I Swear I'll Do Anything That I Have To Til I Forget About You

i swear i'll do anything that i have to til i forget about you

you killed me but you're haunting me. it doesn't make sense. nobody understands. i should be actuslly dead and haunting you. you turned me into a zombie instead of a ghost. what the fuck is wrong with you? and why me? what did i ever do to you to deserve this?

me after my tf, that mf makes me BLACKOUT with rage when i'm normally so sweet, so forgiving, no backbone no matter how shitty you treat me

i used to be so hyper independent as a trauma response, but some friends showed me true love, they changed my mind. now i want marriage and kids, i want true love. but those friends are dead, long gone, never coming back. i'll never find true love. everyone's a manipulative, fake, careless a-hole. i'm unloveable, men are trash. it's so cruel. i was shown what i really desire, only to learn i can never have it. what was the point of it all?

that creepy coworker? i tell everyone he's weird and to avoid him, but i want him. i want his hands around my neck. i want him in the worst way. he has that weird off putting dark masc energy.

he has a fiance. he tells some people he has a fiance. some he has a gf. some he's single.

he tells me the people he lives with treat him badly and basically are abusive.

i want what isn't good for me, what isn't right for me.

i'm scum and i want scum back. but the scum reject me. i'm worse than them. i'm that worthless that even the worst of the worst don't want me. even the worst of the worst tell me they want me but then reject me.

there's something deeply deeply wrong with me.

"i'm sure at the time you tried your best" when my dad died in 2019 from cancer

vs

now "oh i wish my heart wasn't broken from the start" because i forgive my mother for being abusive and hate him for not protecting me when his mother is trash, too.

that's all the more reason you should have protected me. you know first hand what having a toxic mother is like. but you left me to die like everyone else. that's why i forgive my mother for 2 decades of abuse, but hate you for being an enabler and bystander.

it wasn't just my mother, though. it was that other sitaution. you saw what was about to happen and did't even warn me. all you cared about was my weight and diet. not me. not my emotions. not my human needs.

i never thought i'd forgive her. never thought i'd hate you, like my sister. never thought it'd be this way.