Ik He Whimpers

Ik he whimpers

the bedroom eyes.

she, her and him

word count: 1618 words

warnings: i hurt my own feelings

"she lives in daydreams with me.  she's the first one that i see and i don't know why..."

brown. 

every little detail about her was brown. 

her eyes. 

her hair. 

her skin.

everything.

until he had met her, the color brown was nothing more than the color of tree bark. 

wood.

dirt.

coffee grounds that he brewed at work. it was a muted color to him. 

nothing that really stood out to him about it. nothing special. 

until she came into his life. 

he couldn't figure out what about her made him want to talk to her and crave to be around her.

not until much later. at first glance she was nothing but ordinary.

just another girl who worked at his work place.

she was several years younger than him, and half his height.

the only thing that intrigued him about her at first was that she was the sweetest girl he had ever met.

she wasn't shy, she wasn't ever rude. not even from her first interview or her first day. 

she wore one of the biggest and most genuine smiles he had ever seen in his life. 

it didn't matter what she was doing. 

she was doing it with a soft smile. or with her teeth on full display.

that was another thing.

she was one of the few people that wasn't intimidated by his stern face.

or his tall frame.

she approached him and talked to him as if they had been friends for many years. he was surprised by how she easily made him feel comfortable. 

how he laughed around her.

the thing is- she had no clue as to what she was doing to him.

she broke down his the layers and layers of walls he had built around his heart. 

and he happily let her in. 

without even meaning to. 

they spent all of their shifts talking. 

making inside jokes. sharing cheesy grins at one another. 

for a year- up until he left.

one month.

in that one month everything changed. 

he was offered an internship in another state that he couldn't turn down. after the internship was done, he would come back to his every day job. he had promised himself he would take her out once he came back.

and he did.

he waited.

and longed for the day he could be in her presence again.

trying to convince himself he just wanted to see his friend and nothing more, that it was just because they were close friends. 

nothing more. 

no, he doesn't let people into his life like that. 

not that easily. 

'she is just another girl'

he told himself this every day up until he came back. 

"she's the first one i see"

there she was. 

laughing with her head thrown back in pure joy.

two things stood out to him at that moment. 

one.

her smile. her smile lit up the entire room. 

and secondly-

he stopped.

the young boy attached to her side. 

the boy who was the reasoning behind her laughing that hard. 

he wasn't sure why his heart skipped as it did, but he knew it had something to do with the lingering hand she had placed on the other guys arm.

why him?

he wasn't anything special. what did he have that i don't?

as the days passed, she paid no mind to him. at least not intentionally. her eyes remaining on the brunette with a smile as wide as hers. 

why...

why him?

he just wanted her to look at him that way. she was supposed to look up at him with her dazzling smile and her love stricken eyes like that. not him.

"she's the first one that i see."

several years had passed. years where all he could do was pretend. force smiles and force laughter as he watched her grow into an adult, with that boy at her side.

spencer.

that's all he was.

nothing more. nothing less.

just an idiotic boy. a boy who happened to make a move before he did.

everything he looked at- walked past, it reminded him of her. 

the smell of honey.

cinnamon.

vanilla.

coconut.

 just the definition of comfort.

that's what she smelled like. no matter what time of day.

he knew all of her favorite things. 

her obsession with anything that sparkled. 

the color purple. 

the white converse she wore til she physically couldn't anymore. 

snacking after eating.

her favorite singer. 

books. 

pens that made her font look just right. 

colors after colors.

he knew it all.

every.

damn.

thing.

he knew her inside and out.

he knew that she didn't like the sun because it caused her to get really bad migraines. 

she loved the rain. 

she loved to spend her mornings at work- writing, because she knew that if she wrote at home she would get distracted by everything else. 

whenever she's sad, she forces a smile but her eyes never leave the floor and when they do- they never make eye contact with him.

because she know if she does.

he'll know right away that something is wrong.

she's the first one that he thinks of when people ask him why he still hasn't gotten with anyone.

every girl eyes him like eye candy.

but he pays no mind.

they want him for his body. nothing more.

but not her.

her. 

her. 

her.

he wants her.

not the girl next door.

not the girl who tried getting with him while he was away. 

but her. 

he wants her dark brown hair coating his pillow as they lay there and talk. 

he wants to listen to her speak day and night about what her plans for the future are.

he wants to see her in his hoodies.

his clothes.

he wants to hear her giggle into his chest as he covers her in kisses.

he wants to steal the glasses that cover most of her face and stare into her eyes all night long.

trace every freckle.

every birthmark.

every scar to ever cover her body. 

'you don't have to be scared you're not enough'

her words echoed in his head over all the other thoughts swarming in there. it overpowered the negativity.

the endless questions.

she answered every single one of them.

'try to quiet the noises in your head,'

she always calmed down his hyperactive mind.

she knew that when he went silent he was overthinking every word he had spoken that day, being quick to jump in and reign him back in.

'what if it was us'

he didn't mean to let that slip.

it felt like hours had passed.

another minute.

and another-

'i tried..' 

he froze.

'but then you told me about how you chose someone else, about her...'

the hurt in her voice was evident. 

he didn't mean to hurt her. 

no. 

he would never. 

not her.

'i never meant to hurt you-'

'you need to open your eyes.

you need to see past the surface.

your anger hasn't let you move on.

he and i have not been together for a long time.

but due to your stubborn self, you chose not to notice...i've been in love with you since that first christmas we spent together.

and you had somehow managed to buy every single thing i had touched while shopping the day before-

i stopped chasing you because you stopped trying.

you gave me the cold shoulder.

you pushed me away.

you never saw how i always came to you first.

always you.

whenever i was in pain.

whenever i was sad.

you saw me at every point.

at my happiest.

at my saddest. 

and

you

did

nothing'

and then it clicked.

memories of her flashed in front of his eyes as if he was watching his whole life on repeat.

her lingering eyes on him. 

her laughter at every joke he made.

her smile.

the twinkle in her eye- the one reserved specifically for him.

she would turn her full focus on him whenever they spoke, something she found hard to do with how antsy she got. 

keeping her feet moving, shifting her weight every two seconds. 

signing with her hands whenever she got nervous or anxious.

but she always stayed steady around him.

like he was the one calming her down.

not the other way around.

her hands cupping his whenever his hands trembled from his anxiety. 

being quick to respond to his messages late at night.

'of course, honey'

'hon, please take a deep breath for me'

'of course i do, you're like one of the most important people in my life'

it was like he was seeing her in a new light.

she was his everything.

and he was hers...

he was the reason why they weren't together.

he remembered hearing about how her boyfriend never treated her right.

about how they were always fighting.

he had never felt more stupid.

he did this. 

he was supposed to sweep her off her feet. 

he was supposed to be the person to keep her safe, and keep that beautiful smile on her face.

she looked nothing like how he last remembered seeing her.

it was as if a filter was removed from his eyes. 

her eyes looked dull. 

her hair was tousled from overworking herself at work, not taking proper care of herself. 

her smile- gone. 

'i have loved you since i was 22- i stopped loving you the second you failed to see how your actions affect those who love you' 

he remembers texting her late at night, after spending his night drinking in his sorrow.

she spent countless nights staying up until the crack of dawn trying to reassure the crying boy.

spending his free time at the gym to avoid any sort communication. 

overworking himself to distract himself from the pain.

he took away his one source of happiness, because he had convinced himself that she would never want him.

he got rid of her.

not the other way around...

why?

why her?

literally me

Spencer Reid is just an awkward little guy and i love him. (i can’t stop drawing him)

Me at 3am clicking “keep reading” on the most jaw dropping, earth shattering, pantie dropping, smutty fic when I have to be up in 3 hours

Shirtless Wolverine