They Love Me So Dearly, I Must Just Be Wrong (randy Jade X Self-insert)

they love me so dearly, i must just be wrong (randy jade x self-insert)

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“Hello sir or madam, my name’s Randy Jade and I’m feeling randy for you tonight! …I-I’m sorry, my boss makes me say that…” came the nervous, tinny voice through Marty’s phone.

“Your- haha- your boss makes you say that? Oh my god,” Marty burst into giggles, mood basically ruined immediately. “I’m sorry, that was just- so cringey, dude.”

“Y-yeah, I know… I’m sorry…” Randy sighed. Marty could practically feel the loser energy radiating through the phone. “A-anyway! The, uh, reason you called..?”

Marty paused for a confused moment, and would’ve blinked if he had eyes. “This… this is a phone sex hotline. I called to get off.”

“Oh! Oh, y-yes, of course, sorry… u-uh, sorry, I’m not great at this, if you can’t tell…”

“Look, man, do you need like- a break or something? You sound really stressed. I can just read some porn or somethin’ later to crank it to, if you wanna just stay on the line so you don’t hafta deal with anyone else,” Marty offered tentatively. “You clearly need it.”

“R-really? Are you… sure you’re fine with that?” Randy asked, a tinge of hope in his voice.

“Wouldn’t have offered otherwise, darlin’. Stay on as long as ya need, alright?”

“Darlin’?!” Randy squeaked. “I-I, uh, s-sorry, I get called names a lot, but not usually that… sincerely.” If he had facial skin, it would’ve been bright red.

“Eh, I like my men pathetic. You fit that criteria.” Marty shrugged. “So, tell me about yourself, Randy. Wanna know more about you.”

“Oh, there’s really not much to say… I, uh, I live in a dumpster? And I wrestle swans for my day job…” Randy paused. “I haven’t even asked your name! I’m so sorry!”

“Wrestle swa- you know, I’ve met weirder. Like that green guy at the park. Name’s Martin, but you can call me Marty, ‘kay?”

Randy hummed quietly. “I’m sure you’re far more exciting than me, Mart- uh, Marty. Where do you… work and stuff?”

“You know that record store downtown? Been workin’ there for years- you should stop by some time.”

“That sounds… That sounds really nice, actually.

“I sh-should probably get back to work now, though… Could I- Could I, uh, get your number, maybe?”

”Oh! Sure, yeah, it’s…” Marty rambled off his number, fanning one hand in excitement. A cute guy! Asked for his number! Well- he sounded like a cute guy, at least. Marty hoped he was a cute guy. “You should stop by the record store tomorrow. I’ll be there all day.”

“I-I’ll try to..!”

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