. "This isn't the way to get what you want, Seonghwa. Repeating the past isn't the way, you know that."

He tilts his head, a light pout decorating his lips. "This is me saving you. Can't you see it?"

You ignore his words, turning around. The closest place is the club just across the street. The one they own. Hiding is the last thing you want to do, but there’s nothing else. Maybe there’s something left over from the fight they had there weeks ago. If you could find your way through the hallways and into the back — maybe there’s a chance you can save yourself. Maybe there’s a way out.

"I'll give you a headstart, doe. At least give you some hope. Go ahead," he nods.

You don't hesitate. Your legs move quick as you run across the empty street. The door to the club is open and you enter, locking it behind you. A part of you wonders why you don't question it, but fear drives you now. You run into a side room, grabbing a knife that Subin left hidden, just before they came to save you last time.

"This will kill them," Subin says to you, dragging his finger along the blade. "It is made from the metal that killed their first love. Hongjoong would be much harder to trick, but I'm sure you can do it."

You stare at it, shaking your head. "Subin, I don't think—"

"Start thinking then, y/n. You won't be free. Not unless you accept their obsession with you, or kill them yourself. Your soul will continue to be stuck in the same perpetual nightmare. You have to stop it. You have to, y/n." His brows soften. "For every iteration of you that has died. Do it for them. Do it for you."

It's the first note that makes you stop what you're doing. You hold the knife in your hands, your grip loosening as you stare out into the hallway.

The familiar tune of the piano. Despite the name of the club you've rarely heard it — the group is a rock band, of course. So hearing the soft melody of Clair de lune echo in the dark is more than what you expect. It's a beautiful song despite this circumstance. You used to love it until this very moment — were they here the entire time? Have they watched your every move once you left Seonghwa in the park?

Were you ever truly alone?

The echo of your shoes add to the music, hushed breaths. There's no use in trying to control them, they know you're here just as you know they are.

"Must we play this game with you?"

You stop moving, gaze glued to the darkness. Your fear overrides your sense of the moment. Who was it that spoke?

"Why run? Is it not beautiful for there to be people who already love you as you are? Why would you try to escape love that is unconditional?"

Still, your mind seems unable to figure out who exactly it is. Is it some sort of talent they have, disguising their voices? Luring you deeper into the darkness? You stop moving.

"Pretty, we already know you're there. No need to try and hide."

Pretty? There's doubt that Yeosang would scare you this way, but it isn't impossible. Not after what you've witnessed at that restaurant.

"What can we do to convince you to stay?"

"Let me go," you whisper. "Finally let me go." Clair de lune rises in volume, your heartbeat throbbing in your ears. "Find someone else to love you. I will never be her."

"You are her, my sweet doe. And you always will be."

Doe? Is it Seonghwa instead? Footsteps catch your attention. They're at the far end of the hallways, slowly ascending, closer and closer to you. Risking waiting for whoever leaves the darkness isn't wise. You know that it'll only lead someone to you back in their home. Back in their arms. You slide the knife back into its place, quickly turning on your heels. You haven't had the chance to explore the club, too engrossed in them to figure out every nook and cranny. You push open a door, locking it behind you quickly. Just as you turn around, your stomach falls.

“What are you?” You say softly.

“It’s easy to guess,” Yunho shrugs.

“Shows at night. Hwa drinking blood, our cold skin. Points to only one thing.”

“We're vampires.”

It's the same room you met them. The velvety couches, the bucket of cell phones on the back table. You were full of life back then, though afraid you stood your ground. And now here you are, back in the same place as before. Will it ever end? Is this a sign that no matter what, you will always follow the same path? Your fingers brush against the knife.

Should you end it here?

"I won't let that happen again, doe," Seonghwa enters the room, hands tucked in his pockets. He moves closer and closer to your frozen figure, hand slipping down your side, pulling the knife away. He stares at it for a moment, worried expression hardening. "Who gave this to you?"

"Subin."

His eyes narrow, grip tightening. The silver bends with ease in his hands, crushed in his palm. He sighs, eyes closing for a moment. "It was the knife that killed Rose, y/n."

“Hwa, what did you do—”

“Do you think I’d allow you to hurt yourself? I said we were going to save you, and you try to do something like this?” He sighs. “We’re trying to protect you the best we can—”

“This is not protecting, Seonghwa. Both you and I know you. I expected things to be different with you. I thought you changed.” Was everything a lie? Every step of the way to get you here, in front of him, about to die?

Are you just that stupid?

“What do you want us to do? Let you die, again? We’ve already done that, y/n. I can’t wait another one hundred years for us to go through the same routine.”

“You’re selfish—”

He laughs, combing his fingers through his hair. “And what if I am, hm? It doesn’t matter; once I turn you, once you become one of us… I can make you forget.”

The same blank look in Yeosang’s eyes.

You back up away from him, gaze resting on yours. It’s not sorrowful in the slightest. It’s settling within you; you expected this eventually. The contemptment, the resignation. He will kill you. You’re not leaving this room without spilling blood. “You never believed I loved you, Seonghwa,” you whisper, back against the wall as he moves to you. “After all this time, you’ve never believed it. But I have.”

“Don’t lie,” he mumbles.

“I did love you, so much. Why do you think I’ve often come to you? I trusted you, Seonghwa. I knew you cared about me, not just my soul. It’s pathetic, really, how much I relied on someone that would go against me in the end. It’s even more pathetic that I’m not angry with you. I’m just sad.”

He shakes his eyes, fists tightening. “You’re allowed to be angry.”

“But I can’t be. I don’t think either Rose or myself was ever really angry with you.”

"You will never lose me."

You can barely make out his words, his fingers digging into yours, light sobs falling from his lips. You hold in yours, letting your forehead rest against his. It feels as if you're mourning him when he is right in front of you. The fleeting wish of knowing him sooner so that you may have spent time with him as he is now crosses your mind. And with horror, the small thought of you living as them so you can know them longer lingers.

"I love you ever so much, Seonghwa," you say. "And I will not make you listen to what I want. If this will make you happy, then I will accept your decision."

Seonghwa presses his palms against his temples, his last sincere moment with you crumbling.

“I would not have asked anyone else to be here with me when I die, Seonghwa. Please let me go.” Rose’s blood spilling onto his clothing, between his fingers. His cries echoing around the ship's chambers.

“y/n, please,” he shakes his head. “I can’t.”

Your finger slips into the hole in the wall, the cold metal of a knife resting there feels against your fingertips. Seonghwa’s back is turned to you, and you quickly pull it out, gripping the handle. Despite the fear that overwhelms you, consumes you, you do it anyway. You press it into your chest.

Exactly where the birthmark of the scar is.

The smell of blood hits him before he sees it. The pain is overbearing, your hand dropping from the handle, body limping forward, almost touching the floor. The sound of the door slamming open, wood splitting at the force. The warm touch of hands catching you just before you fall. His grip is tight, blood sputtering from your lips as you look at him.

"No, no…" His grip on your shirt is tight. You're used to the mirrored emotions, the fakeness dripping from his expression. It's nothing like now. The way he holds you, his face pressed against the fabric of your soaked shirt, sobs escaping his lips. Despite the loss of blood, despite it all, you feel your own heart breaking.

"You have to let me go, Joong," you can’t say it of course, the pain too overwhelming to speak through. "You have to."

“I can’t…” he utters. A cold touch of hands pulls you into his lap, Hongjoong letting you go. You can’t quite tell what’s happening around you, but you hear shouting, furniture breaking. Your vision begins to blur, fingers holding you close to their body. His hand covering your mouth, whispering soft words to you. You don’t feel tears against your skin, but you can feel how he holds you, hands trembling. You just wish that you knew who it was.

The knife is slowly sliding out of your chest, the pain enough to make you lose consciousness within an instant.

-

“It worked.”

“I told you it would.”

“Fuck off, San.”

“Why are you arguing in front of her? Hey pretty peach, it’ll be alright.”

“Still calling her a peach, after everything?”

“You know what-”

You gasp, leaning forward. Hands stop you from moving too quietly, soft words comforting you for the moment. Your eyes flick around, brows furrowed. Mingi, San, Yunho… Yeosang, Seonghwa, Jongho… You continue to circle through the men, one missing. Just as you begin to ask, your head turns to the side. Wooyoung holds you up steady, a sweet smile on his lips. He brushes loose hairs away from your cheek, humming softly.

“You okay, pretty peach?”

You nod slowly, looking down at your hands. They’re free of blood. Wait, should they be covered in blood? “What happened?” you ask.

“One of the attendees at the concert took some bad shit, and you drank from them. It hit you pretty hard and you passed out, but everything is alright now. You’re okay,” Mingi says, nudging Yunho. “I told him to keep an eye on you since you’ve just started this, but he let it slip his mind.”

Yunho rolls his eyes, “I went to the bathroom.”

“Enough arguing, please?” Seonghwa murmurs, smiling at you. “Ready to go to bed, doe?”

You steady yourself off the floor with the help of Wooyoung, thanking him. “Okay.”

Everyone begins leaving the room one by one, Yeosang staying with you. He guides you to the bathroom, asking for permission to help you into the bath. There’s no need to say no, no use for it. He’s been with you since the beginning of your transition since that fateful night at Hiraeth, where you met them all. You sink into the warmth of the water, leaning your head against the side. Yeosang sits there, watching you silently.

“Are you alright?” he asks, thumb brushing against your temple. “You worried us.”

You nod, a smile on your lips. “I’m always alright when I’m with you.”

The expression he gives you back is peculiar. Smile quick, strange. His eyes linger on the scar on your chest. “Okay. I’ll give you some time alone,” his lips brush against your forehead. “See you soon, pretty.”

Just as he closes the door, you lean from your spot. You didn’t mention it even though you should have. Crescents scarred his throat, the imprint of a hand stared at you as he helped you bathe. Your mind told you to stop questioning it, to let it go. But you just couldn’t. The sight looked so familiar, filled you with such fear. Like you were missing something right in front of you, but you just couldn’t grasp it. The eerie feeling began to consume you, clawing at the dryness of your throat, forcing itself into your heart through each beat.

A drum solo makes you stop. Your eyes move to the stage, focused on the man whose drumsticks fly through the air, foot tapping on the bass drum pedal, eyes closed completely as he plays. The crowd screams. But you can only stare. Watch as he expertly plays, lips curved into a smile. Blue hair pulled back with a headband. His eyelids open, immediately looking at you.The burgundy color keeps you in place. He tilts his head, observing you. He hits against the crash cymbal and pulls you away from his mesmerizing gaze.

“...Hongjoong,” you breathe.

He takes out a necklace, holding it between his fingers. “But with the long lives we have lived, it will be unfortunate if someone decided to bring the force of the law against us. I’d rather not spend my days rotting behind a prison cell. Not that we would, of course. But it is helpful, nonetheless.” The necklace drops to the table, a wince from Yeosang catching your attention. “But we didn’t bring you back here to tell you about how San practices law. This piece of jewelry, can you touch it?” Hongjoong slides it against the glass to you. Oddly, it doesn’t scratch at all.

The room grows silent; only the muted music filling the air. You stare at the jewels, the emerald color quite vibrant in the low light. Your curiosity almost outweighs the red exclamation points of danger. So despite it, you only stare at it then flick your gaze to Hongjoong. He tilts his head, waiting for you to respond.

Your hand lingers on the emerald necklace resting between your collarbones, warm despite how cold your skin is.

You remember.

How your soul mourned.

Yeosang pressed his cut hands to your lips just before you died. The others dragging Hongjoong off Seonghwa, barely saving him. Bringing Hongjoong to the brink of death.

When in reality, he was just gone. He disappeared after the night you turned. None of them could figure out where he went. They all simply accepted that he’d never come back. Little do they know what you know.

You held him as you felt his skin grow colder than it ever was. As his fearful eyes lost themselves in yours, and became colder, emptier. You stayed with him, cradling his soulless body tight against your chest. His blood seeping into your shirt, dripping down your leg. The knife thrown to the side; fingers wrapped around the cut on his throat to stop it from bleeding despite how much he tortured you.

The others would tell you how you shed tears for the first time over the man. How your screams were so gut-wrenching, even Yeosang struggled to pull you away. How months later, you woke from your slumber crying out his name. And strangely, how you never recalled any of it at all. They made you believe he’s dead. Yeosang turned you, coerced your mind into perceiving Hongjoong’s blood coating your fingers. You still recollect how clearly the scenery changed around you when you sobbed over his body. Dark background blending into the warmth of the summer dawn.

What a surprise it’ll be when they find out otherwise.

-

tags: @revehosh@mrcarrots@belletiny@sansblkgirlfriend@hwadump@honeyedtalisman@atzcoke@glitterhongjoong@whatudowhennooneseesyou@marievllr-abg@arkive78@dysftopia@kpopnightingale@wxnderingthoughts @jenniee-tm @hongshines@atinytease @multidreams-and-desires @yla-aira@wommypeaches@avantalem@youre-a-wallflower-charlie@toxicccred@xciiiomwliah@madelinelina@kirooz@a-tiny-teez@tenebrisirae @ageofjade @n0v4t33z@yoongiigolden @jonghoharibo @fl0r4f4wn @gh0stbish @kodsukein @vitrealislux@sarcasticsagittarius1998@spiderrenjunfics@aeoliannie​ @tannie13@leeknowsalot@xshansimsx@seojonneh @shingene @justconniez@mingi-banana@anushka-k@nightmarej1n@watamotee33@dear-dreamie@the-ghostest-with-the-mostest@jaxavance@malyxsoulpersonal@az-con@charreddonuts@beautysirens@sunukissed@lixpixstix

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