Painfully Accurate

Painfully accurate

Ughhh.

I love my parents, okay, i really do. But they can be a handful sometimes. And are like so completely detached from the reality that their children are facing. It's so fucking frustrating.

So, im the oldest of 3 children. Im in my 4th and final year of undergrad. During my college admissions, there was covid, and due to this and the extreme stress of college admissions, my mental health went to shit. I kept telling them throughout that i was struggling a lot and was considering killing myself. But they wouldn't listen to me. Finally i had a really bad mental breakdown and then they, very grudgingly, helped me get help - as in get a psychologist. But then, they'd try to get me to tell them what was discussed during the therapy sessions and in general try to underplay me struggling. Fortunately, i got into a uni far from home and they also had a great counseling service to help students cope. After struggling for the first year without any help, i started going for regular therapy sessions, got meds which were covered by the uni insurance and finally, after continuous work for the past 2 years, I am in a much better place.

I want to pursue masters now, but my dad is pushing me to try to get a job via the uni placement cell. The thing is, though i had considered it before, i dont want to do that anymore. And my dad is all like, okay, you needn't actually work once you get a job, you can just sit for placements and then you’ll feel 'confident' that you can get a job. To me, i honestly sounds like, if i get a job, he can tell others that i got a job but i didn't take it up. Like maintain the status quo or whatever. The very thought of sitting for placements make my anxiety sky rocket. I really can't handle the stress of it. And i do not want to work in corporate at all. I did an internship and i didn't like it at all. I just wish he would shut up and just let me be.

And now, they are doing the same thing to my sister. She is very confused about what major to choose for her undergrad (she's in her final year of hs). And is naturally under a lot of stress. And they keep pushing her to a tech major when she is not interested or has a knack for it. And then they act all oblivious, ooh why is she so stressed? What could possibly be bothering her? What a mystery! Like wtf, why are you so fucking dense!!! It's so infuriating.

And the same shit goes for my brother too. He has struggled with language a lot throughout childhood. He finally got tested at 14 years of age and the turns out he is on the autism spectrum, he has mild autism. And my parents simply refuse to accept the diagnosis, and went, there is nothing wrong with the boy. They are convinced that he can hardwork his way out of struggling with autism without actually getting professional help.

The worst thing in all this is that, it's not like they don't know how to deal with this better. They simply dont. When my cousin had a mental breakdown, they were at the forefront, helping her get a psychologist and telling her parents how to deal with the situation. A second cousin of mine, a little boy, also struggles with autism (ig, not sure) and his parents don't get him help - but they always tell them that professional help makes things better. I mean, why can't they do this for their own children. Why the hypocrisy? It's so exhausting. I'm so tired of this.

Rant done. Thank you for reading.

My anxiety makes elaborate and strong narratives in my head and I'll be like, yeah, that makes perfect sense. Genius. I'm impossibly fucked. And then when I say it out loud, it's utter fucking crap.

Yes. Now, I am, but a frail old woman bound to mine bed.

Forgive me, father, for the demons have infiltrated my thoughts, and I hate myself again.

Yes.