Yeri ForCCi Korea

Yeri for CéCi Korea

GFRIEND 5th Mini Album Repackage “RAINBOW” Teaser Image - Eunha

to early emphasis: dear cloud’s nine has confirmed that she was asked by jonghyun to post his final note before passing to fans. she has also confirmed that she was given the blessing from his family to share it with the world. you can find confirmation of this here. below will be proper triggers for this post as it is not easy to read. i will also leave nine’s comment that she left on her post as it is important in regards to why she was asked to post it. if you feel that i have missed any please do not hesitation message me on my personal blog (jaekyung) and i will add them as quickly as i am able to. also thank you to sonexstella for translating. —- trigger warning(s): death tw, depression tw, suicide ideation tw, suicide tw nine: i said my final goodbye with jonghyunnie. even after seeing his smiling portrait of the deceased, it still feels like jonghyunnie will come to me and smile as if all of this was a dream. starting from awhile back, jonghyunnie told me his dark and deep internal stories. i think each day was very difficult for him. i kept having uneasy thoughts so i made it known to his family and tried my hardest to capture his heart but it only ended up postponing time and i could not block his last (action). i still cannot believe he is not in this world and it’s so painful. i’m still afraid, not knowing if it’s the right thing to upload these words but jonghyun himself asked me to please upload these words if he disappeared from this world. i wished this day would never come … after discussing with his family i am uploading his final note, according to his last wishes. i think that there must be a reason why he left this up to me. i worry that there will be controversy. however, i think that he predicted this and asked me, so i decided that i will do the one last thing i can do for jonghyunnie. i hope everyone knows now that jonghyun was not alone and that he worked hard … that he did really well … please thank him for withstanding well … beautiful jonghyun, i really love you a lot. going forward, i will love you a lot. in that place, please don’t be in pain and i hope you will be peaceful … —- i am broken from the inside. depression that slowly ate away at me ended up swallowing me. i couldn’t beat it. i hated myself. i held onto memories that have died out and, even though i shouted to snap out of it, there was no response. if suffocating breaths will not open up it’s better instead to stop. i asked who can take responsibility for myself. it’s you. i was completely alone. it’s easy to say you’ll end it. it’s hard to end it. i lived up to now admist that difficulty. you said i wanted to run away. that’s right. i wanted to run away. from myself. from you. i asked who was there. i said it was me. again, it was me. and once again, it was me. i asked why i kept losing memories. it’s my personality. i see. in the end, it’s all my fault. i hoped someone would notice, but no one knew. never met me, so of course, no one knew i was there. i asked why i was living. just. just. everyone just lives. if i asked why someone would die, you would say you’re exhausted. i suffered from concern. i never learned how to change tiresome pains into joy. pain is just pain. i urged myself not to be like that. why? why can’t i end it according to my own will? i tried to find out why i was in pain. i knew too well. i am in pain because of myself. it’s all because it’s my fault and because i’m foolish. teacher, did you want to hear these words? no. i did nothing wrong. when he blamed my personality with a quiet voice i thought it was so easy to be a doctor. it’s fascinating to see why i’m in this much pain. people who have more hardships than i do live well. people who are weaker than me live well. maybe that’s not it. of people who are alive, there is no one who has more hardships than i do, and who is weaker than i am. despite this, i was told to live. i asked why this is the case a hundred times, and it’s never for me. it’s for you. i wanted it to be for me. please don’t say things you don’t know. find out why it’s difficult. i told you many times why it’s difficult for me. with that, is it not possible for it to be this difficult? does there need to be more concrete drama? are you wanting more of a story? i already told you. did you not pay attention? what i can overcome doesn’t leave a scar. colliding with the world must not have been my fate. being known to the world must not have been my life. that’s why everything was difficult. colliding, and being known was difficult. why did i chose that. it’s a funny incident. it’s commendable that i was able to withstand up to this point. what more can i say? just tell me i worked hard. that i did a good job. that i went through a lot. even if you can’t smile, please don’t send me off in blame. you worked hard. you went through a lot. goodbye.

Sorn’s highlighted aspects

♏ Sun & ♐ Mercury Conjunct ♐ Pluto: The native does not filter their will in approach to the world. The state of mind used to collate information and synthesize emotions with her environment is the same place from where her self is projected. There is virtually no exclusion to the rate she channels her senses. The native is only motivated by truth. A lot of the times there is a persistence insisting that she gets to the root of every matter, more than daring to unmask other people, even unloading their dirty laundry in the process. She is nearly unwavering in achieving her objectives, very reliant on her own processes and perceptions. Those close to her naturally tend to submit to her superior resolve. People will feel they can trust in her indefinite resource of intellectual understanding she possesses over most situations. The native will feel drawn towards broad pursuits, uncovering the many truths life has to offer. There’s a borderline self-centered desire to keep strike of her struggles, she innately depends on it to build upon a repertoire of skills in her life.

♒ Moon Square ♏ Sun & ♐ Pluto: This aspect may contribute impulse to reconstruct and reform. The native has always depended on her ability to secure and preserve her will. She has made habit of assuming (psychological) control over circumstance. This also means she is acutely aware exactly what triggers struggle. As long as she obsesses over attaining the upper hand in any situation, she will continue to manifest herself into positions where the power dynamic requires emotional restraint or prolonged periods of endurance. Intrinsically, this inner unsettling desire to detect immediate threat, motivates her to act beyond pre-established morals. The native is fulfilled to have overcome more and greater obstacles.

♍ Mars Trine ♑ Jupiter: Success is sure to be obtained by way of her dedication to be precise and efficient. This energy urges the native to develop consistent disciplinary behavior. It is almost rooted in her belief system, to push herself in working towards her goals. A lot of value is placed in self-sufficiency, and she rarely fails to convince others of her capabilities. She is able to establish many contacts through application and display of her resourcefulness. The native knows her status as being influenced by those whose loyalty she has gained. She will feel at peace, eagerly assuming subordinate executive positions because she perceives her success to be gained in a progressive scale. Rarely will she accept opportunities that “fall into her lap”, it is more satisfying to pride on a reward or promotion she earned through her own effort.

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Last edit: DEC 2021

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