Nostalgia

Nostalgia

I’ve recently found myself surrounded by memories. I have the habit of living in the past so this comes as no suprise. Only, that this time around, is the nostalgia of a time I don’t recall that well that is on my mind. A time where I only remember the feeling and not the image of those times. In sort of a sentimental nostalgia.

Take this as an example: my first day in orchestra class.

Visually what I remember is a L shaped room full of students and noise. They were tunning. Me and some other 5 students stood there not quite knowing what to do. The teacher/maestro walks in and the class gets quieter. Then the teacher - shout out to the best maestro ever, Alexandre Madeira - and he says: “As you might’ve noticed we’ve got some new people this year. Those who are new please stand up and say your name.” We looked at each other and stood up and each one of us, shyly, said our name and sat down. The maestro explained how the classes worked and we listened carefully.

I didn’t fall in love with the class right away. Firstly, because it ended at 8 pm in a friday, secondly because I felt like I didn’t belong to the big group, you know? Like I wasn’t part of the orchestra. But then this older girl that sat next to me in class started talking to me. She played the accordion and I play the cello and, despite that, she help me a lot and we became good friends. Since then I became excited to go to class, and, when I understood that I was part of it, I fell in love. When I understood that my sound made a diference in the whole of the orchestra, I fell in love.

Today that girl texted me inviting me and some of the people from those times to have a lunch someday. In the moment her name popped up in my screen all of those feelings and memories came rushing back and it was quite nice. I hope I remembered more things like the name of some of the people who played with me. I feel like I could’ve been their friend but 3 months after the episode I narrated, COVID hit us and I didn’t go to class for the next 2 years which was really sad.

Sentimentally, I have to say that I feel this sort of regret and pitty for not having enjoyed it more. Like as if I wished I had been born earlier and had been part of that for a longet time, I mean now I’m one the oldest member of the orchestra, next year I’ll be the oldest member. Everytime I walk into that classroom I feel what I felt that day only that now I wish I didn’t have to leave it even though I know it is time to let it go.

day 610 of wondering how i can get back the pieces of me that i gave to you... of wondering if i would really ever want to...

Why wont the people around me just let me not eat, like bro I need to be thin tf?

I dreamt about you again last night. That always makes me want to reach out to you, even though I know it’s just a waste of time and will only hurt me in the end.

I just want someone who looks at me the way Lenny Bruce looks at Midge

i missed fall...